Episode #5100
Days until contract expiration: 433

Don't Worry
Don't worry.  Sit down and relax.  Richie T. found his wallet.  It wasn't on Trax and it wasn't returned to him.  He found it.  Of course, Richie is not learning from his mistake.  He's still removing it from his back pocket and leaving it on his desk in his cubicle.  Kerry suggested that Richie needs to find a wife so he can put his wallet in her purse.  Richie would really like to find a wife so he could put his "wallet" in her "purse."  The difference is that Richie could put his wallet in her purse each and every day.  He really couldn't put his "wallet" in her "purse" everyday.

Happy National Pie Day!
Except for Bill.  He's not going to break his diet, even for a hot slice of pie.

Dinner in Cairo
When last we left Gina in Egypt, she had been invited to dine with Dr. Mohamed at The Four Seasons.  She had gone shopping for an outfit with Cousin Mai and was prepared for dinner.  Gina was excited!  She could order whatever she wanted!  She could get a steak!  There were a couple of problems.  First, Cousin Mai had already invited Joe and Gina to her house for dinner.  Gina and Joe had to attend two dinners.  Mai had already bought the lamb.  Gina, meet dinner.  The lamb was still living.  Not for long though.  By 5:00pm, the blood of the lamb was running down the street.  Also at the dinner was a plate of pastries.  One of the pastries contained cheese.  Gina's mother-in-law outed her as a non-cheese eater.  "I would eat cheese for you," said Cousin Mai.  The pastry was placed on her plate, and Gina ate it.  Gina "Picky Eater" Barberi ate cheese - and liked it.  BUT SHE'S NOT RETHINKING CHEESE!!!

After two hours of dining at Cousin Mai's, Gina, Joe, and family traveled to The Four Seasons.  As she couldn't wear make-up (because of the greiving) Gina was feeling pretty cute for what she had going on.  Cousin Mai had done well picking out Gina's outfit.  Unfortunately, it didn't really compare to Dr. Nirvana - Gina's nemesis.  In the lobby, next to Dr. Mohamed, Dr. Nirvana was wearing a floor-length silver-fox coat, a low-cut top, and beautiful blond hair.  Gina immediately began apologizing for her slumpy appearance.  She didn't stop apologizing until she was back at the hotel.

Dr. Mohamed lead the dining party up to the private dining room, with a private chef and a private wait staff.  Dr. Mohamed starts off by ordering everyone in the room a scotch.  Then, Dr. Mohamed orders an appetizer; foie gras!  At this point, Gina can see where this is going.  Gina is not going to get her steak.  Dr. Mohamed then announces, "They have the finest sushi in Cairo! We will have sushi!"  Joe starts squeezing Gina's leg under the table, trying to tell her that it's going to be ok.  Gina can't possibly refuse.  She'll insult the grandiose hospitality of Dr. Mohamed.  So, as the beautiful Dr. Nirvana sat next to Gina and thoroughly enjoyed the sushi, Gina sat miserable, gagging down each and every bite.

Boners (brought to you by yet another piece of chicken)
1. "Hey Man.  Nice Credenza":  While Merril Lynch was begining to swirl the drain, and was firing other employees, CEO John Thain was still spending approximately $1.2 million dollars of company money to redecorate his office.

2. "Way to Go Son.  Rattin' On Your Dad":  An 11-month-old child, playing with a cordless phone, accidently dialed 911.  This led police to the boy's father's 500 plant marijuana growing operation.

3. "Do You Have Any Racist Cookies Today?":  A NYC baker doesn't see the problem with selling cookies under the sign, "Drunken Negro Face Cookies."  A community group has called for a boycott.

John Thain is Boner of the Day.

Unforgettable Quote
"Crom has no time for love." - Nancy Grace

Margaret Ruth
Kids without marriage!?  Walk that there horse around to the front of the cart.  Psychics believe in science.  If you don't go to New Zealand at 20, you'll always regret it.  happy, healthy, joyful, whole people have monkey bars.  The work wife doesn't hate you.  She'll be married within ten years.

Boner of the Week
Today's Boner, John Thain, former CEO of Merril Lynch, is Boner of the Day.

Episode #5098
Days until contract expiration: 435

Sign-off

• The secret to creativity is to hide your sources.

Boners (brought to you by another little steak)
1. "Eat My Brownie Will Ya!?":  In a fight over an eaten brownie, Stephanie Anne Rydesky grabbed her father's cane and smashed him in the mouth.  Later, Ms. Rydesky allegedly set the house on fire in an attempt to kill herself.

2. "OK.  OK.  Enough is Enough":  Philadelphia Eagle's quarterback, Donovan McNabb, laughed off a prank that left an Arizona Cardinal's flag in one of the trees of his off-season Arizona home.  Similarly he dismissed another prank that left a cardboard box in the driveway that read, "Go Cards!"  The final straw, however, did not go over so easily when Rex Michael Perkins and Ryan B. Hanlon burned "Go Cards!" into Mr. McNabb's lawn with diesel fuel.  Police followed an address label on the cardboard box to Mr. Perkins and Mr. Hanlon.

3. "Look, It's Not Our Fault the Plane Crashed":  After moving Rob and Jeff to US Airways flight 1549, which crash landed into The Hudson River, Spirit Airlines attempted to collect a $90 cancellation fee when Rob and Jeff called to cancel their return flight.  After a public backlash, Spirit Airlines recanted the $90 request.

Spirit Airlines is Boner of the Day.


Things That Must Go

Bill

• A public restroom with a plunger.
• Public toilets without an automatic flush.
• Public toilets with an automatic flush that flushes before the user is up and away from the water.
• Paper towels in a public restroom sitting in a basket.
• Public restrooms  without an automatic paper towel dispenser.
• Toilet seats men have to hold up in order to urinate.

Kerry

• Weatherperson jokes.  "Mr. Randolph, the forecast calls for not being able to find your hinges."
• The attendees off Sundance who wear nothing but black clothes.
• Taking a customer waiting in line at the checkout counter, over to the self-checkout, starting five or six items, then leaving the customer saying, "There ya go!"
• People bitching about the inauguration canceling TV shows.
• The deification of Obama.  He has a lot of messes to clean up.  Have realistic expectations.
• People who don't care for Obama complaining or jibing, "So?  Where's the change?"

Things That Must Go From The Great Pyramids of Giza

Gina

• The sand and dust.  It coats your nostrils, teeth, throat, and eyelids.
• The hundreds of people continuously offering camel rides.
• The lame tour of the Pyramid, which costs $100, but consists of one single empty room.
• The pay toilets at the Pyramids.  It costs an Egyptian pound to enter, and another two pounds for toilet paper - which is ripped off a larger roll and handed to the user.  Gina chose not to use anything.
• The late night laser show at The Pyramids.

Sundance Links
The Only Good Indian - Starring bad-ass Wes Studi. 

Dirt - A documentary on soil, dirt, pollution, and water filtered by dirt and compost.


Neglected News
Sheila Buff is not attractive.  She still has a brace on his left hand from his DUI accident.  Ms. Buff refused a sobriety test, which is ok, but he automatically loses his license.  Good thing she has a Camaro what drives itself and manages to make her attractive to women who can't act, but look pretty when they are sweaty and oily.  Ben Aflack is taking another step towards crazy.  He's leaving voo-doo and Santaria in order to audit his body thetans in Scientology.  Jamima Amadon won't marry little Mayor John unless his signs a pre-nup.

Gina's Sign-off
"It's driving me insane!"

Episode #5096
Days until contract expiration: 437

Sign-offs

• The key to a good relationship is the key.  Give me back my key.
• I think men who wear earrings are better prepared for marriage.  They have experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Getting Out
After the show on the 9th, Gina was preparing to head to Cairo to bury her father-in-law who recently passed away.  In typical Gina form, she had some trouble.  First of all, Sadie had surgery last week to remove a couple of fatty tumors.  She had been leaving the stitches alone, until Friday.  She chewed the stitches out and had to be taken by the mobile vet.  Second, the dishwasher failed.  Third & fourth, the washer and dryer both broke as well.  It did not bode well.

Getting In
After 27 hours traveling, Gina and Joe arrived in Cairo.  There were about 30 people waiting for them to arrive so that the family could then proceed directly to The City of The Dead.  As Gina got off the plane, her mother in law immediately handed her a headscarf and told her to go in the bathroom and put it on.  When Gina reemerged from the rest room, her luggage was gone, presumably loaded into the car, and Gina was thrust into a car full of women she didn't know.

Getting There
The City of the Dead in Cairo is the size of Sandy.  It's enormous and it looks just like a city.  In fact, the poor people of the city live there and begin pounding on the windows of the car asking for money.  It also has it's own mosque, which is where The Jones family was headed.  The younger and more conservative members of the family felt that the women should not be allowed into the mosque for the final services for Joe's father.  Joe's aunt, Aunt Fauiza (Author's note: I don't speak, write, or spell Arabic), would have none of it.  She was going in to see her brother.  The women had to stand at the back of the mosque as the men gathered around the casket as the imam read passages from the Qur'an.  Although Gina couldn't understand a word, it was beautiful.  It sounded like poetry

From the Mosque, the family traveled over the dirt roads to the Jones' family plot.  Years ago, Joe's father had the road in front of their plot paved.  Again, the young, conservative members of the family wanted the women to stay out of the actual burial process, but Fauiza was to the rescue once again.  In Islamic tradition, Joe's father was removed from his casket by the men of his family and placed, within a light shroud, directly into the Earth.

Getting Fed
After the beautiful ceremony came the part of the trip that all Gina's fear the most... The dinner at Aunt Fauiza's.  Actually, Gina needn't have worried much.  There was some delicious lamb that Gina was OK with.  Then grape leaves stuffed with lamb and rice.  Flat-bread, hummus, etc.  It was delicious.  The only problem was that Gina would eat something from her plate and the hovering Aunt Fauiza would immediately replace the consumed item.  There was never an empty place on her plate.  When Gina tried to explain to Aunt Fauiza that she was getting full, she replied, "Don't you love me?"

Getting There Part 2
Aunt Fauiza lives in Nassr City, a specific section of Cairo, and it was an hour drive back into downtown to the hotel in which Gina and Joe were staying.  As such, there was plenty of time to talk politics with family members Achmed and Osama.  The Egyptians do not care much for their president.  He wins every election by 98%.  Oddly enough, the people seem to have noticed that something fishy might be going on with the votes.  The Egyptians also despise our current president, George W.  They even subscribe to all of the conspiracy theories regarding Mr. Bush's involvement in the destruction of the World Trade Center.  On the flip side, they have high hopes for the presidency of Barack Obama.

Driving in Egypt is a joke.  Kerry would love it.  There are no lanes, no speed limits, no nothing.  When arriving at a hotel, you can't just pull the car up and unload all your passengers.  Each hotel allows one car at a time to enter a security check-point where a bomb sniffing dog and several armed military guards inspect the vehicle. 

Getting Dressed
The next day, the family attended the memorial service for Grandpa Jones at a huge mosque.  In some ways, it was much like a traditional U.S. funeral; you arrive at church with all the family, friends, and colleagues.  There was a little program about Grandpa Jones and his life.  Here, however, things began to diverge.  The men were allowed in one room whilst the women were diverted to another room.  The women's room was full of folding chairs and had the sound from the men's room piped in.  There was no milling about, or chatting.  Just sitting quietly for............four.................hours.

After the service, a Dr. Mohamed invited Gina and Joe out for dinner the following night at The Four Seasons.  Gina had not packed anything nice enough for a dinner The Four Seasons.  Fortunately, Joe's cousin, Mai, was willing to help.  Mai was the only member of Joe's family to wear the full burkha, but she was very, very excited to take Gina shopping!  Tomorrow?  No, "We go now!"  So, at 10:00 at night, Gina and Mai headed to the mall.

Mai knew all the great clothing shops and promised to pick something nice out for Gina.  Gina had resolved herself to wearing whatever it was that Mai picked out, no matter how horrible it was.  It wasn't horrible at all.  Mai had great taste and picked Gina a gorgeous outfit of dress pants and a grey wool sweater/coat/cape thing.  Mai also had an interesting view of American life.  From watching Dr. Phil, Orpha Winkey, and Entertainment Tonight, Mai must believe that The U.S. is peopled with nothing buy rednecks and celebrities.

On their way out of the mall, as Joe had been infected with Re's Revenge, Gina decided to get him a new pair of underwear from the Calvin Klein store.  Gina didn't realize the exchange rate and ended up paying more than $50 for a single pair of underwear.

Boners
1. "This Wreath Looks Familiar":  Robert Dendy of Tanawanda New York was arrested after giving a holiday wreath to the Tanawanda Police department.  The wreath had been reported as stolen from a nearby shop.

2. "Fun With Headlines":  Covering a story about a new center for shaken baby syndrome, the New York Post began the story with the headline, "Kids Get a Fair Shake."

3. "Pleasure and Death Behind the Wheel":  A British man will serve eight hears in prison after a DUI that killed two people.  In the course of the trial it was revealed that, besides being drunk, the driver was also participating in the sin of Onan.

The New York Post is Boner of the Day.


Sundance Interviews
Prom Night in Mississippi is a documentary featuring Morgan Freeman and the first racially integrated prom in Charleston, Mississippi.  In 1997, Mr. Freeman  offered to pay for a prom as long as it was integrated.   Everyone refused.  Filmmaker Paul Saltzman asked Mr. Freeman if the offer was still on the table and he replied simply, "Alright."

Mississippi Damned.

The Clone Returns Home a sci-fi movie from a French director.

Once More With Feeling is a musical drama-comedy featuring Linda Fiorentino, Chazz Palminteri, and Drea Dimateo in a bowling alley/karaoke bar.

Shouting Fire is a documentary on free speech in the United States and the witch-hunts that often accompany unpopular speech in times of war.

The Messenger stars Jenna Malone, Steve Buscemi, and Woody Harelson.

Stay the Same Never Change features a group of girls, the secret, strange things women do to find live, and a hornless unicorn t-shirt.

Before Tomorrow is a drama about the Inuit people of Alaska previous to meeting the folks from Europe.

Episode #5092
Days until contract expiration: 443

A Bad Start
Bill was cleaning out the text message bank and found a couple of disturbing messages.  First, "does bills hair smell as bad as it looks?"  No.  Richie smelled it.  It smelled like mint juleps.  That's just due to the fact that Bill vomited this morning and accidently dipped his hair in the blue liquid.  The second message asked, "how many times to you replay the same thing?"  As many times as they can before knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers like you start to complain.

Dress Uniform
Bill has successfully worn his uniform for seven days in a row.  His uniform consists of a long-sleeved black t-shirt and blue jeans.  The jeans he'll wear for a day or two, but teh shirt, socks, and underpants are changed every day.  Richie has been wearing the same pants for seven days.  He just doesn't care.

Cultural Exchange Update
Somehow, Gina managed to call the studio from Egypt this morning.  She had to be quick as it was really expensive, but the funeral is over.  Joe is as sick as sick can be.  Something about "King Tut's Revenge."  He's not wanted to drink anything but hot water for days.

Boners
1. "Especially a Numbnut Like Me ":  Joe Wurzelbacher, the man with 2 minutes of fame remaning from the John McCain Presidential campaign, is now pretending to be a journalist in Israel.  Mr. Wurzelbacher, seeming unaware of the First Ammendment to the U.S. Constitution, has voiced the opinion that "media" should be banned from reporting on war.

2. "How Come Caroline Kennedy Gets Special Treatment and I Don't? ":  The mother of the teenager who impregnated the daughter of Governor Sarah Palin was arrested after police officials discovered Sherry L. Johnston conducting drug transactions via text messages.  Mr. Johnston has been allegedly selling oxycontin for some time, but law enforcement delayed execution of a search warrant until Ms. Palin's campaign for Vice President was over.

3. "Hey, 911?  I Didn't Get My Beer.":  After selling his 14-year-old daughter in marriage to an older man for cash, beer, soda, and meat, a Greenfield, CA man called 911 to report that he had not received the payment.

The daughter selling father is Boner of the Day.

All About Gina
The Radio From Hell broadcast really is all about Gina, but she shouldn't let it go to her head and get a vanity plate.  One F.O.P. saw a California vanity plate that read, "D.I.V.A.G.I.N.A."

David Lee Roth Memorial Neglected News
The Goldgen Globs may be rigged.  Oh God!  Bill doesn't like The Golden Globs because too many celebrities are in one vulnerable location.  Oh No!  Paula dropped her phone in the terlet.  Huh!?  Megan Fox needs more attention from Brain Dallas Blue.  Ahhhhhhhh Yeeeaaahhhh!  Vanessa Hugginkiss didn't want to meet Richie before loosing her innocence.  No.  It's true.  Oh God!  I know.  Oh!  Howie had a heart attack.  He had a g*dd*mned myocardial infarction.  Or maybe it was just germs what killed the maritian.  Yeeeeaeaaahhhhh!

Richie's Sign-off
"It's gonna be out of the South-South-West at 6 miles-per-hour ladies."

Episode #5090
Days until contract expiration: 447

Change of Plans
The show began wrong.  "The usual gang of misfits and dope addicts are here."  Gina was not winging her way to Cairo.  Apparently, traveling with casket is somewhat more difficult than just getting on a plane.  Today Joe has to travel to San Francisco, to the Egyptian consulate, in order to obtain proper papers to allow for the importation of a human body for burial.  There's no way to fax or e-mail the request; it must be physically signed.  Even FedEx is too slow.  So, Gina and Joe will be leaving tomorrow and, when they land in Cairo, they will need to proceed directly to the necropolis. 

Leave 'em Flustered
Over the holidays, Richie attended a holiday party.  When Richie T. arrived, one of the hosts loudly announced Richie's name.  One of the female guests began to exclaim, "Richie T?  Richie T?  Richie T?"  Then, she passed out.  Fainted dead away.  Apparently she was a pretty big fan of the show, specifically R. Thomas Steadman, and just became overwhelmed.  Unfortunately for Richie, the event tainted the rest of the night with several melodramatic reenactments.

Boners (brought to you by popcorn)
1. "Katie Couric's Been Exploiting Me ":  No one was paying any attention to Governor Sarah Palin, so Ms. Palin decided that it was time to complain about the media coverage she received during the campaign.  According to Ms. Palin, Caroline Kennedy, who is seeking to be the Senator from New York, is being treated much more kindly by the press.  Ms. Palin specifically criticized Katie Couric, who was harsh enough to ask what magazines Ms. Palin read, and Tina Fey, who imitated the Vice Presidential candidate on Saturday Night Live.

2. "I Left Your Mary Kay Order on The Porch":  When a 31-year-old Florida woman heard the doorbell ring, and did not recognize the Jeep Cherokee blocking her driveway, she decided not to open the door.  Later, a friend knocked on the door and indicated that the visitor had left something behind; a pile of feces and toilet paper and an "overwhelming" stench.  A neighbor noted the driver of the Cherokee as a heavy-set woman who was selling Mary Kay products.

3. "Another George Bush One Fingered Victory Salute":  Traditionally the President Elect temporarily stays at a large and secure government owned property, The Blair House, previous to moving into The White House.  When President Elect Obama asked to move in, the Bush administration indicated that he could not as Bush supporter and former Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, was scheduled to stay in the home for one day before receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom.  Instead, President Elect Obama and his family have been staying at the Hay-Adams Hotel in Washington.

President Bush's final "[hug] you" to Barack Obama is Boner of the Day.

Wrinkled Colon
Bill can neither confirm or deny the rumor that Dick Cheney left a steaming pile of human feces outside of the Hay-Adams Hotel in Washington, D.C.

The Grasshopper and the Ant
Gina is storing up for the upcoming famine on her journey to Egypt.  Bill doesn't understand why.  Doesn't Gina know that, in Cairo, there will still be a Chili's, with it's ridiculously large, plastic red pepper hanging over head.  Hell, at the very least they'll have a Mac-Donald's....  with delicious fries cooked in goat fat.... MMmmmm...

Boner of the Year 2008
Online voters chose the 1st quarter Boner as Boner of the year; "It's CleanFlix".

Gina's Sign-off
"You Can't Stop Me Fate!"

RFH - 2008-01-08

Episode #5089
Days until contract expiration: 448

Sign-off
"I'm a vegetarian.  Not because I love animals, but because I hate plants."

Cut-offs
Richie has given up.  He's growing out his sea-captain beard, wearing slouchy clothes, and giving up.  He doesn't have a show to look good for, doesn't have a girl, and it's January.  Bill and Gina implored Richie to at least keep his neck shaved.  Gina suggested that perhaps Richie should really dress nice if he doesn't want management looking at him for an excuse to cut costs - you know, dress for the job you want to keep.  Bill suggested that, in that case, Richie should just walk around, with his pockets hanging out of his cut-off jeans, asking everyone if they want to see the two-eared elephant's trunk.

Cultural Exchange
At midnight tonight, Gina and Joe head to Cairo to lay Joe's father to rest in the necropolis there.  Apparently Gina gets to travel First Class from New York to Cairo.  Bill suggested that she get on the plane and immediately ask for a few glasses of Champagne.  Gina didn't want to do that.  This isn't a pleasure trip.  This is for a funeral.  Fine, Gina, then rend your garments and weep the entire way to Egypt.

Boners
1. "Can You Survive In Jail?":  An Oregon man was arrested in California after allegedly pointing a laser pointer at a sheriff's deputy.  The man appeared on the porch of a local resident, knocked on the door, and asked to stay for the night.  The homeowner refused.  The stranger then began to get undressed and told the homeowner not to worry about him, he could survive anywhere.  The homeowner called police, who came to evict the man from he porch.  The stranger then pulled out a laser pointer and began shining it on the officers.

2. "Dear John.  I'm Sorry.  Signed, Uncle Sam ":  The U.S. Army sent out more than 7,000 letters to families of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan that were all addressed to "John Doe."  The government has apologized for the "printing error."

3. "This is a Violation!":  Republican Senator and reactionary Michael Waddoups is concerned that "lay citizens" may be forced to see alcoholic beverages being mixed and prepared whilst in a restaurant.  Mr. Whaddoups would like to hide the bar, alcohol, and mixing of cocktails from all restaurant patrons, a task that Melva Sine of the Utah Restaurant Association says will cost more than $100,000 per restaurant.

Senator (and reactionary window-dresser) Michael Waddoups is Boner of the Day.

Ask A Circus Performer
Circus performer Brian Hutson is a native of Utah and is currently one of the clowns, trampolinist, and divers in a Chinese circus.  Mr. Hutson was a dancer in the 2002 Olympics, and worked for 5 years as a diver at The Mayan restaurant.  The circus isn't a traditional traveling circus.  It's more of a Cirque de Soleil event, attached to an amusement park.  The finale of the show involves Mr. Hutson diving from an extreme height whilst wearing bird costume.  Although he isn't paid a lot of money, he also has very few expenses while staying in China.  The Chinese people treat him very well, and he has a lovely Chinese girlfriend; he even got to see the well she was almost drowned in after she was born. 

Medical care is somewhat lacking in China.  When he broke his foot in three places, Mr. Hutson was taken to a nearby hospital.  After a week of lacking care, and a cast that crumbled off, Brian simply went back to work.  He has an appointment with a doctor here in Utah tomorrow morning.

Par for the Course
It seems that Gina has missed every broadcast at Sundance for the last several years.  First there was Jonesie, then Li'l Mohamed, and now a funeral.  Richie isn't sure he can take it.  With Gina gone for so long, Bill and Kerry start hating each other, and Richie is caught in the middle and Richie just can't TAKE IT ANYMORE!  Oh, and Gina's promise that she'll never miss another January isn't worth the electrons it's written on.

Jeff Vice
Jeff only saw one movie this week, Grand Turino with Clint Eastwood.  Jeff is a fan of Mr. Eastwood, but this movie was like a giant, "Get off my lawn!" scene.  2.5 stars.

Jeff's 10 Best Movies of 2008
    10.   Role Models
    9.     Frost/Nixon
    7.     Dark Knight
    7.     Iron Man
    6.     Revolutionary Road
    5.     The Visitor
    4.     Rachel Getting Married
    3.     Waltz with Bashir
    2.     The Wrestler
    1.     Wall-E

Jeff's 10 Worst Movies of 2008
    10.    Sex and the City (Gina doesn't care.  She swallowed the entire lovin' spoonful of plot)
    8.     Hancock
    8.     Seven Pounds
    7.     Delgo
    6.     Four Christmases
    5.     Love Guru
    4.     Everybody Wants to Be Italian
    3.     Meet Dave
    2.     The Spirit
    1.     The Happening


Gina's Sign-off
"Bring me a Gellabiya."

Our sincerest condolences to Joe, Gina, Jonesie, Li'l Mohamed, Festus, and the entire "Jones" family.

Opening Song
"My Town" - Buck-o-Nine

Sign-off
"He who laughs last, hasn't heard the bad news."

Cultural Passing
On Monday, which was Jonesie's birthday, Joe's father passed away at the age of 87.  Joe's father was the only practicing Muslim in the local family, so Joe's cousin, Mohamed, had to come in to supervise the religious rites and ceremonies at the Islamic Center in Salt Lake City.

Cultural Disaster
Joe's father requested a burial in Egypt, which means that Gina "Traveling Pants" Barberi will be accompanying Joe to Cairo.  Cousin Mohamed was kind enough to instruct the entire family in Islamic Funeral and Egyptian Culture 101.  Gina won't be forced to wear a burkha, but she will have to eat anything and everything given to her.  Usually the food will be prepared by a family member, and the hostess of the meal will prepare a plate for the guest and watch as the guest consumes the food.  Refusing any food is an enormous insult.  Gina is not looking forward to her first tast of goat meat.

Though not in a burkha, Gina will have to dress very conservatively.  Bill suggested that Richie might have an old pair or two of Knee Shorts that Gina could borrow.  Or maybe she could hit "Modest by Design."  The Egyptians, however, will likely see through her ruse and declare that she is Mormon modest; not Muslim modest.

Sue suggested that perhaps Gina should go ahead and wear the burkha.  She'll be dressed modestly and she'll be able to hide food inside.  She can add some different pockets for bacon, pop-tarts, diet soda, and protein bars.

Boners (a perfectly good pizza that those little wretches wouldn't touch)
1. "Without Your Money, We Couldn't Pay For This Ad ":  After securing emergency funding from the government, Chrysler decided it would be wise to purchase a number of full page newspaper advertisements in order to thank the U.S. taxpayers for bailing out their failing business.  Some of the advertisements ranged from $112,000 to $264,000 per ad.

2. "We Ain't Singing Britney Again, Beeotch":  During a family holiday party, two men began arguing about which song they should sing on the karaoke machine.  The fight escalated and the attacker grabbed a large kitchen knife and stabbed it into the chest of the other man before fleeing.  Party guests lead authorities to the attacker and he was arrested.

3. "I'm Shocked.  Shocked I Tell You":  Existing Republican National Committee chairman, Robert Duncan, was "shocked" when RNC chair hopeful Chip Saltsman distributed a "Christmas CD" that included the parody song, "Barack the Magic Negro."  Apparently the song was originally concocted and played on the Rush Limbaugh show.

Chrysler and their "Thank You" ads are Boners of the Day.

New Year's
Bill didn't go out for New Year's and simply hosted a few guests back at The Allred Estate.  Most of the day he had been wearing his lava-lava, and was going to change into pants, but ultimately, did not.  The night went rather smoothly until Bill shifted his position on the couch across from his contractor's wife and flashed his "goodies."  The victim of Bill's indiscretion was not quiet about what she had seen.

Kerry just had a dozen people over to his place for beverages and drunken Guitar Hero.  They did the champagne at midnight and when asked what his New Year's resolution would be, Kerry replied, "To crush my enemies, to see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentations of the women."

Gina and Joe just put the kids to bed, drank some champagne and watched the animated corpse of Dick Clark stumble through the countdown.

Christmas
Bill got an ipod, homemade bloody mary mix, and a beaded curtain.  Unfortunately, Mrs. Bill didn't have enough beads to actually finish the beaded curtain, which is only as wide as Bill.

Gina got new dressy uggs.  They'll be perfect for Sundance.  With a little stripper glitter, she'll fit right in with all the famous people.

Kerry got a 30" Batman action figure that looks just like Christian Bale.  More accurately, Sue got a 30" Batman action figure as Kerry has not seen it since she ran off with it.  He also received some plastic bubbles, that are likely very toxic.  Kerry's favorite gift, however, was the box of Quisp cereal that Sue managed to find and order online.  Kerry's Christmas morning breakfast was a bowl of Quisp served up in his Batman cereal bowl.  The Joker was still at the bottom.  Oh, and there was a plastic USB powered humping dog.

Richie got a desk - like an adult, from his Mom.

Gina's List of Things She's Thankful For
Gina didn't prepare for the show today, so she has no Things That Must Go.  Instead, she'd like to thank some people:

• Because of Joe's father's passing, Jonesie had kind of a crappy birthday.  No party.  No nothing.  The Sainted Mary Claire suggested that they just go out and get something to eat - and they could order some cake or something for Jonesie.  Jonesie declared that she wanted a shake.  Where do you go for a Shake in Ogden?  The IHOP of course.  Unfortunately, when they ordered the shake, the waiter indicated that their shake mixer was broken.  Mary Claire spoke up, "That is unacceptable."  She then instructed the waiter to place some ice cream in a microwave with some chocolate syrup and then mix the whole thing up in order to make a shake!  Thanks to The Sainted Mary Claire and the patient and understanding waiter.
• Thanks to Summer, the Ogden chick at the Checker store that replaced Gina's windshield wipers so Gina could sit in the car, out of the snow and rain, and finish her fries.

Things That Must Go

Gina

• None.

Bill

• Gina's list of Things She's Thankful For.
• Conservative asshats using the phrase "redistribution of wealth."
• Joe Lieberman
• Ann Coulter
• Lynne Arave and his "Every One's a Winner" column.

Kerry

• Conversations with the clerk at the store checkout.  No one cares that you quit carbonated beverages six-months ago.
• The moving roadblock of two or three shuffling people.
• Going to a Ute football party and having several people ask, "Where's your red?"  Kerry wore brown, the color of booze, because that is why he came to the party at all.
• When asked, "Do you like coffee?," reply with a polite, "No, thank you."  It's rude to answer, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Gina's Sign-off
"I'm Going to Egypt."