Episode #490

Opening Song
"The Bumblebee Tuna Song" - Mephiskapheles

Sign-off
- Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected.

Yes I Can
Richie is wearing his, "I Can't. I'm Mormon." shirt today. Though Bill thinks the shirt is funny, it really doesn't express Richie's view of his life. Really he should be wearing a shirt which reads, "I Can Achieve Eternal Salvation", since Bill and Kerry can't. Actually, Richie is quite keen to help Bill and Kerry change that view of their future spiritual existence. In fact, he knows a couple of guys who could teach Kerry and Bill ALL about it. No, thanks.

I Just Don't See Any
Bill spoke with Radio From Hell's former boss and owner of X96, James Hyrum Facer. Jim was glad to hear that Bill and Radio From Hell still had excellent ratings. Of course, there's really no competition for them, so how could they not do well?

Jim is enjoying his multi-millionaire retirement as a marathon runner in Paris. There's a lot of money in the radio business - for the radio owners. The talent usually doesn't make a lot of money. There are a few like Kevin & Bean, Rick Dees, and Adam Carrola who are paid millions of dollars each year. Gina doesn't even need millions of dollars. She would settle for million of dollars. Hell, Bill would settle for a multiple of thousand dollars.

Deer Trouble Update
Kerry did some online research and after reading a very official sounding study on the effectiveness of various deer repellents, determined that Dial soap, hung from a string, was the most cost effective and least troublesome method of repelling unwanted ruminants. Kerry spent the afternoon drilling holes through the bars of soap, and came to the conclusion that the soap could be a very effective people repellent as well. It's aroma is quite potent.

In the same study, it claimed that human urine was also effective. Kerry placed a note on his bathroom mirror reminding him to "Pee outside." If you're in the area, Kerry should be putting on his robe and galoshes as about 3:45am.

Heidi Update
Heidi The Groove Thing is in Southern California "dating" rock stars, competing for rock stars, and making Pauly Shore Soup in the hot-tub of The Playboy Mansion.

Boners
1. "Hey Kids...Wanna Buy Some Candy?": The 8th grade class president has lost his position, been removed from an honor student event, and received a 1 day suspension for purchasing a bag of Skittles candy from another student. Candy is banned at the school as part of a wellness program.

2. "They Threw Away The Key": A woman spent 4-days in an Arkansas courthouse holding cell without food, water, toilet, or bed. The woman was forced to sleep on the floor, using her shoe for a pillow. At one point, she was to thirsty she was forced to drink her own urine. The bailiff apparently became busy with other tasks and forgot about her.

3. "I Ain't A Comin' Out": After spending 2 years in the bathroom, a Kansas woman finally had to be extricated with by the fire department and a pry-bar. The woman's boyfriend claimed that the woman felt safe in the lavatory, and began spending more and more time in the room, until she finally refused to leave. The man claimed would bring food and drink to the room and have normal conversations with the woman. The woman's body eventually became attached to the toilet seat, necessitating an emergency call. She was taken, toilet seat and all, to the hospital where she is in fair condition.

The woman in the bathroom, and her boyfriend, are Boners of the Day.


Chicken Nuggets and Asparagus Pee
Bill likes to feign interest in his son's life, so he asked Little Bill how his school lunch had been. It was chicken nuggets, and they were good, even though they cause later intestinal distress. Also, they bounce. Apparently Little Bill tried dropping one of the nuggets on his tray and it bounced right back up into his hand.

For lunch yesterday, Bill had some asparagus. Bill enjoys the side-effects of the vegetable in that it makes his urine smell funny and reminds him of what he's recently ingested. While filming his 350-Words-Or-Less segment for Utah Now at KUED, he mentioned his asparagus eating to some of the folks there. One of the smart Public Broadcasting folk informed Bill that it takes two special genes to enjoy asparagus pee. First, only some people create the odor after eating asparagus and, second, only some people can smell it.

Ask A Drag Queen
"Raven" was the Ask A... guest for this week. She lives up on West Capitol Hill, which is one of the most gay-friendly districts in the city. Most drag-queens are gay, and most transvestites are not. Most transvestites fancy girls. How do I know that? A transvestite told me that. Raven began dressing up in the theater and enjoyed the different persona it gave her. Raven does a lot of Drag Queen shows for various charities. Raven doesn't always dress up like this. It takes her approximately 2-3 hours to put herself together thusly. Depending on the venue, she'll either use the men's or women's bathroom. She's not telling you where she tucks it, but it's sure to be fun.

Jeff Vice
Rocky Jr., otherwise known as, Never Back Down, is just like The Karate Kid. Djimon Hounsou is great, but unfortunately it has other actors in it. 2 stars.

Funny Games is a torture film, without a lot of graphic violence. However, it's still disturbing as hell. It's really well shot, but just left a bad taste in Jeff's mouth.

Diary of The Dead is George Romero's latest zombie movie. The fact that it has a zombie fishbowl is reason enough to see it. 2.5 stars.

\Horton Hears a Who! is so much better than either of the recent live-action Dr. Seuss adaptations. The animation really retains the style of the original illustrations. 3 stars.