Episode #5199
Days until contract expiration: 287

Opening Song
"Mr. Jones" - Talking Heads

Sign-offs

• "Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting."
• "Never wear a backwards baseball cap to a job interview, unless your interviewing for the position of umpire."

Audition
Next Monday, Bill is sitting in for Doug Fabrizio on Radio West.  Kerry is pretty sure that's where Bill will end up after Doug is snatched up by Ira Glass and his cohorts at the National NPR studios.  Bill would rather not.  Bill enjoys being silly on occasion, and Radio West is way too serious.  He'd much rather just stick around with Kerry and Gina and do this little show.

Boners (brought to you by a plate of pasta)
1. "I Need My Bunnies":  Oregon authorities have once again arrested Miriam Sakewitz for possessing rabbits.  Ms. Sakewitz was arrested in 2007 after being found in possession of more than 250 rabbits, including more than 100 dead rabbits kept in freezers and refrigerators.  After the rabbits were confiscated, Ms. Sakewitz broke into the facility in which they were held and stole back most of the rabbits.  In than incident, Ms. Sakewitz was sentenced to five to seven years in prison and ordered to keep at least 100 yards from all rabbits.  On this past Tuesday, police found Ms. Sakewitz in possession of another eight rabbits, including one dead rabbit.

2. "Liberal Fly Killer":  During an interview with CNBC President Barack Obama (D) was tapped swatting a housefly dead.  PETA (the people for the ..........) sent Mr. Obama a bug catching device that would allow the president to capture the housefly and set it free.

3. "What a Scam!":  Last night, Bill Allred was sitting at home by himself.  As he did so, he noticed a woman walking away from and neighbor's house and approaching his own.  When he answered the door, the woman announced herself as "Melissa, Matt Houston's daughter.  Down on 1100?"  She claimed that she needed to contact 100 people, for school , in order to get a trip to Hawaii.  The woman handed Bill a flyer that looked like an advertisement for several magazines that Bill did not recognize.  The woman also appeared to be in her mid-thirties and wearing a great deal of perfume.  Suspicious, Bill asked what school "Melissa" attended.  She replied that she went to Utah State!  Bill then asked her in which city Utah State was located.  "It's...it's....It's in Uta........You're a jerk!  I'm gonna go get my dad right now!", and stomped away.

The folks at PETA are, once again, Boners of the Day.

Ask a Flaming Liberal
The folks what work at the ACLU aren't all flaming liberals.  In fact, some are quite conservative.  They all share, however, an opinion that the Bill of Rights is important and requires constant vigilance and defence.  A lot of what they do is taken care of behind the scenes with a phone call or a letter that educates certain authority figures that their actions are against the law.

Jeff Vice
Easy Virture, shows that Jessica Biel is not ready to star in a Noel Coward movie.

Outrage is a documentary about closeted homosexual politicians who have an anti-gay agenda.  It's really well done.  3 stars.

Tyson is a documentary about Mike Tyson by a man who nearly caused a lot of trouble for Radio From Hell.  It's fascinating, but the filmaker is a douche.  3 stars.  (Author's note:  Editorial content provided by the author and not Jeff Vice.)

Departures is a Japanese movie about men who take away dead bodies.  It's heavy and slow, but enjoyable for those folk that like that kind of movie.  3.5 stars.

Year One.  Jack Black plays Jack Black and Michael Cera plays Michael Cera.  Even the David Cross and Paul Rudd "Caine and Abel" scene is painfully unfunny.  Nothing but crass humor.  It's even worse than the latest Eddie Murphy movie.  1 star.

The Proposal stars Sandra Bullock as an unpleasant Canadian who is about to be deported.  She gets her assistant, who hates her, to marry her in order to stay in the country.  Also starring a filthy Betty White, it's actually funny and is a pain-free date movie.  3 stars.


Gina's Sign-off
"Cooo wHip."

Episode #5116
Days until contract expiration: 408

Our Son Kyle
Kyle was a little out of it this morning.  He took an Ambien at about 4:30am because he couldn't sleep.  This is only a problem because he has to get up at 9:00am.  Fortunately, Kyle did find himself in an actual mattress.  Kerry suggested that Kyle call in sick to work, but Kyle is self-employed and would never accept calling in drugged and tired as a valid excuse.  See ya!

Foot Fungus?
During the winter months, Gina loves her "uggs", those oversized, puffy, ill-designed, and unattractive boots.  Today, she's in her running-shoes, which is a joke in and of itself.  The problem?  Foot fungus?  No!  It's plantar fasciitis.  Lately, she's been having some severe pain whenever she attempted to walk after getting up in the morning.  The "uggs" have no arch support in the soles, resulting in the condition.  Apparently it's an epidemic.  But just because Gina was in pain for an entire day because of the "uggs", Gina's not giving them up!

Boners
1. "I'm Going for a Ride with Daddy":  The Phoenix Suns have suspended Jason Richardson after he was arrested on allegations of driving more than 90 miles-per-hour in a 35 mile-per-hour area with his three-year-old son in the back of the car.  Richardson's son was not wearing strapped into a car-seat, nor even wearing a seatbelt.

2. "It Blowed Up Real Good":  Two men were arrested and four others were being questioned for allegedly pouring gasoline down a sewer in Draper and setting it aflame.  The subsequent explosion tossed a manhole cover several feet into the air.  Apparently pleased with the effect, the men were caught allegedly attempting to duplicate the effect in West Jordan.

3. "Dōmo arigatō Mr. Drunkado ":  The finance minister of Japan has agreed to resign after officials believed he was intoxicated during the G7 conference.  The minister blamed the effect on jet lag and cough medicine.  In 2006, in an appearance beforeparliament , the minister ceased speaking for nearly 30 seconds, whilst standing motionless.  On that occasion, the minister put the blame on pain medicine.

Jason Richardson is Boner of the Day.

Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry
Doug Fabrizio is dead to Bill Frost, who appeared as a flash on the "Love" episode of Utah Now.  Richie was the star of the episode.  Most of Richie's scenes showed him doing mundane tasks like brushing his teeth, shaving, or tying his shoes whilst sad music played in the background.  Richie discussing his own pain with love was heartbreaking, and only a little pathetic.  Word apparently traveled to Booster in Boston rather quickly.  She'll probably not mind the show much, except for that one shot of her picture on the dart-board of the stud stable, covered in knives.

The Word of Crom
"Crom has no use for such pathetic human frailty." - Nancy "Conan" Grace

Neglected News
Bill accidentally blended and ate the "do not eat" packet included in his protein shake.  He's fine.  Nathan, the F.O.P who called in on Friday with love trouble, got out of trouble.  No hanky-panky for Nathan.  He only has to wait until June 2010.  Richie doesn't suggest that.  Joaquinn experienced muscle slowing.  Jimmy Fallon will....heheheheheheheheh....not.......ehehehehehehehee......ruin.... eheheheheheheh... the  "Late Night.......hehehehehehehe....monologue.

Gina's Sign-off
"I'm peeling."

Episode #4878

Sign-off

• I know why Superman left Krypton, Earth was the only place he could get steroids.

• The worst time to fake a heart-attack is during a game of charades.

Uniform
Like Gerry Spence, or the more notable Steve Jobs, Bill has donned a uniform. Bill feels that he looks really good in a good quality long-sleeved t-shirt and jeans. Bill doesn't want to worry about what clothes to wear anymore. He just wants to wake up, get dressed, and look good.

Man Crush
Kerry and Doug Fabrizio had a man-date last night, Doug's discomfort with Kerry's man-crush notwithstanding. It was a couple's date along with Sue and Doug's wife, Amy. The foursome went to Lugano's for a special Spanish Wine pairing. The pairing, oddly enough, featured wines from Spain. Doug isn't a professional wino like Kerry and Sue, and made himself a bit over-tipsy. Doug's wife, however, knows a lot about wine. In fact, Mrs. Fabrizio knows a lot about nearly everything. As Doug got more and more inebriated, Kerry found himself falling under Mrs. Fabrizio's increasingly charming spell.

Take a Day
Saturday, Joe gave Gina the day off. He told her to go and "take a day." Gina took a spa treatment, then went to the movie theater. Gina stood in front of the marquee to decide what she wanted to see. In spite of all of the good movies out right now, Gina chose Fool's Gold. Gina was pissed; the movie was terrible. Absolutely god-awful. The movie was supposed to be right up Gina's alley, but for a romantic comedy, it is decidedly unfunny. Gina just wasted her movie afternoon.

Boners (brought to you by a tasty burger)
1. "I Feel Pretty": Maine officials are on the look out for a cross-dressing driver who intentionally cuts-off women in traffic, stops suddenly, then exits the car in order to show off his apparel.

2. "Gimme A Smoke!": An Omaha man is in critical condition after attempting to light a cigarette with a propane torch. The torch apparently exploded in the man's hands. The garage in which he was standing also contained other tanks of propane which caught fire and caused secondary explosions.

3. "BUTTARS!": Sen. Chris Buttars' latest act of inanity would restrict the public's right to access a police officer's disciplinary record. Under legislation introduced by Sen. Buttar's, an officer's disciplinary record could only be released on the consent of the officer in question.

Sen. Chris Buttars is, yet again, Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
The Writer's Strike is over. Flavor of Love 3 is on because there is no God. The Westminster Dog Show is on because there is a Dog. Big Brother is back. Bionic Woman will probably never be seen again. Big Brother After Hours will be sexy and on Showtime. Jericho is back from the dead. American Gladiators is over. Kerry is upset because he finally devised a reason to watch American Gladiators; drinking. Kerry takes a drink each time he hears Hulk Hogan say, "Brother." The Knight Rider movie will suck a lot. Reaper still has some episodes in the can. Smackdown is changing stations.

Richie T. Experience
The virginal Richie T. Experience has some very amorous neighbors. The people living above him frequently awake Mr. Experience with their moans of passion. The other night, Richie awoke to the bass from their love-makin' music. However, before the woman's enthusiastic vocalizations began, Richie heard the couple start fighting:

Woman: "NO! NO! I'm not gonna be one of the five!"
Man: "What the f**k?"
Woman: "I'm not gonna be one of the five! I'm mad! Don't touch me!"
Man: "Come on. Just come back to bed."
Woman: "No! Where are we? I'm gonna call a cab!"

The woman left. Richie ran to the window to see what she looked like. Richie assumed that she was pretty attractive, but she was really only a "5", according to Richie.

Neglected News
After the wake for Heath Ledger, his friends and family went swimming in the ocean clad only in their underwear. Paris Hilton had a movie out. No one noticed, except the critics, who hated it. Apparently Ms. Hilton is supposed to be sexy, but looks more like a porn star after a hard weekend. Tim Burton is making a version of Alice in Wonderland.

Episode #4834

Sign-offs

• Is experience what you get, when you don't get what you want?
  
• If you don't know where you were going, how are you supposed to know when you got there?
  

Thanksgiving Eve
For the opening song, Kerry played the only Thanksgiving song there is, “Thanksgiving Day” by Ray Davies. Some people may think there is another song by a former Saturday Night Live cast member, but those people are wrong. Doug Wright will, of course, play that song in order to defend against the “War on Thanksgiving.” The atheists out there may believe that Thanksgiving is some sort of secular, harvest related holiday, but it's a Christian holiday, and it's under attack! Good Americans should be thanking God for all of the things they have. Bill thinks that we really should be giving thanks to all of those heathen red-skins who gave the starving pilgrams some corn and squash. You're welcome.

Meatless Barberi
Gina has had to give up meat. She just can do it anymore. In fact, she even traded her usual pile of bacon and an English muffin for oatmeal and a mound of brown sugar.

Your List of Things That Must Go
The side-effects of birth control. Companies that don't allow their employees to stream X96. Guys that won't stop hitting on you no matter how many times you tell them that the smokes are for your fiance. “All's timers disease.” Apathetic teenage cashiers. The negative effects of eating asparagus and beets. Women discussing bloating, bleeding, tampons, pads, PMS, etc. Short urinals. People with a smug sense of entitlement when it comes to Radio From Hell prizes. Brett “Chunga” Smith's poor attempts at foreign accents. Bald men with a goatee and wrap-around sunglasses; Yes, yes, you're very tough. Waiters and servers that need to correct your vocabulary (“Biggie”, “Venti”, etc.) Mentioning a famous person who has an autistic child to someone who has an autistic child. Unwanted customer service. Homophobia vs. thinking homosexuality is “wrong.” Large girls owning Playboy merchandise. Girls owning motorcycles. A question on a test that asks you to “estimate” and then is marked wrong.

Popcorn
Bill wants fresh popcorn on his desk at all times. Lorn Michaels has a wicker basket full of fresh popcorn on his desk, why can't Bill have some on his desk? Gina is that pain-in-the-ass that makes everyone wait while the popcorn clerk fetches her a “fresh” tub of popcorn – with the butter evenly distributed throughout. Gina figures, if it costs the same, why shouldn't she get to have the fresh stuff? Bill is, once again, perplexed by the asinine food things that worry Gina. Kerry really doesn't order popcorn anymore. He loves it, but it's too fattening. Gina only goes to the movies about once a month, and a tub of popcorn once per month really won't hurt her. Bill used to feel the same way about heroin.

Boners (left-over chicken)
1. “Has Anybody Seen My Credit Card?”: After playing a game of pool at a local bar, a South Salt Lake man suddenly announced his intention to leave, grabbed another man's car keys from the bar, and quickly drove off. The other man noticed almost immediately and phone police. The car thief had, helpfully, left behind his credit card. Police were on the way to the thief's house when they were alerted that the man had returned to the bar looking for his credit card. Police arrested the man, who denied stealing the car.

2. “Oh, I Am So Sorry About That Mugging”: Nathaniel Johnson of Fond du Lac, WI, attempted to mug Bradley Wilson at knife-point while Wilson was unloading groceries outside of his home. When Mr. Wilson refused to turn over any money, Mr. Johnson pulled a knife. An onlooker pulled Mr. Johnson away from Wilson, and Johnson took off running. Mr. Johnson later returned to the scene of the crime to apologize to Mr. Wilson. Apparently Mr. Johnson was looking to mug someone else.

3. “Hurt's Don't It?”: In Roosevelt, UT, UHP officer, John Gardner, pulled over Jared Massey for allegedly speeding through a construction zone. After a verbal argument about the ticket, Mr. Massey refused to sign the ticket. Officer Gardner then asked Mr. Massey to step out of the car. When he did so, Officer Gardner pulled the taser and pointed it at Mr. Massey. Mr. Massey then asked, “What the heck is wrong with you?” and began to walk back to his car. Officer Gardner then fired the taser, hitting Mr. Massey with 50,000 volts in the back.

(Mr. Massey refuses to sign the ticket and is asked to step out of the car at about 2 minutes into the video)

Officer Gardner is Boner of the Day

Jeff Vice
Hitman. Made from a video game. 1 star.

August Rush would be better if it admitted that it was just another remake of Oliver Twist. 1.5 stars.

The Mist is gory and strained. It's like a two hour episode of The Outer Limits or The Twilight Zone. It has kind of cheap effects and ends on a really depressing note that Kerry should like. 2 stars.

I'm Not There is an interesting way to look at the life of Bob Dylan. It has six different actors playing the different eras of Dylan's life. There are some really good parts, but you have to wade through some not so good parts. 2.5 stars.

Joe Strummer: The Future is Unwritten is a documentary on Joe Strummer of The Clash. It has a lot of very old footage. If you aren't a huge fan of Mr. Strummer, you might find it a bit rambling, but if you are a fan, you'll love it. 3 stars.

Enchanted looks horrible from the trailers. Jeff was not looking forward to seeing this movie. However, it's really good. It a snarky movie that pokes fun at all of the Disney princess movies. It's got a lot of good jokes, and has Cyclops singin' and dancin'. 3 stars.

Before The Devil Knows You're Dead stars Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Ethan Hawke, and Albert Finney. Hoffman and Hawke plot to rob their parent's jewelry store. Excellent performances. 3 stars.

The Cohen Brother's have gone back to some of their earlier formulas with No Country For Old Men. It's really serious with occasional humor. A drug deal goes wrong, and someone finds the money and decides to keep it. Bad idea. Tommy Lee Jones is fantastic as always. 3.75 stars.

Groin Schott
KCPW News Director, Bryan Schott, was not at all happy about Bill making references to X96 while The Defineathon was being broadcast on KCPW. Mr. Schott doesn't like competition. In fact, NPR sex-symbol Doug Fabrizio was initially supposed to compete against Bill on The Defineathon, but Mr. Schott called and had someone dis-invite Doug. Now Salt Lake City will never know what might have been; Fabrizio vs. Allred.

Neglected News
Racy pics of Katie Couric exist. Gina is gagging. Marlee Matlin likes to dress up for Thanksgiving. Jonesie hates dresses. Maybe Gina could distract her with chocolate covered sprouts.

Kitties, and Snakes, and Mary Claire
Bill had a dream about The Sainted Mary Claire. No, it wasn't a sex dream. In his dream, Bill had arrived at the grand estate that is Rio Lobo in Huntsville. Bill was walking across the front “lawn” that had been stripped down to the dirt. As he entered the house, there was a giant bed right there in the front. The top of the bed was covered in little kitties and snakes – like boa constrictors. The snakes and kitties were kind of snuggling together on top of the bed. Bill made his way into the next room where The Sainted Mary Claire was seated. Bill asked, “What's with all the kitties and the snakes? Don't the snakes, like, eat the kitties?” Mary Claire looked up at Bill, shrugged and answered, “Yeah, sometimes.” Then Daddy Gary walked up behind Mary Claire and said, “Yup. Sometimes.”