Episode #5230
Days until contract expiration: 234
Day 10 of Gina's Most Newest Morning Meander

Sign-off

• "Flying is easy.  You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

The Unusual Gang
Bill is taking his family out to California this week.  In his absence, the venerable Tom Barberi is sitting in as news reader.  Marcus is adding color commentary.  Marcus had trouble getting around Comic-Con whilst hanging out with Wolf.  Wolf and Marcus would be a fantastic couple on Dancing with the Stars.

Boners (brought to you by chicken fried steak)
1. "What Are You, Sandwich Crazy?":  New Jersey police arrested a man after he pulled a shotgun on his brother after an argument about a sandwich.  Police declined to release the name of the victim nor what kind of sandwich was involved in the altercation.

2. "Kitty Porn":  Charged with downloading child pornography from the internet, a Florida man attempted to pass the blame onto his cat.  Keith Griffin claimed that he would be downloading music when the cat jumped on the keyboard.  When he returned to the computer later, he would find "strange things."

3. "You Know the Thing With Bears Is..."  Despite being repeatedly warned by wildlife officials, 74-year-old Donna Munson continued to leave out dog-food, yogurt, and other foods in order to attact bears and other wildlife to her log cabin.  Ms. Munson even had a metal fence built around her porch so she could continue to feed bears through the opening.  Unfortunately, Ms. Munson's half-eaten corpse was found by her housekeeper as a bear continue to consume the remains.

The bear-food is Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
The season finale of Better off Ted.  NYC Prep is a terrible show about terrible people.  Guess what!?  The Ghoshunters will not find ghosts again this season.  Mindfreak is back and Criss Angel has a beard besides Cameron Diaz.  He'll be buried in a coffin, but unlike his career, he'll manage to escape intact.  Dinner Impossible will be cooking for the roller derby.  They'll have the impossible task of creating a gourmet meal that pairs well with P.B.R and camel cigarettes.  Neil Diamond is still alive.  Mad Men, season 3, will debut on Sunday.

Geek Show
Kerry was still drunk at 4:00am.  Shannon doesn't remember the hoe-down from the night before.  Troll 2 is the Best Worst Movie ever made.  The movie has no trolls, but rather vegetarian goblins who turn people into edible plants.  GI Joe: World Police got 1.5 stars from Jeff.  He didn't find if fun or funny or internally charming.  Kerry and Marcus, on the other hand, really enjoyed themselves.  Shannon will wait until the movie reaches Brewvies, at which time he will drink himself into the mind-set of a 12-year-old boy.  Yo Joe.  The re-imagining/re-boot of V looks promising.  They don't even want our water anymore.  Betty White loves Scott "Eeyore" Pierce.

Episode #5220
Days until contract expiration: 248
Day 2 of Gina's Phony Morning Meander

Opening Song
"Hail to the Geek" - Deaf Pedestrians

"There'll be a lot of geek sauce spilled that day I can tell you."
Comic-Con sucked.  Not for Jeff or Shannon or Marcus; they thought it was fine.  Kerry didn't seem to enjoy spending 90% of the time in line.  There was a line for this, for that, and for everything else.  Besides, all the "exclusive" content at the show were available online right after or even the next day.  Kerry did get a picture of Edward James Olmos.  Well, either a picture of Mr. Olmos or a close up from the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter.

The one highlight of the trip was the convergence to two of Kerry's favorite things; The Suicide Girls and Lt. Uhura's uniform.

"Life's Parade at your Fingertips."
Gina went to the Days of '47 p'rade.  She was't going to go, but Gina's sister bragged that she was taking her children in front of Gina's children.  So, naturally, she had to go.  Whilst there, Gina was treated to Brett "Chunga" Smith's p'rade announcing.  X96 has tried to be part of the p'rade before, but were always told that they wouldn't properly address the p'rade's theme.  Apparently this year's theme was something like "A Vision of the Future."  Apparently Utah's future will involve hand-carts, covered wagons, and hoe-downs.

Boners (brought to you by buffalo wings)
1. "Now, Where You From Son?":  After a home invasion, the victims had little trouble identifying their attacker from a book of police mug shots.  One of the thieves had a tattoo of the state of Florida on his face, along with the words, "Crazy Cracker."

2. "Somebody....Please Think of the Children":  A PTA president in Florida is urging other PTA parents to write and complain to a shopping mall for its display of a broze statue depicting a nude family.

3. "Which Meeting do I Go To?":  Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) discovered that he was in the wrong hearing room after he launched into an opening statement on a water projects and a bill he introduced affecting a water project in Magna.  Other attendees informed Mr. Chaffetz that the sub-committee on water was being held in a different room a few doors down.

Rep. Chaffetz is Boner of the Day.

"The Doctor Said I was Lazy."
On Friday, Gina couldn't go for her mile walk because she had to run the board.  Today she isn't taking her walk because the sound quality on her phone is bad.

Bill Frost
The Middleman is on DVD.  The Bachlorette is finale.  When they engage in sexual congress on The Bachlorette, the camera fades to a picture of a train going into a tunnel.  If they were filming Kerry it would fade to a picture of the space slug on the meteor in Empire Strikes Back.  For Bill it would be a clip of a runaway stagecoach.  A Whole Lotta Love is a whole lot of fat love.  The defenders of Dance Your Ass Off all sound fat in their e-mails.  Their messages are typed with thos fat, stubby little fingers.  I Didn't Know I was Pregnant is really a show.  Penn and Teller: Bullshit takes on organic foods in a very special episode.  Megan Wants a Millionaire is a terrible show, but honest.  Megan just wants a millionaire to buy her things and host her special breed of syphillis.  Rescue Me is fantastic.

Unforgettable Quote
"Fat people rule TV" - Kerry Jackson

New Ogden Fact
"The demolition derby is a good excuse for Ogdenites to get their cars."

Creature Feature
Whilst cherishing the cabin, Bill was awoken at 2:00am by the sound of something skittering across the roof.  Bill popped on his headlamp and began to look around.  He finally realized that the sound was in the house.  It was a bat, searching for a way out.  Little Bill really didn't want the bat to escape, "Don't chase it away!  I'll make a pet of it!"  It was cool to see, but finally Bill managed to get it out of the window.

Gina's Sign-off
"I don't want the lactic acid to build up."

The Geek Show
David Carradine was supposed to be a guest on The Geek Show, but unfortunately he was tied up.  The Ghostbusters video game will be released soon.  The movie will have to stock plus sized jump suits for the ever expanding Harold Ramis and Dan Akroyd.  Since Vulcan was destroyed in the new Star Trek movie, Voyager will never have happened.  The best thing about drinking that crappy Romulan Ale from The Star Trek Experience was not remembering that you drank it the next morning, then being reminded as you proceed to make a Play-Doh colored B.M.  R2D2 is on the Romulan mining drill.  Free Enterprise is Kerry's choice for best geek movie.  Marcus prefers Clerks.  Megan Fox actually has a body that continues above her breasts.  Thankfully Kirsten Dunst signed on for the next Spiderman movie.  It just wouldn't have worked without her.  She really is the lynch-pin of that franchise.  Brad Pitt may be playing Cap'n America. 

Shannon's Sign-off
"Broadcast more ham."

Episode #5171
Days until contract expiration: 330


Opening Song
"The Hand That Feeds" - Nine Inch Nails

Sign-off

• "You killed my pretend cat."

Things That Must Go
Bill

• Deodorant stains on your shirt.
• Yellow lines in the Trolley Corners parking lot.
• "Isn't that something."
• "I'll be darned."
• Dom Deluise...  Oh?  Never mind.

Gina

• The convenience store chain, The Plaid Pantry, with no plaid on their logo or sign.
• Checker Auto Parts getting rid of their checked flag logo and sign.
• Being so tired you can't remember what you've washed in the shower.
• That horrible bitch from Jon & Kate Plus Eight...  Gina can't blame Jon for cheating.

Kerry

• Taking away our right to be stupid on the internet or with novelty cigarette lighters.
• Vince Horiuchi accusing Kerry of being "over zealous" about the new Star Trek movie.  Mr. Horiuchi is an over-zealous douche-bag.

Geek Fight
When Kerry saw Watchmen, he and Sean Means of The Salt Lake Tribune had a little argument over the validity of the scene featuring a recreation of the Kennedy Assassination.  Now, it's Vince Horiuchi.  Mr. Horiuchi is the TV critic for The Tribune.  He wrote Kerry an e-mail accusing him of being "over zealous" and all wrapped up in the hype of the new Star Trek movie.  Kerry took some exception to that characterization.  Kerry doesn't take Trek lightly.  Kerry, after all, has created a religion dedicated to the worship of one James Tiberius Kirk.  Kerry's former nemesis, Sean Means, called in to back up Kerry.  Sean and Vince have been having an ongoing debate about the movie since the screening.  Vince was upset that they re-cast the original crew.  Couldn't they just create a new crew?  Sean pointed out that they had done that; it was called The Next Generation, and Vince hated that as well.  Not to mention Voyager, Deep Space Nine, and Enterprise.  Sean describes Vince as an Ultra-Orthadox Trek Fan.  He's kind of like a member of the Trek Taliban.  A Trekkie Fundamentalist, if it pleases.  There's really just no use is discussing the matter with them.  They'll never change their mind and they are always right.


Boners (brought to you by Taco Tuesday)

2. "Here's What You Shouldn't Say ":  The Delaware Department of Transportation issued a newsletter on diversity that explicitly spelled out a number of slurs and epithets that were not to be used.  The list consisted of racially, sexually, and culturally offensive terms.

3. "Keep the Queers Away From My Kids":  Sam "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher has friends that are gay, but they know he won't let them around his kids:



Mr. Wurzelbacher is Boner of the Day.

Gina's Sign-off
"We're goin' for steak and eggs t' Frost's."

Episode #5125
Days until contract expiration: 394

Sign-offs

• "I can't believe I just said "dilly dally". I feel dirty."
• "You people are not alcoholics.  You people are professionals."

Boners (brought to you by chicken)
1. "Here Ya Go Hero.  There's Your Jaywalking Ticket":  A Colorado man who helped some older women cross a street, then pusehd them out of the way before being struck by a truck was issued a citation by Colorado State Patrol for jaywalking.  Jim Moffet was the driver of a bus carrying the elderly women during a snow storm.  When the women got off, Mr. Moffet attempted to help them cross the street.  A truck, passing traffic that had slowed to allow their passage, sped towards the four pedestrians and struck Mr. Moffet after he pushed the three women out of the way.

2. "If They Won't Speak Up, Let Them Sleep in the Van":  Two children, in separate incidents, were left behind in their day care vans.  One of the children was left in the van overnight.  The mothers of the children are now looking into alternative day care.

3. "That Kittie was High Strung":  In an effort to calm a "high strung" kitten, a Nebraska man put his girlfriend's kitten into a homemade marijuana bong.  Police were executing a warrant for the arrest of Mr. Acea Schomaker on a charge of marijuana possession.  The deputies witnessed the trapped inside of the plexiglass box as it was being filled with marijuana smoke.  Mr. Schomaker was additionally charged with animal cruelty.

The kitten smoker is Boner of the Day.

Little Weinies
Kerry has a new game based on the movie Dirty Dancing.  It was suggested that perhaps Gina and Richie should play for some kind of bet.  Of course, everyone remembers that Richie doesn't follow through on his bets after the Little Weinie Intern incident.  In fact, the only person that Richie has denied as a friend on Facebook is Gina's cousin, Dominick, who sent Radio From Hell the little crockpots for Li'l Smokies and Li'l Polskas.

Our Son Kyle
People may have been getting the wrong impression of The Real Kyle Brown.  Phil is especially down on Kyle.  Maybe it's because Kyle has been too negative of late.  So today, it's all positive.  If Phil still doesn't like it, Kyle will take him out to lunch or dinner (Phil can even order a big plate of 'tots).  Here's a list of things that are positive in Kyle's life:


See ya!

Watching
Kerry and The Geekshow went to a special screening of The Watchman last night.  A lot of people thought the graphic novel was unfilmable, and the director worked extremely hard to be slavish to the sourch material.  It's a long movie, with lots of talking and lots of set-up.  Kerry really liked it, but feels that people who haven't read the book, won't really like the movie.  The story is set in an alternate timeline in which Nixon is still President in 1985 and has outlawed superheroes.  There's a lot of violence, blood, gore, hot sex, and big-blue wang.

The Aftermath
After the long movie, Marcus, Kerry, and Salt Lake Tribune critic Sean Means all retired to the restroom for a much needed respite.  Whilst there, they began discussing the somewhat graphic recreation of the Kennedy assassination present in the movie.  Though straight from the book and necessary to the plot, Sean commented that any director that would include the Kennedy assassination for a sight gag, is a loser.  Kerry became somewhat...um....bothered by Mr. Means' point of view and apparently attached Means' "Alan Alda, NPR sensibilities."  Kerry included some of his vitriol on the short podcast The Geekshow made after the performance.  Kerry claimed that it was the heat of the moment and he had overreacted to Sean's ridiculous point-of-view.  Kidding aside, Kerry was sincerely sorry.  He'll be sending a vegetable basket or, better yet, having Doug Fabrizio deliver a Tofurkey.

Gina's Sign-off
"I can't get my duck to do anything."

Episode #5021
Days until contract expiration: 562

Sign-offs

• "If there's no god, who pops up the next kleenex?"
• "Obstruction of justice?  No Sir.  We like to think of it as 'Avoiding Complications.'"

The Couple What Does Stuff
Bill is camping this weekend, and Gina is going camping next weekend.  For Gina it's camping.  If she's not sleeping in The Historical House of Character, it's camping and, no, her trailer does not have a satellite dish.....YET!  It only has a TV and a DVD player.

This weekend Gina and Joe went "dirt walking" down in Payson, Kerry's former neck-of-the-woods.  They drove past Maple Dell, which was Kerry's scout camp.  Scouting lost some of it's luster for Kerry when his scoutmaster at Maple Dell told all of the scouts to sleep naked and close together.  For some reason, the experience lost some of it's charm.

Pardon Me, This Gazpacho is Cold
To the ever-lengthening list of Things That Gina Doesn't Get, add cold-soup.  Soup should be warm and served with a piece of bread, for dipping.  If it's cold, it should be called something else... "Coup," "Sould," etc.

Boners (brought to you by kabobs and Joe's BBQ sauce #31)
1. "Note To Self:  Next Time Use Getaway Car":  The instigator of an armed robbery of a convenience store  was caught as he illegally made his getaway on an ATV.  Police were unaware that a robbery was taken place, but stopped the thief for operating an off-road vehicle on the roadway.

2. "You'll Arrest Me Over My Dead Body": After a fight with her husband prompted a phone call to police, a 63-year-old woman ran over herself with a mini-van.  The woman allegedly attempted to hit a deputy with the vehicle, but was then thrown out of the car.  The car spun out of control and struck the woman, causing critical injury.

3. "Give Me An 'M'!  Give Me An 'O'!  Give Me Another 'M'!":  The 33-year-old mother used her 15-year-old daughter's ID to register and enroll in a local high-school and join the cheerleading squad.  The daughter currently lives in another state with her grandmother.  The woman was discovered when she stopped attending class after the first day, prompting a truancy investigation.  Officials of the school claimed that the student appeared older but acted like a teenager.

The cheer-leading mother is Boner of the Day.


Bill Frost
The Closer will get to the pointy bottom of her finale.  Weeds was excellent this season and has it's finale this week.  The Fringe was not quite as bad as Kerry thought it would be.  House.  Harold and/or Kumar.  Good looking lesbian.  UFC is still huge on Spike.  Smallville still sucks, sucks, sucks, and sucks.  The only good thing about Smallville is that it will be replaced by Reaper.  Burn Notice finishes up it's second season - likely without any answers.  Chuck makes a better comic than a TV show, but its back.  On a very special Heroes, you'll remember the magic. 

Geekshow
Jeff Vice was drinking his Tang.  "Tang Extreme: For the Guy Who Can't Get Any."  Kerry didn't think The Fringe was too bad.  Scott disagreed; he was bored out of his mind.  Scott also reminds viewers of Heroes to tune into the one hour recap.  The first episode of Heroes was an encouraging change from season two.  The Terminator series is good, but Shirley Manson is unbelievably bad.   She crawled out of a toilet, killed a guy, and nearly ruined the show.  Keifer Sutherland found another bar and 24 is on hiatus.  Will Smith will not play Cap'n America.  The next Punisher movie will be a steaming pile.  It a show about a character that violently kills criminals, but will be PG-13.  Maybe The Punisher can just hug it out, bitch.  Kevin Smith is working on a new space comedy.  The Fly Musical went over like a turd in the punch bowl.  An Evil Dead musical will go over just as well, but with Gallagher.  Brendan Fraiser will make a great Superman.  No he won't!  Yes he will!  No he won't!  Yes he will!  There will be a caucasian Prince of Persia.

Episode #5012
Days until contract expiration: 575

Opening Song
"Drinkin'" - Reel Big Fish

Sign-offs

• "I'm a woman in the prime of her life who needs love-squeezins."
• "Get your mind out of the gutter.  It's blocking my view."

Now I'm Worried
Bill was allowed to stay in the "Presidential Suite" or the Stein-Ericksen lodge in Park City.  The lodge doesn't really have a "Presidential Suite", but that's what they are calling the room President Bush stayed in whilst in Utah.  As Bill sat his ass where the President's ass had previously sat, and watched the very same T.V. that George watched, Bill found himself surprised by Senator John McCain's concern over Hurricane Gustav.  After all, in 2005, as Hurricane Katrina made landfall in New Orleans, Senator McCain was busy accepting a birthday cake from the aforementioned President Bush.

Spit and Polish
Richie is taking some time off and Intern Trevor is producing the show.  Bill noticed a sizable bandage on Trevor's fingers and guessed that there were probably stitches under it.  There were not stitches, but a tree tore off Trevor's fingernail whilst he was camping.  He had awoken to nature's call, managed to zip up, turned around, and fell down, tearing his nail off in the process.

Boners
1. "'Students For McCain' Ought to Teach the Campaign Spelling and Punctuation":  "The McCain Store" on Senator John McCain's website sold pens printed with the slogan, "Student's for McCain", using the possessive form, rather than the plural form, of "student."

2. "I'll Go To Jail Before I Let the Kids Get Hold of This":  A Grandmother from Lewiston, ME, has claimed that she will go to prison before returning the book It's Perfectly Normal to the local library.  JoAn Karkos claims that the book, which features information about puberty aimed at 9 to 12-year-old children, is obscene and violates the city's obscenity ordinance.  A judge has ordered the woman to return the book and to pay a $100 fine.

3. "She Has Plenty of Foreign Policy Experience":  Human Walking-Stick, Cindy McCain, claims that vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin has plenty of foreign policy experience owing to Alaska's relative proximity to "Russia." Ms. McCain said, "The experience that she comes from is with what she's done in the government. And also, remember: Alaska is the closest part of our continent to Russia. So, it's not as if she doesn't understand what's at stake here."

Ms. McCain is Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
The Shield is back and is even more intensely intense than intensity allows.  Utah can guess good on Deal or No Deal.  The new show based on the old zip-code was not sent to critics, but Ms. Dougherty has become the Toxic Avenger.  Enjoy the two hour premier.  Even Gina thinks that is too much.  America's Next Top Model features a transsexual.  Katy Segal and Ron Pearlman star in Sons of Anarchy, which is like The Sopranos on motorcycles.  No word on Father or Catherine.  Hole in the Wall is the latest rip-off of a Japanese game show.  Contestants have to make it through a hole in the wall.  (Author's note:  There was a joke about 'glory' in here somewhere, but I just couldn't find it.)

Poet?  Schmoet.
Gina and Joe went to see Bob Dylan at Deer Valley this weekend.  It was raining like crazy.  Pouring buskets.  Apparently Kerry's prayers were answered.  Gina apparently didn't understand what "Rain or shine" meant and was sure that the concert would be canceled.  It was not.  Gina doesn't particularly like Bob Dylan's music, but she figures he'll be dead soon and needs to be able to say that she saw him in concert. 

As she and Joe were getting ready to leave, Gina mentioned that she was going to take a nice pair of boots for dinner, and some "rain boots" for the concert.  Joe then produced a pair of "cute boots" from under the bed.  He'd been saving them for a special occasion.  Under the bed is a perfect place to hide things from Gina.  Only the maid would think to check for dust-bunnies under there.

Damn the Empire
On Sunday, Kerry's Geekshow Podcast hosted a double-feature at Brewvies.  The night began with Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.  The whole theater lovingly-mocked the film, including a very boisterous, "KHHHHAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!"  Drinking games were played, and fun was had by all.

The second film, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, began well enough.  The Geekshow's goal, apparently, was to get everyone hammered during the second movie.  Everyone had to drink whenever Luke was being a "whiny bitch."  Unfortunately The Empire managed to destroy the main generator within the first 15 minutes and power was lost at the theater.

Neglected News
Mel Gibson, son of famed Blues Brothers nazi, Henry Gibson, is trying to clamp on rumors.  He's also, allegedly, having an affair with a sexy Russian.  Adultery is much less of a sin than that of Onan.  The Toxic Avenger never showed her crotch like Britney and Lindsay, but she did pose for Playboy.  David Duchovny ruined sex.  Tea Leoni was busy at Stubb's BBQ with Billy Bob Throckmorton.  Kristen Dunst is headed for a humpback.  She doesn't have the good genes to pull off the famed "Barberi Posture."

Gina's Sign-off
"Watermelon cubes!"

Episode #4902

Sign-offs

• "Normally, someone would have to go to a bowling alley to meet someone of your stature."

• "I often think... fish must get awful tired of sea food."

Morning Rant
Bill has a new printer on his desk. Now he doesn't have to share with the other morning show that has to print out 20 pages of pre-prepared comedy for the 20 minutes of material they have to present. Of course, the printer is slow, slow, slow, slow.

Irish Hospitality
To get to the short-bus, Gina had to walk blocks and blocks in her crappy shoes and her broken toe. Gina intended to park near the end of the parade so that she could make a quick getaway. Bill managed to park near the beginning of the parade, then had the driver of the short bus take him back to his car after the parade was over.

During the parade, X96 followed the friendly folk from Squatter's. No one gave Kerry four shots of Jameson's. No one offered him and Bill a screwdriver either. The shot glass Kerry brought to the event, however, seemed to come in handy.

Gina and her broken toe rode in the bus for most of the parade. That way, only have of the parade was able to to barely see her.

Boners (brought to you by corned beef )
1. “Up, Up, and Away”: Lefkos Hajji spent $12,000 Canadian dollars on an engagement ring for his girlfriend. He then place the ring in a helium balloon, hoping to pop the balloon after he popped the question. Unfortunately he lost hold of the balloon and watched it, and the ring, flow away.

2. “We Saved His Hand in a Red Solo Cup”: An Alabama jury convicted a 21-year-old of assault for severing a fellow party-goer's hand with a samurai sword during a kegger party.

3. “You Expect Us To Condone Sluffing Missy?”: Upon arriving at school Amanda Rouse felt sick and asked the bus driver to give her a ride back home. The bus driver agreed and took off towards the bus station. At some point, the driver fell out of her seat. Amanda jumped out of her seat and set the emergency brake. Amanda was rewarded for her efforts with Saturday school as she was technically skipping class.

The school giving the bus-hero detention is Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
How I Met Your Mother and Two-and-a-Half Men are back. One of those shows is funny. Dancing With The Stars is back with Penn Jillette and Steve Guttenberg. One of those celebrities is funny. The Bachelor sucks. One Tree Hill will make 14-year-old girls and Todd Nukem happy (Author's note: The previous sentence was intended as a joke and not as a personal\affront to Todd or any other X96 on-air personality.) The Richies is back for a few episodes. Battlestar Galactica returns in April. Reaper is great, but may not be back next season.

Geek Show
Kenneth Johnson, the creator of the science-fiction series V, has written a new book that continues the series. V: The Second Generation begins twenty years after the original mini-series. Peter David writes Star Trek novels that aren't afraid to kill off major characters. Originally, Mr. David wasn't able to create female Borg or engage Riker and Troi. Jeff will finally be able to watch Battlestar Galactica.

Episode #4835

Sign-offs

• Why do we buy hotdogs in packages of 8 and buns in packages of 10?
• Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
  

Post No Bills
Bill had to take another day today. Richie spoke to Bill this weekend and he sounded pretty good. There weren't even a bunch of screaming kids in the background. Kerry really wishes that Bill would drink more – he'd be more relaxed. Mrs. Bill could keep the kids away from him.

A Classy Thanksgiving
Kerry's San Francisco Thanksgiving meal lasted for hours. It started with Bleu Cheese Foam served on brioche. Next was a lobster bisque with fresh lobster, crab and butternut squash. After that was seared salmon with a fennel and parsley salad. It turned a bit lighter with another appetizer of hammachi tuna. That was followed by turkey and stuffing, because it's turditional. That was followed by caviar and champagne, and then lamb chops with a sauce Robert, roasted peppers and balsamic. Finally, foie gras with mashed greens, pomegranate sauce, and poached pears. Which of these things was not like the others?

Boners (brought to you by a bowl of cereal)
1. “Turkey Fight”: A Chicago man was charged with assault after allegedly beating his drinking buddy with a turkey. The man accused his friend of stealing the turkey and attempting to sell it on the street. Police suggest that the altercation may have been fueled by alcohol.

2. “Well, All Chickens Look Alike”: ALF, the “Animal Liberation Front”, claimed on their website to have raided a Spanish Fork Egg Farm. The group claimed to have freed 102 hens from “a living hell.” Something seemed amiss, however, when reporters and authorities contacted the Spanish Fork egg farm who had not reported or noticed any damage, vandalism, or missing chickens.

3. “That Coyote Was Mooing At Me”: A Michigan man claims that the shooting death of a 1,400-pound cow occurred after he mistook the large pregnant bovine for a coyote, which typically weigh between 20-45 lbs. The man then tried to drag the “coyote” home. Authorities are skeptical of his claims.

The cow-shooting coyote hunter is Boner of the Day.

Unforgettable Quote
“Lining up for Christmas porn.” - Gina Barberi

Bill Frost
Orpha gave away her favorite things. Richie is gay and likes Hannah Montana and Billy Ray. Mel B. will probably be served by Marie. Kathy Griffin is going to hell. Torchwood is done. Uri Gellar has no magic powers or psychic skills. Garth Merenghi is going to his Dark Place on Adult Swim. Don Rickles is the subject of an HBO documentary. Brotherhood is a great show about the Irish mob in Rhode Island. Tin Man is a 6-hour version of The Wizard of Oz. It's really dark and weird.

Neglected news
Lindsay fell of a wagon, but still hasn't died. Paris Hilton has Fraggle hair. Hulk Hogan is getting divorced, and Quiet Riot is dead.

Geek Show
2007 was not a good year for geek-movies. Transformers was OK, and Spider-man 3 wasn't even that. Futurama is back with a DVD movie. Battlestar Galactica: Razor was fantastic. If you didn't like it, turn in your geek card. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls is going to suck – a lot. It's written by the same screenwriter who brought you Rush Hour 2 AND Rush Hour 3. Besides, the acronym for the movie is Indiana Jones: KOCS. Voltron and Thundercats are both in development. Old-school cylons are still cool. The Shaun of the Dead folk are developing a movie about Ant Man. Shannon watched Tila Tequila once and now his TV has crabs. Ironman will be huge, as will The Dark Knight.