Episode #5293
Days until contract expiration: 146
Edition 1066 of Atropos' blog.
Day 38 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 4 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-off

• "What if the hokey pokey is what it's all about?"

It's a Funny Hat
Norm McDonald doesn't get up early.  Norm was made from old sperm.  Norm's father had the word "massive" written on his death certificate.  Norm knows a lot about country music.  Norm really doesn't have Billy Joe Shaver's phone number.  Norm isn't sure if David Allen Coe is still in prison or not.

Unforgettable Quote
"You shot your wad with 'old sperm.'" - Bill Allred

Boners
1. "Don't You Know Who I Am?":  Representative Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) used a swear (the 's' word) when he was confronting TSA agents.  When he learned of this, Jesus cried.  Mr. Chaffetz also threatened an agent with, "Do you know who I am?"

2. "Baby in a Box":  A woman gave her baby to the babysitter and told her to hide it, so she did.  She hid the infant in a box under a bed.  The baby was found 5 days later and managed to survive.

3. "Miss California Walks Away":  The bigoted former Miss California and champion of morality, Carrie Prejean, is dropping her lawsuit against the Miss California USA after TMZ reported that they had received a sex tape featuring Ms. Prejean.  TMZ claimed that the video was too raunchy to be posted on their website.

The baby hiding mother and babysitter are Boners of the Day.


The Painful Circle
If your husband is posting his underpants photos on the internet and looking for love, it's time to leave.  Don't let your oldest sister take advantage of you.  Tell her that she needs to come home and take care of her kids.  If your boyfriend keeps running back to his ex-girlfriend whenever she calls him, you are second choice.  Hit the road.  Don't meet guys at the bar; meet them at the X96 bowling mixer instead.

Days Gone By
Kerry once again forgot his deodorant, so he asked to borrow Richie's.  Richie uses "Right Guard EXTREME!"  Oddly enough, Kerry found that the EXTREME version of Right Guard still smells exactly like that gold can of right guard you got in Jr. High School.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose Thursday's Boner, "When You're a Cop in Tooele, It's Party Time!," as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"Blowin' the dust off my eggs."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5191
Days until contract expiration: 301

Sign-offs

• An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!
• I didn't say it was your fault.  I said I was going to blame it on you.

Hello?  Yeah?  What?
Drag Me To Hell is scary fun.  If your wife doesn't like Radio From Hell and is offended by *Boners* in the News, it's time to get a divorce.  A muffelata is a damned fine sammich.  Kerry's favorite MST3K is Manos, Hands of Fate.  Bill will have an LGBTQ.  Hold the mayo. 

Boners (brought to you by mashed potatoes and kielbasa)
1. "Don't You Know Who The Todd Is?"  Robert Maschio, who plays 'The Todd' on Scrubs, has been sued after allegedly engaging in a drunken attack during a Make-a-Wish fundraising event.  Mr. Maschio is accused of using another guest's necktie to choke the man and lift him partially off the ground. 

2. "Nobody's Ever Given Craig T. Nelson a Hand Up":  In an interview with Fox News' Glenn Beck, actor Craig T. Nelson was quoted as saying, "OK, I go into business, I don't make it, I go bankrupt. They're not going to bail me out.  I've been on food stamps and welfare. Anybody help me out? No. No."  Apparently neither Mr. Nelson nor Mr. Beck realize that food stamps and welfare are forms of government assistance.

3. "Kill the Freaks":  Radio scum, Rob, Arnie, and Dawn of KXRQ in Sacramento went on a vicious tirade against transgendered children, encouraging parents to "fix" the children with various forms of verbal abuse and shock therapy.  'Arnie' threatened his own son saying, "God forbid if my son put on a pair of high heels, I would probably hit him with one of my shoes."

The radio scum are Boners of the Day.

Ask a Video Game Designer
Aaron Connors is a game designer for Big Finish Game and their newest game, Three Cards to Midnight.  Three Cards to Midnight is a game for casual video gamers.  Three Cards to Midnight features big-busted women in tight sweaters.  Three Cards to Midnight was designed by people with talent AND experience, as opposed to some other games.  Three Cards to Midnight and other Big Finish Games are scored by a local composer.  Testing games, like Three Cards to Midnight, is a painful and tedious process.  Aaron Connors, designer of Three Cards to Midnight, is not related to Chuck Connors.

Jeff Vice
My Life in Ruins looks like a joke, and really is.  Nia Vardalos, of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, returns to Greece as a history and Greek specialist employed as a tour guide.  It's terrible.  1 star.

Lemon Tree is a film about ongoing Israeli and Palestinian tensions and a lemon-tree grove.  It's dull, dull, dull, my god, it's dull.  1.5 stars.

Land of the Lost should have been named to The Land of the Lost Opportunities or Land of the Lame.  Nothing but dinosaur poo or pee jokes.  Chaka likes boobie grabbin'.  Only Anna Friel of Pushing Daisies is tolerable.  2 stars.

The Hangover is the story of three men who lose the bachelor during a bachelor party.  In the wake of the party the three find a tiger in the bathroom, and a baby in the closet.  They then try to piece together the night before and find the bachelor before it's too late.  Very funny.  Ed Helms and Zach Galifinakais are brilliant.  3.5 stars

Celebrity Interview
Film-maker and author Guillermo del Toro doesn't understand David Carradine, nor Michael Hutchence and their particular means of thrill.  Mr. del Toro is more of a meat and potatoes guy.

Gina's Sign-off
"My uterus is too tired for log-rolling."

Episode #5160
Days until contract expiration: 345

Opening Song
"On My Way" - Billy Boy on Poison

Sign-off

• "First Rule of the Kitchen: Hot glass looks just like cold glass."
• "The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its limits."

Keifer!  Keifer!  Keifer!
Keifer Sutherland (son of The Donald) was a very pleasant guest.  He was polite, gracious, intelligent, well-spoken, and happy to discuss nearly anything.  Music, rodeo, movies, TV, politics, Donald Sutherland (father of The Keifer), J&B scotch, and everything else seemed to be fair game.  He was completely unlike 90% of the celebrities that Radio From Hell are allowed to interview.  The band that he was promoting was even good enough to be immediately added to The X96 Big Ass Show following yesterday's interview.

Our Son Kyle
Attention to all of the people who used to beat up on Kyle and Punk in high school, Kyle will *not* accept you as a FaceBook friend. 

Kyle has been watching the TV show Weeds.  In one episode, two characters are talking about a piece of the anatomy, between the legs, that separates the front side from the backside.  They refer to it as a "coffee-table", or, in Gina's case, it's an ottoman.  After that show, Kyle has been very self-conscious about his "coffee-table."  It's hairy and unsightly.  As such, Kyle decided to wax his table.  It took two tries, but it wasn't nearly as painful as he hoped.  Of course, in a couple of days, Kyle's bike shorts won't be very comfortable.  After this, Bill recommended that Kyle trade in his "coffee-table" for an "occasional table" or perhaps even a hutch.  See ya!

Boners (brought to you by fries)
1. "I'll Teach You To Drive Under All Conditions":  A driving instructor in Massachusetts was stripped of his job and his license after giving a lesson whilst highly intoxicated.  He was discovered after a convenience store clerk smelled alcohol on the instructor and phoned police.

2. "Scared The Poo Out of 'im":  A teen burglar was so surprised by a Centerville police officer that he soiled himself before fleeing on foot.  Officer Chad Taylor was sitting in his personal, in the drive-way, as he spoke to another deputy on the telephone.  Through the rear-view window he saw the teen attempting to enter his wife's vehicle.  When that failed, he approached the car in which Officer Taylor sat.  As he got to the door, Taylor kicked the door open and ordered the teen to stop.  He heard....something.....then the teen turned to flee.  The would-be burglar was later found at a nearby home where a party was being held and arrested.

3. "I Put it on the Fridge as a Reminder":  A woman was charged with animal cruelty after she wrapped her boyfriend's dog in packing tape and stuck the animal upside down on the fridge.  Abby Toll was upset that her boyfriend refused to get rid of "Rex", a Shiba Inu puppy.  Rex has been removed from the house put up for adoption.

The pant-spoiling teen is Boner of the Day.


Genetically Modified Homos
Bill's FaceBook friend, Nineveh Dinha, was thinking about writing a story on genetically modified foods.  As an example, Ms. Dinha mentioned the "grapple."  Unfortunately for Ms. Dinha, the grapple is not a genetically modified food.  It's an apple with a ton of added flavorings that add a grape-like flavor.  Kerry is all in favor of genetically modified foods.  If they can get corn that grows in Africa, so people aren't starving to death, why not?  Oh, and there's a storm coming.  The wind is strong, and I am afraid of the queers.  They'll be getting married, punishing churchs, punishing doctors, and little girls will have no choice but to marry another little girl.  Look, NOM, if you have valid arguments against same-sex marriage, go ahead and make them, but don't just outright lie.  Nobody wants to force churches to marry gay folk.

A Message from Crom
"Crom only cares for how you fight, not for who or what you mate."

Neglected News
Lindsay wants to be a striper.  She's got three threats when she is sober.  The Hills is the worst show and people who watch and Tivo it are idiots.  Criss Angel is in trouble after creating a terrible, terrible show that has received nothing but terrible reviews.  He also decided to curse out Perez Hilton in front of his G-rated, family friendly audience. 

Gina's Sign-off
"We're hopin' for a gusher!"

Episode #5159
Days until contract expiration: 346

Sign-off
"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."

Lullabye
Bill had to stay up last night and listen to a lecture by Mrs. Bill.  The subject of the lecture was Bill's inability to get enough speech and the subsequent consequence that Bill turns into a mean, irritable, and miserable bastard.  Bill is sorry, but he has too much to do and has to watch TV for his job.  One might think that after 27-years of morning radio, Bill would figure out exactly how to manuver his life around this job.  Gina used to be pretty good at it.  When it was just her and Festus, she'd put Festus to bed at seven o'clock and then go to bed herself.  Easy!  Unfortunately, now, she has that husband and two additional offspring.  There's no sleep to be had.

Douchebag
Soon to be former F.O.P, Tyler, from Seattle wrote an e-mail to Radio From Hell congratulting them for their fine production.  Tyler used to live in Utah, but didn't really think Radio From Hell was anything special; surely there must be other radio shows in other markets that are even better.  Upon moving to Seattle, Tyler's hypothesis was quickly proven to be incorrect.  There were no good morning shows at all.  Now he still listens to Radio From Hell.

That would have been a perfectly nice letter, but then Tyler had to add a P.S., taking Bill to task for his misplaced outrage at Richie T. on Thursday.  Richie had the audacity to dispute that every hour of the Radio From Hell is a golden gem.  Bill got a bit angry and ordered Richie out of the room.  Later in the show, however, Bill properly apologized to Richie for his outburst.  Tyler either missed that moment or didn't care.

Boners (brought to you by artichokes and tuna pasta)
1. "Her Perfume Smelled Like a Urinal Cake":  On a Contintental Airlines flight to Honolulu, a man got up during the in-flight movie and began urinating on a 66-year-old woman.  The man had been drinking and was arrested upon landing.

2. "Hey Guys!  Watch This!":  A drunken man who had pulled over on a bridge in order to relieve himself attempted to entertain his drinkin' buddies by pretending to fall of the bridge.  Unfortunately for the victim, his antics caused him to actually fall off the bridge into the marshes below. 

3. "A Little Help Here":  A nudist in a Croatia resort was swimming naked, then returned to his deck chair.  The man's shrunken testicles apparently slipped through the slats, then began to warm and expand, trapping the man against the chair.  The man alerted resort staff who helped to saw the chair apart in order to free him.

Testicle trappings are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
Keifer!  Keifer!  Keifer!  Keifer!  Keifer!  Keifer!  Keifer!  Keifer!  Keifer!  Keifer!  Jeanene!  Jeanene!  Jeanene!  Jeanene!  Ray Jay!  Ray Jay!  Ray Jay!  Cartman!  Cartman!  Cartman!  Cartman!  Sayid!  Sayid!  Sayid!  Sayid!  Sayid!  Sayid!  Patrick!  Patrick!  Patrick!  Dalton!  Dalton!  Dalton!  Dalton!  Dalton!  Dalton!  Barbara!  Barbara!  Barbara!  Barbara!  Barbara!  Barbara!  Barbara!  Barbara!  Barbara!  Barbara!  Elton!  Elton!  Elton!  Elton!  Elton!  Elton!  Elton!  Elton!  Bender!  Bender!  Bender!  Bender!  Bender!  Bender!  Bender!  Daisy!  Daisy!  Daisy!  Daisy!  Daisy!  Daisy!  Daisy!  Daisy!  Douche-nozzle!  Douche-nozzle!  Douche-nozzle!  Douche-nozzle!  Douche-nozzle!  Bomber Babes!  Bomber Babes!  Bomber Babes!  Bomber Babes!  Moon Raker!  Moon Raker!  Moon Raker!  Moon Raker!  Roller Dolls!  Roller Dolls!  Roller Dolls!

Celebrity Guest
Mr. Sutherland's label's band, Billy Boy on Poison.

Episode #5137
Days until contract expiration: 378

Sign-off

• "Marriage is a three ring surface.  Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering."

A False Start
Yesterday, Bill posted, "Whatever Gina Barberi eats, comes out cookie dough," on his Twitter page.  Gina was so "grateful."  Bill began to wonder if you could feed Gina different things to produce other kinds of cookies.  Want some macaroons?  Feed Gina some shredded wheat and coconut.  Gina was worried that she'd never have any privacy.  No, no.  Gina can do *that* in private, but she'd never have to throw anything away.  Kerry invented a specialized device to make new shapes.  It's based on the old Play-Doh Playset.

Boners (brought to you by food from Vietnam)
1. "I'm Gonna Cut That Thing Off'n Ya":  Police are investigating an incident in a Georgia High School in which a principal is accused of holding a knife to the arm of a student.  The student has three tattoos on his arm and claims that the principal stopped him the hall and asked, "YOu want me to cut that off your arm?"

2. "My Bar is Not Full of Cocaine, and I Can Prove It":  After a police raid found large traces of drugs in a nightclub, the owner wrote a letter to police denying that the bar was a haven for narcotics.  Unfortunately, the letter was covered in traces of cocaine.  The police issued a statement indicating that the letter was extremely helpful in their investigation.

3. "Hey Kids.  Lookee Here":  A Uintah school-bus driver has been accused of using a cell phone to display pornographic images to some male students.  The driver has been charged with providing materials harmful to a minor but claims that she was simply allowing the students to use her phone and they must have stumbled across the images.

The cocaine-letter-writer is Boner of the Day.

Ask a Person with M.S.
Amy Schaffer was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in January of 2007.  The symptoms began as unusual stumbling and a numbness on one side.  When they took her MRI, they initially thought she had a massive, malignant brain tumor.  M.S. is extremely hard to diagnoses.  It's much a case of eliminate the possibilities.  Ms. Schaffer is currently pregnant, which apparently really eases the symptoms and pain.  Researchers are spending a lot of effort investigating the myriad of hormones produced by a woman's pregnant body.

Jeff Vice
The Great Buck Howard isn't that great.  2 stars.

Duplicity.  Gina's movie.  Staring Gina's best friend, Julia Roberts and her throbbing forehead vein.  It's not bad.  In fact, it's pretty good.  Besides Ms. Roberts and her acting vein, the movie features Clive Owen, Paul Giamati, and Tom Wilkinson.  It's made by the same filmmakers who created Michael Clayton.  The movies falls apart during the third-act with too many plot holes and "twists."  Still, entertaining.  3 stars.

I Love You Man features Paul Rudd and his boyish charms.  It's a perfectly acceptable bro-mance movie.  3 stars.

Neglected News
Britney is using back-masking and subliminal messages to embed secret messages to her fan; Our Son Kyle.  Bru Swillis is marrying a model.  Apparently his daughters, Rumor, Beagle, and Tipsy, are not thrilled.  Cap'n Tight-pants is in a new show called Castles.  It's like Moonlighting and Murder She Wrote if you had heard of Moonlighting and never saw Murder She Wrote.  Mr. Pants doesn't mind being called Cap'n Tight-Pants.  You can her his singing skills in Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, written by Joss Whedon.  Bill once rode on the back of a False Killer Whale.

Gina's Sign-off
"What if the whale dives down?"

Episode #5117
Days until contract expiration: 407

Sign-off

• "Did you know that 'kayak' is 'kayak' spelled backwards?"

Lassie?
As the show began, Richie was no where to be found.  He wouldn't even answer his phone.  As Bill was considering a posse and search party, Richie text in to the interns.  He had slept in, for the first time in over a year.  He was up late last night writing a mediocre paper for school.

Kit Kat Knee
Gina has just given up.  She's wearing some kind of maternity tracksuit.  Why?  Well, first of all, she has "ugg" foot, which apparently spread to the rest of her body.  Second, she's going for a pedicure and needed pants she could pull up.  Bill thought it might be some kind of vitamin deficiency, or a bad case of "Kit Kat Knee."

Boners (brought to you by a delicious and well-mannered li'l steak)
1. "Wedgie!":  Witnessing a burglar breaking into the car of one of her employees, Yvonne Morris chased after the criminal, grabbed him by the waist-band of his boxers, got him in a headlock, and held him until police arrived.

2. "Cuddles are Better than Medicine":  A family doctor in the U.K. is facing removal by the General Medical Council.  The doctor is accused of pulling female patients onto his knee, wrapped his arms around them in a bear hug, and told them, "Something happens to a man when a woman sits on his knee."  Another patient was allegedly told by the doctor, "cuddles are better than medicine."

3. "Mean Buggers":  Senator Chris "Anti-Buggery" Buttars has apparently claimed that homosexuals are even more dangerous than radical Islamic terrorists.  In a new documentary, 8: The Mormon Proposition, Chris Buttars is quoted as saying of homosexuals:

• "It's just like the Muslims. Muslims are good people and their religion is anti-war. But it’s been taken over by the radical side."
• "Homosexuality will always be a sexual perversion. And you say that around here now and everybody goes nuts. But I don't care."
• "What is the morals of a gay person? You can't answer that because anything goes."
• "They're probably the greatest threat to America going down I know of."
• "They're mean. They want to talk about being nice. They're the meanest buggers I have ever seen."

Download the MP3 here:
http://www.abc4.com/media/news/5/e/4/5e45c748-e744-4b97-a6a7-50c19c384550/butters_on_gays.mp3

The story here:
http://tinyurl.com/abcxhq

Senator Chris Buttars is Boner of the Day

Celebirty Spotlight!!
Kristen Schaal, probably best known as "Mel" from Flight of the Conchords actually called into the show.  She doesn't have a preference on Bret or Jemaine, but both are better looking in person and have a great head of hair.  She was also featured in the pilot of Mad Men.  That John Hamm is much better looking in person.  Ms. Schaal has appeared multiple times on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  Mr. Stewart is much better looking in person.  By her own account, Ms. Schaal is also sweet and funny.

Things That Must Go
Gina

• Getting sick before getting out of town.
• Jason Chaffetz, the media whore.
• Silent dishwashers.
• The uninspirational quality of thingstobemiserableabout.com

Kerry

• Blaming The September 11th attacks on anything but radical religion.
• The Church of Scientology blaming The September 11th attacks  on psychiatry.
• Stupid fights in online forums.
• Grammar Nazis.
• Climbing buildings whilst dressed as Spiderman.  Try dressing as a cheeseburger.

Bill

• People bitching about the news story on the Obama's Valentine's Day meal.
• People who put their clothes in a locker without a lock at the gym.
• People who don't dry themselves at the shower.
• If Bill is using headphones at the gym, don't talk to him.
• Blowing your nose into anything but a tissue.  That includes t-shirts, your hands, shower drains, or swimming pools.
• Whatever you are clipping, whether that be hair, nose hair, finger nails, pubic hair, ear hair, back hair, loose threads on the jock strap, butt hair, cuticles, or toe nails, FOR GOD'S SAKE, DO IT OVER A GARBAGE CAN!!!!!!

Neglected News
Gina should come to the show.  She don't need to come prepared, she just needs to show up.  Bill has been yelling since before anyone heard of Lewis Black.  Lindsay likes boys again.  Naomi Watts is publicly nude.  Diamond Dave would be an excellent replacement for auto-erotic-asphyxiation fan, Michael Hutchence.  Keifer is back on the sauce, and 'sploded.

Episode #5112
Days until contract expiration: 415

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

Mic On.  Game Off.
Bill has finally found out why he gets surly the moment the microphone comes on in the morning;  Gina and/or Richie.  When Bill gets into the studio, he can't get more than two words out before the Richie T. Experience starts putting on a show.  Gina feel that Bill should be disturbed, but not necessarily surly.  Shut up!  Bill has a hair-trigger.  In fact, in the second grade, Bill was kicked out of class for his hair-trigger.  The teacher referred to a whale as a "fish."  Bill immediately corrected the teacher and informed her that a whale is actually a mammal.  Uh huh.  Get out!

It's Gina's Fault
If you didn't care for the interview with former celebrity, Duff McKagan, it's all Gina's fault.  Who?  Duff McKagain?  He's the Guns and/or Rose that people struggle to remember.  Knowing that Gina would get all aflutter at the chance to interview a hair-metal musician, Richie sent a text message to Gina asking if she wanted to interview the guitarist.  Yes!  Of course!  On the other hand, Gina was wise enough to send another text message, later, expressing her doubt that the audience would want to hear from Mr. McKagan.  She was right, but it was too late.  Richie had scheduled 'Duff.'  McKagan isn't even the Rose what had the stroke and the heroin addiction.  Hell!  McKagan didn't even know how to sign up for his own rock and/or roll camp.

Boners (brought to you by pork tenderloin)
1. "You are an Insult to Canadians, and That's Hard To Do":  Wrestling imitator Chris Jericho allegedly punched a woman as he was leaving the Save-On-Foods Arena in British Columbia.  Apparently the crowd was heckling Mr. Jericho as he left.
http://deadspin.com/5149458/chris-jericho-vs-canadian-chick-in-the-parking-lot--its-on

2. "Maybe This Won't Cheer You Up":  A doctor treating a patient for depression may have aggravated the condition when he admitted to sleeping with the patient's wife.  The man's wife had become the doctor's receptionist after helping him with a drug trial.  The husband became suspicious when his wife accompanied the doctor on a trip to Paris.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/4437097/Family-doctor-wrecked-marriage-through-affair-with-receptionist.html

3. "Dude.  We Didn't Get High":  Two Florida men have been charged with filing a false police report claiming that they were robbed of $450 at gunpoint.  After the report, police rounded up 11 suspects, one of whom told police that the two "victims" had arranged to buy marijuana from him.  He didn't have any marijuana, so he taped up a bag of herbs and sold it to the two "victims" for $450.  Realizing that they had been taken, the two called 911 to report the "robbery."
http://www.wpbf.com/news/18596254/detail.html

The cheating doctor and his wife are Boners of the Day.

Secret Smells
Tomorrow, when Richie picks up Joe for the wine pairing, they'll probably take Joe's care instead of Richie's.  Joe has already had a nasty case of toenail fungus that was traced back to Richie's filthy vehicle.  Joe's car is great.  It's 15-years-old and still looks new inside.  Joe doesn't even fart in that car.  He should put that on the "For Sale" sign; "Fart-Free for 15 Years." 

Not So Long as is a Tedious Tale
If Gina is able to get a babysitter, she'll be able to go see Romeo and Juliet at The Pioneer Theater this Friday.  She likes Romeo and Juliet up until the star-cross'd lovers wake up in the afterglow of their wedding night.  After that it gets sad and Gina does't care for it.  Bill likes the play well enough, especially the sword fighting, but he really enjoys two specific moments.  First, when Mercutio is killed.  Second, towards the end when The Priest.  TYBALT!?  What?  Tybalt?  No, Gina.  The priest.  Yes, but it's Tybalt that is killed.  No, Gina, it's Tybalt that kills Mercutio.  Yes, but Romeo kills Tybalt.  Ok, but what does that have to do with the priest?........................................................................................

Neglected News
Cupkake Hudson is still laying on the floor with Owen Wilson.  Sasha and Malia will get to see the first screening of Miley's new movie.  Miley doesn't have a purity ring; just ring-worm.  Miley believes that everything is in "God's Ultimate Plan", even the Asians.  Bill refuses to read any more Cap'n Underpants books to Little Mrs. Bill.  They're boring, awful, poorly written, and poorly drawn.  Little Mrs. Bill is welcome to read them to herself when she is old enough, but Bill has finally put his foot down.

Gina's Sign-off
"I forgot."

Episode #4949

Sign-offs

• "I'm gonna hold my breath until I turn gay."
• "Sorry we're late, Mom, but you know how the kids feel about old people."

Boners (brought to you by a giant can of P.B.R)
1. "I'm Sure To Win.  I Have a Lucky Feather":  Among his arsenal for the upcoming election, John McCain counts a number of valuable trinkets and and superstitions as "lucky."  The Arizona senator and Republican presidential nominee refuses to accept a salt shaker passed from hand to hand, won't put a hat on the bed, and knocks on wood should anyone suggest that he'll win the election.  He carries a "lucky feather" as well as a number of coins that were found heads-up.  He also carries a laminated four-leaf clover in his wallet after being given the traditionally lucky gift by a supporter in Chicago.

2. "Party Down in The Governor's Mansion":  For Augie Ritter, the twenty-two year old son of Colorado Governor Bill Ritter, the pictures were a "teaching moment."  Augie Ritter was photographed sucking beer directly from a keg during his birthday party held at the Governor's mansion.  Other photos also depicted Mr. Ritter playing with an official state flag.  Invitations for the party encouraged guests to bring dates of legal age, and imparted his mother's two rules for the party; "No throwing up" and "No sexy time."  This year the mansion celebrates 100 years as the home of the Colorado Governor.

3. "Where Is That Drunk Girl?":  Police did not have to travel far to apprehend an underage drunk-driver involved in an accident with a tree.  The tree in question was on the property of the La Crosse, WI police station.  The three occupants of the car sustained minor injuries, and the driver was charged with causing injury while driving drunk.

The Augie Ritter, son of Gov. Bill Ritter is Boner of the Day.

Quick Summary
Bill has a headlight out. Gina thinks that he had better get it fixed before their trip to Zion's on Thursday! Thanks Gina! Bill actually watched an episode of American Idol. Paula and "Dawg" are just worthless turds. Simon is, at the very least, entertaining. Bill did like the singing of David Cook more than that of Utah's Native Son, David Archuletta. Archuletta sounds pretty much like Mariah Carey. Cook sings light rock-n-roll songs; kind of like Eddie Vedder with only one testicle. After last night, Gina is nervous, but excited about her drive to Zion's national park. Joe went out with his food mistress whilst Gina bathed Mohamed in the kitchen sink, listened to Jonesie scream because she had an accident, all while Festus was watching American Idol with the volume much too high! Gina may stay an extra day at Zion's so she can do nothing without the children. Ernie hudson is a good actor, and a fine looking man. Making Ghostbusters was a lotta fun. Saying the line, "That's a big Twinkie" was a lotta fun. Making The Hand That Rocks The Cradle was a lotta fun. The new Ghostbusters video game was a lotta fun. Provo Councilman Steve Turdley is a white elephant. Gina wants a Baja Fresh. Wasn't she supposed to call Impact guns abouteiruidssalsdkfj. Nevermind. Kerry's new favorite chocolate is shaped like a body part. He can't reveal what body part, but it's not a starfish. Really, to properly announce it, Kerry should use a rim-shot. Gina is pretty g_____d sure she isn't comfortable with this discussion. Kerry feels that the chocolates should be distributed in little tissue boxes during the Gay Pride Parade - on a highway provided by Hersey.

Gina's Sign-off
"Weren't we gonna get a concealed carry permit?"

Episode #4894

Sign-offs

• The truth is, parents don't care about justice. They just want quiet.

• Don't be so humble. You're not that great.

The Brain Drain
Gina is the beautiful Czarina of a small archipelago of islands known as Momnesia. The chief export of Momnesia has been forgetfulness, but has been subject to high tarifs in the past. All that will change, just as soon as President Bush signs "MFTA", the "Momneisa Free Trade Agreement."

Bill was not surprised to find the Czarina of Momnesia, Gina, waiting outside of the building doors with her head hanging in shame. She had forgotten her access pass.

Precious, Precious Celebrities
A celebrity was sighted by Gina last night. Not just any celebrity, but a celebrity that would impress even Bill Allred. Was it Dick Cavet? No.

Still celebrating the immaculate birth of The Sainted Mary Claire, Gina and the family were visiting Cucina Toscana for dinner. While there, Gina noticed another party walking past her to their seats. One member of the dining party was none other than Lance Armstrong. Mr. Armstrong made passing eye-contact with Gina seeming to acknowledge that, "Yes. It's me. We don't need to really talk." Some of Gina's family really, really wanted to go interrupt Mr. Armstrong's dinner so that The Sainted Mary Claire could have a birthday picture with him. Gina had to talk them out of it.

Boners (brought to you by salmon, fried potatoes, and beets)
1. "I Had Second Thoughts": Murray police officers are seeking a thief who held up a convenience store owner at gun point, took a bag containing $40 and fled. Police quickly arrived on the scene and found the gun and the $40 nearby.

2. "It's Only Norway": Eight British army commandos were sent home from Arctic military exercises in Norway after being arrested following inappropriate behavior at a local pub. The commandos entered the pub and began drinking in earnest. Later, the commandos stripped of their clothes, made lewd comments to several female patrons, and when one of their party fell down drunk, proceeded to urinate on him.

3. "Up Pup. Pup is Up": A Marine stationed in Hawaii was filmed allegedly tossing a black and white puppy off a rocky cliff. The video was uploaded to YouTube and showed the marine holding the puppy by the scruff of the neck, showing it to the camera, and then callously throwing it off the cliff. There has been some question as to whether the young canine was alive at the time of the incident, but it is nonetheless a Boner.

The puppy-tossing Marine (allegedly) is Boner of the Day.

Things That Must Go

Kerry

• Lisa Marie Presley. She looks like her father did just moments before his death.

• Nouns that are always plural and have no singular version. "Scissors." "Pants." "Tongs."

• People who are famous for being famous. People should have to do something significant in order to be famous - like a public execution. Everyone would remember Paris' trip up the stairs to the gallows.

Gina

• "Martin Luther King Day" sales events.

• The mixed-up situation that is caused when a cell-phone call is dropped. Both callers try to call the other. They both get voice mail. Gina has a new rule; The person who called originally returns the call.

• People who ask for spare change from someone who has arms full of groceries, a kid, a purse, and is reaching for their keeps.

Bill

• "Let your fingers to the walking." Bill has one finger that is going to walk right over to anyone who uses this phrase.

• "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you."

• "Thank you." "No, thank you." "No. Thank YOU." "No, no, no, it's my responsibility, nay, my pleasure to thank YOU."

• Fake laughter.

• The Utah Legislature being concerned with nothing else than lining their pockets and maintaining their boys club.

Unforgettable Quote
"I don't think. I read." - Richard T. Steadman

Neglected News
Gina is heartbroken. Patrick Swayze is dying of pancreatic cancer. Fortunately he's had the time of his life, but he's never felt this way before. Apparently this is the result of a gypsy curse on the cast of Road House. First, Jeff Healey passed away earlier this week, and now it's Patrick Swayze. Sam Elliott better watch his back. Hearing the news, celebrities reacted in different ways. Britney decided to dress conservatively in her bra AND shoes. Paris decided to destroy My Name Is Earl. Hatchet-faced Sarah Jessica Parker is staring in Spinning into Butter: The Gina Barberi Story.

Ironic Musings
Atropos reminded Kerry, Bill, and Gina of some butter related moments from Radio From Hell of the past:

Gina once had moved with a sudden and surprising "alacrity" to find something from her desk.  As she sprinted out of the studio, Bill remarked, "It's fun to watch butter on the hoof."

Bill once described Gina's skin as a simple sack for holding butter.  He claimed that if you removed Gina's skin, the sound of her insides hitting the ground would sound very similar to butter hitting glass. Upon hearing this comparison, sports guy David James felt disgusted. Gina countered, "How do you think it feels for me?  I'm the one with the butter inside."

Apart from the color of his skin, Joe is nearly as white as Bill.