• "With warning labels this big, you know they're gonna be fun!"
• "Hey, didn't I meet you in another hallucination?"

• "The worst thing you can do with money is save it."

Episode #4884

Super-Good Fun
Gina couldn't begin the show along with Kerry and Bill. Yesterday, she had to take Festus to the hospital as his 103 fever wouldn't come down. The doctor diagnosed Festus with pneumonia. He's already been sick for five days, but it's supposed to take another three days for him to feel better. This is great news for Bill and Little Bill has also been sick with a fever. Last night, Little Bill was up several times emptying the contents of his stomach into the porcelain deity. It was unclear how, but this situation resulted in Bill staying up to watch Big Mama's House.

Intern Crisis
Bill and Kerry are somewhat displeased with the current status of interns. First of all, they had the disappearing intern, then Nate calls in sick, Matt doesn't come in until 9:00, and Amber is only in the office for two days per week. Richie is paid too little to do all of the things the unpaid interns should be doing.

Blogging
Kerry, Bill, and Richie have taken up blogging on the X96 website. So far, Bill has used it to show off his Pleasant Grove pictures, and a motion sickness inducing (rivaling Cloverfield or The Blair Witch Project), but adorable video by Little Mrs. Bill. Richie has used his to brush off the haters and insist that he is not a flaming homosexual. Kerry finally published an entry on the miracles of Kirland brand vodka. However, Richie posted additional entries which kicked Kerry's off the front page. Richie seems to be acting more and more blatantly to re-make the show as "Radio From Hell with Richie, Bill, and Gina."

Boners (brought to you by Taco Tuesday)
1. "Hey Little Girl. Got Change For $100?": An unknown couple is sought after using a phony $100 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies. The girl scouts sold the cookies and made $93.50 gave in "change" to the couple - virtually eliminating their earned profits for the entire day.

2. "Careful! That Coffee Is Hot": Florida officials are seeking a man who has repeatedly used the drive-thru of a local Dunkin' Donuts in his convertible corvette - while not wearing any pants.

3. "Them Scary Moolums": Employees of a Riverdale Wal-Mart store will be required to attend sensitivity training after a clerk mocked a Muslim woman in her face veil. The clerk jokingly asked the woman not to hold him up. Wal-Mart has apologized.

(Author's note: I neglected to record the winner during the show, but I believe it was #1)

Things That Must Go
Bill

• New parking or road-marking lines painted over old lines that are still visible.

• Powdered sugar.

• Vanilla wafers - unless their lining a bowl of banana pudding.

• The name "Skip."

• Changing the spelling of a word for marketing purposes. For example, "Karson and Kennedy," or "Krazy Korn."

• Executive producers who talk to you while you're pretending to lift weights in the gym.

Kerry

• Spoofs of the "priceless" credit card advertisements.

• Rental car companies that don't give you a map unless you ask for one.

• Left-overs from a restaurant boxed into foil or foam. It doesn't work in the microwave.

• Paid parking with an attendant that still requires the driver of the car to get out of the car, walk to the pay station, then walk back to the car to put the receipt on the dashboard.

B.F.O.P

• People who think it's ok to park in the handicapped parking stall just because their waiting in the car.

Richie

• Drama queens. It's always something. "The boy I'm dating." "My religious faith." "My horrible family."

• Apartment walls that have no sound-insulation whatsoever.

• People who get pissed when you talk to them in the gym.

All About Gina
Gina managed to make it into the show for the last hour. She had a rough day and night with Festus and the three other children. Joe is out of town, but he should be home tonight with a tattoo and a dose. Gina still likes the ear-thermometer to take the kid's temperatures. Bill relies on the fore-head method. Gina just doesn't trust that. She doesn't trust anything that doesn't require some kind of insertion.

Neglected News
Lindsay tripped and fell and accidentally posed naked for a magazine. P. Puffy Diddy Daddy is looking for someone to hold his umbrella. Jamima has a stinky ass. Kevin Featherhead and Gina agree that Britney doesn't want her children. Mylie Cyprus (the girl what plays Havana Moantanah). Yahoo! Pink! is getting divorced; she's sleeped with many womens and mens - including Tommy Lee.

Episode #4857

5000
In 143 episodes, Kerry and Bill will surpass 5000 episodes. Bill isn't sure that they will make it. He's not concerned about being fired, he's just pretty sure that he will be committed to an insane asylum long before then. Kerry offered to give Bill the name of his therapist, but, on second thought, that doesn't sound like a particularly good idea. Bill wouldn't go to Kerry's therapist anyway. Kerry's therapist is just a girl, so that wouldn't work. Bill insists that his therapists be Jewish, British, smoke a pipe, wear a goatee, and remain completely silent throughout the entire session.

Therapy
Speaking of therapy, Kerry was attempting to wean himself off one of his prescribed medications.

He currently takes three, but he'd like to back-off one of them as he is beginning to feel better. Unfortunately, the attempt left Kerry either crying or screaming. There really is no reason that he should have been sobbing when Desperate Housewives featured a building falling on a lone feline.

The Money Pit
One of the reasons that Bill is feeling a bit out of control is his home. His home is still using a blue tarp for a roof. The contractor who was supposed to start re-building his roof called from Mexico informing Bill that he was too busy to work on Bill's house and wouldn't be able to get to it for a couple of months. When Bill asked about the contract they had signed after picking out all the samples, etc., The Contractor informed Bill that he could just tear that up.

Boners (brought to you by cheese pizza)
1. "My GPS Says Turn Here": A computer consultant's rental car was destroyed after he followed the directions of his GPS onto active train-tracks. A train was bearing down on the car at 60 miles-per-hour. The man managed to jump from the car before it was smashed into little bits.

2. "Get the Torches! Get The Pitchforks!" A Murray woman was surprised to find a uniformed police officer at her door. She was even more surprised when she was informed of the reason for his visit. The woman had an abstract painting of a topless woman on the wall of her living room, which was visible from the front window. The woman's neighbors called the police to complain.

3. "Dude, The Cops Will Never Smell It": Lakehurst, VA police didn't have to go far when they smelled marijuana smoke in the parking lot of their station on an early Saturday morning. Police traced the smell to a nearby residence, separated from the station by a chainlink fence. Police knocked on the door and arrested the occupant.

The nosy and inconsiderate neighbors are Boners of the Day.

Gina Update
From her home studio, Gina appeared for a short time to provide a Li'l Mohamed update. Mother and son are doing well. Mohamed no longer looks like a character from The Simpsons. Unfortunately, he's also not the brown color Gina really wanted. He's much, much too white. But Gina's been leaving him in the sun, so hopefully that will help.

Gina finished her gestation of Li'l Mohamed just before Xmas. As such, she didn't do any last minute shopping. Festus was a little upset that there was no present for Sadie-girl. Festus was unaware that there are actually two Santas; one for children, and one for pets. This year, the pet-Santa was inadvertently shot down by G.W.'s missile defense system. It was very sad.

Despite the crappy Xmas for Sadie-girl, Festus is pretty excited about having a new baby brother. Now he can play Harry Potter. Festus is Harry, Mohamed is Dobby, Jonesie is Hermoine, Joe is Nearly-Headless Nick, and Gina is Beatrix Lestrange.

Margaret Ruth
“Turd Free Living” should be your goal in life. If you're happy, don't call Kerry. Always, always use a condom, even if the doctor claims that your wife's womb is a rocky garden in which your seed can find no purchase. Don't marry young. You probably didn't make your husband gay. You're guaranteed to be married within the next 10 years.

Boner of The Week
Dave “The Best Utahn” Matson chose “Just Throw a Tarp Over Her” as Boner of The Week.

Episode #4847

Day 2 that Bill is without his Lousiville Slugger bat from The Zone.
Day 351 that Bill is without his CTR pendant.
Day 1 that Bill is without his iPhone.
Day 4847 that Kerry is without his dignity.

Boners (a way-too-salty frozen pizza)
1. "Your Genitals Are Valuable": Wal-mart is current selling junior panties for little girls that are pink with polka dots and the highly family-values friendly motto, "Who Needs Credit Cards?" printed on the front.

2. "It's National Pancake Day": I.H.O.P is upset because the super-tuesday primary elections are on the same day as National Pancake Day. I.H.O.P is using the fact as a stunt to ask state governors to change the date of their primary. Plan-B will be to move National Pancake Day.

3. "I Don't Care Where You Are. You Watch Your Mouth.": Following up on a past Boner ("Wow. That's a Crappy Thing To Do", October 18, 2007), Dawn Herb of Scranton, PA must appear before a judge to defend herself against a disorderly conduct charge stemming from a neighbor overhearing Ms. Herb using profanity in her own home. Ms. Herb's toilet was backed up and flooding her home at the time of the swearing incident. Her neighbor, an off-duty police officer, asked her to keep the noise down. When she continue to curse the situation, her neighbor phone the police and had her arrested.

Wal-mart's choice of little girl panties is Boner of the Day.

There's Your Problem
Last night, Bill told Little Mrs. Bill to come back to the table and finish her dinner. Little Mrs. Bill replied that she couldn't as she was still busy sulking. Kerry thinks he's discovered the root of Bill's problems with his children. His children are much, much too smart. You gotta keep them kids stupid. Gina is doing her part by letting Festus and Jonesie watch all the TV they want while licking paint chips off the walls.

The Sloshing
Todd Nukem had a dream about Bill last night. Todd dreamed that he was at the company Xmas party when they ran out of food. As Todd was leaving, he spotted Bill in the hallway. Bill was wearing a tight muscle-guy t-shirt and strutting about - much as Richie does in real life. Bill was really focusing on his pectoral muscles, the bragged about the fact that he had "pec" implants. "Listen! You can hear 'em!" Bill then proceeded to shake his chest, resulting in a water-balloon-like sloshing sound.

Things That Must Go
Bill

• Cars with race-car logos.

• "The Official Car of the US Olymic Ski Team"

• High School Musical on Ice.

• High School Musical must go.

• Whoever has been breaking the "Rest-Assured" sanitary paper dispenser.

• Bill's own personal pettiness.

Gina

• Sugarhouse disappearing.

• The spelling of the word 'thirsty'. Gina would like it to be 'firsty'.

• 'Reindeers.'

• Jogging-suit Mom. Get dressed.

Kerry

• The 'new' Footloose with Zach Effron.

• Xmas cards with messages in them.

• People who think a gift-card is a bad gift.

• Outdoor malls. It's not better to be outside and cold.

• Whichever wino took Kerry's Battlestar Galactica season 1 DVD.

Growing Up Gina
Festus is old enough that he's had to start wearing deodorant. Gina let him pick it out, but it had to be something that smelled so she could be sure he put it on. As Festus comes out of the shower in the morning she asks, "Did you do it?" If he raises his arm and lets her sniff, he can go to school. Gina just doesn't want Festus to be the smelly kid. Each and ever person who attended elementary school can name "The Smelly Kid" from their class. Bill got the deodorant talk from one of he P.E. coaches. The coach handed out the deodorant and ensured that everyone put it on. If you didn't, you had to go through the spankin' machine.

When discussing the deodorant, Gina didn't bring up "the birds and the bees." Fortunately, she's currently gestating, which takes some of the awkwardness out of that conversation. Bill wondered if Gina had given Festus the "Don't Touch Your Cousin That Way" speech yet. No! Gina shouldn't have to do that. Well, Bill needed it, as did Kerry. Kerry was told that he couldn't be involved with his cousins because they would have monster babies. At first, Kerry was intrigued. Monster babies? Perhaps he could train them to do his bidding.

• Why are you "in" a movie, but "on" TV?
• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  

Fusion Food
After a family therapy session in Ogden with the ex-Mrs. Bill and his daughter, Bill suggested they all go find something to eat. Bill is amazed that, with all of the Mexican's in Ogden, it's impossible to find good, authentic Mexican food. The most popular Mexican restaurant in Ogden is actually run by Armenians. Its not bad food, but it's not good, authentic Mexican food. The “friend” [Fried] ice-cream didn't even have any crunchy bits in it – it was just a caramel sundae.

Boners (brought to you by friend ice-cream)
1. "I Am So Lucky! Not!": Timothy Elliott was thrilled when he won the million dollar Massachusettes lottery. Mr. Elliot was not so thrilled when he was cited with a probation violation for gambling. Mr. Elliot will face a hearing on his probation status.

2. "Your Good Deeds Will Not Cut It Here": A homeless man was kicked out of his shelter after spending 10 hours a day collection money for The Salvation Army. The shelter handed Paul Tucker an eviction notice citing his refusal to get a job, or look for housing.

3. "I Can't Miss Church With My Mom": Justin Veal committed nearly 12 robberies of local convenience and liquor stores, but never missed curfew. Mr. Veal stole nearly $10,000 this year in order to fix his car, buy jewelry, and purchase gas money to go to church with his mother. Mr. Veal also claimed to never have missed his 1:30am curfew due to the robberies.

The curfewed bandit is Boner of the Day.

All Over The Place
Kerry got his first Xmas card this week. There was a lentil hiding in Kerry's oatmeal packet. Gina would have thrown the whole thing out as contaminated, but Kerry ate it. He likes lentils. Gina has finally given up. She's so damn tired of this pregnancy. The past two mornings she has just sat down, hunched over her cinnamon-roll-like “breakfast” and a huge Diet Coke. Later, she'll ask an intern to track her down one, if not two, packages of Ding-Dongs or Ho-Hos. The Brookstone nose-hair trippers don't work. The only thing that Bill has found that really works well are the scissors off his swiss army knife. Kerry's brother-in-law had his nose-hair waxed. He claims it was the most excruiciating thing he had ever experienced. The Brookstone also sells one of the largest mastabatory devices Bill has ever seen; the iGallop. Last night, Gina was all alone with Jonesie for dinner, and she'll be damned if she didn't just go to Wendy's and buy Jonesie some chicken nuggets. When Joe finally got home, Gina just burst into tears – for no reason. Kerry wonders why anyone would intentionally put themselves through an ordeal like this. Bill explained; because after a few years you can wake up to your son vomiting and pooping in the bed and find out that he has a 103 degree temperature. Then, after you son has spent all day on the couch, but still can't move up to his bedroom, you pick him up and begin to carry him upstairs. Your son then looks up at you deliriously and says, “I don't know what I'd do without you, Dad.”

Margaret-Ruth
Graduate school is hard. Greensleeves is even more irritating when heard overpowering Radio From Hell through a sound-proofed studio wall. Use a condom.  If you've dodged a bullet, don't keep shooting; move on. You don't owe your meth-addict ex-boyfriend anything, but you'll let him ruin your life anyway. Even nice girls have babies in the bathroom at the stripclub. Not to worry, you'll be married within the next 10 years.

Who Talks Like That?
Gina rues the day she taught Festus how to record TV shows. Her machine was filled with 30 episodes of The Sweet Life of Zach and Cody. Now Festus can only record something if he has permission.

Neglected and Celeb-u-tard News
Dingy Anatomy's Chrysler Leigh made out with her Red-Ranger brother in a lousy b-movie. Brill Pim is too old for movies. X-tina is pregnant and forgot her underpants. Kerry was concerned that her baby would fall out. Vanessa Huggins don't need no make-up wearing, zit-hating little girl like Zach Effron. Mischa was killed off the O.C. and forgotten until she showed off what little she has on top in a German magazine. Led Zeppelin is scary.

Boner of the Week
Dave “The Best Utahn” Matson chose "Are You Trying To Cheat The Country That Gave You So Much?" as Boner of the Week.

Sign-offs

• In the sixties', people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, so people take Prozac, to make it normal.
• If crime fighters crime, and firefighters fight fire, then freedom fighters fight...what?
  

Sick
Kerry is sick, and his voice is going. He'd like to take the day off, but he doesn't have any days left, so he'll continue to be at work no matter what. This morning he managed to cough up a big loving spoon-full and a Tonya Harding handful of phlegm. He's going to the doctor this afternoon.

Bill has plenty of days. He's forced to take some off before the end of the year. It's the stupidest policy that led to one of the stupidest days of Bill's life. He really didn't do anything. He went to the gym, and accidentally saw Gina. Fortunately Richie was no inside working out.

A Club of Culture
Boy George was arrested and charged with false imprisonment after a male model claimed that Mr. George had chained him to a wall in the singer's basement.

High School Musical On Ice is coming to town. Apart from Richie, Kerry doesn't know anyone who actually likes this High School Musical thing. Actually, Festus loves it. Bill wondered how Festus felt about chains and basements.

Our Son Kyle
Kyle has finally created what he's always really wanted to - a suicide hot line. Kyle's motto is, "DON'T DO IT!" The first call is free, but after that, Kyle charges $3.99 a minute. Kyle only has one phone line, however, so you might have to spend a while on hold listing to "Shoot to Thrill", "Jump", or "Suicide Solution." http://www.alliwantedwasapepsi.com

Boners (brought to you by a mediocre chicken and vegetable dish)
1. "I Needed To Use The Phone Where It Was Quiet": Police arrested a homeless man who apparently broke into the Valley Cottage Church in order to use the phone to call a phone-sex-line. The same man allegedly broke into another church the week before for the same reason.
(View Story)

2. "Let Me Tell You, This Is The Liberal Media At Work": A University of Columbia Journalism professor will no longer be allowed to publish his weekly column after publishing a column that plagiarized a number of quotes and phrases from a student's column.
(View Story)

3. "The Lugnut and The Wingnut": A 66-year-old man working on his Lincoln Continental severely injured both of his legs when he attempted to remove a stubborn lug-nut with a 12-gauge shotgun. The man fired the gun at the wheel of his car from arm's length and was promptly peppered by ricocheting shot and other debris.
(View Story)

The Wingnut is Boner of the Day.

Let Them Eat Cake
Gina is, once again, attacking the poor, unwashed masses. Gina feels that the “low-brow” candidate will most likely win Boner of the Day because of the new text-voting. Professional people, who will understand a more nuanced Boner, still use e-mail or phone voting. Apparently all of those poor people down at the fountain in the Gateway can afford to text message, but can't afford to e-mail.

Gina isn't really an elitist. She does lots, and lots of mainstream things. Yesterday she was watching Orpha Winkey. Celine Dion was on to meet her hordes of adoring fans. Gina had to call The Sainted Mary-Claire while bawling her eyes out – and she doesn't even like Celine Dion!

Acting 101
Yesterday, Bill was filming some scenes for Trent Harris' Delightful Water Universe. How does Bill act so well? He pretends to be the person he is portraying in the film, Vicious. How does he know what to say? Mr. Harris wrote down the words in a script. How does Bill know where to stand? Trent Harris told him. Bill had to pretend to watch Vicious' wife's airplane land at the airport. Bill then had to pretend to talk on Trent's cell phone. Bill didn't even have the script with him. Bill learned the words and used the words, but do not be confused; he is not really Vicious.

Neglected and Celeb-u-tard News
Britney apparently ran over photographer and nearly killed him. Paris Hilton is in Korean with a new endorsement deal. Paris is promoting “Hey, This Smells Familiar” brand kimchi. In the commercial, Paris is seen digging up a crock of kimchi, opening the lid, and delivering the line, “Hey, this smells familiar.” Jeri Ryan is pregnant with 8 of 9. She was impregnated by a French chef, so they'll probably name it, “Huit de neuf.” Bill is very, very impressed with the 44-pound cheese.

For Your Health
Gina had to leave the show early yesterday in order to get the little deaf kid, Festus, to Primary Children's by 9:30am. The very efficient Primary Children's kept pushing Festus' surgery back. By 11:00am, the gestating Gina Barberi desperately needed to eat, even though Festus had been fasting since the night before. Gina left Festus with The Pirate and went to the cafeteria. She earned herself a pat on the back by ordering salad with the ranch dressing on the side. Of course, Gina really wanted to have a roll with her salad, but the only rolls were cheese rolls. Facing her dilemma head on, Gina "B.M." Barberi ordered a pretzel instead. Then she dipped her pretzel into the ranch dressing. Gina considered this such a break-through! Perhaps some of those little pretzel stands should think about offering a variety of dipping sauces.

Festus finally went into the surgery at 3:00pm. When he finally came too, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I can't hear anything!" Festus failed to realize that he had cotton in his ears. Apparently the surgery went just as it was planned. Unfortunately for Festus, he didn't react very well to the anesthesia and spent a few hours puking and asking Gina if he could still go to his Halloween party. Bill suggested that Festus could come over to Little Bill's Haunted House while he was puking and just leave it there. The scariest part of Bill's Haunted House is the basement, where Mrs. Bill forces you to do laundry.

Boners (brought to you by Thaco Thursday)
1. "Global warming does not cause forest fires and might be good for your health." Before the director of the Center for Disease Control could testify before congress, The White House redacted 6 pages from her intended testimony regarding the effects of climate change on health. The redacted portion of the report stated that "forest fires are expected to increase in frequency, severity, distribution and duration."
(View Story)

In another incident, White House Spokesperson Dana Perino her perceived benefits of global warming saying, "But it is true that many people die from cold-related deaths every winter. And there are studies that say that climate change in certain areas of the world would help those individuals."
(View Story)

2. "I Need My Meds": Using forged documents to validate her connection to the Crandall Canyon Mine disaster, Hope Ellison went door to door asking for donations for the families of the victims. Ms. Ellison then used the funds to purchase painkillers.
(View Story)

3. "Momma Just Wanted to Help": After learning that her 13-year-old daughter had become sexually active, a 39-year-old Florida woman shaved the girl's head in order to make her unattractive to boys, then held her down as a tattoo artist forcibly pierced her genitalia in an attempt to make sex uncomfortable for the young teen. The woman was acquitted by a Florida jury.
(View Story)

The abusive mother is Boner of the Day.

Margaret Ruth
Sometimes musical toys go off because of ghosts and other times they go off because they were made in China. Babies often stare-off into space, but sometimes, obviously, they're looking at a ghost. Thick, evil energy will ooze down into the basement. It's not just scary because it's dark. Put some salt in each corner of the room, light a white candle, and bid the ghost farewell. If that doesn't work, perhaps you should call Tom and ask for his e-meter. If a ghost wants his privacy, by all means let him have it. You don't want to see his ectoplasm after he looks through the dirty ghost magazine showing ghosts that are completely solid. The ghost in your garage is probably just the final remains of Mr. Ghostwrench who wants to fix your car for you. Drinking doesn't make you more susceptible to all ghosts, but Dean Martin and Foster Brooks may make your acquaintance. The Irish ghosts in your house are really just trying to get away from their wives. Light a couple of white candles and sprinkle some Jameson's in the corners of the room.

Neglected and Celeb-u-tard News
The top five unsexiest, sexy women: Britney, Madonna, Sandra Oh, Amy Winehouse, and Sarah Jessica Parker. Matthew Broderick is a mole-lover and a naevus-needer. Gina doesn't really like Justin Tamberman's face. He has a nostril issue. Gina always goes straight for the dark meat.

• Vulgarity is when we don't laugh. When we laugh, it's merely human nature.

  • Roger Ebert

Moving Day
Richie was wearing his teeth and a nice sweater. The occasion? Richie was moving in with intern Damon. Apparently they found an apartment up in the avenues next to two missionaries.

Boners
1. “It's Really a Shakedown”: The city of Pasadena was ordered to pay $80,000 to a wheel-chair bound man who was removed from his chair by city police and turned upside down in an attempt to search him.
(View Story)

2. “Save 2^nd Base”: The ass. principal of a Kansas high-school has banned the sale and wearing of a breast-cancer awareness t-shirt that suggested “Save 2^nd Base”. The t-shirt also prominently featured two strategically located baseballs on the front of the shirt.
(View Story)

3. “Floor Polish Ruined My Life”: After shooting an acquaintance three-times in the leg after a drunken fight over a woman, Marco Battello explained that his actions were the result of an acute allergy to floor polish. Mr. Batello claimed that his “problems” began when he started installing floors in 1994.
(View Story)

The ass. principal is Boner of the Day.

Unforgettable Quote
“Ron Weasley's parents were always getting it on” - Bill Allred

Frost Bytes
Damages and evil Ted Danson are done for the season. It has a shocking conclusion. Dirty, Sexy, Money features a Baldwin dating a transexual. Tori and Dead are still running their bed and breakfast on their meager $500,000 inheritance from that asshat Aaron Spelling. Phenomenon has debunked mentalist Uri Gellar and Criss Angel looking for America's next great magician. Michael is exploring the world of Second Life on The Office. Scrubs is back for a final season.

Unforgettable Quote #2
“Keep Our Menudo!” - Bill Allred

Pop Stop
While Gina and Festus were at the store, Festus asked if he could get some Pop-Tarts since Daddy-Joe was out of town. Gina actually told him no. Later, however, while Gina and The Sainted Mary Claire were visiting with the new family addition, Festus was nice enough to go down and play with the one, two, and three-year-olds for an hour. When The Sainted Mary Claire went to the store, Gina asked her to pick up some Pop-Tarts for Festus.

Mary Claire then stayed with Gina for the night. As Mary Claire went snooping through the cupboards and the fridge, she was appalled. There were no snacks! This was a house with children and there were no snacks. N o chips. No Oreos. Just some nuts, string cheese, and fruit. Finally, Mary Claire settled on one of the Pop-Tarts. It was horrible.