Episode #5117
Days until contract expiration: 407

Sign-off

• "Did you know that 'kayak' is 'kayak' spelled backwards?"

Lassie?
As the show began, Richie was no where to be found.  He wouldn't even answer his phone.  As Bill was considering a posse and search party, Richie text in to the interns.  He had slept in, for the first time in over a year.  He was up late last night writing a mediocre paper for school.

Kit Kat Knee
Gina has just given up.  She's wearing some kind of maternity tracksuit.  Why?  Well, first of all, she has "ugg" foot, which apparently spread to the rest of her body.  Second, she's going for a pedicure and needed pants she could pull up.  Bill thought it might be some kind of vitamin deficiency, or a bad case of "Kit Kat Knee."

Boners (brought to you by a delicious and well-mannered li'l steak)
1. "Wedgie!":  Witnessing a burglar breaking into the car of one of her employees, Yvonne Morris chased after the criminal, grabbed him by the waist-band of his boxers, got him in a headlock, and held him until police arrived.

2. "Cuddles are Better than Medicine":  A family doctor in the U.K. is facing removal by the General Medical Council.  The doctor is accused of pulling female patients onto his knee, wrapped his arms around them in a bear hug, and told them, "Something happens to a man when a woman sits on his knee."  Another patient was allegedly told by the doctor, "cuddles are better than medicine."

3. "Mean Buggers":  Senator Chris "Anti-Buggery" Buttars has apparently claimed that homosexuals are even more dangerous than radical Islamic terrorists.  In a new documentary, 8: The Mormon Proposition, Chris Buttars is quoted as saying of homosexuals:

• "It's just like the Muslims. Muslims are good people and their religion is anti-war. But it’s been taken over by the radical side."
• "Homosexuality will always be a sexual perversion. And you say that around here now and everybody goes nuts. But I don't care."
• "What is the morals of a gay person? You can't answer that because anything goes."
• "They're probably the greatest threat to America going down I know of."
• "They're mean. They want to talk about being nice. They're the meanest buggers I have ever seen."

Download the MP3 here:
http://www.abc4.com/media/news/5/e/4/5e45c748-e744-4b97-a6a7-50c19c384550/butters_on_gays.mp3

The story here:
http://tinyurl.com/abcxhq

Senator Chris Buttars is Boner of the Day

Celebirty Spotlight!!
Kristen Schaal, probably best known as "Mel" from Flight of the Conchords actually called into the show.  She doesn't have a preference on Bret or Jemaine, but both are better looking in person and have a great head of hair.  She was also featured in the pilot of Mad Men.  That John Hamm is much better looking in person.  Ms. Schaal has appeared multiple times on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  Mr. Stewart is much better looking in person.  By her own account, Ms. Schaal is also sweet and funny.

Things That Must Go
Gina

• Getting sick before getting out of town.
• Jason Chaffetz, the media whore.
• Silent dishwashers.
• The uninspirational quality of thingstobemiserableabout.com

Kerry

• Blaming The September 11th attacks on anything but radical religion.
• The Church of Scientology blaming The September 11th attacks  on psychiatry.
• Stupid fights in online forums.
• Grammar Nazis.
• Climbing buildings whilst dressed as Spiderman.  Try dressing as a cheeseburger.

Bill

• People bitching about the news story on the Obama's Valentine's Day meal.
• People who put their clothes in a locker without a lock at the gym.
• People who don't dry themselves at the shower.
• If Bill is using headphones at the gym, don't talk to him.
• Blowing your nose into anything but a tissue.  That includes t-shirts, your hands, shower drains, or swimming pools.
• Whatever you are clipping, whether that be hair, nose hair, finger nails, pubic hair, ear hair, back hair, loose threads on the jock strap, butt hair, cuticles, or toe nails, FOR GOD'S SAKE, DO IT OVER A GARBAGE CAN!!!!!!

Neglected News
Gina should come to the show.  She don't need to come prepared, she just needs to show up.  Bill has been yelling since before anyone heard of Lewis Black.  Lindsay likes boys again.  Naomi Watts is publicly nude.  Diamond Dave would be an excellent replacement for auto-erotic-asphyxiation fan, Michael Hutchence.  Keifer is back on the sauce, and 'sploded.

Episode #5073
Days until contract expiration: 485

Opening Song
"Drinkin'" - Reel Big Fish

Sign-offs

• "I often think that fish must get awfully tired of seafood."

We're Doomed
Bill doesn't know how he's going to make it to the end of the show today.  First of all, Gina is again absent from the show.  Mohamed is still sick and Joe has to drive Festus and Jonesie to school before attending his own job.  Second, Bill has a little case of the whiskey flu after the Simmon's Xmas party last night.  Finally, Richie is still down, down, down and moping, moping, moping.  Bill isn't trying to argue that Richie shouldn't be down, down, down, but he needs to put on a character and act "up" for the four hours of the show.  Oh, and for some reason not mentioned, Kerry doesn't really want to be here today either.

Our Son Kyle
Kyle manage to cheer Richie up a little the other day.  If only they could remember....[echo] remember....[echo] remember...... (Author's note:  You'll have to check out the podcast for this one - audio humor).

Boners (brought to you by a buffet dinner)
1. "I'm Drug and Pants Free ":  A Salt Lake man stripped and streaked naked from his home in order to prove to his girlfriend that he was done taking methamphetamines.  The man was arrested and charged with lewdness.

2. "Hanging Around With Your Pants Down":  Responding to an alarm at the Intermountain R/C Raceway, police discovered a man hanging from a vent in the woman's restroom, without any pants. The man claims that he was on the roof of the establishment smoking when he fell through a faulty vent cover and became lodged in the ventilation.  He was arrested.

3. "The War on The War on Xmas":  Senator Chris "Dark and Ugly" Buttars is celebrating his narrow re-election with a return of bigotted, wasteful, and pointless measures.  Claiming that The United States is a Christian Nation* and feeling that a wish of "Happy Holidays" is an afront to such a nation, Mr. Buttars has proposed an unenforceable resolution ostensibly in order to encourage retailers to embrace "Christmas" instead of "Holidays." 

Senator Chris "The Baby is Black" Buttars is Boner of the Day.

Turn Out the Lights
The Simmon's Xmas party was a pretty good event.  The dinner was pretty good, for a buffet.  There were a couple of stand-up comedians, who were actually not bad.  Kerry ended up wearing a suit and tie.  Sue gave him a choice; wear a tie and live or, well...  spend eternity with Skillet the Squirrel.  Kerry chose the first option.  Kerry doesn't have a particular problem with dressing up, but feels the tie is the stupidest accessory for men that has yet to be invented.  Not only is it uncomfortable, but if you lean forward it falls in your soup, or salad, or whatever heavy machinery may be nearby.


* (see the Treaty of Tripoli and The Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom)

Episode #4883

Good News Everyone!
Davis County has published a report indicating a drop in the cases of STDs since 2006, specifically chlamydia. The report doesn't say, but Bill is relatively sure this is because people in Davis County have stopped having sex with people from Ogden.

In other news, Sen. Chris Buttars has changed his mind and is running for re-election. If given the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe, he's not actually a racist, gay-hating bigot, why would anyone vote for him? Doesn't his actions and words display a certain stupidity that should prevent him from being elected? Thanks West Jordan.

Competition
First thing in the morning, Bill listens to NPR on KCPW. KCPW has debuted a new morning show that's supposed to be hip and edgy. All of their bumpers and advertisements are hip and edgy, but the interviews and stories are deathly, deathly dull. It's dull, dull, dull! My God it's dull! It's so deadly dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and desperately dull!

Boners (brought to you by soup and polenta bread)
1. "Another Reason For Gina To Sell Me Her iPod": Armed British police officers arrested, detained, and ultimately let go of a man in possession of an mp3-player on a bus. A woman mistook the music device for a gun, and phoned police. Police spotted the man on CCTV, and followed him home. There they arrested him. The man was photographed, finger-printed, swabbed for DNA, and thrown into a cell. After police found no evidence of a firearm, the man was ultimately released.

2. "I Was Going Home To Practice": A member of the U.S. military was stopped and arrested at the Yakima, WA airport for attempting to carry practice grenades through security. The grenades had live fuses, but no high-explosives. The FBI is currently investigating.

3. "Conflict of Interest": Ogden Police Chief AND State Senator Jon Greiner helped to kill a bill that would have made ticket quotas illegal. Greiner claims that looking at the number of tickets written during a performance review that affects an officer's salary does not constitute a quota in the first place.
(View Story of Jon Greiner's appeal of a Federal “Hatch Act” ruling)

Jon Greiner is Boner of the Day.

The Side Show
As Joe was getting on a plane to Atlanta for business, he noticed that a lot of the other passengers smelled of cigarette smoke and were heavily tattooed. He also noticed one particular gentleman in a fedora. As he was looking at images on the X96 website, he realized that the gentleman in the fedora was none other than Jim Rose. That was all well and good, but Bill happened to know that Mr. Rose was not going to Atlanta, but rather Pahrump, NV. Apparently both Mr. Rose and Joe enjoy the adult entertainment available in the city.

Bill Frost
Journeyman and The Bionic Woman are not likely to re-appear. Chuck, Heroes, and Reaper should all return this fall. Someone is searching for another pussy-cat. My Dad is Better Than Your Dad on NBC. Prison Break may be in limbo. Boston Legal and Nip/Tuck end this week. The Human Giant sketch show on MTV has a special. Cashmere Lipstick Mobsters is still a terrible show.

Unforgettable Quote
"I could pump and dump." - Gina Barberi

Neglected News
Lindsay Lohan is naked. Jamima Simpkins and Joe Simpkins want to make another TV show starring Jamima's ass. Dakota Fanning doesn't like cancer kids.