Episode #5227
Days until contract expiration: 239
Day 7 of Gina's Most Newest Morning Meander

Your List of Things That Must Go.
Rep. Jim Matheson.  Megan Fox must go to Aaron's house.  People who visit a construction site wearing sandals.  People who push the door open wider after you hold it open for them.  People who stop and talk at the top of escalators, or in front of an elevator, or a narrow hallway.  People who tell you their entire life story at first meeting, including medical history, marriages, and divorces.  People who have forgotten how to spell or use punctuation thanks to e-mail, texting, and Twitter.  People who whine about not having money for lunch, but can still afford a daily pack of cigarettes.  Grown men with Velcro wallets.  Crying at work.  Businesses that charge a "convenience fee" for using their online services.  "Sick!"  Stores that carry petite sizes, but no tall sizes.  Celebutard pictures without captions.  Nylons with open-toed shoes.  Restaurants without Dr. Pepper.  Unibrows on men.  Moustaches on women.  Men who look like Burt.  Women who look like Yosemite Sam.  Drinking fountains right outside of a bathroom.  Parents who don't immunize their children.

Boners (brought to you by left-over chicken cashew)
1. "Krazy Glue!  You Can Do Some Crazy Things With It!":  A man's mistress lured him to a motel promising a rubdown, then tied him to the bed and blindfolded him.  The woman then let in the man's wife, another mistress, and the mistress's sister.  The four women then used super-glue to attach the man's penis to his stomach.  The women have been charged with false imprisonment, and one was additionally charged with sexual assault for the actual gluing.

2. "Step Away From the Coffin Love":  A woman in Britain was fined by a city owned crematorium for spending too long at the side of her son's tiny coffin.  The mother was having trouble saying goodbye to her baby who had died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and the vicar suggested that she spend some additional time paying her respects.  The city council noted that funerals were only allowed to be 30 minutes long, and fined the woman 86 British-pounds.  The council has since apologized and returned the money.

3. "Shopping with Mom is a Drag":  A mother at a Verizon store dragged a child across the store by his back-pack mounted leash.  The woman was arrested and charged with child neglect. 


The city council who fined the grieving mother are Boners of the Day.

Neglected News
Ms. Megan Fox is an expert on the subject of flatulence.  She notes that flatus following a meal of Chinese food often smells much like Chinese food.  She further observed that flatus following a meal of Mexican food retains the odor of the food in question.  Ms. Fox was especially intrigued by the fact that flatulence following the consumption of dairy products seemed to produce a much higher temperature than normal expulsions.

Episode #5112
Days until contract expiration: 415

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

Mic On.  Game Off.
Bill has finally found out why he gets surly the moment the microphone comes on in the morning;  Gina and/or Richie.  When Bill gets into the studio, he can't get more than two words out before the Richie T. Experience starts putting on a show.  Gina feel that Bill should be disturbed, but not necessarily surly.  Shut up!  Bill has a hair-trigger.  In fact, in the second grade, Bill was kicked out of class for his hair-trigger.  The teacher referred to a whale as a "fish."  Bill immediately corrected the teacher and informed her that a whale is actually a mammal.  Uh huh.  Get out!

It's Gina's Fault
If you didn't care for the interview with former celebrity, Duff McKagan, it's all Gina's fault.  Who?  Duff McKagain?  He's the Guns and/or Rose that people struggle to remember.  Knowing that Gina would get all aflutter at the chance to interview a hair-metal musician, Richie sent a text message to Gina asking if she wanted to interview the guitarist.  Yes!  Of course!  On the other hand, Gina was wise enough to send another text message, later, expressing her doubt that the audience would want to hear from Mr. McKagan.  She was right, but it was too late.  Richie had scheduled 'Duff.'  McKagan isn't even the Rose what had the stroke and the heroin addiction.  Hell!  McKagan didn't even know how to sign up for his own rock and/or roll camp.

Boners (brought to you by pork tenderloin)
1. "You are an Insult to Canadians, and That's Hard To Do":  Wrestling imitator Chris Jericho allegedly punched a woman as he was leaving the Save-On-Foods Arena in British Columbia.  Apparently the crowd was heckling Mr. Jericho as he left.
http://deadspin.com/5149458/chris-jericho-vs-canadian-chick-in-the-parking-lot--its-on

2. "Maybe This Won't Cheer You Up":  A doctor treating a patient for depression may have aggravated the condition when he admitted to sleeping with the patient's wife.  The man's wife had become the doctor's receptionist after helping him with a drug trial.  The husband became suspicious when his wife accompanied the doctor on a trip to Paris.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/4437097/Family-doctor-wrecked-marriage-through-affair-with-receptionist.html

3. "Dude.  We Didn't Get High":  Two Florida men have been charged with filing a false police report claiming that they were robbed of $450 at gunpoint.  After the report, police rounded up 11 suspects, one of whom told police that the two "victims" had arranged to buy marijuana from him.  He didn't have any marijuana, so he taped up a bag of herbs and sold it to the two "victims" for $450.  Realizing that they had been taken, the two called 911 to report the "robbery."
http://www.wpbf.com/news/18596254/detail.html

The cheating doctor and his wife are Boners of the Day.

Secret Smells
Tomorrow, when Richie picks up Joe for the wine pairing, they'll probably take Joe's care instead of Richie's.  Joe has already had a nasty case of toenail fungus that was traced back to Richie's filthy vehicle.  Joe's car is great.  It's 15-years-old and still looks new inside.  Joe doesn't even fart in that car.  He should put that on the "For Sale" sign; "Fart-Free for 15 Years." 

Not So Long as is a Tedious Tale
If Gina is able to get a babysitter, she'll be able to go see Romeo and Juliet at The Pioneer Theater this Friday.  She likes Romeo and Juliet up until the star-cross'd lovers wake up in the afterglow of their wedding night.  After that it gets sad and Gina does't care for it.  Bill likes the play well enough, especially the sword fighting, but he really enjoys two specific moments.  First, when Mercutio is killed.  Second, towards the end when The Priest.  TYBALT!?  What?  Tybalt?  No, Gina.  The priest.  Yes, but it's Tybalt that is killed.  No, Gina, it's Tybalt that kills Mercutio.  Yes, but Romeo kills Tybalt.  Ok, but what does that have to do with the priest?........................................................................................

Neglected News
Cupkake Hudson is still laying on the floor with Owen Wilson.  Sasha and Malia will get to see the first screening of Miley's new movie.  Miley doesn't have a purity ring; just ring-worm.  Miley believes that everything is in "God's Ultimate Plan", even the Asians.  Bill refuses to read any more Cap'n Underpants books to Little Mrs. Bill.  They're boring, awful, poorly written, and poorly drawn.  Little Mrs. Bill is welcome to read them to herself when she is old enough, but Bill has finally put his foot down.

Gina's Sign-off
"I forgot."

Opening Song
"The Metal" - Tenacious D

Porn Letter
F.O.P Nicole wanted to use "National Thank-You Day" to thank Radio From Hell for their show, and to encourage Gina to show Joe how much she appreciates him.  After all, opposites attract and Joe and Gina could not be more opposite.  As Joe is reading his Mother Earth Times, Gina is off having plastic fingernails attached over her natural nails with harmful chemicals.  As Joe makes a healthy dinner of cedar-plank salmon, Gina is drinking Diet Coke and scarfing down Ding-Dongs and bacon.  Joe simply accepts Gina for all of her high-maintenance flaws.  She should thank Joe by taking him on a guided tour down a rapid river.  Even better, however, would be to leave the camping-hating children at home.  Go on a couples camping trip the way Joe would want to camp.  Gina, the little hottie, should "buck-up", put her hair in a simple pony-tail and leave the make-up, laser hair removal, vela-smooth, and lipstick behind.  Strap-on a backpack and lead Joe down a 10-mile footpath to an open meadow.  There, Gina should throw Joe to the ground and make-love to him in the dirt and "the temple of The Mother!" 

Gina likes the sound of that very last part, as long as she can roll out a clean memory foam mattress over the dirt - and leave the filthy thing behind when they leave.

Boners (brought to you by sadness and beef on a stick)
1. "Give Back Whatever He Stole From You ":  Huh?  Wha?  Eh?  Oh, nevermind.

2. "Ben and Jerry's New Flavor:  Oh, La-La Leche":  An animal rights group is petitioning ice-cream maker Ben & Jerry's to replace the cow's milk in their iced treat with human breast-milk.

3. "How Else You Gonna Get 'Em To Mind?":  A Cedar City man has been given probation after being caught using an electric dog-collar to discipline his children.

The confusing Boner is Boner of the Day.

B.A.S.H
Don't worry if you don't have the best seats at the Big-Ass Show.  The new venue is acoustically perfect.  Kerry checked it personally.  During a sound-check, Kerry was on-stage and farted.  Bill, who is nearly deaf, heard it from the lawn.

Things That Must Go
Kerry

• People who don't believe Kerry knows his own name.  Kerry certainly knows that his name is not 'Scott', and he doesn't work at a television studio.
• Whoever was driving the really nice car with the little yippie dog and the "Bush/Cheney '04" stickers.  Really?  Still!?

Gina

• Liberty Land and their phony patriotism.  They can't be patriotic!  They disrespected George Washington by putting Halloween spiders on his face!
• Traffic reporters that report, "There's a rollover on west-bound I-80, but it's not causing any problems."  The person who just rolled his/her car would probably disagree.
• Mail-in rebates.
  • Yes, everyone would prefer the $100 right off the top.
  • Yes, it would be easier and the consumer wouldn't have to do any work.
  • Yes, Bill would also enjoy a group of big-breasted women to carry him around whilst feeding him fine food.

Bill

• Sticky labels.
• "You know, I'm a foreigner, so I may not understand, but..."
• Shiny, pointy shoes on men.
• If you have dreadlocks and tattoos, you shouldn't be driving a Hummer.  You look, madam, as if you are the biggest poser on the planet.

Trendy
Respected author David Foster Wallace recently committed suicide.  Gina had never heard of him previously, but with all of the media coverage, she began to develop a curiosity about his hefty tome, Infinite Jest.  She kind of wants to buy and read it, but now she's worried that people will think that she's just following the trend.  It's not as if she purchases books from Orpha's book-list, or reads the Mormon vampire books.  Gina, you're right... you shouldn't possibly read a book that you are curious about - it's Gina's duty to stomp out any natural curiosity she may develop.

Neglected News
Shia has a banana sleeping in his hammock.  Claiken is very, very happy.  Magicator David Blaine pees through a plastic tube.  TV-station, ABIS, will show a Div of Death!

Gina's Sign-off
"It didn't get on you?"

Episode #4965

Morning Evil
Bill is extra tired and extra surly.  He managed to park in the one empty spot right next to the door so that Gina would have to park upstairs.  As Gina drove by, Bill let loose an evil laugh.  Bill just finds Gina's parking "system" to be absolutely ridiculous. 

Birthdays
Today is Richie's, Atropos', and Emily Courage's birthday.  Bill doesn't like to celebrate birthdays for adults.  Birthdays are for children!  Richie suggested that, since he was acting as a child, perhaps Radio From Hell should celebrate Bill's birthday from now on.

My Eyes!
Kerry is disturbed.  For the past couple of days, his flatus has smelled heavily of sulphur.  He hasn't changed his diet, but driving in the car is nearly intolerable.  Bill remembered that Kerry has been changing his medication slightly.  That must be it.  Kerry felt better.

Too Sexy
Gina has attended her modeling class, twice.  Gina thought that a modeling class would consist of a lot of walking up and down a runway.  No ma'am.  There are white-boards, markers, notes, pop quizzes, and even homework.  Gina learned that, in the fashion world, "plus-size" modeling begins at size 10.  Gina is currently a size 12 - which she considers to be pretty average.  Kerry's wife, Sue, is normally a size 2, but doesn't look like a Kate-Moss-Style-Heroin-Addict.  Sue has abundant curves. 

For men considering a career in modeling, you must be hairless...everywhere.  Team up and help shave each other.

Boners (brought to you by a truck-stop ham & cheese sammich)
1. "No.  Really.  Here Come The Judge":  A federal judge, Alex Kozinski, who was overseeing an obscenity trial related to a pornographer distributing images and videos of bestiality, has delayed the trial after reporters had found sexually explicit images on the judge's own web site.  The numerous files also contained an image of a naked man roping with a sexually aroused male animal.

2. "Shut Up With All That Graduation Stuff":  After being told to hold their applause until the end of a South Carolina High School graduation ceremony, seven people were hand-cuffed, arrested, and charged with disorderly conduct for "loud cheering."

3. "All Your Friends Are Dead":  In a "scared straight" project to discourage drunken driving during graduation celebrations, police arrived at the El Camino High School in Oceanside, CA and announced to more than 20 classrooms that some of their friends had been killed over the weekend in drunk driving accidents.  Students began to cry, bawl, and enter hysterics at the news.  They were later informed that their friends were asked to stay home in order for the program to proceed. 

The school scaring students is Boner of the Day.


Margaret-Ruth
A truck-stop sammich can cause things to happen at any time.  The man you can't get along with should be placed on the curb in front of your home.  Combine the housing market and the love market wherever you can.  You'll improve your love equity.  Leaving half-naked when caught by your lover's husband is probably a good idea.  After the divorce is final, go find yourself a nice hippie chick.  You'll be married within the next 10 years.

Neglected News
The most Bill Shatner has ever spent on a.....hair-piece was $9,000.  It's a snap-on model.  Lou Ferigno is lactating.  Next time you see Lou, tell him "[Hug] you Lou Ferrigno!" 

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Best Utahn" Matson chose "It's Granny's Birthday.  Have a drink" as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"She ain't what she used to be."