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11 October 2005 @ 06:08 pm

"Most people drink coffee in the morning.  I like to ease into the day with a nap."

Kerry is moving today after the show.  He has to leave like Gina does...45 seconds after the show is over.  Kerry had the good sense to hire some people to help him move.  Bill was not so wise when moving previously.  He decided to just rent a truck and have some friends help him.  The police pulled Bill over right in front of his new house, in front of all his new neighbors.  The cops claimed that someone had reported that the driver of the truck was drinking beer while driving.  Bill was not drinking beer at the time, there were no empty, open, or unopened cans of beer in the car.  Bill passed the roadside drunk test, and was still issued a ticket for an "open container" because one of the officers thought he could smell beer in the interior or the oft rented truck.  In another incident, Bill almost tipped the truck over when accidentally driving on a curb.  In yet another, Bill ran into the car of one of the people helping him move causing approximately $500 worth of damage.

Our Son Kyle
Kyle often tries to portray himself as a successful businessman and inventor (Carpet Munchers Carpet Cleaning, Home Botox Injections, Meaty-o's).  Alas, this is not really the case.  Kyle feels that he has a spending problem, so he has attempted to curtail this by making some things himself.  He made himself a new pair of glasses.  He used a little wire and a little glass (stained).  They don't help his sight much, but they are very attractive.  He also made himself a set of braces.  In that case he just used a little wire, a little glass (stained), and a battery.  Voilá! (which, in French, means "look at here"), a new pair of braces.  The battery really helps them work faster.  Finally, he fashioned himself a nice pair of shoes.  All he needed was a little wire, a little glass (stained), and a battery.  They aren't really good for standing, but they are fashionable.  Kyle has saved so much money that he can now pay for his stitches with cash.  http://www.alliwantedwasapepsi.com.

Gina's Evolution
While living in the home of her in-laws', The Jones, Gina has discovered a lot of new and exciting things.  One of these is the bidet attached to the toilet.  It isn't a completely separate basin.  It's a little shower nozzle that looks similar to the dish sprayer on kitchen sinks.  Gina wanted to test it out first before actually using it.  She simply pointed it into the toilet and turned it on.  It actually sprays pretty hard, but not uncomfortably so.  Gina then played with it (the bidet) to find the correct temperature setting for her intimate areas.  The next time she was in necessity of the bathroom, she decided to give it a proper try.  When finished with her business, she took the nozzle and placed it underneath herself, while remaining seated on the toilet.  It was wonderful!  Gina felt as if she could sit there all day long.  All that nice warm water spraying against her undercarriage was quite pleasant, especially towards the front.

This is the latest step in Gina's toilet evolution.  First she moved from squatting over a hole in the floor to the toilet and toilet paper.  Then she took Kerry's suggestion and switched to the wet wipes.  Now she has progressed to the bidet.  She feels that it is so much better that smearing with toilet paper.  Bill had always thought that Gina was not aware of how to wipe her own ass, but now he's sure.  If she's been smearing, she's doing it wrong.

Bill was pretty interested in the functioning of the bidet.  Gina offered to sneak him into the house so he could try it out.  Then Gina offered to host a bidet party so that Kerry could attend as well.  Kerry declined.  Bill was more than excited.  He planned on wearing his 'jammies, using the bidet, and then watching VH1.

Unforgettable Quote
"Who is this man taking a crap in my bathroom!?" -- Kerry Jackson

Unforgettable Quote #2
"You love the bidet more than me." -- Kerry Jackson

Unforgettable Quote #3
"We'll have peanut butter crackers and juice and use the bidet!" -- Bill Allred

Boners (brought to you by tostadas)
1. “I Want My Nuke Pill”:  In response to September 11th, congress mandated that all citizens within a 20-mile radius of a nuclear plant receive potassium-iodide pills by 2003.  The pills prevent certain kinds of damage, like thyroid cancer, when exposed to high doses of radiation.  The government, so far, has been unable to fulfill the mandate, largely due to a jurisdiction argument between Health and Human services and the Department of Homeland Security.
(View Story)

2. “I want To Hear Your Voice Again”:  An intoxicated German man was arrested after repeatedly dialing 999 (the European equivalent to 911).  The man claimed to accidentally have dialed the number the first time, but fell in love with the operator’s voice.
(View Story)

3. “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Pants, No Service”:  A Clearfield man allegedly called a local convenience store and asked the clerk if he could come to the store naked.  The man decided to go to the store anyway where police arrested him while stripping down to enter the store.  The man has been arrested twice before, once for entering the same store naked, and once for making a trip through a Taco Bell drive-thru while naked.
(View Story)

The government failing to provide necessary safeguards to citizens is Boner of the Day.

Spanish Language Lesson by Mario Morales
“¡CUIDADO!  ¡Alto Voltaje!”  (“CAUTION!  High Voltage!”)

“El uso continuo de este producto puede causar mal funcionamiento en la ereccion.”  (“Continued use of this product may result in erectile dysfunction.”)

Role Models
Gina feels that her new baby will be more bonded to Kerry and Bill than to Joe.  Joe talks to the baby a lot, but not for the four hours straight that Kerry and Bill do.  Kerry and Bill will be good uncles.  Kerry will teach little Jonesie to eat the dust bunnies under Mommie’s bed, and Bill will teach her to play with razor blades in traffic.

Neglected News
Britney Spires had to pull her bra off of eBay because she was confused.  “Law & Order” will be doing a story similar to the Teri Schiavo story.  The twist is that they will blow up the husband in a car-bomb.  Nathan Lane broke a finger and needed stitches, a splint, and a band-aid.  Janet Jackson is a tubby, crumb-covered sunbather in her new unauthorized video.  OK! Magazine paid $3,000,000 to Demi Moore and Ashton Cootcher for their wedding photos.

Many people are surprised to find out that Jimmy Chunga (a local DJ) is not Hispanic.  Bill isn’t surprised.  Brett Smith of Taylorsville, Utah, used to be an intern for X96.  Upon hearing Bill mention that “Jimmy Chunga” would be a funny radio name, Brett asked Bill if he could use it.  Bill was gracious enough to give permission.  Also a rarely known fact is that Mr. Smith/Chunga did not invent the phrase “Whaaaazzzzzupppp!?”