Episode #5128
Days until contract expiration: 391

Sign-offs

• "It is better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot."

Damned Transient
Bill was home taking care of Little Mrs. Bill and Little Bill so Mrs. Bill could go to The Bug Store (The Deseret Industries).  Little Bill was up performing experiments in his room as Little Mrs. Bill was yelling at Bill, calling him the worst father in the world, complaining about her hunger pangs, and listening to Bunnicula for the umpteenth time.  When Bill's phone rang, Mrs. Bill asked if their windshield had been broken before.  It hadn't.  "The damn transient broke my windshield."  As Mrs. Bill was entering the store, a panhandler came up and asked her for some money.  Mrs. Bill refused and proceeded into the store.  She had a feeling that she should stand there and watch the man instead of just walking into the store, but ended up rejecting her paranoia.  When she came out, there was a large spidering crack on the bottom corner of her windshield.  Richie suggested that Mrs. Bill should really have listened to the still small voice that was the spirit of The Lord.

Carbon Ass-Prints
When that tree-huggin' Egyptian husband of Gina's bought a truck, to pull the mobile House of Character, he bought one with a remote start....  So the car can be running whilst no one is actually using it.  Apparently Joe talks the talk, walks the walk, but doesn't fly the carpet.  Gina, however, was very excited to use the remote start this morning so that she could get into a nice warm vehicle.  When She got into the truck, however, it was still cold.  The heater hadn't been left on.  <sigh>  She had the anticipation of warmth, but it was cold inside.  Joe had an eerily similar thought on their wedding night.

Sex Change
Sue's brother, Drew, is a girl.  Not really, but his boss came to him and showed him that his Social Security file lists him as a female.  He's 33-years-old, and it had never come up before.  Now he's got to go down to the IRS and whip it out.  "It" being the paperwork that Kerry and Sue need to take him from their home in Utah.

Dieting
Gina couldn't even make it one day on the "Eat what Joe Eats" diet plan.  First of all, Joe is out of town.  Who knows what kind of rotten, spoiled, and moldy cheeses he may be consuming.  Second, the babies were home asleep and Gina had to entertain two gangly 11-year-old boys.  Where else should a mother take her two pre-teen boys but to a McDonald's Playland?  She had no choice.  SHE GOTS NO PLACE ELSE TO GO!!

Boners (brought to you by a sausage, and onions, and peppers, and spinach, and cheese salad)
1. "I Give you Two-Bucks if you make it an Ice Ball":  A school-bus driver has been suspended after offering to pay other students a dollar to throw snowballs at another 13-year-old student.  Several students did throw snow at the boy, but he was not injured.

2. "Hey Kids, You Wanna See My Diaper?":  Salt Lake City police again arrested Barton Jason Lewis Bagnes (31) after he displayed the diaper he was wearing to a group of children.  Mr. Bagnes was previously nominated as a Boner when he displayed a diaper with an Elmo character on them.  In that case, the Judge saw fit to dismiss the charges when he determined that displaying a diaper to children would not cause the same level of distress as displaying his genitals.

3. "You Educators Ought to just Stay Off the Internet":  Due to a configuration error, a Pennsylvania school district sold a used classroom trailer worth $5,000 to $10,000 for a single dollar on the auction site eBay.  The trailers were originally purchased for $46,000.

The diaper display and the dismissing judge are Boners of the Day.

Awkward
After inviting Richie to a Sunday dinner, his mother then sent a text asking if Richie remembered a girl named "Sandy," whom he dated three years ago.  Richie did.  She was wondering if she had ever met Sandy.  She had, and the family had dubbed her "Catwoman."  That particular relationship ended rather unpleasantly.  Richie broke up with her, but continued to phone her for "Mormon Booty Calls."  Now, it turns out, "Sandy" is dating Richie's step-brother.

Margaret Ruth
Some women crave drama.  Even when their boyfriend has anger issues, breaks things, and refuses to let her leave, she sticks with him.  After a difficult divorce, he 80% hates you.  Keep the lawnmower.  Beheading is not an adequately considered solution during this segment.  The nice young lady with whom you have been having a MySpace relationship isn't available until her divorce is final.  She may be doing this same thing with several other guys and might be causing the divorce.  You'll be married within the next ten years.

Neglected News
Jahoova Bile is too clingy.  Jumpym Tambermann is tired of her, and much too busy writing his next Lowbook Sales song.  Hannah Montana don't like the Radiohead.  They snoobed her at the Grammys.  The whore, Darva Conger, is back.

Boners of the Week
Dave "The Best Utahn" Matson chose today's Boner as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"To all the girls I've loved before."