Episode #5141
Days until contract expiration: 372
Opening Song
"Heterosexual Man" - Odds
Sign-off
Chew and Screw
Last night Mrs. Bill had to dine and dash...which was funny because she had just seen a sign on a burger joint advertising it's services which read, "Dine and Dash. Fresh and Fast." Apparently they would like you to go in, eat, and leave without paying. Kerry has only done that once in his life. He was at a restaurant and the waiter just disappeared. They waited, and waited, and waited, but he never returned. They were late for their movie, so they just bailed. Bill has done it twice. Once for the same reason as Kerry and once because he was drunk and his alcoholic brother-in-law told him it would be a good idea.
A Good Idea?
Besides his food theivery, Bill also accidentally committed a felony. At the time of the commission, twenty years ago, he didn't know it was illegal, but now he does. He was exploring some Native American cliff dwellings and found four or five pottery chards that he collected for souvenirs. He's always meant to take them back, but still hasn't. Of course, should you be a member of law enforcement and reading this blog, Bill made the whole thing up as a radio stunt.
Boners (brought to you by roast chicken)
1. "Ms. Nelson? Would You Pull Your Pants Up Please": A Florida middle-school teacher has been placed on administrative leave after her students had to tell her to pull her pants up. Kylene Nelson apparently showed up to class highly intoxicated. She grabbed several students and demanded that they dance with her before exposing her buttocks to the class. Several students photographed and videotapped the incident on their cell-phones. Eventually Ms. Nelson fled to a nearby pool and passed out.
2. "No Backsies": Paying his Qwest phone bill online for the first time, Arthur Simmons dutifully entered $121.14, but accidently neglected the decimal place. This caused Qwest to withdrawl more than $12,000 dollars from Mr. Simmons' account. When Mr. Simmons' called to remedy the situation, the Qwest representative told him it would take at least six-weeks to get him a refund. Thankfully, Channel 4 news called and Mr. Simmons will now be receiving his refund in a more timely manner.
3. "Nobody's Gonna Get My Pot": A New Jersey Dentist was found to have more than 40 marijuana plants along with several firearms in his home. They were discovered by police when the dentist's burglar alarm went off and automatically notified police of a potential break-in.
Customer service specialists, Qwest Communications, is Boner of the Day.
Movie Review
Yesterday, Kerry went and saw I Love You Man. Paul Rudd is great. Usually he plays the quick, smart, and witty friend. Not so in this movie. Instead, he plays the friend that tries and fails at being quick, smart, and witty. Like The Shatner, Lou Ferrigno has finally learned to make fun of himself. Years ago, when Gina was pregnant with Festus, Radio From Hell had interviewd Mr. Ferrigno and found him to be a humorless ass.
Your List of Things That Must Go
Milk expiration and confusion about which date line to use but your children are bad and having a conniption and the dairy person will be sure to do something about it. And what is the deal with the long voice mail instructions? And how about airline food? Doesn't that just suck? Make sure the automatic toilet flushes your business. If it doesn't, use your foot to push the button - or stand on one foot, take off your shoe, and then press it with your shoe. Women getting preggo and having children. Complaining about snow in Utah. "You just don't understand." "Will you do me a flavor?" "Skissors!" "Where are the bathrooms at?" Guys. Skinny being more important than donuts. The little red peppers in frozen entrees. Able bodied mothers who park in the handicapped spot when picking up their children from school. "My taxes pay your salary." "Don't you have something better to do than pull me over?" "I know my rights!" "Why don't you go get a doughnut?" "You're the reason people hate cops." "I saw [blank] on CSI. Can't you try that?"
Is That You!?
Last night, Sue came in to "Kerry's" bedroom to tell him to roll over, in order to stop his snoring. As she did so, Kerry said, "I love you. Go and see how Dennis looks." NO one is sure who Dennis is or might be.
Gina's Sign-off
"Get in ma' belly!"
Days until contract expiration: 372
Opening Song
"Heterosexual Man" - Odds
Sign-off
- "Some days I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe."
- "All stressed out and no one to choke."
Chew and Screw
Last night Mrs. Bill had to dine and dash...which was funny because she had just seen a sign on a burger joint advertising it's services which read, "Dine and Dash. Fresh and Fast." Apparently they would like you to go in, eat, and leave without paying. Kerry has only done that once in his life. He was at a restaurant and the waiter just disappeared. They waited, and waited, and waited, but he never returned. They were late for their movie, so they just bailed. Bill has done it twice. Once for the same reason as Kerry and once because he was drunk and his alcoholic brother-in-law told him it would be a good idea.
A Good Idea?
Besides his food theivery, Bill also accidentally committed a felony. At the time of the commission, twenty years ago, he didn't know it was illegal, but now he does. He was exploring some Native American cliff dwellings and found four or five pottery chards that he collected for souvenirs. He's always meant to take them back, but still hasn't. Of course, should you be a member of law enforcement and reading this blog, Bill made the whole thing up as a radio stunt.
Boners (brought to you by roast chicken)
1. "Ms. Nelson? Would You Pull Your Pants Up Please": A Florida middle-school teacher has been placed on administrative leave after her students had to tell her to pull her pants up. Kylene Nelson apparently showed up to class highly intoxicated. She grabbed several students and demanded that they dance with her before exposing her buttocks to the class. Several students photographed and videotapped the incident on their cell-phones. Eventually Ms. Nelson fled to a nearby pool and passed out.
2. "No Backsies": Paying his Qwest phone bill online for the first time, Arthur Simmons dutifully entered $121.14, but accidently neglected the decimal place. This caused Qwest to withdrawl more than $12,000 dollars from Mr. Simmons' account. When Mr. Simmons' called to remedy the situation, the Qwest representative told him it would take at least six-weeks to get him a refund. Thankfully, Channel 4 news called and Mr. Simmons will now be receiving his refund in a more timely manner.
3. "Nobody's Gonna Get My Pot": A New Jersey Dentist was found to have more than 40 marijuana plants along with several firearms in his home. They were discovered by police when the dentist's burglar alarm went off and automatically notified police of a potential break-in.
Customer service specialists, Qwest Communications, is Boner of the Day.
Movie Review
Yesterday, Kerry went and saw I Love You Man. Paul Rudd is great. Usually he plays the quick, smart, and witty friend. Not so in this movie. Instead, he plays the friend that tries and fails at being quick, smart, and witty. Like The Shatner, Lou Ferrigno has finally learned to make fun of himself. Years ago, when Gina was pregnant with Festus, Radio From Hell had interviewd Mr. Ferrigno and found him to be a humorless ass.
Your List of Things That Must Go
Milk expiration and confusion about which date line to use but your children are bad and having a conniption and the dairy person will be sure to do something about it. And what is the deal with the long voice mail instructions? And how about airline food? Doesn't that just suck? Make sure the automatic toilet flushes your business. If it doesn't, use your foot to push the button - or stand on one foot, take off your shoe, and then press it with your shoe. Women getting preggo and having children. Complaining about snow in Utah. "You just don't understand." "Will you do me a flavor?" "Skissors!" "Where are the bathrooms at?" Guys. Skinny being more important than donuts. The little red peppers in frozen entrees. Able bodied mothers who park in the handicapped spot when picking up their children from school. "My taxes pay your salary." "Don't you have something better to do than pull me over?" "I know my rights!" "Why don't you go get a doughnut?" "You're the reason people hate cops." "I saw [blank] on CSI. Can't you try that?"
Is That You!?
Last night, Sue came in to "Kerry's" bedroom to tell him to roll over, in order to stop his snoring. As she did so, Kerry said, "I love you. Go and see how Dennis looks." NO one is sure who Dennis is or might be.
Gina's Sign-off
"Get in ma' belly!"
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