Episode #4933

Sign-off

• The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away.

It Begins
Kerry is off to ruin Sue's vacation in the Bahamas, so Gina is here to ruin the radio show. Why must Gina run the board when Richie does it much more often? Why!? Because she likes it! She wants to have a skill to fall back on after the earthquake hits and she needs to take care of her family.

Since Gina was doing Kerry's job, Guthrie, once again, sat in for Gina. Gina doesn't have much to do on the show. Her only real duty is to find topless pictures on the internet. It doesn't really help the radio show, but it does boost morale.

Up The Old Fork Road
Bill is suffering from allergies that are turning into a cold. Bill used to have allergies as a kid, but they eventually went away. Now they're back. Gina wondered if anyone had ever forked up Bill's back. No ma'am. Bill is a staunchly heterosexual male and he's never let anyone fork up his back. He's let a few people do a little forkin' up the front, but never up the back. Well, there was that one time when he slept over with Danny Wright, but that was the only time! That was just curiosity. You know, you give it a try and then say, "I don't like that!" Since then, no one forks up Bill's back.

Sexity
Since Bill has allergies and a cold, Gina suggested that he re-record his voice mail and answering machine greetings. Gina learned from The Sainted Mary Claire that it's the best time to record those messages because you sound sexy. The Sainted Mary Claire waited until she was on death's doorstep to record her messages. Even though she has several adult children, one of whom is a sheriff's deputy, The Sainted Mary Claire likes to ooooooze her sexuality. In fact, The Sainted Mary Claire was somewhat disappointed to learn that M.I.L.F Island only existed in the phony reality of 30 Rock. F.O.P Travis mused that if Gina were a 'cougar' Mary Claire must be a 'saber-tooth?'

Boners (brought to you by a chicken caesar salad)
1. "She's a Bright Young Girl": Officials at a West Virginia university are under fire after granting a master's degree to the governor's 38-year-old daughter, which a investigative panel claims she did not earn. Several members of the administration have resigned amid the scandal.

2. "I'm Still Hungry": A prisoner in Arkansas has sued the state claiming that the prison does not provide good quality food, nor enough of it. Broderick Lloyd Laswell claims that he is being slowly "starved to death" by the prisons 3,000 calorie diet. Mr. Laswell entered the prison weighing 413lbs. but, after a year, now weights a svelt 308lbs. Mr. Laswell claims that after recent exercise his vision blurred and me felt as to pass out.

3. "Oh, Who'd Want Those?" A homeless man looking for cardboard recently came across a "Secure Document" which contained detailed blueprints for the World Trade Center's "Freedom Tower." The documents detailed the location of air ducts, elevators, electrical equipment, as well as the thickness of steel and concrete. The plans indicated that they should be destroyed if discarded.

Whoever threw out the blueprints for the "Freedom Tower" are Boners of the Day.


Meh
Guthrie still demonstrates his mountains of ambition. He's taking a few classes at the community college, and spends most of his time watching Chuck Norris on the Trinity Broadcast Network. He and his friend would like to start a cartoon, but they lack any apparent animation talent. Guthrie still drives his grandmother's car, pays for gas from his savings. Friday he will play the theme song for his non-existent cartoon on the air.

Goan' Ta Pick a Fight
Festus had a baseball game last night, but Gina was in one pissy mood. Why? Mind your business! She went to the game just looking to pick a fight. Luckily, there was a perfect candidate sitting behind her. First, he had on slippers. Wear some shoes! Second, he went through every.... single.... ring.... tone.... on.... his....phone. For the entire length of the hour-and-a-half game, he continuously played 10 seconds from every available option. However, before Gina could turn around to ask him, "Hey! Find one yet!? The woman with him stood up and started yelling at the "Empire" and scared Gina off.

Unforgettable Quote
"Pie me up baby! I'm gonna have some soup!" - Richie T. Steadman

No More F**king ABBA
Richie and Booster went to see the movie Baby Momma this weekend. During the opening, there was a trailer for Mamma Mia, the movie what has ABBA songs. Richie got really excited about the movie! Booster leaned over and whispered, "Queer."

Neglected News
Richie killed John Michael Montgomery. John Michael Montgomery killed Cheri Oteri. Britney looks better than K-Fed. Tom Cruise took Orpha on his snowmobile. Cher Bono had the sex with Tom Cruise until sun up. Kristen Bell plans on wearing her school girl uniform on her wedding day.

Grade
Today's show was received a C+.

Red Busket
While Bill's on vacation, the bitching can start. Richie and Gina hate Bill's new red picnic busket (basket). Bill uses it to carry his work stuff. He likes it because he can see everything it contains all at once. Gina thinks it's ridiculous. Bill doesn't care. When Richie asked him about it, Bill told him, “I love my basket.”

The Guthrie Bump
Former Gina, Guthrie Goeglein, is playing Bill for today. X96 managed some very good ratings during January and Guthrie's appearance - even without putting a busty blonde on the webcam.

Easter Eggs
At the Jones' residence, the Easter Bunny brings beer and chocolate to Joe and Gina. In fact, “The Easter Bunny” managed to find some of Squatter's “Devastator” beer. The label features a ram destroying the city of Salt Lake. As Li'l Mohamed's nursery is decorated with rams, Gina wonders whether it would be tacky or not to add the beer label. Would she be a bad mother? How can she ask such a question.

Easter Eggs II
Though most of America celebrates Easter, it's a bit off Kerry's radar. In fact, on Sunday morning, Kerry went out and saw some folks running around their front lawn and couldn't figure out what they were doing. Finally he thought of it. He wasn't sure people still even hid Easter eggs. Gina had trouble hiding her Easter eggs. She didn't stick with the traditional Paz coloring set – it was some kind of oil-based coloring. The eggs were still wet when it was time to hide them.

Jonesie wasn't too impressed with the Easter Bunny's gifts, but was happy with Gina's gifts. “Thanks Mom.” Festus wasn't happy with anything. “Underwear? Really?”

At the Steadman household, Richie's mom hides money in plastic eggs. Richie would be happy to share his eggs with Kerry next year. No thanks. Next year, Kerry is going to paint mini-bottles and drunkenly hide them around the house. Then, weeks later, when he stumbles across them, he can say to himself, “Hey! The Liquor Bunny was here!”

Boners (brought to you by Easter)
1. “Tour de Evil”: Professional cyclist Kevin van Impe was at the crematorium making funeral arrangements for his recently born and, unfortunately, recently deceased son. A drug tester with the international cycling community showed up at the crematorium and demanded that Mr. Van Impe give a urine sample. Mr. Van Impe asked for time to finish making arrangements, but was told that refusal to immediately provide a sample would result in a two-year ban from cycling.

2. “Well, It Falls Apart If You Don't Fish It Out”: A motorist being given a speeding ticket explained his excess on an errant cookie. Justin Vonkummer claimed that an Oreo cookie slipped through his fingers and into his cup of milk. Mr Vonkummer was trying to fish out the confection when he was pulled over by police.

3. “Marvin 'Boner' Richardson”: An Idaho senatorial candidate formerly known as Marvin Richardson has legally changed his name to “Pro-Life.” Mr. Life is running as an Independent against Larry “Wide-Stance” Craig.

The drug-testing Nazis are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
The Hills are alive with naked pictures. David Caruso hasn't yet burst into flames in Miami. Jericho has been nuked. HBO is debuting Autism the Musical. Smallville is stupid. Superman has let his secret identity slip more times than Spiderman. The Root of All Evil may be either Weed or Beer. Reaper is good, but it needs to give more backstory. The Tudors might be good with the inclusion of Peter O'Toole as The Pope. Tracy Ulman is creating another series on Fox. House has been canceled. J.T. Needn't bother looking for it again. It's gone.

The End, My Only Friend
Gina's on her way out. Has to be. This is how it starts. Gina's been asked to give up her cubicle and share another one. Gina, the star of The Radio From Hell Show. Damnit – she's entitled to an empty and unused cubicle! I mean, she's pissed and nervous at the same time. She's nissed – or pervous.

Sign-offs

• “This is how it starts.” - Gina Barberi.

• “See you in the parking lot.” - Kerry Jackson.

• “I have a black-friend. I guess.” - Guthrie Goeglein.

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

Sign-offs

• The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper

Who?
For those of you who may remember, there was a contest winner by the name of Guthrie who appeared on the show for a couple of weeks in January. Though he was largely forgettable, one fact that stood out was his claim to have a friend of African-American descent. Guthrie was encouraged to produce his "friend" in order to provide proof as to the diversity of his friendships. During his short stint on the
radio, Guthrie's friend, James, was unable to attend the show. However, Guthrie has finally provided evidence of this supposed friendship.

Cleaning Up
As Bill walked into the studio today, he noticed something odd. The office and a peculiar and unnatural feel of cleanliness. The office is never clean. Something must have happened. Something did happen,
Gina. The singer Jewel was going to perform at the studio. Kerry was a little perplexed that they cleaned up for Jewel, but not the businessmen that are considering purchasing the station. Gina was
just happy that her Uncle Pat Russel had introduced Jewel to her current boyfriend.

Boners (brought to you by roast turkey)
1. "I Was Completely Nude": A Virginia woman was shocked to see a mirror protruding into the tanning booth she was currently using - naked. The infuriated woman got out and demanded a refund from the salon operator. When the authorities were alerted they arrested and convicted the operator.

2. "My Hands Were Really Dirty": Using gasoline to wash your hands near and open flame in a mobile home is a recipe for disaster.

3. "If You're Itching Down There, You Deserve It!": Perennial Boner and back-door opponent, Utah Senator Chris Buttars, is adding a special amendment to a bill aimed at lowering Utah's sky-rocketing STD rates. The bill allocates $350,000 in annual funding to help educate teens about the dangers of sexually-transmitted-diseases. The amendment, added by Buttars, restricts any private organization from disseminating information in public schools. Discussing the amendment, Sen. Buttars said, "Planned Parenthood is not to be involved. This could open the door to allow them back in."

Senator Chris Buttars (R-West Jordan) is Boner of the Day.

You'll Go Blind
F.O.P John brought Kerry and Bill a gift from The South - a Hillbilly Highball. It was sold in a liquor store and consists of a freezer bag containing a small mason jar of Georgia corn whiskey and a can of
Mountain Dew.

Did Something Happen?
Jonesie was not happy that Gina was on the radio this morning. She just wanted her Mommy. It will be so much better when Gina can just leave home for the studio and ignore Jonesie's frantic cries. Gina's
just trying to do it all. She wants to be "Supermom." Jonesie and Mohamed will probably ruin Gina's career. Bill's mother, Nola, still reminds him that he is the reason she didn't get a college education.
As Nola was leaving for school, Bill would stand on a chair and scream, "Don't go Mommy!!"

Bitterness
Richie has finally discovered that the radio business is soulless. Bill and Kerry have known it for years and years. In fact, that's why Kerry has his special pills. Bill just drinks heavily and engages in
risky sex. Richie just doesn't have a good release. He can't drink, can't take pills, can't get high, and can't get a good "release."

Margaret Ruth
Don't think about your old boyfriend in Iraq. He's probably happier without you. Don't settle for some asshat that abused you for 14 years. Don't worry that your husband's cheating on you; but only give
him another 5 or 6 more chances. Don't you worry - you'll be married within the next 10 years.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Best Utahn" Matson chose "I'm Telling You, Neal Boortz Is Nothing But a Butt-Cheek" as Boner of the Week.

Episode #4867

Opening Song
"Celebrity Skin" - Hole

Nasty News
Guthrie started off his last day as a Radio From Hell host by fighting with Bill. Bill handed Guthrie a story about David Beckham's carbon ass-print. Guthrie quickly set it aside. He didn't feel that it was really a good sports story. Well, if Guthrie isn't willing to learn, Bill is done teaching. Guthrie can't help it. That's just how he rolls.

About The Biggest Pair You've Ever Seen, Dingleberry
Nate and/or Robbie was kind of upset with Kerry and Bill's interview of mixed-martial-arts fighter Jeremy Graham Horn during the latest “Ask a” feature. Nate/Robbie thought Kerry and Bill sounded as if they were wearing pioneer dresses whilst they asked Mr. Horn about his sport. Don't they have any “huevos rancheros” hanging out their barn door? No, Bill does not have any ranch-style eggs hanging from the front of his pants; just two enormous testicles.

Apology
Kerry is sorry. For years he's been under his misguided 17-year-old impression that Barbarella was actually a good movie. For a 17-year-old, it isn't bad – lots of sex and nudity. However, as those things become less of a mystery and novelty, the film doesn't really hold up.

Boners (brought to you by Mexican chicken soup)
1. “Move The Wheelchair!  I'm a Legislator!”: When a wheelchair-bound citizen attempted to leave the state capitol in her handicapped licensed van, she found it impossible as three separate cars had parked illegally in the striped areas adjacent to the handicapped parking stalls. That area is there to allow chair lifts to operate without disruption. The woman called the UHP, who provides security for the capitol. The trooper was about to issue tickets until he became nervous that the cars may belong to legislators.

2. “Finding the lighter side of Heath Ledger's Death”: Following news of Heath Ledger's death, Fox News ass-hat John Gibson opened his radio show with a funeral dirge and a quip indicating that Mr. Ledger had finally found “a way to quit you.” Never one to allow the facts to interfere with his diatribe, Mr. Gibson also made several remarks about Ledger's drug abuse – remarks that are at odds with the official autopsy results.

3. “You Want Some More?”: After being arrested during a drunken bar fight, a restrained Matthew Fleuret was hit with a Taser 11 times in 25 minutes by deputies of the Orange County Sheriff's department. Mr. Fleuret was strip[ped of his pants, handcuffed, strapped to a chair, then repeatedly tasered. Mr. Fleuret, now a Utah resident, is suing for 45 million dollars. (Video here.)

John Gibson is Boner of the Day.

Margaret Ruth
Man up.  You can't argue with a closed door.  Being rejected by Gina is about as low as you can get.  Actor's have big egos.  Bring home some concessions and let your man hang your lights.  Reiki can help you feel better without doing anything.  You really ought not be going through the phone of someone else.  Men love the scent of desperation.  Women hate it.  Don't worry though, you'll be married within the next 10 years. 

Guthrie's Last Day
After two weeks on the radio, no one knows any more about Guthrie than they did to begin with. Talking with his mother, listeners finally learned that he could play the guitar and compose racist songs with his black-friend James. He's a good writer, kind to his grandmother, and can talk at length about something that he's interested in. Well, at least he has a black-friend. Good luck Guthrie.

Neglected News
Britney was rambling and confused in her scanties. Cloverfield made Dave “The Best Utahn” feel sick enough to get a second look at his chicken sandwich.

Boner of the Week
Dave Matson chose Fred Phelps as Boner of the Week.

Episode #4858

Sign-offs

• History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

• Sometimes I need what only you can provide; your absence.
  

Be Gina
Today is the first official day for 'Be Gina' contestant winner Guthrie. Blog poster 'puffysteel' does not care for Guthrie nor his racist tendencies. 'puffy' believes that Guthrie is a racist for giving his black-friend, Jimmy, a t-shirt that reads, "I'm Guthrie's Best Friend" was very inappropriate. Kerry must be a racist too as he finds the t-shirt hilarious.

Guthrie is 19-years-old and lives at home with one of the other of his divorced parents. He's going to school but has no major. He has no girlfriend, but is open to dating dark-haired, irreligious, semi-liberal women. Fortunately, Richie and his harem of sister-missionaries have some ideas. Richie may just take Guthrie with him to the Studio 600 - an LDS-standard dance club. Richie enjoys watching the hundreds of sexually repressed single-folk as they interact. People-watching at it's finest.

Berkley-tude
Kerry and Sue made a quick trip to San Francisco this weekend. They left Friday night and returned Saturday night. On Saturday morning, they went to Berkley for brunch. They arrived before the restaurant opened, so they went browsing in some of the little stores. Kerry found a toy store, but it wasn't really a toy store. It was filled with nothing but wooden educational toys. Kerry did manage to find a $0.75 package of plastic parachute men. He retrieved a dollar from his wallet and marched up to the counter. The gentleman behind the counter refused to ring Kerry out as he was still helping "this lady and her daughter." The lady and daughter in question still hadn't actually decided on their final purchase and were still discussing it. Kerry attempted to ply the clerk with reason and logic, but it was futile. Kerry left without his purchase.

Fun Bags
While in Florida over the holiday, Bill stayed with a family friend. In Florida, patrons can buy wine right at the supermarket! Also, if one were to buy a case of wine bottles, the store gives you 1 free!

When Bill went to the liquor cabinet to fill himself with some holiday cheer, he noticed 15 or 20 canvas bags. They were 'wine totes'. The bags were sectioned off to allow a person to safely carry four big bottles of wine. Bill's friends gave him a couple of the totes to take home with him.

When Mrs. Bill took the wine tote to the liquor store, the clerk was very impressed. He thought the DABC could make a lot of money selling those at the store. ARE YOU LISTENING DABC?

Boners (brought to you by a Cuban sandwich)
1. "Put On Your Coat and Wait For Daddy": A Minnesota man was arrested and charged with child neglect after leaving his 18-month-old son in a locked van for more than three hours. David Mantor left the child in the car in order to patronize a local strip club. Temperatures outside the van dipped into the low 20's, and the child was taken to a hospital and treated for frostbite and exposure.

2. "There's a What Under My What?": Charles Gross of Pueblo, CO shot and killed another man in September of 2001. Mr. Gross claims the shot the man in self defense. HOwever, Mr. Gross did not phone police, and simply stuffed the corpse under his mobile home. When Mr. Gross decided to move, he took the bones of the victim with him and again, placed them under his mobile home. Unfortunately for Mr. Gross, a Chihuahua found a human jawbone under the home, and the case was broken.

3. "The Ripper": An inmate in a Lincoln, NE jail has been accused of malicious farting. Jesse Dorris claims that his cellmate Brian Bruggeman had 'bad gas', but wouldn't stay away from him. Dorris claimed to try and stay on the opposite side of the cell from Mr. Bruggeman, but Bruggeman insisted on releasing his flatus as near to Dorris as possible. The incident led to an altercation between the two men and Bruggeman has been charged with assault.

The strip-club attending father is Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
An iPod speaker pillow is exactly what one needs to put American Idol music in it's proper place - your ass. Sarah Connor is in peril and will be re-run. CSI: Miami is done. Kyle KY is back. That show for the ass-pillow is back. Reno 911 is back. Lost will be back in February for a shortened season. The Office won't be back for a while, nor will 30 Rock. Moonlight, the show about the vampire detective with a big heart is so horribly watchable. Numbers has all of your crime-fighting math needs. The Amazing Race is over. My Fair Brady is back and trying to decide whether or not to have a baby. *Spoiler alert* They don't. Another AMC drama debuts with Breaking Bad - a High School Chemistry teacher has a near-death experience and is diagnosed with a terminal illness, so he decides to build a meth-lab. The Bionic Woman is probably done. Reaper still has some life left in it.

Neglected News
Jamima Simpkins is bad for your career. Paula will 'sing' at the Superbowl. Kerry once got himself a little thanks to Paula. Britney is going to become a Muslim after her boyfriend sells naked pictures of her.

Happy Birthday Little Mrs. Bill!

Opening Song
“Down to This” - Soul Coughing

Spicy Mustard
Gina will be on the show for a minute tomorrow. Li'l Mohamed has jaundice. His liver wasn't quite fully cooked when he was evicted from Gina's gestating womb. Bill thinks he looks somewhat similar to one of The Simpsons characters. Kerry figures between the Egyptian heritage and the jaundice, Mohamed really should look somewhat similar to a spicy brown mustard.

Goodbye Manny
Intern Manny's last day is today. Manny is of the opinion that the early Greek bird gets a nice worm. After his stint at the University of Utah studying vermiculture, Manny plans a career reading books on tape.

Thumb of Doom
On New Year's Eve, Bill accidentally sliced open his thumb on his Cuisinart blade. Mrs. Bill told him to go to a local urgent care clinic where the kids usually go. Bill went down there, but they refused to take his insurance. The kid's side takes Bill's insurance, but not the adult side. Bill then asked where the next local clinic was, all whilst holding a bloody bandage over his thumb. The nurse told him of another clinic, and Bill drove there. Unfortunately, they were closed for the holiday. Finally Bill just went to the hospital and emergency room right across the street from his house. He asked for some pain pills, but there was no way they were giving those out on New Year's. They just told Bill to go home and take some Motrin and whiskey.

Celebrity Sighting
Kerry and Sue's friend Chris flew in from San Francisco for the Xmas holiday. Chris is a chef, and a gourmet one at that. Chris was feeling pretty anti-social and just wanted to hang around the house. Of course, a good chef really loves to cook, and it wasn't too long before Chris wanted to play around in the kitchen. The day after Xmas, he sent Kerry out to the grocery store for ingredients. While at the store, Kerry noticed local celebrity Phil Riesen in the produce section. Mr. Riesen was looking at the cauliflower. Kerry went about his shopping and came back to the produce section, and Mr. Riesen was still looking at the cauliflower. Kerry then pretended to watch the tomatoes, and watched as Mr. Riesen was still looking at the cauliflower. Bill figured out what was going on, Phil Riesen is notorious for his LSD and peyote trips.

Boners (brought to you by a chicken)
1. “I Got The Mark of The Beast on Me”: An Idaho man was hospitalized after cutting off his own hand with a circular saw. The man believed that his hand displayed “The Mark of The Beast”, cut it off, and placed it in a microwave. He then called 911, and placed a tourniquet on his arm.

2. “I'm Makin' It And You're Just Spendin' It”: A polish man was astonished when he arrived at a local brothel, and found that his wife was one of the employees. The man is now divorcing his wife.

3. “Just Throw a Tarp Over It”: A Texas woman, who was declared dead on the scene of a car accident by EMTs, was not dead. Erica Smith sustained severe injuries and was trapped in her car. An EMT declared her dead, and covered her body. Later, a medical examiner discovered that Ms. Smith was still alive. Emergency personnel freed her from the car and rushed her to the hospital, but Ms. Smith ultimately perished. The EMTs had failed to take Ms. Smith's vitals.

The EMTs are Boners of the Day.

Ask a Freemason
Freemasonry has a proven history of 400 years. The society descends from an affiliation or trade union of masons who traveled Europe in order to build churches. To join one must file a petition and be recommended by other Masons. The members vote on a potential member with white and black balls; hence the term, “blackball.” Atheists may not join as one must pledge allegiance to a “supreme being”, but there is no other specific religious test. A number of past presidents have been masons, but, if masons are affecting elections, many are not satisfied with the results.

Jeff Vice
The Bucket List stars Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Guess who narrates? 2 stars.

Billy the Kid is not a western, but rather a documentary about a 15-year-old who has Asperger's Syndrome. Asperger's is a high-functioning form of autism. It's really good, and really uncomfortable at times. 3 stars.

The Orphanage is a horror movie by Guillermo del Toro, the director of Pan's Labyrinth and Hell Boy. It's about a group home filled with “creepy little friends.” Very spooky. Very creepy. 3 stars.

Neglected and Celeb-u-tard News
Who would have known? It turns out that Dr. Phil is a self-serving little prick. Britney is back at “the trailer what gots no wheels.” Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower on The Splendor? She just figured she'd wash up on shore.

Be Gina
Jodi was “Gina” for today. Over the holidays she saw the plot of land where Katherine Helmond (or maybe it was Katherine Heigl) will build her smoking porch, but not really. She was spending the weekend with her girlfriends at a cabin where they could have pillow fights and lez out, but not really. Jodi's womb is a rocky garden in which her boyfriend's seed can find no purchase, but not really.

Episode #4855

Opening Song
“Pressure Drop” - The Specials

Sign-off
“We have met the enemy, and he is us.”

They're Live
After a long vacation, the end of the show can't possible arrive soon enough. Kerry and Bill have new sign-offs to try out, and they have to put up with Guthrie. The 'Be Gina' contest was much too close, so Guthrie and Jodi will have a 'Be Gina' showdown. After all, both Guthrie and Jodi went down to donate to The Road Home, but Guthrie reminds the listeners that he was there first. Guthrie has determined that the winner of this contest will come down who which 'Gina' is least unberable.

New Favorites
Over the vacation, Bill took Little Bill down to Florida to pick up Dylan from Mickey's Candy Cauldron. Dylan is now an expert in the world of caramel apples. Little Bill really only wanted to go on two rides at Disneyworld; Pirates of the Caribbean and The Haunted Mansion. Nothing else really mattered. Finally, Bill was able to drag Little Bill into Tomorrowland. Bill discovered The Carousel of Progress. It's Bill's new favorite ride. There's no wait, and you get to ride The People Mover.

Boners (brought to you by some crackers, peanuts, another Jack Daniels, and another beer)
1. “Well, He Was Too Tired to Cash His Check”: Two men were arrested after putting their dead rommate's corpse into an office chair and pushing it down to a check-cashing business in order to obtain the man's social security check. The men were quickly surrounded by onlookers and arrested by a nearby detective.

2. “Is My Beer Safe?”: Failing to buckle his safety belt, and intoxicated man was severely injured after crashing his car into a tree. The man's 12-pack of beer, however, remained safely buckled into the passenger seat.

3. “I Hate Your Predator Braids!”: Tennessee officials are seeking a woman accused of shooting a friend over a hairdo. Allegedly, the woman disliked the way in which her roommate had braided her hair and slashed the woman's and confronted her with a gun outside the apartment. The braided woman shot her roommate, then quickly fled the scene.

The two corpse-carrying seniors are Boners of the Day.

Things That Must Go

Bill

• When a piece of the plan you are flying on breaks off and a flight-attended asks you to move so she can “snap it back on.”

• Florida drivers.

• Chain restaurants in Florida.

Kerry

• Animal Right's activists that gloat over the fact that The Metropolitan will no longer offer the choice of “foie gras” on the menu. Kerry is glad that they've managed to take another choice away from wayward adults.

• The Metropolitan for yielding to the activists' demands.

• People who stand “in-line” to the side of the line.

• Business that don't have some kind of answering machine to indicate whether or not they are open or closed.

• Sailor Jerry's Rum. It's a fine rum, but it makes Kerry clumsy, stupid, and mean.

Guthrie

• People who think they use their brain to think and their heart to feel.

• People with brand loyalty who have to advertise it via clothes or stickers.

• Heavy brown lip liner. It just makes you look like you've scarfed down a hand-full of melting Hersey's kisses from the back-seat of your car.

• Guthrie's black friend, Jimmy, who refuses to wear the “I'm Guthrie's Black Friend” t-shirt.

Neglected News
Mr. Madonna and Princess Buttercup are getting divorced. Mr. Madonna spent one too many drunken nights in his separate hotel room with Russian women. Dr. Phil is unbearable.

New Sign-offs
Kerry: “Live long and prosper bitches!”
Bill: “What're you looking at!?”