RFH - 2009-11-17

Episode #5300
Days until contract expiration: 135
Edition 1073 of Atropos' blog.
Day 49 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 358 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Long-Winded Summary
Coco Bongo is like a crazy nightclub, show, and concert at the same time. They keep the populace well lubed with adult beverages as Mambo #5 plays, KISS impersonators sing, and Spider-man Battles The Green Goblin. In fact, Kerry is rethinking his opposition to the Spider-man musical.

Bill was ripped off by a Taxi driver who drove him approximately 20-feet. Cost him $5. Sue was not so bullied. The taxi-driver told Sue that it would be $5. When they arrived at their destination, he demanded $10. Sue threw a bunch of pesos at the driver (about $6.50) and said, "That's all you're getting."

Gina went to get herself a "mani" and "peddi" (manicure and pedicure) and had her fingernails painted. She NEVER gets her fingernails painted, and she got them painted red. Bill predicts that when she gets home and sees Joe he'll regard her fingernails and say, "You know I don't like it when you look like a whore. Kids, don't look at your mother. She looks like a whore."

Whilst Gina was getting all whored up, a douchebag American came in for a haircut. He actually had the huevos to ask the elderly lady cutting his hair what "pendejo" means.

Bill has been telling his children not to feed the agoutis because he saw one of them eating a human finger. Really. It kind of looked like a French Fry, but then Bill saw that the little rodent had it up in its hands and was eating around a wedding ring.

Bill also learned that Mayan food is very similar to tourist food. He went to a restaurant advertising Mayan cuisine and had flank steak, butterflied shrimp, chicken fingers, and a "Mayan Chocolate bomb." Real genuine Mayan food.

The conservative talking heads like Hannity, Limbaugh, and Beck are lying to you. After talking with a Canadian and British citizens, they are not coming to The United States for their health care, they don't understand why we don't want universal healthcare, and they love their universal healthcare systems.

Bill gave the first discussion to a couple of Canadians he met. They began to ask about The LDS church, so Bill gave them the basics. Richie was proud that Bill actually managed to hit four of the five major subjects of the missionary first discussion. After that, Bill and The Canadians went down to the topless beach to debate healthcare.

Whilst down at the beach, Gina asked Kerry to watch her purse and she went out in the water. "Gina going swimming? The hell you say?" Oh, Gina was not about to go swimming - not in the ocean with all kinds of creatures and waves and things. Gina just waded out until the water hit her knees, put her hands on her hips, stuck out her gut, and tried to have a deep thought. Really! She was taking it in!

After a late evening/early morning of alcohol and sex-free fun, Richie and his not-girlfriend woke up at 6:00am and took a ferry over to the island. He had paid for a scuba class and was going to meet the people over there. Unfortunately, when they arrived, "Daniel" was not there to meet them. After asking about, they met Adolof, whom they were assured, "is like Daniel." They spent 15 minutes learning to scuba, then headed out to the ocean. Not-girlfriend was slightly freaked out, but eventually they began having fun - until Richie dove too deep too fast and popped his eardrum. After that, they left the water and went on a scooter trip around the island.


Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5023
Days until contract expiration: 560

Sign-offs

• "What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?"
• "How many turtles does it take to make one can of turtle wax?"

Horrible, Terrible Tragedy
Bill's family has recently been fostering some guinea pigs for a local animal shelter.  Apparently the guinea pigs were rescued from a medical lab, and were naturally a little scared and shy.  The shelter wanted to acclimate the guinea pigs to people so they could adopt them out.  Last night, Bill noticed that one of the guinea pigs was looking really skinny and sickly.  Little Bill took the little one from Little Mrs. Bill and was holding it and petting it when he realized that the rodent had gone towards the light.  Little Bill was very upset.  Mrs. Bill asked whether Little Bill wanted to wait for the shelter to come and get the remains or to bury it themselves in the back yard.  Little Bill decided it was best to bury it themselves.  Little Mrs. Bill was ecstatic!  "Yeah!  Let's dig a grave!  Yaaay!"  She really didn't have any concept of what was going on.  She was just having a great time.  She was particularly interested in finding the headstone.  "Can we write 'Dead Guinea Pig' on it!?"  All the while, Little Bill is really having a hard time.  On the headstone, Little Bill inscribed, "Here Lies an Unknown Guinea Pig."  Little Bill then said a few words and buried the animal.

Afterward, Little Bill remembered that a few years ago his beta fish, Ruby, had passed on.  Little Bill, who has a great respect for all living things, couldn't bear to part with Ruby at the time, so the corpse was frozen in the freezer.  After burying the guinea pig, Little Bill finally decided that it was time to bury Ruby alongside.  Little Mrs. Bill was stoked!  Another grave!  Another tombstone!  Bill just hopes she is that excited and happy when he finally passes on.

Boners
1. "That's My Boy!"  A Kentucky police officer is under fire after taking his son with him on official business and allowing the child to perform official police duties including patting down suspects and applying handcuffs.  The officer is charged with helping to facilitate an impersonation of an officer.

2. "I'll Eventually Get My Boyfriend":  A woman in Ogden was, unbelievably, intoxicated at the time she crashed her vehicle into two other vehicles thinking that her boyfriend was driving each.  One driver was on the phone with police as he attempted to avoid the woman's driving attacks.  Jessica Cervantes, 23, will also be charged with providing incorrect information to police officers after she gave them a false name.

3. "Yup...It's A Boner":  Washington Redskins tight-end, Chris Cooley, has apologize for posting an image of his penis on his official blog.  Mr. Cooley was studying his playbook, in the nude, when he took an picture of the book and posted it.  Mr. Cooley failed to notice that his genitals were visible at the bottom of the frame.

The Ogden drunk driver is Boner of the Day.


Humiliation!
Gina embarrassed herself in public this week.  Li'l Mohamed has taken to crawling, and as such, Gina thought that the chihuahua-urine soaked area rug should be properly cleaned.  She called around and found that "Adib's" rug gallery could clean the rug.  Gina loaded up the rug and took it to the store, which is in an old theater building.  It is beautiful and immaculate inside.  As she walked through the door, a beautiful and perfectly groomed woman came out to meet her.  Everything about the store indicated class and dignity.  When Gina told the woman that she had a run to be cleaned, the woman radioed a hulking, brown-skinned, beautiful man to fetch it from Gina's car.  Gina is considering hiring the man privately to move her carpet around from time to time.

As the rug was brought in, the woman and man unrolled it in order to measure it.  As they did so, dozens of cheerios went spilling out across this immaculate store.  Gina was mortified.  Of course, she was not so embarrassed that she didn't try and get the "middle-east" discount by signing her married name on the paperwork.  Bill feel that she should be much more embarrassed about that little tidbit.

The Samurai Warrior
Richie is in Austin this week to not accept the award that Radio From Hell won't be receiving from Radio & Records (R&R) Magazine.  Kerry, Bill, and Gina called Richie to make sure that he thanks the right people should, in some strange mirror-universe, they actually win the award.  Richie had planned on thanking everyone in the industry for making the award possible.  To hell with that.  Bill doesn't want to thank the industry for his successful show.  Richie should grab the award and just belt into the microphone, "Screw ya'll!!"

On his trip thus far, Richie has tried some authentic Texican cuisine; deep fried creamed corn nuggets dipped in brown, or white gravy - served with a side of deep fried mushrooms.  Droool.  Droool.

Your List of Things That Must Go
Political e-mail garbage sent by ignorant people.  Hearing people who leave the bathroom without washing their hands.  The messy yogurt burp.  "Dude", especially when addressing women.  People who exercise at their desk.  Obvious public service announcements.  For example, the recent advertisements encouraging drivers to pay attention whilst on the road.  Nirvana and the Kurt Cobain worshipers.  If he hadn't blown his head off and left his only daughter to be raised by a crack-whore, he wouldn't be that popular now.  Long e-mail tag lines.  Colored shoe laces that don't match the shoes.  Long voice mail messages or singing voice mail messages.  Pantyhose.  Bluetooth.  "Pullers" that try and open the doors of an obviously closed business.  The tree-hugging eco-hippies in Boulder, CO, with their recycling cops, naked kids, and poor hygiene.

Neglected News
Megan fox was the chicken transformer.  She was incredibly life-like.  Megan likes to group her boyfriend "down there."  He especially enjoys it when Megan makes him a bunt cake and he eats it whilst she touches him "down there."  Jessica Simpson is gassy, but covers it up with her new perfume, "Fancy."  Kerry's alias on Gears of War is "Sgt. Sideboob."  Eva Mendes loves her butt, her thumb, and her mind in Arizona.

Episode #5014
Days until contract expiration: 573

Sign-offs

• Most people have faith.  You can tell by the way they drive.
• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Looks Like We've Made It
Bill finished his last movie scene with Trent Harris last night.  Delightful Water Universe will premier sometime this fall.  When he was finished, Bill expected some kind of fanfare, but Mr. Harris just said, "Well, we'll see ya Bill."  When he got home, Bill realized that he had finally become a big celebrity.  He celebrated by pouring himself a glass of wine and cleaning up the salmon from a dinner party at his home.  All he needs now is an IMDB entry and a yellow pedestrian sports car.

Critter Trouble
No, not the raccoons in Bill's yard.  It's Kerry's problem.  Kerry's former friend, Skillet the Squirrel, was recently squished by car.  Sue managed to find a new squirrel and alerted Kerry to the news by screaming as if she had found a corpse.  It was a squirrel, who was tearing apart Kerry's patio furniture for padding, ostensibly for a winter nest.  Kerry chased it away, but it's obvious that it keeps coming back.  Kerry isn't making friends with this squirrel; he's buying a BB gun.  This time, Kerry isn't making friends.  He isn't going to feed the squirrel, name it, or love it.  That's how they got stuck with Gina.

Boners (brought to you by wild coho salmon)
1. "Off the Air Again":  Another remote, another 10 interruptions as Radio From Hell goes off the air again and again.  The engineer, Ben, finally figured out that it was a faulty piece of equipment.

2. "Jon Huntsman Jr.  'One of Us.  One of Us'":  Utah's beloved governor, Jon Huntsman Jr, is the most recent Republican to claim that Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) has plenty of foreign policy experience because "The state borders Russia and Canada, for heaven's sake."  Though Russia and Alaska are close, they don't actually share a border, nor does that constitute foreign policy experience.

3. "Lawyers?  Pttthhaaaahhh":  Paul Baldwin was arrested for the 152nd time after stealing a can of beer.  When asked if he wated a laywer, Mr. Baldwin said,  "I don't need a lawyer.  I've been in this court more than you have, Your Honor."  The judge imposed a $10,000 bail.

Governor Huntsman is Boner of the Day.


Unforgettable Quote
"Somebody get me the nut-cutter." - Bill Allred

Jeff Vice
Nicholas Cage's latest train wreck, Bangkok Dangerous, was not screened for critics.  How does Mr. Cage keep getting work?

Everybody Wants to be Italian is full of Italian stereotypes.  It desperately wants to be the next My Big, Fat Greek Wedding.  It fails miserably.  The actor was cast because of his abs.  The actress was cast for her rack.  The two pretend to be Italian and suck at it.  0 stars.

Frozen River is a Sundance film about a single mother who ends up in the middle of an illegal smuggling operation across the US/Canadian border.  It's grim, gritty and very, very good.  3 stars.

Kicking It is a documentary about The Homeless World Cup soccer match.  The American team comes off as a bunch of douches, and it's excellent.  3 stars.

Turdition
This past weekend was the first annual SteadMAN Campout.  It wasn't really a campout.  The men all just stayed in a motel in Park City.  The Stead-men are nice to other people, but not to each other.  'Dad' is mocked as he has no ass and is old.  'Brother' is married without kids and a wife that wants kids.  'Brother' was in love with a girl who broke up with him.  Richie is huge, like a clydesdale horse, and his girlfriend moved to Boston.  It was a lot of put-downs and crotch hitting.  They're making it a regular event.

Gina's Sign-off
"Get me the nut-cutters."