RFH - 2009-11-17

Episode #5300
Days until contract expiration: 135
Edition 1073 of Atropos' blog.
Day 49 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 358 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Long-Winded Summary
Coco Bongo is like a crazy nightclub, show, and concert at the same time. They keep the populace well lubed with adult beverages as Mambo #5 plays, KISS impersonators sing, and Spider-man Battles The Green Goblin. In fact, Kerry is rethinking his opposition to the Spider-man musical.

Bill was ripped off by a Taxi driver who drove him approximately 20-feet. Cost him $5. Sue was not so bullied. The taxi-driver told Sue that it would be $5. When they arrived at their destination, he demanded $10. Sue threw a bunch of pesos at the driver (about $6.50) and said, "That's all you're getting."

Gina went to get herself a "mani" and "peddi" (manicure and pedicure) and had her fingernails painted. She NEVER gets her fingernails painted, and she got them painted red. Bill predicts that when she gets home and sees Joe he'll regard her fingernails and say, "You know I don't like it when you look like a whore. Kids, don't look at your mother. She looks like a whore."

Whilst Gina was getting all whored up, a douchebag American came in for a haircut. He actually had the huevos to ask the elderly lady cutting his hair what "pendejo" means.

Bill has been telling his children not to feed the agoutis because he saw one of them eating a human finger. Really. It kind of looked like a French Fry, but then Bill saw that the little rodent had it up in its hands and was eating around a wedding ring.

Bill also learned that Mayan food is very similar to tourist food. He went to a restaurant advertising Mayan cuisine and had flank steak, butterflied shrimp, chicken fingers, and a "Mayan Chocolate bomb." Real genuine Mayan food.

The conservative talking heads like Hannity, Limbaugh, and Beck are lying to you. After talking with a Canadian and British citizens, they are not coming to The United States for their health care, they don't understand why we don't want universal healthcare, and they love their universal healthcare systems.

Bill gave the first discussion to a couple of Canadians he met. They began to ask about The LDS church, so Bill gave them the basics. Richie was proud that Bill actually managed to hit four of the five major subjects of the missionary first discussion. After that, Bill and The Canadians went down to the topless beach to debate healthcare.

Whilst down at the beach, Gina asked Kerry to watch her purse and she went out in the water. "Gina going swimming? The hell you say?" Oh, Gina was not about to go swimming - not in the ocean with all kinds of creatures and waves and things. Gina just waded out until the water hit her knees, put her hands on her hips, stuck out her gut, and tried to have a deep thought. Really! She was taking it in!

After a late evening/early morning of alcohol and sex-free fun, Richie and his not-girlfriend woke up at 6:00am and took a ferry over to the island. He had paid for a scuba class and was going to meet the people over there. Unfortunately, when they arrived, "Daniel" was not there to meet them. After asking about, they met Adolof, whom they were assured, "is like Daniel." They spent 15 minutes learning to scuba, then headed out to the ocean. Not-girlfriend was slightly freaked out, but eventually they began having fun - until Richie dove too deep too fast and popped his eardrum. After that, they left the water and went on a scooter trip around the island.


Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

RFH - 2009-08-06

Episode #5228
Days until contract expiration: 238
Day 8 of Gina's Most Newest Morning Meander

Opening Song
"More Human Than Huma.........When World's Collide" - White Zomb.....Powerman 5000

Exercise
Richie likes to fist to Rob Zombie and Powerman 5000.  He likes to aerobicize to Michael Jackson, Whitney Brown, and Kenny Loggins.  When fisting, Richie does not use the three-pounders.

Mixer
People seemed to really enjoy the bowling mixer last night.  The only problem Bill had was trying to get a beer for he and his wife.  The bartender demanded to see an ID for each beer served.  Mrs. Bill had left her ID at home.  Could Bill order a pitcher of beer?  No.  To order a pitcher, at least two people have to be present, with their IDs.  Could Bill order a beer and come right back?  No.  If he returned too quickly, they had to cut him off.  Could he just share the beer?  No way!

Boners (brought to you by a patty-melt and chicken noodle strippies for Little Mrs. Bill and Gina)
1. "I Was Drunk Because I'm Fat":  A driver and his attorney are disputing a DWI offense claiming that the driver was incapable of passing the "step-toe-step-toe-turn" portion of the Field Sobriety Test because he was too obese.  The driver refused to take a breathalyzer and then failed the officer's tests.

2. "I Feel Pretty":  Trying to find a perfect dress for a drag-queen act, three men managed to steal hundreds of formal gowns and wedding dresses valued at more than $30,000.  Authorities are still looking for 200 more dresses that have yet to be accounted for.

3. "Don't Embarrass the Judge":  The long-time clerk of Weber County Judge Craig Storey claims that the judge admitted to inappropriate sexual harassment after she complained to the state's judicial oversight commission.  Mr. Story admitted to calling Marcia Eisenhour on the day her father died to tell her that he loved her, and that he had authored an 11-page sexually explicit poem about Ms. Eisenhour.  The Judicial Conduct Commission decided to admonish Mr. Storey in private rather than in public and sent him back to work.

Judge Craig Storey and the JCC are Boners of the Day.


Ask The Lunch Lady
Ms. Susie is a lunch lady for an elementary school in the Salt Lake School District.  Each week the meals that she serves are analyzed for calories, nutrients, fiber, and other dietary requirements.  The school offers four choices every day; one hot meal and three cold lunches.  They even offer substitutes for children with food allergies.  Peanut-butter is no longer a welcome food in school cafeterias, which has led to the disappearance of the peanut butter cookie and the peanut butter bar.  The oven at the school is big enough for Ms. Susie to get into.  Haystacks are delicious, but not popular with the students.  Pizza, on the other hand, is very, very popular.

Jeff Vice
The studios are a bunch of whining babies and won't screen GI Joe because they know it probably sucks even more than Transformers 2 (but it is shorter).  They are even hiring additional security to early screenings to ensure that no critic is allowed to see the movie early.  Jeff's review should be online by 9:00am tomorrow.

Oh Horton is about a laid of train engineer.  It's full of quirks, kind of slow, but entertaining nonetheless.  3 stars.

The Cove is a must-see movie.  Yes, you'll be depressed.  You'll be sad.  You'll never want to eat sushi again.  You'll never want to go to sea world again.  "Dolphin farmers" in Japan herds together thousands of dolphins in a cove, dolphin trainers pick the ones they like, then the rest are slaughtered for food.  Besides the depressing portions of the film, it actually feels something like an espionage thriller because they are so secretive of this practice.  3.5 stars.

Perfect Getaway is pretty much a by-the-books thriller.  You won't really be surprised, but it's kind of fun.  2 stars.

Julie and Julia is a movie about Julia Child and a blogger who attempts to cook many of Ms. Child's recipes.  It even references the famous SNL skit starring Dan Akroyd.  3 stars.

Gina's Sign-off
"Hey dam guy!"

Episode #5190
Days until contract expiration: 302

Opening Song
"Salt Lake City" - The Dwarves

Roast Chicken Intern?
F.O.P Ben Webster (who may or may not be the former "Li'l Wienie Intern") wrote in and offered to give Bill a brand new Ron Popeil Showtime Rotisserie oven.  Ben has been trying to get rid of it and is happy to give it to Bill.  Bill thought it was a great idea.  Now they could have Roast Chicken Wednesday at the studio.  It's easier than the wienie crockpots - after all, Bill just has to "Set it and Forget it."  You don't even have to take the chicken out of the wrapper; it's just that easy!  Kerry suggested that Bill might want to take a moment before setting and/or forgetting it to stuff a few things up the chicken.

Boners
1. "I Was Just Trying to Help":  An Ohio man was arrested after he refused to stop mowing the unkempt grass at a local public park.  John Hamilton claimed he was just trying to make the city look nice.  The city has made major buget cutbacks for seasonal maintenance.  Mr. Hamilton was charged with disorderly conduct.

2. "Next Week We're Going To Publicize Launch Codes":  US Government reports marked "highly confidential", that included detailed maps of civilian nuclear sites, were inadvertently published on a government website after being sent to congress for review.  The reports also included maps of the locations of nuclear weapon fuel stockpiles.  The report has since been removed from the website.

3. "So Who's Gonna Pay The Damned Rent?":  Cynthia Roberson (51), is accused of leading a "gang" of armed robbers on a mugging spree in Phoenix, AZ.  Roberson allegedly used guilt to motivate her two sons, (12 and 14), and five other residents of her apartment to steal cell phones and wallets in order to pay her rent and car loan.

The guilting gang-leader is Boner of the Day.


Unforgettable Quote
"I'd go fart with you in the dark." - Richard T. Steadman

Things That Must Go
Bill

• People who use shopping carts as garbage cans.
• Blister packs.
• A package of 12, supposedly, black pens that also includes two blue pens.
• People who make their crappy cars sound loud.

Gina

• Gina is no longer pregnant.  In fact, her youngest, Li'l Mohamed, is now a toddler.  Gina is still wearing maternity bras, but won't go bra shopping.  Gina's laziness must go.
• Advertisements that offer special insurance to people born between 1925 and 1969.  Gina's not even 40 and now she qualifies for old-people insurance.
• The food that was brought in by a fine restaurant yesterday, but is still in the hallway today.

Kerry

• Revving your motorcycle engine after you start it.
• John & Kate.  It's pro wrestling.  It's phony and it's not real.
• Movie theaters that put Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past in the big THX theater instead of Star Trek.  Uhura's chest is much more impressive than Matthew McGonakey's.

• Kerry's past arch-enemies include Conway Twitty, Ty Pennington, and Kanye West. Kerry's new arch-enemy, Spencer Pratt, and his beard, must go. 

I'm Not Stupid. I'm Just Different.
Gina doesn't drink water.  She likes flavor with her fluids.  Now, she's been justified.  Dr. Oz, of the Glinda Oz's, told the super-enlightened audience of Orpha Winkey that a study of two twins proved there was no real need to drink water - people got plenty of fluids from the food they ate.  In conclusion, Gina admonished that, "Water is for suckers." 

Fortunately, and F.O.P wrote in with the actual facts of the study.  Apparently Dr. Ozma went on to say that the study was only looking at skin elasticity and no other health affects of drinking water.  Gina apparently turned of the TV as soon as Dr. Ozma said, "However...." [click!]

Back At It
On Sunday Night, Bill overdid.  He abused his good friend alcohol.  He began with a couple of martini's before dinner, a glass of wine or two with dinner, and then a steady combination of PBR and High West Whiskey after dinner with Unka Todd.  Monday morning, Bill swore off the drink.  The response was dramatic.  F.O.Ps from across The Wasatch Front called and e-mailed Bill, begging him to forgive himself of his trespasses and return to the light.  Bill took their advise to heart and, yesterday afternoon, took back his friend with a couple of PBRs and a shot of Paul White's Kentucky Bourbon.

Neglected News
Megan Fox has phony ass-nails.  These posterior cuticles apparently keep her from carrying her own flashlight, and Sheila Buff must carry a torch to light her way.  That leaves Ms. Fox free to help Sheila with her physical rehab.  Brooke Hogan is a good, wholesome girl, who is not dumb at all, Brother! 

Gina's Sign-off
"Water's for suckers."

Episode #5188
Days until contract expiration: 304

Sign-offs

• "Honey, music comes from what's in your heart, not what's on your teeth."
• "I don't know who I am anymore.  I feel like that guy in WAM! after George Michael left."  ("Andrew Ridgely!?")

The Aftermath
After last night, Bill has decided that he isn't drinking anymore.  He doesn't often drink to excess, but last night was an exception.  In fact, even Mrs. Bill commented, "I don't see you drink very often."  The last thing Bill remembers is watching the chinchilla take a dust bath.

Band Name?
After the Strut Your Mutt event, Gina had to walk, home with a soaking wet poo-shoe.  She had spent the day reminding everyone to clean up after their pets so that Sugarhouse Park would allow the event next year.  So what happened?  Gina stepped in a big pile of soft and squishy dog-feces.  How did she know it was so soft and squishy?  Well, it squeezed into her sandals and between her toes.  She washed her foot off as best as she could in the pond then had to walk home in a soaking wet shoe covered in poo.

Boners (brought to you by the end of drinking)
1. "It's a Damned Cartoon People":  People think that there is too much smoking on The Simpsons and that it will make children want to smoke.  People?  It's a damned cartoon.

2. "...And So I Bit Her":  Taking a co-workers invitation to "Bite me" literally, the training coordinator of a Connecticut police academy indeed bit the woman causing teeth-marks and bruising.  After a complaing was filed, Captain Francis Woodruff resigned his position.

3. "If You Get Hit with a Bucket of [...], Be Sure to Close Your Eyes":  After discovering that his wife had a one-night stand with a co-worker, the spurned husband decided to inact revenge upon his rival by posting phony flyers indicating that the man was a sex-offender, pouring liquified feces over the victim's car, and throwing a bucket of liquified feces on the man's apartment balcony.

The people what think The Simpson's is making children smoker are Boners of the Day.

Broken Dreams
The first CD Richie every purchased was by Neil Sedaka.  Now, Radio From Hell has been offered an opportunity to interview Mr. Sedaka and Richie would really like them to accept that opportunity.  No.  No.  No.  If anything, Richie can interview him off the air and then Kerry, Bill, and Gina can make fun of it on the air.

Bill Frost
Conan is sunburning in L.A. with Will Ferrell and Pearl Jam.  According to Jim, Jim Belushi will stand trial in Heaven for his crimes against the sighted with his repeated removal of this shirt.  The Keith Richards of crime shows, Richard Belzer, can't find his glasses.  The Listener will solve crimes as it sucks.  Tosh 2.0 makes fun of the internet.  Pushing Daisies is burning off it's three final episodes.  Neil Patrick Harris will host The Tony Awards.  Gene Simmon's is back for his reality show; the reality show more scripted that any other show.  Army Wives premiers.  Brook Knows Best premiers with Hulk Hogan's line-backer of a daughter.  Denise Richards still gets it rough.  Kendra is also E! worthy.  Z-Rock is a great show.

Unforgettable Quote
"Those NPR people are too tightly wound.  They're not gonna fart." - Kerry Jackson

Episode #5174
Days until contract expiration: 325

Opening Song
"Robots" - Flight of the Conchords

Sign-offs

• "Excuse me... I just wanted to ask a question. What does God need with a starship?"
• "Please, sir, not in front of the Klingons."

Comedy Trouble
On Friday, Radio From Hell interviewed stand-up comedian Jamie Kennedy and his girlfriend, Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Mr. Kennedy was performing four shows in Salt Lake City.  Richie was supposed to take them on a tour of Salt Lake city on Saturday afternoon, but they never called him back.  This morning, Gina ran into the owner of the comedy club and asked how the shows went.  Um.... eeehhh..  Mr. Kennedy and Ms. Hewitt were fine, but Ms. Hewitt's mother was high maintenance .  She's the kind of woman who travels everywhere with her daughter and always takes her little dog along with her.  Also, she needs copious amounts of vodka or, failing that, Bud Light.

Boners (brought to you by Unka Todd's carnitas)
1. "I Don't Like Broccoli"  A TGI Friday's restaurant in New York has opened an investigation into an incident in which a severed snake head was found in a side of broccoli by a restaurant patron.  Scientists analyzed the head and found that it hadn't been cooked, so authorities are focusing on the kitchen staff.

2. "Terrorism.  What Would You Do?":  A Colorado school has come under fire after a history teacher assigned students to spend two minutes to come up with a plot for an act of terrorism.  In response to the criticism, the school collected the assignments and destroyed them.

3. "I Hope I Win the Raffle ":  The shoplifter of a Liquor Store in Connecticut was caught after filling out a ticket for a raffle.  The thief had one bottle already in his pocket when he stopped by the counter to fill out a raffle ticket.  He then snatched two other bottles and made for the exit.  The clerk let him go and simply removed the only ticket from the entry box.  Police found the thief at the address indicated on the ticket.

The school of terrorism is Boner of the Day.

A Shared Experience
In reference to Boner Candidate #1, Gina related a story from her waitress days at The J.B.'s.  She once had a customer claim that she put a grasshopper in a glass of iced tea.  Bill once found a piece of string in a chili burger he ordered.  He wasn't too horrified by the first little piece, but then there was another longer piece of string.  He pointed it out to the manager and was promptly kicked out of the restaurant.  If Bill had been the man he is today instead of a high school student, things would have gone much differently.  Kerry once found a cigarette butt in his mooshu .  He pointed it out, but the waiter wasn't bothered by it.  Finally he offered Kerry 1/2 price off his own meal.  Kerry informed the waiter that he would not be paying for anything.

Unforgettable Quote
"Isn't that something?  Well, I'll be darned." - Bill Allred

Changes
Bill is no longer drinking in public.  He doesn't like people to see him crying.  He even waits until the children are in bed before he takes one look at the bottle of gin and descends into tearful wailing.

Bill Frost
The season finale of Big Bang Theory.  House is done for the season.  He'll be sure to nearly kill his patient before curing his oldism.  Castle is probably gone for good.  Riki Lake does some skank wranglin' on the new season of Charm school.  Fringe is like the X-Files with prettier people.  Lie to Me is not the mentalist.  Ben will have his face beat in on the two hour finale of Lost.  Grey's Anatomy also should be beaten in the face.  My Name is Earl is still on.  Numb3rs takes on some math terrorists.  MadTV is over forever.  New Squidbillies on Sunday.

Artie's Friend
Kerry and Sue are shopping for a new friend for Artie.  Citing their requirements of a low-maintenance dog for the elderly, they believe they've settled either on a Pug or a French Bulldog.  Bill disagreed with Kerry's choice on the pug.  Bill's daughter purchased a pug and that dog is not low-maintenance.  Kerry countered with the claim that the dog is adaptable to the environment it was in.  Gina disagreed with the choice of a French Bulldog.  It's unnatural for a pet to be so over-bred and engineered that they can't have sex and can't give birth naturally.  It's a good thing that Kerry brought his dog issues to the show for a floor vote.

Gina's Sign-off
"Boobs for decency."

Episode #5149
Days until contract expiration: 360

Opening Song
"Salt Lake City" - The Dwarves

Sign-off

• "Cheese: Milk's leap towards immortality."

Boners (brought to you by shepard pie)
1. "Dinkle?  You're Banned from Graduation":  A Catholic high school in Ohio has banned Jeni Dinkle from attending her son's graduation ceremonies.  The 53-year-old Ms. Dinkle is a convicted and registered sex-offender, who engaged in an inappropriate relationship with the 15-year-old friend of her son.  The boy in question no longer attends the school, her son has been fighting cancer, and she received permission to attend from her probation officer.  Still, the Catholic high school has insisted on banning her from all activities.

2. "Take a Picture.  It'll Last Longer":  A man facing eviction bared his buttocks and genitals to his landlord and dared him to take a picture of it.  His landlord did take a picture and the man has been charged with public indecency.

3. "It's a Bag of Porn":  A giveaway bag at a Baby Show in Australia included a novel depicting graphic sex.  Page two in the novel describes a man engaged in the sin ofOnan.  Organizers of the baby show have apologized and indicated that the sex-filled books were included by mistake.

The school officials banning Ms. Dinkle are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
Rescue Me is back.  Lesser television shows include Surviving Suburbia, The Hills, Trust Me, The Unusuals, The Office, Parks and Recreation, Southland, Krod Mandoon and The Flaming Sword of Fire, Friday Night Lights, and The Rock of Love Bus and it's slimy, slithering stop.

Party Time
Gina's sister threw a birthday party for her daughter.  She invited "Cinderella", who dressed the part and really got into character.  She played games with all the little girls, painted faces, read stories, answered questions.  Cinderella only made one big mistake.  When she told all the little girls that she had to go back to her castle, someone asked where her castle was located.  "Disneyland," she answered.  Wrong.  Disneyland is home to Sleeping Beauty's castle.  Cinderella's castle is inDisney World.  Kerry pointed out that neither was entirely accurate.  Those castles belong to their respective Princes.  They just let the princesses live there. 

If you need a guest at your next party, you can book Bill Allred to appear as either Gimili or King Vitamin.  Kerry, on the other hand, will be appearing as either Larry Flynt (with a fascinating lecture on the 1st amendment) or The Dog Whisperer.

Another Story About Richie and Keys, But Keep Reading
Friday Night, Richie was staying at an undisclosed downtown location.  He had been partying all night.  First, The City Weekly party.  Second, his eight-year-mission reunion, and, finally, the Tavernacle.  He had just got back to his place when he received a text message from a girl he had dated once or twice.  She was out dancing and wondered what Richie was up to.  It happened that the club where she was dancing was right next-door to where Richie was staying.  He arranged to meet her out in front. 

Richie waited about 10 minutes when she appeared; bleeding profusely from the nose.  It was all over her face, her hands, and her shirt.  She was intoxicated and had fallen down.  Richie led her upstairs in order to get her cleaned up.  Richie managed to stop the bleeding and cleaned her up as best as he was able.  He then sat her down whilst attempting to figure out what to do next when she promptly began to vomit into her hands.  It went everywhere.  She was covered in her own sick.  Richie wasn't exactly sure what to do.  He doesn't have a lot of experience caring for the intoxicated.  From the movies, however, Richie had learned that the drunk enjoy a nice shower.  He striped her down (yes, naked) and put her into the shower.  Richie then called Bengineer, who stays up late and knows about drinking.  Bengineer told him to watch for blood, but otherwise, just let her sick it up and go to sleep. 

At this point Richie decided that she probably wasn't going to make it home, so he asked about her four children.  Her ex-husband had been caring for the children until 10:00pm, but after that, they were just home asleep.  Richie found her phone and called her mother, who he had briefly met, and informed her that her daughter would not be home and that she would have to go over and take care of the kids.  Richie then asked about her car.  She had given her keys to someone at the bar.  Now Richie had to go down and find her car.  He did so and found the car and the inebriated passenger of the vehicle caked in more vomit.  He told the passenger that he/she would have to find another ride home, retrieved the keys from her/him, and then locked up the car. 

He returned to his domicile and proceeded to help his friend out of the shower.  Then he noticed some blood underneath her.  It turns out that she was not pregnant and, of course, did not have anything with her to assist in the situation.  At 2:30am, Richie had to venture forth and purchase tampons from the 7-11.  He returned with the needed products as well as some clean pajamas from his car.  At this point, Richie had to be to work in 3 hours, but didn't feel that he could leave her alone at his place.  So, he had to take her to work with him.  Luckily, Simmons has a couch, so he pushed it into the studio and she slept during Saturday morning's edition of The Richie T. Experience.  After his shift, he drove her to her car and she drove away.  Fifteen minutes later she sent a text message asking, "Are you mad at me?"

When relating this story to his own mother, Mother Richie asked, "But you liked seeing a woman naked, right?"

Gina's Sign-off
"This is a real radio show."

Jeff Says, "Since I live up here, I wanted to assist you with some possible critiques
that have a PC twist of the adult beverages you will enjoy."

• "Very enjoyable, but it does not have the "walkability" Park City needs."
• "Well, that is almost as weak as House Bill 347."
• "That's so Fruity and Flaming, it could only be served in Park City."
• "Neither Edgar or Lessing Stern would ever order that."
• "Hemingway would have taken Paris to order that at the Ritz."
• "Ewww,  Sprite Please......"
• "That could heal Ted Ligety."
• "Holy Jupiter bowl, Batman."
• "Ewwww, no boarders allowed."
• "That is so good, it needs to be made behind the Zion curtain."
• "I want to donate blood and come have another of those."
• "Why ruin a good drink with a fruit portion."
• "I would only enjoy that in a bowling alley."
• "That needs to be the Geek Show Signature beverage."

Cheers,
Jeff "Futzer" Anthony

RFH - 2009-03-24

Episode #5140
Days until contract expiration: 373

Sign-offs

• "I've said it before; equations are the devil's sentences."

• "Giving a fly eye-glasses is like giving a bear nunchucks."

The Sainted One
The Sainted Mary Claire has told Gina that she was anxious to be Bill's FaceBook friend.  Bill indicated that The Sainted Mary Claire must only ask to be his friend.  When Bill clicked to accept Mary Claire's invitation, it indicated that they would be friends as soon as Mary Claire made the final approval of the friendship.  Like everyone, Bill is required to jump through hoops for Mary Claire's affection.

Boners (brought to you by cashew chicken)
1. "Don't You Know Who I Am?":  F.O.P Jamie, who owns the store Trendsetters in Salt Lake City, advertises on X96 as well as another radio station.  The female "talent" on the other station agreed to do some live ads in exchange for in-store credits at Trendsetters.  In December, the radio personality came in and got a shirt, settling the account - or so Jamie thought.  She returned on March 21st and sought to return the shirt because it had two holes in the sides of the shirt from the tags.  Jamie thoughtfully demonstrated on an identical shirt that the tags were not on the side of the shirt, but up in the neckline of the shirt.  If nothing else, it had obviously been worn and laundered for at least three moths.  Still, the "googly eyed troll" insisted saying, "I'm no ordinary customer."

2. "Dirty Little Skate Rats":  Lewis Smith set a skateboard ramp on fire because they owners refused to keep it out of the road.

3. "No Fartin' in Lakeland":  A school-bus driver in Lakeland, FL suspended a student from the bus for three days because he was allegedly passing gas in an effort to make other students laugh.  The driver felt that the stench was so bad it was difficult to breathe.  This action comes on the heels of a November incident in which a student was arrested for farting whilst in class.

The "googly-eyed troll" is Boner of the Day.

The Asian Flush
Yesterday, Kerry related that his wife, Sue, occasionally gets "splotchy" when she drinks too much.  Kerry's friend Scott turned purple when he drank too much.  Not Bill.  He just throws up on to his shoes.

Neglected News
Jebus didn't go with Madrona to the Bru Swillis Sweating.  Sack Effrin will not be in the remake of Footloose.  Instead he'll be insulting the Indian people as Johnny Quest.

Don't Take Artie to Lakeland
Kerry's dog, Artie, has been having some trouble with dry skin and a dry coat.  Kerry changed up his food to one that contained more fatty oils that help condition the skin.  The problem with that, however, is that Artie has a tendency to gain weight.  As a compromise, Kerry is now mixing the good food with a diet food.  The penalty, however, for changing a dog's food is an unbelievably gassy dog.  Artie has now become "Artie Fartie", the dog with the horrendous gas.  This caused Bill to think; maybe he needs to stay on a more consistent diet for the sake of Mrs. Bill?

Gina's Sign-off
"Pound cake."

Episode #5135
Days until contract expiration: 380

Sign-offs

• "Latest defense for intelligent design?  Darwin was gay."

The Forest and the Trees
Gina wants to discuss Big Love, but Kerry and Bill still haven't seen it.  Kerry saw the Temple scene, but hasn't seen the whole thing.  Gina was upset that Doug Wright and his listeners were all complaining about it without having seen the context in which it was placed.

Our Son Kyle
Kyle wanted to take F.O.Ps on a tour of his "Crib."  "Kyle's Lair", as he calls it.  It isn't like the MTV show that will make you feel bad about the things you don't have.  Kyle's "Cribs" is going to make you all feel better about yourselves.  Here's Kyle's microwave.  Its on the floor.  Its on the floor because the cabinets were installed in such a way as to make it impossible to put it anywhere else.  Kyle's fridge is standing loose, in the middle of the floor.  Most kitchens have a specific place for the fridge, but Kyle removed the wall from behind the fridge.  Kyle's bathroom has been newly remodled with a Sloan Flushmaster 3000.  He installed it himself.  After removing his old toilet, Kyle was surpised to find that it was just a hole in the ground!  There's no bio-mechanical process pulling the....stuff....down and out of the house!?  See ya! 

Boners (brought to you by hot dogs)
1.  "Damn Seal Lovers Need a Lesson":  In a protest against the upcoming seal hunt, activists were using a toy seal splashed with fake blood.  A bus driver, seeing the protest, pulled over, exited his vehicle, and began viciously attacking the stuffed pinniped.

2. "Senator Grassley is Committing Ritual Stupidity":  In response to the ridiculous AIG bonuses, Senator Charles Grassley, the top Republican on the Senate Finance Committee, suggested that the executives at AIG should deal with their problems in the Japanese way and, "resign or go commit suicide."  The second part of this Boner is KSL's Amanda Dickson wondering (paraphrased from RFH), "What if one of them did commit suicide?  Can you imagine!?"

3. "We're Fat.  Give Us Our Money ":  Phillip Chawner and his wife both weigh more than 300 lbs. each.  Their two daughters are also both obese.  The Chawners have not worked in more than 11 years, claiming that they are too obese too work.  They are demanding additional government assistance.  Mr. Chawner was quoted as saying, "What we get barely covers the bills and puts food on the table. It's not our fault we can't work. We deserve more."

The lazy, fat, and ungrateful Chawner family are Boners of the Day.


You're an Awful Mother
Each evening, Gina sets out clothing for her children to wear.  Derelict in her duties as a mother, Gina forgot that today was St. Patrick's Day.  She laid out a pink outfit for Jonesie.   She had to rush out of the studio to call Joe and make sure he put her into something green.  Joe did so, but Jonesie was upset because she was already dressed!  Gina has to make sure that her 3-year-old daugther knows that she may just very well be 1/12th Irish and an heir to the pirate throne of Ireland.

Slurp
Joe also sent Gina an e-mail about dinner.  Joe wants to put together the traditional corned-beef and cabbage meal.  The corned-beef, however, takes a while to cook, so Gina will have to start it before he gets home.  She'll have boil the meat with onions, carrots, celery, parsley, bay leaves, and cardamon pods.  Cardamon pods!?  What are those?  Bill helpfully instructed Gina that they probably occupied one of the many spice jars that sit in the cabinent in front of her iPod.

Played for the Fool?
Bill was concerned that he was being taken advantage of.  He repeatedly appears in the photography book, I Am Ogden (available at http://www.ogdenbook.com).  He was sent an e-mail by the book's author offering him, Bill Allred, a 20% discount.  What?  No free book?  Don't they know who he is!?  On the other hand, Twix knows who Kerry is and sent him a box of promotional junk.  Gina "Munchy McCandy-Face" was
very impressed.

Rules for St. Patty's Day Amatuer Drinking Night
1. Get rid of all the Irish-themed flair.
2. Stop telling everyone that you're Irish.
3. Don't get as drunk as you possibly can.  You're a rookie.  Take it easy.
4. Don't drink any non-Irish brews.
5. Stop using fake Irish accents like Kerry does.

Drinking Quotes

• “The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.” Martin Mull
• "Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly, and they use too much vermouth." Steve Allen
• "Work is the curse of the drinking class."  Oscar Wilde
• "It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it." W. C. Fields
• "You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline." - Frank Zappa

Gina's Sign-off
"The chocolate's melting."

Episode #5123
Days until contract expiration: 399

Vertigo
Gina has vertigo.  More correctly, she is suffering from vertigo as a result of her cold.  Of course, as vertigo is sometimes defined as, "a dizzy and confused state of mind," it might be argued that Gina is suffering from a constant state of vertigo.  As a result, Bill stole Gina's "Her" energy drink.  It must be for girls since it comes in a pink can.  Kerry wondered if it tasted differnent to girls, but since Richie won't drink energy drinks, they weren't able to tell.  Kerry doesn't care for energy drinks.  They don't seem to have much effect on him apart from helping him win belching contests.  Energy drinks or Diet Sprite.  Bleeeeaahhh...  Richie can't stand Diet Sprite, or Diet 7-up, but he does like Caffeine Free Diet Coke.  Not Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi.  Bill doesn't understand that.  Though they don't taste the same, they're both fine colas.  When Bill goes to the bar and they don't have Wild Turkey, he doesn't just have water, he orders a different whiskey - but without the cola.  Bill finds whiskey and cola to be a waste of good whiskey.

Boners
1. "Some of our Legislators are Loons, Plain and Simple":  Republican Senator of Orem, John Valentine, wants all restaurants in Utah to erect 10-foot walls between patrons and bottles of alcohol.  Mr. Valentine also wants to change the definition of intoxication to include anyone that acts in any way visible intoxicated.

2. "Like His Character in Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood is a Racist Ol' Bastard ":  In an interview with a German newspaper, Clint Eastwood, "You can only tell them today with one hand over your mouth otherwise you will be insulted as a racist," he told Germany's Der Spiegel magazine in an interview."  He went on to say, "I find that ridiculous. In those earlier days every friendly clique had a Sam the Jew or Jose the Mexican - but we didn't think anything of it or have a racist thought."

3. "Raised by Dogs":  An alcoholic mother left her daughter, now aged three-years-old, to be raised by her dogs.  The toddler was found walking on all fours, gnawing on bones, and clinging to her canine protectors for warmth.  She only knew two words, "Yes," and "No," and would most often growl when someone came near her.  When the three-year-old was taken into custody by authorities, the girl's mother claimed, ""I do look after my daughter."

Some of our legislators are Boners of the Day.  Plain and Simple.

Jeff Vice
The Jonas Brothers movie wasn't screened.  It sux.
"Street Fighter:  The Legend of Chun Li"  was not screened.  It sux.

The Velveteen Rabbit is an OK adaptation of the classic children's book.  2 stars.

Waltz with Bashir is a fantastic animated documentary about one man's experience in the Israeli army during the Israeli occupation of Lebanon.  It's grim, but so riveting.  4 stars.

Gina's (kind of) Sign-off
"<bock><bock><bock><bock>"

Episode #4975

Opening Song
"Free Time" - The Aggrolites

Giving Up
Yesterday, Peter of Squatters brought Bill some beer.  Unfortunately, Bill had ridden his bike, which meant taking the beer home would prove rather difficult.  Bill asked Richie if he would take the bottles and leave them with Mrs. Bill.  Sure.  Gina wasn't sure that Richie should be doing that.  Isn't Richie encouraging Bill to break the W.o.W?  Well, Richie has kind of given up on Bill, so it really wasn't a problem.  It wasn't as if Bill would just decide not to drink the free beer.

Boners (brought to you by some Chinese)
1. "WTF?  WTF?":  The randomly assigned license plate numbers in North Carolina have recently been spitting out sequences containing the three letters "WTF" in a row.  The three letters are frequently used for an abbreviation of a potentially offensive phrase.  North Carolina will replace the plates for free.

2. "Did You Say 'Cube Steak' or 'Pube Steak'?":  The former cook of an Indiana steakhouse has plead guilty to inserting hairs into a customer's steak.  Ryan Kropp was allegedly upset that the customer claimed his steak was overcooked.  The customer refused a replacement steak, but Mr. Kropp prepared another steak medium-rare for the customer to take home.  The customer called the restaurant and police after finding the hair in the steak.

3. "Have You Seen My Kids?":  After a four-day bender on crack-cocaine, Lisa Vantunana appeared a a police station to inquire about the location of her children.  Ms. Vantuanana did not recall leaving the children with a baby sitter and claimed that several people told her that she had either smothered them or dropped them out of a moving car.  Fortunately neither case was true and the children were found safe with a babysitter.

The crack-smoking mother is Boner of the Day.

Margaret Ruth
You're gonna have to wait for your new and cute boyfriend to work his way out of the closet.  Men from Iran are part of the axis of evil, but they are goooooood lookin'!  John is way too sweet.  He needs to stay sweet until he can go on his mission.  Living in a naval town, use a condom and wrap your rascal two times, because you'll want it to be joyless and without sensation as a punishment for waiting 10 years to get married.

Finally!
The Blue Boutique finally made good and brought a ball-gag for Gina.  Unfortunatley, Gina can't wear it - she has a gagging problem.  Kerry felt sorry for Joe.  Kerry perfers the "Marcellus Wallace" red ball-gag as opposed to the pink "fantasy" brand.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose "I Need a Drink" as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"Ball-gag?  I don't get it."

Episode #4961

Sign-offs

• What's the definition of a will?  It's a dead giveaway.
• "I just thought you should know - I take my coffee with a little milk, two sugars and a lot less of your bull."

Manly Pride
Kerry and Bill appeared in this year's Gay Pride parade.  Gina was supposed to be there, but Joe's annual manly camping trip was more important.  Joe and his man-friend had to go on a four-hour beer-run after forgetting their beverages.  Bill thought that was pretty manly - forgetting essential supplies.  Kerry disagreed.  It would have been manly if they had remembered the beer but forgot the toothpaste. 

Regardless, Gina had to stay home with the kids and Kerry had to tell everyone he met that Gina had been kidnapped by lesbians.  Of course, he had to stop telling people that when someone took the joke too seriously.

The anti-gay protesters were out, of course.  Gina doesn't understand why they are always so angry.  They talk about God, but isn't a close relationship with God supposed to bring people joy and happiness.  No.  That's just Gina's hippie God.  Their God is the god of the Old Testament - the one who once sent hungry bears to devour children because they dared make fun of crazy ol' Elisha.  That is Kerry's all-time favorite Bible story.

Boners (brought to you by some steak)
1. "We Are Smart At West Lake High School":  The principle of a Ohio hi skool has bin embarased buy a speling eror on this years dimploma.  The error went unnotticed til the ducuments were delivered to more than 350 stoodents.

2. "Dick Dickinson and His Secret Porn Collection":  A formerly-beloved Illinois youth football coach was sentenced, last week, to six-years in prison for posession of a very large and disturbing collection of child pornography.  Police raided the home of Mr. Lindsey "Dick" Dickinson and found more than 1,300 images - many of which depicted violence against young boys.  Mr. Dickinson coached eighth-grade football for more than 36 years and volunteered as Santa Claus each December.

3. "We'll Sell This Gas When The Price Gets Really High":  A couple in Dartmouth , MS caused an apartment fire that necessitated the evacuation of 15 people.  The fire was caused when 45-gallons of gasoline, stored in plastic jugs, were ignited by the apartment's air-conditioning unit.

Dick Dickinson is Boner of the Day.

Raindrops Keep Falling My Head
On Friday, before the single-parent mixer, Gina called Bill.  Bill was on another line and asked Gina to call him back in just a minute.  Gina rebuffed, telling Bill to just call her when he was done.  When Bill called back, not 30 seconds later, he was sent right to Gina' voicemail.

Gina called right back.  "It's raining."  Thanks for the update Weather Bug.  Gina was concerned that the event would be rained out.  She wanted Bill to call "somebody."  Bill didn't need to call anyone.  If it rained, Bill and Gina would be huddling under the nearest shelter with several of their closest Friends Of the Program.  Fortunately it was just a little drizzly.  Bill grilled up some great food and everyone had a great time. 

I'm A Party Girl
Saturday night, Bill and Mrs. Bill got a babysitter and went out.  At dinner, Bill managed to say something....unnecessary.  Mrs. Bill was very unhappy, and Bill made it worse by refusing to let it go.  When the check came, Bill accidently knocked a glass of water over, right into Mrs. Bill's lap.  Perfect.  At this point, Bill just wanted to do anything to make it better.  Mrs. Bill wanted to go for a walk by herself.  Bill didn't want to let this fester, so he insisted on going with her.  They walked the entire mile to Faustina.  Gina was astounded!  A whole mile!?  Yes.  A whole mile.  At Faustina's, they ordered some drinks and salads and sat out on the patio.  It was a little cold, so they started out as the only people on the patio.  Shortly thereafter, however, another couple were seated nearby.  They started talking between themselves, whilst hiding the conversation behind the menu.  Finally, it turns out that they were great Friends Of the Program.  The Blands.  They had drinks with The Blands for 45-minutes.  As they were walking home, Bill remembered that Trent Harris had invited him to a birthday celebration.  They walked to Mr. Harris' and Bill shared a copious amount of good whiskey with Ken Sanders and his beard.  The next morning, Bill wasn't really ready for The Gay Pride parade.  Fortunately, when he arrived, someone immediately handed him a cup of beer.

Gina's Sign-off
"Not Radio From Hell shawls?"