RFH - 2009-08-20


Episode #5238
Days until contract expiration: 224
Day 2 of Gina's most latest walking streak.

Opening Song
"Stop The World" - Riddlin' Kids (http://tinyurl.com/ln8sy2)

Sign-offs

• "I put two and two together and decided you're pissing me off."
• "If you don't know what an Indian burn is, come here and I'll show you."

I Can See Your Dirty Pillows
When Gina first returned from the boob store, she was told not to go bra shopping for a while.  Apparently new boobs need some time to settle in.  Of course, Gina, who had never enjoyed bra shopping, went right out to The Bra Barn (next door to Panties by The Pound) for a new bra.  When the attendent asked her size, Gina replied, "I'm a C."  The clerk just laughed at her.  She was not a C.  Gina was confused; that was the size she had asked for at the boobie store!?

Today Gina is just wearing a bralet - a single piece "shelf" for her chesticles.  Gina doesn't have any cute bras.  She has some old, boring bras as well as a few maternity and nursing bras that she still wears.  Apparently Joe has some affection for the nursing bra's generous openings.

Besides Joe, Li'l Mohamed is also trying to figure out Gina's boobs.  The other day Gina had the 18-month-old in her room with her as she changed.  When she removed her top, Li'l Mohamed looked quizzically at the protruding mounds of flesh and asked, "Pillow?"

It's Puts The Lotion On its Skin
Sean from New York is flying out to visit Utah and Radio From Hell.  During his trip, he'll be staying in Bill's nearly remodeled attic.  Gina can't imagine why Bill is allowing a complete stranger to stay in his house.  After all, Bill has only chatted with Sean through e-mail and a couple of phone calls.  Even Mrs. Bill wondered about the wisdom of this act; Sean could do all kids of things whilst the family was sleeping!  Gina suggested that they just lock him in the attic.  That way, the family and the booze would be safe.  Sean called in to assure Gina, Bill, and Mrs. Bill that he had no intention of killing The Allred family whilst they slept, and he no longer drinks, so the booze is safe as well.


Boners
1. "I Can Teach You To Drive In All Circumstances":  A driving school instructor in New Mexico was charged with DWI after crashing his car.  Police smelled intoxicants on the driver and conducted a field sobriety test.  The soon-to-be-former instructor was unable to walk a straight line, nor to recite the alphabet. 

2. "Kill The Innocent":  After seven witnesses recanted their testimony against Troy Anthony Davis, who was convicted of murdering a police officer in 1989, The Supreme Court of The United States ordered that Mr. Davis receive a new trial.  In changing their testimony, some of the witnesses implicated the prosecutions star witness as the potential murderer.  Two of the justices dissented in the ruling.  Clarence Thomas joined Antonin Scalia who wrote:


3. "They'd Kill You For a Bag of Soup":  Phil Spector, who shot a woman in the face and killed her, is writing letters from behind bars.  In his letters he details his fear for his safety and the injustice that he is being held in the same prison as Charles Manson and Sirhan Sirhan.  Spector write that he'd prefer to be incarcerated in, "a better prison with people more like myself in it."  Spector decries the "scumbags" and "gangsters" who would, "kill you here for a 39-cent bag of soup."

Phil Spector is Boner of the Day.


Ask a LARPr
Live Action Role Playing, also known as LARP, is a form of role-playing game in which the participants dress up and act out their characters.  The rules very from group to group.  Some play for points, some for minted coins, and some for the opportunity to really smack someone else around with a foam sword.  Some people take the games too seriously, but most are just out to have a good time and play and adult form of Cowboys & Indians.  If you'd like to try and play, just show up at an event.  You can just watch, or you may be able to join as a Non-Player Character (NPC) and fight as a monster or goblin.  See http://www.mythicrealms.com/ or http://www.larputah.com/ for more information.

Jeff Vice
Shorts is Robert Rodriguez' latest attempt at a children's movie.  It sucks.  Terrible plot, acting, and special effects.  1 star.

Post-Grad or, as Jeff would call it, Please Somebody Explain to Me What Alexis Bledel has, Because I Don't Get It.  It has a great cast with no chemistry, and terrible material to work with.  Even that lesbian Jane Lynch can't pull this movie out of the gutter.  1.5 stars.

The Merry Gentleman has a great premise, that never goes anywhere.  A hitman, played by Michael Keaton, befiends the eye-witness to his latest killing.  If anything ever happened it might be a good movie.  It's much, much too dry.  2 stars.

In the Loop has more swearing that Geek Show movie night with Shannon and Jeff.  It's a dark and cynical satire with the premise that the US and Britain are declaring war in the middle east.  James Gandolfini is really good as the pacifist general.  3 stars.

Hump Day features two straight males who decide, as an art project, to create and perform in a gay porn film for a Seattle amateur porn contest.  It's very funny, with a very realistic take on male relationships.  3 stars.

Inglourious Basterds.  The French hated it.  What more do you need to know?  It's a fantasy movie about a crack team of Jewish American soliders who are dropped into Nazi-occupied France and tasked with bringing back 100 Nazi scalps - literally.  Brad Pitt is acting a bit like John Wayne as played by George W. Bush.  Jeff's only complains were the lack of character development for a number of the Basterds, and not enough Nazi killin' until the very end.  If you're pro-Nazi, you'll probably want to avoid this movie.  3 stars from Jeff (plus an extra star from Kerry because the surrender monkeys hated it).

Unforgettable Quote
"Are you a missionary with AIDS?" - Gina Barberi

Gina's Sign-off
"Stay care."

Episode #4898

Sign-offs

• The concerts you enjoy together, Neighbors you annoy together, Children you destroy together, That keep marriage intact.

• Some say love makes the world go round. I say whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.

Always a Winner
Radio From Hell received some excellent news about their ratings yesterday, so Kerry and Bill went home and celebrated with a drink or two. Of course, if the news had been bad, Kerry and Bill would have went home and drowned their sorrows with a drink or two.

Bill celebrated with the Patrón tequila that Intern Matt had bestowed on him. He also enjoyed a "foutty" of Pabst Blue Ribbon. The beer really doesn't have any intoxicating effects - mostly it's flavored water that makes Bill urinate with more frequency.

While shopping for his "foutty", he noticed that Budweiser has introduced a new canned beverage. It's a mix of tomato juice and beer. Bill used to drink something similar made from Bloody Mary mix and beer - a "Bloody Bull Shot." It's not great, but it used to be Bill's hangover cure of choice.

Boners
1. "Client #9": Eliot "Mr. Clean" Spitzer and his whore-mongering.

2. "No Gator's Gonna Scare Me": In November of 2006, Adrian Apgar was saved from an alligator by local police officers. When he was discovered calling for help, Mr. Apgar was nude, in the water, and had a large alligator clamped down on his arm. Mr. Apgar eventually lost the affected limb, but survived the ordeal. Last Friday, officials again found Mr. Apgar naked, and in the wading in an alligator pond. Police finally talked him out of the water before he was attacked.

3. "How Do You Like Your Haircut Now?": A hairdressing client was shot in the back after complaining about the style of her hair. The client was at the home of the stylist, and when she complained, the stylist went to get a gun. She fired a shot into the ceiling, and the client fled the home. The stylist, however, took aim and shot the woman in the back as she fled.

The alligator lover is Boner of the Day.

Unforgettable Quote
"My colostomy bag is gravity fed." - Bill Allred

Lie Detector
If Radio From Hell was part of a big city radio station, they might have been able to bring in an actual polygraph machine. They are, however, just a small station down in Provo, so they had to make due with The Spencer Gifts version. Supposedly you placed your hand on the object, answered a few test questions, and then the "Shocking Liar" would determine if you were lying or telling the truth. If you were lying, the theme from Jaws would play - and you'd receive a small electric shock. According to this flawless piece of crime detection equipment, Bill is not named Bill, does not have blonde hair, is a woman, is Richie's friend, and frequently lies to Kerry and Gina. Kerry is not named Kerry, does not have brown hair, is a woman, loves musical theater, and wants to have many children. Gina, on the other hand, is named Gina, has reddish-brown hair, is a woman, never keeps anything from The Sainted Mary Claire, and doesn't want 'Precious' put to sleep.

Unforgettable Quote #2
"I could barely get it in there." - Gina Barberi

Neglected News
Little Mrs. Bill thinks that Bill is fat. Little Bill thinks that Little Mrs. Bill is right - he is fat. Hayden is smart, and enjoys Cleavland more than any person should. Simon likes to go fast! Fast! Fast! Fast! He loves his Buggity. It's a fast, fast, fast car.