radiofromhell
06 November 2009 @ 12:44 pm
RFH - 2009-11-06  
Episode #5293
Days until contract expiration: 146
Edition 1066 of Atropos' blog.
Day 38 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 4 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-off
  • "What if the hokey pokey is what it's all about?"

It's a Funny Hat
Norm McDonald doesn't get up early.  Norm was made from old sperm.  Norm's father had the word "massive" written on his death certificate.  Norm knows a lot about country music.  Norm really doesn't have Billy Joe Shaver's phone number.  Norm isn't sure if David Allen Coe is still in prison or not.

Unforgettable Quote
"You shot your wad with 'old sperm.'" - Bill Allred

Boners
1. "Don't You Know Who I Am?":  Representative Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) used a swear (the 's' word) when he was confronting TSA agents.  When he learned of this, Jesus cried.  Mr. Chaffetz also threatened an agent with, "Do you know who I am?"

2. "Baby in a Box":  A woman gave her baby to the babysitter and told her to hide it, so she did.  She hid the infant in a box under a bed.  The baby was found 5 days later and managed to survive.

3. "Miss California Walks Away":  The bigoted former Miss California and champion of morality, Carrie Prejean, is dropping her lawsuit against the Miss California USA after TMZ reported that they had received a sex tape featuring Ms. Prejean.  TMZ claimed that the video was too raunchy to be posted on their website.

The baby hiding mother and babysitter are Boners of the Day.


The Painful Circle
If your husband is posting his underpants photos on the internet and looking for love, it's time to leave.  Don't let your oldest sister take advantage of you.  Tell her that she needs to come home and take care of her kids.  If your boyfriend keeps running back to his ex-girlfriend whenever she calls him, you are second choice.  Hit the road.  Don't meet guys at the bar; meet them at the X96 bowling mixer instead.

Days Gone By
Kerry once again forgot his deodorant, so he asked to borrow Richie's.  Richie uses "Right Guard EXTREME!"  Oddly enough, Kerry found that the EXTREME version of Right Guard still smells exactly like that gold can of right guard you got in Jr. High School.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose Thursday's Boner, "When You're a Cop in Tooele, It's Party Time!," as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"Blowin' the dust off my eggs."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.


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radiofromhell
30 October 2009 @ 02:07 pm
RFH - 2009-10-30  
Episode #5288
Days until contract expiration: 153
Edition 1061 of Atropos' blog.
Day 31 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 11 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-offs
  • "Nothing on Earth is so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night."
  • "I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all of the fun out of Halloween."

The Haters
The reviews are in and Bill Allred is ... "too radio-polished."  Fortunately, Bill isn't bothered by the slightly negative review.  Bill has been receiving hate-mail and bad reviews in a myriad of different formats over the 5000+ episodes of The Radio From Hell Show.  Bill quickly learned that though the haters are vocal, the ratings speak their own truth. 

Boners
1. "I've Got a Tummy Ache":  A British woman has undergone surgery to remove more than 70 pieces of cutlery from her stomach.  The woman, who may be suffering from a personality disorder, intentionally swallowed the variety of forks and spoons instead of eating her meals.  The woman has been undergoing therapy and is said to be improving.

2. "Radio Scum":  In an ill-conceived concert ticket giveaway, radio dirtbag "Tyler Kruze" asked his listeners to send him naked pictures of themselves via e-mail.  The photos were edited and placed in an online gallery.  Though the operations manager, Mike Ferris, claimed that the ages of the women in the photographs were verified, he declined to provide any details as to how that verification took place.

3. "We're In Disguise":  Two burglars in disguise were quickly identified when the "masks" they wore during their attempted heist turned out to be permanent black maker.  Police responding to the call about an attempted burglary pulled over a car matching the alleged suspects' vehicle.  The two were quickly identified as they were still "wearing" their disguise.

The radio scum is Boner of the Day.

Boner Of The Week
Dave "The Best Utahn" Matson chose Tuesday's Boner, "We Want You To Feel Even Worse About That Abortion," as Boner of the Week.

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radiofromhell
23 October 2009 @ 12:46 pm
RFH - 2009-10-23  
RFH - 2009-10-23


Episode #5283
Days until contract expiration: 160
Edition 1056 of Atropos' blog.
Day 24 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 18 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-off
  • "The problem with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech."

Turned on it's Ear
Last night was the opening for Bill's Radio Hour play of Alice in Wonderland.  This was a triumph!  I'm making a note here, "Huge success!"  It's hard to overstate my satisfaction!  Of course, on the other hand, Bill is just bloody tired, but, for now, he's still alive.

Do I Stink?
Yesterday, Kerry and Sue decided that they wanted to partake of the Garlic Burgers from The Cottonbottom, one of the stops on Radio From Hell's Ten Towns in Ten Days tour.  Kerry thought they he could just call down and order two burgers for take out, then he'd bring them home and he and Sue could enjoy them.  HA!  Silly Kerry.  The Cottonbottom is technically a bar, not an eating establishment.  According to the Department of Alcohol Beverage Control, they are unable to take phone orders because the caller may not be 21.  So, instead, Kerry had to go down there, order, then sit and wait until the burgers were prepared.

Boners (brought to you by lasagna)
1. "I'm Not Meatloaf.  I'm THE Meatloaf":  Eric Brown of Middletown, Ohio, faces charges after he attempted to grab the steering wheel of the taxi in which he was traveling.  Mr. Brown was wearing a vampire costume and appeared to be trying to impersonate the singer Meatloaf.

2. "Hey Lay-Z-Boy!  Where's the Fire?":  A man who converted his recliner into a motorized vehicle complete with stereo and cup-holders was arrested for drunk driving after he crashed the piece of furniture into a parked vehicle outside of a bar.  The chair was powered by a converted lawn-mower engine and is thought to be capable of traveling at 15-20 miles-per-hour.  The chair was impounded and will be sold at the next public auction.

3. "'You Land The Plane.'  'No You Land the Plane.'  'No You Land the Plane, You Douche!'":  Federal officials are investigating an incident in which a passenger airline lost contact with the tower for more than an hour and overshot the airport by at least 150 miles.  The plane was scheduled to land at 8:01pm, but didn't land until 9:15pm.  Though it was initially thought that the pilots may have fallen asleep, the two, instead, claimed that they were arguing about airline policies.

The two inattentive pilots are Boners of the Day.

The Painful Circle
Once again, if you're going snooping into somebody's e-mail or text-messages, be prepared to deal with what you may find.  A healthier response might be to talk to your partner about your suspicions before you go snooping.  If your spouse joins the Navy without telling you, that might be a deal-breaker.  Crazy mom's are apt to continue to be crazy, no matter what you do.

Boner Of The Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose Tuesday's Boner, "You Are a Dog" as Boner of the Week.

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

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radiofromhell
16 October 2009 @ 08:13 pm
RFH - 2009-10-16  

Episode #5278
Days until contract expiration: 167
Edition 1051 of Atropos' blog.
Day 17 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 25 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-off
  • If you see a little dwarf running around, his name is 'Tatu' and we like to play horsey.

Boners (brought to you by an autumn harvest salad)
1. "You Don't Want None of Them Mulatto Babies":  A Louisiana Justice of the Peace refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple because, he claims, that he was concerned for any children the couple might have.  JoP Keith Bardwell told reporters that he was not a racist but that, in his experience, interracial marriages don't last very long and the mixed-race children were not accepted by either community.

2. "Stay There Next to The Couch":  After a 14-year-old disabled boy's mother was sent to a psychiatric hospital, the man who took care of the boy tethered him to a couch in order to keep him from running away from home.

3. "I Vote To Support Rape":  Thirty Republican senators voted against an ammendment proposed by Al Franken (D-MI) to prevent the U.S. government from issuing contracts to companies that require their employee to sign "rape clauses."  The ammendment was in response to KBR (a division of Haliburton) requiring their employees to sign a document preventing a victim from suing the company in the case that they are raped by other employees.  Such was the situation in the case of Jamie Leigh Jones, who was gang-raped by several KBR employees, then locked in a storage crate when she attempted to report the incident.  When Ms. Jones returned to the U.S., she attempted to sue the company, only to discover that her contract forced her to settle for arbitration instead.  The measure passed without the support of the 30 Republican senators.

The, apparently, pro-rape senators and KBR are Boners of the Day.

The Painful Circle
If you go snooping, be prepared to deal with what you may find.  If you snoop and discover your husband bad-mouthing you to another woman, leave him.  No matter what you do, Utah usually splits the property 50-50. 

Neglected News
Mr. Kimmel is banging his head writer.  Brett "Chunga" Smith is amazing and makes $700,000 a year.  The IRS will be pleased to know it.

Boner of the week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose today's Boner, the allegedly pro-rape senators, as Boners of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off (via Richie)
"Well, I didn't want to wake him up."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

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radiofromhell
09 October 2009 @ 10:02 am
RFH - 2009-10-09  

Episode #5273
Days until contract expiration: 174
Edition 1046 of Atropos' blog.

Day 10 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 32 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-offs

  • "Ever wonder if this world is another planet’s hell?"
  • "A human being is an ingenious assembly of portable plumbing."

Expendable in Hell
Richie is nonexpendable. But, when compared on the Scale of Expendability, he’s more expendable than Kerry, Bill and Gina. However, if he is expended, Bill is very clear: there will be hell to pay. Although it’s unsure if it will be Richie’s Mormon hell or Gina’s Catholic hell. In any case, going to the Mormon hell doesn’t sound too bad, especially since it’ll have TV. 

Best Question of the Week
“What’s the most star-struck you’ve ever been? Who’s the least favorite person you’ve met?”

Bill didn’t like being around Emo Phillips. For one thing, he and Kerry were snowed in once at a hotel, and the only thing on TV was a comedy special with Emo Phillips. And when he came into the studio 20 years later, he was a turd.

Bill loved Gina Torres, from Firefly, Mrs. Laurence Fishburne. He thought she was stunningly beautiful and just as nice as you could possibly be. He also likes Crispin Glover because he’s fun and cool, friendly and gracious.

Kerry hated Mischa Barton, or “Stripper Glitter.” He hated the preconditions of the interview.

He loved George from The Bob Newhart Show, Tom Poston. And Betty White. He was disappointed with McLean Stevenson. Star-struck by Bruce Campbell for about 10 minutes, but then he was so cool. And Kerry loved having William Shatner on the show. He didn’t know what to say when he met Penn and Teller.

Gina really enjoyed having Kiefer Sutherland. He was very forthcoming, and very nice, and tiny. “Itty Bitty Kiefer Sutherland.”

She was very disappointed by Jane Seymour. She loved her in a lot of her roles, and was so excited to have her in-studio. Bill said she was a big, fat, hugging, dumb phony. Such a disappointment.

Richie loved Antonio Banderas. He can still smell Antonio if he concentrates, and the fact that he’s short doesn’t matter.

Biggest disappointment for Richie was when Jeremy Piven neglected to call in.

Boners
1. “And what about that three-legged cat, then?”: A gay man in England had allegedly ordered too much curry, so took some over to his lesbian neighbors. It was discovered that he had poisoned the curry with slug pellets. He also allegedly kidnapped their three-legged cat, Amber, and left her in a village miles away. The cat was found and the man has been arrested.

 

2. “Hey, you going to Principal Wilson’s retirement dinner?”: The principal of a Louisville, Kentucky, high school showed security footage of two teenagers having sex to several other staff members. He made lewd comments during the screening, and commented that he could easily manipulate the footage, slowing it down or speeding it up. He has since announced his retirement.

 

3. “They’re just Mexicans…”: A dentist in American Fork has been practicing for 10 years without a license. He said he only worked on Hispanics who could pay in cash. Many of the tools the police found were rusty. It wasn’t even the dentist’s primary source of income.

The perverted and obviously bored principal is Boner of the Day.


Painful Circle
Special guest: Bruce Solomon, life coach and relationship expert. He’s an expert because he has three daughters and he never killed any of their boyfriends.

Gina says that they should make everyone put on a condom before they enter the Painful Circle. If you’re 33, it’s too late. Say it with us, people: “NO!” Kerry says on the subject of moving in too soon that you have to channel your inner Spock and not your inner Kirk. If you move somewhere new, you just gotta keep at it. Just keep at it. Do stuff.

Unforgettable Quote
“I think he was a tan Spanish…” - Richie

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Best Utahn" Matson chose "I gotta smoke!" as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
“Come to Subway and get a sandwich, pleeease!”

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

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radiofromhell
02 October 2009 @ 12:57 pm
RFH - 2009-10-02  

Episode #5268
Days until contract expiration: 181
Edition 1041 of Atropos' blog.
Day 3 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 39 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-ff
"I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles."

There's This Place
Here at Ruth's Diner, Kerry, Bill and Richie can see down into the same valley once seen by Brigham Young when he said, "This is the right place."  Members of the LDS church believe that this mean, "This is the place I saw in a vision sent by The LORD."  What it really meant was, "This is the place Jim Bridger told me about."  Richie believes that both versions of the story are likely true. 

Ruth's Diner, the last stop on Ten Towns in Ten Days, is a famous icon.  People really liked Ruth's when the restaurant's owner and namesake used to sell cigarettes and beer to underage teenagers.  No one knows where Ruth is buried, but her little chihuahua dog is buried in the back under a tree.

Meh - We Gots Two More
As Gina is leaving for Chicago, she wasn't on the show this morning, but she did make a call on her way to the airport.  Gina is leaving town even though Festus is sick once again, this time with a 102 degree fever.  Gina feels guilty that he gets sick so often.  She's relatively sure that it's because she didn't breast feed him.  Bill suggested that she go and get some breast milk then.  It can't be that hard to find here in Utah.  Kerry suggested an easier path; run down to the IFA and get some of that lamb milk replacement.  That'll fix up Festus' need for lactation.

Unforgettable Quote
"I can get you lactating in about 30 seconds." - Bill Allred

Boners (brought to you by pork noodle soup)
1. "What Does, 'I have a gub,' Mean?":  A would-be bank-robber in Oregon was thwarted in her heist attempt when the bank teller could not read the thief's handwriting on the stick-up note.  When the thief stepped away to re-write the note on another bank slip, the teller was able to set-off the silent alarm.  Police arrived shortly and arrested the woman.

2. "I Was Reaching For The Stick Shift":  A German truck driver flipped his rig because he was masturbating behind the wheel whilst driving.

3. "Hey You Republicans!  No Backsies!":  A conservative think-tank headed by Newt Gingrich has rescinded an "Entrepreneur of The Year" award after learning that The Lodge was a popular topless club in Texas.

Newt Gingrich and his group are Boners of the Day.

Painful Circle
Be happy with yourself and you'll never be lonely.  Women don't care for the stench of desperation.  You can put your desires out to the universe and the Laws of Attraction will give you anything and everything your heart desires -- or, you can try wishing in one hand and taking a crap in the other.  One of them will get filled.  Gay time is approximately four times faster than heterosexual time.  Bi-sexual time moves at 2.5 times.  Don't take your snake out in a crowded restaurant.  It's unhygienic.

The Odd Question of the Week
Not really "The Best Question", but the oddest question came from an F.O.P who was under the impression that Gina and Bill were married at one point and had a kid together.  Though Radio From Hell has, in the past, allowed that rumor to spread, it's just not true.  Kerry did once ask Gina out on a date, but she rebuffed his advances.  Kerry feels very, very, very, very, very lucky to have dodged that bullet.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Best Utahn" Matson chose ""Well, I Had a One out of Four Chance of Checking the Right Leg" as Boner of the Week.

Richie's Sign-off
"Ehh...Ok? Amen."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.


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radiofromhell
25 September 2009 @ 12:38 pm
RFH - 2009-09-25  
Episode #5263
Days until contract expiration: 188
Edition 1036 of Atropos' blog.

...and...

Only 46 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!


Cold and Doughy
Ten Towns in Ten Days continues in American Fork at the Flour Girls and Dough Boys, a locally owned bakery.  Gina doesn't really care about the fresh baked sticky buns, the cinnamon rolls, or delicious whole wheat bread.  No.  Gina is stoked because Flour Girls and Dough Boys serves "pebble ice," which is Gina's favorite kind of ice.   It's amazing!  You can't just get that kind of ice anywhere!

Boners
1. "And if You Look Out the Right Side of the Plane, You'll See My Ex-Girlfriend":  A California man has been charged with stalking after he was caught making low passes over the home of his girlfriend for more than a year.

2. "I Didn't Get Anything on The Hunt":  Intending to go hunting with his father, a son noticed that his father was not acting right and returned him to his home.  The man went on to watch TV until his wife heard him doing something with his weapon.  When she opened the door to the bedroom, he stood there with his rifle and told her that he was going to kill her.  She fled the scene, running out of the door.  The man fired a single shot at her, but missed.  Police say the man had been drinking and was on prescription medication.

3. "Don't You Know Who I Am!?"  Senator Curtis Bramble (R-Provo), the former majority leader for the Utah Senate attended a hearing on legislative ethics at the Provo Library.  Though everyone else wrote their questions on cards and patiently waited until their name was read, Mr. Bramble shouted his questions from the back of the room until another attendee yelled back, "Wait your turn!"

Curtis Bramble is Boner of the Day.


Best Question of the Week
"What's something that the other members of the RFH members don't know about you?"

That's a hard question.  After all, Kerry, Bill, and Gina spend 20 hours per week in the same room with one another and have done so for years and years.

Gina finally related a story in which she had killed a rat; a story that she had already told on the air before.  Daddy Gary was determined to get rid of the rats living underneath a large doghouse.  Daddy Gary armed Gina and her sisters with shovels and told them to smack anything that moved after he lifted the dog-house.  When he did, the rats scurried, and Gina got one.  Smacked it dead with a shovel.

Richie had a more interesting story - and one that was pretty unbelievable; he was once disfellowshipped from the LDS church for seven months when he was 22-years-old.  He wouldn't elaborate on it, but it was pretty shocking to hear from Radio From Hell's fresh-faced Mormon phone greeter.

Kerry cried when John Belushi died.  Kerry shouldn't be embarrassed by that, however; Bill will lose it when Jim Belushi dies.

The coup de grâce, however, was Bill's story of near incarceration.  When he was in high school, Bill got involved with the bad kids - and his girlfriend was a terrible influence on him.  He took drugs (LSD, cocaine, pot) and eventually started selling pot to his H.S. friends.  He would get the pot from a bigger dealer named Paul.  Paul had suitcases full of bricks of pot.  He would weigh out 10 baggies for Bill to sell, and one for him to keep.  Well, Bill eventually got caught along with Paul.  Fortunately for Bill, they didn't have real evidence on him, and they had to let him go.  Paul went to jail.  Bill was only charged with illegal possession of tobacco.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" chose the institution taking an insane killer to the fair as Boner of the Week.


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radiofromhell
18 September 2009 @ 12:49 pm
RFH - 2009-09-18  
Episode #5258
Days until contract expiration: 195
Edition 1032 of Atropos' blog.

...and...

Only 53 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-off
  • "I'm not crazy.  Just ask the toaster."
  • "I found Jesus.  He was in the trunk of my car when I got back from Tijuana."

Boners
1. "Rush Goes Full On Racist":  Discussing an unfortunate attack on a white student by a black student whilst on a school bus, radio comedian Rush Limbaugh said, "It's Obama's America, is it not? Obama's America -- white kids getting beat up on school buses now. I mean, you put your kids on a school bus, you expect safety, but in Obama's America, the white kids now get beat up with the black kids cheering."

2. "Anybody Pick Up My Penny?"  An Ohio woman attempting to smash a penny by placing it on a rail-road track was hit by a train and sustained minor injuries.

3. "Them Rottweilers Are Good Dogs":  The Wichita Eagle's Stan Finger Reports!  A woman investigating a break-in in her garage found something more disturbing than a thief as she caught theperpetrator engaged in sexual abuse of her four-month-old rottweiler puppy.  Police were called and arrested the man, who had been arrested on similar charges less than six-months prior.

Racist commentator Rush Limbaugh is Boner of the Day.

The Painful Circle: Divorce Edition
If you live in Utah for at least three months, then you can file for divorce in Utah courts.  You must live in Utah for six-months, however, to file for custody of children.  If you're paying child support and/or alimony, make sure you leave a paper trail.  If your ex-spouse has not been paying child-support, you can usually claim at least the last four years.  If your ex-spouse is harassing you with trivial court hearings, you can file to have them pay for your legal fees.  If the child is not yours, DO NOT sign the birth certificate.  If the woman who had the baby on whose birth certificate you did sign (but shouldn't have) is garnishing your wages and not passing them along to the woman who is actually taking care of the baby, she may be guilty of fraud.  Call Wade Taylor, Attorney at Law: http://www.wadetaylorlaw.com/

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose radio racist and comedian, Rush Limbaugh, as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"Happy Eid!"


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radiofromhell
11 September 2009 @ 08:05 pm
RFH - 2009-09-11  
Episode #5253
Days until contract expiration: 202
Edition 1027 of Atropos' blog.

The Best Question of the Week
"What do you see as the future of radio?  What will you do if/when there is no radio?"  Griff will do stand up.  Bill isn't sure that radio will ever completely go away.  For a lot of years, people thought that AM radio was dying, but it came back with political talk radio.  FM may have to reinvent itself, but people will always need some form of local radio.

Boners (brought to you by tuna pasta.  See recipes below.)
1. "Gotcha With a Jellyfish":  According to police reports, a highly intoxicated man in Flordia repeatedly pretended to drown himself, then floated back up and began flinging jellyfish at nearby teenagers.  He was charged with disorderly intoxication and a concealed weapon.

2. "Today I'd Like To Define Hypocrisy":  A Fort Worth, TX-area school district, which banned Obama's speech to the nation's school children, is still proceeding with their plans to bus 28 fifth-grade classes to see former President George W. Bush speak.  Superintendent Jerry McCullough of The Arlington school district defended the actions saying that a field trip required parental permission. (Update: The school has since canceled their field trip plans.)

3. "That Kidnapped Girl Missed a Lot of Good Sports":  Sports-columnist Mark Whicker of the Orange Country Register, along with his editors, thought it would be appropriate to discuss the subject of sports reminiscences using kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard as his subject.  Ms. Dugard was kidnapped 18-years-ago, when she was just 11 years old.  She was found just last month at the age of 29.  Mr. Whicker lamented that Ms. Dugard, who was repeatedly raped and forced to birth two of her attackers children, hadn't seen a sports page in 18-years.  He went on to wax poetic about several sports highlights that had taken place during Ms. Dugard's forced detainment.  The paper has since issued an apology.

Mr. Whicker and his ass-hat editors are Boners of the Day.

Bill's Tuna Pasta Recipe
Sautee some garlic and capers in oil.  Add 1/2 cup white wine, and allow to reduce slightly.  Add the tuna and allow that to heat up.  In another pan, cook up some fusilli pasta.  Drain the pasta and toss with the tuna mixure, adding some more garlic, lemon zest, and butter.

Kerry's Clam Pasta Recipe
 Sautee some garlic and tomatoes in oil.  Add 1/2 cup white wine, and allow to reduce slightly.  Add the clams and allow them to heat up.  In another pan, cook up some spaghetti pasta.  Drain the pasta and toss with the clam mixure, adding some more garlic, lemon zest, and butter.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose those people who kept their children home from school to keep them from hearing President Obama's speech as Boners of the Week.


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radiofromhell
04 September 2009 @ 07:22 pm
RFH - 2009-09-04  
Episode #5249
Days until contract expiration: 209
Edition 1023 of Atropos' blog.

Best Question of the Week
"Radio From Hell, when did you lose your virginity."  Sixteen.  Seventeen.  Twenty-one.  Kerry received a fantastic birthday present from his whore (in a mostly good way) of a girlfriend on his 16th birthday.  They went to the drive-in theater and she handed Kerry a box of condoms and said, "Happy Birthday!"  Bill was 17 and was also at a drive-in - probably in a Ford Fairlane.  Bill doesn't remember the movie, but does remember that it wasn't the greatest experience in the world...and the trips to the doctor afterward were really not very pleasant.  Gina, on the other hand, did it right.  She waited until she had an engagement ring on her finger and she was 21.  That means she waited until marriage.  Not until the actual ceremony - but she still did it righter than Bill or Kerry.

Boners (brought to you by turkey burger)
1. "Them Gals Was Plump":  Police in Washington are looking for a trio of escorts who allegedly store $440 in cash and merchandise from four incredibly intoxicated witnesses.  The four found an escort who they found attractive in a classified ad and called to hire her.  When she arrived with two other female friends, the four found the woman to be "bigger and thicker" than the ad had led them to believe.  Though they were paid at the door, one of the women asked to use the bathroom and made off with a Blackberry and several pieces of jewelry.

2. "Pardon Me Madam, But Are You Sloshing?":  A Louisiana woman was caught trying to smuggle a 20-pound case of beer out of a grocery store under her dress and gripped between her thighs. 

3. "Go With God, Sister.  Go With God."  A drunken nun was charged with driving under the influence after the church-owned car that she was driving careened into a tree.  Sister Hanley was arrested and found to have a blood alcohol level more than twice the legal limit.

The drunks and their plump escorts are Boners of the Day.

The Painful Circle
If you're sick of having Taco Bell everyday, maybe have your girlfriend dress up like Mayor McCheese, or grimace.  Polygamists are headed to Mexico.  Again.   If your friend rebuffs your advances, maybe you ought to give him some room for a while.  Carl with a 'C' is nothing but a booty call.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose "He Was Just So Dark" as Boner of the Week.



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radiofromhell
21 August 2009 @ 05:59 pm
RFH - 2009-8-21  
Episode #5239
Days until contract expiration: 223
Day 1 of Gina's last walk.

Sign-off
  • God has a sense of humor.  Don't believe me?  Just go to Wal-mart and look at people.

Morning Has Broken
The early hours of Friday begin darkly at Snowbird.  Bill was noting that fall was approaching now that he could see Orion in the sky.  Gina didn't notice the stars.  She had to keep her head down to watch the path so that she didn't fall down.

Boners
1. "Stuff Your Dog......License":  A Bakersfield woman who purchased a stuffed watchdog was targeted by Kern County Animal Control for failing to license her dog.  Officials noticed the dog in the window had no tags and sent repeated warnings that the 83-year-old woman would be fined $200 unless she purchase a license for her "dog."

(actual photo)

2. "Gimme That Ball":  A 23-year-old Waco, TX woman was charged with injury to a child after she allegedly hit a 13-year-old boy in a wheelchair.  Police reports claim that the woman swung at the boy, who was wearing a pre-surgical medical halo, during an altercation over a soccer ball.  The woman denies any wrong doing.

3. "I'll Teach You to Chatter Out of Turn"  Steven Kimball of Riverton, UT was arrested and charged with child abuse after he, allegedly, placed duct tape over the mouth of his 12-year-old wheelchair bound autistic stepson and then ripped the tape off.  Kimball admitted to placing the tape over the boys mouth and then ripping it off in order to cause pain to the boy.  Mr. Kimball then set to removing the tape residue with a rag, which left a large abrasion.  Mr. Kimball claims that he was irritated that the boy would not stop "chattering."

Steven Kimball is Boner of the Day.

Unforgettable Quote
"I can't do anything straight." - Richard T. Steadman

The Barberi Army
The Jones family has a system when they go out to dinner.  First, Joe goes in and gets a table.  Then he orders for everybody before calling Gina and telling her when the food will arrive.  That way, the children arrive just in time to eat and have no time to wreak havoc upon the restaurant.  Unfortunately, Joe still can't be trusted with Gina's food.  It arrived with cheese on it.  Gina can't just scrape it off, because it might leave some cheese residue.  Kerry and Sue noted that Jonesie was fairly well trained, but Li'l "Monster" Mohamed was a terror.  Gina claims it's because he's mobile, but he can't reason yet.  Bill suggested that Li'l Mohamed try reasoning with the back of Gina's hand.  There's no arguing with that.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Bald Guy From Snowbird" Fields chose today's Boner as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"I rode the tram!"

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radiofromhell
14 August 2009 @ 06:51 pm
RFH - 2009-08-14  

Sign-offs
  • "I plan to live forever.  So far, so good."
  • "Listen, don't pee in my pool and I won't swim in your terlet."

Boners (brought to you by flank steak)
1. "Radio From Hell Will Announce It":  The Spectrum newspaper in St. George, Utah refused to publish the wedding announcement of a gay couple from California who were legally married there before Proposition 8 was passed.  The editor of the paper claimed that he was following a policy that only allowed wedding announcements for marriages that are legal in the state of Utah.
 
 

2. "I Love My Car":  A man was was charged with indecent exposure after being caught in the parking lot of a Smith's engaged in an unmentionable act with his vehicle.

3. "I Thought I Was Already Doing Community Service":  An Arizona man was sentenced to more than 300 hours of community service and a year of parole for leaving water bottles in the desert for illegal immigrants crossing the border. 

The Spectrum is Boner of the Day.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Best Utahn" Matson chose "Would Somebody Please Hit This Guy?" as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"Ahhhh...  This was fun."

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radiofromhell
07 August 2009 @ 08:24 pm
RFH - 2009-08-07  
Episode #5229
Days until contract expiration: 237
Day 9 of Gina's Most Newest Morning Meander

Opening Song
"Blitzkrieg Bop" - The Ramones

New Slogans
  • "Radio From Hell:  The Best Radio Show in America Today."
  • "Radio From Hell:  You send us the money, we'll send you the sauce."

Quick Summary
John Hughes died.  The Breakfast Club is the dumbest movie ever made, but a classic.  Richie won't see The Blues Brothers because it uses "the F-word" four times, but will see She's Having a Baby even though it has boobies.  John Candy was fantastic in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, but terrible in Uncle Buck.  Salt Lake City has underrated bars and clubs.  Taking a walk through The Gateway will convince a person to stay in Utah.  If not The Gateway, then definitely mention the fisheries.  Gina can't brain today.  She has the dumb.

Boners (
1. "You Must Be Getting Sleepier":  A Korean hypnotist, who may or may not be named Vincent Lords, was fined after stealing a kiss from his 27-year-old date whom he believed to be in a hypnotic trance.

2. "I'm OK!"  A 76-year-old Wyoming man was tasered by police as he drove an antique tractor in a small-town parade.  Police had grown concerned about the man's driving and deployed the stun device.  The man had a heart condition, but indicated that he was OK after the incident.

3. "Check the folds":  Five-hundred pound George Vera managed to sneak an unloaded 9mm pistol into a correctional facility hidden in the folds of his back fat - despite having been searched at least three times.  Mr. Vera reliquished the weapon when he was instructed to take a shower.

The morbidly obese gun enthusiast is Boner of the Day.

The Painful Circle
You'll never make any money in radio or as an English teacher.  A great many jokes require good timing.  Radio From Hell cures cancer just as well as laugh-therapy.  After leaving a bad relationship wait at least 24-hours, or until everything is dry before dating.  If your picker is broken, seek a new picker.  Cooking classes are a great place to find something to eat, as well as get a terrific dinner.  Barring that, take the fun bus to Wendover.  Meeting gay folks is easy at a Roller Derby tournament.  France is for lovers.  Use a condom.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose "Bleach Attack!" as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"It's too soon!"
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radiofromhell
31 July 2009 @ 06:16 pm
RFH - 2009-07-31  

Episode #5224
Days until contract expiration: 244
Day 4 of Gina's Most Newest Morning Meander

Pre-Neglected News
Gina only put the CD player on continuous so she could go in the other room and enjoy the sex couch.  Whenever someone went to sit on the sex couch, Kerry would ask them, "Are you sure you wanna sit on that?"  Bill is done with Entertainment Weekly.  It's the most worthless magazine on the planet.  Who the hell cares why TR Knight quit his TV show.  Bill ruined The Moon.  Richie isn't sure that Gina is prettier and funnier than the women at the Women in Radio panel.  Richie bought a truck what fell off a truck for $99. 

Boners (brought to you by a martini and.............something)
1. "That Dog Don't Hunt":  After spending 28 years in prison, a man convicted of killing a man in Florida on the basis of a scent tracking German Shepard has been exonerated by DNA evidence.  The dog and it's owner were discredited in 1984 when a judge tested the dog and found that the animal could not follow a scent for more than 100 feet - let alone underwater as the dog's owner claimed.  No one reviewed cases involving the dog nor informed the convicted man that the dog had been discredited.

2. "Justifiable Shake Assault":  A 48-year-old Dairy Queen patron assaulted a 16-year-old employee with a milk shake.  The patron had gone through the drive-thru and ordered a shake.  Unfortunately, he found the shake too thick for his taste.  He went into the store and complained to the employee.  The employee replaced the shake with one that was thinner.  The patron found it still too thick and hurled the cup at the employee, hitting him in the chest.

3. "You Don't Understand.  We're In Love":  A South Carolina man on probation for having sex with a horse was again arrested for having sex with the same horse, a 21-year-old mare named "Sugar." 

The horse lover is Boner of the Day.

The Painful Circle
You can't get pregnant on Facebook.  Growing apart?  Keep going and sign the papers.  Polyamory is like polygamy but more complicated.  The Kinsey Scale is a ruler for gay folk.  Bisexual men just need one person to cuddle with and another person to work on the car.  Sister Dixon makes Pierce a darned fine meal every Sunday.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" chose Glenn Beck as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"Poor Sugar."


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radiofromhell
23 July 2009 @ 12:48 pm
RFH - 2009-07-23  
Episode #5219
Days until contract expiration: 253
Day 1 of Gina's Phony Morning Meander

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

Sign-offs
  • "What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?  I have trouble choosing a wine in the morning." - George Carlin
  • "I'm looking over your shoulder, but only because I've got your back."

Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? (paraphrased)
Gina:  This is starting well. 
Bill:  There's no headphones.  There's nothing in my headphones.  I won't do it.  I'll go home.
B:  You can't find the music bed?
G:  Kerry showed me where it was, but then I forgot. 
B:  Can't you search the whole database?
G:  No.
B:  We don't need the music bed anyway.  It's a crutch.
G:  How about this?
B:  No.  It's too loud.  And there's a distracting trumpet.
B:  Is the delay on?
G:  No.  Hold on.  Hold on.  I can do it.
B:  Is Tom Martinez listening?  Tom, if your listening, call right now!
G:  I can do it!
B:  I told Tom not to come in because it would save the company some money and would be funnier.
G:  Usually when I run the board, Richie is here to help.  I can do it, I just need someone looking over my shoulder and telling me how to do it.

Boners (brought to you by chicken wacos for Waco Wednesday)
1. "Move it!  I Got Bread to Deliver!":  Utah Highway Patrol officers pulled over a Hostess bread truck driver for tailgating another driver, obscenely gesturing at the other driver, and threatening the other driver with a pistol.  The pistol ended up being a BB gun, but the driver was arrested on various traffic and weapons charges.

2. "This is the Way We All Live in America":  A Pennsylvania woman was charged with criminal negligence after she placed foreign exchange students in substandard housing.  The children were placed in homes with shortages of food, homes littered with animal feces, and in the homes of ex-convicts.

3. "We Were Afraid We Would Catch Something":  During an emergency meeting of the Fort Myers Beach town council, city manager Scott Janke was fired without cause.  The cause?  The town council had become aware that Mr. Janke's wife was an adult film star.

The PA woman is Boner of the Day.

Weekend Plans
This weekend, Bill is taking the family up to cherish the cabin.  There was also some discussion that they may spread Bill's brother's ashes at the cabin, as Nole had always cherished the cabin.  Bill was concerned that perhaps his sister and other family members may not be able to attend and would be upset that Bill scattered his share of the ashes first.  Gina suggested that Bill and his family use a FaceBook application to accomplish the task together; "Bill Allred has scattered ashes at you!  Click here to scatter ashed back."

Festus, on the other hand, will be blowing things up with The Pirate.  The Pirate is sailing up to Evingston to purchase illegal fireworks.  The fireworks in Utah suck and, "Every kid should have a chance to blow something up!"  Gina is hoping that The Pirate is caught by the privateers of the UHP and made to walk the plank.

Ask a Paparazzo
Celebrities are not people; they're corporations.  Lindsay Lohan needs a bailout.  Most photographers are freelance.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" chose today's Boner is Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"I kept it goin'!"


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radiofromhell
17 July 2009 @ 06:53 pm
RFH - 2009-07-17  
Episode #5215
Days until contract expiration: 258
Day 13 of Gina's Morning Meander

Unforgettable Quote
"Davis is the gay clown inside of me." - Kerry Jackson

Boners (brought to you by a salad that Gina wouldn't eat)
1. "You're All Going To Hell":  (See the BYU Daily Universe link and text entry below).

2. "Sorry!  Sorry!":  A robbery suspect allegedly returned to the scene of the crime in order to apologize to his victim.  Margie Donald awoke to a loud noise in her home.  When she investigated, she came face to face with young male wearing a mask.  Ms. Donald picked up a stick and hit the thief, who then pushed down the 83-year-old woman, grabbed a wallet belonging to the woman's husband, and fled.  A few minutes later, the thief returned, hugged Ms. Donald, and told her to call police before fleeing once again.

3. "This Is Evidence!"  According to a lawsuit, a county attorney in Kansas has violated a 17-year-old girl's privacy by sharing photographs of her sexual assault.  The girl was assaulted at a party by four boys who forced her to remove her clothing.  One of the boy had sex with the girl in the back of a pick-up truck, despite her repeated pleas to stop, while the other boys photographed the attack.  Attorney Frank Campbell refused to prosecute the boys, but offered to show the photographs to parents of the other minors at the party.

Frank Campell is Boner of the Day.

Boner Honorable Mention
Today, Gina is taking Festus to see the new Harry Potter movie.  Festus' sea-faring parent (not Joe) had promised to take him to the midnight opening and parties, but didn't feel like it at the last moment. 

Boner of the Week
David "The Flower Guy" Matson chose "I Was Worried About How She was Sleeping" as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"Stay care."


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radiofromhell
10 July 2009 @ 06:35 pm
RFH - 2009-07-10  
Episode #5210
Days until contract expiration: 265
Day 8 of Gina's Morning Meander

Boners (brought to you by a philly cheese steak)
1. "Just Like Glen Beck, the Whole Thing was a Big Fake":  The organizers of this year's Stadium of Fire retired a massive nylon American flag by burning it in an olympic-style cauldron.  Even Glen Beck was moved to tears by the ceremony.  Later, however, organizers admitted that the ceremony was a fake and that they could not burn a nylon flag of that size because of the toxic fumes it would generate.

2. "Just Take 'Em Out and Dump 'Em":  More than 300 bodies were illegally exhumed from the Burr Oak Cemetery in Chicago in a plot by the cemetery manager and several grave diggers to re-sell existing plots.  In some cases, the grave diggers used sledge hammers to smash down existing caskets so that a new casket would fit on top of it.

3. "Keep Them Kids Out of Our Pool":  When 60 campers from the Creative Steps Day Care Camp showed up at the private swim club with which they had signed a $1,900 contract, all of the other children left the pool.  The problem?  All of the campers were black.  One of the campers heard a parent say, "What are these black kids doing?"  The club suspended the camp's contract and refunded their money.  The camp intends to file a lawsuit.

The racist swim club is Boner of the Day

Unforgettable Quote
"I certainly know how to suck it." - Bill Allred

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Lawnmower Man" Matson chose today's Boner as Boner of the Week.  You can also read KSL's article on Dave here.

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radiofromhell
26 June 2009 @ 12:59 pm
RFH - 2009-06-26  
Episode #5205
Days until contract expiration: 279
Day 3 of Gina's Morning Meander

Opening Song
"People Who Died" - The Jim Carroll Band

Sign-off
"Life's not full of miracles; merely accidents."

Boners (brought to you by food from the Chinese)
1. "My Baby is Hungry":  Jerri Gray of South Carolina has been charged with child neglect after her son, Alexander Draper, reached the dangerous weight of 555 lbs. at only age 14.  Alexander is now in custody of social services awaiting medical attention.

2. "Wake up!  Wake UP!":  A Kansas City woman stabbed her boyfriend in the shoulder in order to wake him from a sleep-walking episode.  The man came home intoxicated and the couple went to sleep.  She awoke to find her boyfriend urinating in the closet.  When she tried to wake him via traditional methods, she ignored her and pushed her out of the way.  The woman claimed that she then became frightened that he would hit her, so she stabbed him.

3. "I Can Drink Like a Fish": In order to regain custody of her children, an Arkansas mother prepared for a psychiatric evaluation by drinking 13 beers.  When asked, the woman replied that she was not drunk as, "I can drink like a fish."  She failed to recover custody of her children.

The neglectful mother of the hungry boy is Boner of the Day.


One of a Kind.  An Original.  They Will Be Missed.
Michael Jackson.  Michael Jackson is made of legos.  Michael Jackson made good music.  Michael Jackson made bad music.  Elvis made good music.  Elvis ruined himself.  Michael Jackson ruined himself.  Michael Jackson committed suicide.  Michael Jackson did not commit suicide.  Farrah had hair.  Farrah had nipples.  Farrah was on Charlie's Angels for only one season.  Sky who?  Sky Saxon?  He pushed too hard.  Michael Jackson could have died after the 'Bad' album.  Don't forget about Ed McMahon.  Farrah had some very nice nipples.  Michael Jackson sexually molested me.  Michael Jackson had three children.  What will happen to Michael Jackson's children?  Ass cancer.  Where were you when you heard that Michael Jackson had died?

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Best Utahn" Matson chose "You With the Gimpy Arm. You Work In The Back" as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"Get outta the way."


Radio From Hell is on vacation until July 6th.
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radiofromhell
19 June 2009 @ 12:45 pm
RFH - 2009-06-19  
Episode #5200
Days until contract expiration: 286

Opening Song
"Free Time" - The Aggrolites

Sign-offs
"Who are you kidding?  Most eunuchs have more balls than you."

Dinner with La Barberi
Last night, at Snowbird, Richie T. was invited to dine with Gina Barberi.  Richie assumed that this would be special time between he and Gina.  Not so.  When he arrived, Gina was sitting at a table by herself.  She had already ordered chicken fingers and a quesadilla - for the children.  Joe, Jonesie, and Li'l Mohamed arrived shortly thereafter.  Unfortunately the two little millstones around Gina's neck really dampened any chance that Richie had to talk with Gina.  She continuously had to get up and take the kids for a walk so they wouldn't get too restless at the table.  Instead, Richie spent a lot of time talking with Joe and came to the conclusion that Joe is really smart.  Kerry pointed out that he couldn't be that smart; he married Gina.

Boners
1. "My Bologna Has A First Name, It's 'Punch You In The Mouth.'"  An Ohio man reported that a thief had stolen his bologna and cheese sandwich after punching the man in the mouth.  The man was sitting on a bus station and dressing his sandwich with mayonnaise.  The thief walked up to him, punched him in the face, and walked off with the sandwich.

2. "I'm in a McHuggin' Hurry":  A Denver police officer has been suspended after brandishing his service pistol at employees of a McDonald's when his order took too long to fill.  When the order was eventually filled, the officer and his companion drove off with out paying.

3. "What Can I Tell You?  The Baby Was Drivin'":  Investigating a hit-and-run accident, police questioned the owner of the offending car who told them that his son usually drove the car, but was not home.  The owner promised to have the son contact them when he returned home.  Police also questioned a neighbor who told police that the owner of the car did have a son; and infant son.

The McCop is Boner of the Day.

Important Differences
Gina had to stop eating her Snowbird pancakes mid bite.  She discovered, much to her horror, that they were banana pancakes.  "Bleh."  Mrs. Bill doesn't like bananas either, but there is an important difference between Gina and Mrs. Bill.  First of all, Bill has sex with Mrs. Bill.  Second, though Mrs. Bill doesn't like bananas, she still eats a wide variety of food, including fruits and vegetables. 

Unforgettable Quote
"I can wait until we get to the bacon station." - Gina

Take Time
Gina can't say no.  She never has any time to herself because she's always taking care of Li'l Mohamed, Jonesie, Festus, Joe, her sisters, and The Sainted Mary Claire.  Mrs. Bill also takes care of a parcel of children, but still manages to take about a mile walk almost every night.  Gina would LOVE to do that, but no way.  There's way too much for Gina to do.  Kerry suggested that perhaps, like everything else, the show should help Gina with her problem.  Gina can get a Bluetooth headset and Richie will have an intern drive her a mile away - each morning, between 6:30am and 7:00.  That way, Gina can enjoy a frequent morning's ambling.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose "No PDAs", the principal denying a diploma for a student that blew a kiss to his family, as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"I gotta get to my facial."


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radiofromhell
12 June 2009 @ 01:01 pm
RFH - 2009-06-12  
Episode #5195
Days until contract expiration: 293

Birth of a Geek
Gina was glad that Leonard Nimoy was picked to cameo in the new Star Trek and not William Shatner.  Nimoy is old, and has dentures, but he still looks like a smarty-pants Vulcan.  Shatner is bloated and old and pink and doesn't look anything like the former womanizing Captain Kirk.  Kerry has seen the new Star Trek four times, but that really isn't a lot.  When Star Wars came to the theater in Payson, he paid his dollar every night for the four weeks the movie ran.  He had been reading about Star Wars in his Starlog Magazine before it came out, but wasn't really that excited about it; he was a Star Trek fan.  But when his brother and his future wife came home from the movie and announced, "You've got to see this movie!" it was the beginning of the end.  They went to the movie and Kerry saw that gian Star Destroyer pass over him and exclaimed to himself, "This is what it is!  This is what it's supposed to be!  It's not guys in rubber costumes!  It can be good!!"

Boners
1. "Don't Mess With the Union.  They'll Eat You Up":  After being accused of killing a drug dealer, dismembering the body, and cooking the remains, a toll road employee in Boston was suspended without leave pending the outcome of the case.  The Teamsters Union to which the accused belongs is claiming that the suspension is unjust.

2. "That Dog's a Killer":  A Virginia police officer claimed that he only had seconds to react when a dog charged him in an aggressive manner.  Danville Officer Murrill McLean drew his weapon and shot the 11-year-old miniature dachshund, killing the canine ironically named "Killer."  A miniature dachshund is typically less than 14" tall and weigh less than 11 lbs.  Police officials are standing behind the officer's decision to use deadly force.

3. "What Would You Do If You Spilled Beer All Over Your Pants":  An intoxicated woman driving home at 8:30am, talking on her cellular phone, with her wet pants hanging outside of her pickup track, surprisingly crashed her vehicle into a ditch.  She was taken to a hospital for minor injuries and later arrested for DUI.

The pantless drunk-driving woman is Boner of the Day.


The Painful Circle
Don't get married right off your mission.  Use a condom, unless it's pre-marital sex.  Pre-marital sex leads to divorce.  Make your husband take your son out to the woodshed whilst you put glass shards in the hallway to prevent him from getting to his girlfriend who sleeps on the couch.  You'll be successfully life-coached within 10 years.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose the text messaging burglars of Thursday as Boners of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"Grease is the word."
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