Episode #5083
Days until contract expiration: 471

Opening Song
"Santa Claus is a Black Man" - AKIM & The Teddy Vann Production Company

Sign-offs

• "If you have a headache, do what it says on the Aspirin bottle.  Take two and keep away from children."
• "Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a minute.  Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

Sad Message
Bill really doesn't ever want to hear that song again.  It's not that it's a bad song; Bill gave praises to the song last year.  The problem is that the Teddy Vann didn't want John Waters to use the song on his Xmas album because Mr. Vann felt that Mr. Waters was a weirdo and a pervert. 

Our Son Kyle
Kyle is getting ready for Neil Diamond Eve, the day before Neil Diamond Day. [...]  Kyle added pepsi to his enema to kill the aftertaste. [...]  Kyle is trying to learn to tie a necktie.  [...]  X96 will have to build some scaffolding before Kyle's party. [...]  [choke] [choke]  See ya!

Boners (brought to you by food from Greeks)
1. "We'll Be Nuked by Xmas":  The self-proclaimed "Parowan Prophet", Leland Freeborn, has predicted that, since the nation elected Barack Obama, we are sure to have a nuclear war by Xmas.  See you Xmas morning.

2. "I Want My Pee Back ":  After testing positive for drug-use, a Florida man shot out the window of a probation office in order to steal a locked fridge full of urine samples.

3. "Say "Zeig Heil" Honey.  Don't Be Shy."  A Pennsylvania family is complaining about mistreatment after a grocery store refused to make a personalized cake for their son "Adolf Hitler Campbell" who was turning three years old.  Mr. Heath Campbell and his wife are holocaust deniers who have named their three children after prominent architects of the Nazi party; JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell.

The Nazi asshats are Boners of the Day.


Falling Close to the Tree
Gina is also attending the Neil Diamond concert this month.  She and her sister, Mikelle, decided to buy tickets for The Sainted Mary Claire for Xmas.  Later, The Sainted Mary Claire asked if Gina had gotten her Xmas present yet.  Gina explained that the concert was her present, but Mary Claire quickly dismissed that notion.  The concert isn't her present; that is just something they are doing.

Letter Writing 101
Gina doesn't care for the fact that the next Mormon vampire movie is looking to replace the Native American shape-shifter with a non-Native American actor that looks tougher.  The real Native American shape-shifter is plenty tough, and ripped, and dark, and sexy, and........hey!  He's over 18!  Gina's going to write a letter.


Gina's Sign-off
"Tossed salad?"

Opening Song
"Salt Lake City" - The Dwarves

Young Folks
Kerry might have been the only person who didn't see Ironman this weekend.  Even Bill saw it.  Bill went with his teenage friends, Mattie-bear, Natty-bear, Richie, and Booster.  Afterward, he bought them all beer.  Usually Bill finds the superhero movies boring, but Ironman was very entertaining.  Bill though it was because the final battle wasn't ridiculously long.

Gifts
Kerry brought everyone a gift from New York City.  He brought Bill a new copy of his worn-out John Lennon t-shirt.  For Richie, Kerry was moved by the memory of the missing keys and brought Richie a New York Skyline keychain.  Gina's gift actually came from The Forbidden Planet comic-book store.  Just as he was checking out with his free comic books, he noticed a Dirty Dancing sound machine.  It spurts memorable lines from the movie like, "I carried a watermelon," or "You're invading my dance space."  Bill hoped that someday they would release a sound machine for Somewhere in Time.  It would have one button shaped like the peach-fuzz strewn face of Jane Seymour and scream, "RIIIIICHAAAARDDDDD!"

Do I Have To?
Gina and Richie went to the secret press conference for High School Musical 3.  Zac Effron is cute.  The secret location was East High School.  Zac Effron has good hair.  The cast pulled up in a white van.  Zac Effron smells like cookies.  The cast tried to lead the reports in a school cheer.  Zac Effron is really good looking.  Zac Effron.  Zac Effron.  Zac Effron.  Richie lost his keys.  There won't be any salmon.

Boners
1. "My Ears Are Still Ringing": After showing up late for a shift at an Ohio BBQ, Rochelle Crockett was locked in a storage cabinet whilst three other employees beat on the cabinet with hammers for more than 20 minutes.

2. "I Want Pink Triangles For The Gay Ones":  Claiming that she wanted to cut down on public displays of affection, Principal Daphne Beasley of a Memphis-area high school, created a list of all of the couples in the school, including a homosexual couple.  The principal contacted the mother of one of they gay students and told her that she did not like homosexuals. The mother was, at the time, unaware that her son was gay. The ACLU claims that the list is an invasion of privacy and put the two students at risk for discrimination.

3. "I Will Too Shoot Her":  Winning a $1 bet with her intoxicated boyfriend, a Sheboygan woman shot her eight-year-old daughter in the leg with a BB gun.  Her boyfriend bet that she wouldn't do it, and she promptly proved him wrong.

The BB shooting mother is Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
Two and a Half Men and CSI: Original Flavor are switching writers.  That should be entertaining.  Children of the Grave has the pretend ghosts of supposedly dead children.  Wait.  Do you hear that?  I think it just got colder in here.  I have a funny feeling about this.  Listen.  Do you smell something?

Really?  Again?
Radio From Hell has decided to become a more successful morning show and sponsor one of the American Idol contestants so they picked Montana's own David Cook because of his raspy voice and prison-like appearance and Bill won't watch, but if someone reminds him, he'll vote for Montana's own David Cook and Gina will let Bill know who wins because she watches the show for Kerry and Bill so that they don't have to watch Montana's own David Cook and listen to the horrible way he butchers Neil Diamond or The Eagles or whatever he ends up singing week after week after week after week.

Neglected News
Hannah Montana has creepy pics with her dad.  Tom doesn't know.  I mean, it's hard for him.  Lassie and Puff Diddle now have something in common.

Gina's Sign-off
"Would you come baptize me for the dead?"