Still Looking For a Woman!
Sysma, Radio From Hell's favorite alternative Italian rock-band with a 'S' in their name, wrote Gina another letter. Still trying to break into the American music market, Sysma has hired a new singer who apparently speaks English very fluently. It has ruined the band's sound. Kerry insists that she is just eye candy and that they should drop her immediately and continue looking for a more different woman. Gina was also disappointed that the new letter was not signed, "Stay care."

Boners (brought to you by a taco)
1. "This Coincidence Was No One's Fault, So You're Suspended": An electronic billboard in Alabama featured an advertisement for a local news program. The billboard featured the two anchors and the weatherman. The billboard also incorporated a live feed from the news station's Twitter account. Unfortunately someone posted, "Three accused of gang-rape in Monoreville," to the Twitter feed, which was picked up by the billboard. Passersby were able to snap photographs of the billboard, which seemed to some to indicate that the people on the billboard were so accused. Admitting that it was just a misunderstanding and coincidence, the station rationally suspended two employees for a week without pay.

2. "Y Fans. U Fans. You're All the Same." Pictures in today's Salt Lake Tribune and Deseret News show a BYU fan at the Saturday Game seeming to attack and grab the wife, as well as scare the daughter of University of Utah coach, Kyle Whittingham.

3. "I'm Calling For a Ban on Swiss Army Watches" The Government of Switzerland has unexpectedly banned the inclusion of minarets on Swiss buildings. Minarets are a piece of architecture typically found on Islamic mosques. The move is widely seen as an attempt by the far-right members of the Swiss government to crack down on the so-called "Islamisation" of Europe.

Fanatical football fans are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
Scrubs returns, without the stars. It's still mostly Scrubs. The liquor cabinet has been filled and the kitchen loaded with cast-iron pans for the return of The Bad Girls Club. Sons of Anarchy finales. It's a trashy show, but enjoyable. Henry Rollins will stare someone down. Steven Seagal is a Lawman, for reals. TruTV will show The Governator Jr., Jesse Ventura, in a new show called Conspiracy Theory which will get to the bottom of weather control, thermite paint (Author's note: Which is not explosive, but sounds impressive), and a host of other bat-sock. Jersey Shore shows the guidos and guidettes of New Jersey. If they don't like the stereotypes, they should change. Dollhouse starts to burn off their final episodes, two at a time. Monk is finally over. The Syphie channel has a new mini-series based on Alice in Wonderland. Watch Kathy Bates and Mr. O'Brien overact.

Best Question of the Week
"What TV show would you want to be trapped in for a month?" Kerry? Star Trek: The Original Series? No. Deep Space Nine of course! They have a bar, and holosuites, and Kerry can spend the month trying to get his quarters into Dax! Bill would like to be in Mad Men. He could take up smoking again and drink all day. Gina wouldn't mind being in Mad Men as long as that good looking Don Draper promised to cheat on his wife with her. Richie would really like to be on Glee, or maybe MASH, or, or, or.....better...After MASH.

8 Million Rules for Being a Gina
Gina lives her life by studies - as long as the studies back up her own preconceived notions of how the world should work. Gina has all kinds of weird rules. She won't eat anything home-cooked because there was an incident. She has a policy and she never breaks it, unless there is s'more pie - but fortunately Kerry and Bill were there to stop her. Gina doesn't care for carrot cake because it has vegetables in it. Dessert should never be made with vegetables, and rarely with fruit. Gina likes a chocolate cake, and even a white cake, as long as nobody put any of that damned raspberry jam inside of it. Jam is not for dessert; it's for toast. OH! OH! Do you know what Gina tried? Joe brought home some "Lemon Curd" and made Gina try it. He was pretty sure she wouldn't like it because it had "curd" in the name, but Gina really liked it! It was really good! Gina just thinks that they should change the name to "Lemon Spread", which was Bill's favorite vaudeville dancer. Nancy Grace apologizes for "the incident", but he really though they would enjoy the LSD and razor blade laced popcorn ball.

Gina's Sign-off
"Big fan of regulation."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.


Episode #5308
Days until contract expiration: 121
Edition 1076 of Atropos' blog.
Day 63 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 344 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Episode #5294
Days until contract expiration: 143
Edition 1067 of Atropos' blog.
Day 41 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 1 shopping day left until Gina's Birthday!!!!!!

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

Sign-offs

• "Sometimes I just wanna put on a bunny suit and scream."
• "Be quiet brain, or I'll stab you with a q-tip."

You're Talking to a Pretty Stupid Man
Just before the show went on, Richie asked Bill if he would want to be an assistant coach for a youth athletic sport along with Richie....  The silence of Bill's answer was deafening.  Richie was just thinking that Bill could do all the yelling and that one of those little turds would be sweet and melt Bill's cold dead heart. 

....And He's Large
Bill has an oversized package.  He has posted notice in his cubicle.

Ginger Brad Pitt
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blahBidetblahblahblahblahblahblahGingerBradPittblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahHappyBirthdayblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahMormonBoysblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahGotSomeActionblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahLostHisKeysblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahCouldn'tFindThemblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah


Boners (brought to you by a lousy hamburger)
1. "Who Needs the H1N1 Shot?":  Kellogg's is being sued for advertising "Now Helps Support Your Child's IMMUNITY" on every box of Cocoa Krispies, which is 40% sugar by weight.  The lawsuit claims that the intention is to mislead the public into believing that the cereal can prevent diseases, such as the H1N1 flu.

2. "Cowabunga!":  An insurance salesman visiting Puerto Rico fell to his death as his "surfed" on the hood of a moving car.  Jorge Geysel fell off of the vehicle, snapped his neck, and was instantly dead.

3. "Battlin' Beauty Babes":  British newspapers report that two beauty queens were involved in a pub fight that resulted in Rachael Cristie losing her Miss England crown and title.  The altercation allegedly began when Miss Manchester, Sara Beverley Jones, received a racy text message from Ms. Christie's boyfriend and showed it to Cristie.  Witnesses say that Cristie punched Jones several times in the face during an "adult" themed costume night.

The battlin' beauty babes are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
Dennis Franz gave up on Trauma.  It's been canceled.  Dennis Franz will now be watching Southland on TNT.  The Parent's Television Council is up in arms about the threeway sex scene on Gossip Girl featuring Dennis Franz.  Dennis Franz once played Buntz, but that's another show.  Ghost Hunters Academy will teach people who not to spot the ghost of Dennis Farina, who is often mistaken for Dennis Franz.  Secret Girlfriend is a terrible show, but it does feature hot girls without the benefit of Dennis Franz and his spotted, naked ass.  January Jones will be co-hosting Saturday Night Live with Dennis Franz.  Surprisingly, Ogden actually has two clubs in which you can hear the music of Dennis Franz and Spork; Brewskies and Kamikaze's.  The Prisoner is a new mini-series staring Ian McKellan, Jesus Cavizel, and Dennis Franz.  Super Dave Osbourne lost his beautiful speaking voice after seeing a very special episode of NYPD Blue starring Dennis Franz.

(Author's note: How'd I do Mr. Frost?)

Tricksie
Joe tricked Gina into eating something.  No, not cheese.  Joe has given up on trying to change Gina's hatred of the curd.  No, he tricked her into eating cauliflower.  He told her that he was making garlic mashed potatoes, which Gina loves, but then encouraged her to take the kids for a walk.  When Gina and the children returned, her plate was set with chicken, buttery leeks and the "mashed potatoes."  Joe, however, didn't count on Gina's cunning sense of taste! She took one bite and said, "Those aren't mashed potatoes!"  Hopefully, Joe has learned his lesson.

Your Innuendo is Priceless
This past weekend, Kerry though it would be funny to buy some Twinkies and Sno Balls for the Geekshow panel, as an homage to Zombieland.  Kerry could not, however, find any Sno Balls.  Nobody is selling them.  Bill wondered if maybe Little Debbie had a knockoff version?  Maybe "Little Debbie's Snow Mounds?"  "Little Debbie's Coconut Bumps?"  "Little Debbie's Itty Bitty Coconut Committee?"

Gina's Sign-off
"Those aren't mashed potatoes!"

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5289
Days until contract expiration: 150
Edition 1062 of Atropos' blog.
Day 34 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 8 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-offs

• "That's it! The deal is off! I don't care if you are rich, I don't have to take this crap from a gimp!"
• "I got on my Boyfriend-Meetin'-Toupee!  What more do you want?"

I'm So Grateful For That.  'Preciate Ya.
Last Friday, F.O.P Lisa called in and read Gina the riot act.  Gina decided not to just rush home to Jonesie and Li'l Mohamed, who were feeling under the weather.  Later, Lisa felt bad and called to apologize.  Just after Lisa hung up the phone Gina said, "Kids are number one!"  Bill was curious as to how Amanda Dickson from KSL managed to get into the studio.  Kerry felt like Grant Neilson; "Well, I'll be darned."

Quick Costuming
Bill didn't really plan out his Halloween costume.  He just threw on a hoodie from The Cotton Bottom bar and became A Guy Who Goes to The Cotton Bottom.  Kerry didn't really plan his either.  He ended up going as Hunter S. Thompson.  He even wrote "HST" on his party cup.  The last time that Bill actually planned for a costume, The Mark Hoffman bombings and scandal was prominent in the news.  Bill went as "The White Salamander."

The people in Federal Heights ruined Halloween for Bill and his family.  Usually they go up to a party at Unka Todd's place then go trick-or-treating.  This year, however, Federal Heights was busy cheering for the Runnin' Utes.  No full-size candy bars.  No bratwurts and chili.  It was terrible.  Bill wants more notice next time Halloween falls on a Saturday.

Boners (brought to you by terrible Japanese food)
1. "We Do Not Censor Books!":  Scholastic books claims that they do not censor their authors, even though they did request that author Lauren Myracle change several words in her book and remove a same-sex couple before they would allow her book into the book-fairs.  Ms. Myracle agreed to remove "bad language" like "geez," "crap," and "God," but refused to remove the same-sex couple.  Ms. Myracle was quoted as saying, "A child having same-sex parents is not offensive, in my mind, and shouldn't be 'cleaned up'."

2. "GO PLANE GO! I Want Daddy!":  A mother and her two-year-old child caused a flight-crew to return a taxiing passenger plane back to the boarding gate and remove the pair from the plane.  According to Southwest airlines, the two-year-old boy was keeping passengers from hearing the pre-flight safety instructions.  The airline has since apologized and gave the mother a $300-travel-voucher.

3. "Most of the Staff are Very Annoyed About All of This."  A sick pensioner in the UK was left alone for 5 hours in an ambulance because the driver forgot about his patient.  The elderly man was to be delivered back to his care home, but instead the driver left the ambulance and went home.  The man was found the next morning after a high-risk alert was issued by police.  The driver was suspended and slammed by his colleagues.

The absent-minded ambulance driver is Boner of the Day.


Bill Frost
Greek is about a fraternity and it's on ABC Family.  it's over.  Ray Jay didn't find love in the first season, so season 2 begins For the Love of Ray Jay.  V is rebooting.  The first episode is really good.  Kathy Griffin has a new stand-up special in which she talks about dating Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandson.  Destination Truth is slightly more credible than Ghosthunters but not much.  Broke and Famous tells the fascinating story of Willie Ames and his journey to Bibleman.  Wanda Sykes....has......a......show.  Saturday Night Live will have a lot of jokes about Kanye West.  Family Guy: Seth and Alex. Almost Live will not be sponsored by the latest infectious computer program from Microsoft.  Instead, Sherlock Holmes will sponsor the show.  Mad Men has their season finale.

Unforgettable Quote
"I want you to spill your passion into a pie promo." - Kerry Jackson

Gina's Sign-off
"Do you have your fieldtrip buddy?"

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Cake Boss is yet another cake decorating show.  The Little Couple is the newest little-person reality show on Bravo.  The Spike Scream Awards is an awards show.  My Name is Earl is still over.  Catalina, however, is on a new comedy on FX called The League.  G4 brings in the Halloween spirit with a marathon of Toxic Avenger 2 & Toxic Avenger 3.  Don't worry if you haven't seen Toxic Avenger 1.  The Siphy Channel is broadcasting Ghosthunters all day.  No.  They won't find anything this time eit....Wait.  Ssshhhhh...  What was that?  Did you hear that?  Oh... Man!   Is there a ghost in here!?  Never mind.  For some reason Spike is broadcasting Bad Santa all day long on the 31st.  Dr. Drew gives a couple of porn stars some sexual rehabilitation.  IParks & Recreation, Community, and Modern Family were all picked up for a full season.  Dollhouse is dying.  It's been pulled for all of November.

Episode #5279
Days until contract expiration: 164
Edition 1052 of Atropos' blog.
Day 20 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 22 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The specials

Sign-off

• "We've been coming here for 50 years and performing anal probes, and all that we have learned is that one in ten doesn't really seem to mind."

A Message From Crom
"Crom does not require sprinkling of water; only spilling of blood."

Do You Have Any Sanitary Host?
Gina doesn't regularly attend Catholic mass because it's unsanitary.  First of all, the priest used to put the host directly on the parishoner's tongue.  Forutnatley, they changed that and allowed the parishoner to hold out their hands and have it placed there.  That did not, however, fix the problem with the wine goblet, which is only wiped off between lips.  No dishwasher, no sanitary wipes, no nothing.  Gina really needs a more sanitary religion.  Kerry doesn't understand why the priest can't just use his Jesus powers to kill all the germs and virii.

Unforgettable Quote
"Use your magic, Padre." - Kerry Jackson

Just a Damn Minute Mr. Egyptian
On their way to Seattle, the rainy city in which Gina could cuddle with her husband, Joe was hassled by the man.  They both went through security without any issue.  When they got to the gate, Joe, being a gentleman, let Gina go ahead of her.  Gina was already up the jetway when she realized that Joe was not behind her.  She went back to the gate and Joe had been pulled aside for a "second screening."  He told Gina to go ahead, so she went ahead and boarded the plane.  She was seated next to a very nicely put together blind woman.  They began talking and when Gina told the woman Joe's real name, she indicated that the same thing used to happen to her because her name was Rashida - until she became blind.  Apparently she was no longer considered a threat.

Boners
1. "Women in Tuxedos?  Tain't Natural."  Copiah School District officials in Mississippi have rejected a lesbian student's yearbook photograph because she chose to wear a Tuxedo during the sitting.  Ceara Sturgis is a straight-A student who has been completely open about her sexuality in the past.  The ACLU has warned the district that they are violating Ms. Sturgis' rights.

2. "I Won The Lottery!"  A woman who claimed that she had won the lottery started a riot at a clothing store when she announced that she was paying for everyone's purchases.  The store finally realized that the woman hadn't actually paid for anything.  When the customers realized that the whole thing was a hoax, they began looting.

3. "Great Halloween Decoration":  Residents of an LA neighborhood mistook a real human corpse for part of a Halloween display.  The body of a 75-year old man, who was shot in the head, decayed on a balcony for several days before authorities were finally called and came to investigate the crime. 

Boner Candidate #3 is Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
Venture Bros. is back.  Nothing but Baseball on Fox.  Glee.  Jeff Dunham has a show.  Monk returns on Friday.  No word on Tony Shaloub's plans for a new season of Wings.  White Collar has a good looking criminal helping to solve crimes.  The plot was originally featured in a movie staring a formerly funny member of SNL and a blonde gentleman who sounded a lot like Harvey Firestein?  When We Were Beautiful is a documentary that hopes to convince you that Bon Jovi is as cool as Bruce Springstein.  If you're a young, good-looking young man who enjoys the company of older women, be sure to attend any and all Bon Jovi concerts you can; you will be pounced by a cougar. Modern Family deserves your viewership.

Gina's Sign-off
I get to choose a password.

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5269
Days until contract expiration: 178
Edition 1042 of Atropos' blog.
Day 6 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 36 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-offs

• "Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off."
• "I'm not crazy.  My reality is just different than yours."

Headphones!
From now on, when Bill enters the studio, he would like Kerry to immediately point to him and say, "Headphones."  This is to keep Bill from ever hearing the "witty banter" taking place between Richie and Gina.  Besides hearing their inane conversation, it's also to keep Bill from thinking he should engage in the banter, which brings Bill down to the "Richie T. and Gina B." level of banter.

He Was Part of It!
On Friday night, Gina's "Uncle Tom", a country musician, appeared on David Letterman's show.  The musical number was actually recorded the day before -- on the same day that Mr. Letterman announced the extortion scandal!  That means Uncle Tom was part of the scandal!............Uh huh.

Bill actually saw "Uncle Tom" perform.  He thought he was, "O.K." 

The Racket
After this past weekend, Gina wants to buy stock in The American Girls Store.  It's a crazy racket.  First of all, they arrive at the store and there is already a line of people, mothers and their daughters, waiting for the store to open.  They get inside, and there are about 30 different combination of custom dolls for the girls to choose from.  The idea is to pick out a doll that looks "exactly" like your little girl.  Unfortunately they don't have a doll with big enough of eyes to look like Jonesie.

After their dolls were assembled, Gina, Jonesie, The Sainted Mary Claire, and Gina's sister and niece got to have lunch with their dolls.  Of course, the dolls were seated first - and Gina didn't eat any of the food.

After they returned to the hotel, Jonesie and her cousin put their dolls on the bed and started playing in the closet.  When she got home, Jonesie wanted nothing more than the old doll she had left behind.

Unforgettable Quote
"For ninety-five dollars, I want her to have a hoohah!" - Bill Allred

Boners (brought to you by tacos)
1. "Do You Smell Something?":  When the owner of a South Dakota meat processing plant went out of business, he left more than 44 tons of bison meat in the freezers of the plant.  When the power was cut two years later, the spring thaw brought swarming maggots and a putrid odor that infested the town.  The owner of the town still owes more than $14,000 in taxes and $11,000 in clean-up costs.

2. "Sex or Pilates?  Ah, the Blind Guy Won't Know":  A blind laywer is suing a woman for fraud after he claims he hired her for sex and she charged more than $8,600 to the lawyers credit card.  The woman has denied being a prostitute and claims that the charges were for pilates lessons.

3. "General Conference Vandalism":  On conference weekend, two men carrying beer jumped a fence on the perimeter of the Brigham Young grave site.  They then kicked loose the bronze likeness of the book of Mormon on a statute of the former church leader.  A on-looker saw the two and followed them as they carried the 30-pound bronzed book and alerted police, who arrived and arrested the two men.

The Brigham Young Vandals (band name?) are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
Modern Family is great.  Survivor is mean.  Cougar Town is not as terrible as it initially seemed.  NCIS: Chris O'Donnel and the Rapper is a suck-sess.  Dollhouse is interesting, but nobody is watching it.  Stargate: Universe is serious, like Stargate: Battlestar.  Parks and Recreation is great, especially with Louis C.K.  The flat-Earther from The View has her own show.  South Park returns.  Secret Girlfriend was better as a web-based short.  Community is doing well.  30 Rock is back next week.  The Office has an hour long special in which Jim and Pam get married.  The Sifi channel introduces Sanctuary.  Wanda Sykes has a new special.  Hef is banging girls.  Como se Lamas, "Lorenzo Lamas?"

Sleep Study
To complete his look for the sleep study, Kerry wore his Ironman t-shirt.  It went well with all of the wires, hair goo, and breathing tubes.  As there was going to be both a camera and a microphone in the room with him, Kerry was a little worried about passing gas during the night, but Kerry's attendant noticed no nocturnal flatulence.

Unforgettable Quote #2
"I fart up a storm when I sleep." - Bill Allred

Gina's Sign-off
"Frost warning."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5264
Days until contract expiration: 185
Edition 1037 of Atropos' blog.

...and...

Only 43 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Boners (brought to you by left-over enchiladas)
1. "Looney: The Gun Safety Bird":  A man shot himself in the head whilst demonstrating gun safety to his girlfriend.  Apparently attempting to quiz her on the function of the saftey feature, the man placed the gun to his head and asked if she thought the safety was engaged, then he pulled the trigger.  In two previous demonstrations, the safety held.  The third time, however, the safety failed and the man was killed.

2. "Well, I Had a One out of Four Chance of Checking the Right Leg":  A vet attempting to repair a torn ACL on a corgi mix's knee mistakenly performed the surgery on the wrong leg.  When the owner of the dog took "Ted" to another vet to perform the surgery on the correct leg, the vet called to inform her that, because the dog had been favoring the leg on which the surgery had been performed, the other leg had been broken in three places.  The first vet is now refusing to pay for any of the extra surgeries required to repair "Ted" and his legs.

3. "You Know, You Been Too Long In The Sun":  Asshat Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, is still making lousy jokes about President Barack Obama and his "tanned."  In his latest attempt at humor he also included Michelle in his jokes saying, "You wouldn't believe it but they go to the beach together to sunbathe because even his wife is suntanned." It's not surprising to learn that Mr. Berlusconi began his working life as an entertainer on a cruise ship.

Quick Summary
Ten Towns in Ten Days continues in West Jordan at The Red Rooster Waffle Company (WHICH IS NOT A CHAIN!).  It's at the south end of Jordan Landing.  "Is it Jordan Landing's Dixie?"  Gina decided to do her best impression of The Bangerter Highway; stopping the show ever ten feet with another red light.  Big Fan is better than The Wrestler and Patton Oswalt is very good.  Richie went to see the famed Shakespeare plays Tuesdays With Morrie and The Woman in Black.  "Morrie!  I shall wee you again on the day of Tues!"  He then went to hike The Narrows and got in an argument with a Park Ranger and threatened with imprisonment.  In the end, he got to go on his hike and saved a life.  Gina never does anything.  She's like to have an adventure, but only if it doesn't require standing up.  Kerry is a self-loathing yuppie.  His dog received a note from the staff of the Hotel Monaco, he ate sushi with a TV chef, then went to the martini bar.  To make up for it, he wore a cowboy shirt and hosted Geekshow Movie Night with Smokey and the Bandit. 

Bill Frost
Mischa is out of work - again.  Lie to Me returns.  TRAUMA!!! debuts.  The Hills is back because Speidi can't sing, or act, or entertain.  Kelsey Grammar's new show sucks.  Watch Green Acres instead.  I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant features fat people and teenagers.  Grey's Other Anatomy returns.  I Miss Raymond with Brad Garrett is still on.  Stargate: Universe isn't bad for a Stargate series.  It's more serious and angsty.  Entourage is terrible.  Courtney and Chloe Infect Miami premiers.  Reality Hell is a fake reality show.

Gina's Sign-off
"Open faced turkey waffle!"

Episode #5259
Days until contract expiration: 192
Edition 1033 of Atropos' blog.

...and...

Only 50 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-off

• "Time is a great healer, unless it's a rash, then you're better off with ointment."

10 Cities in 10 Days
Today, Radio From Hell started their tour in Holladay, UT.  Remarkably, Holladay was founded by pioneers from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (you know - the Mormons).  Radio From Hell broadcast from the infamous Cottom Bottom Inn, famous for their garlic 'burgers.  The Cotton Bottom was not founded by pioneers and is not in league with the DABC.  The Inn has been serving beer and burgers for 45 years.  It's been robbed six times and gutted by fire once.  Watch out for the English Bulldog, who will sooner steal your waterbottle than look at you.

Thank Allah.  I'm Starving
Gina and The Jones family celebrated the Eid this weekend.  The Eid represents the end of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan.  Thank Allah.  Gina was so tired of fasting from sunrise to sunset every day...  Nah.  Most of The Jones family are Jack-Muslims, but they were celebrating in honor of Joe's father who passed away this past January.  Gina, predictably, picked through the eggplant, tomatoes, and other interesting food until she found the Egyptian version of a hamburger; Kefta.

Boners
1. "I Know, Let's Take an Insane Killer to the Fair":  During a field-trip to a fair, a legally insane killer managed to escape and evade police for three days.  The killer had previously escaped during another field trip.  Phillip Paul was recaptured without incident.  The institution responsible for Mr. Paul said that it will be evaluating its field trip policies.

2. "Sports Crime":  Cleveland Cavaliers guard Delonte West was arrested after being caught speeding on his motorcycle.  When police pulled Mr. West over, they discovered a handgun in his pocket, another hidden in his pants, and a shotgun in a guitar case slung over his back.

3. "That Was a Can of Sprite":  A Texas man became enraged and used a sword to cut on two of his roommates after finding a soda can in his bedroom.  The man saw the soda can as proof that someone had entered his room without permission.

The mental institution and their field-trip are Boners of the Day.

Good Weekend
This past weekend, Kerry and Sue made the trip to L.A. to visit with Sue's brother, Drew.  Drew serves as restaurant tour guide during these visits and this weekend took Kerry and Sue to a really old family restaurant in East L.A.  There they met the owner of the restaurant, and elderly gentleman named Manuel.  Manuel took one look at Sue and took an instant liking to her.  "Three tequilas!"  Unfortunately Manuel could not do tequila shots with them as he needs a new liver but, why should that stop everyone else?  "Three more tequilas!"

Bill Frost
Community did well.  Jay Leno's ratings dropping like a rock.  Dancing With The Stars has Tom "The Hammer" Delay dancing with Donnie Osmond.  House is crazy.  Accidentally on Purpose is absolutely terrible.  NCIS: Los Angeles with LL Cool J and Chris O'Donnell is not an intentional joke.  The Forgotten stars Christian Slater in Without a Trace of a Cold Case.  Warehouse 13 finales.  Criminal Minds and The New Adventures of Old Christine are back.  Modern family stars Ed O'Neil in a single camera comedy with no laugh track.  It's pretty good.  Cougartown is awful.  Eastwick is annoyingly bad.  Flash Forward isn't bad at all.  Dollhouse premiers with Ray Wise, who played The Devil on Reaper.  John Lithgow plays a really creepy serial killer on Dexter.  The Cleveland Show is oddly funny.

Episode #5254
Days until contract expiration: 199
Edition 1028 of Atropos' blog.

Opening Song
"I'm The People Who Died" - Jim Carroll

Sign-off

• Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.

Doin' It
Gina saw some people doing it.  This weekend she and the family went "camping." at a KOA near Bear Lake.  When they decided to go to the beach, they gathered their buckets and pails and began to look for a nice stretch of beach to spend the day.  Joe spotted a nice stretch with only a single car on it.  As they drove down, there was something a bit....suspicious about the couple in the water.  Gina leaned over to Joe and whispered, "I think they're doing it."  Joe was incredulous and continued to drive closer to the water.  There was no way that they were.....oh.  Yup.  They were.  Joe turned the car around, and headed back to the road.   Gina thought it might have been a ploy to keep the beach all to themselves. 

Doin' It outside is always risky.  Gina doesn't think it's a good idea at all.  Sure, sex on the beach sounds good, but there's sand and wind.  Kerry has more confidence in his blanket managing abilities.  The last time Bill did it in the out-of-doors, he didn't have a blanket and got a cactus needle where he didn't want it.

The Smorgasbord
Bill made it to the fair.  He didn't eat a lot of fair food, but the kids did.  They had themselves a deep-fried cookie and a deep-fried candy bar, both buried in powdered sugar.  Kerry suggested a new booth for the fair where you just bring various food items yourself and ask the vendors to deep fry them for you.  Deep-fried ketchup will be a big hit.

The fair also featured a Flemish Giant - which is a species of large rabbit.  It's larger than Kerry's dog, Artie.  Gina wondered what a Flemish Giant might eat..........................Um....Gina......a Flemish Giant probably eats what a rabbit eats.  Oddly enough, cows also eat what a rabbit eats, and they grow even larger than the Flemish Giant.  They just eat more of it.  Thank you Gina, you're smart and beautiful.

Boners (brought to you by pho)
1. "Kanye West is Everybody's Friend":  Kanye got on stage and stole Taylor Swift's microphone.

2. "Glenn Beck, Jason Chaffetz, and The Whole Damn Bunch":  Supporting Glenn Becks "9/12 Project", Rep. Jason Chaffetz, Gayle Ruzicka, and 1500 others gathered in Salt Lake City on Saturday.  During the event, Mr. Chaffetz ostensibly defended Rep. Joe Wilson and his infamous "You Lie!" comment by saying, "I know Joe Wilson.  Joe Wilson is a friend of mine."  Other protesters displayed signs reading, "I disagree with Barack Obama because he's 100 percent Socialist ... Not because he's 50 percent black!", "Man made global warming is a hoax," and "Abort Obama, not babies."

3. "Quit Peeing on That Tree":  Two men in Pioneer Park were stabbed during a argument over one of the men urinating on a tree.  One of the men began urinating on a tree, when another man yelled at him to use the bathroom was that nearby.

Kanye is Boner of the Day, and Bill is very disappointed in you.

Bill Frost

• Premier of The Biggest Loser.
• Finale of Big Brother.
• Finale of More to Love.
• Finale of The Cleaner: The Junkie Whisperer.
• America's Got Talent has Utah cloggers.
• Premier of The Beautiful Life and Mischa Barton's corpse prove that it's hard to be pretty.
• Premier of Survivor: Samoa.
• Premier of Bones.
• Premier of The Office.
• Premier of Parks and Recreation.
• SNL Weekend Update: Thursday edition.  KSL might even show it.
• Premier of Community, that will hopefully remove the mantle of "Enemy of Comedy" from Chevy Chase.
• Premier of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Whore Report
Megan Fox is flipping the bird whilst losing her bra and calling Mike Bay a Nazi.

Episode #5245
Days until contract expiration: 213
Edition 1019 of Atropos' blog.

Quick Summary
Gina is finally giving up her iPod.  She's repeatedly refused to give it to Bill since it was a give from Joe, who apparently didn't know who he was giving it to.  She's going to give it to Richie.  'Missionary Gay' is kind of like 'Prison Gay'; any port in a storm.  Kerry's house is nice because it doesn't have Cheerios smashed into the carpet.  Kerry once interviewed for a job in Oregon and slept on the couch of the Program Director at the radio station there.  Sue knows that Kerry knows a weirdo when he sees them.  Bill once drove to Boston from New York with four or five other students to audition for a play.  They thought they would stay in a college dorm once they got there.  The dorms told them that, of course, they would not be allowed to stay there.  At about one o'clock in the morning, one of the girls in the car eventually asked some guy standing on the street if he knew of a place they could stay.  The gentleman offered his own apartment.  During their stay in the apartment, they all got to know Charlie, who was a reformed heroin addict and "The Best Damned Shoe Salesman in Boston."  Bill is a pussy and doesn't wear the pants in his family.  Neither does Kerry wear the pants.  And Gina wants nothing to do with the pants.  Richie is dating a woman with an 11-year-old son.  First, Richie ruined musicals for both his date and her offspring, then clumsily tried to help the boy order at the restaurant.  Kerry suggests treating the boy like a friend and ask him questions like "That your first zit?," or "How's the arm-pit hair coming in?," or "Are you wearing a jock yet?," or maybe, "Your mom tell you about condoms?"  Mormon Jesus is whitesome, delightsome, and sexy, but Siberian Jesus is not.  Catholic Jesus is too skinny.  Blue-eyed Jesus is probably not very accurate.

Unforgettable Quote
"I want nothing to do with the pants." - Gina Barberi

Boners (brought to you by sweet potato fries)
1. "God, Evelyn!  You Were Supposed to Die!"  When the 83-year-old Evelyn Roth was diagnosed with cancer, two of her relatives convinced her to sign-over her power of attorney in order to carry out her final wishes.  Instead, Virginia Kuehn and Kathleen Jingling sold Ms. Roth's house, car, and possessions (including her wedding photographs).  They then transferred all of the money into their own accounts, where it was quickly spent.  Ms. Roth has since made a full recovery from her cancer.

2. "And, He Said He'd Call, And He Hasn't": A man in Ferndale, MI  told his date that he had accidentally left his wallet in her car.  She gave him the car keys, and he sped away with the vehicle.  Police were able to track down the culprit when his date gave them his cell phone number.

3. "We Got No Room For Humor Here.  No Room":  T-shirts touting the Smith-Cotton High School band's fall program were taken away from band members after parents complained about the evolution theme depicted on the clothing.  The shirt features the cliche image of a primitive ape evolving to a human being, with each figure holding a brass instrument.  The Ass. Superintendent, Brad Pollitt, claimed that he was forced to remove the t-shirts because of a policy directing schools to stay neutral on Religion.

The complaining parents and Ass. Superintendent are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
The T.O. Show finales.  Dance your Ass Off stops exploiting fat people.  Weeds finales.  Rescue Me finales and will end for good in 2011.  The CW is premiering 90210 and Melrose Place.  Plans are coming together for the CW to also bring back Get a Life, The George Carlin Show, Herman's Head, and Woops!  Sons of Anarchy has Ron Pearlman and Katy Segal eating the scenery.  Glee premiers.  Richie is ecstatic.  America's Next Top Model.  The Vampire Diaries doesn't suck and features real vampires instead of those ridiculous sparkly vampires.  Supernatural is battling Satan.  Ray Wise will appear in Jon Lovtiz's devil costume.  "Worship me!"

A Message From Crom
Crom laughs at your puny Jesus.

Happy Birthday Joe!


Episode #5240
Days until contract expiration: 220

Opening Song
"This is Our Place" - Scenic Byway (they're upbeat, and they smoke - and it's a free download)

Sign-offs

• Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
• There's no need for you to throw your love-spuds on the barbeque.

Boners
1. "Damn Dirty Dolphins":  A woman is suing a Chicago zoo claiming that the zoo trainers encouraged dolphins to splash water on zoo visitors and failed to take any action to protect patrons from the wet surfaces.  The woman claims that she was injured when she slipped and fell during a visit to The Brookfield Zoo.

2. "That...That's Not Dad":  A Philadelphia funeral for Kenneth Roberts was ruined when the family had the audacity to point out that the funeral home had brought the wrong body.

3.  "Hey!  Where'd Your Tattoo Go?"  A Milford police officer in New Jersey has been charged with sexual assault and criminal impersonation for pretending to be his twin brother in order to sleep with his brother's girlfriend.  The woman noticed the problem when her attacker was missing a cowboy tattoo on his buttocks.  The woman protested, but the police officer placed a pillow over her face and continued.  The woman went to an Emergency Room the next day to report the attack, at which time the officer was arrested.

The tattoo-less rapist is Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
Nurse Jackie is over.  Michael & Michael is over.  Penn & Teller: Bullshit takes on The Vatican and Bill Donohue is pissed.  Being Human is funny and entertaining, even though the werewolf is a weenus. 

Fall Preview
Flash Forward is a BBC program in which the entire population of the world blacks out and has a vision of their future.  The Middle is a nice comedy with no laugh track - with the Janitor from Scrubs.  Modern Families is a mockumentary starring Al Bundy (Ed O'Neil).  The reimagining of V starts in November.  Cougartown is mildly funny and stars Courtney Cox.  Eastwick is a turd.  The Forgotten is another crime unit show with Christian Slater.  Slater is withouth a trace of a cold case.  Hank is a fish out of water crappy sit-com with a laugh track.  NCIS: Los Angeles had a bad idea with Chris O'Donnell.  Accidentally on Purpose has Jenna Elfman being cute and quicky....yawn.  Community with Joel McHale is pretty funny, but does co-star the enemy of comedy, Chevy Chase. Cleveland may be funny, or may not.  Too early to tell.

You Ruined the Birthday
Last night, Joe and Gina went out to celebrate Joe's birthday.  They went to some restaurant named Pronto, or Pacifico, or Ponyo, or Prego, or Pago, or something weird.  Gina ate heirloom tomatoes!  She also had overcooked chicken, breaded in panko, and covered in some sauce - after pushing aside the edible flowers and some yellow squashy thing.

Later, they went to The Pretenders concert.  It was a pretty good concert until Chrissie Hynde decided to start hollerin' about PETA and her protest at Mac Donald's. 

Episode #5235
Days until contract expiration: 227

Sign-off

• "I Ask for so Little. Just Fear Me, Love Me, Do as I Say, and I Will Be Your Slave.

A False Start
This morning's show was to begin normally, with Kerry, Bill, and Gina performing as impeccably as the F.O.Ps have come to expect.  Gina failed to warn Kerry and Richie that today was the first day of school for Festus and Jonesie.  It's only once a year!

I Don't Smell Anything
On their way to Disneyland, Bill, Mrs. Bill, and Little Mrs. Bill stopped in Mesquite.  They asked for a room near the pool.  Unfortunately the room was also near the casino.  The smell of smoke kept Mrs. Bill up all night.  The odor didn't bother Bill as he just got drunk and passed out.

Boners (brought to you by Vietnamese food)
1. "How'd Ya Find me!?":  Police quickly found the bank-robber who held up a Washington Federal Savings bank in Murray when the note demanding payment was found to be written on the reverse side of Todd Markham's drug screening results.  The paper had Mr. Markham's name, address, social-security number, and birthdate.

2. "There Are Dumb Crooks Everywhere":  After writing his name and phone number down on a sticker to reserve a copy of Pink Floyd's The Wall, a New Zealand man reached over the counter, grabbed some cash from the register, and fled the store.  Besides his name an number, the thief also appeared on four surveillance cameras, and was a well known and long-time customer of the record store.

3. "Bring Back Sammy":  Mary Ranchipher doesn't care about her computers or the flat screen TV that was stolen from her home, but she is offering $1,000 for the safe return of her 5-year-old chihuahua, "Sammy."  (Boner Update:  Sammy has since been safely returned).

The bank-robber is Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
Hung is pretty good.  Thomas Jane and Anne Heche have a couple of hideous chuds for children.  Entourage is a turd.  Mad Men is back.  Shaq Vs. pits the imposing basketball player against stars from other sports like football, tennis, and swimming.  Hawthorne is over.  Jada Pinkett Smith is a terrible, terrible actress.  Saving Grace finales with Holly Hunter, a terrible, terrible actress.  Instead of Flipping Out, the OCD host is renovating homes.  Fox continues it's quality programming with a 2-hour show about the "Octomom."  The Ghosthunters will not be finding anything once again.  Top Chef Masters doesn't have Padma.  Top Chef Las Vegas does have Padma.  Jockey's is back for Gina on Midget Planet.  Phantom Racer is seeking revenge on BJ and the bear and Scott Baio.  Merlin still sux.  Miss Universe 2009.

We, the Residents of Salt Lake City, are, in Fact, Ready
Green Day puts on a good show, but Mr Armstrong was not quite sure if Salt Lake City was ready.  He asked if Salt Lake was ready at least 57 times.  Gina thought they had made it clear earlier in the show, but apparently there was still some question as to the state of their readiness.

The Richest Woman in Radio
This weekend, Gina went to see The Time Traveler's Wife.  She was about 20 minutes in when Marduk answered her prayers and directed a truck into a nearby telephone pole, knocking out the power to the movie.  The film was awful and Gina was so glad to have an excuse to leave that she didn't even stick around to get a refund.

Kids are Super-Good Fun
Bill went to see the documentary Food, Inc. whilst Mrs. Bill and the children went to see Ponyo.  Just after the movie began, a young couple and their four children under the age of five, entered the theater.....to see a documentary.  Bill's premonition was proved correct when the children quickly became bored and started running up and down the aisles.  The parents didn't do anything to stop them, but the mother did stand at the back of the theater so she could watch the kids misbehave.

Episode #5230
Days until contract expiration: 234
Day 10 of Gina's Most Newest Morning Meander

Sign-off

• "Flying is easy.  You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

The Unusual Gang
Bill is taking his family out to California this week.  In his absence, the venerable Tom Barberi is sitting in as news reader.  Marcus is adding color commentary.  Marcus had trouble getting around Comic-Con whilst hanging out with Wolf.  Wolf and Marcus would be a fantastic couple on Dancing with the Stars.

Boners (brought to you by chicken fried steak)
1. "What Are You, Sandwich Crazy?":  New Jersey police arrested a man after he pulled a shotgun on his brother after an argument about a sandwich.  Police declined to release the name of the victim nor what kind of sandwich was involved in the altercation.

2. "Kitty Porn":  Charged with downloading child pornography from the internet, a Florida man attempted to pass the blame onto his cat.  Keith Griffin claimed that he would be downloading music when the cat jumped on the keyboard.  When he returned to the computer later, he would find "strange things."

3. "You Know the Thing With Bears Is..."  Despite being repeatedly warned by wildlife officials, 74-year-old Donna Munson continued to leave out dog-food, yogurt, and other foods in order to attact bears and other wildlife to her log cabin.  Ms. Munson even had a metal fence built around her porch so she could continue to feed bears through the opening.  Unfortunately, Ms. Munson's half-eaten corpse was found by her housekeeper as a bear continue to consume the remains.

The bear-food is Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
The season finale of Better off Ted.  NYC Prep is a terrible show about terrible people.  Guess what!?  The Ghoshunters will not find ghosts again this season.  Mindfreak is back and Criss Angel has a beard besides Cameron Diaz.  He'll be buried in a coffin, but unlike his career, he'll manage to escape intact.  Dinner Impossible will be cooking for the roller derby.  They'll have the impossible task of creating a gourmet meal that pairs well with P.B.R and camel cigarettes.  Neil Diamond is still alive.  Mad Men, season 3, will debut on Sunday.

Geek Show
Kerry was still drunk at 4:00am.  Shannon doesn't remember the hoe-down from the night before.  Troll 2 is the Best Worst Movie ever made.  The movie has no trolls, but rather vegetarian goblins who turn people into edible plants.  GI Joe: World Police got 1.5 stars from Jeff.  He didn't find if fun or funny or internally charming.  Kerry and Marcus, on the other hand, really enjoyed themselves.  Shannon will wait until the movie reaches Brewvies, at which time he will drink himself into the mind-set of a 12-year-old boy.  Yo Joe.  The re-imagining/re-boot of V looks promising.  They don't even want our water anymore.  Betty White loves Scott "Eeyore" Pierce.

Episode #5225
Days until contract expiration: 241
Day 5 of Gina's Most Newest Morning Meander

Sign-off

• "You're not crazy.  You're going sane in a crazy world."

Lagoon Day
Gina and Bill spent Saturday at Lagoon with their families.  Bill came to a realization whilst at the park; the world needs more Aeropostal shirts.  There are not quite enough of them.  Bill also discovered the Wicked roller-coaster.  That is a great ride that is really short - thanks god.  Gina spent most of the day watching Li'l Mohamed ride on Bulgy the Whale over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Boners
1. "I Mean Haka-Dance":  The football coach of the University of Hawaii has been suspended for 30 days without pay after he referred to the Notre Dame team's celebration dance as "a little faggot dance."  The coach has also received a 7% pay-cut from his $1.1 million salary.

2. "Bleach Attack":  After being scolded by a woman for making noise, texting, and phoning during a showing of the latest Harry Potter movie, five teenagers followed the woman to a nearby restaurant and threw bleach over the woman's head.  The woman had to be treated for chemical burns and may have permanent eye damage.

3. "Momma Gotta Go to Work":  Police in Palm Bay, FL have arrested the mother of two children after she left them alone in her apartment and went to work at the Bare Assets Gentleman's Club.  The woman's neighbors called police after they saw the five-year old girl walking out on the balcony of the apartment.

The bleach attacking teenagers are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
Chris Katan isn't dead.  Remember him?  He was Mango and Azrael on SNL.  He's starring in a mini-series on IFC about an actor what can't get a job in Hollywood so he moves to India to star in a Bollywood movie.  Surviving Suburbia is canceled.  The Good Family is canceled.  The premier of Monk's final season.  Brick Knows Best finales.  Space Anatomy sucks.  Jesse James is a dead man.  There'll be no second season, but, on the plus side, Sandy is single again.  Z Rock is like The Monkees mixed with Curb Your Enthusiasm. 

Self-Loathing
Yesterday, Kerry put on his fedora, jumped into his suburu, drove to the farmer's market, purchase basil, pine nuts, and local art, then drove home, enjoyed a lovely pesto, then got a bottle of wine and went to see Saturday's Voyeur.  Kerry hates this man.

Glass Houses
An F.O.P who was naughty and channel-surfed through the commercials on X96 found Brett "Chunga" Smith talking to a caller about how Radio From Hell claimed to invent the radio call-in feature.  That's the kind of stupid listener that Chumba's show seems to attract.  Mr. Smith then went on to complain that Kerry and Bill were two old men who ought to retire.  Unfortunately, they have no real motive to do so since they double Mr. Smith's ratings.  In 241+ days, however, Mr. "Chumba" Smith can look forward to moving up to #7 in the ratings.

Sock Happens
The Allred family had originally just fostered for Blackberry the rabbit, but as no one would adopt the goopy eyed rabbit, Blackberry is now a permanent addition to the Allred household.  Blackberry is a very friendly house rabbit.  He's mostly litter-box trained, but occasionally has a little "accident."  The other day, as Bill arrived home, Mrs. Bill told Bill how that "damned" rabbit had gotten into Little Bill's bedroom and pooped all over the bed.  That was now, however, the truth of the situation.  The "poops" turned out to be coffee beans.  Little Bill had sneaked downstairs in the night, stole a handful of chocolate covered espresso beans.  As Little Bill didn't appreciate the flavor of the coffee beans, he just sucked the chocolate off the beans and discarded them right onto his bed then fell asleep, leaving the evidence.

Episode #5220
Days until contract expiration: 248
Day 2 of Gina's Phony Morning Meander

Opening Song
"Hail to the Geek" - Deaf Pedestrians

"There'll be a lot of geek sauce spilled that day I can tell you."
Comic-Con sucked.  Not for Jeff or Shannon or Marcus; they thought it was fine.  Kerry didn't seem to enjoy spending 90% of the time in line.  There was a line for this, for that, and for everything else.  Besides, all the "exclusive" content at the show were available online right after or even the next day.  Kerry did get a picture of Edward James Olmos.  Well, either a picture of Mr. Olmos or a close up from the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter.

The one highlight of the trip was the convergence to two of Kerry's favorite things; The Suicide Girls and Lt. Uhura's uniform.

"Life's Parade at your Fingertips."
Gina went to the Days of '47 p'rade.  She was't going to go, but Gina's sister bragged that she was taking her children in front of Gina's children.  So, naturally, she had to go.  Whilst there, Gina was treated to Brett "Chunga" Smith's p'rade announcing.  X96 has tried to be part of the p'rade before, but were always told that they wouldn't properly address the p'rade's theme.  Apparently this year's theme was something like "A Vision of the Future."  Apparently Utah's future will involve hand-carts, covered wagons, and hoe-downs.

Boners (brought to you by buffalo wings)
1. "Now, Where You From Son?":  After a home invasion, the victims had little trouble identifying their attacker from a book of police mug shots.  One of the thieves had a tattoo of the state of Florida on his face, along with the words, "Crazy Cracker."

2. "Somebody....Please Think of the Children":  A PTA president in Florida is urging other PTA parents to write and complain to a shopping mall for its display of a broze statue depicting a nude family.

3. "Which Meeting do I Go To?":  Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) discovered that he was in the wrong hearing room after he launched into an opening statement on a water projects and a bill he introduced affecting a water project in Magna.  Other attendees informed Mr. Chaffetz that the sub-committee on water was being held in a different room a few doors down.

Rep. Chaffetz is Boner of the Day.

"The Doctor Said I was Lazy."
On Friday, Gina couldn't go for her mile walk because she had to run the board.  Today she isn't taking her walk because the sound quality on her phone is bad.

Bill Frost
The Middleman is on DVD.  The Bachlorette is finale.  When they engage in sexual congress on The Bachlorette, the camera fades to a picture of a train going into a tunnel.  If they were filming Kerry it would fade to a picture of the space slug on the meteor in Empire Strikes Back.  For Bill it would be a clip of a runaway stagecoach.  A Whole Lotta Love is a whole lot of fat love.  The defenders of Dance Your Ass Off all sound fat in their e-mails.  Their messages are typed with thos fat, stubby little fingers.  I Didn't Know I was Pregnant is really a show.  Penn and Teller: Bullshit takes on organic foods in a very special episode.  Megan Wants a Millionaire is a terrible show, but honest.  Megan just wants a millionaire to buy her things and host her special breed of syphillis.  Rescue Me is fantastic.

Unforgettable Quote
"Fat people rule TV" - Kerry Jackson

New Ogden Fact
"The demolition derby is a good excuse for Ogdenites to get their cars."

Creature Feature
Whilst cherishing the cabin, Bill was awoken at 2:00am by the sound of something skittering across the roof.  Bill popped on his headlamp and began to look around.  He finally realized that the sound was in the house.  It was a bat, searching for a way out.  Little Bill really didn't want the bat to escape, "Don't chase it away!  I'll make a pet of it!"  It was cool to see, but finally Bill managed to get it out of the window.

Gina's Sign-off
"I don't want the lactic acid to build up."

Episode #5216
Days until contract expiration: 256
Day 14 of Gina's Morning Meander

Sign-offs

• Don't let someone drive you crazy when you know it's within walking distance.
• There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

A Rough Start
When Gina got to work, she worried that perhaps she had missed a meeting.  Was Radio From Hell broadcasting on location?  Neither Kerry or Bill were in the office.  They were both late to the office.  After Kerry and Bill arrived, Gina proposed that perhaps it was the Fates were conspiring to keep the show from going on.  Was there going to be an explosion in the studio?  Maybe the guardian angels were looking out for them!  The guys in the red berets?  No, the actual angels!  Everyone has an angel to look after them.  Huh.  Neat.

Boners (brought to you by lousy boners)
1. "Petty Authority....Oh How I've Missed Thee":  Police in the UK broke up a birthday party, claiming that it was advertised as an "all-night party" on the web.  The even was a birthday barbecue for about 15 guests.  Police forced the guests to go home before they even began playing music. 

2. "Bad Driver with a Cigarette":  Yup. 

3. "Bad Driver with a Gun":  Yup.  Another one.

Petty authorities are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
Dating in the Dark.  A couple meets in the dark, they sees each other at the end.  Bleh.  Torchwood's mini-series is very good.  Hell's Kitchen is a stupid donkey.  Kings burns it's final episode on Saturday.  Being Human is Twilight 90210 with a werewolf, vampire, and a ghost.  Malibu Shark Attack unearths the career of Peta Wilson from the crater that was League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.  Dr. Who has a special as well.  It's very British.  Daisy of Love chooses her mate from 12-Pack, Flex, or London. 

Episode #5211
Days until contract expiration: 262
Day 9 of Gina's Morning Meander

Opening Song
"Cold Hard Bitch" - Jet

Sign-offs

• "Avoid fruits and nuts; you are what you eat."
• "I never admit or deny anything.  It makes me more interesting."

Boners
1. "Got The Drop On Ya":  A woman in a bathroom stall was shot in the leg after a woman in the next stall dropped her pistol and it discharged as it hit the ground.

2. "Let the Buyer Beware":  Police are looking for three people who beat a drug-dealer with a skate board after they discovered that he had sold them $40 of fake drugs.

3. "Hey Buddy!  How 'Bout a Ride?":  After three weeks on parole, Mark White of Saginaw, MI robbed the Citizen's Bank.  As he didn't have a car, he ran out of the bank and down the street.  Eventually, he flagged down a car intending to car jack the occupant.  Unfortunately for Mr. White, the driver of the car was an undercover police detective.

The car-less bank robber is Boner of the Day

Bill Frost
Dance Your Ass Off is not a good show.  No Reservations is back with a trip to Chile.  Better Off Ted is still playing new episodes.  This week Veridian Dynamics develops a perfume that attracts hornets.  Food Party is terrible.  The Wrong Door is very good.  Leverage is a modern A-Team.  Dark Blues is a turd with a monkey faced mouth breather.  Michael & Michael is a sketch comedy show about a sketch comedy show about a sketch comedy show.  16 and Pregnant is a terrible show created by terrible people.  Dirty Sexy Money still has some episodes to burn off.  Shirtless Jim Belushi has been replaced by tired Bill Engval jokes.  Stacy Keach!?  Jason Alexander!?  Meatier:  Path to Destruction. 

Unforgettable Quote
"He’s a mouth breathing monkey face." - Bill Allred

Unforgettable Quote #2
"That's where I really got into the corn." - Bill Allred

Gina's Sign-off
I was sweating because it was hot.

Episode #5206
Days until contract expiration: 269
Day 4 of Gina's Morning Meander

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

Sign-offs

• Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two-thousand of something.
• Silence is golden.  Duct-Tape is silver.

Don't Bother
Radio From Hell is back, but don't bother listening until.....say....Wednesday.  By then, the show will have gelled into a coherent broadcast.  Bill wasn't feeling particularly well rested.  He didn't really have a vacation.  He went in to have surgery on his eyes, which has made him look vaguely Asian.  Bill spent the majority of his vacation alternating between placing ice on his eyes, and watching TV.  Even the pain medications were no fun. 

Camping Queen
On her vacation, Gina discovered that driving to Oregon takes a long time.  On a map, it doesn't look that far, but it's really, really far.  They had to stop and camp by The Snake River whilst on the way.  During her stay near The Snake River, Gina learned two important things.  First, that there are a thousand, million, billion mosquitoes near The Snake River.  Second, that John Carter isa moron.

The good news, however, was that Gina learned to poop in her trailer.  On the last day, as they were packing up to leave, Joe informed her that they would be dumping the tank before they began their trek back home.  Knowing that her make would only reside in the trailer for 30 minutes or so, and the children were elsewhere, Gina gave the trailer toilet a try.  Her biggest complaint?  That she couldn't use her precious flushable wipes.

Oh, and Gina wasn't aware that "Ore-Ida" was a portmanteau of "Oregon" and "Idaho.

Bingo!  Bingo The Clown-O!
Richie is taking his vacation in Chicago at Clown College.  No, it's not a joke.  It really is A clown college.  They teaching people how to get in tough with their inner clown.  It isn't the Bozo or Krusty type of clown, but rather how to clown around.  When Richie returns, he'll be able to go on a grand tour of high school auditoriums.  He'll appear right after the drama department's production of "Seussical:  The Musical" with an improve about "bad touching."  "You're the last two pedophiles on Earth and you're stuck in a bomb shelter!  GO!"

Boners (brougth to you by braised leeks and lentils)
1. "Naked is Not Neglectful":  A man lost his adopted kids after walking around in front of them whilst naked.  The court did, however, clear the adoptive father of neglect.

2. "The Mayor Wants You":  Former Washington, D.C. mayor and current councilman Marion Barry has been arrested and charged with stalking a woman he helped out financially.  The woman flagged down an officer and complained that Mr. Barry was talkin her.  Mr. Barry has denied all charges.

3. "Yeah.  Sure.  We'll Destroy Those DVDs":  An elementary school teacher in California is under fire after she sent home a DVD full of "class memories" that also featured a six-second clip of the woman engaged in sex on a couch.  The school district called each of the student's parents and asked them to destroy of the DVDs.

The porn-sending teacher is Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
Bill Frost was recovering from his hysterectomy, and couldn't visit the studio today.  Instead, he provided his reviews via e-mail.  Warehouse 13 is a passable ripp-off of The X-Files.  Trash Day on J-Street, however, is not something, HI!, you should watch.  The TV series based on 10 Things I Hate About You is only for the tweens and or brain-damanged adults.  The movie was, HI!, loosely based on The Taming of The Shrew.  Ghosthunters International will continue to find nothing but bullsock in Europe.  Big Brother.  Eureka on sIfY.  Eli Stone and Harper's Island are burning off episodes that nobody wants to watch.  Entourage begins again. 

Shocking
The Palin Shocker is just like the standard shocker except that you stare at it in bewilderment.

Neglected News
Jamima Amadon is starting new restaurant called Banana Boobs.  They'll specialize in bananas foster.  The Proposal has bare-chested smooching and wood chopping.  Ice Age 3: The Legend of Ray Romano's Gold is pure crap.  The only good lines come from Simon Pegg's character.  Transformers: The Search for Curly's Gold proves that a no named extra is better looking and a better actress than Megan Fox.  It is tedious, non-stop noise.  The attempts at humor are painfully unfunny.

Gina's Sign-off
"John Carter is a moron."

Episode #5201
Days until contract expiration: 283

Opening Song
"Know Your Enemy" - Green Day

Sign-off
"Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?"

Weekend Fun
The Radio From Hell hosts had a great time at Snowbird this past weekend.  The Too Much Fun Club met in Kerry's room, and Kerry doesn't remember it.  Great time.  Bill had spaghetti.  Gina let her kids jump on the bed.  Gina discourages jumping on the bed at home, but at a hotel, it's fine.  Bill used to allow his kids to jump on the bed until his daughter split her lip open on the edge of a nightstand in Cedar City.  Yet another reason Bill has no love for Cedar City.

Boners (brought to you by fajitas)
1. "Thanks For Your Service To Your Country":  After revelations that Veteran's Hospitals have been putting veterans at risk for HIV from improperly performed colon exams, another investigation revealed that a Philadelphia VA hospital was seriously botching prostate cancer treatments over a six-year-period.

2. "What's a Few Extra Stars":  A Belgian teenager has told police that she asked a tattoo artist to draw three stars on her face.  She then claims that she fell asleep and awoke with more than 56 stars over the side of her face.  The tattoo artist counters the woman's claim saying that the teen asked for the tattoos, but recanted when her father saw them and reacted negatively. (UPDATE:  The woman has since admitted that she was making up the story.)

3. "I Was Airin' it Out":  A homeless man in Memphis, TN was arrested and charged with masturbating in a public park.  According to court documents, the accused denies the allegations and claims that he was just giving his penis some air.

The masturbating homeless man is Boner of the Day.


Bill Frost
America's Got Talent begins again and proves that we do not, in fact, have any.  Benjamin Bratt's goatee attacks a grandmother's boobs on The Cleaner.  Life After People is awfully cheery.  HBO debuts a new comedy, Hung, about a man with a big........problem......or solution.......or something.................His penis is huge.  There.  It's said.  It's funny and Thomas Jane makes up for his lousy performance as The Punisher. 

Unforgettable Quote
"I can't believe I just advocated boiling Larry King's head in a big pot." - Bill Allred

The Big Richie
Richie spent the weekend in New York seeing non-parody theater.  He saw Next to Normal, West Side Story, The Upright Citizens Brigade: High School Talent Show, and In the Heights.  He also met up with former intern, Pushy Brad, who works at a radio station in New York.  Brad is hoping that Richie gets fired so that he could take over as The Radio From Hell producer.  Richie also went to the Manhattan 1st Ward, at a $9, 2400 calorie brownie,  and ate a vegetarian dinner with a mermaid.

Gina's Sign-off
"Eight breasts!?  That's a great idea!"

Episode #5196
Days until contract expiration: 290

Opening Song
"Pump it Up" - Elvis Costello

Sign-offs

• "Rehab is for quitters."
• "I want a man who is kind and understanding.  Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?"

A Message From Crom.
Crom cares nothing for your short skirts and racquets; only how you fill your bodice.

Paradise
Bill and Richie survived.  They managed to hike down into Havasupai in The Grand Canyon and hike back out alive.  For the occassion, Bill borrowed a one-man ultra-light tent.  Setting his tent stakes he reached down an grabbed a rock with which to hammer the spikes.  The rock, oddly enough, looked much like a plaster cast of Gene Simmon's genitalia.

Though the area was beautiful, the waste management aspect of the campground left something to be desired.  Last year a flood in the area washed away all of the outhouses.  In their place were a series of plastic port-a-pottys.  With all of the people hiking and camping, they tended to fill up rather quickly.  A helicopter would periodically come and drop off two new toilets and take two of the full toilets.  At this time, many a butt-cheek squeezing camper waddled towards the unfouled depository.

Boners (brought to you by a BBQ chicken sandwich and Little Bill's Darth Maul dip)
1. "Gimme All Your Diamonds":  When the night shift manager at The Black Diamond store confronted a strange man walking around the manufacturing plant, he stranger threatened him with an ice-pick then demanded all of the precious metals in the store.  Apparently the thief took the name of the store literally and expected it to be filled with gold and diamonds.  The manager explained that they were a outdoor equipment business.  The thief then stole a computer, some ice-screws, and other miscellaneous climbing equipment.

2. "Try and Stab Me.  Go On.  Try.":  A British company has developed and marketed the first "anti-stab" kitchen knife.  The knife is designed to be less effective as a weapon.  It has a blunted end and a design that makes it snag on skin and clothing. 

3. "He Said It, So I Kicked It Out Of Him":  A student teacher may be charged with battery after kicking a student for using the word "crap."  The student claims that the teacher kicked him in the shins, stomach, and the back of the head.  The teacher claims that it was all "just a joke."

The "diamond" thief is Boner of the Day.


She's Not The Only One
Gina ate a kumquat.  She bet that Bill hadn't.  He informed her than he had.  Gina changed her bet to include that most people hadn't.  Most people probably have.  It's not just a joke fruit?  No, Gina, it isn't.

Bill Frost
Bill helped Shannon and Jeff judge the car show.  That's hard work.  Run's House is back.  No word on DMC's Hovel.  Wedding Day shows pimp weddings.  Jada Pinket Smith is unlikeable, but beautiful.  The Unusuals is going away for every.  Pushing Daisies is completely done.  They're running out the clock on Eli Stone, Kings, and Harper's Island.  Impact will be a terrible miniseries in which humanity blows up the moon.  Why?  Because they can.  Merlin was before Harry Potter.  Spike has The Guy Choice Awards.  Guys choose big boobs and dip.

Unforgettable Quote
"You'd only know if it was cold if you were sitting underneath me." - Gina Barberi

Communing With The Natives
As Bill was leaving of the beautiful turquoise pools down in Havasupai, he noticed a Native American gentleman standing nearby.  Thinking that he was a local and might know something about the weather, Bill asked, "Is it gonna rain?"  The gentleman looked up at the sky then replied, "I don't know."

Radio From Hell Nudity
Saturday was Richie's birthday.  To mark the occasion, he decided to show of Li'l Richie.  He told everyone that he was going to jump off a cliff, into the pool below, naked.  He got behind the waterfall, took off his suit, then jumped into the pool below.  No one really paid much attention, but somewhere, someone has photographs.  Unfortunately, they're not very flattering.  The water was cold enough that his testes had crawled back up behind his navel.

Gina "The Rock Ambler" Barberi
Along the way, some of Bill's companions, who were friends of the program, asked if Gina could do the hike.  Both Richie and Bill replied with an emphatic, "No."  Gina was deeply offended.  She could do it.  No one can tell Gina what she can't do.  She could do it.  Atropos wrote in to remind Gina of her previous experience hiking with Bill and Richie:



Gina's Sign-off
"I could do it."