Episode #5147
Days until contract expiration: 364

Opening Song
"Sex is on Fire" - Kings of Leon

Sign-off
"I'm not crazy.  Just ask my toaster."

HA!
Radio From Hell was broadcasting live from Red Rock in honor of The City Weekly's Best of Utah edition.  Richie was late because his sex was on fire.  In fact, Richie is making a parody video for that song.  It features a young man with a dose o' the syphillis.  Richie's bishop will likely use it to scare the teens from engaging in physical acts of love.  Gina was quick to point out that the song isn't about venereal disease; it's about hot sex!  Yes, Gina, Richie is aware of that fact.  That is the reason it is a parody video.  Governor Huntsman holding a beer on the cover of The City Weekly, that is also parody.

I Like Radio From Hell Sausage, The Best
Once again, readers have chosen Radio From Hell as The Best Radio Show in Utah.  X96 also won for Best Radio Station, and Kerry and The Geekshow Podcast won for Best Local Podcast.  Congrats.

Boners (brought to you by curry chicken)
1. "I Was Researching a Case":  A police officer in Clinton, Illinois was suspended after it was discovered that he had spent more than 23-hours downloading pornography from adult web sites on his police laptop.

2. "Hey, This Will Be Funny Here":  The deckhand of a charter boat in California accidentally choked to death in front of 20 elementary school students.  Jeff Twaddle was attempting to entertain the children when he swallowed a whole bait fish.  The fish stuck in his throat and resisted all efforts to dislodge it.  Paramedics were not able to save Mr. Twaddle and he passed away.

3. "Blood on the Hood":  Lucien Rolland was arrested after allegedly knocking out his girlfriend's tooth and then attempting to run her over with a car.  The couple and the woman's sister were driving back to their home in Magna, UT when an intoxicated argument erupted between the two.  The driver drover to her boyfriend's house to seek assistance.  When she returned outside, Mr. Rolland was on top of the victim, punching her in the face - and knocking out a tooth.  The woman freed herself and ran inside, and Mr. Rolland began to drive away.  The victim then re-emerged from the home and began chasing the car down.  Witness then reported that the woman was next seen hanging onto the hood of the car.  Police arrested Mr. Rolland after they found blood on the hood of his vehicle.

Local domestic violence is Boner of the Day.


(Author's note:  I was unable to listen to the remainder of the show.  A Spanish Station has apparently upped their output or something similar as I was unable to hear X96 at all....only polka music.  Wunder Radio still won't work - and the podcasts for the eight and nine o'clock hours have not yet been posted.)

Giving Back - April 10, 2008
Last night, Gina watched as American Idol gave something back. Not wasted time. Not syphilis. Charity money. At one point, the singing stopped. U2's Bono appeared with a 13-year-old African girl suffering from AIDS. It got to her. Tears streaming down her face, Gina had to hold Little Jonesie with one arm as she used the other to call and donate $50.

The same thing once happened to Bill. He was watching TV late into the night when one of those damned infomercials came on. They really play on your heart and emotions. Bill ended up paying $30 for a 5-year subscription to TV Guide, the most worthless magazine on the planet.

Giving Back II - April 10, 2008
Kerry went to the supermarket to buy some yogurt. Unfortunately, he couldn't find his usual brand, so he went with something called Activia. Apparently Activia is not just your regular yogurt... It's supposed to assist with the morning constitutional. Between the Activia and the granola, Kerry is really giving back.

Unforgettable Quote - April 10, 2008

“Do you know how rare that is?  It's, like, so rare.” - J.T.

Morning Meanderings - April 11, 2008
Now that Gina's desk has moved, Bill doesn't know if she bothered to show up until the show begins. Perhaps she should emanate some sort of scent to alert Bill to her presence. Maybe a morning fart? Richie is the greatest producer Radio From Hell has ever had. He takes ideas from Kerry, Bill and Gina, creates a project and arranges the details - then management quashes it with a single, "No." The road trip to Seattle is all planned out, but Simmon's probably won't spring for gas-money. Richie suggests that they all sell their plasma for a few weeks to raise the money. Gina really, really cares about salmon. Apparently there aren't going to be any more salmon... Uh... huh... Hey, Richie, where are your keys?

Word of the Day - April 16, 2008

“semelparous” - describing an organism that reproduces only once in their lifetime, such as salmon or annual plants.

 

Gina is not semelparous.  She has had sex four times; once to try it out and snag her husband with promises of more fishy sex.  Then three times for children.  Now she's done.  Gina has been spayed, but she's Catholic, so she can't have sex without the promise of children.  She can't trick The Lord.

 

Gina's Sign-off - April 20, 2008

Buzzzzzz.....Click......Beeep......Whiiiirrrrrr....

Sexity - April 29, 2008
Since Bill has allergies and a cold, Gina suggested that he re-record his voice mail and answering machine greetings. Gina learned from The Sainted Mary Claire that it's the best time to record those messages because you sound sexy. The Sainted Mary Claire waited until she was on death's doorstep to record her messages. Even though she has several adult children, one of whom is a sheriff's deputy, The Sainted Mary Claire likes to ooooooze her sexuality. In fact, The Sainted Mary Claire was somewhat disappointed to learn that M.I.L.F Island only existed in the phony reality of 30 Rock. F.O.P Travis mused that if Gina were a 'cougar' Mary Claire must be a 'saber-tooth?'

Do I Have To? - May 5, 2008

Gina and Richie went to the secret press conference for High School Musical 3.  Zac Effron is cute.  The secret location was East High School.  Zac Effron has good hair.  The cast pulled up in a white van.  Zac Effron smells like cookies.  The cast tried to lead the reports in a school cheer.  Zac Effron is really good looking.  Zac Effron.  Zac Effron.  Zac Effron.  Richie lost his keys.  There won't be any salmon.

Girl's Night Out - May 6, 2008
The Sainted Mary Claire's birthday in March was interrupted by a death in the family.  As a result, Mary Claire and her daughters were not able to go to a movie and a night in a hotel.  Instead of a movie, they changed to a concert at The Depot.  So they rode Trax down to The Gateway and had dinner at the adjoining restaurant.  That's the way to do it.  As they had dinner there, they also received VIP entrance to the concert.  The Sainted Mary Claire wondered if the concert had tables, or chairs, or what.  The Depot has some tables, but also suites.  Mary Claire told Gina to go pick up the tickets, tell them who she was, and get them a suite.  Gina went to pick up the tickets and the cashier was Phil Jacobson, from The City Weekly.  Gina asked about a suite and was promptly informed that Gina's special price would be the same as anyone else; $45 per ticket.  Instead, they went and sat at a big table behind the bar.  As people filtered in, the view got worse and worse.  One gentleman, in particular, was blocking Gina's sisters view.  Mary Claire informed the gentleman that he'd better be careful or he'd hear about himself on the radio!  Gina was aghast, but fortunately he was an F.O.P who was happy to chat with Mary Claire.  Mary Claire informed Gina that, see, she was right; Gina should always wear lipstick for unscheduled photographs with the F.O.Ps.

Later, back at the hotel, Momma Debbie, who is Daddy Gary's first and second wife, wanted to perform a ceremony from book about the Illuminati in honor of Mary Claire's milestone birthday.  The room was filled with candles, and they had to move the beds out of the way so they could all sit (naked?) in a circle on the floor.  Mary Claire complained about having to sit (naked?) where the bed had been - it never gets vacuumed!  Everyone was supposed to bring a (naked?) story about how wonderful The Sainted Mary Claire had been in the past.  Mary Claire then had to get up and tell everyone some things about herself that others might night know.  When she got to the part where she likes to sleep (naked?) naked, Gina's sister, Kerry, looked absolutely appalled!  Mary Claire had to quickly explain that she didn't do it any more, or that often! 

After the ceremony they all joined the Colonel at his secret country mansion, in Colorado, known as "The Meadows."

I Learned It From Watching You - May 7, 2008
On the excruciatingly rare occasions that Bill is flatulent, he usually use one of many cute euphemisms for his shame. Phrases like "Hear that barking spider?", or "Did someone step on a duck?", or "There's that bear again." Little Mrs Bill can also have the occasional bout with intestinal gases. The other day, Bill was reading a story to Little Mrs. Bill as she was laying on her bed. Without warning, she ejected her flatus with particular bravado. Bill exclaimed, "Honey! That was a loud one." Little Mrs. Bill demurely replied, "It sounded like a door closing! A door with rusty hinges!

Rubbin' Rhurbarb - June 2, 2008
Kerry went down to visit his father his weekend and brought some rhubarb back for Bill.  Bill doesn't really like rhubarb and was really only joking about it last year.  The only way that rhubarb is ever actually edible is if it is cooked down with a mound of sugar - either stewed or in a pie.  Gina has never eaten rhubarb before, but Bill managed to talk her into it after washing off the bovine-based fertilizer.  Gina didn't like it.  Surprise!  Next week on Radio West, Doug Fabrizio will host a conversation on The History of Rhubarb.  After looking up rhubarb on the Wikipedia, Gina learned that it was a natural laxative.  Thanks Bill!  Bill was relatively sure that one little bite of rhubarb would not send her running to the bathroom whilst clenching her butt-cheeks.

All About Gina Pt. 2 - June 3, 2008
Gina teased herself with an apple.  She's been so good lately.  She'd drinking water, only allowing herself one latte per week, eating lean cuisine for lunch, and standing throughout the show.  She even provided herself with a healthy snack; an apple.  Just as she was about to bite into the crisp, refreshing flesh - she realized she still had her fake tooth in the front and it would likely be ripped out by a fruit as tough as an apple.  Bill wondered if Gina had ever heard of a knife.

Jonesie and Joe were outside engaged in a riotous game of Habib Says (the Egyptian version of Simon Says).  Suddenly, the incontinent chihuahua came outside to join them.  Jonesie turned to Precious and commanded, "Simon says, 'Stop!'"  Precious stopped.  Jonesie then commanded, "Simon says, 'Pee!'"  Precious produced urine.  Jonesie was so pleased, "It works!"

Joe brought home a whole case of dog food for Precious.  He's optimistic.

Jonesie informed Gina that she had named her belly button.  When questioned as to the name she had bestowed, Jonesie pronounced, "Barbie Magic Princess!"  She then walked around the house, exposing her navel and announcing, "Barbie Magic Princess!"  Bill encouraged Gina to remember this moment when there is a line of boys outside of the house waiting for Jonesie.

Gina is dirty and itchy.

Little Wienies - June 4, 2008
Wienie-Intern, Ben, made his first appearance at the studio to care for the crocks of Li'l Smokies and Li'l Polskas.  On behalf of Kerry, Ben bought the Jack Daniels BBQ sauce.  Ben's work friends wanted to know if Gina was "hot or not" as they had heard reports of both.  Honestly, in the past, Gina has been both.  Currently she's between "not" and "hot"; she's on the road to hotness.

Gina's Sign-off - June 6, 2008
"First sex, then steak."

Oui Oui - June 12, 2008
Kerry didn't tell the "Sue Pees on The Eiffel Tower" story.  Nobody but Bill and Punk think so.

After a partying and eating until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning, Kerry and Sue starrted to make their way back to the hotel.  Kerry, who was already on Sue's "s-list", thought they were closer to their hotel than they were.  Sue really needed to pee.  As they were passing The Eiffel Tower, they ran into some Parisian hoodlums.  Kerry and Sue asked the youths if there was a restroom nearby.  The hoods pointed them towards a pay toilet.  Unfortuantely, it was closed.  Kerry suggested that Sue just jump the short fence and pee in the bushes next to one of the legs of The Tower.  Kerry stood watch outside the fence.  As he watched, Two guards, in black berets and machine guns started to walk towards Kerry.  Kerry told Sue to hold tight and started to act real casual; kicking pepples, hands in his pockets, etc.  Fortunately, the Guards veered off.  As Sue finished up, she game out of the bushes and they managed to make their way back to the hotel.

With His Boots On - June 17, 2008
After the recent and sudden passing of reporter Tim Russert, Bill wondered what would happen if his heart seized while he was on the air.  Bill hoped that Kerry would leave the microphones on as they attempted to revive him, and Richie performed mouth-to-mouth for an uncomfortably long time.  After BIll actually passed, he would hope that they continue the show.  Gina refused.  She couldn't possibly stay in the studio.  Atropos noted that Gina will use any excuse to leave early.  Bill figured that, after he was dead, Kerry and Gina could go through his pockets, see what kind of underwear he was wearing, etc.  Richie would probably snatch Bill's wallet (so that he was sure to have Bill's full name and birthday) and run to the Temple to complete all of Bill's temple work.  When Gina dies on the air, she hopes that Kerry and Bill return to the mics whilst sobbing and rending their garments.

The Most Not Boring Story About Lost Keys – January 15, 2008
Richie and Booster were heading to church on Sunday morning. It was the first day for Richie in his new single's ward. He went to his car to get his books, then Booster and he drove to church. After leaving church, they visited first with Booster's mother, then his mother. When Richie returned home, he discovered that he couldn't find his keys. It was too late to go back looking for them, so Booster stayed over (they are not having sex) and she took him to work in the morning. Booster then turned her car inside out looking for the keys, but couldn't find them. After Richie was off work, they went back up to the church to see if it were unlocked and if they could look for them there. The building was locked up, but several windows had been broken, so Booster and Richie phoned the police. The police took their statements, then they went to their mother's homes. No keys there either. Richie finally thought that he might have accidentally locked them in his car when he retrieved his church books. He hadn't, but it cost him $122 for the locksmith to discover it. Actually, the keys were right on the back seat of Booster's car the whole time. Booster felt so bad that she wrote Richie a check to cover the locksmith costs. Bill's only question about this whole story was what was Richie doing in the backseat that caused him to lose his keys?

Lessons That Last A Lifetime – January 18, 2008
Little Mrs. Bill has been sick, so the other day when Bill came home, she was still in her little sleeper. Mrs. Bill had found some cute kid hats at IKEA, and Little Mrs. Bill was wearing a silver one with antennas. She kind of looked like a Mexican wrestler, but she just kept repeating "I. Am. A. Space. Man." Bill wasn't sure where she learned that spacemen spoke like robots. Kerry suggested that she learned from watching Bill. Bill wasn't aware that Little Mrs. Bill was spying on his sex-play.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid – January 23, 2008
Kerry was stupid last night. Really stupid. He and Sue decided to break their diet, have a nice dinner, and do some drinking. Kerry was deep into his Wild Turkey 101 when they ran out of shows to watch on the Tivo. When they switched to the satellite feed, it wouldn't come in. There was too much snow up on the dish. Kerry announced that he and his inebriation were going up on the roof to clean off the dish. Sue usually gives Kerry a long, worried lecture before he does any roof work, but she was plied with enough wine as not to mind too much. Kerry made his way up into the knee deep snow, cleaned off the dish, and returned to the ground safely. When he woke up this morning, he realized just how stupid that was and how badly it could have turned out.

Our Son Kyle – January 29, 2008
Kyle is really concerned about all of the lonely people. Where do they all come from? It is unfortunate that there has only been one Kyle Brown to go around - until now. Introducing the "Kyle Be-Mine" inflatable Kyle. Kyle Be-Mine doesn't care how fat or stupid you may be. Kyle Be-Mine doesn't care that your car smells like a cat-box. Kyle Be-Mine is always there for you, no matter one. And, if you act now, you'll also get the "Pull My Finger" actuated voice-chip. You'll enjoy such classic Kyleisms as, "Oops. I did it again!", "Hit me baby one-more time", or the immortal, "Where's the beef!?" Kyle only has 1,800 of these, so send in your $3,995 dollars today!

(Please wait 4-6 weeks for delivery. Kyle Be-Mine is not actually alive and will not actually love you. While Kyle Be-Mine is anatomically correct, it is for entertainment and novelty purposes only. All sales of the Kyle Be-Mine are final. No refunds. No returns.)

 

What Knobs! - February 4, 2008
Today featured the first performance of the headset microphone on the Peggy Ijams Memorial Tie-line. The headset is hoped to allow Gina to better fuss with Mohamed and still make occasional comments for the benefit of the show. At first, Gina did not think there was mechanism for turning off the microphone when Mohamed began to wail. Gina, who doesn't know her knobs from a hole in the ground, turned one knob, but it didn't do anything. When Bill, who knows nothing about the equipment Gina is using, suggested that it was absurd that the box only had one knob that didn't do anything, Gina explained, "That's the knob." She then proceeded to turn another knob, which, oddly enough, cut her microphone. Gina really should give her knobs a daily twist.

Ask a Hypnotist – February 21, 2008
The remainder of the show, for the most part, was focused around Mr. Vincent Lords, the star of a local Las Vegas-style hypnotist act. Mr. Lords claims to have begun his hypnotism and magic act by successfully challenging magician David Blaine's buried-alive record while living in Los Angeles. He's also previously appeared in a circus side-show. Mr. Lords is accredited by the Guild of Hypnosis, a guild, oddly enough, of hypnosis.

Previous to his appearance, Mr. Lords authored an e-mail to Bill reading:

Thank you for allowing me to be on your program “Ask a Hypnotist.” I look forward to making this a successful contribution to your show. In doing so, I ask that we work together to make this fun for your listeners as well as those that are fans of my show that will be tuning in. I'm not interested in proving that hypnosis is real or convincing skeptics that I can hypnotize them, so please make sure that everyone in studio is there to promote a fun experience for everyone involved and not there to discredit me or my craft.

This sounded to Gina as if Mr. Lords wanted everyone in the studio to “play along.” Kerry had done some research about hypnosis, and wanted to ask Mr. Lords about the specific criticisms he had found. Gina was concerned that Mr. Lords was not informed as to what the “Ask a” feature was. Richie assured Kerry, Bill, and Gina that he had told him he would be asked a multitude of questions, including critical questions.

When Mr. Lords came into the studio, he tried to explain to Kerry that he could hypnotize him if Kerry would let him. Mr. Lords then role-played that he was a car salesman and asked Kerry if he could sell him a car and Kerry said, “No.” Mr. Lords then compared that to hypnotism, saying that he couldn't hypnotize Kerry if he didn't want him to.

To try and settle it for himself, Bill, who was skeptical, but somewhat less than Kerry, decided to try it for himself during the movie reviews. When he returned, Bill felt that something had happened, but he wasn't entirely sure what. He felt relaxed, and slightly groggy. Bill did not feel that Mr. Lords could have gotten him up and made him cluck like a Gina. The most that Bill allowed was his arm to rise when Mr. Lords suggested that there was a helium balloon attached to his arm. Bill knew there wasn't but, hypnotically, went along with the suggestion.

(Read the aftermath continued here and here.)

 

Party Girl – March 4, 2008
Bill attended yet another dinner at the home of his contractor, The Drunken Duncans. Kerry suspects that the Duncan's may be swingers or, worse, Xango retailers.

OH! - March 14, 2008
As her husband, Joe, travels often, Gina has had some experience with phone-sex. Richie has only had experience with phone-hand-holding. All that fake moaning and phony "Ooooohhh" and "Aaaaaaahhhh"? Why? Richie fails to understand that sometimes the "Ooooohhh" and "Aaaaaahhh" isn't fake or phony at all. What? Never mind, Richie. You'll learn after you grow up.

Unforgettable Quote – March 20, 2008
"I don't trust computers!  Ya know, I send him something with my information on it and I'm gonna get that gay-midget porn again!" - Bill Allred

Easter Eggs II – March 24, 2008
Though most of America celebrates Easter, it's a bit off Kerry's radar. In fact, on Sunday morning, Kerry went out and saw some folks running around their front lawn and couldn't figure out what they were doing. Finally he thought of it. He wasn't sure people still even hid Easter eggs. Gina had trouble hiding her Easter eggs. She didn't stick with the traditional Paz coloring set – it was some kind of oil-based coloring. The eggs were still wet when it was time to hide them.

Jonesie wasn't too impressed with the Easter Bunny's gifts, but was happy with Gina's gifts. “Thanks Mom.” Festus wasn't happy with anything. “Underwear? Really?”

At the Steadman household, Richie's mom hides money in plastic eggs. Richie would be happy to share his eggs with Kerry next year. No thanks. Next year, Kerry is going to paint mini-bottles and drunkenly hide them around the house. Then, weeks later, when he stumbles across them, he can say to himself, “Hey! The Liquor Bunny was here!

Episode #4915

Sign-offs

• "Every man has his price. Mine is $10.95."

• "Drugs cause amnesia and, some other things I can't remember."
  

Best Of
Radio From Hell is once again The Best Radio Show in Salt Lake City. X96 is the Best Radio Station in Salt Lake City. Zack Campbell is The Best Utahn. Thanks to everyone who voted for Radio From Hell, X96, and Zack Campbell.

Boners
1. "Hey, That Stiff is Breathing": A man attempting to burglarize a Madrid funeral home attempted to hide from authorities by pretending to be dead. Unfortunately for the would-be thief, he continued breathing and was dressed somewhat more shabbily than the other corpses.

2. "Them's My Kid's Pets": A Pennsylvania mother was arrested for endangering children after refusing to treat her two children's infestation of lice and continuing to send them to school.

3. "Judge Servaas Really Is": A Michigan judge is fighting to keep his job amid a number of different scandals. Staffers claim that Judge Servaas exposed himself in a jock-strap on at least one occasion. They also claim that the judge drew inappropriate cartoons in the margins of official court records, and made sexually-suggestive remarks to a female staffer at a party. Opponents also accuse Judge Servaas of actually living outside the area he represents - which may violate court statutes.

The inappropriate judge is Boner of the Day.

Jeff Vice
Jeff was unable to say anything about Nim's Island starring Jodie Foster. Apparently the studio doesn't want any reviews to come out early. That doesn't mean that it's a terrible movie that would receive terrible word of mouth. It just means that Jeff, who is not saying that it's a bad movie - nor a good movie, is unable to talk at all about this movie, that the studio, who wants to make money, doesn't want publicized.

Under the Same Moon is a sweet and sentimental movie about a little Mexican boy who travels to America in order to find his mother. It's a predictable tear-jerker, but it's charming. 2.5 stars.

Shine a Light is yet another documentary about The Rolling Stones - but it's good. They don't play the same, same, same, same songs they've played in every other documentary. Apparently the movie was filmed at the birthday party of Bill Clinton. 3 stars.

Leatherheads is just a screwball comedy about old-fashioned football. George Clooney plays the goofy but dapper lead against Rene Zellwegger, who manages to unscrunch her face long enough to give a really good performance. The banter between the two leads is really fun. 3 stars.

Snow Angels opened. Generic Film Festival Drama #501. Enjoy.

Thinking Ahead – October 1, 2007
When Gina moves, she might try thinking ahead about her new home. In her current home, she doesn't have any drawers in the bathroom and has to carry a basket of goods with her each morning. Bill also suggested that she look for a home with functioning windows. Unfortunately, Gina doesn't think she's going to be able to move any time soon. Joe went and found himself and earthquake map. Every place that Gina wants to live is in the “red.” Gina isn't really worried about an earthquake. Surely it will be another 50 years or so before an earthquake happens. Actually, Bill thinks that The Rapture will happen before that. He even has Rapture insurance so he won't be left behind.

B.A.SH Quick Summary – October 6, 2007
Gina got herself a golf cart, but she couldn't ride it during the show. The pregnant women in China do a lot of walking, but if they had a golf cart like Gina "Remain Seated" Barberi, they'd use it. Ex-wives lie all the time, except for Gina. Gina's swollen, gestational feet won't fit into any of her fancy shoes, so, for the first time in recorded history, Gina wore sensible shoes to The Big Ass Show. Bill was accosted by petty authority whilst trying to use a broken ATM. If you've listened to Bill for even five minutes, you know that he's all about sticking it to the poor. Some sheep were brought in to help The Salt Palace smell more like the fairgrounds. In fact, Twitchy Phil was helpful by making a deposit near the broken ATM. Kerry has Redrum on the brain.

“If I woke up lookin' like that, I would run to the nearest living thing and kill it.”

Punks' Move Review and Junk Food Update – October 9, 2007
Nothing gets Punk out of his sick-bed like Thong Girl 3. If you do wrong, you'll answer to The Thong. Something about a prison break, a keister-cannon back-fire, and some green gas. Rap and country don't mix well, and Thong Girl saves the day. 3 1/2 Prozac and some Dramamine. Have a meat lovers pizza, some Funyons (put them on the pizza), a box of lucky charms, Whoppers, a fruit cake, some Nic-a-Lics, some Sir Issac Lime Otter Pops, a tub of pralines and creme, and a glass of Capri Sun Wild Cherry with an Apple Martini Chaser.

Read the rest of the review @ http://punksmovies.livejournal.com

Morning Ramble – October 17, 2007
Gina finally has her glider from...some store. Bill accidentally ate the label on his apple, but still isn't going to take his Provigil pill. Richie got in trouble before the microphones when on and again when B.F.O.P Michelle indicated that she was called only 20 hours before the show. Now, Gina can't reach her keyboard to look up obscure comedians. Michelle isn't particularly happy about being Slain Polygamist Leader, Atropos' second-wife.

Taking Sides – October 23, 2007
After a vigorous tango on her dancing show last night, Marie Osmond passed out. Apparently she forgets to breathe. Kerry indicated that Marie looked akin to an equine animal. Gina was quick to point out that Marie looked great; she's lost weight! Kerry then derided Ms. Osmond's skills as a mother. Gina was quick to point out that Marie was a fine, fine mother; she's on the comeback trail! Kerry went on to accuse Ms. Osmond of pill-popping and drunken behavior. Gina rushed to Marie's defense; Marie neither pops pills nor drinks, nor swears, nor does any unkind, nor unseemly thing. At this point, Bill sold Gina straight up the river. Though no specific reasons were given, Gina is either unable or unwilling to say anything unkind about Marie Osmond. It was alluded that the reason may have something to do with the will of The Sainted Mary Claire, or maybe a past professional relationship, but the details were kept safely off the air.

Ginacus Barbareas – October 23, 2007
During gestation, a gina's nose continues to grow and swell. This, of course, can lead to snoring and breathing problems during the traditional time of rest. Seeking relief, the gina will often search out the advice of a medical professional. The medical professional will commonly advise the gina to avoid spray decongestants, which can lead to addictive use. When a saline solution is suggested, the gina will snort and mock the medical professional indicating that using a saline solution is no different than plain water. The gina will then return to the tribe in a suffering state while using frequent complaints in a reclined position.

New Game – October 23, 2007
Little Bill and Little Mrs. Bill have a new game that Bill has to stop. It's called, "Watch Out For That Pie Truck!" Basically the game involves Little Bill, as the Pie Truck, attempting to run down Little Mrs. Bill. As amused as Bill was, he had to demand that Little Bill stop running over his sister.

Acting 101 – November 13, 2007
Yesterday, Bill was filming some scenes for Trent Harris' Delightful Water Universe. How does Bill act so well? He pretends to be the person he is portraying in the film, Vicious. How does he know what to say? Mr. Harris wrote down the words in a script. How does Bill know where to stand? Trent Harris told him. Bill had to pretend to watch Vicious' wife's airplane land at the airport. Bill then had to pretend to talk on Trent's cell phone. Bill didn't even have the script with him. Bill learned the words and used the words, but do not be confused; he is not really Vicious.

Cheerwars Episode I – November 14, 2007
Bill made an off-handed comment that he considered cheerleaders, in general, to be superior in looks to their drill team collegues. Gina whole-heartedly disagreed with all of the might of her powerful thigh-slap. Kerry sort-of agreed with Bill, but he really enjoyed dating a member of the drill team. She was voluptuous in all the right places. He had to agree, however, that cheerleaders were usually the more hot, popular students. Many, many, many friends of the program seemed to disagree and quoted such movies as Bring It On, a thoughtful and informative piece of cinema history. One F.O.P wrote in to describe how the drill team really worked hard – from 5:00am to 9:00am, six days a week. The cheerleaders occasionally bother to stumble into the school at 7:00am all hung-over and full of love.

Makeshift Reality – November 14, 2007
Richie is considering charging Booster rent. Not because she sleeps over, in his bed, with Richie, not engaging in coitus, but because Richie loses so much sleep when she does stay over, in his bed, with Richie, not engaging in coitus. Should Richie ever marry Booster, which he has not yet, which is why they are not engaged in coitus, Richie and Booster will probably have separate rooms. Richie will be able to visit Booster's room for coitus, which they are not engaged in now, because they are not married, but will then retire to his own room. Richie needs what little sleep he can get and sleeping in the same bed with Booster, with whom he is not engaged in coitus, is somewhat unrestful.

Check Your Sign – November 14, 2007
Bill was driving by the KFC and was somewhat perplexed by their three-line sign:

10 pc Corn
Dog Nugget
Combo

Kitties, and Snakes, and Mary Claire – November 21, 2007
Bill had a dream about The Sainted Mary Claire. No, it wasn't a sex dream. In his dream, Bill had arrived at the grand estate that is Rio Lobo in Huntsville. Bill was walking across the front “lawn” that had been stripped down to the dirt. As he entered the house, there was a giant bed right there in the front. The top of the bed was covered in little kitties and snakes – like boa constrictors. The snakes and kitties were kind of snuggling together on top of the bed. Bill made his way into the next room where The Sainted Mary Claire was seated. Bill asked, “What's with all the kitties and the snakes? Don't the snakes, like, eat the kitties?” Mary Claire looked up at Bill, shrugged and answered, “Yeah, sometimes.” Then Daddy Gary walked up behind Mary Claire and said, “Yup. Sometimes.”

You Dirty Rat! - November 28, 2007
Bill went home early yesterday to watch Little Mrs. Bill while Mrs. Bill went out. Bill was working on his computer and Little Mrs. Bill was working on her computer. It was a nice, quiet afternoon until Bill's phone rang. The caller ID reported it as “Utah Public Schools.” It was Little Bill. The assistant principal wanted to speak with Bill. Little Bill was in the office because other students reported that he had been swearing; the s-word, and the f-word. The 'disturbing' thing for The Assistant. Principal was that Little Bill had indicated hearing the words from Bill and Mrs. Bill. The first thought that crossed Bill's mind was, “You little rat!” The Assistant Principal wondered what punishment Bill thought appropriate for the behavior. Bill hoped that Little Bill would not be suspended as Little Bill had been suspended before and enjoyed it too much. The Assistant Principal agreed and suggested they put him on in-school suspension; keeping him in the office for the rest of the day.

When Bill picked Little Bill up from school, he asked him about the in-school suspension. It was 'pretty cool', as Little Bill was allowed to read his book all afternoon. Bill suggested that the school needs to invest in a number of pint-sized orange jumpsuits and put these kids to work instead of suspending them. Kerry suggested that Little Bill needed to watch Godfather Pt. 2 in order to learn about loyalty.

Sexy Time – November 29, 2007
The Blue Boutique, after being kicked out of their current location, are seeking to move just up the street. NOW the community is up and arms that they sell sex toys. In fact, council-member-elect, J.T. Martin, claimed to have seen dildos and "masturbation kits" from up to 10 feet away from the store! Ignoring the fact that this is next to impossible as the marital aides are kept way in the back of the store, Gina really just wanted to know what a masturbation kit could be. Bill didn't know what they sold at The Blue Boutique, but at The Allred residence, a masturbation kit is a magazine, some lotion, and a gym sock without a mate. Mate-less socks are useful for cleaning up any kind of spill.

All Over The Place – November 30, 2007
Kerry got his first Xmas card this week. There was a lentil hiding in Kerry's oatmeal packet. Gina would have thrown the whole thing out as contaminated, but Kerry ate it. He likes lentils. Gina has finally given up. She's so damn tired of this pregnancy. The past two mornings she has just sat down, hunched over her cinnamon-roll-like “breakfast” and a huge Diet Coke. Later, she'll ask an intern to track her down one, if not two, packages of Ding-Dongs or Ho-Hos. The Brookstone nose-hair trimmers don't work. The only thing that Bill has found that really works well are the scissors off his swiss army knife. Kerry's brother-in-law had his nose-hair waxed. He claims it was the most excruciating thing he had ever experienced. The Brookstone also sells one of the largest masturbatory devices Bill has ever seen; the iGallop. Last night, Gina was all alone with Jonesie for dinner, and she'll be damned if she didn't just go to Wendy's and buy Jonesie some chicken nuggets. When Joe finally got home, Gina just burst into tears – for no reason. Kerry wonders why anyone would intentionally put themselves through an ordeal like this. Bill explained; because after a few years you can wake up to your son vomiting and pooping in the bed and find out that he has a 103 degree temperature. Then, after you son has spent all day on the couch, but still can't move up to his bedroom, you pick him up and begin to carry him upstairs. Your son then looks up at you deliriously and says, “I don't know what I'd do without you, Dad.”

The Fringe of Society – December 4, 2007
As Gina sets her laptop on the ottoman of her glider and sits up to use it, she likes to stroke the fringe on the blanket she sits on. This amused Bill a great deal. Orpha managed to sponge the eye-custard off her face long enough to discuss the health effects of Brazilian waxes with a doctor on her show. The doctor seemed to believe that there is an obvious, evolutionary reason that we have hair were we have it. It prevents chaffing and collects pheromones. Tiffany is still not going to grow out her arm-pit hair. Bill is relatively certain that collecting pheromones is illegal in the state of Utah.

Growing Up Gina – December 12, 2007
Festus is old enough that he's had to start wearing deodorant. Gina let him pick it out, but it had to be something that smelled so she could be sure he put it on. As Festus comes out of the shower in the morning she asks, "Did you do it?" If he raises his arm and lets her sniff, he can go to school. Gina just doesn't want Festus to be the smelly kid. Each and ever person who attended elementary school can name "The Smelly Kid" from their class. Bill got the deodorant talk from one of he P.E. coaches. The coach handed out the deodorant and ensured that everyone put it on. If you didn't, you had to go through the spankin' machine.

When discussing the deodorant, Gina didn't bring up "the birds and the bees." Fortunately, she's currently gestating, which takes some of the awkwardness out of that conversation. Bill wondered if Gina had given Festus the "Don't Touch Your Cousin That Way" speech yet. No! Gina shouldn't have to do that. Well, Bill needed it, as did Kerry. Kerry was told that he couldn't be involved with his cousins because they would have monster babies. At first, Kerry was intrigued. Monster babies? Perhaps he could train them to do his bidding.

Gestational Distress – December 14, 2007
Last night, Gina just couldn't sleep. She was uncomfortable and miserable. By 3:00am, it was completely unbearable. She decided to take a nice hot bath. She put the plug in – the tub – and started the hot water. She added the bubble bath and then went to get a Perrier. When she got back, she got into the tub. Unfortunately, she was already sitting down by the time she realized that the water was freezing cold. Gina's historical water heater doesn't work particularly well, and is only good a few times a day. Gina, in the gestational condition she is in, couldn't get herself up and out easily. She called for Joe, but Joe has taken to wearing ear-plugs as Gina's gestational nose sound somewhat akin to a chainsaw. Gina finally managed to free herself, threw herself into bed and informed Joe that she wasn't working today.

Spider In My Bed – July 11, 2007
Bill managed to discover the whereabouts of the spider that bit Twitchy Phil, but didn't have time to question it.  It was located in one of the high-ceiling corners of Bill's bathroom.  The spider backed itself into a corner and repeatedly chanted, "You can't see me."  Gina wondered if the spider had been infected with Tourette's after biting Phil.  Maybe it would start to bark like Phil occasionally does.  Like those barking Spiders from Tennessee, or Australia, or something.  Gina seemed a bit confused.  Bill and Kerry informed Gina that there was no such thing as a species of arachnid known as "A Barking Spider."  The term, "barking spider", is a humorous euphemism for flatulence.  Gina didn't believe them.  She managed to find an entry in the Urban Dictionary for a Barking Spider, a rare and largely unseen specimen attracted to the scent of bratwurst sausages, sauerkraut, and Taco Tuesday.  There was even a picture of The Barking Spider's burrow.  Bill chose not to look at the image.

Kerry's Complete Childhood Journal – July 12, 2007

December 25, 1977
We really had a good Christmas this year. I got a gas-powered Volkswagen, film viewer, Silly Swords, and an Oscar the Grouch radio, and a set of headphones for my stereo, and a Groucho Marx record. The family got a game of Chutes Away, and a TV game. Well, I've got to be going. Merry Christmas!

December 26, 1977
Tonight I went to see Star Wars again. I get to see it every night that it plays at the Hewish Theater. It's real neat.

December 27, 1977
Ditto.

December 28, 1977
Same here.

December 29, 1977
Also.

October 5, 1978
Ooops. Sorry I left you hanging like that. Almost a whole year. Today is October 5, 1978. If you're wondering, I haven't changed much.

March 20, 1982
Tell me, what was it like just sitting around for about four years? I have changed quite a lot over the years. I went through my “maturation” period I guess. During those years, I have become president of our Drama Club at the High School. I've done a lot these past years. I've changed a lot. Well, there's a quick update. Very rough. Very sketchy. But it'll do. See ya tomorrow.

March 21, 1982
Just an ordinary Sunday. I know what you're saying, “Big deal.” So? You wanted to know!

March 22, 1982

April 8, 1982
As you can tell, I'm too busy being rebellious to write in this everyday. So I'll write in it once in a while, or when my world starts falling apart around me or something.

The Egyptian Hypocrite – July 19, 2007
Yesterday, Gina took Festus with her to the supermarket. Festus asked if he could have a treat. Gina conceded and allowed him to pick out some cookies. Some Chips A'Hoy as it turns out. Gina allowed Festus to have a couple of cookies before dinner, and a cookie or two after dinner. Festus asked for more, but the nutritionally minded Gina refused.

At about 12:30am, Gina heard a rustling in the kitchen. Festus was up and sneaking cookies! Gina got out of bed and stomped into the kitchen, only to find her loving husband indulging in the mediocre cookie treat. Gina was then overcome with a craving for Joe's cookies, and went back to bed.

The Endless List – July 25, 2007
To the list of odd, irrational, and stupid things that Gina has an opinion about, add artificial plants.  She HATES them.  Gina feels that if someone can't keep a plant alive, they shouldn't have anything.  Don't just get a fake one.  Fake plants do nothing but collect dust.  If you need decorations, and a real plant won't survive, you can have pictures of real plants.  Gina, you are smart and beautiful; that's exactly the same thing.  F.O.P Roger couldn't figure out if Gina hated plants or "implants"?  Gina likes implants.  She has some of those, and she dusts them, and they look nice.

Cooking For Kids – August 2, 2007
Bill realized that his kids are at an age where they only want to eat certain things. This led to a discussing with Mrs. Bill about having certain things every week on the same night. Taco Tuesday was a natural selection as it is highly alliterative. Gina suggested Thaco Thursday, but then Little Bill would wonder just what the hell a Thaco was. Kerry does the same thing at his house. Margarita Monday, Tequila Tuesday, and Falling-down-drunk Friday.

Gina and Joe had a similar discussion last night. This discussion was brought up when Joe had a craving for some Cedar Plank salmon from the grill and called to ask Gina to soak his plank. Joe then decreed that 2008 will be the year of no-more-special-meals. Joe will cook one thing for dinner and everyone will eat it, including Gina! Gina initially thought this was mostly aimed at Festus, but really it's Gina that needs to change her habits.

Unforgettable Quote – August 14, 2007
"I've got no hair on my danglies." - Kerry Jackson

The Million Dollar Dinner – August 14, 2007
While at the radio boot-camp, Todd and Erin, who have more money than God, invited Bill, Mrs. Bill, Kerry, and Sue to a fine dining experience at Charlie Trotter's, a famous Chicago-area restaurant. Todd and Erin asked Kerry and Bill if they should invite Gina, but knowing that she would stubbornly refuse to try anything on the menu, they thought it better not to mention it. The dinner consisted of about 15 exotic-courses, six bottles of fine wine, and a huge bottle of Belgium ale. It was a meal fit for a king - a king with a large treasury. When the check came, everyone decided to split the total evenly between the three couples. Bill's portion, including gratuity, came to $844.16. Bill has never, ever spent that kind of money on food. The mean itself was about $200, but the wine was what really raised the stakes. Bill and Mrs. Bill then had a long conversation as to which children they could afford to feed this month.

Splash – August 16, 2007
Gina was wet this morning. Really wet. And sticky. She didn't pee herself, nor did her water break. She was drinking an orange-juice on the way to work, neglected to screw the cap on properly, and spilled it all over herself as she exited the car. Bill offered to help by having an intern drive over to Gina's house to pick up a clean pair of squirrel-covers, but Gina refused. In the old days, Gina used to keep a clean pair of panties with her wherever she went. She never knew when she might see a high-school track team training and have to pull over and sip a diet iced-tea while observing if any of the athletes displayed any cougar-osity.

Neglected News – August 16, 2007
Elvis is dead. Elvis didn't do no drugs.

The Pants are on Fire – August 22, 2007
Gina is a liar. Atropos managed to find reference on the November 14, 2005 episode of Radio From Hell that proved it. On that date, Gina emphatically claimed, at least twice, that she was not going to have another baby. However, here it is, August 2006, and Gina is gestating yet again. Kerry even predicted the future on that November day. Kerry predicted that Gina would forget all of the miseries of being pregnant, Jonesie would be too big to cuddle after 18-months, and Gina would need something new to cuddle. Gina claims that she really did not intend to have another baby, but that Joe gave her the look, and Gina was putty in his hands. After that, Joe just had to release his all-powerful genie from the bottle, and it was all over.

You Think Your S**t Don't Stink? - August 24, 2007
Yesterday, Bill was home alone with Little Mrs. Bill. Bill had to use the restroom, to drop a deuce, but there was no way that Little Mrs. Bill was going to play quietly outside. She wanted to stay in the large master bathroom with Bill. When Bill was finished, he used the last of the toilet paper. Little Mrs. Bill was excited; she got to change the roll! Little Mrs. Bill got the new roll, walked over by the toilet, then exclaimed, "Ah, Dad, I can't stand the smell of your poop!"

Gina's Mutterings – August 27, 2007
"There's nothing there? What do they mean there's nothing there? My husband wants to build a house out of cans and tires. Hmmm, I seem to be pregnant again. How do they know it's not just something they don't know about yet? I don't want worms in my coffee table. Guess I ought to maybe eat something. Mary Claire will probably be disappointed if she notices a worm in my house. Voldemort can't possibly kill Harry Potter can he? If we have a compost pile, we'll probably have rats in the yard. I don't want my house smelling like raccoons. Why do they keep removing the trans-fats from my favorite foods? Turkey bacon really isn't bacon. What's the point? My sunglasses are on the dashboard. Was I supposed to remember something, or did I put them up there because I was in a hurry? Why does Kerry keep talking about the Dunkin' Dounuts coffee? Easy Mac is colored with bugs. I hope Festus doesn't find out. I guess Mother Theresa won't be a saint now. I hope Joe goes out for drinks with Christine so I can eat fried food. What time is it? Is The Crown Burger open yet?"

Our Son Kyle – August 28, 2007
While Kyle is waiting for pale and pink-eyed to come back into fashion, he met with a very inspiring individual. Every once in a while you meet someone who changes your life; Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society, Willy Wonka, Powder. Kyle met Ronnie Hunter. Ronnie is 13-years-old. When he was 9-years-old, Ronnie was attacked by a train. He was placing pennies on the railroad tracks and was struck from behind. Ronnie was thrown into a depression full of Ditch-Dwelling, Leg-Eating Carp, and lost his legs. Did Ronnie give up? Yes he did. He now receives a $793 stipend from the state, pays only $211 in rent, and has his medical care provided free of charge. Kyle was deeply touched and now has a sack full of pennies. See ya!

Secret Sounds – August 30, 2007
Gina went to the gym yesterday to start her pregnancy training. Bill was at the gym as well. Bill really works up a sweat when he's at the gym. Kerry can't sweat that much. He wishes he could. Sweat out some of the alcohol so he could replace it later.

The gym wasn't very crowded and Gina was on one side of the gym and Bill was on the other. Gina suddenly heard some sort of grunting. She looked across the gym to see Bill doing some military presses - and grunting with exertion. Gina then realized that she was hearing the same noises that Bill probably makes during sex. She figured that, if he's grunting with exertion at the gym, when he's doing something really worthwhile, he must give it his all. By that same rational, Bill heard Gina's sex sounds, and was deafened by the silence.

Gaseous Anomaly – September 7, 2007
Tom "The Button Pusher" Martinez has a sister who is engaged in the act of gestation. Tom had noticed an increased occurrence of flatulence when in the presence of his sister. As Gina is the only other gestating woman Tom knows, he thought he'd ask Gina if that was usual. Although it is common is most women, Gina still still claims that she has yet to excrete any flatus during her lifetime.

Bill, on the other hand, does have occasional intestinal distress. He tires to hold it until he can gets home so that he can entertain the children. Unfortunately, sometimes, release is unavoidable. Though Gina has sat next to Bill, lo these many years, she's never noticed. Bill was surprised. She certainly should have noticed Bill's secret smell.

When Kerry has to chase away the barking spiders, Bill always knows. Kerry walks out of the studio very, very quickly, from the knees down.

Remain Seated Please – September 7, 2007
While traveling to The Gateway yesterday, Gina carpooled with Bill. As they got into the car, Bill noticed that his tire-pressure indicator was active. Bill expressed his displeasure, and Gina agreed; she hates having to take the car into the dealer when the tire-pressure light engages. What? Yeah, they usually tell her it's just a change in the ambient temperature, then they put some more air in the tires......Bill was dumbfounded. Gina takes her car into the dealer when her tire-pressure light is on? Yes. Yes she does. After all, she might have to bend over to get to the tire, and she's scared of the air-compressor.

The Bishop – September 18, 2007
Atropos came across Gina's first list of Things That Must Go written following her pregnancy with Jonesie:

From January 18, 2006

• Nipples

• Swelling

• The need for Tucks Medicated Pads

• Not having time to get your nails done so that your son tells you that you look like a witch.

• Maternity clothes that no longer fit but are all you have because the rest of your clothes are in storage along with the good rocking chair.

• The girdle that The Sainted Mary Claire makes you wear.

Bill was curious if Gina still had her girdle. No. The Sainted Mary Claire doesn't trust Gina to keep her girdle. Mary Claire keeps it in storage until after the pregnancy. Gina is glad to have The Sainted Mary Claire and her trademark honesty. Who else would inform Gina of every single one of her flaws? Bill's grandmother was similar. When Bill first developed a little bit of a pot-belly, she told him, "You've got quite a bishop on you." Bill wasn't entirely sure why a pot-belly was referred to as a 'bishop.' Are there no 'fit bishops' in the church? Kerry doesn't know, but he's pretty sure that "Fit Bishop" is either the name of a pub in London, or a sex-position.

Our Son Kyle – September 25, 2007
Kyle's finally done it; he finally has his own line of packaged food products. Kyle noticed that everyone has to eat, so it just makes financial sense to create some well-rounded, edible products, from KyleCo. KyleCo is starting off with three products specifically targeted to certain demographics. The first is "Man-naise", a thick creamy sauce with a bold flavor. Simply shake the plastic bottle and give it an easy squeeze to man-up any dish. Mom's, are you tired of fighting with your kids to eat their breakfast? Why should the first-meal of the day always be a fight? Simply pull out some of KyleCo's Baby Batter, animal shaped pancakes. What about hotdogs? With some of Kyle's Gentleman's Relish, you can turn any bland ol' weiner into something you'll truly savor. Kyle is having some trouble getting his KyleCo products on the store shelves, but until then, just look for his cart at the corner of State and Main.

Promises – September 26, 2007
Richie's girlfriend, Booster, gave him a promise ring. Richie wanted to return the favor. He also wanted to get her a set of scriptures, so he bought both. He also though he's surprise her by putting the ring inside the front cover of the "quad", so it would fall out as she opened it. Richie check the ring, then wrapped the scriptures. When Booster opened the scriptures, nothing fell out. Richie told her to look for something else. She went through the whole book; nothing. Richie then looked in the box, the car, his pockets, etc. Nothing. It disappeared. Bill thinks this was a message from The Almighty. He doesn't want Richie and Booster getting serious, so he translated the ring directly to heaven. Gina thinks that there never was a ring, and the missing ring is just an excuse. Bill doesn't buy it. That ring was called home by God.

Unforgettable Quote – May 1, 2007
"I'm gonna have to scrape off my Dick Trickle sticker." - Bill Allred

Unforgettable Quote – May 11, 2007
You clutched my personal hair and ripped it out by the roots.” - Bill Allred

Killing the Dream – May 14, 2007
Although Gina has expressed her desired for a gay son in shows past, Gina decided that Festus didn't need a Care Bear anymore. She saw it in his toy box and decided to give it to the D.I., without asking or talking to Festus about it. Yet one more thing Festus will have to explain to his life partner, Frank, and their therapist.

Boring Story – May 15, 2007
Bill road his bike to a local coffee shop to get a pound of French roast coffee. Does Bill always get French roast? Yes. The proprietor of the coffee shop wondered if Bill wanted to have some coffee for the road. Bill thought about it, but thought it would be too difficult to drink on the bike. The proprietor then suggested that Bill suck down an espresso. That worked for Bill. He told Mrs. Bill about it later.

Fixin' The Plumbin' – May 15, 2007
Gina and family were up at Joe's parents house when Joe came out and asked his mother where the plunger was. On the way home, Gina asked Joe why he needed a plunger. It was for Festus. No, Festus wasn't half-way flushed down the toilet. Apparently Festus needs to add more fiber to his diet. He doesn't like to eat any fruits or vegetables, so he's constantly “dropping bricks.” Bill wondered if Joe had to check the consistency, or if there was just a lot of screaming coming from the bathroom. Not really. Festus just has a lot of problems with the toilet “not working”, and it needs to be plunged. Whenever there was screaming coming from the bathroom when Bill was a child, his mother would just ask them if they had a turd caught crosswise.

To help Festus, Gina promised to go to the store and buy some fruits and vegetables and encourage Festus to eat it. Recalling Bill's tremendous success with Little Mrs. Bill, Kerry suggested that she pick up a large box of raisins.

Unforgettable Quote – May 15, 2007
“What's the matter? You got a turd caught crosswise?” - Nola Allred

Unforgettable Quote #2 – May 15, 2007
“And now, the ABC After School Special, Raisins For Festus.” - Kerry Jackson

Unforgettable Quote #3 – May 15, 2007
“You're the one who's going to have to explain to our son what 'banging a stripper' means.” - Mrs. Bill

More on Drive-Thrus – May 23, 2007
If you take into account all of the time that Gina sits in her car, waiting at the drive-thru, she doesn't just have a carbon footprint; she has a carbon ass-print. Gina doesn't understand this hostility to the drive-thru. Bill just thinks that it's better and healthier to go into The Crown Burger. No way. Gina wouldn't do that. It's filthy in there. Gina won't go in the restaurant to dine, but she'll eat the food that comes out? Out of sight, out of mind. Gina can taste microwaves, but apparently she can't taste rat droppings or cat hair.

Bill and Richie's Big Gay Hike – May 25, 2007
Bill really didn't want to go to the gym yesterday, so Richie suggested that they go on a hike together.  Richie gayed it up by wearing his red, white, and blue clown-shoe boots. Bill and Richie couldn't really talk on the way up as it was pretty strenuous, but on the way down, the conversation descended with them, eventually leading to a discussion on prostate health.  While on his two-year religious vacation, Richie went a whole day without urinating.  He didn't want to ask any of the people he was visiting to use the bathroom, so he just continued to hold it.  The next day he couldn't stop going.  He went to a urologist, Dr. Dick Tapper, who gave him an ultrasound.  The tests showed that Richie was probably fine, but Dr. Tapper wanted to get a sperm sample to double-check.  Richie had to explain that he wasn't married, so getting a sperm sample himself would require an activity that his religious institution considered sinful.

When Richie returned home, his mother insisted that he go see another urologist and see what, if any damage, he had caused to himself.  This urologist also wanted a sperm sample to test for damage.  Again, Richie publicly refused to engage in that activity, so the urologist informed Richie that there was another way to extract Richie's emissions without any pleasure whatsoever.  Going in another way, the urologist was able to massage out the necessary fluid.  After that, Richie really didn't understand how gay men actually enjoyed sex.  Bill informed Richie that if he had just had a couple of drinks in him, he might understand better.

After the pleasant conversation related above, further down the trail Richie noticed a squirrel up in a tree.  Richie paused to take a photograph of the animal and informed Bill that it was a momma-squirrel.  Bill asked how Richie was privy to that information, and Richie said, "Look at those nipples."  Sue correctly observed that it takes a very, very sexually repressed man to notice squirrel nipples.

Too Many Hens in the Hen-House – May 31, 2007
Joe's latest hippie idea is to participate in the Urban Chicken Project.  The idea is to have a small population of chickens for insect control, fertilizer, eggs, and ultimately, food.  Gina is appalled.  They only have a 10'x10' back-yard and Joe already wants to take up some of that space with a compost heap.  Besides that, they live in the hood, have two dogs, and Gina doesn't like to get dirty outside of the bedroom.  Bill thinks that Gina should let Joe do it.  She really doesn't do anything for him besides getting dirty in the bedroom and making him a dirty martini after work.  This is something Joe would really enjoy and could really make him happy.  Joe and Gina just need to erect a chicken wire fence to keep the chickens in and the dogs, cats, and hood-rats out.

A New Machine – June 1, 2007
Yesterday, Bill had to go down to the dealership to pick up the license plates for his new car. He thought Little Mrs. Bill might like to go, but she really didn't. Bill told her how there would be free popcorn and Sprite. No, she really didn't want to go. Bill then told her that there would be treats. Little Mrs. Bill's interest was aroused; she inquired as to the type of treat that would be given. Bill didn't know, but was sure there would be something. Ok. Little Mrs. Bill was in.

As they were waiting at the dealership, eating popcorn, Little Mrs. Bill abruptly announced, "I need to poop." She then inquired as to the location of the ladies room. Bill told her that he couldn't go in the ladies room, so she'd have to go in the men's room. After Little Mrs. Bill was done with her business, they exited the stalls. She then noticed the urinals on the wall - and stared inquisitively at the hanging devices and inquired as to their purpose. Bill tried to explain that since boys can stand while going pee, they were for boys to use. Bill then proceeded to demonstrate their use. After he was finished, Little Mrs. Bill seemed to understand, "Oh, pee-machines. That's handy."

Little G. - June 5, 2007
Gina was late this morning because Joe arrived home late last night.  Joe had been camping and came home with a three day growth.  Gina had to take care of the three-day growth, which necessitated a second shower this morning.  Joe claimed to have gone camping at The Little Grand Canyon with a school friend.  Bill suspects that Joe and his school friend really went camping with a couple of "cougars" at the Little America Bar, and later went and saw Little Grand Canyon perform at Golden Trails.

Quick Recap – June 7, 2007
(Author's note: I have very little time this evening to recap the show. I sincerely apologize.)

Kerry met Patton Oswalt. He was cool; a comic book nerd. Jeanine Garofalo was tiny and hot and covered with tattoos. When residents of Ogden were asked to name their favorite meal, 5 out of 10 answered, “Bread.” When Matthew Godfrey was told about this phenomenon, he was astonished, “That's almost half!” Little Bill was once found in the front yard in black-face makeup. Bill was appalled. When asked what he was doing, Little Bill replied, “I'm an ant!” Say goodbye to indoor smoking, service stations, the Soviet threat (unless G.W. has his way), typewriters, vinyl record, New Coke, carbon paper, Beta Max, phone booth, leaded gas, rotary-dial phones. MTV showing music videos, Baltimore Colts, Oldsmobile, pull tabs, civility, The West African Black Rhinoceros, hand crank car windows, home run kings, hair bands, The afternoon paper, transistor radios, Michael Jackson, and Checker Cabs. Jeff Vice saw some movies. The Hotel Heiress That Shall Not Be Named was released from prison due to hemorrhoids.

Asses was kicked, names was taken, love was made.

Bill's Jokes – June 11, 2007
Bill tends to remember some very obscure jokes from odd magazines:

Q: What's the difference between a sandstorm and a Martian fart?

A: The sandstorm doesn't smell bad.

Q: What's the difference between a Venitian hooker and a jar of grape jelly?

A: The grape jelly doesn't have hair in it.

Pulling an Allred – June 19, 2007
Kerry's dad, Mr. Jackson, is having a few heart problems.  This past weekend, Mr. Jackson was in the hospital for some chest pains.  They found a couple of blockages and thought they had fixed any problems.  Yesterday morning, however, Mr. Jackson started having some really bad, ebbing headaches, and some heart rate concerns.  Kerry left the show early to watch as the doctor's ruled out some of the various, possible causes.  Since it's during the week, Kerry's diet has consisted mostly of a lot of fruit and vegetables, which leaves Kerry somewhat gassy.  Since there is no smoking in the ICU, Kerry figured they probably would prefer if there wasn't any farting either.  Not being able to hold on much longer, Kerry decided to visit the restroom.  Unfortunately, Kerry was greeted by one of the world's most surprising things; a fart with a lump in it.  Kerry had to clean himself up and go commando for the rest of the day.

Ruining The Show – June 19, 2007
In vulgar human fashion, Gina and Joe have decided to breed again.  Yes, your host, Gina "B.M.", "Traveling Pants", "Knuckles", "Bacon Crumbs", "Hoochie Bacon", "Boob Fluff" Barberi is, once again, pregnant.  Of course, just as when Gina was having Jonesie, this won't affect the show at all.  Gina will be at the studio for every single show.  Every single show, except Thursday.  Thursday, Gina has a doctor's appointment at 8:00am.

Don't Forget – June 22, 2007
"The Penis Padlock is The Official Party-Pooper of Summer."

Yo! Ho! Yo! Ho! - June 25, 2007
Bill was visiting with his friends from Seattle at their cabin. Bill's friend, Gibby, is an accomplished sailor and took some of the family out on a small craft called a "Hobie Cat." Bill was the last to go out. At one point, the wind died down a bit, so Gibby was busy trying to find the wind. Gina wondered what would have happened if the wind had completely died. With most boats, she observed, they also have a motor. Bill was curious as to how Gina knew that this boat didn't have any motor. Since Gina "Motor Mount" Barberi had been on a Hobie Cat once in her life, she knew that they were much to small to have a motor. Atropos quickly sent specifications of a Hobie Cat that did, in fact, have a motor mount. Gina gestated.

As Gibby was trying to find the wind, suddenly one of the pontoons from the boat shot up into the air, and the boat capsized, leaving Bill and Gibby in the cold mountain reservoir. Fortunately they were both ok and, with the help of another passing boat, were able to get the boat righted. While sailing back to the shore, Gibby and Bill noticed that no one was left on the pier. There was no one to witness their exploits. The two took solace in the Cracker Jack and rum inside the cabin.

Things To Know About Ogden – April 2, 2007
Ogden sometimes gets a bad reputation, but Bill is happy to inform all Utahns of some prestigious Ogden statistics. First of all, Ogden is the city in America where you are most likely to get hit in the head with a beer bottle. Second, Ogden will be hosting the World Dirt Clod War Championship 2008. It will be held in a new stadium that is being build on the dirt pile that used to be the Ogden City Mall. The "We're Not Really" Sublime Tribute band is traveling from Lewiston, ID to open the event.

Horse Crap – April 9, 2007
Bill's father, Warren, didn't like Bill's horse crap, but he used to get a giant load of horse crap every year and spread it over the lawn. The neighbors complained because the horse crap, oddly enough, smelled like horse crap. This was, of course, before Warren started spending all of his time in his bedroom. This was when Warren spent a great deal of time in the potting shed with his friend Mr. Beam.

Easter Gun – April 9, 2007
Everyone buys guns for Bill's kids but Bill and Mrs. Bill. “Nana” bought each of the kids the Western Family equivalent of a super soaker. Of the three “Blaster Water Soaker” guns that were purchased, only one worked – and it reminded Bill of an old man with a prostate problem.

Swords – April 9, 2007
While working in Ogden, Bill used to have to interview and hire board operators for the radio station. It didn't pay a lot of money, but Bill found one guy who really impressed him. The guy was really nice, professional, and happy to work for what the station paid. Unfortunately the guy didn't show up for work. Bill tried to contact the guy for several days, but couldn't find him. Later, Bill discovered that the guy had been in a fight, went back inside his house, retrieved a samurai sword from the wall, went back outside and cut a guy's head off.

The Topless Wife – April 10, 2007
When heading to Aruba, Sue had not intended to go topless. She had no desire. However, when they arrived on the adult-friendly Flamingo Beach, there was only one other topless woman, and it wasn't particularly good naked. Sue thought it over and decided that she could use a tan without lines, so she went ahead and took her top off. She enjoyed her new freedom, as did Kerry who was enlisted to help with the suntan oil. Because Kerry is part vampire, he had to sit up the beach from Sue in order to sit in the shade. As he looked over his partially naked wife, he noticed something very interesting; the other men on the beach suddenly found Kerry and Sue's isolated side of the beach very interesting. The male counterpart to the couple sitting up the beach from Kerry continued to walk past Sue several times in order to go down and test the water. Kerry went to get some drinks and when he returned, the man's wife was hurriedly leading the man away.

Even though Flamingo Beach is supposed to be adults-only, they do allow children on the beach. Parents are just warned that their children may see breasts. On the second day of Sue's toplessness, when mother's would lead their children towards Sue, they would abruptly turn around and go back from whence they had come. Fathers, however, had not so delicate sensibilities. They continued to repeatedly take their kids on the "nature walk" just past Kerry and Sue.

By the third day, Sue's Asian-hotness had scared off all of the families. The only people left to gawk at Dr. Barnett's spectacular work were the teen-age boys. The discovery that hot Asian breasts can scare away loud and annoying children is quite promising.

You Can Call Me Al – April 16, 2007
Celebrity stunt-boy Al Roker called into the show. Boy, is Al excited to be in Salt Lake City. The city always seems to welcome Al with open arms. Bill was kind enough to notice that Salt Lake doesn't have to open it's arms as wide as it used to, because Al has lost a lot of weight. Al was very excited that Bill noticed his tremendous weight loss. Bill also noticed that Al has been putting on just a few extra pounds lately. Surprisingly, Al was excited to be putting on a few of the old pounds. Al is currently hosting over 100 shows on the The Food Network, and he is excited to host every, single one of them. Al was in Salt Lake to promote his exciting new charity aimed at supporting the hordes of illegitimate children fathered by the late Don Ho, The Little Ho Society. How exciting!

Ogden Facts – April 18, 2007
Bill continues to collect facts about the city of Ogden, UT:

• Ogden is the city in the United States where one is most likely to be hit in the head with a beer bottle.

• People in Ogden all have two jobs, and they often list their second job as embezzlers.

• Ogden will be the home of the 2008 World Dirt Clod Fight Championships. The contest will be held on the site of the former Ogden City Mall. The "We're Not Really" Sublime Tribute band is traveling from Lewiston, ID to open the event.

• The favorite snack of Ogden children is a combination of lead paint chips and curdled milk.

• When asked what kind of stores residents want in the newly revitalized retail district, the nearly unanimous reply is more 'Check Cashing' Places.

• The favorite Demolition Derby car of Ogden residents is the 'Check City Crasher.'

• The dog-food smell on Wall Avenue reminds residents to have lunch.

• From the possible choices of, "Ogden: We're Still Here", "Ogden: What Are You Looking At?", or "Ogden: Do We Look Ok?", Ogden residents chose, "Hi, My Name Is Ogden, and I'm an Alcoholic" as the new city motto.
  

Wrong Day – April 20, 2007
It may be the wrong day for the 13-hour marathon. Bill is tired. Mrs. Bill wasn't particularly happy about him leaving her with "those two brats" all-day, so she went out and left Bill on Kid Duty. Kid Duty unfortunately often involves kid doodie. Little Mrs. Bill can go Number One by herself, and even knows enough to only use three squares of TP. Number Two, however, involves a little more help. Bill never understood why Number One was for pee. It should be Number Two for poo, Number Three for pee, and Number One for both.

Besides the kids, Bill's sleep was a bit restless in anticipation of the all-day show. Apparently the show makes Bill a little randy, and he had really erotic dreams all night. Gina thought that erotic dreams made sleep better. Oh no, not for Bill. Bill wakes up ready to shake his own hand. You know, ready to bat and, if you aren't careful, you might round third without being waved on.

Embarassing Moments – April 20, 2007
Sue and Mrs. Bill came in to answer embarrassing questions about Bill and Kerry. Joe wouldn't come in. He was worried that people wouldn't understand his thick Egyptian-Kansas City accent.

Bill

• Mrs. Bill makes Bill keep his long hair.

• Bill has awoken to find Mrs. Bill standing over him with a kitchen knife

• Bill does something with his lips when he gets frustrated and is looking for words that drives Mrs. Bill crazy.

• Bill enjoys doing the cooking because it gives him some along time with his alcohol and sharp knives.

• Mrs. Bill sounds hot.

• Bill is an ass-man.

• Bill tried to get some dinner reservations recently by using a “Don't you know who I am”, but it failed miserably.

• Bill is a cautious driver.

• Bill rants in the shower instead of singing.

• Bill enjoys saltines and milk. Sometimes he butters the saltines.

• Mrs. Bill sometimes learns about her vacations when listening to the show.

• Bill used to have a mullet.

• Mrs. Bill doesn't know The Wendover story. The Wendover Story will never be told on the radio.

• Bill scratches his package and sniffs his fingers while watching TV. Bill wasn't aware that Mrs. Bill even noticed.

• Mrs. Bill and Bill will be getting a divorce in the near-future.

Kerry

• Kerry loves butch semi-lesbian-esque women.

• Sue's boobs are Kerry's favorite part of Sue.

• Kerry spends a great deal of time (near 45 minutes) reading in the bathroom.

• Kerry “snot-rockets” in the shower and occasionally forgets to clean it up.

• Kerry really enjoys watching America's Funniest Home Videos. He hates the jokes, but he loves the kitty videos and the videos where kids fall on things.

• Kerry needs to use the “Don't you know who I am” more often.

• Kerry has totaled 4 cars. Kerry has been in 2-3 other accidents. Kerry has received a myriad of tickets. Kerry is still a better driver than Sue. Sue disagrees.

• Sue and Kerry will be getting a divorce in the near-future.

• Kerry used to have a mullet.

Gina

• Gina's boobs are asexual.

• Gina would not be sexy in a “Slave Leia” outfit.

• Joe is a secret sniffer.
  

Replacement Show – April 20, 2007
Next week the show will be replaced by Simmon's latest morning show, Mornings With Snot-rocket and Sniffer!

Not Far From The Tree – April 26, 2007
Bill prefers mayonnaise on his artichokes. Little Mrs. Bill LOVES artichokes, mostly for the butter. If you don't watch her carefully, she'll just drink the butter. When Little Mrs. Bill runs out of butter for her artichoke leaves, she yells, “MORE SAUCE!!” After she was done with her artichoke last night, Mrs. Bill wasn't home, so Little Mrs. Bill picked up the butter and looked longingly at Bill. He didn't care. Drink the sauce.

Unforgettable Quote – April 26, 2007
“I let the baby drink the butter.” - Bill Allred

Put That Away! - April 27, 2007
Joe left town yesterday, so he's somewhat useless to Gina - at least as she is trying to get to sleep. The trouble comes in that it is Friday, and that's the day the house cleaner comes to change Gina's sheets. Unfortunately for Gina, she left some.....equipment....in the bed. Just like when Joe is in town, she instantly falls asleep after she's finished. However, Joe usually puts the required equipment away, and this time Gina forgot. Kerry doesn't understand this at all. Gina obviously took other precautions, told the children she was going to have bad dreams, closed the door, put a pillow over her face, etc. She can't be bothered to put it away? Gina doesn't know what her house cleaner will do, but, for the time being, Gina will just have to suck it up - so to speak.

F.O.P Mary had an embarrassing story from Ogden. She was in Ogden at a friends home with some other friends and their kids. As Mary came out of the bathroom, she heard the kids driving cars up and down on the walls. She went into the bedroom to tell them to stop playing on the walls when she noticed that the children were not using cars. They were using two rocket shaped, vibrating devices that Mary's friend had left out on the bed.

Though Kerry can't imagine that she is, Gina is insatiable. The original Señor Vibrado was lost during the move into The Historical House of Character. When Joe went to Egypt for three weeks, Gina had to give up and acquire Herr Vibrado, a German replacement.

Dancing Queen – April 27, 2007
Since Valentine's Day, Richie has been working periodically as a singing telegram. Most recently, Richie managed to ruin a bachelorette party. Richie was instructed to dress up as Officer Goodbody - a police officer who dresses down into a "Tarzan" outfit, which is still pretty conservative. The planners of the party were informed that Richie was a singing telegram, not a stripper. Richie showed up, did his best Officer Goodbody act, took his socks, shoes, pants, and shirt off as the women hooted, howled, and began to get out their singles. Then it was over. That's all Richie had for them. He left the room to get dressed again and could overhear the women claiming how disappointing his performance was. Richie was still invited to stick around and have some food, which he did. As he was dishing up a plate, one of the older women in the group asked him how much it would actually be for him to strip. $100? $200? Even though the women were beautiful, Richie still turned them down. Bill thought it was good practice for when Richie gets married; he can show up, disappoint the lady, then stick around and eat her food.

Raising Them Right – April 30, 2007
When Gina thinks that Festus is lying, she tells him, "That's fine. God knows the truth." For someone who rarely gives a rat's ass about her religion, Bill doesn't understand why Gina would bother cultivating guilt in her son. Gina just finds it a fantastic tool.

Bill's neighbors are both very religious. One neighbor is Jewish and the other is Mormon. Last night, the LDS neighbors were having an outdoor party. Bill wonders if they were impressed when Little Bill began yelling at his sister, using profanity that a 7-year-old should not know, let alone use. "You *#&@(#$ idiot! How could you do that to my fort!?" Bill is sure that he gets it from Mrs. Bill.

Little Mrs. Bill demonstrated similarly impressive control of her language while visiting her Grandmother in Ogden. Bill's mother is currently recuperating in a rehab facility, and Little Bill and Little Mrs. Bill were playing on the adjustable hospital bed. As Little Bill pushed a button and made the bed start to raise up, Little Mrs. Bill proclaimed, "What the hell?" Bill is sure that she gets that from Mrs. Bill.

A Fine Piece – January 4, 2007
Bill loves getting a face-full of pie and, as a member of The American Pie Council, Bill has been invited to apply for a pie competition judgeship in Celebration, FL.  Bill is uniquely qualified for this position.  First of all, a very dense and thick piece of pie once saved him from a sniper's deadly bullet in Vietnam.  Secondly, Bill enjoys pie so much that he taught a lesson in church using pie as a metaphor for salvation.  Thirdly, each week, after church services, the entire congregation is invited to Bill's kitchen for a nice slice of pie.  Radio From Hell: Ready for Pie.

Unforgettable Quote #2 – January 4, 2007
"My proctologist has The Thumb of Doom too." - Kerry Jackson

Chitty Chitty – January 17, 2007
Adding to the list of senseless things Gina is afraid of (wind chimes, shower curtains, sculptures depicting children, and the wind) is Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, the Disney movie staring Dick van Dyke. Kerry just thought the movie was chitty, chitty.

Ice Age – January 22, 2007
The show started off on a poor note this morning.  Kerry was in a car accident this morning on his way from Salt Lake to Park City for Sundance.  As he was making the junction between I-215 and I-15, his car just didn't straighten out, and went into a spin.  Kerry was very lucky that the guard-rail held.  Bill thought it might be fortunate to have a reason to start drinking at 7:00am.  Kerry didn't seem to be hurt at all, though there was some soreness in his back.  A UHP officer was on his way up to another, more horrific accident, but stopped to help Kerry and get the tow called.  As of 10:00 this morning, Kerry's wife hasn't killed him yet.

Unforgettable Quote – January 23, 2007
"I left my muff in Park city." - Gina Barberi

Unforgettable Quote #2 – January 23, 2007
"I have a fresh muff." - Kerry Jackson

Unforgettable Quote #3 – January 23, 2007
"Then your muff would be all wet." - Kerry Jackson

Good News for Sodomites – January 25, 2007
Openly gay Utah legislator, Scott McCoy (D), has proposed a law to repeal Utah's antiquated and unconstitutional anti-sodomy laws.  Utah Senator Chris Buttars (R) is extremely concerned.  He's already purchased an anti-sodomy device to protect him while he is sleeping.  The device features numerous hoses to protect Sen. Buttars and his various bodily vents from the rampant and aggressive homosexuals in their never ending quest for buggery.

New York – February 6, 2007
Bill used to live in New York.  He had an apartment right in Manhattan.  That's where he learned to do entertainment - in New York.  But he remembered Salt Lake and loved it so much that he decided to give up the big city life and do radio in the beloved lakeside city instead of New York..  There's a lot of differences between New York and Salt Lake City.  A lot of differences, but Bill used to live in New York, so he adjusted.  Bill learned a lot about entertainment and show business when he was living in his apartment in Manhattan.  Show business is done differently in New York, where Bill used to live.

Classy Advertisement – February 7, 2007
Bill used to live in New York.  He used to live on the same island of Manhattan as Donald Trump.  Many people who don't live in New York don't understand that Manhattan is an island, but Bill knows because he used to live in New York.  When Bill was living in New York, he was once portraying an Arab sheik in a play.  To advertise the play to other people living in New York, the play management put an advertisement in a magazine called Michael's Things.  The ad contained an head-shot of Bill and an appeal to see Bill in the play.  The rest of the magazine contained photographs consisting of naked, gay men.

Grandma, We're Going To Hell – February 21, 2007
Gina forgot that it was Ash Wednesday, a very holy day for her Catholic religion. She ate a huge mound of bacon when she should have been fasting and avoiding meat. By her own admission, Gina isn't a really good Catholic. She's more of a “Jack Catholic.” She's considering giving up French fries for Lent, an attempt she has failed many times in the past. Kerry disagrees; he thinks that Gina should cease being a “Jack Catholic” for Lent. Got to mass. Confess her sins, etc. Gina isn't sure what sins she could possibly confess. Fortunately Atropos had a list for her:

“Sexy jammies for Joe (Lust).  Birth control (killin' babies & Lust).  Eating mountains of
bacon (Gluttony).  Yelling at a guy for spraying her with gasoline (Anger).  Remaining
seated (Sloth).  Getting paid to do a job she would do for free (Greed).  Yelling about
Catherine Zeta Jones for lying about her age (Envy).  Paying $43.00 for a tube of mascara
(Pride). “

A Sound Investment – March 6, 2007
Bill wants to own a restaurant, or at least invest in one. Of course, he doesn't want to put up any money or take any kind of risk. Really, Bill just wants to sell his image to a restaurant so they can use his fame to promote the place. Bill first thought of a Chinese restaurant called Bill's Round-Eye Restaurant. Kerry wasn't sure that would work out as Bill would like. An old fashioned supper club would be nice, but might not work in Utah. One F.O.P suggested that Bill should call the restaurant “Don't Get Your Panties In A Wad.” The advertising just kind of writes itself.

Bouncy, bouncy. Fun, Fun, Fun Fun! - March 14, 2007
Gina finally learned out to make Joe a pleasing martini. Of course, she has to make it naked. If it's nice and cold she places two olives....there.

The Happy Hooker – March 19, 2007
Gina took her car into get serviced and asked for a loner car while she waited. Apparently all of the loners were out for the day. Gina then asked the mechanic drive her the three blocks to the mall so she could shop while she waited. The mechanic declined thinking that the job would be done so quickly that he'd just have to turn right back around and pick Gina up. Fine. Gina walked the three blocks to the mall. Mid-trip a big, black pick-up truck pulled up along-side Gina. The man rolled down the window and asked Gina if she wanted a date.......No! The man just drove away. Bill was curious as to whether the man should be driving with such poor eyesight. Though somewhat odd, the incident scared Gina “to death.” What if he had just thrown her into the car? Kerry surmised that if the man had wanted to do that, he probably wouldn't have asked for the date in the first place.

Aruba – March 20, 2007
Kerry is spending part of next week and the weekend in Aruba. He and Sue don't really have any plans. They might go clubbing, they might go on some tours, or they might go snorkeling. Kerry even has his own snorkeling equipment, which was of great surprise to Gina. Gina thought you only rented that equipment. Nope. You can actually buy it so that it fits properly and hasn't been in the mouth of another person. Gina went snorkeling on her honeymoon, but she HATED it! It wasn't like Gina imagined it. It wasn't a calm pool with cute little creatures in it. It was the ocean! With waves and water and everything! It was horrible! She almost died! Gina is smart and beautiful. Thanks for listening.

Hope For The Future – March 22, 2007
Bill often walks the three blocks to Little Bill's bus stop in order to walk home and have a nice chat with his son. Yesterday, the bus was about five minutes late in arriving. As Bill and Little Bill walked home, they had the following conversation:

Bill: What's the deal? Was the bus late today?

Little Bill: Yeah, yeah. It was.

Bill: Do you have any idea why?

Little Bill: No. I don't know. We were just standing there waiting at the school and it didn't come so me and Timmy got down on our knees and prayed to God for the bus to come.

Bill: Really?

Little Bill: Yeah. Timmy decided that it might be a good idea, so he asked the lord for the bus to come, so we got down on our knees and we prayed for the bus to come, and when we looked up the bus was coming down the street.

Bill: Huh? What do you think about that? I mean, do you think the praying helped?

Little Bill: Well, you know Dad, a lot of people don't believe this; The lord really didn't have anything to do with creating the world.

Bill: What?

Little Bill: Yeah. Millions or thousands of years ago or something, there was a giant, cosmic gas cloud and then it got formed into the world, and then, like, life started and it came out of the ocean. I don't know exactly where the dinosaurs were in there, but then there were monkeys, and then the apes, and then we evolved from the apes, and then we eventually became the human race.

Bill: No, wait a minute. Hold it...

Little Bill: I know! I know! You're not supposed to talk about that kind of stuff in front of certain kinds of people.

Bill: Some people believe that God created the world, or some people believe that God started the evolutionary process. There are people that believe evolution is a scientific fact, but that God started that.

Little Bill: Well, if there's supposed to be Heaven here on Earth, how could God even exist if there was supposed to be Heaven on Earth and before there was Earth there wasn't any Heaven?

Bill: Ok, but, really what I wanted to know, do you think that praying helped the bus come?

Little Bill: No. I think it was just a coincidence.

Button Pusher – March 28, 2007
With Kerry leaving last night for Aruba, Gina was left in charge of the board.  Apart from having to figure out the delay, removing an echo, lowering the background volume, cutting off the drops when returning from commercials, dropping one set of commercials entirely, nearly costing the company over $1,700, everything went pretty smoothly.  However, now Gina understands why Kerry can be so surly.

Unforgettable Quote – March 28, 2007
"Words can hurt, you stupid bitch." - Bill Allred

Unforgettable Quote #2 – March 28, 2007
"If I'm gonna poke something into it, it's not going to be my finger." - Bill Allred

Close Calls (2006-01-23)
Bill really didn't feel like coming in today, but since Gina's presence is somewhat intermittent due to technological problems, Bill came in. Bill had spent most of the night puking violently.

Yesterday, Bill had gone skiing at Snowbird with Little Bill. On the way home, Little Bill informed Bill that he felt really sick. Fortunately, Bill had taken Little Bill to a movie the day before and there was a large, mostly empty, soda cup in the car, and Little Bill proceeded to fill it. Little Bill was very concerned that the soda cup now contained pieces of his stomach. Then they had to stop at the Dan's on Wasatch Blvd. for Little Bill to perform some other business. The Dan's has seen better days. Kerry is well aware. They have a very belligerent deli. Don't try and ask them for thinly sliced meats; they'll only tell you that it's as thin as it gets. If you then proceed to ask why other stores can slice more thinly, you'll receive a lecture.

Later than night, after dinner, Bill started feeling poorly and began a long vigil in the bathroom.

Better Days (2006-03-21)
The Tropicana, however, has seen better days, but it isn't horrible. The staff are all very happy to be working there and take good care of the guests. The hallways and rooms are also much larger than more modern hotel rooms. Peggy Flemming once sang there. However, the Tropicana's casino is so old that they still have Slap Jack and Go Fish tables.

Bill and Little Bill had to deal with a rather intoxicated older woman on the elevator. She and her annoyed husband got on the same elevator as Bill and Little Bill. She asked Little Bill to press, "sssiiiixxxx." When he did so, she told him that he was so, "ssssschhhhmmmmaaart."

Homework (2006-04-20)
Mrs. Bill brought Little Bill into the studio so Bill could help him with his homework. Mrs. Bill and Bill switch off helping with the homework and Thursdays are Bill's day. Part of Little Bill's homework is to read for twenty minutes. Currently his is reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Little Bill read a portion of Chapter 4 to the audience. He was a bit concerned that people wouldn't understand the story if they didn't start from Chapter 1, but Kerry thought most people knew the story of Willy Wonka. Little Bill read extremely well, in spite of the fact that he was missing his two front teeth and had the barest hint of a lisp. Little Bill added a great deal of feeling to the story, going so far as to act out the rage of Willy Wonka when he discovered that spies had been stealing his candy secrets.

All About Bill (2006-05-19)
Little Bill was sent to detention for swearing. Apparently he called another student a compound word that contains “hole” in it. Little Bill didn't learn the word by listening to X96. Kerry thought he probably learned it from TV or video games. No, Bill is pretty sure that he learned it at home.

Cherish Is The Word (2006-07-17)
Bill spent the weekend with his family cherishing the cabin. Bill's mom has a cabin, so Bill took the kids up there to see their Grandmother and do some activities in the out of doors. Bill doesn't consider that to be camping, but he did cherish the cabin. Bill cherishes the cabin by waking up and drinking immediately. Bill's ex-wife took care of Little Mrs. Bill and Little Bill was busy expressing his respect for all living things by bashing a fish to death with a rock.

To The Lab Chums! (2006-08-17)
For the past three days, Bill has gone to pick up Little Bill from school. For all of those days, there has been a dead bird in the parking lot getting squished. Bill suggested to Little Bill that maybe someone should clean it up. Little Bill objected. He wanted to watch it decompose and asked if he could keep it in a bag in his room. Bill quickly informed Little Bill that it would not be sanitary, nor would it smell very nice. Little Bill then asked to take it to the basement. No. Kerry decided that Little Bill needed a lab of some sort to take his experiments.

Killing in the Name of (2006-08-28)
Bill bought some funny band-aids. First he bought band-aids that looked like strips of bacon. The box even had a toy in it; a little piggy. Bill also bought a package of Jesus band-aids. They came with a Little Jesus pencil topper. Little Bill wanted the Little Jesus. In fact, he snatched the Little Jesus from Bill and threatened to kill Little Jesus with his pirate sword. Bill had to confiscate Little Jesus from Little Bill before he gave his grandmother a sacrilege-induced heart attack.

Cherish the Cabin (2006-09-05)
Bill spent his weekend cherishing his mother's cabin and drinking a lot of turkey-brand cabin fever medicine. Bill didn't really have to talk to the teens at his event. They just took the 4-wheelers and left. Bill felt more tired after his “vacation” than he did before he left. After Little Bill decided to try and use s'mores as a shampoo for Little Mrs. Bill, the “vacation” was over.

Halloween (2006-09-19)
The majority of Radio From Hell listeners know that Bill despises Halloween for a series of reasons, and this Halloween may land Bill in jail. Little Bill, however, LOVES Halloween. Mrs. Bill took Little Bill to the store to pick out a costume. When Little Bill came home, he informed Bill that he had picked out a costume for him so that they could go trick-or-treating together. Little Bill will be a zombie, and Bill will be Daddy Zombie. The only problem is that Bill's costume comes without pants. Bill will have to be a pantless-daddy-zombie.

The Happiest Place (2006-10-18)
Bill took his family to Disneyland for the weekend. It's a great time to go as the parks are fairly empty. While waiting to buy some additional tickets, Little Bill stomped on a spider. Bill was aghast! He informed Little Bill that he had just murdered Alan the Affable Disney Spider who was just about to have a movie deal! Bill later saved the life of another lesser known Disney character, Mikaela the Disney Microbe, when he refused to use anti-bacterial hand sanitizer.

Field Trip (2006-11-10)
Little Bill was upset that Bill would, "disrespect my field-trip!" Kerry, Bill, and Gina called Little Bill for a report on his Arby's trip. Little Bill really liked it. It was a fascinating learning experience for Little Bill. He even got a free lunch! He ordered all the "best" stuff; a turkey sandwich, curly fries, and a soda pop. Little Bill liked the series of sandwich chutes. The employees would prepare the sandwich behind the scenes and then throw it down the old turkey chute.

Neutral Face (2006-11-13)
Little Bill receives a daily "On Task" report from his teachers. It's a 1/2 hour by 1/2 hour report of how well Little Bill behaved and performed during his various lessons. According to the report, Little Bill had a very good day; he was noted as an excellent singer and a good artist. That was, until 12:00-12:30, when he "Chewed the plastic lining of the garbage-can in group." Bill doesn't know what to make of that. Bill was always a chewer; pencils, erasers, his fingernails, but never a garbage can liner.

Xmas Secrets (2006-12-05)
Little Bill attended a family party where Santa Claus and his elf were also guests. The elf would say the name of a child and inform Santa of something about the child. When the elf got to Little Bill, he informed Santa that Little Bill really likes skeletons. When Little Bill got home, he asked Bill how the devil that elf knew that. Bill wasn't sure, but asked Little Bill what he thought. Little Bill is pretty sure his teacher at school has been in cahoots with Mr. Claus.

Hope For The Future (2007-03-22)
Bill often walks the three blocks to Little Bill's bus stop in order to walk home and have a nice chat with his son. Yesterday, the bus was about five minutes late in arriving. As Bill and Little Bill walked home, they had the following conversation:

Bill: What's the deal? Was the bus late today?

Little Bill: Yeah, yeah. It was.

Bill: Do you have any idea why?

Little Bill: No. I don't know. We were just standing there waiting at the school and it didn't come so me and Timmy got down on our knees and prayed to God for the bus to come.

Bill: Really?

Little Bill: Yeah. Timmy decided that it might be a good idea, so he asked the lord for the bus to come, so we got down on our knees and we prayed for the bus to come, and when we looked up the bus was coming down the street.

Bill: Huh? What do you think about that? I mean, do you think the praying helped?

Little Bill: Well, you know Dad, a lot of people don't believe this; The lord really didn't have anything to do with creating the world.

Bill: What?

Little Bill: Yeah. Millions or thousands of years ago or something, there was a giant, cosmic gas cloud and then it got formed into the world, and then, like, life started and it came out of the ocean. I don't know exactly where the dinosaurs were in there, but then there were monkeys, and then the apes, and then we evolved from the apes, and then we eventually became the human race.

Bill: No, wait a minute. Hold it...

Little Bill: I know! I know! You're not supposed to talk about that kind of stuff in front of certain kinds of people.

Bill: Some people believe that God created the world, or some people believe that God started the evolutionary process. There are people that believe evolution is a scientific fact, but that God started that.

Little Bill: Well, if there's supposed to be Heaven here on Earth, how could God even exist if there was supposed to be Heaven on Earth and before there was Earth there wasn't any Heaven?

Bill: Ok, but, really what I wanted to know, do you think that praying helped the bus come?

Little Bill: No. I think it was just a coincidence.

(Author's Note:  After today's (March 22, 2007) conversation with Little Bill, I was reminded of how many entertaining stories there were about Little Bill.  I thought maybe Little Bill deserved some special recognition on the Radio From Hell Blog and put together these entries regarding, featuring, or referring to the (in)famous Little Bill Allred.  As there are so many, I've had to break up the entries slightly.  The following are from the year 2005.  I hope you will notice and forgive the fact that my writing and style has improved somewhat since I first began this hobby.)

Public humiliation (2005-02-09)
After fighting with Little Bill, Bill finally talked him into leaving his television and going on a walk/hike on a nearby nature trail.  Sometime into the hike, Bill realized he has to urinate something fierce.  Little Bill suggested they go off the trail a bit, to Bill's relief.  Little Bill was playing around in the growth, so Bill took a look around, and felt it safe to relieve himself.  While doing his business, Bill looked up to a bridge that was crossing a nearby stream, and to his dismay discovered someone watching his constitutional.  The man watching him hung his head and walked off.  Bill seemed to think he should have said something....like, "Hi!  Kerry Jackson; X96!"

Hotdog Demons (2005-02-15)
Bill picked up Little Bill and one of his friends from school.  Hanging on the side of a house, Bill noticed a little gargoyle or demon sculpture.  Bill turned to Little Bill and said, "Look, a demon."  Little Bill's friend asked, "What's a Demon?"  Little Bill replied, "Like a Devil."  "But, what's a Devil?"  Little Bill answered, "Devils escape from Devil-land and kill people with their pitchforks and knock down hot-dog stands."  Bill, puzzled, asked, "What's that?"  To which Little Bill naturally replied, "A place you buy hot-dogs." 

According to Tobin's Spirit Guide, there is a demon who haunts hot-dog stands.  His name is Guargum, the Hot-dog Hating Demon.  There is also O'Reilly, The Nameless Girl Chasing Demon.  O'Reilly haunts with loofah sponges and falafel.

Nerd Kids (2005-02-18)
Bill is taking his “smart” kids on several different adventures; the sugar cane train, whale watching, maybe even to see a volcano.  Little Bill really wants to see a volcano, but he is also kind of nervous.  He wondered if the lava from an erupting volcano could reach the airplane.  Festus was worried about sharks.  He'd seen jaws. 

Bill's Face (2005-03-14)
Bill had several afflictions removed from his face by a burn-happy dermatologist.  He's a good doctor, but takes too much joy in burning stuff off with liquid nitrogen.  Apparently the objects were skin damage Bill has suffered as a kid, but were only recently making themselves known.  Little Bill uses this as an excuse to keep watching Spongebob or Lilo and Stitch.  Bill did manage to get Little Bill outside into the backyard and suggested they play a game.  Little Bill suggested a game in which you drive a toy car down the driveway and wait for a car to hit you.  Bill agreed but suggested Little Bill go first.  "No way," said Little Bill, "I could get hurt!"

Conferring (2005-03-25)
Bill and Mrs. Bill went to a Parent Teacher Conference.  Bill was eagerly waiting for the end of the conferring when he could show Little Bill the magazine article Kerry gave him about the giant colon at the Children's Museum.  Mrs. Bill and Little Bill already knew about that and were making their plans.  Kerry was glad to know that Little Bill had a great interest in something, even if it was always nerdy things - like body parts.  Little Bill also really likes The Nightmare Before Christmas.  He makes spook alleys, and decorates the front room and acts out the movie.  Festus has interests too, though they are a little different.  The other day he was wearing his Indiana Jones Hat and had one of those little sharks on a stick - about a foot long.  He wanted Mommy Gina to watch as he did a gay little cane dance.  Gina was so proud.  Little Bill was chewing on his pencil when another child told on him.  The other kid said, "He's not even chewing on the eraser any more, he's chewing on the metal!"  Little Bill pulled the pencil from his mouth and said, "It's called a ferrule", and resumed chewing.

When Worlds Collide (2005-03-31)

Little Bill and Festus had a play date yesterday. Kerry views Gina and Bill’s children as characters from The Simpson’s; Festus is like Milhouse, Little Bill is like Martin Prince. Little Bill welcomed Festus with a hearty, “Hello Chum,” and then escorted him on a tour of his bedroom, complete with elaborate pirate ship bed. As he pointed out a space under the bed Little Bill quipped, “My sister quite likes in there too.” Kerry wondered when Little Bill brought out his lute and sang a sea shanty?

Festus was a bit perplexed by the concept of composting. Bill has quite a compost heap in the back yard, and even buys the compostable napkins. Festus tried to throw away one of the napkins and was in utter bewilderment when Mrs. Bill tried to explain that they have a trash heap in the yard.

While Festus and Little Bill were having their turkey sandwich for lunch, the girl from next door, Molly, who helps Mrs. Bill around the house mentioned that she wouldn’t be having one because she is a vegetarian. When Festus asked what that meant, she replied that it meant she only ate vegetables. Festus, in another state of befuddlement blurted, “You do not!?”

However, Bill was informed by Mrs. Bill that through all of the astonishing things Festus had to go through, he was a very polite little boy.

The Colossal Colon (2005-04-04)
Bill finally made it to The Children's Museum and the Colossal Colon.  The Colon is only one way, so be careful.  It's a giant hard-plastic colon.  You have to take off your shoes, or they'll provide booties.  There isn't any audio tour or sound effects in the colon.  Bill thought some grumbling noises might be appropriate.  The colon starts off as a nice, pink, healthy colon, but then degenerates into a cancerous, nasty colon with internal hemorrhoids.  The hemorrhoids look just like stinky little balloons. 

After "exiting" the colon, there was a series of information and game tables.  There was one with a little wheel to spin.  You could win sunscreen or a beanie.  A beanie baby.  Not a little hat.  Kerry was confused.  He was under the impression that your colon didn't need sunscreen.  As far as he knew, that was, in fact, where the sun did not shine.  Bill explained that they were covering all kinds of cancer. Little Bill spun the wheel and won sunscreen, but the lady let him have a beanie too.  There were lots of little beanies, but one was "Enema Man."  Enema Man looks just like a Fleet enema bottle, complete with insertion tube.  He also has a cape and a smiley face.  Bill also managed to get an Enema Man calendar that shows Enema Man as a goalie, riding an elephant, piloting a gondola in Venice, etc.  Kerry envisioned a raisin looking arch-villian for Enema man named Polyp Man.

Living Things (2005-04-14)
Little Bill gets very upset when Bill kills different things.  He yells, "Have you forgot my respect for all living things!!?"  This, of course, coming from a child who spent the majority of the weekend stomping ants with wild abandon.  When Bill brought this up to Little Bill's attention, he thought Bill had made a good point.  Bill also pointed out that the cats kill and eat moths.  Its just the nature of some things.  Kerry suggested that Little Bill needed a magnifying glass so he could start being a properly sadistic little boy.  All little boys are sadistic to a point.  Kerry and Bill related stories of catching grasshoppers, maiming them, and then placing them on the top of ant piles.  Bill also told a horrible story of going on a cat hunt when he was young.  It was ok until Bill realized that all the other boys were really going to hurt this cat.  He started crying and screaming at the other boys, and finally went and tattled.  Thank god he did!

Adventures with Little Bill (2005-04-28)
Last night as Little Bill was going to bed, he turned to Bill, pulled up his shirt and said, “Look! I’m a sprite can!” He had written Sprite across his chest, with little numbers down the side. Bill didn’t even have the energy to ask him why he did that. Gina, if that is her real name, said that Festus had done something similar once, but that he had written a big “S” on his chest for Superman. Kerry thought that the kids who liked superman had it much to easy; he liked Spiderman. Took a lot more work. Festus, Gina said, also sometimes drew a scar on his forehead to play Harry Potter. Little Bill has a Furby and a little dog, similar to a Furby called Poochy. He gets very angry when Bill refers to them as “Thrumby” and “Punchy.”

The Great Outdoors (2005-05-26)
Bill has a little kiddie pool in his back yard that is shaped like a boat. Bill was sitting in the backyard watching as Little Bill was climbing on top of the wheelhouse of the boat. Suddenly there was a bee that landed on, or buzzed very close to Little Bill. He started yelling and screaming and running towards Bill. Finally he got away from it and was standing in the grass. Right there, between his feet, in the grass was a half-eaten mouse. He yelled, “I’m going inside! I can’t take this.

Reading Time (2005-06-08)
Bill was reading a book called "Where's My Blanket" to Little Bill and Little Mrs. Bill. Afterward, Little Bill went to read his book. He needed something more complex.

Toys (2005-06-09)
Bill took Little Bill to the Burger King to get him some of the Star Wars toys. Little Bill hasn’t seen the original trilogy. He’s only seen The Phantom Menace. Due to that fact, he was more than a little perplexed by the Han Solo in a little carbonite box. You put the front on the box and wind up the little key on the back and he vibrates out of the box. Gina really thinks that Bill should let Little Bill see the original trilogy. Bill thinks that ol’ “Traveling Pants” should make him a list of all the things he “should” let his kids do. Little Bill really likes C3PO, so Bill went up to ask the older lady at the counter if he could buy another. The C3PO toy was actually a view finder. You look through his feet and it shows a scene from each of the six Star Wars movies. The Princess Leia toy is the same except, when you look up her skirt, it shows scenes from a gynecological exam.

Parenting is Hard to Do (2005-06-23)
Festus is in California with Gina's cousin at a beach house. Gina's cousin called her last night to inform her that she was having some trouble getting Festus to go to the beach. It seems that Festus has found a PlayStation and doesn’t want to quit playing. Gina’s cousin was supposed to tell Gina that he was really good at it too. Gina worries if she gets him one it will be impossible to get him away from it. She is also worried, however, that he might be so addicted to it because he doesn’t have one at home. She hates this. She’s also afraid that Festus will end up hating her one way or the other. She hates this. Bill doesn’t think she should worry about it. Kids will always figure out some reason to hate you. Little Bill told Bill that he was going to put on his pajamas and kill himself.

Mensa is Waiting (2005-07-07)
On the evening of the Fourth, Bill went to bed early, and Mrs. Bill took Little Bill to his cousin's house to watch fireworks. They were watching the big fireworks at Rice Eccles, but Little Bill's cousins were doing some of their own. A firework went off a little close to Little Bill, and he jumped back exclaiming, "I SAY!" Apparently he got that phrase from the big, gay, golden robot C3PO.

Enemies (2005-09-06)
Bill noticed that Little Bill had a piece of paper with the number 1 through 20 written on it. Bill asked Little Bill what it was. Little Bill replied that it was his Enemies List, and Mom is at the top. Bill asked Little Bill if he could add a name for him. Now, Mom is number one, and Dick Cheney is number two.

E-Parent v2.0 (2005-09-09)
Bill was tired this morning.  He had to go up to Ogden yesterday to do some parenting.  Gina suggested that, if they could do surgery over the Internet, Bill should be able to parent over the Internet.

Bill also had some parenting issues at home with Little Bill.  Little Bill has been wearing the same two pair of underwear for two days. He is wearing two pair of Darth Maul underpants, and won't take them off.  When he goes to bed, he sleeps in a t-shirt and boxers, totaling three different instances of underwear.  Bill tried "to get to the bottom" of why Little Bill was wearing sets of underwear, but Little Bill only answered with the fact that he liked them.  So Bill beat him.  Not really.  Gina thinks he should be sneaky and just take them away while Little Bill is taking a bath.  Bill doesn't feel it necessary to engage in stealth parenting.  Maybe Little Bill is just worried about a fart turning into a surprise and wants to take an extra pair with him.

At this point, the funny wad was blown.

Tooth Fairy (2005-09-20)
Little Bill had some chocolate on his face yesterday. Bill was wiping it off and literally wiped off one of Little Bill’s loose teeth. Little Bill put the tooth under his pillow and the “Tooth Fairy” left him a buck. Little Bill was a little upset, however. Apparently Nate got two dollars, an edible crayon, a bunch of other crap, and a pile of fairy dust. Bill told Mrs. Bill to tell Little Bill that the Tooth Fairy had given Bill a gift certificate to take Little Bill out for ice cream.

Gina wondered what the “Tooth Fairy” does with the teeth. Bill thought she probably did the same thing with the teeth as Bill did with his souvenir ears from Vietnam; makes a necklace out of them.

After Dark (2005-10-21)
Bill took Little Bill and some of Little Bill's older, jaded cousins to Red Butte Gardens for their Halloween celebration.  Red Butte Gardens sets up fire barrels and story telling.  You go around to each fire barrel and get a stamp, and at the end, after you fill all your stamps, you get a prize.  This year's prize was a single, solitary sticker.  Little Bill's older, jaded cousins were moaning and sighing about their sticker.  Little Bill was really excited because it had a dinosaur on it and it was from The Oriental Trading Company, his favorite catalog.

To Bill, the scariest part on the trip was the 14 year old kid driving the shuttle up a winding road.  Once they got off the shuttle, there was a bunch of black lights illuminating a path through the trees.  A curious Little Bill proclaimed, "This will prove to be interesting!"

Candy (2005-11-01)
Last night did not deter Bill's hatred for Halloween.  Little Mrs. Bill apparently took to trick-or-treating very easily.  She was a bit confused by the first and second house, but then she understood.  She went running from house to house yelling "Next house, next house!"   When Little Bill and Little Mrs. Bill arrived at an empty home, Crazy Unka Todd opened the mail slot and yelled, "GIVE US SOME CANDY!"  Little Mrs. Bill took the cue and opened the mail slot afterward and yelled, "GIVE US SOME CANDY!"  When they returned home from trick-or-treating, Little Mrs. Bill was screaming, "CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY!"  Little Bill was crying because he wanted more candy.

Bill actually did as he suggested on the radio and took his kids up to Federal Heights.  Bill actually had family and friends that live in Federal Heights, which is why they go up there.  Bill remarked to one family as they were leaving that he had told people on the radio to drop their kids off in Federal Heights.  The woman was not pleased with Bill.

Respect For All Living Things (2005-11-23)
It is well established that Little Bill has a respect for all living things.  Well, Bill was making a delicious roast chicken for dinner a few nights ago.  While it is resting, they suggest that you stand the bird upright, and Bill did so.  Bill then called the family to dinner.  Little Bill came into the kitchen and noticed the chicken.  He inquired as to what it was.  Bill informed him that it was their dinner.  Little Bill then informed Bill that he can't eat that.  It was a living thing.  So, Little Bill has now become a vegetarian - except for fish sticks.

Allred Family Values (2005-12-15)
While visiting his Ogden family, Bill took Little Bill with him.  Bill's Ex-Wife just loves Little Bill, and when she discovered that Little Bill was hungry, she offered to fix him some lunch.  She went to the pantry and pulled out a can of Beef-a-Roni and asked Little Bill if he'd like that.  Little Bill informed The Former Mrs. Bill that his mother had told him that stuff tastes like crap.

2006-10-02 - Radio From Hell On The Road
Richie somehow convinced Kerry, Gina, and most of all, Bill, to do a road show in Southern Utah. A week from today they'll be in Cedar City and the next day they'll be in St. George. Bill has avoided returning to Cedar City after a brief run-in with the law there.

In 1994, or thereabouts, Artie Fufkin asked Kerry and Bill to help him DJ a dance for the Sigma Chi fraternity. Kerry and Bill accepted and went down to the show. When the show was over, Bill was walking back to his car through the parking lot when he spotted a broken liquor bottle. Litter-patrol Bill picked up the bottle and threw it in the trash, under the gaze of the Dwight-Shrute like campus security guard. The guard must have called the cops, and Bill was followed onto the main drag by a police cruiser, which then pulled him over. Bill had to do all of the standard road-side drunk tests, and passed them all. After he passed them, the officer asked if he could search Bill's car. Bill asked what would happen if he refused to give permission. The officer informed him that he would be arrested and his car impounded. So, Bill allowed him to search the car. The officer found an old Tecate beer can under the seat, which bill had picked up as litter at one point. The officer was giddy that he had found something, and didn't really believe Bill's litter story. However, when he found that the can was 100% bone-dry he allowed Bill to go on his way.

2006-10-11 - Second Breakfast
After the show in Cedar City, and the mountain of delicious fruits, bread, milks, juices, and cereals provided by SUU Food Services, Gina needed a Gina-edible breakfast. Kerry, Bill, Gina, and Richie went to Sullivan's, a little greasy spoon diner there in Cedar City. Gina really loves chicken-fried steak, but she had to ask the waitress if they used frozen patties or flattened the fresh meat themselves. The waitress informed Gina that they used frozen patties, but that they were really good. Gina would have none of it. She ordered the scone instead – without honey-butter. The scone was burnt and dry and tasted horrible. Gina tried to make it better with ketchup and bacon, but it was irreparable. Gina wouldn't try the honey-butter though. Gina doesn't like honey at all, and she doesn't like butter to sit on her food. The food has to be really, really hot in order to melt the butter. It's pretty strange that Joe travels as often as he does.

2006-10-11 - The Other White Varmint
Paul Two Bears hasn't been able to catch Bill's raccoon yet. Paul is going to try the peanut-butter with raccoon urine again. When Bill told Paul that he was calling from St. George, Paul told Bill to watch out; he'd heard that there are a lot of hippies down there. Paul could probably catch one of them with a Whopper sprinkled with some pot.

2006-10-12 - Fairness Doctrine
Kerry, Bill, and Gina got in trouble yesterday for inviting Senator Hatch and Pete Ashdown to be on the show. Management has requested that RFH no longer have politicians on their current events and local news program. If they do a bit with chainsaw guy, they'll have to be fair and have Freddy Kruger on the show – or maybe just Orrin Hatch again.

2006-10-13 - Rock Climbing with Gina
Before their Q&A session at Dixie State College, Richie took Kerry, Bill, and Gina up to see the the hill with "Dixie" painted on it. You drive up the hill and park. Everyone was wearing some kind of sandal, but Gina was the only one with any kind of problem. As they walked up the little trail, Gina was way behind, complaining and crying. There were steps carved directly into the rock, but Gina thought that was still too hard to "scale." As they got to the top, there's an edge that you can hang your head over and see all of St. George upside down - which Richie did. Bill walked to the edge, but didn't see St. George upside down. Gina wouldn't come within 100 yards of the edge. She was afraid to step over the 4-inch crack in the rock; afraid that the other side would crack and fall on her like Wile E. Coyote. Regardless of Gina's assertion that they went "rock climbing", Kerry and Bill more accurately described it as "rock ambling."

2006-10-18 - The Happiest Place
Bill took his family to Disneyland for the weekend. It's a great time to go as the parks are fairly empty. While waiting to buy some additional tickets, Little Bill stomped on a spider. Bill was aghast! He informed Little Bill that he had just murdered Alan the Affable Disney Spider who was just about to have a movie deal! Bill later saved the life of another lesser known Disney character, Mikaela the Disney Microbe, when he refused to use anti-bacterial hand sanitizer.

2006-10-18 - Trick or Treat?
When Gina and Joe arrived in Oregon, Joe played a little trick on Gina. He pulled out a stack of MLS (real estate) papers. No, Gina and Joe aren't planning to move to Oregon, but Joe wants to buy an Xmas-tree farm. He'll name it Happy Habib's Holiday Trees. Or Aladdin's Xmas Trees. They'll save a lot of money because Joe will just fly the trees down on his flying carpet. Gina doesn't know what they were looking for since it was just property after property of evergreen trees, but Joe seems to think it will be an easy thing to farm. Gina informed Joe that he'll have to buy some overalls, a flannel shirt, some man-workin' gloves, and an axe.

2006-10-18 - More Rock Walking
Joe got all up in Gina's gorge after shopping for Xmas-tree farms. They went hiking. Gina thought it would be cold and rainy in Oregon, so she wore a big-thick sweater. Halfway up the gorge, Joe took off his coat because it was so hot, but Gina didn't have anything under her sweater. Joe told her to just hike in her bra - AND SHE DID! Even when people were coming the other direction, she just kept hiking in her bra. Bill can't count how many times he's gone hiking in Gina's bra.

2006-10-23 - Surprise
If you go to The Haunted Hollow, don't go near the toilet. You'll get sprayed with water.

2006-10-24 - Pulled Over
Gina was pulled over this morning – kind of. The cop was pulling over the car in the lane left of Gina. Gina slowed down to try and let the pair pass. As she did so, she came alongside the police cruise and saw the officer inside point to her. Gina took this as a symbol to pull over, and she did so – ahead of the other car. Gina waited and waited until the other car pulled away and the officer got into his car. The officer then pulled along-side Gina and asked, “Ma'am, are you waiting for me?” Gina informed him that she thought he wanted her to pull over. No. He just wanted her to get out of the way. Kerry and Bill agreed that the cop communicated poorly. Perhaps police officers should go to the first day of Mime College. They can skip out before The Box and Walking Against The Wind.

2006-10-30 - I'm A Tumor, I'm A Tumor
Gina thinks she has a brain tumor. Obvious jokes aside, she can't smell or taste anything, so she thinks something has gone horribly wrong inside her skull. She invented this hypothesis after watching an E! True Hollywood Story about INXS singer Michael Hutchins who died of auto-erotic asphyxiation. The television show indicated that Michael Hutchins was in a horrible car accident which resulted in his senses of smell and taste becoming ineffective. So depressed by this turn of events, Mr. Hutchins took a trip to Hawaii to learn the pleasures of dressing up as a cowboy and strangling himself whilst engaged in solitary erotic activities. Unfortunately Mr. Hutchins put the footstool too far away and had a horrible accident.

2006-10-31 - I Hate Halloween!
Bill really does hate Halloween. Kerry suggested that Bill start raising his kids as Jehovah's Witness because they don't celebrate Halloween or Birthday's. Bill doesn't have to practice, but the kids couldn't celebrate any more. Bill would do that, but last time he checked the Jehovah's Witness heaven was already full. Bill could raise the kids Amish as well, but he doesn't want to move to Pennsylvania and wear the scratchy clothes. Plus, it costs a fortune in suspenders and wide-brimmed hats. Bill could just lock the kids in the basement, but unfortunately the raccoons in the basement are Jehovah's Witness and have no room.

2006-10-31 - The Omen
Bill isn't raising his children in any religion. How will they know what to think? Kerry belives they'll just ask themselves, "What would Daddy do?" Afterall, Gina's religion is just, "What would Mary Claire do?", and Kerry's is "What would Captain Kirk do?" Bill just worries that his kids won't have someone whom they can dress like and follow around.

2006-11-03 - Keeping Up Appearances
Gina is concerned about her smile. She has one tooth that is slightly discolored. When she was young, Gina and her sister would put on their roller-skates and pretend they were Icecapades. Gina would be the ice, her sister would be capades. On of of these occasions of skating and kicking in an enclosed indoor room, Gina and her sister ran into each other, fell to the ground, got up, and found that they had knocked out the exact same tooth. When the tooth was repaired, she was informed that the tooth would need to be replaced in five years. She's never had it replaced. Bill is relatively sure that it is rotting from the inside and seeping into her brain.

2006-11-13 - Fear Itself
Besides cougars, snakes, sting-rays, dark parking lots, poo-water, the hood, cheese, and sushi, there is only one thing that scares Gina; the wind. Gina is terrified of rapidly moving air. Her alter ego, Scary Windee, gets nervous when the leaves start skittering down the street.

Gina also has a fear that someone will steal her TV if they see it, so she never opens the blinds on the front of The Historical House of Character. Bill wondered if Joe treats her like a special needs child when she refuses to let him open the blinds?

Gina was also caused great distress by a backfiring car across the street. She was sure that the loud cracking sound was that of gun-fire. Frightened as she was, Gina isn't capable of diving for safety, so she lazily rolled her body off the couch, collapsed her skeleton to fit in the space underneath the sofa and screamed for the children to, "GRAB SOME FLOOR!!" When people visit Kerry's house, he provides his guests with slippers. When people visit Gina's house they are treated to complimentary Flak jackets.

2006-11-13 - CSI: Simmons Media
Richie was working an overnight shift on Friday night/Saturday morning. There is nobody else in the building at those hours. So when he heard glass shatter, he became a bit concerned. He walked out of the studio and saw that some guy had kicked a window in and was then attempting to crawl in. When Richie yelled, "Hey! What are you doing!?" the intruder replied, "Trying to get in." Richie then commanded that the man, "Get outta here!" to which the man replied, "Ok." and slowly backed out of the window and slowly walked down the street. Richie called the police, but they didn't seem to think that it was a big deal since the guy hadn't actually gotten in the building. Richie was pretty sure the guy was hopped up on "goofballs."

A similar thing happened to Gina at the KJQ studio in Ogden. The studio had a sliding window that wouldn't lock. Gina was working an overnight shift when some kid, at 4:30am, just opened the window and asked Gina for some stickers. Gina didn't give him any. Bill also had fond memories of the KJQ studio in Ogden. He reminisced about the time he went out to the parking lot to find his tires slashed to pieces. Good times.

2006-11-14 - Back to Gina
As the show hadn't been about Gina for about 5 minutes, she informed Kerry and Bill that she had a tick once. It was scary! Her dad had to burn it off with a match, and she was worried that he wouldn't get the head and it would continue to burrow into her. Bill doesn't believe that happens because he's had three ticks of his own and he isn't stupid. According to the prestigious internet, burning a tick with a match is not a good idea. In fact, the best way is to grab the tick with a pair of tweezers as close to the skin as possible and pull it straight out.

2006-11-15 - Xmas Xcitement
Gina was excited for Xmas in The Historical House of Character, but has been disappointed. She can't have lights on her house because there are no external outlets. It's hopeless. She couldn't run a cord from inside the house. She couldn't have an outlet installed. Gina is bewildered by the fact that no one, in the 100 years that the house has existed, had the idea to install an outside outlet, not to mention porch lights. Kerry grew weary of her bitching and suggested that she go home, get the cream out of the ice box and start churning the butter.

2006-11-22 - Don't You Know Who I Am?
Gina has no business living in a Historical House of Character. In fact, she's the last person that should live in a house with character. If Gina had her way, she'd be living in a brand new house, and she'd move to a brand new home every couple of years – just for the smell of fresh paint. She lives in The Historical House of Character because Joe wanted an older home and Gina loves her husband. Kerry and Bill cannot figure out how Gina got Joe to marry her. She doesn't like the food he likes, doesn't like the stores he shops at, and doesn't like anything with character. Gina knows; sex. That's her “ace-in-the-hole.”

2006-11-22 - The Worms Go In
Really, Joe should have married Bill. If only either of them were homosexual. Bill really wants to start an indoor compost heap. Bill even wants to build it into his coffee table. There would be a drawer full of dirt and worms and worm poo – right in the house. Gina is hoping that Joe doesn't year about this, or he'll want to do it. Gina is afraid that the worms will escape and seek out the rich, loamy soil of Gina's ears and nostrils.

2006-12-05 – Beating Anxiety

Macey's 20% Off Sale
by Kerry Jackson

But, it's cashmere.
Yeah, but it's too thick.

You know he's a good boy,
He eats everything that's put in front of him.

These are the Beanies that,
Ya know, are popular with,
Ya know, the younger crowd.

Would you rather have 15% off?

2006-12-06 - Tequila
Bill was suffering a bit from a "hangover cramp," brought on by the Tequila Pairing last night. Bill enjoyed the food but thought the venison tasted a lot like deer meat. It really should have tasted more like venison. Gina, of course, did not eat the venison. The generously kind chefs brought her special-need plate consisting of chicken, black beans guacamole, tortillas, and a slaw salad. Gina ate the chicken and tortillas. With all of her dietary specialties, Bill thinks that Gina really should be a Jew or something.

2006-12-15 - Caring About The Enviro
Speaking of hermaphroditic mutant deer, Bill has accepted an invitation to tour the Energy Solutions facilities. In the past, Bill has been somewhat critical of Energy Solutions and their environmental and business policies. However, a goodly number of Radio From Hell Friends Of the Program work at the disposal plant and extended the glowing hand of friendship. Bill figured the he owned them at least a tour and a lunch. Kerry warned Bill to be wary of tranquilizer wielding PR officers.

2006-12-15 - A Rest
Kerry and Bill need a rest. Gina gets to stay home too. Kerry is so tired that the Paul Harvey photograph on his wall is starting to talk and berate him. Bill isn't sure that he'll actually get any rest. There is no rest for the wicked.

2006-07-05 - The Historical House of Character
Keeping up with the Jones' is hard. Every time a thunderstorm blows through, there are more branches in Gina's yard. Also, the parking strip has become the Jäger Strip due to the preponderance of beer and Jägermeister bottles found there.

There was also a pantie raid at The Historical House of Character. Instead of her usual outlet, Panties By The Pound, Gina ordered some underwear from Victoria's Secret. In "da Hood" where Gina lives, she has to check the mail everyday. She can't let it pile up like she did in Sandy, but she neglected to check the mail for one day. She went out the next day and found the package with the "V.S" on it, and she new it was her new panties. Unfortunately, the box had been opened and it's contents removed. Gina was baffled. Who would want to take the underwear of someone else? Kerry, knowing Gina's neighborhood, is pretty sure that it was taken by cross-dressers. Bill is less certain, but has a suspicion that it might be Joe.

Kerry is starting a new countdown clock. Between the poo-water, the mold, the garage, the lack of space, air conditioning, pantie raids, lack of a peep-hole, lack of a porch light, beer bottles, Jägermeister bottles, and tree-limbs, Gina will begin to talk about finding a new home on the radio within the next year.

2006-07-10 - Garbage
Bill won; he found the bottle of urine whilst adopting the highway on Saturday. He even picked it up and threw it away, even though it was against the rules. He also wore short pants in defiance of the rules. In fact, Bill didn't even read the damn rules. Gina, on the other hand, read all the rules. Gina likes rules. Rules exist so that Gina doesn't have to do any thinking.

2006-07-11 - Our Son Kyle
After a hefty workout, Kyle needs to relax his muscles. Of course, Kyle isn't made of money, so he has to improvise his do-it-yourself hot-tub. The main ingredients in a good hot tub are the tub, water, bubbles, and heat. Kyle went down to the local IFA and picked himself up a horse trough to use as the tub. He took it to Bill's house and used the hose to fill it up. Kyle then added the electric leaf-blower to add some bubbles. Finally, an electric iron to provide some cheap heat. Kyle was so relaxed that he instantly fell asleep.*

*Most of you are probably wise enough, but do not, for any reason, try this at home.

2006-07-13 - Critters IV
Kerry's wife can't stand critters. She's declared war on the squirrels in the back yard, and was severely disturbed when she thought she heard a scratching whilst in the shower. The former farm-boy, Kerry, went up into the attic, but didn't see any dreaded mice, droppings, matchbox beds, thread spool tables, or tiny alarm clocks. Kerry then went up on the roof and inspected some of the pipes coming out of his roof. Inside one of the openings he saw a bird. It wasn't making it out of the pipe alive. Kerry managed to pull the pipe out slightly and fished the bird out.

2006-07-17 - Cherish Is The Word
Bill spent the weekend with his family cherishing the cabin. Bill's mom has a cabin, so Bill took the kids up there to see their Grandmother and do some activities in the out of doors. Bill doesn't consider that to be camping, but he did cherish the cabin. Bill cherishes the cabin by waking up and drinking immediately. Bill's ex-wife took care of Little Mrs. Bill and Little Bill was busy expressing his respect for all living things by bashing a fish to death with a rock.

2006-07-26 - The Lord's Work
The LDS Missionaries paid a visit to Bill over the weekend. It was just after dinner and Bill had a glass of red wine with him when he and Mrs. Bill answered the door. Bill and Mrs. Bill informed the young men that they knew who they were and knew what they believed and that they weren't interested in the message. One of the missionaries then asked, "Well, what do you believe?" Mrs. Bill replied that they were pretty much atheists, to which the missionary responded, "Oh. That's lame."

2006-07-26 - Gina Update II
Gina really is Italian. She had a pizza with only sauce and oregano, with no cheese - right off the menu. Nothing special had to happen. It was fabulous. Of course, she is having trouble explaining her traditionally Italian distaste for a Canoli (it has cheese in it). Joe, on the other hand, is in heaven. He bought himself a huge hunk of cheese and ate it whilst sitting on a 600 year old wall. He couldn't be happier.

Gina is having a lot of fun, but she has to walk everywhere, and it's hot. Plus, she's been wearing skirts everyday, so her thighs are rubbing together and developing sores. Gina thought she needed to get some Gold Bond powder, but Bill and Kerry warned her off. Using that stuff is just like putting flour down there - it will just make sweaty little dumplings of powder, which, incidentally, is how the Italians make gnocchi.

2006-07-31 - Gina Update
Gina is in Milan today. Everything within arms reach is covered in graffiti. Gina isn't sure if she'll be in the studio Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. Gina isn't a boy, so she doesn't really know her itinerary. Bill always knows his itinerary because of his pennis.

Whilst in Cinque Terra, Gina did a lot of dirt walking, or as most people call it, hiking. There were different paths between each of the five cities. One of the paths was called Via dell'Amore - the path of love. Gina didn't know why a long, dark, warm, moist cave was called Via dell'Amore.

There was also a nude beach in Cinque Terra, but you had to climb down a steep and rocky path. Gina thought it was too much trouble to get down there. She didn't know why people wouldn't just go back to their hotel rooms if they wanted to be naked. Atropos agreed. Being naked in a hotel room is exactly like being naked on the beach - minus the sand, and ocean, and sun, and fresh air.

2006-08-15 - Sprite Please
Gina needs some sorts. She out of sorts. Please bring Gina some sorts. She was driving to work this morning when a spider began to crawl down from the ceiling of her vehicle. Instead of doing a sensible thing like calmly pulling to the side of the road – Gina slammed on her breaks. She noticed that the spider had a handkerchief full of belongings attached to a stick over it's shoulder and instantly identified it as the dreaded Hobo Spider.

2006-08-17 - Waiting For His Moment
Kerry, Bill, and Gina were a little worried about the security at O'Hare airport on their return to SLC. This was after the big scare in the London airports about liquid explosives. Gina and Jonesie had to travel back by themselves as Joe was staying in Chicago for business. Joe and Gina had purchased Jonesie a very nice device called a “Sit-n-Stroll”, which is a car seat that converts to a stroller. For security, however, Gina had to pull Jonesie out of the stroller, fold up the stroller into the car seat, and send it through the X-Ray machine. She was able to get it folded and through security, but on the other side, she wasn't able to put it back into stroller form. Gina had never had to do it before, of course, since her man was around, but now she was on her own. She enlisted Bill's help, but Bill couldn't figure it out either. Gina started to call Joe when Kerry lost his patience, stomped over to the stroller, and converted it in five seconds. He dubbed it, “Optimus Pram.”

2006-08-18 - Credentials
Bill is now a self-credentialed life coach. It takes a lot of self-confidence and self-coaching to credential yourself. If you need some help from Bill, you can enter his “Coaching Den” which, on the surface, may look a great deal like Bill's radio cubicle. However, if you look carefully, you'll notice that Bill is facing towards his Coaching Credential (made with his very own laptop) when in his “Coaching Den.” If he is facing away from this Coaching Credential, he's in his radio cubicle. Next he'll be printing off his own Self-Made Life-Coaching business cards. Bill did a little live coaching with Kerry who doesn't feel that he has enough time during the day to do the things he needs to. Bill suggested that, when he feels that way, Kerry should look himself in the mirror and say, “What do you mean, ass-face!? You've got all the time in the world!”

2006-09-01 - I've Got A System
Gina doesn't write lists. She might not look at the list, and then she'd forget something. Instead, Gina uses the time-tested method of "out-of-place-in-the-mind." For example, Gina's sunglasses case is on her dashboard instead of her console. This reminds her to purchase hot-dogs. She has a can of diet coke in the middle of her table to remind her of the camera. Finally, she has a trout in her pants to remind her to pick up the trailer.

2006-09-14 - Missing You
Gina is missing Joe in that way... You know...that way. For Gina, the best thing about Joe traveling, is the opportunity to engage in phone sex. Bill really doesn't want to picture poking the raccoon with a stick. The problem with Joe's current trip is that it is the longest that Gina and Joe have been separated, and the time change has baffled Gina's ability to engage in her lurid behavior. When she can talk, Joe is busy. When Joe can talk, the kids are around. The four curly man-hairs that Joe left in the bed just aren't enough to satisfy Gina's lust.

2006-0914 - Unforgettable Quote
“Nothing will wilt spinach like an Egyptian fart.” - Bill Allred

2006-09-18 - Generosity
Bill and the lovely Mrs. Bill ran into Radio From Hell show-notes author Atropos at The Gateway on Saturday. Bill was pretty sure that Atropos noticed him come in, but tried to act as if he didn't. Atropos was sitting with his wife and another woman whom he introduced as his 'friend.' As Atropos hails from Utah County, Bill and Kerry have assumed that this other woman might be Atropos' polygamous spouse.

During the course of the meal, Bill surreptitiously informed his waiter that he and Mrs. Bill would be paying for Atropos' dinner. When Atropos was informed of this he was grateful, but upbraided Bill for being more generous than he. Atropos had attempted to purchase Bill and Mrs. Bill a round of drinks, but his waiter was a bit daft and refused to grasp the concept.

2006-09-18 - Adventures
Gina had a miniature adventure in staying at the Buckhorn Motel. When she arrived in her room the first thing she noticed was the vomit in the corner of the room. It wasn't just a smear of vomit that hadn't been cleaned properly; it was a giant, dried, chunky puddle. The unfortunate thing was that the vomit was not the winner in the "Most Disgusting or Disturbing Item Found At The Buckhorn Motel" contest. The Sainted Mary Claire and Daddy Gary won that contest. In the middle of their room, a large portion of the carpet had been moved, but the pad beneath it was still intact and stained with blood. Gina had decided at that point that she was driving, no matter how far away it was, to a larger city with a livable motel. Unfortunately, she was informed by The Sainted Mary Claire that they couldn't leave because the motel was owned by the family of the bride-to-be.

Kerry also had an adventure in a motel room a long time ago. He and a friend were on a road trip to California and stayed in a dump on Sunset Blvd. Kerry's first clue that something may not be exactly proper about the hotel was the dirty, used pair of tight-whitey underwear underneath the sink. It only got better from there when a pounding started on his door at 1:00am. There was no peephole, so Kerry loudly asked who it was through the door. It was someone looking for "Ray." Kerry attempted to assure the man that there wasn't a "Ray" in the room, but the man persisted. Kerry finally cracked the door to see a huge, hulking man standing at the door. Kerry again assured him that he didn't know "Ray." The man apologized and went on his way.

Bill's hotel adventure took place in the Chelsea Hotel in New York City. That's the same hotel in which Sid and Nancy spent their last evening together. The room Bill stayed in didn't even have a bathroom. Just a sink. The sink was inhabited by a mouse who would periodically crawl out of the drain to spy on Bill. Underneath the bed were three huge and empty wine jugs.

2006-09-18 - Xangorita
Find a Xango distributor in The Ward and purchase some of the unpleasant beverage. Go to the liquor store and purchase some good (not Jose Cuervo) tequila. Go to the grocery store and purchase some Simply Limeade. Mix 2 oz. of tequila with 1 oz. of Xango, and fill the rest with ice and limeade. Try very hard to enjoy. Relax. It cures cancer.

2006-09-22 - The Shack of Electromagnetic Modulation
Kerry had to visit a certain store in order to find an extension chord for his headphones. When he asked the clerk where the cords were, the clerk asked, “Why?” So, Kerry had to explain that he doesn't like the big studio headsets, so he uses regular Walkman-style headphones. The clerk then felt obligated to inform Kerry that he wouldn't be hearing a “true mix” of sound. Kerry just wishes the weird people that always seem to work at that store would just leave him alone. Bill hasn't been back to that store since they voted him out of the battery club.

2006-09-25 - Farting Cardamom
David Beckham's portrait has been added to the National Portrait Gallery in Britain. It is not, however, a standard painting. It's actually a video of Mr. Beckham sleeping for eight hours. Joe once took a picture of Gina sleeping. It's adorable. Kerry thought it might be interesting to film Gina sleeping for a few hours. Of course, Kerry thought, Gina couldn't never allow that because she might fart. That's impossible. Gina never farts. Nor does Joe. Kerry knows that isn't true; they won't do it while they are awake, so they have to do it at night so they won't explode. Kerry used to be polite around his wife and try and hide his flatulence, but then Sue “cut one” in front of him. Since then it's been game-on! Bill tries to wait until Mrs. Bill leaves the room for a while, but she often returns to the room too promptly.

2006-09-29 - Radio Groupies
Though Kerry and Bill have both married women they met through the radio, neither recommend it. Also, they don't recommend marrying someone so far out of your league. Kerry and Bill are pretty convinced that they'll be alone at the end of their lives, their wives having left them. Gina suggested that they should live together. They could just sit around all day and drink whiskey. Kerry and Bill don't think that'll work out very well. First of all, they'll always be fighting over the whiskey. “THE LORD CALVERT'S MINE!” “WELL, WE'RE OUT OF WILD TURKEY!” “DRINK YOUR WISKEY STRAIGHT! LIKE A MAN! DON'T RUIN IT WITH THAT COKE!!!” Then there will be the fighting over who gets to have Richie change their catheter first.

(Author's note: I know this “Best of...” entry is long, but there is a lot of really good material I had to leave out. April, May, and June were particularly funny as Gina moved into The Historical House of Character, Bill stole his softener salt, and Kerry had a visit to The Trembling Hills Home for the Very, Very Nervous)

2006-04-07 - This is Heavy
Gina's back hurts. Her boobs are too big. They're enormous! Bill and Kerry think that the problem is that Gina's back is too weak. Her spine is only supported by rolls of fat instead of muscle. Wait - never mind - Gina doesn't have a spine. Critics of Radio From Hell take note; Kerry, Bill, and Gina don't just talk about politics and hating President Bush. They do talk about boobies. Up next, the Friday Morning Fart Song.

2006-04-10 - Mix-up
Jon Stewart of The Daily Show will not be the guest speaker at The DaVinci Academy gala. Jon Stewart, the former wrestler turned motivational speaker, was scheduled to be the speaker. Though a series of mix-ups and mistakes, the wrong "celebrity" was contacted and scheduled. The school's website even contained a video annoucing Jon Stewart of The Daily Show. The school realized their mistake and made a press release apologizing for the mistake.

2006-04-10 - True Colors
Joe has finally given up on being himself. He's started to succumb to Gina's way of life. When Gina got home, he was watching The Chronicles of Riddick. He then suggested that they go to Red Lobster for dinner. While at Red Lobster he ordered a "Alotta Colada" which was a huge bowl of coconut flavored juice with a little rum in it. It came with a side-car though! Joe thought their waitress might be Scottish. Gina though their waitress might be hearing impaired. They couldn't figure out a polite way to ask, so Gina just ate her heavily battered and fried shellfish.

2006-04-11 - Cross Dressing
Gina had a pile of clothes she was going to give to the Deseret Industries. Festus has to go through the piles of merchandise before it is taken to the D.I. to ensure that Gina didn't throw away anything he wanted to keep. Gina had a jean-jacket-vest with frayed cut-off arms in the pile. It was part of her biker/pirate look. Festus thought it was cool and put it on. Gina was worried that Fetsus was wearing women's clothing. Bill and Kerry thought he was safe until he put on Gina's jean skirt. Besides, the he's just a kid. He doesn't know any better. What is Gina's excuse for owning such a cliché piece of clothing? Gina saw it in the store and liked it, but she only wore it once or twice since. Kerry gets the impression that Gina is an expensive wife. She has hair and nail appointments all the time. She buys a lot of clothes that she hardly wears and she has to have the expensive version of Bill's car - which she treats like crap. She drove Joe's car into work today and it's immaculate even though it is years older than her car. Joe's car smells like leather. Gina's car smells like fries. Kerry doesn't fart in front of his wife, so his car smells like ass.

2006-04-17 - It's Historic
When The Sainted Mary Claire traded Daddy Tom for Daddy Gary she was trading The Incredible Drunk for The Incredible Hulk. Gina had been storing a couch for Daddy Gary and The Sainted Mary Claire in her garage/shed. Daddy Gary wanted to come by and pick it up. When Daddy Gary arrived, Gina left Jonesie inside while she went out to help move the couch into the truck. Daddy Gary tried to open the overhead door on the garage, but found it extremely difficult. Gina explained that it was old and didn't work very well. She told him to go ahead and break the door. There was no other way to open it than pulling as hard as possible. Daddy Gary pulled as hard as he could and tore the door open. Part of the door came off the track, but it was open. Daddy Gary then wanted to measure the couch to make sure it would fit in the truck. Gina went to the far end of the garage and suddenly the door came crashing down. The garage was pitch black and there is no other way in or out of the garage. No windows, no doors. Daddy Gary then had to break the door even more to get it to open so that Gina could get back to the screaming Jonesie. Because Gina lives in the hood, she was worried about all the stuff she had left in the garage that was no longer behind a door. Using her keen knowledge of the criminal mind, she rolled her garbage cans in front of the opening. Bill was curious as to why Gina neglected to hang a sheet from the doorway?

2006-04-17 - Unforgettable Quote
"How do you think it feels for me? I'm the one with the butter inside." - Gina Barberi

2006-04-17 - Stealing
Bill stole something this weekend. It wasn't an accident. He thought about it, decided to do it, and did it. He was shopping for groceries and forgot to tell the clerk that he wanted two bags of water-softner salt. He got out to his car and realized his omission. Bill did not want to go back into the store, so he just began rolling his cart back to the front of the store intent on stealing the salt. A clerk collecting shopping carts told him that he could take his cart for him, but Bill told him that he needed it to load the salt. He loaded the salt on the grocery cart, loaded his car, and drove away.

Kerry stole the best damned pepper grinder he's ever had - and from a really fancy restaurant. He also stole a pair of slippers with the Wynn logo on them from a housecleaning cart.

Gina is shocked and appalled at both of them. The only thing she's ever stolen are French fries from the plates of the people she was serving at the JB's

2006-04-20 - Woman of Mystery
Gina truly is a woman of mystery. After deciding to extend the show until 2:30pm to accommodate Candace and her desire to hear the Las Vegas stories, Kerry, Bill, and Gina decided to send Richie to the Hires for lunch. Gina told Richie to just ask one of the car hops for “Gina's usual.” Any car hop? Yes. Any one of them. He did so, and they knew what she wanted; hamburger combo meal with ketchup only, and a vanilla coke. Now Joe knows that Gina has been sneaking behind Joe's back.

2006-04-20 - Mistaken Identity
Because Gina is staying late, she needs to pump at the studio. She'll have to store the milk in the refrigerator until she can take it home. Bill won't mind as long as she labels it. He doesn't want to get it mixed up with his bull semen sample.

2006-05-04 - On the Pot
Bill has some new toilets in his home. They are a Japanese brand that Bill is very excited about. They cradle the buttocks nicely. Plus, they have no-slam lids. Gina's new toilet has a button on top, which she liked at first, but now she doesn't. She can't put anything on top of the toilet, like her magazine. What? Gina reads in the bathroom? After giving Kerry and Bill such grief about it? Gina only does it at home. Her magazines only have familial poo-cooties. Kerry and Bill will put the Money section or a comic book under their arm and march off to the bathroom. Gina knows what they are going to go do! So? Bill would be happy to stand up and announce it to the entire office. The other thing is that Gina's magazine never leaves the bathroom again. Kerry's comic books end up in the dollar-bin at Dr. Volts.

2006-05-05 - Mr. Pavlov
The consultant for The Radio From Hell Show, Dr. David "Pavlov" Beezing, has ordered Kerry, Bill, and Gina to announce the station and the show name every 6 minutes. In order to avoid forgetting this all important improvement in the flow of the show, Kerry had initiated the use of "the timer" to remind whoever is speaking that they must now stop, mid-sentence, and announce the station and show name, in case someone is an accidental listener. This should be an enormous aid to all of those listeners with Alzheimer's.

2006-05-09 - Death of the Timer
The timer has passed-on. It irritated Bill one too many times. He beat it to death with a trailer hitch that we inexplicably present in the studio.

2006-05-11 - My Little Skate-rat Friend
Bill was riding his bike through the U of U campus last night and accidentally made friends with a little skate-rat. A lot of people skateboard through the campus. In fact, a week or so ago, Bill saw someone skating on 2nd South with a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other hand, going 45 miles an hour. Part of Bill admires that "wild at heart" attitude, but the more practical side of him recognized the thinning of the herd.

As Bill was riding, a little skate-rat shot out in front of him. He had to brake hard while in a turn and his bike slid out from under him. Bill wasn't hurt at all. His bike's pedal was a little scraped up. The kid stopped and was very worried. "Oh gosh man! Are you alright man? I'm really sorry man!" Bill was a little touched that the kid would stop and was worry about him instead of just skating off while flipping-the-bird.

Bill's story gave Kerry some hope. If skaters and bikers could be friends, maybe there could be peace in the middle east; maybe bears and sharks would no longer be natural enemies. After a moment, however, Kerry thought better of it. Snowboarders and skiers at Alta can't even get along. Bill was not aware that bears and sharks were natural enemies. Of course, bears are the natural enemies of pretty much everything. As Stephen Colbert says, bears are nothing but godless killing machines.

2006-05-11 - Mrs. Doubtfire, Do You Take Joe....
Kerry has solved all of Gina's problems. Kerry's wife is going to work and can no longer care for little Jonesie. Gina waited until the last minute to find a nanny, and now has to rush through the stressful task. Kerry has a better solution. Instead of Gina looking for a nanny, Joe needs to look for a second wife. Joe is of middle-eastern heritage and they have a long history of polygamy. Gina and Joe can work and can support the second wife while she takes care of all the kids and chores. Gina is ok with that solution as long as she doesn't have to share the sex. An impotent wife is what Gina wants. Bill isn't sure that women can be impotent. Perhaps Gina means "frigid." Whatever. Gina just needs a woman who wants all the benefits of marriage without the sex. Richie wants all the benefits of marriage without the sex. Of course, Joe's five o'clock shadow would give Richie a wicked case of whisker burn. No. Kerry doesn't think that will work at all. No one is going to just want to take care of her kids for free. They'll need some Joe in return. Gina is pretty sure that Joe could handle it. He is an awful lot of man. Thanks for listening. Gina, you are smart and beautiful.

2006-05-11 - Penthouse Letters
Before riding down to the U of U, Bill had ridden up Immigration Canyon. He got to the Sun and Moon Café and began to turn around and was getting a drink of water. He then noticed an attractive blonde walking towards him. At this point, Gina decided to ask Bill if he wrote the story in a letter to Penthouse. Thanks for Listening. Gina is smart and beautiful.

After a few commercials and regaining his composure, Bill continued his story. The woman came up to Bill and explained that she was trying to deliver a letter to the house behind The Sun and Moon Café. That house has been in disrepair for years. The woman claimed that she was creeped out by the house and wondered if Bill would wait and watch her deliver the letter. Bill agreed and the task was quickly finished. Afterwards she thanked Bill for waiting. Bill told her that it was no problem but he was perplexed by the fact that she was scared to deliver a letter in broad daylight, but would quickly make friends with a complete stranger on a bike.

2006-05-11 - I Never Believed it Could Happen To Me
Later, on the same bike trip, Bill happened upon a ravine in the middle of the city which was swarming with cops and news reports. Usually Bill just rides on, but he was so close he decided to ask one of the officers what was going on. Bill spoke with Officer Gill Salazar. No Gina, Officer Salazar didn't take his shirt off. Thanks for listening. Gina, you are smart and beautiful. Officer Salazar did run down a burglar on foot and managed to recover two backpacks full of goods. Bill stuck out his hand and congratulated Officer Salazar on a job well done.

Gina thinks Bill's stories would have been better if he had sex with blonde and if Officer Salazar had taken his shirt off. Thanks for listening. Gina, you are smart and beautiful.

2006-05-16 - Our Son Kyle
Kyle is right on the bleeding edge of popular culture. On the heels of David Blaine's failure to break the world's breath-holding record, Kyle has constructed his own fishbowl and will attempt to break the record. He wasn't able to transport the structure to Lincoln Center in New York, but it is out on the corner of State and Main in downtown Salt Lake City. Unfortunately Kyle was unable to break the record after floating in the bowl with his fudge striped cookies for 4 entire minutes. He easily broke the 9 second mark, but after that Kyle decided that the whole thing was stupid.

2006-05-16 - Boyz In Da Hood
Gina's house is sweltering. The A/C in The Historical House of Character is broken. No one can come and fix it for at least 48-hours. Also, the windows are painted shut and Gina apparently doesn't own a putty knife. In order to keep the house livable, Gina has had to leave the doors on the house open, with no screen doors to dissuade coyotes, cougars, rapists, or bears from coming in. While giving Jonesie a bath, Gina heard the doorbell ring and then hear Festus talking with someone. Luckily it was just her neighbor, Jeff. He came over to inform Gina that one of her historical sprinklers was broken. While chatting with her neighbor both Sadie-Girl and Precious came to see who was at the door. Jeff then asked, "You don't leave them outside do you? We've had a real problem with dog-napping in the area." Gina was glad to know it. Precious usually stays indoors, but she'll be sleeping in the yard for the foreseeable future.

Joe also wants to get an alarm system for The Historical House of Character and put sensors on all the doors and windows. Gina doesn't know why. You can't even open the windows! She didn't tell Joe that, of course. She just nodded like a good wife and then complained about it on the radio.

Gina also complained about the fan that Joe brought home last night. Gina wanted a massive house fan, but, after spending two hours on Consumer Reports looking for the right fan Joe picked a tiny little thing that was only 6" high. Kerry knows why; the fan is probably made of 100% recycled parts and runs on solar power and canola oil. You put the fan out in the sun for 8 hours and then the solar power battery can start the ignition on the canola oil engine. He probably picked it up from Wild Oats where it was made by hand, while he waited, by two members of Phish.

2006-05-19 - Neglected News
Keifer Sutherland is a drunk.

2006-05-25 - Kerry
Kerry also just heard that Chunga had a full body liposuction done. That gave Kerry just enough schadenfreude to make it through the day. Bill heard that UDOT is using all of the fat they sucked out of Chunga to paint the HOV lane stripe all the way into Utah County. Apparently UDOT needed an enormous amount of a very sticky substance and asked Chunga to volunteer.

2006-06-05 - The Gay
Kerry, Bill, and Gina almost caught The Gay at the Gay Pride parade yesterday. After the parade, Gina really wanted to have heterosexual sex with Joe. They managed to have sex, but it wasn't heterosexual. Bill is a big supporter of gay-rights, but he can't think about gay sex at all or he gets all oogie inside. Bill considers himself to have almost everything in common with gay men - except the sex. Bill does know why, however, men don't get oogie when thinking about lesbian sex. Men are always thinking to themselves, "You know, if I was there, they wouldn't have to do that."

2006-06-16 - Margaret Ruth
Pay attention to your wife and not to M*A*S*H reruns or she may cheat on you. Adult men will find time to be *alone* whether they are having a ton of sex or not. If you feel neglected, you can be *alone* too.

2006-06-19 - Jenny Craig
According to Gina, weight-loss entrepreneur Jenny Craig can't talk. Apparently she was napping on her couch when something startled her. As she sat up, her jaw popped in a funny way and now she can't open her mouth. Gina thought that was absolutely astounding! Bill was less than impressed. He once knew a guy who had his breastbone split right down the middle. It cracked after the guy had taken an enormous hit of pot and then reached for some peanuts.

2006-01-10 - Punk's Movie Review and Junk Food Update
In Santa's Slay, Santa has a naughty list and you'd better pray you're not on it.  An angel tricked the son of Satan - Santa - into being good for a thousand years and the time limit is almost up.  It's scary but educational.  4.5 Prozac and a couple bottles of NyQuil.  Have a pork roast with mashed potatoes and gravy; some grandma's jello; blue raspberry snow-cone candy; Care Bear candy canes; a bag of gold nugget gum; a box of winter Lucky Charms; and a cherry slush puppy.

2006-01-13 - All About Gina
Gina called in this morning to update Radio From Hell on her condition.  All is well and she is back to feeling mostly normal.  However, Joe does have her imprisoned in his Basement surrounded in a "Health Zone."  There is not a French Fry anywhere.  Gina is also trying to breast feed, but is off to a bit of a slow start.  She isn't quite producing enough milk yet, so Jonesie is constantly sucking.  Gina was under the impression that her breasts were for fun instead.  The Sainted Mary Claire had been staying with Gina but went home yesterday.  Mary Claire's job was to get a perfect picture of Jonesie and to constantly remind Gina to wear her girdle.  A girdle is the only way, besides proper diet and exercise, that you can get your stomach back in shape after a baby.

2006-01-19 - New Year's Resolution
Bill considered two resolutions for this year.  He briefly considered quitting the random discharging of his rifle from his back porch, but felt that he was not quite ready.  The report of the rifle and the distant screams and yelling sustain Bill.  Since that is an unreachable goal, Bill has settled on wearing his Airwalk sneakers more often.

2006-01-23 - All About Gina
After fighting with the equipment for two hours, Gina was finally able to be on the show.  She's starving to death because she can't eat any deli meat.  Joe tried to bring her a big stick of salami, but Gina doesn't want to have another baby and the doctor told her to wait at least six weeks.  In the meantime, Gina is doing her kegels.

2006-01-23 - Shaving Nuts
Kerry's wife brought in a big pan of sticky cinnamon rolls.  She even shaved hazlenuts for them.  Gina wasn't aware that you could shave nuts.  Kerry informed her that all you need is a nut razor to get off the hard outer coating.  Bill has a different method.   He gets one of the bags that oranges come in and put his nuts into that, making a 'nut-sack' of sorts.  He then takes the sack and rubs the nuts vigorously through the sack.  Works great.  Bill isn't sure but he may have gotten that tip from Martha Stewart - or maybe Penthouse.

2006-01-25 – All About Gina
Apparently Gina still has pregnant brain.  She actually left the house to pick up Festus from school.  While driving, she realized she needed gas.  She pulled into the gas station, paid at the pump, locked the auto-fill lever and got back in the car out of the cold.  While sitting there, she decided that it was time to go get Festus, started the car, put the car in gear and drove away - with the pump still attached to the car.  Gina realized her mistake almost right away and stopped.  Fortunately for her, gas pumps are now equipped with break-away hoses specifically designed for pregnant women.

2006-02-10 - Obscure
Kerry had never heard of this thing called "Let Down."  Bill had never heard of it until he lived with a woman who breast fed.  People thought Kerry was playing his role on the radio, but he really had never heard of it.  Kerry is just curious if he's gonna need a rain slicker or some other kind of liquid-proof device to protect him from Gina's milk.  Some people think that the human pregnancy is proof of some kind of intelligent designer.  Bill disagrees.  Bill thinks that human pregnancy is horribly engineered.  The kangaroo pouch is a much, much better design and much, much less painful.

2006-02-15 - Start Them Early
Bill was up at the liquor store with Little Mrs. Bill.  Bill picked up a small handbasket, and suddenly Little Mrs. Bill really wanted one.  Bill thought they were only going to be there a minute, so he gave her one.  Little Mrs. Bill immediately went over to the beer and started piling bottles into her basket.

2006-03-02 - The Couple What Does Stuff
Gina wants she and Joe to be the couple that does stuff together.  Joe has a new idea; he wants to take Gina to Kansas City for a class on BBQ judging.  It costs $60 for the class and then they'll have a t-shirt, hat, and newsletter that say they know something about judging BBQ.  Apparently they teach prospective judges how to avoid eating too much at one time.  There's a trick to it.  Bill doesn't think that Gina will be able to do that since, when it comes to meat, she'll never stop eating.  She even chews on the gristle until all the meat is gone.  Kerry isn't so optimistic.  He figures she'll flunk out the moment she mentions Tony Roma's to the instructor.

2006-03-14 - Aggressively Stupid
While attending a showing of Walk The Line at Brewvies over the weekend, Bill was a bit concerned when the two females behind him were talking throughout the previews.  When the movie began, Bill hoped that they would stop, but they didn't.  Bill then turned around and stared at the women. One of them blurted that they weren't talking "that loud."  Bill then said, "Don't talk during the movie."  Bill continued to stare at the women until they decided to move; a decision which Bill wholeheartedly encouraged.  After relating the story yesterday, Bill received a somewhat angry e-mail from one of the females.  She attended the movie with her mother and was shocked that Bill would act so rudely towards women.  Besides, her mother has had a tough life.  Bill was unsure of how he was supposed to know that, regardless of whether it should make any difference in his behavior.  The Mother then called into the show, and Kerry, Bill, and Gina took the call off the air.  They refrained from playing the call later because The Mother came off quite badly and they didn't want to embarrass her.  Upon hearing this, The Mother then called back, screamed "You suck!", and slammed down the phone.

If this wasn't enough of an incident, the daughter then called in to berate Bill.  She thought he should have behaved much better because he was a radio personality and has a reputation to protect.  Never mind the fact that she and The Mother were rude in the first place by chattering during a movie.  He still should have been more understanding and said, "please," at the beginning of his request for the pair to cease their vocalizations.  The Daughter is obviously the better person because she isn't a radio personality, is a female, and is a biologist.

2006-03-24 - Gifts
Kerry brought gifts for his co-workers.  He found a new store called The NPS Store that sells lightly damaged merchandise.  To Gina he gave a red cafeteria tray.  With that, every meal is a fast-food meal.  No matter what weird food Joe cooks for her, she'll feel at home.  For Bill, since he is a bit more sophisticated, Kerry gave a cellophane pineapple table decoration.  For Richie, Crazy Hat: The Fun Party Hat.  Richie will now be known as "Ol' Crazy Hat."  It's a blue-fur covered top-hat.  For the whole studio; a Vienna Beef Weiner Clock.  Unfortunately Kerry will have to return it....It doesn't work.  But, for everyone else in the office, a box of Plastic, Crucified Jesus'.

2006-03-27 - Crappy Weekend
Joe bought some shelved to put down in Gina's basement.  Gina didn't want her photos, baby books, etc. to be sitting on the floor in case something 'bad' happened.  Not two minutes after Joe went down to put the shelving up, he found Gina upstairs and informed her that their sewer had just backed up over everything. Gina had to go through boxes soaking in pooh-water to try and salvage photos and other collectibles.

2006-03-29 - Wires
Gina hated bed rest.  That seems illogical from Gina "Remaining Seated" "Traveling Pants" "Knuckles" Barberi.  She had to read books while on bed rest because she didn't have a TV.  If you bother to waste time and think about it, Gina has been without her TV for eight months.  The wire man is supposed to come today, but will probably stand her up for the third time.

2006-03-30 Comfort
Gina isn't really comfortable today, but her boots look nice.  They are Ostrich leather boots that Joe gave her for Valentine's Day.  Joe is so charming that he didn't even have to kill the Ostrich.  He simply handed the Ostrich his scimitar and asked the Ostrich to take it's own life.  Many of you may have seen Joe around town.  He has a turban, a thick moustache, a dagger between his teeth, puffy pants, and turned up shoes.  If you are every passed by a fast moving shadow, look up quickly and you might catch a glimpse of Joe on his magic carpet.

Best of The Radio From Hell Blog (July  1, 2005 –  August 31, 2005

(Author’s Note:  A big thanks to our guest blogger today – Mrs. Atropos)

Announcement – July 5, 2005
Gina, “Traveling Pants” “Remaining Seated” Barberi is Pregnant. 

Unforgettable Quote – July 6, 2005
“If it had been a pain in the ass, you wouldn’t be pregnant now.” – Bill Allred

Mensa is Waiting—July 7, 2005
On the evening of the Fourth, Bill went to bed early, and Mrs. Bill took Little Bill to his cousin's house to watch fireworks.  They were watching the big fireworks at Rice Eccles, but Little Bill's cousins were doing some of their own.  A firework went off a little close to Little Bill, and he jumped back exclaiming, "I SAY!"  Apparently he got that phrase from the big, gay, golden robot C3PO.

All About Gina – July 8, 2005
Gina isn’t wearing a maternity outfit today.  She’s just wearing a big shirt and stretchy pants.  Bill likes that much better than the outfits with the stupid ruffled, scallopy sleeves.  Kerry wondered if Gina was going to have liposuction again after this baby.  Gina told him that Dr. Barnes had promised to put her back together again.  In fact, she’s probably going to need him to take something out of her boobs; they are getting huge.  Bill noticed that they weren’t keeping up with her belly.  Gina noticed that Bill was a ass and kicked him.  Kerry cautioned her, reminding Gina that she is kicking for two now.  Bill then pointed out that his boobs didn’t keep up with his belly either.

The Three P's – July 13, 2005
Fresh Faced Mormon Phone Screener, Richie T., went to see "The Fantastic Four" with a nice young lady last night.  In Sunday School last Sunday, the lesson included an admonition to date more and, as a man, to practice the three P's; Plan, Pay, Put out...or, rather, Phun.  It doesn't have anything to do with Pee, much to the dismay of Kerry "Golden Showers" Jackson.  After the "courting" begins, then the woman can help pay.

Load in the Commode – July 13, 2005
Bill had himself a constitutional in his downstairs basement.  He needed to flush twice, but forgot the second flush, and left for the day.  His house cleaners, Maria and Hati (Author's note: My apologies for the spelling), came over as Bill was leaving.  A few moments after leaving he remembered the "gift" he left in the downstairs toilet.  He was so embarrassed that he didn't go back home until he was sure they were gone.  Kerry suggested that he should make it a $10 load and give the nice ladies an extra large tip.  Next time Bill has any plumbing done, he's going to have one of those power toilets put in.

Big Fat Scotty – July, 21 2005
James Doohan has passed away.  Frank is reeling.  Mr. Doohan had Alzheimer’s and pneumonia.  Now he is moldering in the ground.  Kerry once had an action figure of Tom Barberi made.  It started out as a Star Trek II Scotty action figure.  Mr. Doohan used to be very fit and trim during the TV series, but by the time Wrath of Khan rolled out, he had started to bulk up.   Mr. Doohan was also a WWII war hero, who was injured during the D-Day invasion.  He hated William Shatner; always thought Bill was stealing his lines.  Bush and Cheney may have had something to do with his death in order to distract from Karl Rove.

Weekend Roundup – July 26, 2005
Amana appliances are made by a cult.  Geneva tailings look a lot like a brush fire.  Gina will remain seated at Carl's Jr. even in the face of a jerk demanding that she stand up.  Even when the jerk gets mad.  It took Bill 1:40 minutes to make the 40 minute drive from Lindon.  Kerry didn't make funeral potatoes but he did get to eat funeral potatoes.  His friend heard him on the radio and made them for Kerry.  They didn't have the cornflakes on top though.  Kerry will make the cornflake version later.  The funeral potatoes are still with Kerry.  Bill ran over a squirrel with his bike while dodging traffic and smoking police officers.  The squirrel may have been trying to commit suicide as it darted out of Bill's path, then right back. The squirrel, however, was unsuccessful in it's attempt and now requires a wheelchair.

Great Americans – July 29, 2005
There was some debate over Bill's phrase, "You're a great American."  When Bill went into the watchmaker shop to retrieve a few watches and a small clock, the watchmaker informed Bill that he loved it when he told callers that they were "great Americans."  Bill appreciated the compliment and went home and related the story to Mrs. Bill.  Mrs. Bill thought it was funny that the watchmaker was so fond of the phrase as she was recently thinking that the phrase had gotten old.  Some F.O.Ps were not aware of the reason Bill began using the phrase.  On the Sean Hannity Show callers often begin their phone calls with "You're a great American Sean."  To which Mr. Hannity replies, "So are you."  Bill will probably stop saying it someday, when he decides that it is tired and worn out.  If you are concerned, "Let not your heart be troubled.”

The Adventures of the Wilderness Family – July 29, 2005
Gina called into the show from her camping trip in Coulter Bay.  She was pissed because Richie didn't answer line 5 and Kerry wouldn't answer his cell phone.  Kerry carefully explained that they take calls with Margaret Ruth during the 8:00 hour every Friday.  Gina didn't know what time it was in Salt Lake City.  It was 9:12am where she was, in the wilderness.  Wow.  It was 9:07am in Salt Lake.

Gina and Joe didn't arrive in Coulter Bay until after 10:00pm, so they had to set up in the dark.  Bill and Kerry were slightly perplexed seeing as she bolted from the studio at 10:01am yesterday.  Well, Joe had taken her on some detours to see wild flowers and some wildlife.  Was Gina appreciative?  No.  She was a bit annoyed.  She also thought it a bit odd that Joe chose to sleep outside under the stars instead of inside the trailer with her and Festus.  Currently she was sitting in the car while it was raining.  Of course, now all she could possibly do is go into Jackson Hole and buy a chainsaw bear and some overpriced cowboy art.  As her phone began to break up, Kerry and Bill could only hear her if she was whining.

Healthcare – August 2, 2005
Mrs. Bill told Bill to lay off Gina and her eating habits.  Mrs. Bill also thought that eating anything you want was a good part of being pregnant.  Kerry thinks that if Gina is going to eat crap she knows she shouldn't, fine.  He just doesn't want to hear her complaining when she feels like crap.  Kerry is sick of pregnant women feeling as if they are entitled to anything and everything just because they are pregnant.  Gina then invited Kerry to the birth so he could see the misery and pain that women go through.  Kerry doesn't need to see that.  He knows it.  In fact, he knows so much about it, he has no idea why anyone would want to do something like that.  Bill mentioned that if you believe in Intelligent Design, there doesn't seem to be much Intelligence in the birth process.  Lousy engineering.

Pinocchio – August 9, 2005
Gina was complaining that she thinks her nose is getting bigger as she goes along in her pregnancy.  Bill and Kerry were pretty skeptical, but several female F.O.Ps confirmed the story.  A woman's nose can grow when she is pregnant.

Family Time Again – August 15, 2005
Gina was attempting to take Festus to Bear Lake over the weekend, as per Mary Claire’s orders.  When Gina asked where Mary Claire and the family would be, Mary Claire told Gina to go to St. Charles and follow the signs.  Well, Gina attempted to do that.  She got to St. Charles and followed the signs.  What signs?  Who knows?  So she kept driving and driving until she got to Montpelier and was pulled over for speeding.  The officer informed her that the lake was 30 miles back the other direction.  The officer went ahead and let the pregnant lost woman go without a ticket.  So she drove all the way back and finally found Mary Claire.  Upon Gina’s arrival, Mary Claire was tactful enough to ask if Gina was aware that what she was wearing didn’t match.

Again?  - August 18, 2005
Gina received a call from Carlie from Albertson's.  Guess why?  Gina left her purse there.  This is the third time she's done that, the second time it has been recovered, and the first time since she bothered to get her new driver's license.  She called to tell Joe, and Joe offered to pick it up for her.  Bill wondered if Joe was bothered by the fact that Gina was shopping at Albertson's instead of Wild Oats.  Actually, Gina isn't sure where Wild Oats is.  Kerry offered an easy way to find Wild Oats, "Follow the dirty hippies."  Being as absent-minded as she is, which comes with being pregnant, Gina is worried that she is going to leave Festus somewhere by accident

Valuable Warnings for Kids from Radio's Kerry Jackson  -  August 25, 2005
Don't eat glass, even though it tastes like chocolate.  When you eat glass, nobody wins.  Don't play in traffic, even though it is lots of fun.  When you play in traffic, nobody wins.  Don't smoke, even though it makes you look really cool.  When you smoke, nobody wins.  Don't grow up to become a whore, even though you can make tons of money.  When you become a whore, only your pimp wins.

Polygs? – August 30, 2005
At the park, Bill saw a man dressed in Levi's, nice sandals, and Oakley sun glasses.  The man was accompanied by a little boy, who was dressed similarly.  The females with him, however, were all dressed in long cotton dresses with their hair up in buns.  Bill was curious if they were polygamists, Mennonites, or something else.  "Kevin" called in and admitted that it was actually him and his cohorts from the Rinky-Dinky Improv Comedy Troupe.  He just went to the park to "FREAK PEOPLE OUT!"  Maybe it was actually just "Take A Polygamist to the Park Day."

Sick – August 30, 2005
Gina is feeling forgetful again.  She forgot that she had a remote yesterday.  Festus was sick yesterday, but Gina forgot to call the school.  Festus has already had two sick days this year.  Kerry and Bill pointed out that Festus was sick because of all the pop tarts and other crap he eats.  Gina and Joe had the exact same conversation yesterday.  Joe was complaining about all the crap in the pantry that Festus eats; all the refined white flour.

Best of The Radio From Hell Blog (May  1, 2005 –  June 30, 2005)

All About Gina Day 1 --May 2, 2005
So, Gina went to Moab this weekend with Joe and his New Hampshire friends Shelly and Don.  Joe was a great tour guide.  He knows the name of every plant and animal and rock formation.  In fact, they only got to leave Moab after performing an emergency appendectomy on a pronghorn sheep with a pocketknife.  Unfortunately the animal bled onto the rare sego lily.

On the way down they stopped in Helper for gas, and Gina was excited for a treat-stop. She went in and got her Reeses, dill pickle potato chips, and a diet Coke.  Shelly bought some Vitamin C Halls.

After they get to Moab and rent their bikes they went to plotting the route for the next day.  Joe, Don, and Shelly chose a moderately-strenuous trail for Gina’s first mountain biking trip.  In the morning, Joe thought that they should go get some breakfast before going, but Shelly didn’t want anything heavy.  She just eats a power bar.  So that is what everyone ate.  Joe also thought it would be nice to get some lunch so they could have a picnic whilst they were out.  Shelly doesn’t like to eat on the trail.  She just likes to have a power bar or two.  So, Gina and Joe, and Shelly and Don (in their matching bike outfits) took off on their 4 hour bike ride.  Gina found it was harder to shift than the guy at the rental store had told her, but she powered through.  She only fell once, and kind of messed up her leg, but she made it the whole 4 hour bike ride (plus a 45 minute hike) without slowing everyone down.

When they were finished with their bike ride, Shelly wasn’t even tired.  She wanted to do some more!  Joe suggested they get some lunch before going anywhere else, but Shelly wasn’t hungry.  So, they didn’t have lunch (again).  They then drove into Arches and made the 4 mile hike to the Delicate Arch.

After that, Gina was bushed and just wanted to go to sleep.

All About Gina Day 2 -- May 2, 2005
All through the first day, Shelly kept letting everyone know that she wanted to do Slick Rock, one of the more dangerous and strenuous bike trails.  Joe told Gina that he wouldn’t let her go even if she wanted to because it was too difficult for a beginner.  Gina didn’t argue much.  She stayed at the Ranch, took a nap, read a book, etc.  When Joe and Crew returned he told her that 15 minutes into the ride Shelly was bawling.  They had to take her back to the car while Joe and Don completed the trip.  Bill thought Gina could have insulted Shelly really good by telling her, “See, you’re just like me!”

Keep the Sabbath -- May 2, 2005
Kerry would like to remind those of you with faith to remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.  He went to Costco and the place was packed.  He went to see The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and the theater was full.  Kerry does his shopping on Sunday because the majority of you should be in church, so get to it.

Utah Democrats -- May 6, 2005
Bill got a letter from the Utah Democratic Party.  Kerry was skeptical.  Utah has democrats?  Bill assured Kerry that Utah did indeed have Democrats.  They had their last convention at the McDonald’s with a playland.  That was a big improvement over the previous year when they met in a fort (under a sheet that was thrown over the back of the couch).  Bill didn’t think he was going to send any money.  He felt better about taking his ten dollars and flushing it down the toilet for all the good it would do the party.

Confessional -- May 11, 2005
Bill has never found Gina sexually attractive.  Kerry’s first concert was The Village People, and a Willie Nelson ballad can make him cry.

Helpful Mixer Tip #2 -- June, 7, 2005
If you want to get Gina "Traveling Pants" Barberi hot for some Utah County love, try yodeling.

Larry -- June 13, 2005
Wheelchair-bound pornographer Larry Flynt called the show from the Hustler Toughshed.  It isn’t as glamorous as the Playboy Mansion, but it does the job.  Bill is always welcome if he wishes.  He called to wish Atropos a happy birthday.  “Who the hell is ‘Atropos’?” he asked.  Bill informed Larry that no one really knew who Atropos was, but that he recaps the show on the blog.  Larry reads the blog everyday and highlights the stories about Bill.  Larry thought it was kind of creepy that Bill didn’t know who Atropos was but still answered his e-mail.  Bill doesn’t reply to Larry’s email.  Oh.  Was it Larry who sent Bill the porn spam about randy grandmas?  Larry was just trying to brighten up Bill’s day.

Magic Pants -- June 14, 2005
Bill read a review of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.  There are four women who wear the same pair of pants and they always fits ‘just-so’?  Gina “I Prefer To Remain Seated In My Traveling Pants” Barberi assured Bill that all women dream of a pair of jeans that fit ‘just-so’.  That seems to be the story.  Richie T. actually went and saw the movie by himself yesterday.  The movie involves the four women recollecting various versions of the story, “While Wearing The Pants I…<insert adventure>…and then I met a boy.”  One girl broke one of the rules of the pants and let a dirty boy take them off of her and take her virginity.  Rules of the pants?  Richie T. couldn’t remember all of the rules, but another of the rules was that, while wearing the pants, you had to follow your heart.  Kerry suggested that the movie could be made into a gay version and called The Brotherhood of The Fellowship of The Traveling Pants.

Later, Gina “Traveling Pants” asked Kerry why he wouldn’t want a pair of magic pants.  Kerry said it depended on what the pants’ magic powers were.  Do they make you fly?  Do they turn you invisible?  Are they invisible pants?  Do they help you meet dirty boys?  If the latter was the case, Kerry wasn’t interested.  What is the origin of the magic pants anyway?  Richie T. didn’t know.  They didn’t explain it in the movie.  Maybe they can make a prequel to explain the origin of the pants called The Fried Green Traveling Pants at The Whistle Stop Café of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.

Fluffies -- June 14, 2005
Bill didn’t sleep very well.  He had some gastric problems that kept him up for most of the night and caused him to read two inane articles on Nichole Kidman and Sean Penn.  Kerry was also gassy, and it stunk as well.  It might have been Richie T.’s cake.  Gina?  Oh.  Gina is never gassy.  She’s not even fluffy.  Not even in the car by herself.

Shatner -- June 16, 2005
Shatner called in to wish Mrs. Bill a Happy Birthday.  By that he means, Mrs. Bill Allred.  Not Mrs. Bill Shatner.  Mrs. Bill Allred swims too well to be Mrs. Bill Shatner.  Shatner would have made that joke all by himself if Gina hadn’t shat on it.

Brain Freeze -- June 20, 2005
Kerry bought every one sluprees.  Bill’s didn’t have enough slur.  It had too much pee.  It was mostly pee.  He sucked all the pee out so then he had a decent slur to pee ratio.  Gina suggested he needed a Corona slurpee.

Best of The Radio From Hell Blog (February 21, 2005 – April 31, 2005)
 

Rednecks Aplenty – March 2, 2005
Gina met herself some southerners on her honeymoon.  She was waiting in line at a store in the hotel behind a southern gentleman.  There was some traditional Hawaiian music playing in the store.  The southerner asked the clerk, "Is them words? What is that?"  The clerk responded that it was Hawaiian, the indigenous language.  The southern gentleman was amazed!  "It sounds just like sounds but they's words." 

Kerry ran into some Canadian rednecks on the beach there.  Apparently they were upset because they couldn't get any good beer there in Maui, eh?  They didn't have no Molson, eh?

Joe's a Dream – March 8, 2005
Gina gets home from work at noon, or 11:15am, or 10:30am.  Joe, on the other hand, gets home at 6:00pm.  Last night he came home with groceries, and told Gina to go sit down and have a glass of wine (not a Diet Coke).  He made her a nice dinner.  After dinner, Gina attempted to clean up the dishes, but NOOOO....  Joe told her to go sit down and have another glass of wine.

Bill suggested that Gina should be doing that kind of thing for Joe.  Meet him at the door in an apron and nothing else, with a martini in one hand and a cat-o-nine-tails in the other.  Maybe she can slide down a banister and warm up dinner?

Gina didn't know how to make a dirty gin martini though, so Bill gave his recipe to her:

Bill’s Dirty Martini
Fill shaker with ice
4 jiggers of ice-cold gin (leave it in the freezer for a while)
1/4 jigger of dry vermouth
Shake 2-3 times
Pour into a glass with 3 olives and just a little of the olive juice (that’s the dirty part)

Radio Conflict – March 28, 2005
Due to a scheduling issue with someone, Bill and the X96 Incident Management Vehicle were at the Allen Patch dealership in Orem at the same time as The Blaze.  Fortunately there were neither shootouts nor fisticuffs.  However, Bill felt a little embarrassed by the fact that The Blaze had basketball hoops set-up as well as crock-pot nachos.  Bill also felt a little guilty because he told X96 listeners to come down to the dealership, go over to The Blaze and tell them that X96 sent them to get nachos.  Maybe X96 needs to do something like nachos.    Maybe a X96 Hot Dog Stand?  Taco Stand?  Churro cart?  Popcorn?  Kerry didn't like any of those suggestions.  Kerry was a bit skeptical about DJ's handling food.  He didn't think people's appetites would be improved by Jason's butt-crack.  Maybe Strippers?  A Fish Pond?  Dwarf Tossing?  A salad bar?  What if the chickpeas blew out of the bar while on the freeway?  Would they stock imitation or real bacon bits?  Sumo Suits?  Nah.  Mick and Allen already do that.  An F.O.P suggested a portable bowling alley with bowling tips from Gina "134" Barberi.  Another suggested beer.  Gina thought maybe cotton candy.  Kerry has a cotton candy machine, which he used once.  Gina thought that was just as amazing as if he had answered that there was a nuclear reactor in his basement.

When Worlds Collide – March 31, 2005
Little Bill and Festus had a play date yesterday.  Kerry views Gina and Bill’s children as characters from The Simpson’s; Festus is like Milhouse, Little Bill is like Martin Prince.  Little Bill welcomed Festus with a hearty, “Hello Chum,” and then escorted him on a tour of his bedroom, complete with elaborate pirate ship bed.  As he pointed out a space under the bed Little Bill quipped, “My sister quite likes in there too.”  Kerry wondered when Little Bill brought out his lute and sang a sea shanty? 

Festus was a bit perplexed by the concept of composting.  Bill has quite a compost heap in the back yard, and even buys the compostable napkins.  Festus tried to throw away one of the napkins and was in utter bewilderment when Mrs. Bill tried to explain that they have a trash heap in the yard.

While Festus and Little Bill were having their turkey sandwich for lunch, the girl from next door, Molly, who helps Mrs. Bill around the house mentioned that she wouldn’t be having one because she is a vegetarian.  When Festus asked what that meant, she replied that it meant she only ate vegetables.  Festus, in another state of befuddlement, blurted, “You do not!?”

However, Bill was informed by Mrs. Bill that through all of the astonishing things Festus had to go through, he was a very polite little boy.

The Colossal Colon – April 4, 2005
Bill finally made it to The Children's Museum and the Colossal Colon.  The Colon is only one way, so be careful.  It's a giant hard-plastic colon.  You have to take off your shoes, or they'll provide booties.  There isn't any audio tour or sound effects in the colon.  Bill thought some grumbling noises might be appropriate.  The colon starts off as a nice, pink, healthy colon, but then degenerates into a cancerous, nasty colon with internal hemorrhoids.  The hemorrhoids look just like stinky little balloons. 

After "exiting" the colon, there was a series of information and game tables.  There was one with a little wheel to spin.  You could win sunscreen or a beanie.  A beanie baby.  Not a little hat.  Kerry was confused.  He was under the impression that your colon didn't need sunscreen.  As far as he knew, that was, in fact, where the sun did not shine.  Bill explained that they were covering all kinds of cancer. Little Bill spun the wheel and won sunscreen, but the lady let him have a beanie too.  There were lots of little beanies, but one was "Enema Man."  Enema Man looks just like a Fleet enema bottle, complete with insertion tube.  He also has a cape and a smiley face.  Bill also managed to get an Enema Man calendar that shows Enema Man as a goalie, riding an elephant, piloting a gondola in Venice, etc.  Kerry envisioned a raisin looking arch-villian for Enema man named Polyp Man.

Number One – April 6, 2005
Bill was the first person in his class to contract and STD.  Most people couldn’t even pronounce Chlamydia.  “I’m number one!  I’m number one!  It hurts to go number one!”

Conceiving – April 13, 2005
Gina and Joe are trying to get pregnant.  They are trying once or twice a day.  Kerry and Bill thought she was harming her chances by having sex too often.  They thought that the man had to reinforce the numbers in the army before storming the castle, and it’s an all volunteer army.  They recommended once every three to four days.

Later in the show, an F.O.P sent an article from a baby website saying that having sex too often was a myth.  The more sex, the higher chance of getting pregnant.  Gina was thrilled.  Bill wondered if maybe Gina’s womb had turned into a rocky garden in which Joe’s seed could find no purchase.  Gina argued that her womb was thoroughly plowed, tilled, and roto-tilled again.

Kerry the Redneck – April 18, 2005
Kerry is straining against his redneck roots.  However, sometimes he finds himself susceptible to redneck tendencies.  Kerry was watching the Home Shopping Network by accident this weekend, and ended up purchasing a George Foreman Grill.  Wolfgang Puck, who’s restaurants are greatly overrated, was demonstrating some very cool things with a similar grill.  Kerry then ran to the K-mart, purchased himself a George Foreman grill, came home, and grilled a cheese sandwich.  To make himself feel better, Kerry doesn’t call it the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine.  He calls it the “Jorge Foreman Panini.”  And they don’t come with “bun warmers”; they are “croissant warmers.”

KFC – April 20, 2005
Gina is thrilled that KFC has gone back to “Kentucky Fried Chicken” instead of “Kitchen Fresh Chicken.”  Gina doesn’t care for the slaw or the gravy though.  Just the potatoes, the oily butter, and the spork.  She would reject Kerry’s gravy, but would let his oily butter glisten on her succulent lips.

The 5K – April 25, 2005
Well, Gina, if that is her real name, ran in the 5K this weekend and finished.  If she had a car drive her to the finish line, it was a really slow car.  The race started really late because the race organizers hadn’t planned enough shuttles.  Gina, if that is her real name, waited in line for at least an hour for her shuttle.  She also didn’t want to invest in running shoes that she wouldn’t ever use again, so she just ran in her Skechers – which, besides not being designed for running, were also too big for her.  As a result of her shoe choice, she spent a good portion of the race in pain with shin-splints.  She also embarrassed herself when she hit another runner with her drink at the aid station.  He looked pretty pissed.  But it wasn’t Gina’s, if that is her real name, fault.  There were no instructions for how to take the drink, drink the drink, crush the cup, and drop the cup.  She placed 1715^th out of 2274 female runners.  Her time was 40:28.  That’s about 12.5 minutes per mile.