Opening Song
"Because I'm Awesome" - The Dollyrots

A Message from Com
Crom laughs at your silly pseudo war. Crom will watch when you arm the players with swords.

The Many Roles of Joe Jones
Gina's good looking husband, Joe, kindly asked his wife if she would mind watching the kids whilst he went up to watch the run-run tackle ball game at a bar in Ogden. Gina, knowing that she watches her children so infrequently, granted her good looking husband his request. As such, Gina left Joe at home in the morning so she could go out and do some Xmas shopping. When she returned, Joe was ready to go. He was wearing his red sweatshirt and had his liquor flask all loaded up. Before he left, however, he informed Gina that he had put together a dinner for her and left it in the fridge. All she had to do was heat it up. At that moment Gina realized that Joe was both the husband and the wife in their relationship; he was going to watch the game with the boys AND managed to prepare dinner for his spouse and the children. What doest that make Gina? The nanny.

What had Joe prepared for dinner? Left over ham with red potatoes. Gina likes the potatoes because you smash them, drizzle them with olive oil and salt, then fry them in the oven - just like French Fries. She did not, however, partake of any of the ham. Gina doesn't do left-overs. She doesn't trust them. It was good once, how could it possibly be good again?

Nobody's Perfect
This Thanksgiving Day, Richie accompanied the not-girlfriend to her family home in Lawrence, UT, directly west of The Middle of Nowhere. After a traditional meal, Richie fell asleep on the couch for a pre-pie nap. He was waked when the not-girlfriend introduced him to a good friend who had stopped by. Richie was groggy, but managed to make an acceptable impression. When the not-girlfriend was talking on the phone later, apparently she was told that Richie was "not bad" and that "nobody's perfect."

Boners
1. "The Kids are Safe": Two stories. First, on Thanksgiving Day, a young couple was arrested in a motel after they left their two children, 7-months, and Twenty-months, to sleep in a mini-van whilst they cavorted in the motel. The mini-van wasn't even just located in the motel parking lot, but left at a nearby fast-food restaurant. Second, Michale Monahan of Massachusetts was charged with reckless endangerment when he locked his two children in the truck of his sports car so that he could do some shopping. Mr. Monahan allegedly told officials that the kids enjoyed playing in the trunk.

2. "You've Got Beautiful Teeth": A Berkley woman traveling on a bus became disturbed when a man locked his gaze on her and told her how much he admired her teeth and how much he would like to have them. The nervous woman exited the bus at the next opportunity, but apparently was followed. The man apparently hit the woman, then knocked out her teeth and made off with them.

3. "Dancing is Forbidden": Hamas has begun cracking down on women engaging in activities they feel are un-Islamic. They have banned women from riding behind a man on a scooter, and banned girls from performing a traditional folk-dance at the opening of a Palestinian museum. Another woman was harassed by constables as she swam wearing pants and a blouse instead of the more traditional robes.

The neglectful parents are Boners of the Day.

Cheated Desserts
If all went according to plan, Gina, Joe, and the children were to spend Thanksgiving with The Sainted Mary Claire at the Motorhome Roundup in Zion's National Park. Unfortunately, Jonesie's appendectomy threw off the plan and Joe was forced to make an emergency Thanksgiving meal. He went out and got himself a last minute ham. What kind of ham? It was from The Whole Foods, so it was probably some kind of organic ham that was hugged to death. He also whipped up some stuffing, which perplexed Festus as a ham has nothing to stuff. Gina doesn't care for stuffing anyway - she doesn't trust it. She even has studies that prove that eating stuffing is dangerous. She has studies! The meal turned out really good, except for dessert. Gina should never have left it to Joe to provide the dessert. He brought home a pumpkin pie, a pecan pie, and a carrot cake. Gina won't eat a pumpkin pie, and the pecan pie looks edible from on top, but she doesn't know what that jelly like stuff is and she doesn't trust it. Instead, Gina had to raid her chocolate stash for any semblance of dessert.

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.


Episode #5307
Days until contract expiration: 122
Edition 1075 of Atropos' blog.
Day 62 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 345 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Episode #5279
Days until contract expiration: 164
Edition 1052 of Atropos' blog.
Day 20 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 22 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The specials

Sign-off

• "We've been coming here for 50 years and performing anal probes, and all that we have learned is that one in ten doesn't really seem to mind."

A Message From Crom
"Crom does not require sprinkling of water; only spilling of blood."

Do You Have Any Sanitary Host?
Gina doesn't regularly attend Catholic mass because it's unsanitary.  First of all, the priest used to put the host directly on the parishoner's tongue.  Forutnatley, they changed that and allowed the parishoner to hold out their hands and have it placed there.  That did not, however, fix the problem with the wine goblet, which is only wiped off between lips.  No dishwasher, no sanitary wipes, no nothing.  Gina really needs a more sanitary religion.  Kerry doesn't understand why the priest can't just use his Jesus powers to kill all the germs and virii.

Unforgettable Quote
"Use your magic, Padre." - Kerry Jackson

Just a Damn Minute Mr. Egyptian
On their way to Seattle, the rainy city in which Gina could cuddle with her husband, Joe was hassled by the man.  They both went through security without any issue.  When they got to the gate, Joe, being a gentleman, let Gina go ahead of her.  Gina was already up the jetway when she realized that Joe was not behind her.  She went back to the gate and Joe had been pulled aside for a "second screening."  He told Gina to go ahead, so she went ahead and boarded the plane.  She was seated next to a very nicely put together blind woman.  They began talking and when Gina told the woman Joe's real name, she indicated that the same thing used to happen to her because her name was Rashida - until she became blind.  Apparently she was no longer considered a threat.

Boners
1. "Women in Tuxedos?  Tain't Natural."  Copiah School District officials in Mississippi have rejected a lesbian student's yearbook photograph because she chose to wear a Tuxedo during the sitting.  Ceara Sturgis is a straight-A student who has been completely open about her sexuality in the past.  The ACLU has warned the district that they are violating Ms. Sturgis' rights.

2. "I Won The Lottery!"  A woman who claimed that she had won the lottery started a riot at a clothing store when she announced that she was paying for everyone's purchases.  The store finally realized that the woman hadn't actually paid for anything.  When the customers realized that the whole thing was a hoax, they began looting.

3. "Great Halloween Decoration":  Residents of an LA neighborhood mistook a real human corpse for part of a Halloween display.  The body of a 75-year old man, who was shot in the head, decayed on a balcony for several days before authorities were finally called and came to investigate the crime. 

Boner Candidate #3 is Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
Venture Bros. is back.  Nothing but Baseball on Fox.  Glee.  Jeff Dunham has a show.  Monk returns on Friday.  No word on Tony Shaloub's plans for a new season of Wings.  White Collar has a good looking criminal helping to solve crimes.  The plot was originally featured in a movie staring a formerly funny member of SNL and a blonde gentleman who sounded a lot like Harvey Firestein?  When We Were Beautiful is a documentary that hopes to convince you that Bon Jovi is as cool as Bruce Springstein.  If you're a young, good-looking young man who enjoys the company of older women, be sure to attend any and all Bon Jovi concerts you can; you will be pounced by a cougar. Modern Family deserves your viewership.

Gina's Sign-off
I get to choose a password.

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5250
Days until contract expiration: 205
Edition 1024 of Atropos' blog.

Sign-off
"Life is one cup of coffee after another, and don't look for anything else."

Boners
1. "I'm Hungry.  I'm Hungry":  A man in Florida was arrested after calling 911 twice and asking for a ride because he was really hungry.  Police initially found the man sitting on a sidewalk.  When he asked them for a ride to the park, and informed them that he was really hungry, they refused to assist him.  The man then called emergency services, and was arrested for calling 911 without cause.

2. "Coaching by Immersion":  Coach Scott Mooney of Breckinridge High School in Louisville, KY thought it would be appropriate to take his team on a field trip to his church where they would listen to a motivational speech and receive a free steak dinner.  Permission slips were not sent out to parents.  During their visit, at least eight of the players were baptized into the Franklin Crossroads Baptist Church.  The superintendent, who is also a member of the church's and was witness to the baptisms, said the the trip was proper because it wasn't required and the gas was paid for by another volunteer.

3. "If You're Keeping Your Kid Home From School Today, You May Be a Boner":  If you were one of the parents who kept your children home from school today because President Obama was to deliver a speech about the importance of working hard and staying in school, you may be a Boner.

The absurdly anti-Obama parents are Boners of the Day.


A Message From Crom
"Crom never tries to drown his followers!  He baptizes them in their own blood!"

Quick Summary
Bill was the most imature person at Dylan's maturation class.  He commented that the apple juice looked like urine samples, and got into a fight with the teacher about boys being the only sexual aggressors.  Make sure you're clean down there.  Bill had the foresight to imbue Gina's copy of Salt Lake Magazine with his soul so that he could see her naked as she sat on the toilet and waited for her historical shower to heat up.  Bill felt that Gina's training sessions weren't doing her any good.  Li'l Mohamed is a little monster.  The four hours Gina spent holding him during a bowling birthday party in Ogden was a nightmare.  Still, Gina won't use a leash because it makes her look like a bad parent.  Kerry suggested that Gina try drugging the boy instead.  That's an invisible solution.  Gina ate cream cheese...Gina doesn't think it was cheese.  It was cheese.

Gina's Sign-off
"There's no cheese in that."

Episode #5245
Days until contract expiration: 213
Edition 1019 of Atropos' blog.

Quick Summary
Gina is finally giving up her iPod.  She's repeatedly refused to give it to Bill since it was a give from Joe, who apparently didn't know who he was giving it to.  She's going to give it to Richie.  'Missionary Gay' is kind of like 'Prison Gay'; any port in a storm.  Kerry's house is nice because it doesn't have Cheerios smashed into the carpet.  Kerry once interviewed for a job in Oregon and slept on the couch of the Program Director at the radio station there.  Sue knows that Kerry knows a weirdo when he sees them.  Bill once drove to Boston from New York with four or five other students to audition for a play.  They thought they would stay in a college dorm once they got there.  The dorms told them that, of course, they would not be allowed to stay there.  At about one o'clock in the morning, one of the girls in the car eventually asked some guy standing on the street if he knew of a place they could stay.  The gentleman offered his own apartment.  During their stay in the apartment, they all got to know Charlie, who was a reformed heroin addict and "The Best Damned Shoe Salesman in Boston."  Bill is a pussy and doesn't wear the pants in his family.  Neither does Kerry wear the pants.  And Gina wants nothing to do with the pants.  Richie is dating a woman with an 11-year-old son.  First, Richie ruined musicals for both his date and her offspring, then clumsily tried to help the boy order at the restaurant.  Kerry suggests treating the boy like a friend and ask him questions like "That your first zit?," or "How's the arm-pit hair coming in?," or "Are you wearing a jock yet?," or maybe, "Your mom tell you about condoms?"  Mormon Jesus is whitesome, delightsome, and sexy, but Siberian Jesus is not.  Catholic Jesus is too skinny.  Blue-eyed Jesus is probably not very accurate.

Unforgettable Quote
"I want nothing to do with the pants." - Gina Barberi

Boners (brought to you by sweet potato fries)
1. "God, Evelyn!  You Were Supposed to Die!"  When the 83-year-old Evelyn Roth was diagnosed with cancer, two of her relatives convinced her to sign-over her power of attorney in order to carry out her final wishes.  Instead, Virginia Kuehn and Kathleen Jingling sold Ms. Roth's house, car, and possessions (including her wedding photographs).  They then transferred all of the money into their own accounts, where it was quickly spent.  Ms. Roth has since made a full recovery from her cancer.

2. "And, He Said He'd Call, And He Hasn't": A man in Ferndale, MI  told his date that he had accidentally left his wallet in her car.  She gave him the car keys, and he sped away with the vehicle.  Police were able to track down the culprit when his date gave them his cell phone number.

3. "We Got No Room For Humor Here.  No Room":  T-shirts touting the Smith-Cotton High School band's fall program were taken away from band members after parents complained about the evolution theme depicted on the clothing.  The shirt features the cliche image of a primitive ape evolving to a human being, with each figure holding a brass instrument.  The Ass. Superintendent, Brad Pollitt, claimed that he was forced to remove the t-shirts because of a policy directing schools to stay neutral on Religion.

The complaining parents and Ass. Superintendent are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
The T.O. Show finales.  Dance your Ass Off stops exploiting fat people.  Weeds finales.  Rescue Me finales and will end for good in 2011.  The CW is premiering 90210 and Melrose Place.  Plans are coming together for the CW to also bring back Get a Life, The George Carlin Show, Herman's Head, and Woops!  Sons of Anarchy has Ron Pearlman and Katy Segal eating the scenery.  Glee premiers.  Richie is ecstatic.  America's Next Top Model.  The Vampire Diaries doesn't suck and features real vampires instead of those ridiculous sparkly vampires.  Supernatural is battling Satan.  Ray Wise will appear in Jon Lovtiz's devil costume.  "Worship me!"

A Message From Crom
Crom laughs at your puny Jesus.

Episode #5237
Days until contract expiration: 225
Day 1 of Gina's most latest walking streak.

Sign-offs

• How come all my brilliant ideas happen when I'm sleeping?

• A friend will stop you from overreacting. A BEST friend will trot beside you giggling "someone's gonna get it!"

Richie's Bane
Richie started his paid job at X96 as a call screener for Radio From Hell.  Unfortunately, he's being too thorough for Bill's taste.  Bill would prefer that Richie go ahead and leave them on the line regardless; just send a message explaining what the call is about.  Then Kerry, Bill, or Gina can decide whether or not to go to the calls.  There should always be somebody on the phone with which Bill can talk.  Of course, he shouldn't send in any bad calls either.  Damnit Richie!  Just do the job better!

Another Letter
Kerry received another letter from Hugh Hefner.  Apparently Mr. Hefner is concerned that a fine, upstanding man like Kerry, who has a taste for the finer things in life, has let his subscription lapse.  Mr. Hefner, like Kerry, is a busy man and understands that some things like a magazine subscription can slip through the cracks.  Kerry has been disappointed with the quality of the magazine in recent years.  He tried to re-up for a while, but it hadn't gotten any better.  There are other magazines for men that have much better articles.

Boners (brought to you by a lunch buffet)
1. "Oh!  You Wanted Them Teeth!?"  A jury has awarded a South Carolina woman $2 million in damages from a dental clinic that extracted 13 of the woman's upper teeth by "accident."  The woman had gone to the dentist to have a cracked tooth repaired.  The dentist recommended that they extract the cracked tooth as well as two additional teeth.  Instead, another dentist mistakenly pulled all of the woman's upper-teeth, then altered her dental records to cover up the mistake.

2. "I Was Making a Memory":  A Baltimore County state delegate has apologized to police leadership after he enlisted officers to stage a fake raid on a boat as part of a stunt to propose to his girlfriend.  Jon S. Cardin had the officers board the boat, as a helicopter hovered nearby, and find a box that contained the engagement ring. 

3. "Have a Seat, Coke Butt":  Customs officers in Barcelona noted an elderly German man who appeared to have a very bulky rear end and was waling strangely.  When the man boarded an airplane, the crew noticed that the man appeared to be sitting on eggshells.  When searched, officers found that the man was wearing specially designed neoprene shorts under his pants that had 160 pockets, filled with a total of 13 lbs. of cocaine.
The cocaine smuggling pensioner is Boner of the Day


The elderly coke-smuggler is Boner of the Day.

"You Treat Your Food Like a Scab"
Yesterday, Kerry, Bill, Gina and their boss went to lunch to discuss their contract.  They went to a fancy lunch buffet at a local hotel.  Gina started at the salad bar.  She put in a little bit of romaine lettuce, because they didn't have iceberg, and a heaping pile of bacon.  She then reached for the vinaigrette and poured a big ladle of it all over her salad.  "Eeeeewwwwww!"  Bill and Kerry immediately ran to her side!  What was the matter!  It was caesar dressing.  Real caesar dressing with anchovies in it!  Did Gina scrape off her salad into the nearest potted plant?  No.  Gina, the little trooper, took it back to her table and poked at it with her fork until the waitress came and took it away.

Besides the salad bar, the buffet featured some wonderful puff pastry bowls and chicken a la king to place inside the bowl.  Gina, being frightened of the indeterminate ingredients in the chicken a la king chose, instead, to place a slice of pot roast in her pastry bowl.

Do You Even Watch The Show?
After reporting about Rep. Barney Frank's latest confrontation with the uninformed "death-panel" anti-socialists (who are apparently unaware that Hitler was primarily a facist, not a socialist), Amanda Dickson on KSL wondered where those people were getting all of that disinformation.  Gina thought that Amanda should try listening to her own radio station as Sean Hannity dishes out plenty of those health-care falsehoods.

Things That Must Go
Gina's lack of taste.  Stupid, unanswerable questions.  Random people stopping and talking to you whilst you are shopping.  Transporting a dozen balloons in a car.  Answering the phone, "This is here."  People who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're."  "The exception proves the rule."  Couples that share a FaceBook account.  Momzillas who say things like, "Cost is not a problem."  Rude wedding guests.  Wedding guests that bring a stack of paper plates as a gift labeled, "Country china."  Wedding gluttons.  "Dads and grads."  Not telling the gas station clerk that you vomited in the bathroom.  Diet Coke jokes.  People who interrupt a conversation saying, "This will just take a second."  "I'm just sayin'..."  Referring to a woman you have know for some time as "The girl with the big boobs."  Making excuses to ride the elevator for one floor.  Going into a parts store without the model number.  "If you have to push that hard, it ain't ready yet."

Cough.  Cough.
Yesterday, Richie visited the doctor for a physical.  Richie's doctor is very aware of the show and really wanted to do somethign to make a good story for the radio.  Unfortunately, it was just a physical, so there wasn't a lot of interesting goings-on.  The doctor instead tried searching through his doctor's joke-book for a good joke.  He failed.

A Message From Crom
In Crom's lodge there is no Supreme Court, only the justice that comes from the point of a sword.

Gina's Sign-off
"My killer butt."

Episode #5196
Days until contract expiration: 290

Opening Song
"Pump it Up" - Elvis Costello

Sign-offs

• "Rehab is for quitters."
• "I want a man who is kind and understanding.  Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?"

A Message From Crom.
Crom cares nothing for your short skirts and racquets; only how you fill your bodice.

Paradise
Bill and Richie survived.  They managed to hike down into Havasupai in The Grand Canyon and hike back out alive.  For the occassion, Bill borrowed a one-man ultra-light tent.  Setting his tent stakes he reached down an grabbed a rock with which to hammer the spikes.  The rock, oddly enough, looked much like a plaster cast of Gene Simmon's genitalia.

Though the area was beautiful, the waste management aspect of the campground left something to be desired.  Last year a flood in the area washed away all of the outhouses.  In their place were a series of plastic port-a-pottys.  With all of the people hiking and camping, they tended to fill up rather quickly.  A helicopter would periodically come and drop off two new toilets and take two of the full toilets.  At this time, many a butt-cheek squeezing camper waddled towards the unfouled depository.

Boners (brought to you by a BBQ chicken sandwich and Little Bill's Darth Maul dip)
1. "Gimme All Your Diamonds":  When the night shift manager at The Black Diamond store confronted a strange man walking around the manufacturing plant, he stranger threatened him with an ice-pick then demanded all of the precious metals in the store.  Apparently the thief took the name of the store literally and expected it to be filled with gold and diamonds.  The manager explained that they were a outdoor equipment business.  The thief then stole a computer, some ice-screws, and other miscellaneous climbing equipment.

2. "Try and Stab Me.  Go On.  Try.":  A British company has developed and marketed the first "anti-stab" kitchen knife.  The knife is designed to be less effective as a weapon.  It has a blunted end and a design that makes it snag on skin and clothing. 

3. "He Said It, So I Kicked It Out Of Him":  A student teacher may be charged with battery after kicking a student for using the word "crap."  The student claims that the teacher kicked him in the shins, stomach, and the back of the head.  The teacher claims that it was all "just a joke."

The "diamond" thief is Boner of the Day.


She's Not The Only One
Gina ate a kumquat.  She bet that Bill hadn't.  He informed her than he had.  Gina changed her bet to include that most people hadn't.  Most people probably have.  It's not just a joke fruit?  No, Gina, it isn't.

Bill Frost
Bill helped Shannon and Jeff judge the car show.  That's hard work.  Run's House is back.  No word on DMC's Hovel.  Wedding Day shows pimp weddings.  Jada Pinket Smith is unlikeable, but beautiful.  The Unusuals is going away for every.  Pushing Daisies is completely done.  They're running out the clock on Eli Stone, Kings, and Harper's Island.  Impact will be a terrible miniseries in which humanity blows up the moon.  Why?  Because they can.  Merlin was before Harry Potter.  Spike has The Guy Choice Awards.  Guys choose big boobs and dip.

Unforgettable Quote
"You'd only know if it was cold if you were sitting underneath me." - Gina Barberi

Communing With The Natives
As Bill was leaving of the beautiful turquoise pools down in Havasupai, he noticed a Native American gentleman standing nearby.  Thinking that he was a local and might know something about the weather, Bill asked, "Is it gonna rain?"  The gentleman looked up at the sky then replied, "I don't know."

Radio From Hell Nudity
Saturday was Richie's birthday.  To mark the occasion, he decided to show of Li'l Richie.  He told everyone that he was going to jump off a cliff, into the pool below, naked.  He got behind the waterfall, took off his suit, then jumped into the pool below.  No one really paid much attention, but somewhere, someone has photographs.  Unfortunately, they're not very flattering.  The water was cold enough that his testes had crawled back up behind his navel.

Gina "The Rock Ambler" Barberi
Along the way, some of Bill's companions, who were friends of the program, asked if Gina could do the hike.  Both Richie and Bill replied with an emphatic, "No."  Gina was deeply offended.  She could do it.  No one can tell Gina what she can't do.  She could do it.  Atropos wrote in to remind Gina of her previous experience hiking with Bill and Richie:



Gina's Sign-off
"I could do it."

Episode #5193
Days until contract expiration: 295

Sign-off

• "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

Short Bus to The Grand Canyon
As Bill readies for his trip with Richie to The Grand Canyon, he's getting some kind of sickness, but he's still going.  When he arrived at the studio this morning, Richie announced, "You should see the motel we're staying in tonight.  It's so trashy."  It's only $30 a night in Kingman, AZ.  When Gina looked up Kingman, AZ, the first thing that came up was that a pedophile in Kingman was just convicted.  Apparently he used to own a $30-per-night motel. 

Bill's is mostly packed up.  He's got all of his food, an ultra-light sleeping bag, and a one-man ultra-light tent.  Richie suggested that they might be able to fit two men in the tent, but Bill recommended against it; between the trail food and the sleeping bag, the tent doubles as the Allred Fart Palace.

Boners (brought to you by a fish taco)
1. "You Shoulda Seen The One That Got Away":  A commercial fisherman in the Gulf of Mexico notified the military after he reeled in what appeared to be a bomb.  It was first reported that the ordinance was live, but later that it was only a test missile to transmit telemetry data.  The military bomb squad dismantled the bomb in an empty parking lot and removed sensitive components.

2. "Come to Arkansas For A Educated Workforce":  A prank caller managed to convince an Arkansas hotel clerk to set off the hotels sprinklers then, to turn them off, break several windows.  The caller claimed to be from the company that installed the sprinklers and asked the clerk to help "reset" the devices.  When the sprinklers began to pour water, the caller told the clerk that he needed to break a window in order to shut off the water.

3. "You've Met Our Coach?  Coach Fagan":  A little league coach in Washington, used his son, a nephew, and another player from his team to break into a vacant shop.  George Spady's son crawled through a vent to unlock the shop, whereupon Coach Spady encouraged the young boys to go inside and  grab things.  The children will not likely be charged, but the coach will.

The hotel clerk is Boner of the Day.

Your List of Things That Must Go
People at a jewelry store who refuse the lotion or hand sanitizer to help remove their rings and then proceed to use their spit as a lubricant.  Hotel guests that thing the fire-sprinkler is a great place to hang clothing.  Hotel housekeepers who bring left half-eaten boxes of crackers and other foods back to the break-room for lunch.  Having your toothbrush tip over on the counter and leave white tooth goo all over the surface.  Calling an accountant a "bean counter."  Mechanics who refuse to explain their services to you because you are a "bean counter."  People who honk outside of an apartment complex until their companion comes out.  People with "No Soliciting" signs on their door that still buy from door-to-door salesmen.  The rock-n-roll or "devil" fingers.  People who hoot or cheer because someone mentioned marijuana.  Couples that share an e-mail address or a FaceBook page.  Voice mail instructions.  Recumbent bikes.  "Did you find everything?"  Clerks that give back your change with the coins on top of the bills.  Crom?  Ed Brass?  Boners?  Hey, sounds great.  Thanks for listening.

A Message From Crom
Crom will make the streets run red with your blood at the proper time.




Happy Birthday Jack Jackson!!

Episode #5189
Days until contract expiration: 303

Opening Song
"Headache" - Frank Black

Sign-offs

• "The worst thing you can do with money is save it."

Crispin Glover II
As Bill was going up to bed last night, he heard something form Little Bill's room.  He opened the door and found the lights turned off, the blinds pulled open, and Little Bill standing before the window in his pajamas with his arms outstretched.  Little Bill's pet rat was running back and forth across his shoulders.  When Bill asked what he was doing, Little Bill replied, "Ratfink and I are just watching the storm.  She quite enjoys it."

Thinning of the Herd
As Gina & Festus were driving home in the storm last night, Festus noticed a family standing on the corner of the street.  The "Dad" was pushing the pedestrian-crossing button the the lamp post and holding hands with his son, who was holding hands with his sister, who was holding hands with her mother.  Festus apparently didn't think it wise to touch a large metal pole during a lightening storm and commented, "That's one family about to be wiped out."

Boners (brought to you by chicken tinga)
1. "My Tweet?  I'm Out For a Run":  Jogging enthusiast James Coleman was brought down during a run by a low-hanging branch that "came out of nowhere."  Mr. Coleman was jogging when he attempted to update his twitter page using his blackberry.  He ran into the branch, was knocked to the ground and left with a bruised black-eye.

2. "You Know How Danged Expensive Power Is?":  A man attempting to steal power by siphoning electricity with a pair of jumper cables was electrocuted and thrown to the ground which left the man with a broken back, neck, and pelvis.  His organs also hardened from the electric jolt.  When police investigated further, they also found a meth lab in the man's home.

3. "He Reaped What He Sowed":  In response to the murder of Dr. George Tiller in a Kansas City Lutheran church, anti-abortion radical Randall Terry further attacked Dr. Tiller and claimed the doctor "was a mass murderer and, horrifically, he reaped what he sowed."

(Author's note: This is the story Gina mentioned on the air.  It relates a touching/disturbing story from a former patient of Dr. Tiller:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jun/01/us-doctor-tiller-killing-abortions)

Mr. Terry is Boner of the Day.


A Message From Crom
"Crom has no need for silly Internet proselytizing."

Opening Song
"Don't You Want Me" - Reel Big Fish

Sign-offs

• I am the queen of The Echo People.
• Just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.

A Message from Crom
"Crom yawns at your imaginary space men."

Boners (brought to you by a coconut apricot cake)
1. "I'm Slow to Anger":  A 78-year-old woman was arrested after she assaulted her 84-year-old husband with a bowl, a pipe, and a carpet sweeper.  The woman accused her husband of having an affair 35 years previous.

2. "A $20 Coin You Say?":  Pennsylvania state police are looking for a man who passed a fake $20 coin to an ice-cream parlor operator.  The patron claimed that the coin was a new issue and managed to convince the ice-cream man to sell him ice cream and give him change for the phony coin.

3. "We'll Show Your Kids What It's Like At Work":  More than 40 children were shocked with stun guns by Florida police during a "Bring your Daughters and Sons to Work Day" activity.  The children, ranging in ages from 5 to 17-years-old, held hands in a circle as one child was stunned and passed the shock around the circle.  Three employees were fired and two resigned.

Florida police are Boners of the Day.

(Author's note:  I'm on vacation this weekend, so the entries will be a bit short.  I apologize for not getting a substitute.)

Episode #5170
Days until contract expiration: 331

Opening Song
"Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)" - The Offspring

Sign-offs

• "I can give you a definite perhaps."

• "Two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday."

Our Son Kyle
Kyle likes to wake up to Radio From Hell.  Kyle's bed is on the floor.  Kyle needs to get skunk spray off his car, for free.  Kyle bought a Sham-Wow.  Kyle believes the small blue one is more of a Sham-Meh.    Kyle tried to use the large orange Sham-Wow as a towel after an ill-advised bath.  Kyle found that it did dry him, but also was scratchy.  Kyle will be discussed in a long conversation between Kerry and Bill off-the-air.

Boners (brought to you by steak and jambalaya)
1. "Crikey!  Help Me!  I'm a Burglar Stuck on the Roof!":  A burglar was forced to call police on himself after he found himself stuck on the roof of a Sydney joinery.  The 53-year-old burglar had climbed up on the roof with his tools of theivery but, during wet conditions, found himself unable to break into the establishment, nor remove himself from the top of the building.  A three-hour operation by the fire-department finally brought the man down, who was quickly arrested.

2. "Karaoke Brawl":  Twelve police officers, bar security, and pepper spray were all required to break up a fight during a karaoke contest in Oregon.  A husband, upset that his wife was slapped on the buttocks whilst singing, instigated the brawl.  The fight escalated until chairs and beer bottles were used as weapons.  Five people were arrested and two were taken to the hospital.

3. "Crikey!  You Wanna Piece of This!?":  A man urinating in his frong yard waved his penis at the woman living next door, then sprayed her car with urine.  Stephen Charles Smart claimed that he thought he was sheilded by his fence.  Mr. Smart also defended his actions, claiming that his neighbor had thrown rocks at his roof and his dog.

The penis waving man is Boner of the Day.

Killing the Comedy
Yesterday, Kerry, Bill, Gina, and Richie were discussing a new feature in which they would baptize, by proxy, non-F.O.Ps.  Listeners would submit the names of their friends or family members who didn't listen to Radio From Hell and they would baptize them, making them honorary F.O.Ps.  Richie thought it was a great idea yesterday, but having more time to think about it, he wasn't quite so sure that everyone would take it in the loving and humorous manner it was intended.  Kerry really just wanted to do the bit and see how it worked out, but, instead, they decided to ask the audience about it...  Unfortunately, it was like over-explaining a joke before you had even told the joke; it sucked the funny out of it.  Kerry blames himself.  So does Bill.

A Message From Crom
"Crom will permit baptism only in the blood of your enemies."

Pepper!  No!
Kerry has, in fact, beaten a dead horse.  REALLY!?  NO!  Yes, Gina.  He really did.  When he was younger, one of the family's horses, Pepper, died.  NO!  Yes, Gina.  Kerry's dad told him to bury it.  Kerry got his friend Dan to come over with his back-hoe to dig the grave.  NO!  Yes, Gina.  As Dan was digging the hole, Kerry got a stick and began striking the horse corpse.  NO!!!  Yes, Gina.  Kerry looked over and Dan and said, "Look, look....I'm beating a dead horse."  HE DIDN'T!  Yes, Gina.  He did.

Unforgettable Quote
"Suck it Bill" - Gina Barberi

Unforgettable Quote #2
"I'm a white squaw." - Gina Barberi

Neglected News
Jamima Simpkins doesn't have a record label, a TV show, nor a movie, but she's on the cover of Vanity Fair.  Jim Clumby is over-exposed in Miami.  His exposure caught him a pair of females.

Gina's Sign-off
"Stay care."

  RFH - 2009-05-01

Episode #5168
Days until contract expiration: 335

Sign-offs

• "Chaos, panic, disorder?  My work here is done."

• "This date was a waste of makeup."

Invasion
As Gina went to sit her oatmeal down on her desk, she noticed that something was already on her desk; a mouse turd,  "CLAIKEN!!!"  Claiken jumped into manly action, grabbed a paper towel, an ran to Ms. Barberi's side.  "Let me get that for you!"  Fortunately the mouse didn't make it into Gina's stash of Delta Airline cookies. 

Kerry suggested that Gina pick up a cat during her Pet Adoption this weekend.  They could have a station cat, like Farnsworth of old.

Boners
1. "I Was Out of Embalming Fluid":  A Flordia Funeral Director had his license suspended after a routine inspection uncovered a 3-month old corpse covered in mold and flies.  The body was not embalmed, or embalmed improperly, nor was it refrigerated to deter decomposition.

2. "Maybe He Is Old, But He's Your Husband":  After numerous legal challenges, an eight-year-old Saudi Arabian girl has been granted a divorce from a fifty-year-old man.  The girl's father sold his daughter for a $13,000 dowry.  Saudi Arabia has no specified legal age for marriage.

3. "You Know, Bill Skeener is the Name You Really Want to Change" or "Let's Get Ed Brass On The Case":  Convicted criminal Jonathan L. Thomas has been rebuffed by a court in his attempt to change his name to Sinner Lawrence Bilskirnir, in accordance with his Norse religious faith.

The selling, marriage, and divorce of an eight-year-old girl is Boner of the Day.

A Message from Crom
"Crom sneezes at Thor and his hammer."

Margaret Ruth
Gina did lighten her hair, but it was not as light as the photograph of Gul du Kim Cardassian.  Gina's hair stylist warned that doing so would ruin her hair, so she went as light as he would allow.  Gina thinks that she fulfilled her end of the bet, and now Bill should have to dye his hair brunette.  Margaret Ruth, The Love Psychic, was chosen as arbiture.  She ruled that Bill did not have to color his hair as Gina's was not as light as in the photograph they discussed.  However, she also ruled that Gina has not lost the bet and can win should she lighten her hair further in the future.

The Painful Circle
Lez-Dar is a registered trademark of this blog, The Radio From Hell Show, and Simmon's Media Group.  Asking for trouble is a sure way to get it.  If he won't leave, send him out to a movie.  Oddly enough, it takes two happy, joyful, whole people to make one moderately workable relationship.  Let one relationship end before you begin another.  Wrap your rascal two times.  "Woods Cross" Wendall will help you forget about Ogden men.  You'll be married within the next 10 years.

That's a Sack
Kerry was given a sack of porn from F.O.P Chris.  Apparently he and his wife buy a lot of porn and tire of it quickly.  Kerry and Bill don't watch much porn, but The Mayor of Comedy, Marcus, does enjoy his time with the porn.  He likes to watch for continuity errors, oh, and the newly popular porn blooper reel. 

A New Title
Marcus, The Mayor of Comedy, isn't sure he deserves the title, Mayor.  He wasn't elected and worries that it makes him seem too cocky.  Bill suggested that he could change to a more realistic, appointed position.  Something like, "The Mosquito Abatement Advisor of Comedy," or maybe "The Comptroller of Comedy."

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" chose yesterday's Boner, Virginia Foxx (Ignorant Bigot - North Carolina) as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"It's the one where it always is."

Episode #5166
Days until contract expiration: 337

Sign-off

• "You proceed from a false assumption. I have no ego to bruise."

Boners (brought to you by Pizza)
1. "Hey, I've Gotta Pay for my Shyster":  A Wisconsin teen previously charged with drug possession, disorderly conduct, and theft was caught robbing cars in order to pay for his lawyer.

2. "So Much For The Separation of Church and State":  Should a bill pass the legislature, the state of Florida will begin to issue license plates featuring a depiction of Jesus Christ tacked up on a cross.  When the issue of separation of church and state was brought up to Governor Charlie Crist, he proposed his solution as, "If people don't want one they don't have to buy one."

3. "Oh, That's Why I'm Always So Thirsty":  A 76-year-old Utah man has sued LDS Hospital after it was found that surgeons left a surgical sponge within his abdomen.  Staff during the original 2007 procedure noted that the sponge count was off, but did not detect any sponge in an X-ray.  The sponge was eventually found a year later during a CT scan.

The State of Florida and Governor Crist are Boners of the Day.


A Message from Crom
"Crom sneers at your silly gods - traveling by Yugo."

Your List of Things That Must Go
People who don't wear a size and age appropriate bathing suit.  People who don't watch their [huggin'] kids in the pool.  Moms with the half-bob/half-shag haircut.  Advertisements for restaurants that don't exist in Utah.  Republicans blaming everything bad that happened during The Bush Administration on The Clinton Administration.  Fox 13 discussing American Karaoke every night of the week.  People who tell pregnant women what to do.  "Hello?  Yeah?  What!?"  Rumors about sci-fi and comic book movies.  Unreleased video games.  People who treat property lines like a compost heap.  People who ask to use the Fire Exit as an exit.  People who ignore closed signs.  Restaurant booths that are made for two people.  "With the volume turned up."  The HAL9000 toaster on the Quizno's commercial.  "OMG."  "He is my soul mate."  "He completes me."  The guy at the gym who showers right next to you even though there are several other empty stalls.

Gina's Sign-off
"Poke her!"

Episode #5165
Days until contract expiration: 338

Opening Song
"The Worst Hangover Ever" - The Offspring

Sign-off

• "Don't make me release the flying monkeys."
• "Why be difficult when you can be impossible?"

Boners (brought to you by a swine burrito)
1. "I'm a Therapist and I Have Panic Attacks":  The White House has apologized after a government photo shoot of a Boeing 747 flying over New York caused widespread panic and building evacuations.  The plane serves as Air Force One and the White House was updating a catalog of photographs.  The plane was accompanied by two F-16 fighters.  Police were informed of the event, but were told that the information was to be kept secret.

2. "If You're a Liberal, The Devil Made You Do It":  GOP delegate from Springville, and former Boner winner, Don Larsen, was once again rebuffed in an attempt to pass a "Resolution opposing the Hate America anti-Christian Open Borders cabal."  Mr. Larsen believes that there is an invisible government of left-wing foundations that is funding The Democratic Party in an effort to increase illegitimate births and illegal immigration.  Fortunately Mr. Larson is not crazy enough to blame The Democrats themselves; "Satan's ultimate goal is to destroy the family and these people are playing a leading part in it."

3. "Who Wants to Buy Some Moustache Hair? ":  Murderer Mark Hacking's mail will now be searched after explicit letters and some moustache hair were found for sale on a website specializing in "true crime collectibles."  Mr. Hacking shot his wife, Lori, and disposed of her body in a dumpster.  This is the second time that items belonging to Mr. Hacking have been found for sale in such a manner.

Don Larsen is once again Boner of the Day.

A Message from Crom
"Crom has no interest in the country of your origin, only the strength of your steel."

Let's Get it On
During his show on Saturday night, The Mayor of Comedy, Marcus, noticed a couple up front who didn't appear to be enjoying any of the other comics.  When Marcus began to perform, they seemed to lighten up a little bit....until his Back to the Future jokes began. 

Marcus begins by observing that the time-travel movies are now 25 years old.  In the second movie, set in 2015, there are flying cars, hovering skate-boards,  and women that look strangely like Alex P. Keaton.  If that movie were true to life and Doc had traveled to our time, what would he report back?  That oil has started two wars in the middle east, the polar ice caps were melting, and a Terminator was governor of California?  And what would Doc say when Marty asked about his own future?  "I'd say it's a littleshaky." 

At this point, the gentleman up front got up and began to leave, hollering, "You don't make jokes about Parkinson's!"  Marcus fired back something like, "That's where you draw the line?  After all the other things I've said, that's it?  Would it have beenOK if had been a black guy with Parkinson's?"  The gentleman hastily inquired of Marcus, who is a former professional wrestler, "You wanna fight!?"  Marcus put his mic back in the stand and replied simply, "OK."  The man charged the stage and had to be held back by the club's manager.  The whole time this was going on, his wife just sat there until finally saying, "I don't know why he did that."

Let's Get it On #2
Yesterday marked 18-years since Bill first met Mrs. Bill at Club DV8.  Bill was wearing a sports coat, as "Harvard" sweater, and a baseball cap.  Mrs. Bill, on the other hand, was wearing tight black stretch pants and a neoprene bustier.  At some point Mrs. Bill was tempted to throw the outfit away, but, "No, no, no, no, no."  Bill needs to keep those around.

Episode #5160
Days until contract expiration: 345

Opening Song
"On My Way" - Billy Boy on Poison

Sign-off

• "First Rule of the Kitchen: Hot glass looks just like cold glass."
• "The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its limits."

Keifer!  Keifer!  Keifer!
Keifer Sutherland (son of The Donald) was a very pleasant guest.  He was polite, gracious, intelligent, well-spoken, and happy to discuss nearly anything.  Music, rodeo, movies, TV, politics, Donald Sutherland (father of The Keifer), J&B scotch, and everything else seemed to be fair game.  He was completely unlike 90% of the celebrities that Radio From Hell are allowed to interview.  The band that he was promoting was even good enough to be immediately added to The X96 Big Ass Show following yesterday's interview.

Our Son Kyle
Attention to all of the people who used to beat up on Kyle and Punk in high school, Kyle will *not* accept you as a FaceBook friend. 

Kyle has been watching the TV show Weeds.  In one episode, two characters are talking about a piece of the anatomy, between the legs, that separates the front side from the backside.  They refer to it as a "coffee-table", or, in Gina's case, it's an ottoman.  After that show, Kyle has been very self-conscious about his "coffee-table."  It's hairy and unsightly.  As such, Kyle decided to wax his table.  It took two tries, but it wasn't nearly as painful as he hoped.  Of course, in a couple of days, Kyle's bike shorts won't be very comfortable.  After this, Bill recommended that Kyle trade in his "coffee-table" for an "occasional table" or perhaps even a hutch.  See ya!

Boners (brought to you by fries)
1. "I'll Teach You To Drive Under All Conditions":  A driving instructor in Massachusetts was stripped of his job and his license after giving a lesson whilst highly intoxicated.  He was discovered after a convenience store clerk smelled alcohol on the instructor and phoned police.

2. "Scared The Poo Out of 'im":  A teen burglar was so surprised by a Centerville police officer that he soiled himself before fleeing on foot.  Officer Chad Taylor was sitting in his personal, in the drive-way, as he spoke to another deputy on the telephone.  Through the rear-view window he saw the teen attempting to enter his wife's vehicle.  When that failed, he approached the car in which Officer Taylor sat.  As he got to the door, Taylor kicked the door open and ordered the teen to stop.  He heard....something.....then the teen turned to flee.  The would-be burglar was later found at a nearby home where a party was being held and arrested.

3. "I Put it on the Fridge as a Reminder":  A woman was charged with animal cruelty after she wrapped her boyfriend's dog in packing tape and stuck the animal upside down on the fridge.  Abby Toll was upset that her boyfriend refused to get rid of "Rex", a Shiba Inu puppy.  Rex has been removed from the house put up for adoption.

The pant-spoiling teen is Boner of the Day.


Genetically Modified Homos
Bill's FaceBook friend, Nineveh Dinha, was thinking about writing a story on genetically modified foods.  As an example, Ms. Dinha mentioned the "grapple."  Unfortunately for Ms. Dinha, the grapple is not a genetically modified food.  It's an apple with a ton of added flavorings that add a grape-like flavor.  Kerry is all in favor of genetically modified foods.  If they can get corn that grows in Africa, so people aren't starving to death, why not?  Oh, and there's a storm coming.  The wind is strong, and I am afraid of the queers.  They'll be getting married, punishing churchs, punishing doctors, and little girls will have no choice but to marry another little girl.  Look, NOM, if you have valid arguments against same-sex marriage, go ahead and make them, but don't just outright lie.  Nobody wants to force churches to marry gay folk.

A Message from Crom
"Crom only cares for how you fight, not for who or what you mate."

Neglected News
Lindsay wants to be a striper.  She's got three threats when she is sober.  The Hills is the worst show and people who watch and Tivo it are idiots.  Criss Angel is in trouble after creating a terrible, terrible show that has received nothing but terrible reviews.  He also decided to curse out Perez Hilton in front of his G-rated, family friendly audience. 

Gina's Sign-off
"We're hopin' for a gusher!"

Episode #5156
Days until contract expiration: 351

The Aftermath
Bill survived his colonoscopy without much damage.  In fact, by the time 1:30pm rolled around, even the IV of glucose was a welcome relief from the starvation.  Then they took Bill into the operating room and gave him some kind of inhaled relaxant.  It was very nice.  Then, they gave him the propofol.  <Bink>.  Bill didn't remember anything after that until after the procedure and F.O.P Laura asked him how he felt.  Bill felt great, except for the mass of air filling his intestines.  Laura encouraged Bill to go ahead and get rid of it in the usual way.  If Laura gets a bunch of patients in recovery together, it's much like a bittersweet symphony of flatus. As Bill continued to wake up, he felt really, really good.  He was so well rested and relaxed!  When he got home, Mrs. Bill made him some nice poached eggs and some toast.  He followed that with some milk, crackers, and a gin martini.

Boners (brought to you by a gin martini)
1. "Sorry Honey, You're Out of a Job":  During a surgical procedure a hospital administrator pulled an attending nurse out of the operating room and told her that they were laying her off.  She was forced to leave the hospital immediately.

2. "Bitch Owed Me":  A man in Oak Creek, WI slashed his mother with a knife and shot her three times with an AK-47 over a matter of $2.  Frederick Bertrang claimed that he became angry when his mother refused to give him the two dollars to pay for a bar's cover charge.  Mr. Bertrang stabbed her twice in the leg, fled to the basement, and began firing his assault rifle up through the floor.

3. "Porn Test":  During a broadcast of the Good Friday mass from The Vatican, a Philadelphia Comcast station inadvertently showed 30 seconds of an advertisement for the "Girls Gone Wile" videos.

Frederick Bertrang is Boner of the Day.

Soulless Killing Machines
When Kerry and Bill were still working in Ogden, they were called by Chris Devine, who owned KBER.  Kerry and Bill had a lousy signal, but were still matching and sometimes beating KBER's morning show in the ratings.  When they met, Mr. Devine asked Kerry and Bill what they were making at KJQ.  They told him and he replied, "I'll pay ya that."  No raise - just, "I'll pay ya that."  When Kerry and Bill inquired as to why they would bother making the switch for no increase in pay or benefits, Mr. Devine answered, "You'd be workin' for The Bear!" 

Kerry and Bill decided on the way home that the probably didn't want to work at 'The Bear.'

Things That Must Go
Bill

• Bill's colon polyps.
• "Hiding money from the wife" jokes.
  • This includes comments about "the wife" being a shopaholic.
• Jokes about John McCain being old.
• Kentucky Fried Chicken once again trying to be healthy with their new KGC; Kentucky Grilled Chicken.

Gina

• Guys who drive vipers.
• Guys who wear their sunglasses on the back of their head.
• Whoever in Gina's house that keeps leaving the bathroom door open, allowing Li'l Mohamed the chance to place Gina's shoe in the terlet water.

Kerry

• All the tea-baggers who fell for the tea party gimmick.  You fell for a radio/television/corporate stunt. 
• People at Starbucks who stare at the menu.
• People at Starbucks who put their money at the very bottom of their purse.
• The lazy pothead with the fake crutches at the concert.
  • Mostly because Kerry is pissed that he didn't think of it first.
• People who are upset that Kerry nuked Cleveland and is threatening to nuke Detroit.  It's a sound effect.

A Message from Crom
"Crom laughs at this silliness.  Gives Jesus a sword.  Who would you bet on?"

Neglected News
Jennifer Aniston is too good for that racist ol' John Mayer.  Dr. Jim Carrey and Dr. Jenny McCarthy don't want you to vaccinate your children.  Vaccines are poison that will give your indigo child a raging case of autism.  Instead, Dr. Jenny McCarthy endorses ejecting botullism into your face.

Episode #5136
Days until contract expiration: 379

Sign-offs

• "No one is a virgin.  The world screws us all."
• "If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out."

Karaoke Chat
"Crom will destroy America to save it from American [Karaoke]."

Boners (brought to you by Unka Todd's excellent corned beef and Gina's ruined corned beef)
1. "I Got My Deer!"  A West Valley man has been jailed on domestic violence charges after beating his girlfriend with a set of deer antlers.

2. "The Answer is Blowing in the Wind":  The portable lavatory that Bob Dylan has placed on his palatial estate is "raising a stink."  Neighbors are complaining that the noxious raw sewage stench is causing severe discomfort and may be causing illness.

3. "The Senator and The Songwriter Does Neither Very Well":  Senator Orrin Hatch is seeking to pass a bill that seemingly punishes radio stations for promoting a performers material.  The bill will seek to add additional fees each time a radio station plays a song.  Stations already pay significant royalties to song-writers each time their songs are aired.

Our esteemed senator, Orrin Hatch, is Boner of the Day

I Didn't Ruin the Dinner
Gina ruined Joe's corned beef and cabbage.  It was just as well.  Gina doesn't understand boiled meat.  Meat should only and always bee cooked outside over an open flame.  She followed the simple recipe and boiled the meat with the onions, celery, and spices for two hours.  She then took Bill's advice and placed the beef under the broiler for ten minutes.  It turned all leathery.  Bill reminded Gina that she was using Joe's recipe and should have done it Joe's way.  All was not lost.  The green cake that Gina purchased from a French bakery turned out just fine. 

Things That Must Go
Gina

• People in the customer service industry that can't fake a good attitude.
• People that don't acknowledge you when you hold the door for them.
• The onion smell on Gina's hands.

Bill

• Comedians on news programs.
• "...with all the trimmings."
• Baby pictures as your Facebook profile photo.  Is that you as a baby?  Your baby?  A random baby?
• A picture with two people as your Facebook profile photo.  Which is you?
• The corrective honk.  Bill knows he did something mildly illegal.  Leave him alone.

Kerry

• If you're parking a motorcycle in a busy parking log, park towards the back of the stall so it is easily visible.
• On "Take Your Kid to Work Day", only do so if you have an exciting job.
• Only John Lennon is allowed to sing "Imagine."
• "Twits" on Twitter.  A "Tweet" is something funny or clever.  A "Twit" is another "doing my nails now" or "getting ready to go jogging" or some other pointless and boring announcement.

Gina's Sign-off
"I swallowed a shell."

Episode #5116
Days until contract expiration: 408

Our Son Kyle
Kyle was a little out of it this morning.  He took an Ambien at about 4:30am because he couldn't sleep.  This is only a problem because he has to get up at 9:00am.  Fortunately, Kyle did find himself in an actual mattress.  Kerry suggested that Kyle call in sick to work, but Kyle is self-employed and would never accept calling in drugged and tired as a valid excuse.  See ya!

Foot Fungus?
During the winter months, Gina loves her "uggs", those oversized, puffy, ill-designed, and unattractive boots.  Today, she's in her running-shoes, which is a joke in and of itself.  The problem?  Foot fungus?  No!  It's plantar fasciitis.  Lately, she's been having some severe pain whenever she attempted to walk after getting up in the morning.  The "uggs" have no arch support in the soles, resulting in the condition.  Apparently it's an epidemic.  But just because Gina was in pain for an entire day because of the "uggs", Gina's not giving them up!

Boners
1. "I'm Going for a Ride with Daddy":  The Phoenix Suns have suspended Jason Richardson after he was arrested on allegations of driving more than 90 miles-per-hour in a 35 mile-per-hour area with his three-year-old son in the back of the car.  Richardson's son was not wearing strapped into a car-seat, nor even wearing a seatbelt.

2. "It Blowed Up Real Good":  Two men were arrested and four others were being questioned for allegedly pouring gasoline down a sewer in Draper and setting it aflame.  The subsequent explosion tossed a manhole cover several feet into the air.  Apparently pleased with the effect, the men were caught allegedly attempting to duplicate the effect in West Jordan.

3. "Dōmo arigatō Mr. Drunkado ":  The finance minister of Japan has agreed to resign after officials believed he was intoxicated during the G7 conference.  The minister blamed the effect on jet lag and cough medicine.  In 2006, in an appearance beforeparliament , the minister ceased speaking for nearly 30 seconds, whilst standing motionless.  On that occasion, the minister put the blame on pain medicine.

Jason Richardson is Boner of the Day.

Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry
Doug Fabrizio is dead to Bill Frost, who appeared as a flash on the "Love" episode of Utah Now.  Richie was the star of the episode.  Most of Richie's scenes showed him doing mundane tasks like brushing his teeth, shaving, or tying his shoes whilst sad music played in the background.  Richie discussing his own pain with love was heartbreaking, and only a little pathetic.  Word apparently traveled to Booster in Boston rather quickly.  She'll probably not mind the show much, except for that one shot of her picture on the dart-board of the stud stable, covered in knives.

The Word of Crom
"Crom has no use for such pathetic human frailty." - Nancy "Conan" Grace

Neglected News
Bill accidentally blended and ate the "do not eat" packet included in his protein shake.  He's fine.  Nathan, the F.O.P who called in on Friday with love trouble, got out of trouble.  No hanky-panky for Nathan.  He only has to wait until June 2010.  Richie doesn't suggest that.  Joaquinn experienced muscle slowing.  Jimmy Fallon will....heheheheheheheheh....not.......ehehehehehehehee......ruin.... eheheheheheheh... the  "Late Night.......hehehehehehehe....monologue.

Gina's Sign-off
"I'm peeling."

Episode #5102
Days until contract expiration: 429

Sign-off

• "Don't let your mind wander.  It's far too small to be out on it's own."
• "What's the matter?  Don't you get enough attention at home?"

Unforgettable Quote
"Accidental Entertainment Since 1986." - Kerry Jackson

Our Son Kyle
This year, Kyle is going to stop exaggerating his character and be "real."  Though many things Kyle says on the show are real (his love of Neil Diamond, Yanni, and Britney Spears), some things have been exaggerated. 

This morning he woke up sore and tired because he slept on the beat-up couch in his office.  Kyle has an office?  Yes, but that's another story.  Sleeping in an a commercial building is illegal, even if you own the building and/or office.  For dinner last night, Kyle had himself a lovely can of tuna fish.  He would have added some mayonnaise, but it froze inside the crappy little refrigerator in his officer.  Instead, he had to add some of the warm hot-sauce from a packet left over from some fast Mexican food.  It only took him three plastic forks to get one that would properly stir the tuna fish. 

Today, Kyle needs to run to an empty, bank-owned property to retrieve some money he has hidden there.  Kyle had to hide the money there when he sued himself so that he could appear to have less money than he actually did.  Why did Kyle sue himself?  That's another story.  Why did he hide the money in a bank-owned property?  That's another story.  How is it not illegal for Kyle to enter an empty, bank-owned property?  That's another story.  See ya!

Boners (brought to you by a piece of steak)
1. "You Get That Stuff I Sent Ya?":  A mentally ill inmate of a Missouri city jail has been accused of mailing bodily fluids to a circuit court.  Officials of the jail are supposed to watch as each letter sent out of the jail is sealed.

2. "He is Otherwise a Good and Honest Man ":  Pope Benedict XVI has lifted the excommunication of Richard Williamson, a former Bishop who has repeatedly denied that the genocide of Jewish people by the Nazis ever happened.

3. "Pay Up or We'll Freeze You Out":  A 93-year-old Michigan man froze to death in his home after Bay City Electric Company turned off electricity to the man's home.  The utility claims that Marvin Schur had more than $1,000 in past due bills.  Mr. Schur died a slow and painful death of hypothermia after the utility company installed a "limiter" on the man's home to restrict his usage of electricity.  The utility company denied any responsibility and suggested that neighbors should be more vigilant and "keep an eye" on one another.

The Bay City Electric Company is Boner of the Day.

Unforgettable Quote
"Crom cares nothing for your constitution." - Nancy Grace

Episode #5077
Days until contract expiration: 479

Boners
1. "I'd Like the Venison Pizza":  A customer of the Stromboli pizza parlor in Allentown, PA, alerted health department officials that the employees of the restaurant appeared to be butchering a deer in the kitchen.  The health department investigated and found the claim to be true.  The restaurant owner claimed that he had left the deer in the kitchen to be picked up by a friend and employees butchered the animal by mistake.  The deparment declined to issue a ticket.

2. "They Told Me I Could Use the Runway ":  An Ohio man, caught doing doughnuts in his car on the runway of a small airport claimed that the FAA had given him permission to test his brakes on the runway.  The man was intoxicated, and charged with DUI.

3. "Now, Let's See.  Who Should We Use For Our Slavery Demonstration?"  During a discussion of slavery in a seventh-grade social studies class, the white teacher in bound the hands of two African-American girls in her class.  The incident prompted outrage from the girls' mother and the local NAACP.  The teacher has since offered an apology for the event.

The ill-intended teacher is Boner of the Day.

Believing in Allah?  That's Stupid.
Joe announced that the family needed to go visit Grandpa Jones for the Eid ul-Adha, an Islamic holiday.  Festus was confused, Grandpa Jones is a Muslim?  Yes, Festus.  He Prays a bunch of times a day?  Yes, Festus.  Gina pointed out that Festus prays at least three times a day during his time at Catholic school.  To Allah?  Yes, Festus.  Grandpa Jones prays to God and calls him Allah. 

None of this, however, matters in the least.  Crom laughs at your prayers and never answers them.