Episode #5208
Days until contract expiration: 267
Day 6 of Gina's Morning Meander

Opening Song
"Dead Man's Party" - Oingo Boingo

Sign-offs

• People who say, "Clean as a whistle," forget that a whistle is full of spit.
• I'll bet you can never get the smell of Hardee's out of that car.

Boners
1. "I Need Me Some Extra Crispy":  A man who broke into a KFC in Salt Lake City was unable to get out of the restaurant before passing out on the managers desk.  The man broke in through an improperly closed door, but was too drunk to really do any damage.  The man walked into the manager's office, pulled shelves off the wall, and poured cooking oil around before slumping over the manager's desk.

2. "They'll Never Look For My Drugs Here":  Salt Lake Police pulled over a 41-year-old man who had been weaving down the road.  When the man exited the vehicle, the officers noticed that the man was wearing an ankle monitoring bracelet.  In addition, officers noticed a plastic bag full of cocaine tucked inside the bracelet.  The man was promptly arrested.

3. "Hello?  Who is This?  Hello?":  A 21-year-old woman was arrested after prank calling her grandmother more than 45 times in a single day.  She told her grandmother that she was going to kill her and that she was watching her.  The grandmother called the police who came over and answered some of the phone calls.  When confronted, the granddaughter claimed that she only wanted to scare her grandmother, but didn't think that prank calls were illegal.

The prank calling granddaughter is Boner of the Day.

Reading is Believing
Gina managed to really piss off The Sainted Mary Claire with all of her fat talk yesterday.  Gina posted about her plumpness on her Facebook page.  Many of the commenters refuted Gina's claims with calls of "you're not fat."  Gina retorted in her own comments by saying, essentially, "Yes I am.  Here's how much I weight: XXX"  She actually wrote her weight on her Facebook page.  When The Sainted Mary Claire, whilst waiting in line at Disneyland, checked her iPhone, she was not pleased.  She could not believe that Gina actually wrote down how much she weighed!

Set It and D.I. It!
F.O.P Ben gave Radio From Hell one of the Popeil-brand rotisserie ovens.  Bill took it home and figured that he would try it out.  He'd cook a couple of chickens figure out how it works, then bring it back in the studio to replace The Weinie Intern.  Taking it out of the box, the first thing Bill noticed was a warning not to take, "Set it and Forget it!" literally.  Bill dressed his chickens, slipped them onto the spit rods, and set it to cooking.  During the cooking process, the chickens began to change shape, etc. and then began to touch the heating element.  Apparently the manufactures foresaw this problem and included some heat resistant gloves to allow Bill to take the slippery chickens and reset them back on the spit rods.  After the second time, however, Bill decided that the Popeil Showtime Rotisserie grill was bullsock.  He finished his chickens on the grill and Mrs. Bill took the device to the Deseret Industries.

Unforgettable Quote
"If I tell you I love you, will you shave my back?" - Bill Allred

Things That Must Go
Intentional misspelling of words like 'skewl', 'u', 'yestaday', 'wif', 'ur', 'boyz.' Ranting about pop-culture.  The use of 'gay' as an insult. Tonya the 'Twilight' fan. 'Ridonkulous.' The group of women attending an Indian restaurant in Provo, UT who, after their meal was completed, proceeded to take photographs in the lobby of the restaurant whilst standing on chairs and posing as multi-armed Hindu dieties.  Commercials featuring the phrase, "but what's the catch?"  24-hour fitness not being open all of the time.  The name 'Thane.' Neighborhood children in the street. People who expect you to watch their children because you're watching yours.  Incessant sniffing.  People who mail letters to "John Smith. Somewhere in California" or "Buffy Summers, Sunnydale, CA" or "Spencer Pratt, Doucheville, USA."  Women who cry at work.  Managers who give in to women who cry at work.  Missionaries who refuse to stop coming to the door.  Diesel trucks or loud motorcylces revving their engines at 5:30am.  Long back-hairs.  Girlfriends who leave you so that you can't shave your back-hair.

Episode #5203
Days until contract expiration: 281

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

Sign-offs

• "Don't be irreplaceable.  If you aren't replaceable, you can't be promoted."
• "You don't have to apologize to me, but you're gonna have to answer to Jesus."

Intern Review
Richie and the interns went to a midnight showing of Transformers 2: The Search for Curly's Gold last night.  It wasn't worth it.  In fact, the consensus was that it wasn't even worth the $8.  It might be worth a matinee, but just maybe.  Megan Fox, however, is hot, and a robust runner.  They could have easily removed at least an hour from the movie.

Unforgettable Quote
"A movie about old toys? When does 'Alien v. Hula Hoops' come out?" - Nancy Grace

Boners
1. "You With the Gimpy Arm. You Work In The Back":  A British law student was forced by her employer, Abercombie & Fitch, to work in the stock room so that the student's prosthetic arm would not be visible to customers.  The company claimed that Riam Dean's prosthetic limb broke the "look policy" at the store, requiring that Ms. Dean work out of sight until the bulkier winter uniforms took effect.

2. "It Was Some Clown That Robbed Us":  Police of Peekskill, NY had little trouble identify a man suspected of burglary and grand larceny.  The victim had awoken to find a man in her home, stealing camera and computer equipment.  The victim's description of the burglar's bright, fire-engine red dyed hair, which was sent to nearby police departments.  The hair immediately caught the attention of police officers as the suspect exited a bus near his home.

3. "You Don't Miss School For Nothin'":  A Milwaukee father was arrested, and found to have a blood-alcohol level more than four times the legal limit, as he drove his daughter to school.  Police grew suspicious of the driver after her rammed his car into a curb.

Abercrombie and Fitch and their "look policy" are Boners of the Day.

Gina's Morning Meander
Chicken-scratch Intern and Richie drove Gina up to the Trax station by the University of Utah.  HI!  They used snack cakes to try and encourage Gina to meander with more authority.  HI!  Gina was worried that there wasn't a side walk all the way down to the station.  HI!  But, she figured it out.  HI!  On the way, Gina took note of the sights.  HI!  There was a room for rent.  HI!  The $5 haircut place was now $6.  HI!  She stopped and smelled the roses for a moment, HI!, before asking Kerry and Bill if they wanted her to pick up a dulcimer.  HI!  They didn't need a dulcimer.  HI!  Overall, it only took Gina 25 minutes to walk an entire mile.  BYE!

Things That Must Go
People who take a handful of candy from the basket at the front desk.  Spilling water into your crotch while nobody is looking.  Claiming to have read a book because you listened to the book-on-tape.  Lazy people (Gina?) who don't put their carts back in the cart corral.  People with dark hair who bleach it blonde.  West Valley Cops who hassle drivers for going three-miles-per-hour over the speed limit.  Jenny McCarthy is not helping and ought to by hung by the highest tree (in the F.O.Ps opinion).  Do not speak in baby-talk to a 16-year-old autistic child.  "How are you?"  "It's not Friday."  Spending $120 on a special-edition textbook, then being offered $1.50 when you return it.  People who attempt to tour a construction site in sandals.  People who complain about tall girls wearing heels.  Women who are taller than their men.  Women who complain about men being shorter than their women.  The crazy old bats that cut in-line at the grocery store.  Commercials about smoking.  UGGs.  U of U frat boys.  Skunk hair.  Gina's diet - which encourages other MILFs to eat junk food.  People who only get 40mpg in their Prius.  Overseas software programmers.  Rush Limbaugh's rebroadcast from the cubicle down the row.  Pot-luck lunches.

Gina's Sign-off
"I'm gonna learn to samba."

Episode #5198
Days until contract expiration: 288

Opening Song
"The Hand That Feeds" - Nine Inch Nails

Sign-offs

• "My brain has rebelled.  It does't accept that nice things can happen to me."
• "Stan Lee insulted me, but in Bizarro world, that means he likes me."

Bees
For summer, Little Bill wanted a mohawk.  Not some lame Mr. T. style mohawk, but a tall, standing straight up, punk-style mohawk.  Yesterday morning, Little Bill was able to get it to stand up all by himself, but by the time he got home, it had fallen down.  He told Bill that he was going to shower, and then asked if he would help him to get it to stand up again.  Bill and Little Bill tried, but just couldn't get it to stand.  Fortunately, Bill has an on-call hairstylist; Victor.  Victor told him that he needed to focus just on the base of the mohawk.  Worked just fine.  Victor doesn't have a lot of experience with mohawks, but today's mohawk is easier than in the 80's and 90's when they had to use raw egg whites...that attracts bees.

I Just Wanted To Go Home
Exhausted and on his way home, Richie was stopped at an intersection.  As he looked, an one vehicle drove through the intersection as the another turned into the oncoming car.  The driver then backed up and pulled into a 7-11 parking lot, as if to get away.  Richie T. To The Rescue!  Richie wanted to try and, at the very least, get the guy's license plate number.  As he followed the car into the parking lot, and undercover cop pulled in from the other direction and converged on the car.  The driver claimed he was just trying to get out of traffic.  Upon further questioning, the cop discovered that the driver didn't have a license because it had been revoked during a DUI.  In the car with him was his ex-wife, his two kids, and a dog.  He was immediately handcuffed as police checked on his name.  It turns out that the driver was wanted on a $5,000 warrant.  Richie was still hanging around and waiting to give his witness report.  As the man was talking to police, his two kids were standing by the car saying things like, "Are they gonna have to put daddy in jail again?", the woman is screaming about the damage to the car, and then the dog jumped out of the car.  Ever helpful, Richie chased down the dog and got it back into the car.  Then the kids started to complain that they were hungry, and thirsty, and tiiiiiiiierd.  Even more helpful, Richie went into the 7-11 and bought the two kids a couple of slurpees.  Still waiting to give his report, Richie sat down next to a Wonderbread truck.  The driver got out and asked Richie if he saw what had happened.  Richie gave a quick recap of his afternoon and then the driver asked, "You wanna cupcake?  Come on in.  Anything you want."  When Richie asked if he could take a picture of the driver for his blog, the driver noted, "You are!  I thought you sounded like 'Richie.'"

As he was about to leave, Richie went over to the guy who was hit and asked, "You wanna cupcake?"

Boners (brougth to you by risotto, fritatta, champagne, and chocolate cake)
1. "No PDAs":  At a High School in Maine, a principal denied a diploma to a student to blew a kiss to his family as he walked across the stage.  The principal saw the action, drew back his diploma, and sent the student back to his seat.

2. "Here Comes The Judge.  Don't You Know Who He Is?":  The New Jersey Supreme Court has permanently disqualified a municipal judge after a expletive laced romp in The Torpedo's Go-Go Club.  Richard Sasso grew angry when the bartender asked him to provide his license in order to start a tab.  Mr. Sasso began yelling, "Do you know who I am? I'm the Bound Brook judge.  I've left you guys alone for, oh, three years and I -- I'm not -- this is bull***t."  The latest incident was the latest in Mr. Sasso's not-so-stellar career.  He also admitted to taking the bench when under the influence of Vicodin and alcohol.

3. "How Fast Was I Goin'?":  After speeding in a police station parking lot, a highly intoxicated man stopped between two marked cruisers.  He then reclined his seat, closed his eyes, and proceeded to go to sleep.  When an officer approached the car, he noted an empty bottle of vodka in the back seat.

The anti-blow-kiss Principal is Boner of the Day.

Things That Must Go
Bill

• Courteous drivers.
• The illusion of privacy at the pharmacy.
• People writing on rocks in The Grand Canyon.

Kerry

• People who pull out in front of Kerry and kill his momentum.
• When people are backing out of a parking stall, stop.
• "The Jo Bros."
• "Slam Poetry" unless, of course, it's full contact slam poetry held in The Radio From Hell Po'm Dome.
• The two squirrels fighting for dominance in Kerry's backyard. 

Gina

• People driving a crappy car who have a sign reading something like, "If you're not making $50,000 a month, Call Me!"
• Bathroom stalls that have no hook, no shelf, and no back of the toilet on which to set a purse.
• "Brasil" instead of "Brazil."

Honorary Degree
In order to ear his degree from Cameo College of Essential Beauty, Bill went to town on Jessica's face, then plumped her lips.  Congrats!

Episode #5193
Days until contract expiration: 295

Sign-off

• "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

Short Bus to The Grand Canyon
As Bill readies for his trip with Richie to The Grand Canyon, he's getting some kind of sickness, but he's still going.  When he arrived at the studio this morning, Richie announced, "You should see the motel we're staying in tonight.  It's so trashy."  It's only $30 a night in Kingman, AZ.  When Gina looked up Kingman, AZ, the first thing that came up was that a pedophile in Kingman was just convicted.  Apparently he used to own a $30-per-night motel. 

Bill's is mostly packed up.  He's got all of his food, an ultra-light sleeping bag, and a one-man ultra-light tent.  Richie suggested that they might be able to fit two men in the tent, but Bill recommended against it; between the trail food and the sleeping bag, the tent doubles as the Allred Fart Palace.

Boners (brought to you by a fish taco)
1. "You Shoulda Seen The One That Got Away":  A commercial fisherman in the Gulf of Mexico notified the military after he reeled in what appeared to be a bomb.  It was first reported that the ordinance was live, but later that it was only a test missile to transmit telemetry data.  The military bomb squad dismantled the bomb in an empty parking lot and removed sensitive components.

2. "Come to Arkansas For A Educated Workforce":  A prank caller managed to convince an Arkansas hotel clerk to set off the hotels sprinklers then, to turn them off, break several windows.  The caller claimed to be from the company that installed the sprinklers and asked the clerk to help "reset" the devices.  When the sprinklers began to pour water, the caller told the clerk that he needed to break a window in order to shut off the water.

3. "You've Met Our Coach?  Coach Fagan":  A little league coach in Washington, used his son, a nephew, and another player from his team to break into a vacant shop.  George Spady's son crawled through a vent to unlock the shop, whereupon Coach Spady encouraged the young boys to go inside and  grab things.  The children will not likely be charged, but the coach will.

The hotel clerk is Boner of the Day.

Your List of Things That Must Go
People at a jewelry store who refuse the lotion or hand sanitizer to help remove their rings and then proceed to use their spit as a lubricant.  Hotel guests that thing the fire-sprinkler is a great place to hang clothing.  Hotel housekeepers who bring left half-eaten boxes of crackers and other foods back to the break-room for lunch.  Having your toothbrush tip over on the counter and leave white tooth goo all over the surface.  Calling an accountant a "bean counter."  Mechanics who refuse to explain their services to you because you are a "bean counter."  People who honk outside of an apartment complex until their companion comes out.  People with "No Soliciting" signs on their door that still buy from door-to-door salesmen.  The rock-n-roll or "devil" fingers.  People who hoot or cheer because someone mentioned marijuana.  Couples that share an e-mail address or a FaceBook page.  Voice mail instructions.  Recumbent bikes.  "Did you find everything?"  Clerks that give back your change with the coins on top of the bills.  Crom?  Ed Brass?  Boners?  Hey, sounds great.  Thanks for listening.

A Message From Crom
Crom will make the streets run red with your blood at the proper time.




Happy Birthday Jack Jackson!!

Episode #5190
Days until contract expiration: 302

Opening Song
"Salt Lake City" - The Dwarves

Roast Chicken Intern?
F.O.P Ben Webster (who may or may not be the former "Li'l Wienie Intern") wrote in and offered to give Bill a brand new Ron Popeil Showtime Rotisserie oven.  Ben has been trying to get rid of it and is happy to give it to Bill.  Bill thought it was a great idea.  Now they could have Roast Chicken Wednesday at the studio.  It's easier than the wienie crockpots - after all, Bill just has to "Set it and Forget it."  You don't even have to take the chicken out of the wrapper; it's just that easy!  Kerry suggested that Bill might want to take a moment before setting and/or forgetting it to stuff a few things up the chicken.

Boners
1. "I Was Just Trying to Help":  An Ohio man was arrested after he refused to stop mowing the unkempt grass at a local public park.  John Hamilton claimed he was just trying to make the city look nice.  The city has made major buget cutbacks for seasonal maintenance.  Mr. Hamilton was charged with disorderly conduct.

2. "Next Week We're Going To Publicize Launch Codes":  US Government reports marked "highly confidential", that included detailed maps of civilian nuclear sites, were inadvertently published on a government website after being sent to congress for review.  The reports also included maps of the locations of nuclear weapon fuel stockpiles.  The report has since been removed from the website.

3. "So Who's Gonna Pay The Damned Rent?":  Cynthia Roberson (51), is accused of leading a "gang" of armed robbers on a mugging spree in Phoenix, AZ.  Roberson allegedly used guilt to motivate her two sons, (12 and 14), and five other residents of her apartment to steal cell phones and wallets in order to pay her rent and car loan.

The guilting gang-leader is Boner of the Day.


Unforgettable Quote
"I'd go fart with you in the dark." - Richard T. Steadman

Things That Must Go
Bill

• People who use shopping carts as garbage cans.
• Blister packs.
• A package of 12, supposedly, black pens that also includes two blue pens.
• People who make their crappy cars sound loud.

Gina

• Gina is no longer pregnant.  In fact, her youngest, Li'l Mohamed, is now a toddler.  Gina is still wearing maternity bras, but won't go bra shopping.  Gina's laziness must go.
• Advertisements that offer special insurance to people born between 1925 and 1969.  Gina's not even 40 and now she qualifies for old-people insurance.
• The food that was brought in by a fine restaurant yesterday, but is still in the hallway today.

Kerry

• Revving your motorcycle engine after you start it.
• John & Kate.  It's pro wrestling.  It's phony and it's not real.
• Movie theaters that put Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past in the big THX theater instead of Star Trek.  Uhura's chest is much more impressive than Matthew McGonakey's.

• Kerry's past arch-enemies include Conway Twitty, Ty Pennington, and Kanye West. Kerry's new arch-enemy, Spencer Pratt, and his beard, must go. 

I'm Not Stupid. I'm Just Different.
Gina doesn't drink water.  She likes flavor with her fluids.  Now, she's been justified.  Dr. Oz, of the Glinda Oz's, told the super-enlightened audience of Orpha Winkey that a study of two twins proved there was no real need to drink water - people got plenty of fluids from the food they ate.  In conclusion, Gina admonished that, "Water is for suckers." 

Fortunately, and F.O.P wrote in with the actual facts of the study.  Apparently Dr. Ozma went on to say that the study was only looking at skin elasticity and no other health affects of drinking water.  Gina apparently turned of the TV as soon as Dr. Ozma said, "However...." [click!]

Back At It
On Sunday Night, Bill overdid.  He abused his good friend alcohol.  He began with a couple of martini's before dinner, a glass of wine or two with dinner, and then a steady combination of PBR and High West Whiskey after dinner with Unka Todd.  Monday morning, Bill swore off the drink.  The response was dramatic.  F.O.Ps from across The Wasatch Front called and e-mailed Bill, begging him to forgive himself of his trespasses and return to the light.  Bill took their advise to heart and, yesterday afternoon, took back his friend with a couple of PBRs and a shot of Paul White's Kentucky Bourbon.

Neglected News
Megan Fox has phony ass-nails.  These posterior cuticles apparently keep her from carrying her own flashlight, and Sheila Buff must carry a torch to light her way.  That leaves Ms. Fox free to help Sheila with her physical rehab.  Brooke Hogan is a good, wholesome girl, who is not dumb at all, Brother! 

Gina's Sign-off
"Water's for suckers."

Episode #5185
Days until contract expiration: 309

Opening Song
"On My Way" - Billy Boy on Poison

Sign-offs
If you don't mind, I'd  like to borrow your bodies for a few hours.

Pot, Meet Kettle
Gina didn' care for Bill's apparently off-color and inappropriate joke about Billy Boy on Poison's song.  After all, the lead-singer is just a little boy; a little boy who is singing about standing on a woman's back porch, asking her to answer the back-door, and making her wet.  Kerry suggested that the only solution is for Gina to take down the singer's pants and spank him, then she can get back to her Zack Effron wallpaper.

Ogden Style
Yesterday, Bill attended his daughter's graduation from Bonneville High School in Ogden at The Dee Event Center.  He was wearing white pants and a Mexican wedding shirt and was severely overdressed.  After the ceremony, he asked his daughter what she thought about the program.  Her response was much like Bill's, "It's dull, dull, dull!  My God it's dull!  It's so deadly dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and desperately dull!"

Out to the Movies with Mr. Jackson
Kerry saw Sam Raimi's new horror movie, Drag Me to Hell.  It's funny, and scary, and just a damn good time.  It's very much like Evil Dead without Bruce Campbell.  The movie is also educational.  Kerry learned that when a one eyed hungarian woman asks you for a favor, you say yes.

Boners (brought to you by a pastrami sandwich and a chicken pozole soup)
1. "Ain't This One of Them Up and Down Bathrooms?":  Using hidden cameras, officials were finally able to uncover the identity of a man who had repeatedly urinated in the freight elevator of an IRS building in Detroit.  When questioned as to his motive, Micke Hicks replied that he did it because he thought he could get away with it.  Hicks was charged with damaging federal property.

2. "I Was Robbed By a 12-Pack":  Police are on the lookout for a thief in Nebraska who robbed a convenience store whilst wearing an empty bud-light box over his head.  The man managed to make off with $50 in cigarettes.

3. "My Wife is Sick and I am Lonely"  A 67-year-old Salt Lake area pastor faces sex charges after exposing himself on the internet and asking a police officer, posing as a minor, sexually explicit questions.  The incidents occured numerous times including once whilst the pastor was visiting his sick wife in the hospital.

The urinating elevator passenger is Boner of the Day.


Things That Must Go
People who back into parking spots.  Skinny pants.  Woman not washing hands after using the restroom  Woman who come in to use the bathroom and use the stall right next to you.  Neon colored clothing.  Dishonest contractors.  People who think that cooking hot dogs and mac and cheese make a person a good cook.  Carol Mikita pre-HD.  Carol Mikita post-HD.  Hannity calling it Obama's recession, then noting that the recession has lasted more than 16-months.  The Dress Barn.  "Is stilling (sic) worth losing your job over?" "The physical (sic) year."  Reruns advertised with "Now with more chances to watch."  The big orange "Paid" sticker on gum. "Sorry I missed your call.  I was having something cut off me."  "I'm going home for a few hours.  The growth on my back has burst and is oozing puss.  Social Studies teaching jobs always being associated with a coaching position.  If you don't know how to attach a document to email, it's time to retire.  If your teaching materials are typewritten, it's time to retire.  If you're using teaching tools that were originally mimeographed, it's time to retire.  Teachers who play political games to get what they want instead of remembering that they are there to teach.

Gina's Sign-off
"You're a liar."

Episode #5176
Days until contract expiration: 323

Opening Song
"I Want to be a Polygamist" - The Utah County Swillers

The U.C. Swiller's page on the social network that must not be named, here.


Sign-offs

• You don't have to apologize to me, but you're gonna have to answer to Jesus.

• With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun!

A Sixteenth Cherokee
Gina would rather be home in bed.  Not Bill.  He obviously enjoys this job enough to throw his sleeping schedule and life into complete disarray.  Kerry feels that it's healthier to go to bed early and get up early.  According to Bill, people really should go to bed when the sun sets and wake up when the sun rises; like the injuns do.  Who?  The injuns.  Ya know, the red man.  Gina prefers "Native American."  Bill apologized; he wasn't aware that Gina was 1/16th Cherokee.  Kerry is actually part Sioux; his grandmother or grandfather was 100%, which left Kerry with a family history of weak heart, but wasn't enough to get Kerry any booze money from the gov'ment.  If any Native Americans do not understand that Bill's terminology and comments were made in a satirical manner, he'll be happy to sit down and smoke the peace pipe with them.

Drive-Thru MILF
Gina's on a new diet.  It's called "Driving Joe's Car."  Joe never, ever eats in his car, so Gina can't either.  It keeps her from eating fast-food because Gina pefers driving around the back of restaruants and getting her food tossed to her from a window.  When going to Taco Bell, Gina doesn't order a drink, because they only have Pepsi.  Instead she only orders a soft taco, MEAT-ONLY!  When eating a hamburger, Gina likes to take off the paper wrapper and wrap it in a napkin instead.  That way it soaks up more grease.  Radio From Hell has become The Old Spaghetti Factory of morning shows.

Underwhelming Boners (brought to you by pulled-pork BBQ sandwiches)
1. "Mark Shurtleff is a Twit":  Attorney General Mark "Alco-pop" Shurtleff accidentally Twittered his announcement to run against Senator Bob Bennett in the next election.

2. "We Told You To Just Say, 'No,' To Prom ":  A student was suspended from his Christian school because he attended Prom at another High School.  The Christian school bans dancing and is principaled by John Lithgow.

        2a. "It's Just Like Footloose!" - Gina Barberi

3. "It Was My First Day as a Guard":  A Bosnian guard forgot to lock the door on his prisoner.  The prisoner escaped.

The dance-banning Christian School is Boner of the Day.

Your List of Things That Must Go
People who watch American Karaoke and make it the focus of conversation for the entire day.  Cars that are full of trash.  People who want valets to park their car with their dog still inside.  People who tell their valet, "I have an iPhone in my car.  Do not steal it."  People who complain that Postum is no longer available.  Glenn Beck.  Cellflirt.com.  Adult twins who still dress identically.  Annoying fonts or stationary in E-mail.  Pedestirans that cross the street when the hand is red.  People who gie pets as gifts.  Vegans.  Ann Coulter.  Iced milk.  "The Friend Zone."  "Voka" instead of "Vodka."  Talking about church-stuff at work.  Mini Coopers.  PT Cruisers.  Men driving convertibles.  Yellow cars.  Advertising "mountain view" homes in Utah.

Cock-a-Doodle
Bill is still trying to convince Gina that she should allow Joe to join the Urban Chicken movement.  According to the article, chickens are friendly, quieter than dogs, and fun to take care of.  Kerry has a somewhat different opinion of chickens.  In his experience as a farm-boy, they are loud, filthy, mean, and will attract raccoons and skunks.  Gina won't divorce Joe over the chickens, but if he decides to get an urban chicken coop, he'll have made the decision for her.

Gina's Sign-off
"That's right Hot Rod."

 

Episode #5171
Days until contract expiration: 330


Opening Song
"The Hand That Feeds" - Nine Inch Nails

Sign-off

• "You killed my pretend cat."

Things That Must Go
Bill

• Deodorant stains on your shirt.
• Yellow lines in the Trolley Corners parking lot.
• "Isn't that something."
• "I'll be darned."
• Dom Deluise...  Oh?  Never mind.

Gina

• The convenience store chain, The Plaid Pantry, with no plaid on their logo or sign.
• Checker Auto Parts getting rid of their checked flag logo and sign.
• Being so tired you can't remember what you've washed in the shower.
• That horrible bitch from Jon & Kate Plus Eight...  Gina can't blame Jon for cheating.

Kerry

• Taking away our right to be stupid on the internet or with novelty cigarette lighters.
• Vince Horiuchi accusing Kerry of being "over zealous" about the new Star Trek movie.  Mr. Horiuchi is an over-zealous douche-bag.

Geek Fight
When Kerry saw Watchmen, he and Sean Means of The Salt Lake Tribune had a little argument over the validity of the scene featuring a recreation of the Kennedy Assassination.  Now, it's Vince Horiuchi.  Mr. Horiuchi is the TV critic for The Tribune.  He wrote Kerry an e-mail accusing him of being "over zealous" and all wrapped up in the hype of the new Star Trek movie.  Kerry took some exception to that characterization.  Kerry doesn't take Trek lightly.  Kerry, after all, has created a religion dedicated to the worship of one James Tiberius Kirk.  Kerry's former nemesis, Sean Means, called in to back up Kerry.  Sean and Vince have been having an ongoing debate about the movie since the screening.  Vince was upset that they re-cast the original crew.  Couldn't they just create a new crew?  Sean pointed out that they had done that; it was called The Next Generation, and Vince hated that as well.  Not to mention Voyager, Deep Space Nine, and Enterprise.  Sean describes Vince as an Ultra-Orthadox Trek Fan.  He's kind of like a member of the Trek Taliban.  A Trekkie Fundamentalist, if it pleases.  There's really just no use is discussing the matter with them.  They'll never change their mind and they are always right.


Boners (brought to you by Taco Tuesday)

2. "Here's What You Shouldn't Say ":  The Delaware Department of Transportation issued a newsletter on diversity that explicitly spelled out a number of slurs and epithets that were not to be used.  The list consisted of racially, sexually, and culturally offensive terms.

3. "Keep the Queers Away From My Kids":  Sam "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher has friends that are gay, but they know he won't let them around his kids:



Mr. Wurzelbacher is Boner of the Day.

Gina's Sign-off
"We're goin' for steak and eggs t' Frost's."

Episode #5161
Days until contract expiration: 344

Opening Song
"Can't Stop" - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Sign-offs

• "It's important to believe in something.  I believe I'll have another cosmo."
• "There are three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere; 'Hold my purse.'"

No Time to Say Hello. Good-bye!
It's "six-oh-nine", or maybe "six-fourteen."  Who knows?  Gina doesn't.  Her phone is fast.  How can her phone be fast?  Doesn't the time come down for the sky?  How can the satellite in the sky what sends the time to the phone be fast?  Especially since Kerry's phone is on the same carrier.  Shouldn't they be the same?  It comes from the sky!!  Gina trusts the sky, but now the sky is wrong!?  

Richie?  Where are your keys?

Boners
1. "How'd You Know it was Me?":  A man stealing cameras from a Splash-and-Dash car wash was caught on said cameras in a mask that only partially covered his face. 

2. "Get Out!  Get Out!  Get Out!":  What is usually an empty threat from parents to "get out of the car," turned to reality in White Plains, NY.  Madlyn Primoff pulled over in a White Plains business district and told her 10 and 12-year-old arguing daughters to get out of the car.  Ms. Primoff then drove away, leaving the two girls more than three-miles from their home.  Ms. Primoff was arrested and charged with child endangerment.

3. "Not the face.  Not the Face!"  On her first night as an exotic dancer, a 52-year-old woman was hit in the face with a stiletto heel by a co-worker.  The co-worker was of the opinion that the establishment needed no other dancers.  The victim's injuries required seven surgical staples to repair.

The follow-through mother is Boner of the Day.

Walking the Walk
On this Earth Day, Kerry would like to point a common hypocrisy amongst environmental activists.  Al Gore and many, many others are always seen wearing suits; suits that require dry-cleaning.  Dry cleaning typically uses a number of chemicals that are not particularly good for the environment.  Politicians and other authority figures should switch back to a nice, easy-to-clean cotton toga - like the Greeks and the Romans. 

Your List of Things That Must Go
The self-check-out lane.  People that steal beer and use the fire-exit to escape, resulting in a high-pitched store alarm.  The improper use of the word "anymore."  Complaining about "spoilers."  "Now more than ever."  "In these economic Times."  The Mighty Boosh.  "You're not gonna like this."  Men that smell of baby powder.  Scented candles in the bathroom.  Using "absolutely" too often.  Do I hate it when people ask and answer their own questions?  The clumsy local-news segue.  Teachers who tell parents that their kid should be on medication in order to pay attention.  CEOs who can't send a fax.  CEOs who bring their dog to work.  CEOs who yell and scream at their co-workers.  Co-workers that chew on their pen.  Women who wear heavy earrings that stretch their earlobes.  Co-workers who tell you they lost weight.  People who jam the copier and walk away.  Older gentelman who comment to younger women, "Here comes trouble!"  People who do not say, "Hello."  Soggy tortilla chips.  The lady that closes her eyes to make a dramatic point.  Men who don't keep their fingernails very, very short.  The fact that Bill still has to countdown the RFH contract.

Panties by the Pound
Kerry's wife, Sue, rarely pays for panties.  She gets so many of the free-panties coupons from Victoria's Secret that there is no need to actually spend money on them.  Recently, as they were walking through the mall, Sue handed the coupon to Kerry and told him to go pick up her free panties whilst she went shopping elsewhere.  Kerry knows what sue wears, and he knows what he likes, so he can pick out a pair easily.  Of course, that does necessitate that Kerry stand in line, seemingly a single male, holding a pair of panties and a coupon for free panties.  It's not a comfortable moment.  Every woman in the store was giving Kerry the stink-eye.  Kerry briefly thought about really freaking out the women by beginning to sniff the panties, but refrained.  Bill suggested that he should have picked out the largest pair in the store and asked the clerk if she thought they would fit. 

Bill also goes shopping for Mrs. Bill's panties.  He knows what he likes and he picks them up out of the dispenser at the car wash.  There ain't nothin' sexier than a woman in a blue shammy-like thing.  Sham-wow!

Episode #5156
Days until contract expiration: 351

The Aftermath
Bill survived his colonoscopy without much damage.  In fact, by the time 1:30pm rolled around, even the IV of glucose was a welcome relief from the starvation.  Then they took Bill into the operating room and gave him some kind of inhaled relaxant.  It was very nice.  Then, they gave him the propofol.  <Bink>.  Bill didn't remember anything after that until after the procedure and F.O.P Laura asked him how he felt.  Bill felt great, except for the mass of air filling his intestines.  Laura encouraged Bill to go ahead and get rid of it in the usual way.  If Laura gets a bunch of patients in recovery together, it's much like a bittersweet symphony of flatus. As Bill continued to wake up, he felt really, really good.  He was so well rested and relaxed!  When he got home, Mrs. Bill made him some nice poached eggs and some toast.  He followed that with some milk, crackers, and a gin martini.

Boners (brought to you by a gin martini)
1. "Sorry Honey, You're Out of a Job":  During a surgical procedure a hospital administrator pulled an attending nurse out of the operating room and told her that they were laying her off.  She was forced to leave the hospital immediately.

2. "Bitch Owed Me":  A man in Oak Creek, WI slashed his mother with a knife and shot her three times with an AK-47 over a matter of $2.  Frederick Bertrang claimed that he became angry when his mother refused to give him the two dollars to pay for a bar's cover charge.  Mr. Bertrang stabbed her twice in the leg, fled to the basement, and began firing his assault rifle up through the floor.

3. "Porn Test":  During a broadcast of the Good Friday mass from The Vatican, a Philadelphia Comcast station inadvertently showed 30 seconds of an advertisement for the "Girls Gone Wile" videos.

Frederick Bertrang is Boner of the Day.

Soulless Killing Machines
When Kerry and Bill were still working in Ogden, they were called by Chris Devine, who owned KBER.  Kerry and Bill had a lousy signal, but were still matching and sometimes beating KBER's morning show in the ratings.  When they met, Mr. Devine asked Kerry and Bill what they were making at KJQ.  They told him and he replied, "I'll pay ya that."  No raise - just, "I'll pay ya that."  When Kerry and Bill inquired as to why they would bother making the switch for no increase in pay or benefits, Mr. Devine answered, "You'd be workin' for The Bear!" 

Kerry and Bill decided on the way home that the probably didn't want to work at 'The Bear.'

Things That Must Go
Bill

• Bill's colon polyps.
• "Hiding money from the wife" jokes.
  • This includes comments about "the wife" being a shopaholic.
• Jokes about John McCain being old.
• Kentucky Fried Chicken once again trying to be healthy with their new KGC; Kentucky Grilled Chicken.

Gina

• Guys who drive vipers.
• Guys who wear their sunglasses on the back of their head.
• Whoever in Gina's house that keeps leaving the bathroom door open, allowing Li'l Mohamed the chance to place Gina's shoe in the terlet water.

Kerry

• All the tea-baggers who fell for the tea party gimmick.  You fell for a radio/television/corporate stunt. 
• People at Starbucks who stare at the menu.
• People at Starbucks who put their money at the very bottom of their purse.
• The lazy pothead with the fake crutches at the concert.
  • Mostly because Kerry is pissed that he didn't think of it first.
• People who are upset that Kerry nuked Cleveland and is threatening to nuke Detroit.  It's a sound effect.

A Message from Crom
"Crom laughs at this silliness.  Gives Jesus a sword.  Who would you bet on?"

Neglected News
Jennifer Aniston is too good for that racist ol' John Mayer.  Dr. Jim Carrey and Dr. Jenny McCarthy don't want you to vaccinate your children.  Vaccines are poison that will give your indigo child a raging case of autism.  Instead, Dr. Jenny McCarthy endorses ejecting botullism into your face.

Episode #5151
Days until contract expiration: 358

Opening Song
"Cold Hard Bitch" - Jet

Sign-offs

• "Why do we call something sent by car a shipment, but something sent by ship is cargo?"

• "Did you know that it's not possible to ski through a revolving door?"

Opening
For some reason, Bill was expecting Kerry to play a Rush song as the opening number.  Kerry isn't sure why; he doesn't like Rush, X96 doesn't play Rush, and they don't have ten minutes for an opening number.

When The Music's Over
Mrs. Bill doesn't love Bill anymore.  Gina was not shocked, "How could she?" At least, that's the conclusion Bill came to based on their conversation last evening.  When Bill is going to be on TV, he always asks Mrs. Bill what he should wear.  Last night, she couldn't really be bothered to answer.  Finally, she went to the closet to take a look at Bill's closes.  After a cursory glance she told Bill, "Just wear your uniform."

Sue took a more vocal role in Kerry's choice of clothing.  He showed Sue what he planned on wearing, and she informed him that he would not be wearing those.  She picked out two different shirts.  One was a light blue shirt, but that ended up being too small, so Kerry wore the other.  He didn't think about it until later, but the shirt has a tiny pattern on it, which can screw up the TV cameras.  Bill doesn't mind; if everyone is looking at Kerry's shirt, they won't be able to look at him.

Gina is wearing brown.  Joe probably doesn't even know she's going to be on TV today.  Joe can rarely remember Gina's name.

KUTV's Byran Woolley is having RFH help him prepare chicken fried steak and flan.  Though Gina loves chicken fried steak, she's pretty sure that Bryan is going to trick her.  When she has been tricked with meat in the past, she's ended up pregnant.

http://www.kutv.com/content/lifestyle/recipes/story/Chicken-Fried-Steak-And-Flan/out_kB0ZMUSU24sNShIz8A.cspx

Boners (brought to you by shepherd's pie)
1. "Hey!  My Trees!":  A feud between Kerry's former neighbors erupted into vandalism as "The Party House" allegedly attacked and cut down four trees in the yard of Todd Thornwall.  The Thornwalls had called the police a number of times on "The Party House."

2. "I Was Cleaning Stuff Up ":  A man in Wisconsin admitted his lack of forethought when he cleaned his apartment using gasoline then threw a lit cigarette into a pile of gas soaked cushions and clothing.  When the fire started, instead of pulling the fire-alarm, the man ran to the hallway and yelled, "Fire!" a couple of times before fleeing the building towards the police and fire station.  He has been charged with arson.

3. "So, Where's The Huggin' Funeral? ":  A Texas woman in Magnolia, AK started a brawl at a wake after appearing at the solemn event with a can of beer in her hand.  When the boisterous woman grabbed a man by the face, causing deep scratches, then refused to leave, the police were called.  When they arrived, the woman became more passively aggressive and informed authorities that "no backwood county cop" was going to arrest her.  They arrested her.

The gas-cleaning arsonist is Boner of the Day.


SYSMA!
Gina received a postal package from "Roma, Italy."  When she opened it, it was from a band in Italy called Sysma.  The lead singer, Marco, wrote and asked Gina if she would take a few minutes to listen to their CD.  Kerry popped it in.  Michael Lee Rose and Dark Ugly Thing may have some competition for official Radio From Hell Band.  "Searching For a Woman" seemed to be the cast favorite.

Your List of Things That Must Go
"Allergy season."  People who use coupons at the self-checkout.  People who buy produce at the self-checkout.  People who buy beer and tobacco at the self-checkout. People who use checks at the self-checkout.  Mothers who say to other children, "Oh, you don't have a puppy?" or, "Oh, you don't have a Wii?"  People who poke others in order to get their attention.  People who flatulate in their cubicle then blame it on the garbage.  People who complain that they are getting fat because of their sit-down job.  "What time to you get up in the morning?"  Complaining about having to wear medical scrubs to work every day.  In-laws who come over and take over the TV in order to watch NASCAR.  People joking about potential fights when the Pepsi distributor is seen talking to the Coke guy.  The deep voice guy on radio stations.  Buying a wedding dress.  "Traditional family."  The special-effects in the produce section.  Passengers who order food at the drive-thru.  People who just sit at the drive-thru without informing the clerk that they are not ready yet.  Asking for extra-sauces after you order because they may charge you a dime.  Charging a dime for extra sauces.

Gina's Sign-off
"Stay care!"

Episode #5146
Days until contract expiration: 365

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

This is It
One year from today, on April 1, 2010, Radio From Hell's contract will expire.  They were discussing an extension with management a few months ago, but since then the economy has gone in the toilet and they haven't heard anything since.  Kerry is too much trouble, and between he and Bill, much too expensive. Simmon's will keep Gina because she'll work for half-price and she never causes trouble.  In fact, Simmon's has started already.  They hung a big banner out in front of the offices and only Gina's face is on it.  Prepare for Radio From Hell with Gina B. and The Richie T. Experience.

Boners
1. "Honey?  You Wanna Shot?" or "After Pin The Tail on The Donkey, We're Doing Shots! ":  Karen Christine Downs and Kelsee Guest face child endangerment charges after they provided alcohol to several teen girls at a party and offered to pay $10 to whoever could chug a glass of vodka the fastest.  Two girls ended up in the hospital.

2. "You Know How Fast That Stool Was Going?":  After 15 beers, Kile Wygle crashed his lawn-mower engine powered bar-stool.  Mr. Wygle claimed that the stool had a top speed of 38-miles-per-hour.  He has been charged with a DUI.

3. "Come on!  Gimme a Shot! ":  An Ohio man has been charged with filing a false report after authorities discovered that Eric B. Fortune Jr. goaded his brother into shooting him in the leg.  Mr. Fortune claimed that he wanted to know what it felt like to be shot.  After the incident, however, Mr. Fortune told police that he was shot in the leg by an unknown assailant.

The partying mothers are Boners of the Day.

Things That Must Go
Bill

• "...but yeah, no..."
• "I know, yeah, huh..."
• "Damn betcha."
• "Schweet."
• "Schorry."
• "Let's blow this cheap popcorn stand."
• Jelly jiggling of any kind.

Gina

• Shauna Lake's "Healthy Living Report" about a home spa day.
• Honorary degrees.
• Performance artists who sign guitars but aren't known for playing the guitar.

Kerry

• Media praising other media about their tired, hack, boring April Fool's Day gags.
• Elevator stank.  Clean the mats and stop wearing cologne.
• Bollywood.
• Bollywood musical numbers.
• "Tweet."
• Poking on FaceBook
• Alligators.

Gina's Sign-off
"One nice green leaf."

Episode #5141
Days until contract expiration: 372

Opening Song
"Heterosexual Man" - Odds

Sign-off

• "Some days I  feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe."
• "All stressed out and no one to choke."

Chew and Screw
Last night Mrs. Bill had to dine and dash...which was funny because she had just seen a sign on a burger joint advertising it's services which read, "Dine and Dash.  Fresh and Fast."  Apparently they would like you to go in, eat, and leave without paying.  Kerry has only done that once in his life.  He was at a restaurant and the waiter just disappeared.  They waited, and waited, and waited, but he never returned.  They were late for their movie, so they just bailed.  Bill has done it twice.  Once for the same reason as Kerry and once because he was drunk and his alcoholic brother-in-law told him it would be a good idea.

A Good Idea?
Besides his food theivery, Bill also accidentally committed a felony.  At the time of the commission, twenty years ago, he didn't know it was illegal, but now he does.  He was exploring some Native American cliff dwellings and found four or five pottery chards that he collected for souvenirs.  He's always meant to take them back, but still hasn't.  Of course, should you be a member of law enforcement and reading this blog, Bill made the whole thing up as a radio stunt.

Boners (brought to you by roast chicken)
1. "Ms. Nelson?  Would You Pull Your Pants Up Please":   A Florida middle-school teacher has been placed on administrative leave after her students had to tell her to pull her pants up.  Kylene Nelson apparently showed up to class highly intoxicated.  She grabbed several students and demanded that they dance with her before exposing her buttocks to the class.  Several students photographed and videotapped the incident on their cell-phones.  Eventually Ms. Nelson fled to a nearby pool and passed out.

2. "No Backsies":  Paying his Qwest phone bill online for the first time, Arthur Simmons dutifully entered $121.14, but accidently neglected the decimal place.  This caused Qwest to withdrawl more than $12,000 dollars from Mr. Simmons' account.  When Mr. Simmons' called to remedy the situation, the Qwest representative told him it would take at least six-weeks to get him a refund.  Thankfully, Channel 4 news called and Mr. Simmons will now be receiving his refund in a more timely manner.

3. "Nobody's Gonna Get My Pot":  A New Jersey Dentist was found to have more than 40 marijuana plants along with several firearms in his home.  They were discovered by police when the dentist's burglar alarm went off and automatically notified police of a potential break-in.

Customer service specialists, Qwest Communications, is Boner of the Day.

Movie Review
Yesterday, Kerry went and saw I Love You Man.  Paul Rudd is great.  Usually he plays the quick, smart, and witty friend.  Not so in this movie.  Instead, he plays the friend that tries and fails at being quick, smart, and witty.  Like The Shatner, Lou Ferrigno has finally learned to make fun of himself.  Years ago, when Gina was pregnant with Festus, Radio From Hell had interviewd Mr. Ferrigno and found him to be a humorless ass. 

Your List of Things That Must Go
Milk expiration and confusion about which date line to use but your children are bad and having a conniption and the dairy person will be sure to do something about it. And what is the deal with the long voice mail instructions?  And how about airline food?  Doesn't that just suck?  Make sure the automatic toilet flushes your business.  If it doesn't, use your foot to push the button - or stand on one foot, take off your shoe, and then press it with your shoe.  Women getting preggo and having children.  Complaining about snow in Utah.  "You just don't understand."  "Will you do me a flavor?"  "Skissors!"  "Where are the bathrooms at?"  Guys.  Skinny being more important than donuts.  The little red peppers in frozen entrees.  Able bodied mothers who park in the handicapped spot when picking up their children from school.  "My taxes pay your salary."  "Don't you have something better to do than pull me over?"  "I know my rights!"  "Why don't you go get a doughnut?"  "You're the reason people hate cops."  "I saw [blank] on CSI.  Can't you try that?" 

Is That You!?
Last night, Sue came in to "Kerry's" bedroom to tell him to roll over, in order to stop his snoring.  As she did so, Kerry said, "I love you.  Go and see how Dennis looks."  NO one is sure who Dennis is or might be.

Gina's Sign-off
"Get in ma' belly!"

Episode #5136
Days until contract expiration: 379

Sign-offs

• "No one is a virgin.  The world screws us all."
• "If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out."

Karaoke Chat
"Crom will destroy America to save it from American [Karaoke]."

Boners (brought to you by Unka Todd's excellent corned beef and Gina's ruined corned beef)
1. "I Got My Deer!"  A West Valley man has been jailed on domestic violence charges after beating his girlfriend with a set of deer antlers.

2. "The Answer is Blowing in the Wind":  The portable lavatory that Bob Dylan has placed on his palatial estate is "raising a stink."  Neighbors are complaining that the noxious raw sewage stench is causing severe discomfort and may be causing illness.

3. "The Senator and The Songwriter Does Neither Very Well":  Senator Orrin Hatch is seeking to pass a bill that seemingly punishes radio stations for promoting a performers material.  The bill will seek to add additional fees each time a radio station plays a song.  Stations already pay significant royalties to song-writers each time their songs are aired.

Our esteemed senator, Orrin Hatch, is Boner of the Day

I Didn't Ruin the Dinner
Gina ruined Joe's corned beef and cabbage.  It was just as well.  Gina doesn't understand boiled meat.  Meat should only and always bee cooked outside over an open flame.  She followed the simple recipe and boiled the meat with the onions, celery, and spices for two hours.  She then took Bill's advice and placed the beef under the broiler for ten minutes.  It turned all leathery.  Bill reminded Gina that she was using Joe's recipe and should have done it Joe's way.  All was not lost.  The green cake that Gina purchased from a French bakery turned out just fine. 

Things That Must Go
Gina

• People in the customer service industry that can't fake a good attitude.
• People that don't acknowledge you when you hold the door for them.
• The onion smell on Gina's hands.

Bill

• Comedians on news programs.
• "...with all the trimmings."
• Baby pictures as your Facebook profile photo.  Is that you as a baby?  Your baby?  A random baby?
• A picture with two people as your Facebook profile photo.  Which is you?
• The corrective honk.  Bill knows he did something mildly illegal.  Leave him alone.

Kerry

• If you're parking a motorcycle in a busy parking log, park towards the back of the stall so it is easily visible.
• On "Take Your Kid to Work Day", only do so if you have an exciting job.
• Only John Lennon is allowed to sing "Imagine."
• "Twits" on Twitter.  A "Tweet" is something funny or clever.  A "Twit" is another "doing my nails now" or "getting ready to go jogging" or some other pointless and boring announcement.

Gina's Sign-off
"I swallowed a shell."

Episode #5131
Days until contract expiration: 386

Sign-offs

• "Don't let anyone tell you that you're not humpable"
• "There's no need for you to throw your love-spuds on the barbecue."

Another Radio Show?
Yesterday, Bill was invited to appear on The David Bender Show, a show on the socialist Air America Radio network.  Bill doesn't think he was very good.  First of all, Mr. Bender doesn't seem to understand comedy.  Whilst discussing the liquor laws, Bill joked that people who knew how could easily get a drink in Utah.  In fact, Bill was already drunk.  Mr. Bender replied with something like, "I should note that it's only 10:00, so that's pretty early."

Boners (brought to you by peanut butter noodles)
1. "Yeah I Had a Belt to Calm My Nerves.  What of it?":  After being caught with more than $1,200 in stolen merchandise, a woman was ordered by police to later appear at the police station for a hearing.  When she arrived, police believe that she was intoxicated and charged her with drunk driving.

2. "Second Rule of Fight Club?  Never Use 'Tards ":  Several employees of a Texas state run home for the mentally disabled have been suspended for staging fights between the residents of the home.  Police were made aware of the activities after a cell phone surfaced contaning videos of the bouts.  Residents were forced to shove, push, and punch each other as employees jeered them on.

3. "I Like You.  Would You Care to See My Weapon?"  In Ogden, a man on a first date shot off his little finger whilst showing off his handgun to his date.  The man had removed the ammunition clip, but was accidentally depressing the trigger as he reloaded the weapon.

The fight-club employees are Boners of the Day.

Your List of Things That Must Go
School and churches that schedule meetings with no consideration to those families with two working parents.  The painted lane markers that are hard to see in the rain or snow.  Whoever canceled Pushing Daisies.  Tyler Perry's upcoming sitcom.  The useless LED light on the stereo that indicates that it is off or in stand-by.  The "Ward Ruzicka"; the woman in every church ward that is always right and tells you that you are wrong at inappropriate time - like during her monthly Fast Sunday speech.  People who laugh and then say, "That's funny."  People who wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.  Quiet bathroom fans.  Stickers on the tab of beer cans.  Lying to the dentist about brushing after every meal.  Office co-workers who comment, "Takin' off early?", or "Decided to show up today?"  Braces are cosmetic.  They are not covered by Medicaid.  Fertilization treatments are voluntary.  They are not covered by Medicaid.  Med-school students who use Medicaid throughout their education, but then refuse to accept Medicaid as a payment method.  People who complain about all the lazy welfare familes spending their tax money.  The "lazy" welfare familes are a tiny, tiny percent of the people on welfare.  Most people are working very hard to get off the program and on their own. 

Damned Daywalkers
Gina is hosting a release party for the Twilight DVD.  <sigh>  What!?  Gina likes it!  Kerry is just concerned that the movie may be presenting a bad example to young girls. 

K:  After all, Edward is a pedophile.  He's a hundred years old and dating a 16-year-old.   
G:  No!  That's not how it is!  He waits to have the sex with Belle until after she's 18-years-old and they get married.  He's a purity-ring vampire.

K:  Does Edward have to sleep in his native dirt? 
G:  No.  There's no native dirt. 

K:  And he doesn't kill people? 
G:  Nope.  He eats deer. 

K:  Can he go out in the day? 
G:  Well, not really.  He can go out when it's cloudy. 

K:  If he goes out in broad daylight does he burst into flames? 
G:  Well, no.  He just gets more beautiful. 

K:  What?
G:  He gets all sparkly.  It's really noticeable, that's why they don't go out during the day.

K:  HUH!?  Is he a vampire or what!? 
G:  He drinks blood!

B:  Does he have to use a garlic condom when he has the sex?

Gina's Sign-off
"Thanks for the eggs.  Don't ruin Twilight for me."

Episode #5122
Days until contract expiration: 400

Why?
Gina didn't want to come in to work today, but she was a trooper and did it any way.  She woke up sick and dizzy; had to hold herself up in the shower.  Why won't she go to a doctor?  Because she has to run around ALL day.  Why?  Because her lazy, good-for-nothing husband wouldn't help?  No.  Joe offered to, "Do anything for you....babe."  Nope.  If she let Joe help, then she wouldn't be able to complain.  Bill thinks that maybe Gina is getting postpartum depression again.  Not that she's pregnant, but she's gettting fat, sore, and has developed some kind of mucus plug.

Afternoon Delight
After the show, Kerry went back to his efforts to drink Vegas dry.  He and Sue went to a bar called "Ice", which was a bar entirely constructed of ice.  It was kept at -5 degrees centigrade.  Kerry liked it because he could enjoy his beverage, then eat his glass.  After that, they went back to a bar in The Mandalay Bay, where Kerry left his credit card.  Finally, they all drove out to the Airport.  Kerry doesn't remember a lot of that.

Boners (brought to you by a trio of soups)
1. "Leave My Daughter Alone ":  After chastising "the media" to leave her family alone, Republican Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, paraded her daughter Bristol onto Fox News for an interview.  Bristol, who is a newly unwed mother at the age of 18, discussed her situation saying, "I wished it could have happened in like, 10 years so I could have a job and an education and be, like, prepared and have my own house and stuff."  Additionally, Ms. Palin contradicted her mother's position on sex-education saying that abstinence is, "not realistic at all."

2. "Hey Kids.  Look at These! ":  A West Valley mother has been charged with lewdness after repeatedly baring her breasts towards students whilst picking up her children from school.  The woman has been repeatedly warned about her behavior, including requests that she stay in her car when picking up her children.

3. "The Bright Blue Scrotum ":  A television reporter in Baltimore has lost his job after altering a video to make it appear as if John Gibson of Fox News compared Attorney General Eric Holder to a monkey with a "bright-blue scrotum."  The video was so effective as to convince the editors of The Huffington Post that the video was real.

The breast-baring mother is Boner of the Day.

Your List of Things That Must Go
Banning the streaming of X96 in the workplace.  Nothing but flannel and other "lumberjack" clothes in the "Big and Tall" section.  The neighbor spying through the bushes.    Waiters that don't know the correct name of common cheeses, like swiss; "Is that a white cheese or a yellow cheese?"  People who cut you off then flip you off.  "Girls" by The Beastie Boys.  People who yell requests at a concert.  The 120lb. girl who sounds as if she is dropping bowling balls in the upper apartment at 11pm.  "Team members."  "You haven't!?"  Conversations with Gina.  People who whistle and wave at employees for help as if they are some kind of dog.  People who don't respond to a greeting.  People who start up odd conversations to relieve the awkward silence on public transportation.  Dentists who don't understand that you can't talk with their tools in your mouth.  "Comcast is 'Comtastic'!"  "Our pan pizzas are 'Pan-normous'!"

Unforgettable Quote
"If I didn't put it in my mouth, it would have been all over my hands." -  Gina Barberi

Neglected News
Megan Fox and Sheila Boof had a hot and secretive lesbian affair.  Megan has a tattoo near her personal hair.  Jude likes sexy Sadie.  David Beekham doesn't suffer from erectile dysfunction!  His ovaries just fell out whilst he was dancing on the ceiling.  Sean Penn was with two Russian hookers, but he still didn't thank his wife for his Oscar.  Kate Winslet is married to Sam Menses, but won't pose for Playboy.

Gina's Sign-off
"If I didn't put it in my mouth, it would have been all over my hands." -  Gina Barberi

Episode #5117
Days until contract expiration: 407

Sign-off

• "Did you know that 'kayak' is 'kayak' spelled backwards?"

Lassie?
As the show began, Richie was no where to be found.  He wouldn't even answer his phone.  As Bill was considering a posse and search party, Richie text in to the interns.  He had slept in, for the first time in over a year.  He was up late last night writing a mediocre paper for school.

Kit Kat Knee
Gina has just given up.  She's wearing some kind of maternity tracksuit.  Why?  Well, first of all, she has "ugg" foot, which apparently spread to the rest of her body.  Second, she's going for a pedicure and needed pants she could pull up.  Bill thought it might be some kind of vitamin deficiency, or a bad case of "Kit Kat Knee."

Boners (brought to you by a delicious and well-mannered li'l steak)
1. "Wedgie!":  Witnessing a burglar breaking into the car of one of her employees, Yvonne Morris chased after the criminal, grabbed him by the waist-band of his boxers, got him in a headlock, and held him until police arrived.

2. "Cuddles are Better than Medicine":  A family doctor in the U.K. is facing removal by the General Medical Council.  The doctor is accused of pulling female patients onto his knee, wrapped his arms around them in a bear hug, and told them, "Something happens to a man when a woman sits on his knee."  Another patient was allegedly told by the doctor, "cuddles are better than medicine."

3. "Mean Buggers":  Senator Chris "Anti-Buggery" Buttars has apparently claimed that homosexuals are even more dangerous than radical Islamic terrorists.  In a new documentary, 8: The Mormon Proposition, Chris Buttars is quoted as saying of homosexuals:

• "It's just like the Muslims. Muslims are good people and their religion is anti-war. But it’s been taken over by the radical side."
• "Homosexuality will always be a sexual perversion. And you say that around here now and everybody goes nuts. But I don't care."
• "What is the morals of a gay person? You can't answer that because anything goes."
• "They're probably the greatest threat to America going down I know of."
• "They're mean. They want to talk about being nice. They're the meanest buggers I have ever seen."

Download the MP3 here:
http://www.abc4.com/media/news/5/e/4/5e45c748-e744-4b97-a6a7-50c19c384550/butters_on_gays.mp3

The story here:
http://tinyurl.com/abcxhq

Senator Chris Buttars is Boner of the Day

Celebirty Spotlight!!
Kristen Schaal, probably best known as "Mel" from Flight of the Conchords actually called into the show.  She doesn't have a preference on Bret or Jemaine, but both are better looking in person and have a great head of hair.  She was also featured in the pilot of Mad Men.  That John Hamm is much better looking in person.  Ms. Schaal has appeared multiple times on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  Mr. Stewart is much better looking in person.  By her own account, Ms. Schaal is also sweet and funny.

Things That Must Go
Gina

• Getting sick before getting out of town.
• Jason Chaffetz, the media whore.
• Silent dishwashers.
• The uninspirational quality of thingstobemiserableabout.com

Kerry

• Blaming The September 11th attacks on anything but radical religion.
• The Church of Scientology blaming The September 11th attacks  on psychiatry.
• Stupid fights in online forums.
• Grammar Nazis.
• Climbing buildings whilst dressed as Spiderman.  Try dressing as a cheeseburger.

Bill

• People bitching about the news story on the Obama's Valentine's Day meal.
• People who put their clothes in a locker without a lock at the gym.
• People who don't dry themselves at the shower.
• If Bill is using headphones at the gym, don't talk to him.
• Blowing your nose into anything but a tissue.  That includes t-shirts, your hands, shower drains, or swimming pools.
• Whatever you are clipping, whether that be hair, nose hair, finger nails, pubic hair, ear hair, back hair, loose threads on the jock strap, butt hair, cuticles, or toe nails, FOR GOD'S SAKE, DO IT OVER A GARBAGE CAN!!!!!!

Neglected News
Gina should come to the show.  She don't need to come prepared, she just needs to show up.  Bill has been yelling since before anyone heard of Lewis Black.  Lindsay likes boys again.  Naomi Watts is publicly nude.  Diamond Dave would be an excellent replacement for auto-erotic-asphyxiation fan, Michael Hutchence.  Keifer is back on the sauce, and 'sploded.

Episode #5108
Days until contract expiration: 421

Sign-off

• When your dad is mad and asks, "Do I look stupid?,"  don't answer.

Wooooooooooooo!   Woooooooooooo!
The latest tequila pairing was held last night.  Sammy Hagar..... The Red Rocker!?.... was not there.  There were, however, two big fans of his tequila.  They had t-shirts, and tattoos.  Gina and her sister spent the evening sending full plates of delicious food back to the kitchen.  Kerry did no such thing.  The osso bucco was fantastic.  Gina was just scared of the "marrow bone."  That's the best part!  Bill brought his friend, Jeff, since he wasn't eating or drinking.  Gina was impressed, "You brought a little friend!"  Yes, Auntie Gina, Bill has a friend.  Put on your shawl and stop shivering.

Boners (brought to you by, "The Red Rocker?")
1. "There's a Pigeon in My Pants and He Does a Funny Dance":  A man flying into Australia from Dubai was caught attempting to smuggle live pigeons into the country stored in padded envelopes and placed inside his pants.  Custom officials also found plant seeds and an undeclared eggplant in the man's possessions.

2. "This is the Way We Do it in Russia":  Passengers boarding a plane from Moscow to New York aboard Russian airline, Aeroflot, mutinied when they witnessed the captain of the flight slurring and stumbling over his words and appeared otherwise intoxicated.  Representatives of the airline boarded the plane and attempted to calm the passengers saying, "It's not such a big deal if the pilot is drunk."  The flight crew was eventually replaced.

3. "911!  911!  Hello?  911?  Could You Hold Please?"  Claiming that two men with guns were threatening him, Alejandro Melendez called 911.  He then hung up on the 911 operator.  When the operator called back, Mr. Melendez asked the operator to hold....as he sold drugs to someone on another phone.  The operator overheard and recorded the conversation, then alerted police.  Mr. Melendez was arrested and found in possession of cocaine.

The Russian airline and drunken flight crew are Boners of the Day.


Things That Must Go
bill

• "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little."
• "I know, huh?"
• "Who would've thunk it?"
• Names that people claim are pronounced different than spelled.

Gina

• Players during a sporting event who spit during the national anthem.
• The 3D stuff on TV.
• House of Pain's song, "Jump Around."  It's a great song, but it is highly over-used.
• John Madden and his flying phobia.

Kerry

• The rednecks to continue to bring up President Obama's swearing in goof.
• Big Bang Theory's terrible laugh track.  It can be a funny show, but the laugh track is intolerable.
• Steve Martin for digging up the corpse of Peter Sellers, raping the corpse, the putting the corpse back in the ground.
• Just because you are attending a party set around a sporting event, you can be there just for the fun, booze, and food.  You don't have to pick a team.  "Yeah Nachos!"
• Noticing that the soap needs to be replaced before showering again, then forgetting until you're in the shower and already wet.
• Door to door salesman.
• Door to door salesman who have no literature about the deal their discussing.

That Warm Feeling
Kerry actually has two heating systems in his home.  Upstairs is a standard furnace, but downstairs is a nice boiler system - or was nice until it went out.  Kerry called a boiler guy to look at it and he determined that it needed a new ignitor.  The boiler is 20 years old, so the repairman told Kerry to just find it online, then he would install it.  After some searching, Kerry managed to find it on a site from a place in New Jersey.  It was only $150, so he placed the order, and anxiously awaited the return of warmth.  A couple of days later, he received an e-mail indicating that they weren't sure he ordered the correct part, so they weren't going to send it.  Kerry called the company and told them, he didn't care, just send the part.  Did Kerry know that he couldn't return it?  YES!  Just take Kerry's damn money!!  Ok.  Fine.  They finally agreed to send the part.  A couple of days later, Kerry received another e-mail indicating that the part was out of stock.  Kerry went back on the website, that indicated the part was still in the warehouse, and reordered.  After another couple of days, he received another "we're not convinced this is the right part" e-mail.  Bill is fairly sure that Kerry stumbled upon a front organization for Tony and Sil. 

Neglected news
Brimney Spirts had a bug in her hair, which is why she shaved it off.  Remember what the door-mouse said, "Shave your head."  The Chity is watched by useless women from 13 to 34-years-old.  They love feathers.  Kendra is floating to Paris on her silly boobs.  She's staring in a new reality show called, Me and My Boobs.  Christian Bale and I are done, professionally.  Personally, Chris and I have never been closer.  Jamima Amadon is jerking everyone.  Scarlet Johannesburg went to her premier without her nippled husband.

Gina's Sign-off
"Pass me that Oreo bark."

Episode #5102
Days until contract expiration: 429

PONG!
Last night, Bill got hold of some extra balls.  Gina testified that Bill was a veritable "pinball wizard" at the Nicklemania.  Bill did have some fun on the pinball, but never managed to break the top ten high scores.  He also enjoyed killing zombies with Little Bill on House of the Dead.  Little Bill seemed to prefer killing evil clowns on Carnevil.  Festus really just wanted to play the ticket games, including Deal or No Deal.  Kerry, somewhat predictably, spent most of his time lighting up The Federation logo on the Star Trek pinball game.

Boners
1. "We're Not Charging For The Extra Days ":  An Australia rental car firm threatened to bill the parents of a customer for towing and replacement keys for a rental car after the customer was killed and buried in an avalanche along with the car keys.  The rental firm has since recanted it's claims.

2. "Metallica Rules Dude! "  Police officer Joseph Houston has been placed on paid leave after he was forcibly removed from a concert for urinating on another concert goer.  Upon being evicted from the concert, Officer Houston flashed his badge in an attempt to reenter.  He was refused.

3. "This Doll is a Tribute ":  A Florida doll company has pulled plans to create a doll as a "tribute" to the murdered toddler, Caylee Anthony. 

The Florida doll company is Boner of the Day.

Things That Must go
The racist text messages about the vote; "Obama's in the lead, give white people the day off so they can vote."  The inflatable Xmas animal menagerie.  Kids going to school when they are sick.  The chubby office women who do a potluck every week while announcing, "We love to party!"  The putz at the U of U football game who dresses as a pirate.  People using the handicap door button (except for Kerry who likes to pretend the turbolift is broken).  Any street named after the "Oak" tree.  The mall security guards in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.  Guys who ask you out for "the weekend" instead of a specific day.  Ugly tissue boxes.  "You hangin' in there?" "How you holdin' up?"  "Doin' ok?"  Guys at the gym who take up multiple benches. 

Things That Must Go (Stein-Eriksen Sundance Edition)
"Don't you know who I am!?"  "Aren't you Bill Allred?"  Checking in under an alias like, "Sir Pico de Gallo."  Unpacking and packing underwear (unless it's for Christie Brinkley).  "This is for Mariah "[huggin']" Carey!"

New Title
Bill "The Earl of All Media" Allred

Neglected News
Jamima Simpkins is still a butterball in the speed pit of life.  Apparently her DVD is locked in a safe by her messy daddy.  Britney's mansion is being haunted by the ghost of self-respect.  Russell Crowe seems to think that humpin' a different woman, three times a day, for a month equals 80 women.  Russell failed math.  Lindsay has to run around the shower with her girlfriend to get wet.

Episode #5098
Days until contract expiration: 435

Sign-off

• The secret to creativity is to hide your sources.

Boners (brought to you by another little steak)
1. "Eat My Brownie Will Ya!?":  In a fight over an eaten brownie, Stephanie Anne Rydesky grabbed her father's cane and smashed him in the mouth.  Later, Ms. Rydesky allegedly set the house on fire in an attempt to kill herself.

2. "OK.  OK.  Enough is Enough":  Philadelphia Eagle's quarterback, Donovan McNabb, laughed off a prank that left an Arizona Cardinal's flag in one of the trees of his off-season Arizona home.  Similarly he dismissed another prank that left a cardboard box in the driveway that read, "Go Cards!"  The final straw, however, did not go over so easily when Rex Michael Perkins and Ryan B. Hanlon burned "Go Cards!" into Mr. McNabb's lawn with diesel fuel.  Police followed an address label on the cardboard box to Mr. Perkins and Mr. Hanlon.

3. "Look, It's Not Our Fault the Plane Crashed":  After moving Rob and Jeff to US Airways flight 1549, which crash landed into The Hudson River, Spirit Airlines attempted to collect a $90 cancellation fee when Rob and Jeff called to cancel their return flight.  After a public backlash, Spirit Airlines recanted the $90 request.

Spirit Airlines is Boner of the Day.


Things That Must Go

Bill

• A public restroom with a plunger.
• Public toilets without an automatic flush.
• Public toilets with an automatic flush that flushes before the user is up and away from the water.
• Paper towels in a public restroom sitting in a basket.
• Public restrooms  without an automatic paper towel dispenser.
• Toilet seats men have to hold up in order to urinate.

Kerry

• Weatherperson jokes.  "Mr. Randolph, the forecast calls for not being able to find your hinges."
• The attendees off Sundance who wear nothing but black clothes.
• Taking a customer waiting in line at the checkout counter, over to the self-checkout, starting five or six items, then leaving the customer saying, "There ya go!"
• People bitching about the inauguration canceling TV shows.
• The deification of Obama.  He has a lot of messes to clean up.  Have realistic expectations.
• People who don't care for Obama complaining or jibing, "So?  Where's the change?"

Things That Must Go From The Great Pyramids of Giza

Gina

• The sand and dust.  It coats your nostrils, teeth, throat, and eyelids.
• The hundreds of people continuously offering camel rides.
• The lame tour of the Pyramid, which costs $100, but consists of one single empty room.
• The pay toilets at the Pyramids.  It costs an Egyptian pound to enter, and another two pounds for toilet paper - which is ripped off a larger roll and handed to the user.  Gina chose not to use anything.
• The late night laser show at The Pyramids.

Sundance Links
The Only Good Indian - Starring bad-ass Wes Studi. 

Dirt - A documentary on soil, dirt, pollution, and water filtered by dirt and compost.


Neglected News
Sheila Buff is not attractive.  She still has a brace on his left hand from his DUI accident.  Ms. Buff refused a sobriety test, which is ok, but he automatically loses his license.  Good thing she has a Camaro what drives itself and manages to make her attractive to women who can't act, but look pretty when they are sweaty and oily.  Ben Aflack is taking another step towards crazy.  He's leaving voo-doo and Santaria in order to audit his body thetans in Scientology.  Jamima Amadon won't marry little Mayor John unless his signs a pre-nup.

Gina's Sign-off
"It's driving me insane!"