Episode #5048
Days until contract expiration: 525

Out of the Blue
Gina can spot a hairy muff from 20 feet.

Life Is Rough
The Sainted Mary Claire finally finished planning her vacation to Hawaii.  Unfortunately, Salt Lake City now has a direct flight to Maui, so Daddy Gary wouldn't let her fly first class.  Daddy Gary claims that first-class is useless for shorter flights and that they can save money by flying coach.  It's almost not worth going.

The Short "T" to Boston
Richie landed late/early into Boston on his trip to visit Booster.  As Booster doesn't have a car, Richie had to take the "T" out to where Booster lives.  The "T" is not a train.  It's a mass transit system that rides on rails, but it's not a train.  Richie got off at the "T"-station (not train-station) that Booster had told him.  He called Booster from the station and she asked if he could see a football field.  He could not.  She assumed that he had obviously gotten off at the wrong stop.  It was late, and they were both a little stressed and short with each other, so Richie told her that he was going across the street to a doughnut shop for a doughnut.  As he sat down to enjoy his confection, Richie noticed a football field on the other side of the train station.  They finally met up and immediately felt each other up...according to Booster.  Richie would not comment on the over-shirt or under-shirt question.


Boners (brought to you by a horrible stove top stuffing which Bill did not eat out of the pan whilst sitting in the bathroom.  The bunnies have taken over the bathroom)
1. "John Murtha Knows Racists":  Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) commented that the voters of western Pennsylvania may be racist.  He said, "There is no question that western Pennsylvania is a racist area."  He went on to comment that older voters would be hesitant to vote for an African-American president.

2. "John McCain Isn't Sure Who Is Racist":  Commenting on Rep. Murtha's comments, Senator John McCain flubbed a line or two in his political speech saying, "Sen. Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately. And you know I couldn't agree with them more. I couldn't disagree with you. I couldn't agree with you more than the fact that Western Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most god-loving, most patriotic part of America. This is a great part of the country. My friends, I could not disagree with those critics more."

3. "Sarah Palin is Not Smarter Than a Third-Grader":  During an interview in Denver, CO, Gov. Sarah Palin was presented with a question from third-grader Brandon Garcia, who wanted Gov. Palin to detail the duties of The Vice President.  Gov. Palin answered, "That's a great question, Brandon, and a vice president has a really great job, because not only are they there to support the president's agenda, they're like the team member, the team mate to that president, but also, they're in charge of the United States Senate, so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family and his classroom. And it's a great job and I look forward to having that job."  The Vice-President has no duties with regards to the senate and may only vote in the case of a tie.

Gov. Palin is Boner of the Day.

Privacy
Although Bill tries to provide his family some anonymity, sometimes he just isn't thinking about it.  He's let slip Mrs. Bill's name and Little Bill's name a few times over the years.  Hell, his cat's names are even in the biography that Bill provided to KUER.  This whole conversation is not pleasing to Kerry and especially Sue.  The Geekshow Podcast has been using Kerry's basement as a studio, but too many strangers are coming along with the panelists for Sue's taste.  Chatroom regular "Sweaty Shut-in" assures Kerry, Bill, and Gina that he just wants to express his love, and the only way he can do that is with leg humping.  Unfortuantely, Mr. Shut-in never really leaves the house.

Things That Must Go
Gina

• The fact that it's seemingly OK that people would not vote for Barack Obama if he were a Muslim.  People who aren't Christian can't be president? (see the comments from Colin Powell.

Bill

• "What not."
• "...to where..."
• People who pronounce "Palin" or "bagel" with a short 'a' sound.
• "Ecxpecially."

Kerry

• Having to find something to do for 15 minutes after turning in a new perscription.
• People who are upset that Terrance Howard will be replaced by Don Cheedle in Iron Man 2.
• People who are upset that the new Spock looks like Sylar.  It's the same actor.  They're going to look similar.

Neglected News
It's Miley!  It's a Felony! Those are nipples!  That girl is a lesbian!

Gina's Sign-off
I'm gonna take a nap in my car.

Episode #5045
Days until contract expiration: 530

Opening Song
"We Hate It when Our Friends Become Successful" - Morrissey

Sign-off

• "How come wrong numbers are never busy?"

Booster Socks
Last night, Richie flew to Boston to visit his girlfriend, Booster.  The flight was somewhat hellish.  The A/C on the plane was broken.  Someone near Richie continuously complaining, "It's so hot!"  Another passenger was shouting praises to The Red Sox.  Then, when Richie gets to Boston, he'll have to put up with Booster's two roommates, one of their male-visitors, and sleeping on a blow-up mattress next to Booster's bed.  On the upside, they will get to go the Cheers bar for a 'Sox game!

Boners (brought to you by chow mein, egg foo young, Szechuan chicken, and potstickers)
1. "Tony Ray?  What You and Kathy Got Cookin'?":  Police have arrested the daughter and grandson of an elderly woman who allegedly cremated the corpse of the older woman in order to continue cashing her Social Security checks.  The daughter also apparently created a necklace from a portion of the woman's skull.

2. "Any Body Want to Mention the 300-lb Gorilla in the Room":  Police, finding it unusual that a man in a gorilla suit was walking the streets and purchasing cigarettes long after midnight, stopped the costumed man only to find that he was wanted and had a warrant for his arrest.  Apparently the man was wearing the suit in an attempt to win a bet with his girlfriend.

3. "It Was Just Food To Me":  A Republican group in California recently distributed a newletter supposing that President Obama's likeness would not end up on currency, but would appear on food stamps instead.  The "joke" included an image of an "Obama Buck" featuring a caricature of Sen. Obama as a donkey along with buckets of KFC chicken, slices of watermelon, and a pitcher of Kool-Aid.

The racist Republican group is Boner of the Day.

Male-Dominance Peeing
The Allred home currently has two foster-rabbits, Blackberry and Blackjack.  Blackjack is somewhat new, and Blackberry doesn't care for the change.  As Blackjack was sitting in it's cage, Blackberry had jumped up on top of the cage.  Mrs. Bill and Bill were discussing the rabbits and Mrs. Bill quipped, "You know what he's doing up there don't you?  He's peeing."  She then gave Bill "a look" and said, "It's one of those maile dominance things!"  It is.  After all, each morning, as Bill drops off his stuff, he stands up on the desk and pees all over Kerry's desk shouting, "Take that!"

Margaret Ruth
Don't be mixed-up inside.  You should use a condom.  Eventually, the urge will always come back.  If you have to ask, it isn't meant to be.  You'll be married within the next ten years.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose You are Creepy as Boner of the Week.

Gina's sign-off
"Bill got his sucker."

Episode #4980

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

Why Bother?
Bill isn't sure why he bothered to come back from vacation.  This morning has already been riddled with problems.  First of all, the building is in the same state of mess and disrepair as it always is.  Second, Bill's computer was off all week and hadn't received any of it's security updates - so it's doing all of them this morning.  Third, and most infuriating, the promotion for X96's premier of The Dark Knight mentions everything about the even except, of course, the date and time. 

Con te partirò
Richie is currently in Chicago taking an acting class.  In addition to this obvious attempt to leave the Radio From Hell show, Richie's girlfriend, Booster, was recently accepted into graduate school back east.  Though he hasn't said so, Richie will probably be going with Booster.  Time to start looking for a new producer.

Boners
1. "There's a Rat in the Kitchen [Restaurant], Whatcha Gonna Do?":  A Wisconsin woman was charged with extortion after a police investigation suggested that she brought a rat into a restaurant, claimed it was served with her meal, and offered to keep quiet for $500,000. 

2. "Fox News: Fair and Balanced.  You Decide":  The Fox News morning show, Fox and Friends, recently altered the photographs of two New York Times staff members and displayed the images on the air.  The images were digitally manipulated to make the subjects look "ghoulish."  The two staff members had recently dared question Fox News' ratings.  Declining to respond to the blatant attack, New York Times culture editor Sam Sifton said, "It is fighting with a pig, everyone gets dirty and the pig likes it".

3. "Hey Copper!  Have a Cookie!":  Eighteen-year-old Christian Phillips claimed he was doing community service for M.A.D.D (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) when he delivered cookies to several local police stations.  The cookies, however, were laced with drugs.  Officers at one police station thought he smelled marijuana on the cookies, performed preliminary field tests, and found LSD instead.  Mr Phillips was arrested. 

The cookie-making druggie is Boner of the Day.

Lenny Bruce is Not Afraid
Gina is looking forward to the concealed weapons class.  She has an irrational fear of firearms and wants to overcome it.  Joe has scared Gina with all of his "end of the world" and "collapse of civilization" magazines and articles.  She may need to handle a gun someday.  Kerry suggests that she simply learn how to effectively put a bullet in her own head; there is no way she is eating any of the survival food or using the compostable toilet.

Bill Frost
Saving Grace blows.  The Closer has Mrs. Bacon walking around in her panties whilst snacking.  The Cleaner depicts Benjamin Bratt as an addict helping others shave off their drug-stubble.  Project Runway is the only reality TV show that is actually productive.  Two minute webisodes of The Office are on NBC's website.  Reality Bites Back is Michael Ian Black doing a moderately funny parody of reality TV.  For your grandmother, Monk is back.  Looking for more racists and swearing?  Try Generation Kill.  It's akin to The Wire, but set in Iraq.   Some obese and semi-famous former member of a boy band is hosting a competition for something to do with a musical calamity set within the secondary education system.

Gina's Ass Muscle
Gina's ass is in pain.  The reason?  Joe.  For her anniversary in February, Joe gave her a bicycle.  It's not been ridden until yesterday.  Joe proclaimed that they were all going on a family bike-ride.  They put the bikes on the Land Rover and increased their carbon ass-print by driving to Park City.  Bill wondered why they just hadn't driven to The Jordan River Parkway, but then remembered that the Parkway is frequented by poor people on their way to The Gateway Water Feature.  When they arrived at their bike-riding destination, Gina tried to get on her bike - but the seat was too tall!  Joe had to patiently inform Gina that she can't sit on the seat and start riding.

After a leisurely four-mile ride, Gina's ass was sore.  Bill postulated that it might have been the fact that the bicycle seat spent most of the four-miles on the inside of Gina's body. 

Gina's Sign-off
"You plug your Prius into the windmill farm."

What?
Gina is at Rio Lobo this morning for a potty-training boot camp for Jonesie. The Sainted Mary Claire has a full proof method. For reference, Bill and Kerry had some potty training books on hand, including the classic, Everybody Poops. The cover of Everybody Poops is covered with images different images. Bill could figure out all of them but one and wanted Gina to explain the confounding image. The penguin was obvious, because penguins poop. The backside of a cougar, because cougars poop. A fish, because fish poop. But, Gina, why would the book contain the image of an ice-cream sundae with a cherry on top?

Baboons?

Baboons!? Baboons!!? BABOONS!? What the hell does a baboon have to do with an drawing of an ice-cream sundae!!? Gina doesn't know. She couldn't picture what Bill meant by “an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top.” It's a complicated image. Fortunately Bill has a healthy heart.

It'll Be Fun
Richie is planning to ask Booster to marry him. Of course, Richie wants to do some grand plan involving Kerry, Bill, Gina, a stage, and some masks. Booster doesn't want that in the slightest. Booster is kind of shy and would like to keep “the question” and the wedding small and manageable. This goes against eveything that Richie is. Richie wants a show; and event! Richie wants to invite every single person he has ever met!

Kerry, Bill, and Gina believe that Richie is under the misguided assumption that an engagement and a wedding have anything at all to do with the prospective groom. A wedding is about The Bride and whatever The Bride wants, The Bride should get.

Boners (brought to you by chili-lime roast chicken)
1. “Garbage In. Garbage Out” or “Wha' Happen!?”: A Muncie, Indiana man woke up in a garbage truck after a night of heavy drinking with some friends. William Bowen was dumped out of a commercial trash container into a garbage truck and nearly crushed to death by the compactor. Fortunately the driver heard Mr. Bowen screaming, and stopped the truck.

2. “Honey? Do You Remember Where I Stashed The Weed?”: Police officers arrested the mother and uncle of a 4-year-old boy who was found to have a bag of marijuana in his jeans at his day-care center. Day-care workers phoned the police upon finding the drugs.

3. “Hand 'em Over, Gimp”: After dislocating her knee, 13-year-old Amber Elalem's injury was made worse after a school nurse took away Amber's crutches. The nurse cited a school policy that forbid crutches without a doctor's note. The girl's mother is planning to sue the school.

The crutch-stealing school and school nurse are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
Snoop Dogg will be on VH1's Storytellers. Finally! The world will know the story begin “Gin and Juice.” Gordon Ramsey is back to yell at people. Criminal Minds has a welcome Joe Mantegna fix – but you'll have to go to Weber State for a Mandy Patinkin injection. Numb3rs is back for your grandmother. Battlestar Galactica mumbles on about monotheism. A Dose of 'Love' with Tila Tequila will bring syphilis right into your living room. The Office and 30 Rock return next week.

The Unsexiest Men that Gina Finds Sexy
Zach Effron needs to stay out of mommy's makeup. Keith Urban is a metro-sexual cow-poke who too closely resembles Ellen. Magic Dracula creates a mind explosion with his tranny-esque appearance. Chris Daughtry looks a lot like Bat-boy. Mitt Romney can't be sexy because of his fire and bullet proof magic underwear. Brett Michaels has no neck and a posion penis. Quagmire needs to stop with the date-rape jokes. Chuck Norris needs to dye his graying pubes.

Gina's Sign-off
“Everybody poops.”

 

Sign-offs

• Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and diet coke.
• Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.

Healing and Sharing
Kerry went to the doctor yesterday. Sinus infection. The doctor told him that he should not do any talking. Kerry found that somewhat inconvenient as his job involves, um, talking. The doctor relented and told Kerry that he just shouldn't do any talking after the show if he wanted to keep his voice at all. Alright, but Kerry's therapy session is going to be kind of quiet. Kerry supposed that he could just show his therapist his diary. Kerry's diary doesn't really contain a daily briefing of events, but has become more of a "Here's what sue and I fought about.” Bill has completely stopped keeping any kind of diary. He was afraid it would fall into the hands of the authorities.

Things That Must Go
Bill

• High-schools that don't have the word "view" in their name.

• People who work in buildings named after a person, but don't know who that person was. Ex. The Matheson Courthouse, The Rose Wagner Theater, or The Frank E. Moss Building.

• People who live in a city named after a person, but don't know who that person was.

• Cities that don't end in -burg, -ville, or -ton. It should be Ogdenton, Murrayville, Salemsburg, Slat Lake Cityville.

• Any place named after a Native American tribe or individual that doesn't give the ancestors a piece of the action.

• Schools or other organizations that add -ette to a name to make it feminine. Lakettes, Falconettes, Warriorettes, Badgerettes.

Gina

• Getting up in the middle of the night, being half-asleep or mostly-asleep, sitting down, and forgetting if you've gone or not.

• Channel 2 doing a story about a horrible incident in a “safe neighborhood”, then showing a woman, Jane Smith, coming out of her house and telling all of the viewers that she walks her dog at 6:00am and never locks her door.

• Xmas music on the radio already.

• People who want to hear Xmas music in early November.

Kerry

• People already wearing Xmas novelty hats.

• Poor band-aid technology for fingertips.

• People asking why you are wearing a band-aid.

• People who have a different ratings system for independent films, Mormon films, kids films, and buffets.

• Having to figure out a cartoon mascot.

• A car wearing a “Well-behaved women seldom make history” bumper sticker and parking in two spaces. Is this where the revolution begins?

• Pirates.

A Step Above
Currently, Bill's roof has been destroyed. He's having the walk-up attic finished, and having a large dormer added. He walked up there yesterday and was able to survey the entire neighborhood. Bill is anxious for the machine gun to show up.

Bill is so used to having sub-contractors in his house, he doesn't even bother to ask any of the strangers what they are doing anymore. He just gives them a proper, “How ya' doin?” and walks on. Bill figures it will be another month before they've finished, and another three months before he defaults on the loan.

Manly Men
Kerry recently made the most manly purchase imaginable. Last year, after he moved, he purchased a tiny little snowblower that really only pushed the show around. After Sue watched him slide around and nearly put his foot under the snowblower, she took matters into her own hands. She researched and found a capable snowblower for the low, low price of $2,500. It's a giant machine with take treads that can shoot the snow over 40-50 feet. Next year, Kerry might even get the nerve to finally purchase a leaf-blower or a shop-vac.

Boners (brought to you by taco tuesday)
1. "I Was Just Being Silly": After downing a bottle of whiskey, Deborah Thompson tried to wave down a Union Pacific freight train. Ms. Thompson was, instead, struck by the train and thrown 20-30 yards, injuring her thigh bone, and her head. Ms. Thompson defended her actions by claiming that she was, “being silly.”
(View Story)

2. "Lemme In Honey!  Meow, Meow!": A bizarre accident was reported to Florida authorities after a woman reported finding her boyfriend stuck in her cat-door. The woman had allegedly kicked her boyfriend out of her St. Augustine house, only to find him later. The woman phoned police, but when they arrived a scant 4 minutes later, the boyfriend was already dead.
(View Story)

3. "Now Class, For Today's Skinning Demonstration...Hey Wait!  That Sonofabitch is Still Alive!": High-school teacher, Jerick Hutchinson, in Huntsville, Ark. has been reprimanded after using a nail-gun to kill a live raccoon before demonstrating how to skin and examine the creature. When asking for a specimen for a planned skinning lesson, a student volunteered a raccoon from his parents. Mr. Hutchinson was surprised when the animal was brought into class in a live trap, but he took it outside and used a nail-gun to dispatch the creature. Mr. Hutchinson reportedly used to work in a slaughterhouse. The superintendent has made clear that animals are not to be killed on school premises. They will continue, however, to be skinned in front of students.

The cat-door driven man is Boner of the Day.

Turdition
This weekend is The Sainted Mary-Claire's annual Xmas shopping trip. Gina considered not going as she is currently very gestational, but that was not acceptable to Mary-Claire. Gina has to go on the trip, and participate in “the program”, but she will not be allowed to go shopping. Gina will stay in the hotel room whilst the other relatives enjoy the trip. Gina is pretty sure the only way she can get out of the shopping weekend is to actually give birth.

Cheerwars Episode I
Bill made an off-handed comment that he considered cheerleaders, in general, to be superior in looks to their drill team collegues. Gina whole-heartedly disagreed with all of the might of her powerful thigh-slap. Kerry sort-of agreed with Bill, but he really enjoyed dating a member of the drill team. She was voluptuous in all the right places. He had to agree, however, that cheerleaders were usually the more hot, popular students. Many, many, many friends of the program seemed to disagree and quoted such movies as Bring It On, a thoughtful and informative piece of cinema history. One F.O.P wrote in to describe how the drill team really worked hard – from 5:00am to 9:00am, six days a week. The cheerleaders occasionally bother to stumble into the school at 7:00am all hung-over and full of love.

Makeshift Reality
Richie is considering charging Booster rent. Not because she sleeps over, in his bed, with Richie, not engaging in coitus, but because Richie loses so much sleep when she does stay over, in his bed, with Richie, not engaging in coitus. Should Richie ever marry Booster, which he has not yet, which is why they are not engaged in coitus, Richie and Booster will probably have seperate rooms. Richie will be able to visit Booster's room for coitus, which they are not engaged in now, because they are not married, but will then retire to his own room. Richie needs what little sleep he can get and sleeping in the same bed with Booster, with whom he is not engaged in coitus, is somewhat unrestful.

Celeb-u-tard News
Matt Damon is sexy. Owen Wilson is dating some one-named Target model. Julia's husband, Danny Motors, ironically sells used cars.

Neglected News
Last night, Bill offered to get Mrs. Bill a glass of wine. She declined claiming that it would make her sleepy. She then derided Bill for not letting any alcohol really phase him. That's right, but only because Bill has been drinking longer than Mrs. Bill has been alive.

Check Your Sign
Bill was driving by the KFC and was somewhat perplexed by their three-line sign:

10 pc Corn
Dog Nugget
Combo