Episode #5143
Days until contract expiration: 370

Opening Song
"Ape Shall Never Kill Ape" - The Vandals

Sign-offs

• "Treat me like an angel and I'll be your little devil."
• "Half the people you know are below average."

Gina.  You Got Some 'splainin' To Do!
Most F.O.Ps are familiar with Gina's many, many parking foibles.  Yesterday, Gina had to drive Joe's giant crew-cab, extended bed pick-up truck.  Joe, who is always concerned with his carbon footprint, uses the truck to haul trees from his his imaginary Xmas tree farm.  Being nervous, Gina usually parks it out on the street, but she couldn't leave right at 10:00am, and didn't want to feed the meter, so she tried her hand at parking it in the parking garage.  Bill pulled up and parked right next to her.  As Bill got out of the car, Gina was futzing about with the car, trying to figure out how to turn the lights off.  Bill noted that the back of the truck was sticking way outside of the parking stall.  Gina tried to back it up and pull it back in, but it was really as far in as it would go (Author's note:  Anything to add Michael Scott?).  Gina was still fiddling with the lights and horn and alarm when Bill decided that she was hopeless.

Gina.  You Don't Know How To Handle a Sausage.
Joe does most of the cooking around the house, but occasionally, to speed things up, he'll have Gina do some little tasks, before he arrives home.  Things like boiling water for pasta.  Last night, Joe was getting a haircut, so he was going to be a bit late.  He called Gina and told her she needed to start the sausages for dinner.  "It's easy!"  "Simple!"  She tells Gina to get the sausages out of the fridge, cut them up at a 45 degree angle, then put them in a pan with some grapes and put them in the oven.  Simple!  Gina did as she was asked.  When Joe arrived home, he checked his sausage.  It was cut, a single time, at a 45 degree angle, straight down the middle, lengthwise......  Gina!  You got some 'splainin' to do!  Gina's not dumb.  She's smart and beautiful.

Boners (brought to you by chicken pot pie)
1. "I Can Screw You Over!":  On their way to the hospital to his dying mother in law, NFL player Ryan Moats carefully ran a red light, as time was a factor.  He was accosted by a police officer Robert Powell in the parking lot of the hospital.   Mr. Moats tried to explain the situation, but the officer did not care.  He informed Mr. Moats that, "I can screw you over!" and even pulled his gun at one point during the altercation.  Mr. Moats wife exited the car and ran into the hospital as Officer Powell yelled for her to get back in the car.

2. "Pee Money":  Irritated by a $200 parking ticket, a Washington man sent a Portland, Oregon billing office a box full of coins and urine.

3. "Your Child's School Attendance Record is Unacceptable":  A British family in Manchester received a letter from their daughter's school indicating that she needed to improve her attendance or she would be banned from the end of the year prom.  Unfortunately the family's daughter had died several months previous.

Officer Robert Powell is Boner of the Day.

Margaret Ruth
Your husband of 10 years is probably not going to change his anti-social behavior.  Gina thinks you might want to end your marriage.  If you don't believe in the same religion as your wife, and can't pretend, things will slowly unravel.  Gina things you might want to end your marriage.  Don't worry, you'll be re-married within the next 4 to 10 years, whichever comes first.

New Names for Richie's Stud Stable
Dick's Hang Out.  The Flamer Farm.  The Alternative Lifestyle Landing.  Dr. Pinky's Poodle Palace.  Rump Ranger Retreat.  Fruit Flat.  The Pansy Penthouse.  The Flamin' Fortress.  The Rumpa Room.  Butt Barn.  Backdoor Bunker.  The Hot Dog Stand.  The Gays Inn.  Meat Mansion.  Virgin Villa.  Fairy Fortress.  The Gay Ghetto.  Richie's Rainbow Rubdown Room.  Homo Hut.  Homo Hacienda.  The Gay Grotto.  The Fairy Facility.  The Homo Homestead.  The Light in the Loafers Lounge.  Onan's Acres.  The Feather Boa Farm.  Assclown Acres.  The Big Bi Bungalo.  The Back-Stage.  Corncob Corners.  The Man-on-Man Manor (That's a mouthful).  Sausage Street.  The Pickle Patch.  Fortress of Doucheitude.  Candyland.  The Gay Bro Hood.  Castle of Celibacy.  Chateau de Richie.  Homestead Musical. Showtune Towers.  Gaysta's Paradise.  Sodom and Gomorrah.  Moneyshot Mansion.  Sodomy Square.  Sodomy Galorah.  The Stabbin' Cabin.  Brokeback Bungalo.  Cap'n Stabbin's Love Boat.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose the puppy beater as Boner of the Day.

Gina's Sign-off
"I'm worried about ya, Bill."

Episode #5136
Days until contract expiration: 379

Sign-offs

• "No one is a virgin.  The world screws us all."
• "If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out."

Karaoke Chat
"Crom will destroy America to save it from American [Karaoke]."

Boners (brought to you by Unka Todd's excellent corned beef and Gina's ruined corned beef)
1. "I Got My Deer!"  A West Valley man has been jailed on domestic violence charges after beating his girlfriend with a set of deer antlers.

2. "The Answer is Blowing in the Wind":  The portable lavatory that Bob Dylan has placed on his palatial estate is "raising a stink."  Neighbors are complaining that the noxious raw sewage stench is causing severe discomfort and may be causing illness.

3. "The Senator and The Songwriter Does Neither Very Well":  Senator Orrin Hatch is seeking to pass a bill that seemingly punishes radio stations for promoting a performers material.  The bill will seek to add additional fees each time a radio station plays a song.  Stations already pay significant royalties to song-writers each time their songs are aired.

Our esteemed senator, Orrin Hatch, is Boner of the Day

I Didn't Ruin the Dinner
Gina ruined Joe's corned beef and cabbage.  It was just as well.  Gina doesn't understand boiled meat.  Meat should only and always bee cooked outside over an open flame.  She followed the simple recipe and boiled the meat with the onions, celery, and spices for two hours.  She then took Bill's advice and placed the beef under the broiler for ten minutes.  It turned all leathery.  Bill reminded Gina that she was using Joe's recipe and should have done it Joe's way.  All was not lost.  The green cake that Gina purchased from a French bakery turned out just fine. 

Things That Must Go
Gina

• People in the customer service industry that can't fake a good attitude.
• People that don't acknowledge you when you hold the door for them.
• The onion smell on Gina's hands.

Bill

• Comedians on news programs.
• "...with all the trimmings."
• Baby pictures as your Facebook profile photo.  Is that you as a baby?  Your baby?  A random baby?
• A picture with two people as your Facebook profile photo.  Which is you?
• The corrective honk.  Bill knows he did something mildly illegal.  Leave him alone.

Kerry

• If you're parking a motorcycle in a busy parking log, park towards the back of the stall so it is easily visible.
• On "Take Your Kid to Work Day", only do so if you have an exciting job.
• Only John Lennon is allowed to sing "Imagine."
• "Twits" on Twitter.  A "Tweet" is something funny or clever.  A "Twit" is another "doing my nails now" or "getting ready to go jogging" or some other pointless and boring announcement.

Gina's Sign-off
"I swallowed a shell."