Admittedly, it's not great work, but I didn't think it was too bad for five-minutes of effort.

Episode #5218
Days until contract expiration: 254
Day 16 of Gina's Morning Meander

Opening Song

"Still Wasted (From The Party Last Night)" - Liam Lynch

Sign-off

• "There are only two four-letter words that offend men, "Don't" and "Stop", unless they are used together."

You Treat Your Food Like a Scab
Last night was Radio From Hell's latest tequila pairing.  Bill though that the food was the best they had ever had at a tequila pairing.  Gina actually tried to eat the food this time, instead of just having a plate of bland fried chicken.  The experiment did not go well.  Kerry had to goad her into trying the crab taco.  She finally took a single bite, then placed it right back down on her plate.  Next?  The gazpacho.  Gina actually ate it!  Of course, she didn't eat the best part of the gazpacho - the delicious pile of ceviche piled in the center.  The main course was a magnificent beef tenderloin, grilled to rare perfection.  Nope.  Gina wouldn't eat that at all.  She piled it into a foam container and took it hope to Joe.  As a result, she was really hungry this morning and enjoyed her luke-warm bowl of watery gruel.

Mmmm.....Brisk!
The inventor of Bill's utilikilt was coming into the studio today, so he decided to wear the aforementioned article of clothing to work.  As he went out to get on his bike, he suddenly realized that underpants might be a good idea.  Normally, Bill doesn't wear anything under his utilikilt.  It's negates the positive air-conditioning effects of wearing a kilt.  As such, Bill decided to remove his underpants right there in the studio - RIGHT IN FRONT OF GINA!  Gina wondered if Bill wanted her to see his.....parts.  Bill claims that he doesn't really want anyone to see him naked.  According to Kerry, that's a damned lie; Bill has always tried to get Kerry to see him naked.  Especially that time in the hotel when the elevator doors opened right in front of Kerry and a naked Bill asked, "Going up!?"

Boners (brought to you by tequila)
1. "Biking in the Nude" or "Naked on a Bicycle" or "Naked Biking":  A man in Minneapolis cited for indecent exposure claimed that he was simply training for a bicycle race in which the participants would have to ride whilst unclothed.  The man was wearing an article of clothing with the crotch strategically removed.

2. "Wear a Condom":  A mother in poland is claiming that her 13-year-old daughter was not impregnated by standard methods, but was instead attacked by stray sperm in the pool of an Egyptian hotel.  The mother is adamant that her daughter, "did not meet any boys," whilst at the hotel.

3. "Waaah, Waaah, Waaah":  Gummy actress and famous Mormon Katherine Heigel is complaining about a 17-hour shooting day for Grey's anatomy in hopes that embarrasses the TV Series directors and producers.

The polish mother in denial is Boner of the Day.

Unforgettable Quote
"I wanna stick I can put my hand on." - Gina Barberi

Gina's Morning Meander
On the way to the beginning of Gina's Morning Meander, Gina got to drive Chickenscratch Intern's truck, which has a manual transmission.  She even managed to stop it on a hill and take off again.  See!  She can do it!

A Dream Fulfilled
Richie fulfilled one of Bill's life-long dreams; he found a dead body.  Richie had just been for some delicous Costa Rican food and was headed to "Margie's" - a famous mom and pop ice-cream shop.  He saw the gentleman, whom he initially good for a homeless person sleeping in the street.  Hel looked, however, a trifle unwell.  Richie commented to his friend Steve that he thought something was wrong.  The man was laying face-down on the asphalt like Marty McFly from Back to the Future.  Richie went over and nudged the man with his foot.  He didn't move.  Someone called an ambulance and they came and collected the corpse.  They really didn't ask many questions and simply took the body away.

Your List of Things That Must Go
Parents who bring children to inappropriate things; newborns at Jazz games, rated-R movies, The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  People with lousy $2,000 cars that advertise, "If you didn't make $15,000 last month, Call me!"  The office jerk.  Sand volleyball courts that eat wedding rings.  Flogging Molly joining The Warped Tour after it passes your home town.  People who use FaceBook to spout their political or religious rhetoric.  Complaining that your kid would never buy a ring tone, when your bill says otherwise.  People who just throw money on the counter.  People who mispronounce "generic" or "perscription."  The repetative store soundtrack.  People who think that women who work on their own car and like sports are lesbians.  Shells that are too long for the truck bed.  "What happens in Vegas..."  People who take food or drinks into the restroom after the movie.  People who have spit stringing between their upper and lower lip whilst talking.  Websites that don't put the cursor where it should be.  Spelling "double" as "dubble."  The wind.  Hip-hop artists that steal 80's music.  "Kayden."  Men who beg for naked cell phone pics - even if their going to Iraq.

Episode #5207
Days until contract expiration: 268
Day 5 of Gina's Morning Meander

Opening Song
"I Want to be a Polygamist" - The Utah County Swillers

Sign-offs

• "I can't brain today.  I have the dumb."
• "Men are from Earth.  Women are from Earth.  Deal with it."

Boners (brought to you by Chinese food)
1. "Little Nip in the Kiddie Pool":  At a Maplewood, NJ public pool, a lifeguard scolded a young mother over a loud speaker after she was breast feeding her baby whilst sitting in a wading pool.

2. "It Was Sweet Home Alabama....AGAIN!":  One officer has been arrested and two others have resigned after they shot the proprietor of a waffle house with a stun gun.  The three claimed to be joking around when the victim played a song on the juke-box that they didn't like. 

3. "You Can't Catch Me Cripple!":  A man asking for gas money from a man in a wheelchair took the two dollars the man offered, then snatched his wallet, removed the contents, and ran off.

The wallet thief is Boner of the Day.

Take Me Out To The Ball Game
Yesterday, Richie was injured at clown college.  They were trying to invent different ways to carry a person across the floor.  Richie threw his passenger up over his shoulder like a sack o' potatoes and strained the middle of his back.  To make himself feel better, he went to see a Cubs game and listened to Eric Estrada butcher "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

Gina is Fat
Gina was watching an episode of Orpha Winkey in which she discussed her fluctuating weight.  Ms. Winkey then asked herself, "Why?"  Bill suggested it was because she couldn't decide weather to marry Steadman or gayle.  Ms. Winkey, on the other hand, believes that people are fat because they are "hungry for something."  Love, money, power.  Something.  Orpha?  She's hungry for balance.  Gina believes all of that is bullsock.  Gina is hungry for French Fries.  She's "addicted" to them.  She eats them almost every day.  People are hungry because they eat too much.  Bill disagrees.  Though that's a perfectly good reason to be fat, some people do eat because the are depressed, or genetically disposed to overeat, or genetically disposed to gain weight.  Gina' ain't buying it.  They are lying to themselves.  Gina is America and Gina is fat because she loves French Fries, hates healthy foods, and feels like crap when she goes to the gym.

Gina's Sign-off
"I love French Fries, Jack."

http://www.mdolla.com/2008/09/luxurious-motohome.html



(Author's note: This is a joke.)

Episode #4984

Opening Song
"It's Good to be a Geek" - Deaf Pedestrians

Oh, look.  A Pony
Gina has been tired all week.  Specifically, after the Saturday's Voyeur event on Wednesday.  Hearing her plight, one entrepreneur sent Gina a box of "phytoplankton", which they claimed would help.  Like everything that Gina puts in her body, she showed it to Joe and asked if she should take it.  Joe told her that it wouldn't do anything.  Later, however, when Gina had a question about something else she should put in her body, she just put it in her hand, shook it a little, showed it to Joe and asked what he thought.  "You bet!"

After Saturday's Voyeur, the problem really was that Joe and Gina went home and the kids were still awake.  Gina was surprised that the babysitter hadn't put them to bed.  She was really hoping to return to a quiet home.  Kerry suggested that she try "Robo" next time she and Joe go out.

Oh, and then there's the disaster preparedness panel that Gina has to do for Daddy Gary.  The Sainted Mary Claire is attending in order to make sure that Gina looks presentable.  She doesn't care what Gina has to say, only that she's wearing lipstick when she does it.

Gina really just needs a self-vacation.  In fact, she'd put up with four-hours of sleeping in.  She doesn't ask Joe for the four hours.  Why can't he just tell that she's exhausted like Bill can?  Maybe Joe is tried from all of those late evenings out with his food mistress.  Gina's really looking forward to The Dark Knight  screening tonight.  She doesn't care if it's good or bad.  Bill suspects that she'll probably just fall asleep in the theater.

Notes
Returning from the bookstore yesterday, Bill noticed a piece of notepaper under his windshield.  The note indicated that a car had backed into his and gave the license number.  Bill couldn't see any damage, but he'll probably check again today.  Gina left a note once.  She backed into a car in her neighborhood and left a note with her information.  She never got a call though.  She sees the car all the time and feels guilty about it.  Bill wonders why she doesn't leave another note in case she didn't get it.  She could, but she won't.

Kerry is always tempted to leave a passive-aggressive note on the cars of people he finds to be inconsiderate, but never does.  He really wants to leave a note on the sports car that parks in the handi-capped parking stall at the grocery store.  Bill suggested

        Please don't park in the handi-capped stalls.

        Sincerely,
        "The Gimp"

One of a Kind.  An Original.  He will be Missed.
Kerry's beloved back-yard friend and entertainer, Skillet the Squirrel, is dead.  Kerry was the first to spy Skillets torn and flattened corpse (complete with an exploded skull).

Kerry derived much joy from Skillet.  Kerry even went so far as to buy walnuts to leave for Skillet in the crook of a backyard tree.  Unfortunately, Skillet was not loved by all.  The four-legged Artie and Kerry's wife, Sue, had frequent arguments with the tiny tree-dwelling mammal.  The intelligence of Skillet's species led he and others to be mistrusted and feared.  Sue would often fret of Skillet's potential ability to sneak in the dog door and throttle Artie in his sleep.

Skillet will be honored by Mr. Jackson in a moonlight ceremony near the place where he met his end.  Small wooden crosses, fake flowers, and mylar balloons are welcome.



Boners (brought to you by half-a-hamburger)
1. "You Want Cheaper Gas?  Get Rid of Nancy Pelosi":  Republican candidate for Utah's third congressional district, Jason Chaffetz, recently made a trip to the Artic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska to investigate the possibility of drilling in the pristine refuge.  Mr. Chaffetz feels that the
Democrats are the problem for high energy prices.  After all, prices have doubled since Rep. Pelosi took over as Speaker of the House.

2. "The Mayor Stole our Dog": A Texas mayor has resigned after secretly keeping her neighbors' dog while telling the neighbor that the dog had died.

3. "Hey Gramps!  Wanna Party?":  Charges of soliciting prostitution have been dropped against a 94-year-old Florida man with mild dementia.  Frank Milio had apparently gotten lost and entered a parking lot and honked his horn.  An undercover police woman approached the car.  After a lenghty conversation, Mr. Milio apparently agreed to pay $30 for oral sex but told the woman that he didn't have any money and would have to leave to get some and come back.  The judge in the case determined that the officer had led the conversation and that Mr. Milio was confused and entrapped.

The police arrested the old-man are Boners of the Day.

Neglected News
Angelina uses a double for posterior shots.  Brad doesn't mind cottage cheese, even when eating it off the thighs of Angelina.  Brill's short and curlies have gone grey.  Dawson's was the most famous of the creek shows; not like Single Yucca Standing on a Verticle Precipice.  David Duchovny is hair-comb impaired.  Cameron Diaz has broken Ashlee Sinkins' nose four times.  Huey Lewis and the News' early work was a little too new wave, but when Sports came out in '83, they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humour.  In '87, Huey released Fore, their most accomplished album. Their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Best Utahn" chose today's Boner as Boner of the Week.

Episode #4980

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

Why Bother?
Bill isn't sure why he bothered to come back from vacation.  This morning has already been riddled with problems.  First of all, the building is in the same state of mess and disrepair as it always is.  Second, Bill's computer was off all week and hadn't received any of it's security updates - so it's doing all of them this morning.  Third, and most infuriating, the promotion for X96's premier of The Dark Knight mentions everything about the even except, of course, the date and time. 

Con te partirò
Richie is currently in Chicago taking an acting class.  In addition to this obvious attempt to leave the Radio From Hell show, Richie's girlfriend, Booster, was recently accepted into graduate school back east.  Though he hasn't said so, Richie will probably be going with Booster.  Time to start looking for a new producer.

Boners
1. "There's a Rat in the Kitchen [Restaurant], Whatcha Gonna Do?":  A Wisconsin woman was charged with extortion after a police investigation suggested that she brought a rat into a restaurant, claimed it was served with her meal, and offered to keep quiet for $500,000. 

2. "Fox News: Fair and Balanced.  You Decide":  The Fox News morning show, Fox and Friends, recently altered the photographs of two New York Times staff members and displayed the images on the air.  The images were digitally manipulated to make the subjects look "ghoulish."  The two staff members had recently dared question Fox News' ratings.  Declining to respond to the blatant attack, New York Times culture editor Sam Sifton said, "It is fighting with a pig, everyone gets dirty and the pig likes it".

3. "Hey Copper!  Have a Cookie!":  Eighteen-year-old Christian Phillips claimed he was doing community service for M.A.D.D (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) when he delivered cookies to several local police stations.  The cookies, however, were laced with drugs.  Officers at one police station thought he smelled marijuana on the cookies, performed preliminary field tests, and found LSD instead.  Mr Phillips was arrested. 

The cookie-making druggie is Boner of the Day.

Lenny Bruce is Not Afraid
Gina is looking forward to the concealed weapons class.  She has an irrational fear of firearms and wants to overcome it.  Joe has scared Gina with all of his "end of the world" and "collapse of civilization" magazines and articles.  She may need to handle a gun someday.  Kerry suggests that she simply learn how to effectively put a bullet in her own head; there is no way she is eating any of the survival food or using the compostable toilet.

Bill Frost
Saving Grace blows.  The Closer has Mrs. Bacon walking around in her panties whilst snacking.  The Cleaner depicts Benjamin Bratt as an addict helping others shave off their drug-stubble.  Project Runway is the only reality TV show that is actually productive.  Two minute webisodes of The Office are on NBC's website.  Reality Bites Back is Michael Ian Black doing a moderately funny parody of reality TV.  For your grandmother, Monk is back.  Looking for more racists and swearing?  Try Generation Kill.  It's akin to The Wire, but set in Iraq.   Some obese and semi-famous former member of a boy band is hosting a competition for something to do with a musical calamity set within the secondary education system.

Gina's Ass Muscle
Gina's ass is in pain.  The reason?  Joe.  For her anniversary in February, Joe gave her a bicycle.  It's not been ridden until yesterday.  Joe proclaimed that they were all going on a family bike-ride.  They put the bikes on the Land Rover and increased their carbon ass-print by driving to Park City.  Bill wondered why they just hadn't driven to The Jordan River Parkway, but then remembered that the Parkway is frequented by poor people on their way to The Gateway Water Feature.  When they arrived at their bike-riding destination, Gina tried to get on her bike - but the seat was too tall!  Joe had to patiently inform Gina that she can't sit on the seat and start riding.

After a leisurely four-mile ride, Gina's ass was sore.  Bill postulated that it might have been the fact that the bicycle seat spent most of the four-miles on the inside of Gina's body. 

Gina's Sign-off
"You plug your Prius into the windmill farm."

Episode #4970

Opening Song (not about Gina)
"Still Wasted From The Party Last Night" - Liam Lynch

Without Gina
Gina doesn't want to hear about how much fun Kerry and Bill had at the wine pairing. She doesn't want to hear how they're so tired from being out last night. Gina was home the whole night, tending the children. Joe managed to escape and "entertain clients" all night. The kids were screaming and drank all of the milk so Gina had to eat barely-wet Golden Grahams for dinner.

Kerry and Bill, on the other hand, had a great evening. Lots of food, lots of drink, lots of conversation about drink, and lots of conversation about food. The duck was Bill's favorite of the evening. In fact, he even offered to eat the duck of the people at the next table. Fortunately, one of them didn't care for duck and Bill received an extra helping.

Gina "Slow Food" Barberi
Gina's husband, Joe "Babe" Jones, is a hippie. He likes organic foods, animal vegetable miracles, slow food, and urban chickens. Knowing this, Gina tried to get Joe a nice gift. She signed up with a service that, essentially, allows Gina to buy a share in a local farm. Then, each week, the farm puts together a box of fresh produce that Gina can pick up and take home. Yesterday was the first day to pick up some fresh produce. Gina's sister, Kerry, called Gina and gave her the address of the pick-up spot. It was a person's home and the boxes were just under the carport. As Gina was driving through the neighborhood, she became more and more nervous. Bill supposed that The Poor must have been nearby. Finally, Gina found the house, found a box, and put it in her car. When she got home, she was all excited to see all of the yummy fresh produce. She opened up the box and was immediately disgusted; it looked like nothing but weeds! When Joe arrived home, he opened it and was quite happy. It was a lot of greens and radishes and other early vegetables. Gina wanted to open it and see some beautiful red tomatoes! Squash! Corn! Humph! Nothing but weeds.

Next week, Joe is going on the Tour de Coupe; a tour of Urban Chicken operations.

Boners (brought to you by Gina)
1. "I Had to Get to the Parole Office": An Arkansas man was arrested after he allegedly stole a car in order to drive to a hearing at the parole office. Marcus George was released on parole last week after serving time for burglary. The prosecutor claims that Mr. George and a friend visited a local dealership for a test drive and never returned. George was arrested as he arrived at the parole office in the stolen vehicle.

2. "What a Wanker": After missing several court dates, a warrant was issued for the arrest of John Williams. When initially arrested, police found no weapons or illegal substances on Mr. Williams. When he was checked into prison, however, officers there discovered a 9mm package of marijuana strapped to his penis.

3. "Stick a Pin In It": At the always racially friendly Republican Party of Texas state convention, one booth sold pins which read, "If Obama is President, will we still call it The White House?" They sold another which read, "Press 1 for English. Press 2 for Deportation."

The vendor in Texas is Boner of the Day.

Radio News, Without Gina
"Bill Allred of KXRK recently tried acupuncture and said it worked so well he will be going back for more treatments." - Lynn Arave

Margaret Ruth and Gina
Let your husband play W.o.W for God's sake. If your marriage still sucks, however, have a baby. That will make everything better, but use a condom. Go to therapy and study the art of conversation. Ex-husbands that don't pay child support, kick your door down, and attack your boyfriend are douchebags. So, you get a lot of girls but can't find your "eternal companion." Boo hoo. You'll be married within the next ten years.

Pool Time with Gina
Yesterday, Gina had to wear a swimsuit for the first time since she gave birth to Li'l Mohamed. Li'l Mohamed is so white that Gina was worried about having him in the sun, so she bought him a suit with long sleeves, long pants, and a turtleneck. Gina wore a swimsuit with boy-shorts, a long tank-top, a cover-up she didn't remove, and a hat.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose today's Boner as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"What?"

Episode #4957

All About Gina
There was a tripod in the studio today.  Gina didn't know how she felt about that.  Gina once dated a tripod for about a year.  Put a coat on it, brought it along and introduced the tripod as , "my boyfriend."  Finally The Sainted Mary Claire complained about the tripod's complexion.

Gina went to take a shower.  She went all the way to her bathroom before she realized that there were no clean towels in the bathroom.  The linen closet is in Jonesie's room, and if Gina was to go on in there, she'd wake up the po' chil'.  Bill and Kerry wondered why she didn't put a clean towel in the bathroom as she was putting away the laundry.  Well, you see, the problem is that Gina doesn't put away the laundry.  Joe doesn't either.  Nor the nanny.  It's the help; a woman named "Dorita."  She's a small woman who rides the bus and smells of tuna.  Dorita is married to Dorito.  After another good beating with the umbrella, hopefully Dorita will remember to lay out Madam's towel.

After the shower fiasco, Gina dragged her still dirty ass into her Acura and drove to the studio.  For breakfast, Gina had a Red Bull and a bowl of gruel.  Kerry wishes that he could live Gina Barberi's, "Red Bull wishes and instant oatmeal dreams. "


Boners (brought to you by roast chicken)
1. "Incest is Funny":  During a speech, Still-Vice President, Richard "Dick" Cheney, joked that he had "Cheney's on both sides of the family — and we don’t even live in West Virginia."  Mr. Cheney also commented on the fact that he could make such a remark as he was not running for re-election.  Cheney later apologized.

2. "911?  I Am So Dumb":  An Orem woman called police when she realized that she was trapped in her car.  The car battery had died and the woman was unaware of the manual door locks that can be operated from the inside of the vehicle regardless of battery power.  Police arrived on the scene, but were unable to communicate the operation through the glass window.  Finally they called the woman's cell phone and were able to talk her out of the situation.

3. "You Are Such A Good Kisser":  A 17-year-old female was pulled over after police noticed her swerving erratically.  When officers asked if she had been drinking, the driver indicated that she can been making out with a drunk boy, but that she hadn't been drinking.  Police discovered several empty beer bottles in the car and and empty beer can int he driver's purse.

The woman who locked herself in her own car is Boner of the Day.

The Huggin' Cats         A short poem by Dr. Seuss "The Catses are asses", Bill came to say. "They pee on the stairs. They coitus in pairs!" "'Coons through the cat door, making messes galore!" "Rush is a bastard, G. Gordon, a whore!" "Their big ass-cat friends, Come and eat all my food!" "If they do it again, I'll serve them up stewed!"

All About Gina Pt. 2
Gina teased herself with an apple.  She's been so good lately.  She'd drinking water, only allowing herself one latte per week, eating lean cuisine for lunch, and standing throughout the show.  She even provided herself with a healthy snack; an apple.  Just as she was about to bite into the crisp, refreshing flesh - she realized she still had her fake tooth in the front and it would likely be ripped out by a fruit as tough as an apple.  Bill wondered if Gina had ever heard of a knife.

Jonesie and Joe were outside engaged in a riotous game of Habib Says (the Egyptian version of Simon Says).  Suddenly, the incontinent chihuahua came outside to join them.  Jonesie turned to Precious and commanded, "Simon says, 'Stop!'"  Precious stopped.  Jonesie then commanded, "Simon says, 'Pee!'"  Precious produced urine.  Jonesie was so pleased, "It works!"

Joe brought home a whole case of dog food for Precious.  He's optimistic.

Jonesie informed Gina that she had named her belly button.  When questioned as to the name she had bestowed, Jonesie pronounced, "Barbie Magic Princess!"  She then walked around the house, exposing her navel and announcing, "Barbie Magic Princess!"  Bill encouraged Gina to remember this moment when there is a line of boys outside of the house waiting for Jonesie.

Gina is dirty and itchy. 

Gina's Sign-off
"Dirt Don't Hurt."

Episode #4938

Our Son Kyle
Kyle has been with Radio From Hell since March of 1990.  That was when his mother related the story of her infamous evening with Kerry and, separately, Bill. 

Kyle is sick of David Blaine.  Blaine keeps breaking the records that Kyle has previously set.  Kyle is tired of it.  He's come up with the ultimate stunt; Kyle will spend a week inside a refrigerator.  Kyle will be in the fridge with just his food, water, warm boots, camp stove, cake, 8mm camera, and his Nintendo Wii.  Just the basics.  Gina was curious as to how all of that material would fit in Kyle's fridge.  First of all, it's not Kyle's fridge.  It's Kerry's downstairs fridge for the drink mixers.  Second, his supplies won't be in the fridge with Kyle.  Only Kyle will be in the fridge.  Everything else will be outside of the fridge within arms reach.  See Ya!

Boners (brought to you by spaghetti)
1. "Shut It Copper!":  After flipping an obscene gesture at a police officer, Frank Patti popped-a-wheelie on his motorcycle, and then crashed his motorcycle after a short chase.  Mr. Patti was arrested and charged with several traffic violations.

2. “When You Play Video Games, You Get Focused On That”: The parents of two toddlers were charged with neglecting their children whilst they played video games.  Witnesses reported seeing two toddlers wandering around a motel with no sign of their parents.  Police were called and searched a nearby room.  Police found scattered piles of trash and vomit.  When the parents returned to the room, they reported that they had gone to a club then to a friend's house to play video games.

3. "What's That What Fell From Your Underwear":  After being arrested for urinating in public and for possession of a small amount of marijuana, Martin Fox became very agitated during the booking process.  Mr. Fox tore off his clothing and threw a boot at an officer.  During the ensuing scuffle, another bag of pot dropped from out of his underwear.

The video-gaming parents are Boners of the Day.

The New York Gina
After arriving at the Salt Lake Airport and getting through security, Kerry and Sue thought they would get something to eat at the Squatter's.  Bill couldn't figure out why they wouldn't have gone to Dick Clark's Rock n' Roll Cafe.  Either way, it didn't matter.  Everything was closed.  They asked an airport employee driving by in one of the beeping carts if there was anything open.  He directed them to a sandwich shop back outside of the secure area.....Ok.  Kerry and Sue had plenty of time, so they headed to the sandwich shop.  Ahead of them in line was an obviously New York woman with her two ill-mannered brats.  They brats were running around yelling and talking and wanting and needing, but the mother couldn't possibly deal with that and the ordeal of ordering a sandwich.  "I want turkey.  No lettuce.  No tomatoes.  No onions.  No peppers.  No..... No....."  The woman then wanted a sample of the "Orange Bang" as she had never had before and wasn't sure she would like it.  When she was told that her total came to $36, she was incredulous.  She couldn't figure out how it could possible be that much.  Finally, after making some decision about the chips, she left.  The two employees behind the counter looked about ready to lose it.  Kerry and Sue tried to be as uncomplicated as possible and gave the two a healthy tip.

The sandwiches were well enjoyed, and they made it back to their gate with plenty of time.  Of course, right by their gate, was an open Quizno's restaurant.....The airport employee who had directed them elsewhere even had the nerve to drive by and ask if Kerry and Sue managed to find something to eat.

The 'Betes
In the Bahamas, Kerry and Sue left the safety of the resort to see some of the town.  They stopped in a little store to buy some liquor.  They asked what the locals enjoyed drinking and were directed to "Old Nassau Rum."  They didn't have any "real" rum - just the flavored rum.  After several generous samples, they settled on the Mango flavored rum.  It was unbelievably sweet, but Kerry figured they could cut it with some diet soda or tonic water.  Something.  Regardless, the rum left Kerry sticking tissues into his ears, but that's another story for another time.

Girl's Night Out
The Sainted Mary Claire's birthday in March was interrupted by a death in the family.  As a result, Mary Claire and her daughters were not able to go to a movie and a night in a hotel.  Instead of a movie, they changed to a concert at The Depot.  So they rode Trax down to The Gateway and had dinner at the adjoining restaurant.  That's the way to do it.  As they had dinner there, they also received VIP entrance to the concert.  The Sainted Mary Claire wondered if the concert had tables, or chairs, or what.  The Depot has some tables, but also suites.  Mary Claire told Gina to go pick up the tickets, tell them who she was, and get them a suite.  Gina went to pick up the tickets and the cashier was Phil Jacobson, from The City Weekly.  Gina asked about a suite and was promptly informed that Gina's special price would be the same as anyone else; $45 per ticket.  Instead, they went and sat at a big table behind the bar.  As people filtered in, the view got worse and worse.  One gentleman, in particular, was blocking Gina's sisters view.  Mary Claire informed the gentleman that he'd better be careful or he'd hear about himself on the radio!  Gina was aghast, but fortunately he was an F.O.P who was happy to chat with Mary Claire.  Mary Claire informed Gina that, see, she was right; Gina should always wear lipstick for unscheduled photographs with the F.O.Ps.

Later, back at the hotel, Momma Debbie, who is Daddy Gary's first and second wife, wanted to perform a ceremony from book about the Illuminati in honor of Mary Claire's milestone birthday.  The room was filled with candles, and they had to move the beds out of the way so they could all sit (naked?) in a circle on the floor.  Mary Claire complained about having to sit (naked?) where the bed had been - it never gets vacuumed!  Everyone was supposed to bring a (naked?) story about how wonderful The Sainted Mary Claire had been in the past.  Mary Claire then had to get up and tell everyone some things about herself that others might night know.  When she got to the part where she likes to sleep (naked?) naked, Gina's sister, Kerry, looked absolutely appalled!  Mary Claire had to quickly explain that she didn't do it any more, or that often! 

After the ceremony they all joined the Colonel at his secret country mansion, in Colorado, known as "The Meadows."

Neglected News
Scarlet Johannesburg has never been plucked.  She also has never made an best selling alblum, and isn't starting now.  Ms. Kentucky enjoys simulating.  Keith Richards hates David Bowie.

Gina's Sign Off
"How did they get up there?"

Episode #4918

Sign-offs

• "In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world."

• "Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never win are idiots." - Larry Kersten

Do You See The Colors Yet?
Kerry can't sleep normally. As such, his physician decided to give him a prescription for Lunesta. Gina helpfully quipped that Lunesta has the butterfly. Thank you Gina. You're smart and beautiful. Kerry's doctor can write a prescription for 30 pills, but Kerry's insurance will only allow 15 - which means that Kerry isn't sleeping. Thank God for giving this country the best health care system that has ever existed!

Boners (brought to you by chicken piccata)
1. "When Elderly Canadian Women Are Allowed To Cross The Border Freely, The Terrorists Win": A 96-year-old man had to return to Provo without his 73-year-old newlywed Canadian bride after U.S. border officials refused to allow her entry into the country. Apparently the woman hadn't filled out proper paperwork and was detained at the border.

2. "He Took My Money, Said, 'Da-la-da-da-da,' And I Didn't Get My Little Blues": A Utah County man intended to buy 27 Oxycontin pills for $1,300 from a dealer in a Springville Wal-Mart parking lot. The man handed over the money, and the dealer indicated that he had to get the drugs from an associate inside the store. When the man vanished with his money and the drugs, the deal-maker phoned police to complain about the theft. He was promptly arrested.

3. "Honey? Blow Into This For Mommy": A woman will be jailed for up to eight-years after her seventh drunk driving offense. The latest charges stemmed from an incident in which she was driving drunk with three children in her pick-up truck. The vehicle had been equipped with a breathalyser ignition lock to prevent drunk driving. The woman, however, had her nine-year-old son blow into the device in order to enable the ignition.

The drunk-driving mother is Boner of the Day.


The Gift of Disgust
Someone was kind enough to send Gina a gift - a life-size cardboard cut-out of Zach Effron. Bill was kind enough to point out that the image of her singing, dancing, 19-year-old, gay boy-friend had a remarkable resemblance to her son, Festus. Kerry agreed.

Apparently Gina's cougar-like appetite has been spoiled for now.

Delightful Erotic Universe
This past weekend, Bill performed in a sex-scene for Trent Harris' movie, Delightful Water Universe. It wasn't a standard sex-scene because, you know, that Trent Harris is kinda weird. It had a interpretive-dance kind of quality to it. Bill was in his t-shirt and boxers, and the woman was in a see-through, light, flowing outfit over her bra and underpants. There was some hoola-hooping, a spinning chair, and some physical illness involved.

Mr. Harris called to tell Bill that he had cut-together the footage from the weekend and it looked great! Bill indicated that it probably looked pretty silly. No, no. According to Mr. Harris, parts of it are pretty erotic! Though, the hoola hooping may have been a bit silly.

Neglected News
The Salt Lake City Weekly need to resume it's pre-best-of drinking schedule and refrain from the booze until at least 4:30pm. Brett Michaels has the 'betes, and a smelly bandana. Gina sleeps on a satin pillow-case to avoid wrinkles. No word on whether she possesses a satin doughnut-cushion.

Gina's Sign-off
"Don't we end the show at ten?"

Here they are in no particular order: