Episode #5266
Days until contract expiration: 183
Edition 1039 of Atropos' blog.
Day 1 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 41 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-offs

• "About drinking milk;  I never liked it.  I hate cows."
• "Never question authority.  They don't know either."

Boners (brought to you by a lonely hot-dog, eaten whilst staring at the wall and crying)
1. "Mmmmm...  Yummy Pot":  An 18-year-old driver was charged with possession of a controlled substance after she was pulled over for not wearing her seatbelt.  When the officer approached Jamie Salonen, she had green particles around her mouth, in her teeth, and strewn about the car.  When she was arrested, Ms. Salonen was indignant, "I only ate some weed."

2. "Well, At Least He Wasn't Texting":  A Salt Lake Man was arrested and charged with aggravated assault after he beat and strangled his girlfriend whilst driving home.  After the girlfriend lost consciousness, the man turned the car out toward Tooele.  When she awoke, he told her that he was going to kill her.  Fortunately he didn't, and eventually returned her home.  The police were called, and the man was arrested.

3. "You know, I Read Part of One of Them Witchcraft Books":  According to one of George W. Bush's speechwriters, the administration refused to award a Presidential Medal of Freedom to author J.K. Rowling because her Harry Potter books encouraged witchcraft.  Senator Ted Kennedy, who had just been diagnosed with a brain tumor, was also rejected out of hand because he was "a liberal."

President Bush and his administration are, once again, Boners of the Day.

A Family Reunion
Ten Towns in Ten Days continues in Orem, UT.  Orem was founded by....Mormon pioneers.  Joe Hicks is the proprietor of Joe's Cafe in Orem.  Joe's has been open for two months, but it's making a big splash.  Joe came to Utah from Texas about 13 years ago.  Joe was on his way to Seattle with his brother when he missed a bus connection.  The second day in Utah he earned a job with Denny's and met his future bride who was a waitress there.  Apparently the future Mrs. Hicks was defenseless in the face of Joe's southern twang and prominent personality.  Besides Joe, who is also known as "Pun'kin", he has 11 siblings - who all called into the show.  Hey!  Joe!  Robert says, "Hi!"  Linda says, "Hi!"  Caroline says, "Hi!"  Ramona says, "Hi!"  Reginald says, "Hi!"  Jan says, "Hi!"  Jewell says, "Hi!"  Alexander says, "Hi!"  Dina says, "Hi!"

When in Orem, visit Joe's and have an ultimate burger with "Smack Yer Mama" seasoning or the biscuits and gravy with both sausage AND bacon!


Your List of Things That Must Go
Drinking fountains.  Drinking fountains with long hair.  Cats that like John Travolta.  Spilling month old bong water.  People who act tough but can't take a punch. Blackberry's that misspell "Sarah" as "Assrag."  "I am your density."  "We sang acapulco."  "I resemble that remark."  "Ridonkulous."  Bill mocking Thayne and his name.  People who clog the toilet and don't fix it.  Soft-spoken receptionists.  Saying 'the' with a long 'ee' sound.  Hot news women.  Brothers who trick you into cleaning their room.  Viagra commercials.  "That being said."  "That said."  "Just a friendly reminder." Bad comb-overs.  Pig-tails.  Holding objects in your mouth; use your hands!  Doppler radar.  Jon, Nate, and Kate.  Husband's ex-wife.  Using a headache as an excuse not to go to Lagoon.  People who have four accidents a year and blame the other drivers.  Taking a 12-year-old to a salon and making her shave her legs.  Grown men named Spencer.

Ashes to Ashes
When Kerry dies, he intends to be cremated.  He would kind of like to have his ashes placed into a Star Trek-style urn, but Sue won't allow it.  After all, Kerry won't have to stare at it on the mantel every day.  Bill suggested that he hollow out his Spiderman bowling ball and then make a little stand for it.  Or, or, or, better; use the idol from Raiders of the Lost Ark!  Gina doesn't care what anyone does to her after she's dead; whatever makes her family happy.  Bill also intends to be cremated, but maybe it would be more appropriate to just dump his body into The Jordan River.  Hell, they could even make it a radio contest, "We've placed $1,000 on the body of former radio host Bill Allred and dumped the corpse into The Jordan River."

Gina's Sign-off
"Don't poke daddy in the gut.

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show this morning.

RFH - 2009-03-02

Episode #5124
Days until contract expiration: 395

All the People Who Died, Died
Paul Harvey, legendary broadcaster and unyeilding fascist, passed away at the age of 90.  Bill remembers going to work with his father and, at noon, stopping to eat lunch out of his Aladdin Stanley lunch bucket.  Bill had milk, his father had Postum.  Paul was one of a kind, and original, and he will be missed.

Secret Smells
The air-conditioner is running over time in an attempt to fumigate the weekend of 'eewwww.'  Bill remarked that the studio had the smell of hair gel, sex, and ass.

Unforgettable Quote
"It's kind of a combination of different smells; hair gel, sex and ass."

Maturity Reigns
Nathan Mackey would like Radio From Hell to stop discussing Gina's eating habits.  According to Nathan, it's old and no longer funny.  Of course, Nathan expects that Kerry, Bill, and Gina will do exactly the opposite, "which is very mature of you."  Sounds great.  Thanks for listening.

Gina's habits have changed since she met Joe.  Not a lot, but sum.  Whilst driving to Tooele (which is much farther than she remembers), she was listening to an old "Best of Radio From Hell" that described a trip with Joe to Portland, OR.  That was where Gina had her first hummus.  Now she eats hummus whenever Joe makes her.

Joe was driving Festus and a friend home from School when the two boys began discussing what they were going to give up for Lent.  Festus suggested that he should give up McDonald's cheeseburgers.  Joe posited that it shouldn't be that hard since he doesn't have them very often.  Until that moment, Joe was blissfully unaware that Gina and Festus stopped by the McDonald's nearly day for drinks, fries, and a cheeseburger.

The Weakness of the Youth
On the Friday before Valentine's Day, F.O.P Nathan called in to Margaret Ruth.  His girlfriend/fiance had been pressuring him to engage in intercourse with her.  They had done it before, but had dutifully gone to the bishop and were told that they needed to repent and abstain for six-months before they could even consider a temple wedding.  Unfortunately, chalk one up for The Dark Lord; Nathan and his girlfriend slipped.  Since then, Nathan has found himself (and his factory) empty inside.  He's been weeping a lot at sappy songs or movies.  Bill suggests that they just try again.  Bill didn't just quit smoking in one try.  Richie suggests that they get married ASAP then get sealed in the temple after a year.  For some members of the LDS church, however, that is a real kick in the groin to their humility.


Boners (brought to you by salmon)
1. "Bill O'Reilly Knows you Hate Obama Because You Love Him":   In a televised rant, Bill O'Reilly used the ratings of the Fox News Channel to conclude that the majority of Americans do not support the policies of Barack Obama.

2. "That Smell is a Violation Too":  After having seven tickets issued to an illegally parked car, authorities finally noticed a corpse in the back of the car.  Neighbors called to complain about an ill odor surrounding the vehicle, which led police to finally perform more than a cursory investigation.

3. "I Can't Let The Baby Go Hungry ":  Ohio resident Genine Compton has been arrested after receiving a tip that the woman was seen breast feeding her baby, whilst talking on a mobile telephone, and driving her car.  When confronted, the woman admitted to breast-feeding the baby but defended her actions by saying she would not let her child go hungry.

The breast-feeding-cell-talking-car-driving mother is Boner of the Day.


Bill Frost
The local girl on The Bus of Syphillis has gone out in an drunken blaze of skanky glory.  24 has Jaenene Garafelo.  Holly Hunter is still losing weight on Saving Grace, despite all of the scenery she is chewing.  Ax Men is a reality show detailing the secret lives of Lumberjacks.  They're ok.  The sleep all night and they work all day.  They cut down trees, they skip and jump, they like to press wild flowers. They put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars.  And they one day, they'll take on the Ice Road Truckers in a WWE Raw Special Event.  Reaper is back on Tuesday on the CW.  Burn Notice finishes it's season and will be back for another.  In the meantime, Gabriel Anwar will star in The Scent of a Body Snatcher.  The chemistry teacher turned meth-producer is back in Breaking Bad.  The good looking lesbians finale on The L-Word.

Neglected News
Rhianna still likes Mr. Brown, but next time he better put some stank on it.  Kanye was dissin' on the Radio Head because Radio Head be snubbin' on Kanye at the Grammy's.  Jimmy Fallon will snicker though his interview with Robert DeNiro.  Bru Swillis dropped out.