Episode #5163
Days until contract expiration: 342

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

Sign-offs

• "I have the body of an eighteen year old.  I keep it in the freezer."

Follow Up
Bill had the colonoscopy follow-up appointment with his doctor.  He only had a few polyps and they all came back benign.  No big deal.  Most people don't have to have a colonoscopy until they are well into their 40's.  Gina had to have one much earlier than that.  She was having....problems.  Specifically, she was having a bad divorce.  The doctors had to check Gina's colon for boarding pirates.

Unforgettable Quote
"I remember a wool cap.  I don't remember who's ass it was in." - Kerry Jackson

Boners (brought to you by salad nicoise)
1. "Duct Tape It":  A hose repaired with duct tape on a tanker of radioactive material led to a potentially dangerous leak as it left an Energy Solutions site in Tooele.  A weigh station attendant noticed a wet stain on the tanker and alerted the authorities.  The tanker had leaked nearly a half-gallon of material from the damaged hose.  A hazardous materials crew was able to remove the material without further incident.

2. "Happy Birthday":  During a birthday party for her husband, a Salt Lake City woman became enranged and stabbed the guest of honor in the upper chest with a steak knife.  The birthday-boy is recovering at an area hospital.

3. "Get Mommy Some Panties"  A New York woman was arrested after allegedly using her 12-year-old daughter to steal underwear from a Kohl's department store.  The woman stuffed the panties into her purse then handed the purse to her daughter who ran outside and locked herself in the car.  Store employees called police who persuaded the girl to unlock the car and arrested the mother.

The duct-taping hazardous waste transporters are Boners of the Day.

Inventions
Thinking that Kerry may, at some point tonight, be found drinking, and F.O.P produced a beverage said to help with hangovers.  The drink, invented by the F.O.P's brother, is called "After Party" and contains a mix of vitamins, electrolytes, and "natural" pain-killers to recharge your liver.  Bill needs no such thing.  He recharges his liver with a car battery and two electrodes.

The "After Party" did, however, provide Bill with a new product idea of his own; "After Coitus."  It's a drink to recharge your......after a night of hard sex.  Kerry suggested that he change the name to "Post Coitus", which would be abbreviated to "P.C."  Gina suggested that the drink should probably taste like a sammich - isn't that what guys want after sex?

The Painful Circle
Your hen-pecked and over-nagged husband won't want to have sex with you.  Maybe you need to practice with an aide.  If your wife divorces you because ap psychic told her that you were having an affair - without any other evidence - she was looking for an excuse.  Go ahead and divorce her and send the legal bill to Kathy, The Witch of Brigham.  Wrap your rascal two times.  It will be joyless and without sensation.  You'll be married within the next 10 years.

This is the End, Nearly the End
When Richie was 17-years-old, he nearly wasn't 18-years-old.  He and his friend, Bert Hoffman, used to perform on HTV, Hillcrest High Television.  On one occassion, they decided they wanted to perform the announcements from the waving guy in Wendover.  Richie was driving, but about 18 miles outside of Wendover, Bert decided that he wanted to drive.  Instead of pulling over, Richie and Bert attempted to switch places whilst the car was going 70-miles-per-hour.  The car wrecked, throwing the seatbelt-less Richie and Bert from the car.  Neither was even seriously injured.  In fact, Richie still performed with the Sugar Daddies quartet a few days later.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose today's Boner as Boner of the Week.

A Promotion
Marcus is The Mayor of Comedy.  It says so right on his Wikipedia page.  In fact, other radio stations have been asking Marcus about the title Kerry bestowed upon him.  Bill Allred is The City Planner of Comedy.  Marcus used to be a WWE wrestler.  In fact, it was how he met 'Woof' from American Gladiator.  Marcus didn't stick with the wrestling for long.  He broke nearly every bone in his body at one point or another.  Stand-up comedy is slightly easier on the body than being dropped through a table.


 

• Bill's colon polyps.
• "Hiding money from the wife" jokes.
  • This includes comments about "the wife" being a shopaholic.
• Jokes about John McCain being old.
• Kentucky Fried Chicken once again trying to be healthy with their new KGC; Kentucky Grilled Chicken.

• Guys who drive vipers.
• Guys who wear their sunglasses on the back of their head.
• Whoever in Gina's house that keeps leaving the bathroom door open, allowing Li'l Mohamed the chance to place Gina's shoe in the terlet water.

• All the tea-baggers who fell for the tea party gimmick.  You fell for a radio/television/corporate stunt. 
• People at Starbucks who stare at the menu.
• People at Starbucks who put their money at the very bottom of their purse.
• The lazy pothead with the fake crutches at the concert.
  • Mostly because Kerry is pissed that he didn't think of it first.
• People who are upset that Kerry nuked Cleveland and is threatening to nuke Detroit.  It's a sound effect.

• "To become old and wise, one must first be young and stupid.  You're going to be a genius."

• "Gravity is a harsh mistress."

Episode #5153
Days until contract expiration: 356

The First One is Free
This morning's program began in the absence of Kerry who made an unexpected trip to California (likely to help Drew hide a body).  Early listeners were treated to the first taste of Radio From Hell: With Richie T. and Gina B. as Gina and Richie argued over who had a cell phone with the correct time.  Gina's said it was 6:10am while Richie's said 6:07am.  Only 356 more days until the "Chronometer Crisis Commencement" becomes a regular feature.

Boners (brought to you by brown food)
1. "Where's My Phone":  A man and a juvenile were charged with robbery after the juvenile's phone was left behind in one of the many cars the pair visited during an all night car theft spree.

2. "Rob a Liquor Store.  Boo Hoo!"  A New Jersey man who attempted to rob a liquor store was discovered weeping when police arrived to find him locked into the store by the store's owner.  The man had tried to snatch a bottle of cognac, but was stopped by the owner who locked the door.  The man then pulled a gun and demanded to be freed, but the gun was obviously fake and the owner refused.  The would-be thief then slumped to the floor in tears.

3. "Damned Asian Names":  Republican Texas state representative, Betty Brown, suggested during house testimony that Asian's should change their names in order to make them easier for "American's" to deal with.  After initially dismissing calls for an apology as being a plot by Democrats to make this a racial issue, Ms. Brown has apologized.

Betty Brown, with her simple American name, is Boner of the Day.


Too Cute
When Bill informed Little Mrs. Bill that she would have a babysitter for the evening, Little Mrs. Bill asked who would be doing the honors.  Bill informed his young daughter that she had not yet met the babysitter.  That seemed acceptable to Little Mrs. Bill who replied, "That's OK.  I warm up to people quickly."

Margaret Ruth
Try not to smother your boyfriend with pillows, blankets, plastic bags, or text messages.  If your boyfriend is too damaged to be with anyone, it's probably because you aren't putting out.  Even Mormon girls have to put out a little.  Living abroad has nothing to do with an adequate F.O.P's travel itch.  If you're not having sex now, marriage won't make it better, nor will it hurt.  Lose some weight and hop back in the saddle.  You'll be married or itchy within the next ten years.

Lookin' Up The Old Address
Next Tuesday, Bill will be having his third colonoscopy.  For three days prior to the event, Bill can't eat any leafy vegetables, or celery, or seeds, or nuts.  Monday night, bill has to get himself a good book and drink the gallon of "bowel prep."  Apparently he will not be leaving the bathroom for at least an hour.  Gina suggested that he should get a cooler with the bowel prep beverage, sit down on the couch, and use this opportunity to re-watch all of the Lord of the Rings movies.  Um...  That might work except that Bill will need some kind of bowl into which he can evacuate the bowel prep.  It might not be the most sanitary or enjoyable experience for the rest of the Allred family. 

Little Bill: "What's Dad doin'?"
Mrs. Bill:  "He's watching Lord of the Rings and cleaning out his bowels."
Little Mrs. Bill:  "We're not going to make pancakes in that bowl again."

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose today's Boner as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"Yes, we're done."