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04 April 2005 @ 04:57 pm
RFH - 2005-04-04  

"An unbreakable toy is really useful for breaking the other toys."

Local News
Bill was watching the local news again.  This time he saw the "funny" news report at the end of Fox News.  They were broadcasting images of people skiing down a hill and then trying to skim over a small pond of water (pond skimming).  Well, whilst they did that they played the song "Sell Out."  WHY!?  Bill couldn't believe that they'd play some song that had was talking about radio sell-outs while displaying a story about skiing.  Why didn't they just use the Benny Hill theme?

Gina's Phone
Kerry, Bill, and Gina were supposed to meet with a client.  Gina was 10 minutes late.  When she arrived, Bill told her that they had been trying to call her and asked where her phone was.  Gina reached into the inside pocket of her coat and retrieved her phone.  She had the phone on vibrate and couldn't feel it through all the silicone.  Bill thought it would have at least made some waves.  Gina doesn't care though.  Joe likes them.

KSL Rant
Do you know what the "square next to St. Peter's Cathedral" is called?  If you answered, "St. Peter's Square," you could be a news reader on KSL.

Sin City
Steve Salles of KSL's the Movie Show couldn't believe that Sin City was modeled after a comic book.  Aren't comic books supposed to be funny?

Kerry went and saw the Sin City and was quite pleased with the movie.  He cautions, however, that the movie is not for everyone.  Especially people under 17 years old.  It is more violent than Kill Bill.  Kerry suggested that F.O.Ps stand up in the movie and say, "Anyone who brought kids under 17 with them are bad parents!"  You'll probably get applauded by the rest of the theater.

1. "The minute men":  People in Arizona and New Mexico are taking it upon themselves to patrol the US border and report possible illegal immigrants to the authorities.  Some of these people are armed, "just in case."  Border officials say that the men may be causing more harm than good by setting off motion detectors in the area used to catch actual crossers.
(View Story)

2. "Now, where did my cocaine go?":  The owners of a used car took their car into the shop and reported problems with sudden deceleration.  The problem was found to be $40,000 worth of cocaine strapped around the fuel line.  The cocaine did not belong to the current owners of the car, and police are now tracking down the previous owners.
(View Story)

3. "You're not crippled enough":  Miss Wheelchair Wisconsin was stripped of her title when it was discovered that she could stand up.  She does suffer from muscular dystrophy and uses a wheelchair the majority of the time, but the title is being removed regardless.
(View Story)

The bureaucrats in charge of Miss Wheelchair Wisconsin are Boners of the Day.

Wheelchair-bound pornographer Larry Flynt called in to vote for #3.  He's not disabled, he's crippled; physically and morally.  He was very curious if the former Miss Wheelchair Wisconsin had any special 8x10 photos.

The Windtunnel
Kerry went to The Windtunnel, otherwise known as The Gateway, on Friday night.  He and his wife dined at the Z-Tejas and tried a few of their margaritas.  After dinner and drink, Kerry needed to take a little walk to clear his head.  As they were walking past the fountain, he noticed about six guys in some kind of swim gear.  All of the sudden, some song came on, something by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and they started...well...dancing...but not really.  They were just moving about.  Kerry went and spoke to them and discovered that they were from San Diego and were actually being paid by The Gateway to perform.  Usually they wear costumes, and Kerry just caught them at a bad time.  They were just getting started, and didn't have their routine down yet.  Their group doesn't have a name yet.  Kerry suggested Colossal Douche Bags to go along with the Colossal Colon at the other end of The Gateway.

Frost Bytes
Gina let in Bill Frost and he apologized if anyone was looking for "The Alan Partridge Experience" on BBC America and couldn't find it.  It was actually called, "Knowing You, Knowing Me."  BBC had been promoting the two shows that will eventually be aired as "The Alan Partridge Experience."  There's a behind the scenes with "Mork & Mindy."  The impression of Robin Williams isn't bad.  A show with the son of a guy who used to be famous doing motorcycle jumps.  Project Greenlight is still unwatchable.  Finally, a show about cabaret dancers - NOT STRIPPERS!

The Colossal Colon
Bill finally made it to The Children's Museum and the Colossal Colon.  The Colon is only one way, so be careful.  It's a giant hard-plastic colon.  You have to take off your shoes, or they'll provide booties.  There isn't any audio tour or sound effects in the colon.  Bill thought some grumbling noises might be appropriate.  The colon starts off as a nice, pink, healthy colon, but then degenerates into a cancerous, nasty colon with internal hemorrhoids.  The hemorrhoids look just like stinky little balloons. 

After "exiting" the colon, there was a series of information and game tables.  There was one with a little wheel to spin.  You could win sunscreen or a beanie.  A beanie baby.  Not a little hat.  Kerry was confused.  He was under the impression that your colon didn't need sunscreen.  As far as he knew, that was, in fact, where the sun did not shine.  Bill explained that they were covering all kinds of cancer. Little Bill spun the wheel and won sunscreen, but the lady let him have a beanie too.  There were lots of little beanies, but one was "Enema Man."  Enema Man looks just like a Fleet enema bottle, complete with insertion tube.  He also has a cape and a smiley face.  Bill also managed to get an Enema Man calendar that shows Enema Man as a goalie, riding an elephant, piloting a gondola in Venice, etc.  Kerry envisioned a raisin looking arch-villian for Enema man named Polyp Man.

If you come across a stray book lying around SLC that has a sticker reading, "Tag - You're it," take it and read it.  Then write your name down on the card in the back along with where you found it.  If you found it in your local opium den, just write Anonymous on the name.  Then go to slcreads.com to discuss the book.

Neglected News
Terri Hatcher likes to arrive early at get the sessy red swimsuit just to piss of the rest of the cast of Desperate Housewives, who all happen to wear the exact same size.  Bitches from Hell.  Edgar from the show "Two Four" likes chic-let teeth.  Michael Douglas has ugly-scars.  Matthew Mclonitic plays Dirk Pitt in Sahara with Penelop.  Big Pussy punched his significant other because she wouldn't go fast enough.