Episode #5198
Days until contract expiration: 288

Opening Song
"The Hand That Feeds" - Nine Inch Nails

Sign-offs

• "My brain has rebelled.  It does't accept that nice things can happen to me."
• "Stan Lee insulted me, but in Bizarro world, that means he likes me."

Bees
For summer, Little Bill wanted a mohawk.  Not some lame Mr. T. style mohawk, but a tall, standing straight up, punk-style mohawk.  Yesterday morning, Little Bill was able to get it to stand up all by himself, but by the time he got home, it had fallen down.  He told Bill that he was going to shower, and then asked if he would help him to get it to stand up again.  Bill and Little Bill tried, but just couldn't get it to stand.  Fortunately, Bill has an on-call hairstylist; Victor.  Victor told him that he needed to focus just on the base of the mohawk.  Worked just fine.  Victor doesn't have a lot of experience with mohawks, but today's mohawk is easier than in the 80's and 90's when they had to use raw egg whites...that attracts bees.

I Just Wanted To Go Home
Exhausted and on his way home, Richie was stopped at an intersection.  As he looked, an one vehicle drove through the intersection as the another turned into the oncoming car.  The driver then backed up and pulled into a 7-11 parking lot, as if to get away.  Richie T. To The Rescue!  Richie wanted to try and, at the very least, get the guy's license plate number.  As he followed the car into the parking lot, and undercover cop pulled in from the other direction and converged on the car.  The driver claimed he was just trying to get out of traffic.  Upon further questioning, the cop discovered that the driver didn't have a license because it had been revoked during a DUI.  In the car with him was his ex-wife, his two kids, and a dog.  He was immediately handcuffed as police checked on his name.  It turns out that the driver was wanted on a $5,000 warrant.  Richie was still hanging around and waiting to give his witness report.  As the man was talking to police, his two kids were standing by the car saying things like, "Are they gonna have to put daddy in jail again?", the woman is screaming about the damage to the car, and then the dog jumped out of the car.  Ever helpful, Richie chased down the dog and got it back into the car.  Then the kids started to complain that they were hungry, and thirsty, and tiiiiiiiierd.  Even more helpful, Richie went into the 7-11 and bought the two kids a couple of slurpees.  Still waiting to give his report, Richie sat down next to a Wonderbread truck.  The driver got out and asked Richie if he saw what had happened.  Richie gave a quick recap of his afternoon and then the driver asked, "You wanna cupcake?  Come on in.  Anything you want."  When Richie asked if he could take a picture of the driver for his blog, the driver noted, "You are!  I thought you sounded like 'Richie.'"

As he was about to leave, Richie went over to the guy who was hit and asked, "You wanna cupcake?"

Boners (brougth to you by risotto, fritatta, champagne, and chocolate cake)
1. "No PDAs":  At a High School in Maine, a principal denied a diploma to a student to blew a kiss to his family as he walked across the stage.  The principal saw the action, drew back his diploma, and sent the student back to his seat.

2. "Here Comes The Judge.  Don't You Know Who He Is?":  The New Jersey Supreme Court has permanently disqualified a municipal judge after a expletive laced romp in The Torpedo's Go-Go Club.  Richard Sasso grew angry when the bartender asked him to provide his license in order to start a tab.  Mr. Sasso began yelling, "Do you know who I am? I'm the Bound Brook judge.  I've left you guys alone for, oh, three years and I -- I'm not -- this is bull***t."  The latest incident was the latest in Mr. Sasso's not-so-stellar career.  He also admitted to taking the bench when under the influence of Vicodin and alcohol.

3. "How Fast Was I Goin'?":  After speeding in a police station parking lot, a highly intoxicated man stopped between two marked cruisers.  He then reclined his seat, closed his eyes, and proceeded to go to sleep.  When an officer approached the car, he noted an empty bottle of vodka in the back seat.

The anti-blow-kiss Principal is Boner of the Day.

Things That Must Go
Bill

• Courteous drivers.
• The illusion of privacy at the pharmacy.
• People writing on rocks in The Grand Canyon.

Kerry

• People who pull out in front of Kerry and kill his momentum.
• When people are backing out of a parking stall, stop.
• "The Jo Bros."
• "Slam Poetry" unless, of course, it's full contact slam poetry held in The Radio From Hell Po'm Dome.
• The two squirrels fighting for dominance in Kerry's backyard. 

Gina

• People driving a crappy car who have a sign reading something like, "If you're not making $50,000 a month, Call Me!"
• Bathroom stalls that have no hook, no shelf, and no back of the toilet on which to set a purse.
• "Brasil" instead of "Brazil."

Honorary Degree
In order to ear his degree from Cameo College of Essential Beauty, Bill went to town on Jessica's face, then plumped her lips.  Congrats!

Episode #5147
Days until contract expiration: 364

Opening Song
"Sex is on Fire" - Kings of Leon

Sign-off
"I'm not crazy.  Just ask my toaster."

HA!
Radio From Hell was broadcasting live from Red Rock in honor of The City Weekly's Best of Utah edition.  Richie was late because his sex was on fire.  In fact, Richie is making a parody video for that song.  It features a young man with a dose o' the syphillis.  Richie's bishop will likely use it to scare the teens from engaging in physical acts of love.  Gina was quick to point out that the song isn't about venereal disease; it's about hot sex!  Yes, Gina, Richie is aware of that fact.  That is the reason it is a parody video.  Governor Huntsman holding a beer on the cover of The City Weekly, that is also parody.

I Like Radio From Hell Sausage, The Best
Once again, readers have chosen Radio From Hell as The Best Radio Show in Utah.  X96 also won for Best Radio Station, and Kerry and The Geekshow Podcast won for Best Local Podcast.  Congrats.

Boners (brought to you by curry chicken)
1. "I Was Researching a Case":  A police officer in Clinton, Illinois was suspended after it was discovered that he had spent more than 23-hours downloading pornography from adult web sites on his police laptop.

2. "Hey, This Will Be Funny Here":  The deckhand of a charter boat in California accidentally choked to death in front of 20 elementary school students.  Jeff Twaddle was attempting to entertain the children when he swallowed a whole bait fish.  The fish stuck in his throat and resisted all efforts to dislodge it.  Paramedics were not able to save Mr. Twaddle and he passed away.

3. "Blood on the Hood":  Lucien Rolland was arrested after allegedly knocking out his girlfriend's tooth and then attempting to run her over with a car.  The couple and the woman's sister were driving back to their home in Magna, UT when an intoxicated argument erupted between the two.  The driver drover to her boyfriend's house to seek assistance.  When she returned outside, Mr. Rolland was on top of the victim, punching her in the face - and knocking out a tooth.  The woman freed herself and ran inside, and Mr. Rolland began to drive away.  The victim then re-emerged from the home and began chasing the car down.  Witness then reported that the woman was next seen hanging onto the hood of the car.  Police arrested Mr. Rolland after they found blood on the hood of his vehicle.

Local domestic violence is Boner of the Day.


(Author's note:  I was unable to listen to the remainder of the show.  A Spanish Station has apparently upped their output or something similar as I was unable to hear X96 at all....only polka music.  Wunder Radio still won't work - and the podcasts for the eight and nine o'clock hours have not yet been posted.)

Episode #5051
Days until contract expiration: 522

Never Got a Dinner
Finally, Radio From Hell won an award.  A gold UBEE (Utah Broadcaster's Association) for their portrayal of Rick Steadman: Mormon Detective.  Unfortunately, it really doesn't mean much.  The Eagle's morning show, Tired in Ogden, also received a gold award.  They couldn't even be bothered to pick a favorite between the two.  It's t-ball nation and it is ridiculous.  The UBEE's suck.  This will be the segment Richie submits for next year's show.

Mistaken Identity
After a particularly bad commercial audition, Bill was visiting the Wild Oats.  In the parking lot, someone started walking up to bill and said, "HEY!  Artie Fufkin!"  Bill was forced to inform the man that, no, he was not Artie Fufkin. 

"Oh.  Sorry.  You're Kerry!" 

"No.  Bill."

"RIGHT!"

The man then began muttering to himself and walked into the store.

Kerry also had an identity problem this weekend.  He dressed up as "Norma Bates" from the movie Psycho.  He found a long, flowery dress from the D.I. and a grey wig in a bun.  At the Geekshow Movie Night, however, if he didn't have his knife with him, people assumed that he was dressed as Spiderman's Aunt Mae - or maybe Ma Kent.

Boners (brought to you by chili and cornbread with corn in it - which Little Bill and Little Mrs. Bill didn't like)
1. "A Bag of Cheap Tacos":  A Colorado couple who ordered tacos from a fast food restaurant were surprised to find a baggie of marijuana on top of their order.  The couple called police and a restaurant employee was arrested.

2. "Free Venison":  A Chinese restaurant in New York was shut down after inspectors found cooks butchering a dead deer in the kitchen.  It was not clear how the animal was killed, but an anonymous tip indicated that employees of the restaurant had dragged the deer inside from the road.  The restaurant has been closed until further notice.

3. "I've Got a Tampon and I Know How to Use it":  A woman caught shoplifting from a Walgreen's drug store attempted to attack the arresting officers with a blood soaked tampon.

The deer butchering Chinese restaurant is Boner of the Day.

Unforgettable Quote
"I'm not pregnant.  It's a bad pizza" - Gina Barberi

Manly
With Joe out of town, The Sainted Mary Claire decided to spend the night with Gina at The Historical House of Character.  Whilst changing Li'l Mohamed, Gina started to whistle.  From the other room, The Sainted Mary Claire hollered, "Who's that whistling?"  Confused, Gina answered that she was whistling to Li'l Mohamed.  Mary Claire thought that it sounded like a man whistling.  Bill can only whistle like a man with his zipper down.

Fish Heads, Fish Heads
Last week, Richie called Bill and offered to bring him some trout that he had caught up at Jordanelle.  Bill was at dinner, but told Richie to go ahead and bring them by the house.  The babysitter would be there with the kids and Richie could leave the fish in the fridge.  Whilst there, Richie showed Little Bill how to clean the fish.  Little Bill was enthralled.  He wanted to keep various parts of the fish's interior.  "Can I keep that?"  "We can keep that can't we?"  Richied was forced to rebuff his request.  Even more exciting than internal organs, Little Bill was captivated as Richie decapitated the ex-fish.  When told that he couldn't keep the heads, Little Bill pleaded, at the very least, to be allowed to cut the eyes out? ........I see...