Episode #5152
Days until contract expiration: 357

Opening Song
"Roots Radicals" - Rancid

Sign-offs

• "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
• "I'm gonna live forever or die trying."

Sweet Dreams
Last night, Bill had a disturbing dream about Richie.  Richie was upset and complaining that, "I just can't do it anymore."  Bill got pissed and yelled, "Then quit!" then told Richie that he could consider himself fired.  Then Bill found himself wondering if Richie ever got tired of being so nice and being taken advantage of - like in his recent drunken girl vomit story.  Richie gets asked to do all kinds of things because people know he'll do it and won't say, "No."  It does get a little wearing on Richie.  About every four to six months Richie has to climb over and hide behind his wall for a bit. 


Cult of Personality
Gina wishes that they hadn't done the TV yesterday; she looked as if she weighed 500lbs.  Bill comforted Gina, informing her that the camera visually adds at least 10lbs. of weight.

Bryan Woolley, the chef of KUTV, apparently does not know the difference between chicken fried steak and chicken fried chicken.  The first, is mad with steak, the latter is made with chicken.  Mr. Woolley made chicken fried chicken, but repeatedly referred to it as chicken fried chicken.  Unfortunately, Gina ruined the show.  She was in charge of breading the flattened chicken breasts and Bill was in charge of frying them.  Gina put way, way too much flour on the meat, which burnt in the pan.  Gina tried to pass the mistake off on Bill as he should have noticed the extra breading and knocked it off.  Bill's only mistake was letting Gina help cook.



Boners (brought to you by a pot-sticker salad)
1. "I Love Tofu":  The Colorado DMV has rejected a request from a vegan who wished to evangelize her love of tofu with her vanity license plate.  Officials of the DMV claimed that "ILVTOFU" could be misinterpreted as something offensive.

2. "I Didn't Get No Extra Shrimp in There":  A Texas woman called 911 when she didn't get as much shrimp in her order of fried rice as she felt was deserved.  The restaurant refused to issue a refund to the woman, who left before police arrived.

3. "Fart Again and I'll Stab Ya!":  A Waco man was stabbed in a motel room whilst eating with a friend when he refused to control his flatulence.  The "friend" warned the man to stop expelling his flatus.  When he did not, his associate threw a kitchen knife at him, then stabbed him in the chest for good measure.  Jose Ramirez was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.  The victim is expected to recover.

The fart-stabber is Boner of the Day.


Ask an Exotic Animal Handler
Gina clucked and chickened out of this particular interview.  The snake wrapped around Bill's neck and staring was too much for her.  Bill's new accessory was an eight-foot long, 40lbs., albino Burmese python.  "Whitey" eats rabbits and large rats about once per week.  Snakes really don't have personalities.  They have more of their only behavioral traits and conditioned reactions.  If you lose a snake, look for warm places - behind the fridge, heater vents, or around dryer vents.  In some countries, pythons are still hunted for food and leather.

Tarantulas can't kill you.  They can bite you and cause very, very, very painful wounds.  Most of the tarantulas in Utah are actually pretty docile and you're allowed to keep them as a pet - but make sure you know the time and effort it will take to keep it.  Tarantulas also kick off the hairs of their abdomen, which can be irritating to the eyes and nose.

http://www.creatureencountersinc.com


Jeff Vice
The Cake Eaters is a quirky movie about a quirky Kristen Stewart who has a quirky problem and hangs out with Bruce Dern's quirky nose hair.  2 stars.

Everlasting Moments is aptly named.  131 minutes of Swedish family dysfunction. 

Hannah Montana.  Jeff is not a 12-year-old girl.  As such, he wanted to claw his eyes out.  If he were a 12-year-old girl and a fan of crappy country music, this movie would probably suit him just fine.  Be warned, there is a "hoe down", which apparently results in some kind of abortion-based sub-plot.  2 stars (1 for Jeff, 3 for 12-year-old girls).

Observe and Report.  The anti-Paul Blart.  It's an uncomfortable movie, but Seth Rogen isn't the lovable goof-ball that he normally is.  In fact, the audience can't decide whether to root for him or root for his swift demise.  Anna Farris is very funny, and Ray Liotta is getting out of his shell and acting as a hard, no-nonsense cop.  A disappointed 2 stars.


Neglected News
90210 smells like a litter box.  Jumpym Tambermann is massaged by a heavy-ham fisted woman.  Jesus is not alright with Madrona.  Now she likes polo.  Bill's children will not be recieving peeps or Easter baskets of any kind.  Gina's children, on the other hand, will be eating chocolate eggs, peeps, and watching the Easter story on TV.  Kerry was confused - which Easter story?  The story about Jebus coming back.  For Easter, Richie is sending two well-dressed young men to Kerry's house with a video to explain the whole story.  That's fine with Kerry.  He can just lift drops off the video tape.  Kerry isn't really anti-religion.  Religion just seems like it would take too much time, and is way too open for interpretation.  There just aren't any burning bushes around to tell Kerry exactly what God is thinking.  Bill doesn't know much about the burning bush, but he does have some ointment to treat it.

RFH - 2009-01-30

Episode #5105
Days until contract expiration: 426

Boners (brought to you by a piece of steak)
1. "I Needed MapQuest":  Making his way to court on burglary charges, Anthony Bridger managed to chalk up one more charge as he was seen exiting a residence with a laptop computer.  Mr. Bridger claimed that he needed the laptop to get directions to the district court.

2. "I Miss My Brother":  A Michigan man has been charged with breaking into a gas station, smoking cigarettes, and drinking alcoholic beverages.  Authorities were alerted to the crime when the perpetrator himself called 911 to report that he wanted to be arrested so he could spend time with his brother, who was already serving time.

3. "Is There No Privacy?"  Police in Everett, WA overheard an alleged drug dealer attempting to make a sale over the telephone as he sat in one of the bathroom stalls of the police station.  He was arrested and found in possession of oxycodone without a prescription.

The privacy-needing drug dealer is Boner of the Day.

An Invitation
Kerry and Sue are attending another wine pairing at Lugano's Italian restaurant.  Last time, they invited Doug Fabrizio and Mrs. Doug.  Before that, Bill and Mrs. Bill.  This time, Kerry is inviting Joe and.....Gina?  No.  Richie.  As Kerry pointed out, Lugano's doesn't serve bread-sticks, nor an bottomless iceberg lettuce salad.  Gina will just ruin the evening for everyone.  Richie is invited because he doesn't drink and will be the driver for the evening.  Besides, Richie could use a gourmet meal.  Joe is more than willing to attend.  He's also happy to help Kerry split Richie's portion of the wine.

Margaret Ruth
Keep camels out of your relationship.  Paige is a great, young American who is not too picky, but needs to stay away from the Ogden High boys.  Always get your love advice from Yoda.  Use a condom, you will.  When 10 years have passed, married you will be.

L is for Nothing
Gina had a little argument with her three-year-old, Jonesie, last night.  She was reading a book on the alphabet.  When she arrived at E, Gina read, "E is for Elephant."  Jonesie was incredulous.  E is not for Elephant.  L is for *EL*ephant.  Duh!  Jonesie is right.  The alphabet must be amended.

Guiltless Violence
Bill had a strange dream last night, with a strange result.  In his dream, he was shaggin' some balls.  Baseballs.  Someone was hitting baseballs towards him, and Bill was attempting to field them.  At one point he reached out to catch a ball and, *smack*, he hit Mrs. Bill - in the real world - in the face, waking them both with a sudden, "HEY!"

Neglected News
George Clooney likes him the stripers with two pees.  The Bus will perform at the Soup or Bowl.

Boners of the Week
The doll company from Wednesday is named Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"What?  I'm here."

Episode #5054
Days until contract expiration: 519

Halloween Tips
Make sure to take your kids up to Federal Heights for the good candy.  Just take them up above the frat houses and tell them to work their way up until they get to the Shriner's Hospital.  They even give out full-sized candy bars!  Plus, there's always some guy out with his grill with bratwurst and burgers. 

If Federal Heights is The Celestial Kingdom of trick-or-treating, Bill's house is located in Outer Darkness, or maybe just the Telestial kingdom.  Bill's house doesn't even have front steps for the kids.

That's Something
Bill had a dream about Gina.  It was a romantic dream, but not dirty.  It was filled with sweet and nice feelings.  Kerry postulated that Bill and Gina joined each other for a candle-lit dinner and whispered sweet-nothings over a table of well-done and leathery steaks.

Boners (brought to you by spaghetti)
1. "Why Must You Muslims Be So Touchy?":  The sign outside of The First Conservative Baptist Church in Flordia read, "God Loves You.  Allah Hates."  Members of the Islamic community are understandably irrate.

2. "Crikey! We're Not Taking Care of Your Weird Son":  The government of Australian has denied permanent residency to a German doctor because his son, who has Down Syndrome, would be a burden on the state.

3. "Car-loads of Black Obama Supporters":  The chairman of the Florida GOP, David A. Storck, sent an e-mail to supporters that, in part, read, "HERE IN TEMPLE TERRACE, FL OUR REPUBLICAN HQ IS ONE BLOCK AWAY FROM OUR LIBRARY, WHICH IS AN EARLY VOTING SITE.I SEE CARLOADS OF BLACK OBAMA SUPPORTERS COMING FROM THE INNER CITY TO CAST THEIR VOTES FOR OBAMA. THIS IS THEIR CHANCE TO GET A BLACK PRESIDENT AND THEY SEEM TO CARE LITTLE THAT HE IS AT MINIMUM, SOCIALIST, AND PROBABLY MARXIST IN HIS CORE BELIEFS."

The Australian government is Boner of the Day.


Margaret Ruth
Tell the ghosts to go away.  If that doesn't work, tell the ghosts to go away.  Try to tell the ghosts to go away.  Telling the ghosts to go away might work.  The ghosts will leave within the next ten years, or when you get married.  Whichever comes first.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose It's Raining Men as Boner of the Week.

Episode #4926

Opening Song
“Ladies of the World” - Flight of the Conchords

Sign-off

• “Everybody got it wrong. I said I was into porn again, not born again.” - Billy Idol

• “Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live.” - Socrates

• “Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit.” - Peter Beckmann

• “Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean....Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.”

Pampered Hosts
If Bill has to be at the studio all day, he needs to be pampered. He wants a pedicure, manicure, and a nose-hair waxing. Ear candling? No. You people who believe in ear-candling are weird, crazy, and kinda creepy. Bill tried ear-candling on the air one time. The individual who administered the “treatment” let hot wax drop right down into Bill's ear canal. He had to go to the doctor the next day to have a giant solidified wax plug removed. Gina burned the spare candle provided to Radio From hell while holding it in her hand... It still displayed the same “wax”' that candlers use to show the “sucker” that it's working.

Complicated Questions
After Kerry played the “Evening Circus” drop, one F.O.P had a dream about Kerry and Bill. He was at the fairgrounds. At first, he saw Kerry, dressed somewhat like a cross between Edward Scissorhands and Hunter S. Thompson. He had the hat, glasses, and cigarette holder of Mr. Thompson, and the hands of Mr. Scissorhands. Of course, instead of scissors, Kerry had hands made of cock-tail utensils. Then the F.O.P saw Bill, in a top-hat and a long “Snerdly Whiplash” style moustache. Bill was running the carousel. The carousel was being ridden by a number of children. As the F.O.P watched, some quiet music started in the background. It wasn't quite audible. As the F.O.P continued to look on, the carousel came to life and began to eat the children. The music got louder and louder as the blood spurted from pre-adolescent necks. Finally the music was recognizeable; “Annie are you Ok!? Are you OK!? Are you OK, Annie!? You've been struck by, A Smooth Criminal!” Who sings that song?

Boners (brought to you by salmon – no one knows from whence it came)
1. “I Did Not Sleep So Good”: After a long-night of drinking, a Russian man returned home and fell asleep, with a six-inch knife in his back. The knife was discovered by his wife the next morning. Fortunately for the man, no major damage was inflicted to his internal organs. His drinking partner was later arrested for the assault.

2. “I Needed A Little Booster” or “Church Cougar”: A 31-year-old woman who was charged two-weeks ago with having sex with a 15-year-old boy was arrested again an hour before her court-date as she was still in the company of the underage male. The two met at Calvary Assembly of God church in West Bend, WI where the woman had been employed as an aide in the day-care center.

3. “Back To The War Cripple”: After losing hearing in one ear and severely damaging a knee in Iraq, Army SPC James Raymond was honorably discharged after being determined to be “10% disabled.” He was informed that he was put on the Individual Ready Reserve, but told that he wouldn't be called up until World War III broke out. He has received notice that he has been recalled to active duty.

The recalling of the disabled-veteran to active service is Boner of the Day.

The 4/20 Show
Some people have asked why Radio From Hell does the extended show on 4/20 – a “secret” drug holiday. Unbeknownst to most Kerry is a big druggie. Each day, as soon as the show ends, Kerry looks to Bill and says, “Hey! Shoot that gauge my way! Don't bogart that joint!”

Margaret Ruth
Finding wild, bad, sweet, and nice boys is a hard charge. You can't beat your husband and mother-in-law. Cement truck drivers have a hard time finding special ladies. You be married within the next 10 hours.

Neglected News
Putin is dating a gymnast. Lindsay will take her pants off for money. Scarlet can't act, but she can sing.

Boner of the Week
Dave “Taffy” Matson chose “Your Nation Thanks You For Your Sacrifice” as Boner of the Day.

Parenthood
Hey everybody, it's Bill's son, Dylan! Dylan hasn't spoken with his father for some time. Bill doesn't really think he needs to call his two older children anymore. He gave the family a cardboard stand-up of himself for Xmas, and it gives the same quality advice. Should Dylan ever bring home a date to meet his parents, Cardboard Bill will probably be much more kind.

Kids Are Super-Good Fun
Hey everybody, it's Jonesie and Li'l Mohamed! This is the first time Kerry has even seen Mohamed. Kerry and Momma Sue were much more involved with Gina's first two children. Mohamed, like the other two children, is like and old boat; leaky. He drools all the time and has male-pattern baldness. Jonesie was helping Gina with Li'l Mohamed's bath last night and noticed his maleness with a, "What is that? Take that off!" Oddly enough, numerous women have said the exact same thing to Bill.

Wendover-Gate
Yes, Richie, Toe-Sucking is a real thing. Before Sue, Kerry was with a woman who gave him a great food massage until, next thing you know, his toes were in her mouth. It wasn't weird; it was hot. Actually, it wasn't a woman, it was Bill, and that's the basis for the Wendover story.

For some reason, the Wendover story seems to come up regularly on the All-Day shows. Bill will never, ever reveal that story. Richie wondered if the story were kept in the Granite Vaults by the LDS church. Obviously not; if the LDS church knew the Wendover story, Bill would not be allowed to live in Utah at all.

The Short Bus to Lunch
Though Kerry and Bill enjoyed a couple of well put together turkey sandwiches for lunch, Gina had to be different and "special." It's turdition that Gina get her "usual" from The Hires down the street. Gina's usual consists of a hamburger with ketchup only, fries, fry-sauce, and a vanilla coke. Gina is under the impression that she is very important because the restaurant only knows what she wants. No, this doesn't make her special. It makes her predictable.

A Chainsaw?
Sue created a video of Kerry while he was sleeping and snoring. It really is loud. When Kerry really gets to sawing logs, Sue moves into the guest bedroom down the hall. Through two doors, numerous walls, and over two different sound machines, Sue can still hear him. Eventually he'll shake himself awake. Bill didn't think that he snored regularly, but Mrs. Bill revealed that Bill snores almost every night, and it's pretty loud too. Mrs. Bill has just had to learn how to tune it out. Maybe the sound his muffled somewhat because Bill sleeps on his stomach with his face planted firmly into the pillow.

The Horror. The Horror.
Hey everybody, it's Mrs. Bill! Mrs. Bill is not happy. She was trapped at home with those two......kids without even a single drop of alcohol. Bill finished off every drop last night because he was trapped with those two....kids. He had some vermouth, that he usually uses for martini's, but didn't have any gin. He drank what was left of the vermouth, then got into the pantry and retrieved the sherry usually reserved for cooking. Bill was lucky to have something. With the way the kids were last night, Bill would have gone for the rubbing alcohol.

Intern Show
While in California, right off his LDS mission, Mattie-bear was picked up by a hooker. He didn't know she was a hooker at first. She just asked if she could have a ride. Being the helpful sort, Mattie-bear gave her a lift. As they drove, the hooker asked if Mattie-bear liked to party. Mattie-bear misheard her and thought she was asking to use his cell-phone, to which he answered, "No." She then wondered if any of Mattie-bear's friends enjoyed partying. At this point, Mattie-bear realized who he had in his car and gave her some quarters to end the relationship.

Amber can only remember one joke. "What do you call a convention of hookers?" "A ho-down." Amber is having a girl's night this weekend. Amber and her friends will be driving up to midway. Amber is the only single girl going on the trip, but she's never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

Unforgettable Quote
"Use my hairy wax baby." - Bill Allred

Kerry's iPod
"Elvis is everywhere." - Skid Roper and Mojo Nixon

Kerry's iPod #2
"Who do you want to be today?" - Oingo Boingo

Margaret Ruth Round Two
If you suspect that your girlfriend of 4 months may trap you into marriage with a baby, run like hell! If you want that last 'hug', wrap your rascal two times, because you want it to be joyless and without sensation. Bill will even come over and put a condom on you if he has to. If your man can change oil, he's probably the one. Co-habitation and pre-marital sex are not mutually exclusive. Never, ever let go of a hot woman who dresses up as a stormtrooper. If she dresses like Princess Leia, propose immediately. Margaret Ruth cleans up fine. Jim and Guthrie will be married within the next 10 years.

X-Set
Bill - "Underneath the Radar" by Underworld.
Gina - "A Small Victory" by Faith No More.
Kerry - "No One Lives Forever" by Oingo Boingo

Darth Artie
Hey everybody, it's Artie Fufkin! After the discussion of snoring this morning, Artie brought in his CPAP machine. It's a little air-pump with a mask to go over his face. Artie's is really nice because it has a place to put distilled water to increase the humidity. Instead of water, though, Artie adds chili. It really give a nice aroma to his evening slumber. When Artie first tried the CPAP, it was up too high, so Artie kind of blew up like a balloon. He woke up with his stomach four-times it's normal size. Of course, what happens to a balloon if the end isn't tied off? That's right, two-hours of farting. When Artie needs to clean the machine, he uses vinegar. It gets it nice and clean, but the mask smells like a pickle for the next few days.

Unforgettable Quote
“I have to have it tighter to my face or else I fart.” - Artie Fufkin

M.L.T
In Feb. 1992, one F.O.P and his date attended a Siouxsie & the Banshees show. They were in the balcony and noticed as Bill came in with the soon-to-be Mrs. Bill. He turned to his date and said, “Hey, that's Bill Allred.” His date responded, “Do you think she dates him because he's on the radio?” Fortunately Mrs. Bill was available by phone and clarified that she dated Bill because he's short, smart, and funny.

Radio From Hell 13-Hour-Show Haiku
By Atropos. Inspired by three of the last lines from the show:

I have to go fart
Sometimes there's so much I cry
I hurt. I hurt. Hurt.

Gina's Sign-off
“I hurt.”

Episode #4866

Sign-off

• Illegal aliens have always been a problem in The United States – just ask the Indians.
  

Dreamland
Bill had a dream about Kerry. The two of them were and Disneyland, or Lagoon, or some kind of theme park together. They were getting on a haunted house style ride. The ride had just opened and Kerry was excited to go. They got into one of the doom buggy, and drove down the tracks to the first scene. The doom-buggy stopped to let them view the animatronics, but they were all broken. There was just one real employee standing in the center of the scene wearing a top-hat. Around his neck was a cardboard sign hanging from a rope. The sign read, “Ghost of the Butler.” The “Ghost” leaned forward toward the doom-buggy and began to read from a script. Kerry stopped the “Ghost” and began to argue with him about the bull-sock attraction. Bill felt bad for the guy and tried to get Kerry to stop arguing. Kerry then turned his ire on Bill, “You taught be to argue, but you never back me up!” Kerry then stormed out of the attraction announcing that Bill would never, ever see him again. Bill finally left the sad display and found Kerry outside, sitting on a bench. Bill sat down next to him. Bill apologized to Kerry. Kerry accepted saying, “It's ok. At the end of the day, I love you.” They hugged and Bill admitted the he loved Kerry too.

Boners (brought to you by a double-cheese burger and fries)
1. “Txting Your Way To Jail”: A Salt Lake City detective was somewhat shocked when he received a text message offering to sell him several pills of the narcotic Lortab. The detective set up a meeting between himself, narcotics officers, and the sellers at a parking lot. The officers arrested the two women in posession of 10 tablets of Lortab.

2. “The Clumsy Suicide Bomber”: On his way to the opening of a mosque, a would-be-suicide-bomber apparently tripped as he was going down a flight of stairs, prematurely exploded, and killed only himself.

3. “We Only Want Real Aliens”: (Author's note: This Boner was my fault and I take full responsibility. I sincerely apologize for the poor, poor quality of my Boner and it's inability to uplift.) The citizens of a Texas town who recently reported the sighting of a UFO has readily welcomed space aliens to land in their town. Another Texas town has recently outlawed the renting of apartments to illegal aliens.
(View UFO Story)
(View Illegal Immigrant Show)

The clumsy suicide bomber is Boner of the Day

Ask an Ultimate Fighter
Ultimate Fighter Jeremy Graham Horn entered the Radio From Hell studio to answer questions. The sport is actually called Mixed Martial Arts, and The Ultimate Fighting Championship is considered the pinnacle of the sport. The sport started off somewhat disorganized, but now has clearly defined rules, time-limits, and scoring. Though there can be a lot of blood through superficial cuts, there aren't a lot of serious, serious injuries. Cauliflower-ear does hurt a lot, and looks ugly, but it really doesn't affect your hearing. You can train with Mr. Horn at http://www.eliteperformancegym.com/

Jeff Vice
U2: 3D. Jeff Vice does not like 3D. Jeff Vice also has despised previous U2 concert films. That bein said, this movie is pretty good. The detail is amazing. You can even seen how bad Bono's dye job is. This is the future of concert films, and maybe even concerts. 3.5 stars.

Untraceable. Wow is this film boring. It's dull, dull, dull! My God it's dull! It's so deadly dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and desperately dull! Needless to say, it isn't really the “Internet Generation's Silence of The Lambs.” 1.5 stars.

Neglected News
Paula Abdull wants to marry for money, not a baby. Jamie Lynn is giving her baby to her mom – who did an amazing job teaching her two girls right from wrong. Orpha is pissed at Phil.