Episode #5175
Days until contract expiration: 324

Opening Song
"Sabotage" - Beastie Boys

Boners (brought to you by three small soups)
1. "Hello?  Armed Robber Here":  A gas station attendant thwarted a robbery attempt when he refused to open the locked door for the shotgun wielding would-be thief.  The station was closed when the thief attempted to open the door.  He then used the gun to knock on the door and the clerk called police.  (Update:  According to an updated news story, the man had a cast on his arm, and was not armed with a shotgun.)

http://tinyurl.com/obtj4p

2. "Oh?  I Wasn't....Supposed........to Drive?":  On May 11, 2009, an Orem police officer pulled over Shantel Lee Jones for driving on a suspended license.  She was issued a citation and told not to drive.  Five minutes later, the same officer saw Ms. Jones driving and failing to yield to a fire engine.  He stopped her again, issued another citation, and told her not to drive.  Two hours later Ms. Jones was arrested after driving to The University Mall and shoplifting.

3. "Move it or Lose it!":  For more than ten miles Phillip Babby continuously sounded his car-horn whilst tailgating another car on a two lane road down a Boulder, Colorado-area canyon.  Police finally managed to stop Mr. Babby after which they found that he was intoxicated on and in possession of hallucinogenic mushrooms and marijuana.

Ms. Shantel Lee Jones is Boner of the Day.

Chivalry is Dead
No one has come to Gina's rescue as Keifer Sutherland did for Brooke Shields.  Bill continuously sullies Gina's good name and once, just once, Gina would like someone to come rushing in, head-butt Bill in the chest, and defend her precious honor.  Bill noted that it might be somewhat difficult for someone to defend what Gina probably does not have.

The Most Continuous Non-Stop
X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.  X96 Maverick Big Ass Show.

Confusion
Taco?  Rush?  Roxette?  Sammy Hagar?  Scorpions?  Sysma?  Shakira?  Huh?  "Don't time fly when you're drunk as hell."

Gina's Sign-off
"Searching for a woman."

 

Opening Song
"The Metal" - Tenacious D

Porn Letter
F.O.P Nicole wanted to use "National Thank-You Day" to thank Radio From Hell for their show, and to encourage Gina to show Joe how much she appreciates him.  After all, opposites attract and Joe and Gina could not be more opposite.  As Joe is reading his Mother Earth Times, Gina is off having plastic fingernails attached over her natural nails with harmful chemicals.  As Joe makes a healthy dinner of cedar-plank salmon, Gina is drinking Diet Coke and scarfing down Ding-Dongs and bacon.  Joe simply accepts Gina for all of her high-maintenance flaws.  She should thank Joe by taking him on a guided tour down a rapid river.  Even better, however, would be to leave the camping-hating children at home.  Go on a couples camping trip the way Joe would want to camp.  Gina, the little hottie, should "buck-up", put her hair in a simple pony-tail and leave the make-up, laser hair removal, vela-smooth, and lipstick behind.  Strap-on a backpack and lead Joe down a 10-mile footpath to an open meadow.  There, Gina should throw Joe to the ground and make-love to him in the dirt and "the temple of The Mother!" 

Gina likes the sound of that very last part, as long as she can roll out a clean memory foam mattress over the dirt - and leave the filthy thing behind when they leave.

Boners (brought to you by sadness and beef on a stick)
1. "Give Back Whatever He Stole From You ":  Huh?  Wha?  Eh?  Oh, nevermind.

2. "Ben and Jerry's New Flavor:  Oh, La-La Leche":  An animal rights group is petitioning ice-cream maker Ben & Jerry's to replace the cow's milk in their iced treat with human breast-milk.

3. "How Else You Gonna Get 'Em To Mind?":  A Cedar City man has been given probation after being caught using an electric dog-collar to discipline his children.

The confusing Boner is Boner of the Day.

B.A.S.H
Don't worry if you don't have the best seats at the Big-Ass Show.  The new venue is acoustically perfect.  Kerry checked it personally.  During a sound-check, Kerry was on-stage and farted.  Bill, who is nearly deaf, heard it from the lawn.

Things That Must Go
Kerry

• People who don't believe Kerry knows his own name.  Kerry certainly knows that his name is not 'Scott', and he doesn't work at a television studio.
• Whoever was driving the really nice car with the little yippie dog and the "Bush/Cheney '04" stickers.  Really?  Still!?

Gina

• Liberty Land and their phony patriotism.  They can't be patriotic!  They disrespected George Washington by putting Halloween spiders on his face!
• Traffic reporters that report, "There's a rollover on west-bound I-80, but it's not causing any problems."  The person who just rolled his/her car would probably disagree.
• Mail-in rebates.
  • Yes, everyone would prefer the $100 right off the top.
  • Yes, it would be easier and the consumer wouldn't have to do any work.
  • Yes, Bill would also enjoy a group of big-breasted women to carry him around whilst feeding him fine food.

Bill

• Sticky labels.
• "You know, I'm a foreigner, so I may not understand, but..."
• Shiny, pointy shoes on men.
• If you have dreadlocks and tattoos, you shouldn't be driving a Hummer.  You look, madam, as if you are the biggest poser on the planet.

Trendy
Respected author David Foster Wallace recently committed suicide.  Gina had never heard of him previously, but with all of the media coverage, she began to develop a curiosity about his hefty tome, Infinite Jest.  She kind of wants to buy and read it, but now she's worried that people will think that she's just following the trend.  It's not as if she purchases books from Orpha's book-list, or reads the Mormon vampire books.  Gina, you're right... you shouldn't possibly read a book that you are curious about - it's Gina's duty to stomp out any natural curiosity she may develop.

Neglected News
Shia has a banana sleeping in his hammock.  Claiken is very, very happy.  Magicator David Blaine pees through a plastic tube.  TV-station, ABIS, will show a Div of Death!

Gina's Sign-off
"It didn't get on you?"