Episode #4873Rough Morning
Kerry was a bit off his game this morning. First of all, he stayed up late last night. Second he forgot his espresso. Third, and most disturbingly, he forgot his pills. Kerry takes eight different pills in the morning. About 1/2 of them are vitamins, and the others are various anti-psychotic pills that keep him from murdering either Bill or Gina.
What Knobs!
Today featured the first performance of the headset microphone on the Peggy Ijams Memorial Tie-line. The headset is hoped to allow Gina to better fuss with Mohamed and still make occasional comments for the benefit of the show. At first, Gina did not think there was mechanism for turning off the microphone when Mohamed began to wail. Gina, who doesn't know her knobs from a hole in the ground, turned one knob, but it didn't do anything. When Bill, who knows nothing about the equipment Gina is using, suggested that it was absurd that the box only had one knob that didn't do anything, Gina explained, "That's the knob." She then proceeded to turn another knob, which, oddly enough, cut her microphone. Gina really should give her knobs a daily twist.
Superbowl Trivia
As Kerry and Sue sat home and watched The Superbowl, Kerry was paying close attention. During an "interview" with Tom Brady and Terry Bradshaw, Kerry noticed a physical characteristic the two quarterbacks shared. Then the name of Joe Montana came up, Kerry decided to do some research. It turns out, if you're looking for a successful quarterback, odds are the man will have a "butt-chin."
(Author's note: Former BYU quarterback Steve Young shares this trait as well - to a somewhat less cavernous degree.)
Responsibility, What's That?
As Bill was talking on the phone with his son Dylan, The Former-Mrs. Bill told Dylan to remind Bill that he needed to transfer some money to her bank account. Bill is usually pretty good about remembering his child support, but this time it slipped his mind as he had just deposited $400 for Dylan's books. The Former-Mrs. Bill had been pestering Dylan to call his father for the money. After years, Gina finally realizes how to get money from "The Pirate." "Festus! Call your father!"
Boners (brought to you by Unka Todd's carnitas)
1. "Neal Boortz is Nothing But a Butt-Cheek": Political commentator Neal Boortz, on his radio show, reading from a January 30, 2009 AP report on withdrawal of John Edwards from the Presidential campaign said:
BOORTZ: I like this: "Edwards' campaign will end the way it began 13 months ago, with the candidate pitching in to rebuild lives in a city still ravaged by Hurricane Katrina. Edwards embraced New Orleans as a glaring symbol of what he described as a Washington that didn't hear the cries of the downtrodden." Cries of the downtrodden, my left butt cheek. That wasn't the cries of the downtrodden; that's the cries of the useless, the worthless. New Orleans was a welfare city, a city of parasites, a city of people who could not and had no desire to fend for themselves. You have a hurricane descending on them and they sit on their fat asses and wait for somebody else to come rescue them. "It's somebody else's job to get me out of here. It's somebody else's job to save my life. Not mine. Send me a bus, send me a limo, send me a boat, send me a helicopter, send me a taxi, send me something. But you certainly don't expect me to actually work to get myself out of this situation, do you? Haven't you been watching me for generations? I've never done anything to improve my own lot in life. I've never done anything to rescue myself. Why do you expect me to do that now, just because a levee broke?"
And then Edwards said, yeah, it was Washington's problem, it was all Washington's problem, it was all George Bush's fault. You had a city of parasites and leeches, and that's George Bush's fault? So, boy, I need to slow down. I'm saying too many of the things I actually believe today.
2. "We Sell Mattresses. We Don't Read": London-based Woolworth's stores will no longer sell a bed for young girls under the brand name, "Lolita." "Lolita" is the infamous title character of a Vladimir Nabokov novel. In the novel, Lolita is a 12-year-old girl who is assaulted by her stepfather.
3. “I Call It The 'Weed-List'": The seller of a substance creatively coded as "mary jane" was arrested after listing the product on the classified-ad website Craigslist. The advertisement was read by police officers who arranged a meeting with the seller at a McDonald's. The suspect was promptly arrested.
Neal Boortz is Boner of the Day.
Public Intoxication
On Saturday afternoon, Bill returned from his remote and, since he had no plans, settled in to a couple of cocktails. Later, however, Mrs. Bill announced that they would be having dinner with some friends. They decided to go for some seafood, particularly crab. When they arrived at the restaurant, they found it extremely crowded. The wait was an hour and a half. Bill and Mrs. Bill phoned their dinner companions and told them about the situation. As their companions didn't live far away, Bill and Mrs. Bill walked to their house and Bill enjoyed another set of cocktails. In fact, as they were later returning to the restaurant, Bill had a "kegger-cup" full of gin and tonic. Bill ran into an old friend and her good-looking husband, but couldn't remember his name. They had a long and boisterous conversation before Bill regrouped with his dining party for the meal. During dinner, he had a couple of glasses of wine. The next morning, Bill woke up a little embarrassed. Kerry doesn't understand why Bill told this story. Is it out of the ordinary? Sounds like Kerry's typical weekend.
Bill Frost
This TV season is shot. Welcome To The Captain stars a good-looking Rachael Welsh and a talented Jeffrey Tambor, but it just isn't funny. The New Adventures of Old Christine is entertaining, but no one is watching. The Puppy Bowl should have cute puppies. The finale of House. The finale of Survivor. The debut of the latest Sex and the City clone, Lipstick Jungle. VH1 has a watchable comedy in Free Radio. It's kind of like a live action Space Ghost. The Grammy's. IFC has a new sketch comedy show for fans of Kids in the Hall entitled The Whitest Kids U'Know. It's a bit hit-and-miss, but the hits are funny.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Howard Huge is no longer carried in the Parade magazine. If you are an F.O.P and show up in another medium (magazine, radio show, etc.), let Radio From Hell know about it.
Neglected News
Ol' Banana Boobs refers to Jamima Amadon. Ol' Saggy Boobs refers to Kirsten Dunst, but her official name is Ol' Snaggletooth. Snaggletooth was supposed to appear at Sundance, but she was feeling a bit gassy. Tom Petty looks like hell. Eva Mendez is in Utah and in rehab. Radio From Hell is looking into sending her a Cuban sandwich from Two-Bit Street. Paula is putting out a new CD entitled, I Have To Clean Up The Diarrhea Everywhere I Go.
