Episode #5032
Days until contract expiration: 547

Sign-offs
"Cirque de so long sucker." - Rifftrax

Boners (brought to you by salad and garlic fries and a chicken wing)
1. "Those Cats Are Just Asleep":  A Brooklyn land-lord is being sued for harassment after he hid a bag of dead cats in the apartment building in order to force the tenants to move out.

2. "Hand over the stick Gramps":  A 78-year-old British man was forced to turn over his walking stick to police officers after they claimed the support device was a potentially "offensive weapon."  The older gentleman was attempting to attend a seminar while a nearby protest was in progress.  Some officers enforcing the peaceful nature of the protest, in full SWAT equipment, surrounded the older man and demanded he hand over the stick.  He was given a receipt with which to request return of the item, but police had misplaced it in the meantime.

3. "I Needed That Foot For Training Purposes":  A Florida EMT found a crash victim's severed foot, and kept the body part in order to train his cadaver sniffing dogs.

The stick-stealing police are Boners of the Day.

Quick Summary
Most people don't actually attend the cremation of a body, and there's a reason; it's boring.  The mortuary in Ogden had installed a brand new "retort" (furnace), but hadn't even had time to put in furniture.  It was a quick and solem service for Bill's brother.  An uncle said a prayer, and a friend read a very nice poem he had written.  Then they use a gurney and a little cardboard roller to move the body inside the retort, and that was it, really.  Bill, being Bill, was somewhat curious about some of the inner workings of the cremation process.  He wondered if smoke ever came billowing out the top of the chimney?  No sir.  There a laser in the chimney that zaps any particles that try to escape throught the top.  High tech.

Since Kerry was in Disneyland for his birthday, he went to City Hall and was given a birthday pin with his name on it.  Every where he and Sue went, various 'cast members' would wish Kerry a happy birthday.  It really began to annoy Sue.  It wasn't until the elderly cast-member on the Finding Nemo ride wished "Kenny" a happy birthday that the pin finally came off.

Episode #5031
Days until contract expiration: 548

Boners (brought to you by ice cream with Nilla wafers)
1. "Now Sophia Won't Get Boobs":  An 18-year-old Colorado teenager is under arrest after attempting to hire a hitman to kill his mother in order to obtain money to pay for his girlfriend's breast enlargement surgery.

2. "When He's Off-Duty He Really Wants To Be Pretty":  A male probation officer was arrested on charges of DUI and possession of a controlled substance - also while wearing a mini-skirt, fishnet stockings, and a blond wig.  RyderLaramore, the son of Public Defender Herman Laramore, told the arresting officers that he was a probation officer and begged them not to arrest him as he would lose his job.

3. "If You Can't Join Them, Beat 'Em":  Denver police officers thought it appropriate and humorous to sell and distribute t-shirts commemorating the 2008 Democratic National Convention which read, "We get up early to beat the crowds."

The boob-buying boyfriend is Boner of the Day.

Quick Summary (Author's note: My apologies.  The boss is away and the seagulls will play.)
Kerry finally got to visit the one place in Disneyland he has never been; the infamous Club 33.  It's occupies all of those 'fake' buildings above Pirates of the Caribbean.  Kerry's brother-in-law, Drew, won a sales competition and was allowed to use the corporate membership to get Kerry and Sue inside.  The place was huge.  Much larger than Kerry imagined.  Unfortunately the ancient elevator was broken, but Kerry, Sue, and Drew got the five-star treatment, even though it was only four-star food.  Bill's only question was whether they were classy enough to have ice in the urinals.  Kerry didn't notice.

On the way home, Kerry saw famous-Mormon and precious, precious celebrity Katherine Heigl.  She was knitting or crocheting something in the long-beach airport.  On the flight, she had a jack-and-coke.  Upon landing, she immediately made her way outside for a smoke.  Richie was crushed.  His dream ofbringing her back to the fold seems dimmer and dimmer each day.

Gina is sort-of excited, which is the most excited that Gina ever gets.  Joe was supposed to be on a business trip, but he has something wrong with his ears and gets dizzy when he stands up.  Bill theorizes that it must have been all of the hard-lovin' after Joe watched the video of Gina's bull-ride over, and over, and over, and over again.

Gina's Sign-off
"Let's all be obsequious."