Episode #5278
Days until contract expiration: 167
Edition 1051 of Atropos' blog.
Day 17 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 25 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-off

• If you see a little dwarf running around, his name is 'Tatu' and we like to play horsey.

Boners (brought to you by an autumn harvest salad)
1. "You Don't Want None of Them Mulatto Babies":  A Louisiana Justice of the Peace refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple because, he claims, that he was concerned for any children the couple might have.  JoP Keith Bardwell told reporters that he was not a racist but that, in his experience, interracial marriages don't last very long and the mixed-race children were not accepted by either community.

2. "Stay There Next to The Couch":  After a 14-year-old disabled boy's mother was sent to a psychiatric hospital, the man who took care of the boy tethered him to a couch in order to keep him from running away from home.

3. "I Vote To Support Rape":  Thirty Republican senators voted against an ammendment proposed by Al Franken (D-MI) to prevent the U.S. government from issuing contracts to companies that require their employee to sign "rape clauses."  The ammendment was in response to KBR (a division of Haliburton) requiring their employees to sign a document preventing a victim from suing the company in the case that they are raped by other employees.  Such was the situation in the case of Jamie Leigh Jones, who was gang-raped by several KBR employees, then locked in a storage crate when she attempted to report the incident.  When Ms. Jones returned to the U.S., she attempted to sue the company, only to discover that her contract forced her to settle for arbitration instead.  The measure passed without the support of the 30 Republican senators.

The, apparently, pro-rape senators and KBR are Boners of the Day.

The Painful Circle
If you go snooping, be prepared to deal with what you may find.  If you snoop and discover your husband bad-mouthing you to another woman, leave him.  No matter what you do, Utah usually splits the property 50-50. 

Neglected News
Mr. Kimmel is banging his head writer.  Brett "Chunga" Smith is amazing and makes $700,000 a year.  The IRS will be pleased to know it.

Boner of the week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose today's Boner, the allegedly pro-rape senators, as Boners of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off (via Richie)
"Well, I didn't want to wake him up."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5225
Days until contract expiration: 241
Day 5 of Gina's Most Newest Morning Meander

Sign-off

• "You're not crazy.  You're going sane in a crazy world."

Lagoon Day
Gina and Bill spent Saturday at Lagoon with their families.  Bill came to a realization whilst at the park; the world needs more Aeropostal shirts.  There are not quite enough of them.  Bill also discovered the Wicked roller-coaster.  That is a great ride that is really short - thanks god.  Gina spent most of the day watching Li'l Mohamed ride on Bulgy the Whale over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Boners
1. "I Mean Haka-Dance":  The football coach of the University of Hawaii has been suspended for 30 days without pay after he referred to the Notre Dame team's celebration dance as "a little faggot dance."  The coach has also received a 7% pay-cut from his $1.1 million salary.

2. "Bleach Attack":  After being scolded by a woman for making noise, texting, and phoning during a showing of the latest Harry Potter movie, five teenagers followed the woman to a nearby restaurant and threw bleach over the woman's head.  The woman had to be treated for chemical burns and may have permanent eye damage.

3. "Momma Gotta Go to Work":  Police in Palm Bay, FL have arrested the mother of two children after she left them alone in her apartment and went to work at the Bare Assets Gentleman's Club.  The woman's neighbors called police after they saw the five-year old girl walking out on the balcony of the apartment.

The bleach attacking teenagers are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
Chris Katan isn't dead.  Remember him?  He was Mango and Azrael on SNL.  He's starring in a mini-series on IFC about an actor what can't get a job in Hollywood so he moves to India to star in a Bollywood movie.  Surviving Suburbia is canceled.  The Good Family is canceled.  The premier of Monk's final season.  Brick Knows Best finales.  Space Anatomy sucks.  Jesse James is a dead man.  There'll be no second season, but, on the plus side, Sandy is single again.  Z Rock is like The Monkees mixed with Curb Your Enthusiasm. 

Self-Loathing
Yesterday, Kerry put on his fedora, jumped into his suburu, drove to the farmer's market, purchase basil, pine nuts, and local art, then drove home, enjoyed a lovely pesto, then got a bottle of wine and went to see Saturday's Voyeur.  Kerry hates this man.

Glass Houses
An F.O.P who was naughty and channel-surfed through the commercials on X96 found Brett "Chunga" Smith talking to a caller about how Radio From Hell claimed to invent the radio call-in feature.  That's the kind of stupid listener that Chumba's show seems to attract.  Mr. Smith then went on to complain that Kerry and Bill were two old men who ought to retire.  Unfortunately, they have no real motive to do so since they double Mr. Smith's ratings.  In 241+ days, however, Mr. "Chumba" Smith can look forward to moving up to #7 in the ratings.

Sock Happens
The Allred family had originally just fostered for Blackberry the rabbit, but as no one would adopt the goopy eyed rabbit, Blackberry is now a permanent addition to the Allred household.  Blackberry is a very friendly house rabbit.  He's mostly litter-box trained, but occasionally has a little "accident."  The other day, as Bill arrived home, Mrs. Bill told Bill how that "damned" rabbit had gotten into Little Bill's bedroom and pooped all over the bed.  That was now, however, the truth of the situation.  The "poops" turned out to be coffee beans.  Little Bill had sneaked downstairs in the night, stole a handful of chocolate covered espresso beans.  As Little Bill didn't appreciate the flavor of the coffee beans, he just sucked the chocolate off the beans and discarded them right onto his bed then fell asleep, leaving the evidence.

Episode #5064
Days until contract expiration: 499

Sign-off

• "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."

The Short Bus to Oregon
Gina and Joe traveled all the way to Portland just to see a movie.  Ok, that's not entirely true.  First they went to the coast and looked for potential "campgrounds" on which to park their trailer.  After that, then they stayed up late and went to a 10:30pm showing of Quantum of Solstice.  Of course, they didn't really plan for the movie, show they showed up late and had to watch, with their necks craned, from the second row of the theater.

Attention to Detail
The new X96 billboards feature Kerry, Bill, and Gina and reference the infamous Xmas movie, A Christmas Story.  Bill's face was digitally placed into the bunny suit and Gina was inserted into the cowboy outfit.  The other iconic moment they wanted to recreate was the soap-in-the-mouth, which occurs after Ralphie utters a "fudge"-like obscenity.  Unfortunately the angles in the movie were wrong, so Kerry's face just couldn't be added.  Not to be deterred, Kerry decided to reenact the scene.  First he tried to find the exact brand of soap quoted in the movie, but was unable.  He did find an old bar of peppermint "flavored" soap that seemed to fit the bill.  Richie got him some appropriate glasses, and they found a "Mr. Rogers" style sweater that he wore backwards to get the neckline just right.

Boners (brought to you by popped corn)
1. "Man, I Am Having a Bad Day":  In an altercation outside of a Salt Lake City 7-11, a man was hit in the head with a beer bottle (nope - not Ogden, but Salt Lake City), stabbed in the stomach, then, as he stepped from the curb, he was hit by a slow moving car.  He was taken to the hospital with minor injuries. 

2. "Mom!  You Promise Not to Tell I'll Give You a Fiver":  After fighting about taking his medication, and 11-year-old boy hit his mother in the head with a saw, leaving a small laceration.  The boy then offered his mother $5 if she refused to call the police.  The mother refused the bribe and the police arrested the boy.

3. "My Boyfriend is a Hunka, Hunka Burnin' Love":  Allan Lane Scott was doused in gasoline and set alight by his girlfriend after a fight on Friday evening.  The two were traveling in a vehicle and began arguing.  Traci Nicole Gilson then found a container of gasoline in the vehicle, threw it on Mr. Scott and lit it.  Police have arrested Ms. Gilson and charged her with attempted murder.

The saw wielding, mother bribing boy is Boner of the Day.

The Silver Screen
Bill saw Brett "Jimmy Chunga" Smith on Friday.  No, not up on "The Silver Screen", but rather in the bathroom of the theater.  Bill had entered the bathroom to take a preventative pee before Role Models began, and noticed the familiar face.  As he was washing his hands, he decided to be kind and say, "How ya doin' friend?  Haven't seen you in a long time."  The man turned to Bill and said, "What's that?"  Bill figured he must have been mistaken.  Guess it wasn't Brett.  But Bill was so sure it had been.  It bothered him all through his movie.  Kerry indicated that Brett has had a lot of cosmetic surgical alterations since they last worked together.  It still could very well have still been Mr Smith.

Bill Frost
The show about a couple of trannies and a good lookin' woman, Lipstick Jungle, is canceled.  Christian Slater has been put back into the field after cancellation of My Own Worst Enemy.  Soul Train will no longer be seen.  Pushing Daisies is likely canceled.  Watch it whilst you can. Dirty Sexy Money should also be watched whilst you still can.  Alley MacBeal, the former stunt-girl on KUTV and KSTU is on KTLA, is a nut-bag dye job that can't remember the name of her favorite TV show.  CSI:Miami is still on and still........intense.  America's Next Top Gina Doesn't Care is still on.  The season finale of South Park.  The rock-opera version of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia will still not be watched by Kerry.  Sarah Silverman finds her dad and makes out with him.  24 has some kind of two hour movie.  Maybe Kim Bauer will be chased by a jumping shark whilst Jack talks to the woman president on Chloe's pinched face.  Stephen Colbert will have his own special celebrating the awesomeness of Xmas and of Stephen Colbert.

Mo' Money
Gina came into the studio this morning an announced to Bill, "I need more money."  Gina feels that she deserves the boost in pay because F.O.P Mary recognized her as she walked by a singles bar and came running out to tell Gina how much she loved the show and the podcast from all the way up in Portland.  That's nothing.  When Kerry and Bill worked for a tiny radio station with a budget for events and activities, they were in Paris when they were recognized by two F.O.Ps wondering what they were doing in Paris.

You Have My Attention
This weekend, Bill attended a fundraiser for a local Catholic school.  Bill and Mrs. Bill were waiting in line for food when the rather tall woman in front of Bill turned around and said, "Ahhhhh...  You're just right."  Apparently the woman is dating a man who is the same height as Bill, who is 5'6" tall, and quite a bit shorter than Mrs. Bill.  The three of them began discussing some of the logistical problems with dating a shorter men when the subject came to dancing.  The woman suddenly grabbed Bill, pulled his head into her bosoms and began to dance.  A moment later she became a little flustered and attempted to apologize.  There was no need.  It was great!

Oh, and Kerry, Catholics always have a raffle for a wheelbarrow full of booze.  Yes, you even get to keep the wheelbarrow.

Neglected News
Lindsay has a furry hag.  It's not working out with that DJ, so she's going back to men.  Brimney is making out with Madrona's dogger.  One F.O.P doesn't appreciate the negative news about Jamima Amadon.  After all, angelina is just an attention whore that nobody heard of before she broke up Brill and Jamima's marriage.  She's a man-stealer homewrecker with pseudo-confidence who tries to make herself look like Mother Theresa while reopening the old would and REWOUNDING JAMIMA TO THIS DAY!!!  Jumpym Tamberman was somewhere with someone doing something Tambermany.

Gina's Sign-off
"Where am I gonna go to lunch?"

Opening Song
"The KKK Took My Baby Away" - The Ramones

The Albatross
Gina had to broadcast from The Historical House of Horror in Sugarhouse today.  The three mewling millstones denied her journey to the studio.  Gina has a nanny, but Joe has left town, so there was no one to take Festus to school.  Gina thought briefly about asking The Pirate for help - but he's probably at sea, and would try to get Gina to walk his plank.

Children really are a burden.  Frequently Bill and Mrs. Bill find themselves looking at each other and apologizing for their half of the genes in the two little monsters they created.

Joe called Gina from his hotel and expressed his excitement at the possibility that the three children will all eventually leave the house.  Kerry and Bill thought that Joe might be jumping the gun a bit.

The Mentally Crippled
Brett Smith, better known to some as "Jimmy Chunga" of the former "Chunga and Mister" show on The Station Near The Center of the Radio Dial, invoked the name of Bill Allred on his radio show yesterday.  Mr. Smith compared the appearance of Bill to the mentally handicapped Wanda Barzee.  Bill chided Brett for his unkindness toward the mentally infirm.  Ms. Barzee could have the misfortune of looking very similar to Oliver Platt - or maybe a less attractive, but skinny, Joey Fat-One.

Boners (brought to you by Thai food with The Duncans)
1. "I Was On My Way Home To Make Coconut Cream Pies":  Dawn Wells, best known for her role as Mary-Ann on Gilligan's Island, was arrested and charged with possession of marijuana.  Police found several "roaches" in Ms. Wells car and asked her to explain.  Ms. Wells claimed that she had picked up some hitchikers, who began smoking an unknown substance in her car.  When she noticed what she was doing, she kicked them out of her car.

2. "Deer Pee Is Funny":  The Fire Department was called to Volunteer High School after several students complained of feeling ill from a strange odor that permeated the building.  After a search, fire officials were able to determine that the odor was caused by deer urine which had been poured into two air conditioning units.

3. "The Better You Treat me, The More I Lose":  A woman treated as a high-roller in Atlantic City and Las Vegas is now suing the casinos she frequented.  Arelia Taveras was given limousines to and from the casinos, and was allowed to keep her dog with her at the blackjack tables.  After losing her law practice and $1,000,000, Ms. Taveras is now suing the casinos for $20,000,000.  Ms. Taveras claims that she has a gambling addiction and that the casinos had a responsibility to cut her off.

The casino-suing gambler is Boner of the Day.
 

Deer Trouble
Yesterday afternoon, Sue called Kerry with a problem. There was a deer in the backyard trying to repeatedly jump through the fence. Sue had pulled Artie into the house and was pounding on the window and door in an attempt to scare the deer into a different direction. The deer, however, just kept trying to go through the fence. Kerry told Sue to just go out and try and herd the deer in a different direction. Oh, no. She wasn't having any of that. Did she want Kerry to come home early? No, that was stupid too. So, she didn't want him to come home, but she was getting upset because he couldn't give her any better ideas. So Kerry went ahead and went home. By the time he had gotten there, Sue had opened the gate, and the deer had departed. The fence, however, was beat up.

Kerry was wondering about any methods to keep the deer away from the fence. Repellents of some kind or another? One F.O.P noted that cougars are really the primary predator of the deer in this area. Perhaps Kerry should just invite Gina to come over and deposit some of her cougar urine near the fence...

Things That Must Go
Jokes at the bank. Trying to sell feces of any kind on eBay. The Utah pronunciation of “milk” and “pillow.” Flip-flops with sweaty foot imprints. People who think that Anna from Ecuador “sounds hot.” People who bitch about “Thanks for letting me listen.” Glitter cards. People in the cubicle farm who talk loudly on the phone about their personal life. Fat guys who wait in line for a double-cheese hamburger, fries and a soda, then take the elevator back up one floor. Diet tips. “B.T.W.” “T.T.F.N.” Walgreens selling personal massagers, within reach and sight of minors, without a Sexually Oriented Business license (Author's note: This was written in light of The Blue Boutique debacle.). University of Utah students who bitch about the price of gas and don't use the free bus pass they are entitled to. Beverage dispensers that are too short of the large size cup. “Hosts” of movies on TV. People who give the age of their child in months after their first birthday.

Neglected News
Heather Locklear is dead and drunk. Hippos fling poo. A tiger can pee on you from 20' away. Janet won't be on SNL because she's terrified. Lindsay Lohan is helping Gina move out of The Historical House of Character.

Episode #4886

Douche-Air
Bill cracked-up at something Richie said last night. Bill was shocked by how funny Richie was. Richie was driving to Park City when he called Bill, who was having a few cocktails with friends. Richie announced that he had an inspiration; Bill was going to come back to The Church with him....... Bill nearly fell over laughing.

Richie was headed to Park City to see Cabaret with Big Intern and another friend. There supposed to go on a moonlight snowshoe afterward, but his friends wussed out on him.

The Gathering?
Kerry has an idea for a station promotion. Big Brother X96. The entire station (Kerry, Bill, Gina, Richie, Todd, Artie, Corey, Portia, etc.) would all stay in a condo together for an entire week. They'd all do their regularly appointed shows, at the appointed times, but from the condo. One F.O.P predicted that by the third morning, Bill will have killed someone in their sleep. Atropos thought the idea of Corey's spitted carcass roasting over an open fire sounded mouth-watering.

Radio Business
The aging-whore of radio is a harsh mistress. It's a back-stabbing business with no loyalty or heart. Lynn Arave of the Deseret News wrote a "Where Are They How" feature for his radio column.

For those of you who never change the station from X96 and still believe that there is a "Chunga and Mister Show", you'd would be mistaken. In December, Brian West (Mr. West) was fired from the-station-near-the-middle. He was not given a reason, offered no severance pay, but simply escorted from the building after 15 years of service. Brett Smith (Chunga) negotiated a new contract, and apparently asked that Mr. West be let go as part of that new contract. Brian also has a six-month "non-compete" agreement, that the-station-near-the-middle is holding him to, even though they obviously don't believe he brings anything of value to the radio.

Boners (brought to you by spaghetti)
1. "Gimme Back My Drug Money": A man arrested in June on drug charges stormed into a local sheriff's office and demanded that they return the $2,000 they had seized from him. The officers rebuffed his demands, and asked him to leave. As he was leaving, another officer noticed that they car he was driving matched the description of a car reported stolen several hours earlier. He was quickly pulled over and arrested for possession of a stolen vehicle.

2. "Not On My Land!": The Department of Homeland security is making good on congress's 2006 order to build a 700 mile border fence. A majority of the proposed fence is planned for the border between Texas and Mexico. The DHS gave residents 30 days warning that their land would be used for the fence. Many land-owners stand to lose their land and their homes. Billionaire Ray L. Hunt, however, has no such worries. His land, which resides right on the border, will not be touched, leave a gaping hole in the border fence. Mr. Hunt is a Bush supported and "Pioneer." He recently donated $35,000,000 dollars to Southern Methodist University for the construction of President Bush's presidential library. Liberty and justice for all - if you can afford it.

3. "I Just Wanted A Bag of Weed": A White Plains man walked right past a "No Tresspassing" sign into the lobby of a public housing building. When he returned a few minutes later, police stopped and questioned the man. He replied, "Come on man, I just went to buy a bag of weed." The man was arrested.

The Department of Homeland Security and Mr. Ray L. Hunt are Boners of the Day.


All Hail The Hypno-Toad
Kerry received a fair about of crap for his take on the hypnotist yesterday. He received many, many e-mails including some from Vincent Lords himself. Kerry has posted many of the e-mails on his blog at X96.com.

Bill doesn't understand why Kerry has such a hard-on about this issue. It seems so innocuous to Bill. Bill doesn't believe he was hypnotized at all, but he doesn't feel any need to debunk it any further. Kerry has a strong opinion about it, and felt that it made better radio to express his skepticism than to play along with the hypnotist. But if that's not what the listeners want - next week on "Ask a", it's immigration! Kerry hates the Mexicans! Send them all back where they came from! Wait! Kerry loves the Mexicans! Give them all our jobs! It's whatever you want!

Gina's Scaly Patch
Gina has a patch. It's a scaly patch. On her arm. Under her arm. The pit of her arm. It's maroon. Scaly. Itchy. Painful. The size of a 50 cent piece and it's growing. It's growing. My God; it's growing.

Neglected News
Angelina has had a female lover; who took pictures. As Angelina left her lime-o, her booty and legs set a fire deep in Misty's loins. Fortunately, Angelina knew how to quench the blazing inferno....

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Best Utahn" Matson chose "Shock the Cow" as Boner of the Day.