radiofromhell
03 December 2009 @ 10:40 pm
RFH - 2009-12-03  
Opening Song
"New World Order" - Ministry

Movie Chat
Bill went to see 2012. It blows. It contains every disaster-movie cliche. The government knows everything, people die, the kids are saved, blah, blah, blah. Luckily, they happen to have a novel by the hero that nobody has purchased that saves the day! John Cusack is John Cusack. Oliver Platt is Oliver Platt. The arks are loaded two-by-two with animals. Huh? Yeah. Arks....Under the mountains in China.

Bill is not looking forward to the film version of The Road. It was the most depressing and terrible book that Bill has ever read. It was well written, but it was just unrelentingly dark. Gina disagrees. It was an excellent book with a message of hope.

Boners (brought to you by chicken and bok choy)
1. "We Know How To Handle The Gay Problem": The Ugandan parliament has proposed a law to punish homosexual sex with a minimum of life imprisonment. If one of the participants in the act is HIV positive or a serial offender a conviction would result in a sentence of death by hanging. In addition, citizens are required to report any homosexual activity or face up to three years in jail.

2. "Thieves Need Xmas Too": California thieves stole more than $100,000 in toys and food collected for homeless families from an underground storage. Twenty-five thousand dollars in new toys and more that 20,000 lbs. of food were stolen.

3. "We're Gonna Have to Review Our Booking Procedures": Authorities of the Texas criminal justice system will be reviewing their policies after a seemingly wheelchair-bound prisoner managed to pull a gun on two armed guards during a prison transfer then escaped on foot.

The members of the Ugandan parliament are Boner of the Day.

Ask a Movie Critic
No. Not Jeff Vice. No. Not Sean Means. Instead, it's Luke Hickman, who reviews movies on Theagle. Mr. Hickman has a website. Mr. Hickman took film and journalism classes at UVSC. Mr. Hickman has a website. Mr. Hickman doesn't care for most things. Mr. Hickman has a website. His three favorite movies are Vanilla Sky, Garden State, and The Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. Mr. Hickman has a website. He hated I Love You Beth Cooper. Mr. Hickman has a website. Richie is a better Mormon than Mr. Hickman. Mr. Hickman has a website.

Jeff Vice
Armored was not screened.
Transylmania was not screened and does not feature George Hamilton.
Brothers was not screened. Of course, the trailer gives the entire movie away. See the original Danish version, Brødre, instead.

Everybody's Fine is adequate. Like today's "Ask a...," it's fine. If it hadn't been for the stars, the movie would have been worthy of the Hallmark channel. 2 star.

The Messenger with Woody Harrelson and Ben Foster is really, really good. It's about the "Angel of Death Squads" that notify family members that their family members have been killed in action. Woody Harrelson should probably get at least an Oscar nomination for his performance. 3 stars.

Episode #5310
Days until contract expiration: 119
Edition 1078 of Atropos' blog.
Day 65 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 342 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!
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radiofromhell
12 November 2009 @ 01:08 pm
RFH - 2009-11-12  
Episode #5297
Days until contract expiration: 140
Edition 1070 of Atropos' blog.
Day 44 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 363 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

This Blog Has Been Pre-recorded
The majority of today's Radio From Hell Broadcast was recorded on Saturday and played back today as Kerry, Bill, Gina, Richie, and several dozen F.O.Ps fly to Mexico. Gina was worried that hurricane Ida might ruin their vacation. After all, as evidenced by her immaculate weather reports, Gina is a meteorologist....Well, she did take meteorology in college for an easy science credit. She received a "C" for the class.

The show was recorded in Kerry's basement, which looks exactly how one might imagine Kerry's basement to look; toys and cardboard cut-outs everywhere. Bill described it as being decorated by an adolescent with money.

Kerry and Sue keep their house pretty cold, so Gina had to put on a pair of Kerry's wool socks. Much to her surprise, the "smart wool" socks were not itchy. Gina could barely believe it; isn't wool always itchy!? Yes, Gina. You're smart and beautiful. Eat your pot pie and put on your muff.

Unforgettable Quote
"Titty fish ate my titty." - Kerry Jackson

Boners
1. "When Talking Out of Your Ass, Get Your Facts Straight": In attacking health care reform, the financial newspaper, Investor's Business Daily, printed an editorial which read, in part, "People such as scientist Stephen Hawking wouldn't have a chance in the UK, where the National Health Service would say the life of this brilliant man, because of his physical handicaps, is essentially worthless." Not only is Stephen Hawking a British citizen, and very much alive in spite of the nationalized health service, Mr. Hawking credits the NHS for his longevity telling The Guardian, "I wouldn’t be here today if it were not for the NHS. I have received a large amount of high-quality treatment without which I would not have survived."

2. "CRIKEY! Get Out! We Need The Sex!" or "CRIKEY! How Much to Go All the Way?" An Australian taxi-driver was ordered to leave his cab so that the couple who had hired him could engage in coitus in the backseat of the taxi. The driver was then beaten with a high-heeled shoe and denied payment for his fare.

3. "Boomtown": In a Salt Lake Tribute editorial, The Tribune claims that the city of Woods Cross ignored information from the engineer that they hired to study the safety of houses near the Silver Eagle Refinery. That report indicated several safety concerns with building houses too close to the refinery. Instead, the City Council of Woods Cross accepted a report from the engineer hired by the developer seeking to build homes in the area.

The sex-starved taxi-fares are Boners of the Day.

Ask an Excommunicated Mormon - June 19, 2008
University of Utah professor Margaret Toscano is an excommunicated Mormon. Her husband, Paul Toscano, was excommunicated as part of the somewhat infamous "September Six". The "September Six" was the discipline and/or excommunication of six LDS intellectuals. Ms. Toscano was excommunicated later. Ms. Toscano was chastised a number of times for discussing the "Heavenly Mother", women in the priesthood, the role of women in the church, and the possibility that Joseph Smith discussed different roles for women. The church demanded that Ms. Toscano disavow everything she had said previously and to never discuss those things again. She could not. She was taken before a "Church Court" (now referred to as a "Disciplinary Council") and stripped of her church membership. Ms. Toscano still considers herself a Mormon, as that is her family heritage, but no longer a member of the church. She bears no ill-will towards the church and won't discuss issues like temple ceremonies, etc. The real issue, she says, is the rejection of amicable dissent and open discussion of feminist and other important issues.

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today - kind of.
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radiofromhell
05 November 2009 @ 01:07 pm
RFH - 2009-11-05  
Episode #5292
Days until contract expiration: 147
Edition 1065 of Atropos' blog.
Day 37 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 5 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-off
"So many men, so few places to hide the bodies."

Boners (brought to you by a fajita sort of a thing)
1. "Hey!  Blow Into This.":  A man attending a Halloween party dressed a a breathalyzer was arrested for driving whilst intoxicated.  James P. Miller was found driving the wrong way, without his headlights, on a one-way street.  When police stopped Mr. Miller, they found an open container and a half-case of beer on the front seat. 

2. "Is This an All-Ages Show?":  When Layton police learned that local comedian Scott Lee Russell (aka "Scotty Lee") was scheduled to perform at the Wise Guys comedy club, they asked Ogden Police to arrest him during his show.  Mr. Russell has an outstanding warrant for his arrest as a result of possessing child pornography on a laptop computer.  Unfortunately for police, Mr. Russell did not show up for his gig.  Police originally found the child pornography after investigating an inappropriate relationship that Mr. Russell was having with a 15-year-old girl.

3."When You're a Cop in Tooele, It's Party Time":  Two police officers in Tooele have been fired after in investigation turned up that the married couple engaged in sexual harassment, drunken driving, playing twister whilst in uniform and drunk, supplying alcohol to a minor, allowing another person to drive drunk, and many others.  The two officers also may have been engaged in a sexual relationship with another couple that they met through their police work.  They had been on the force for 10 years before being fired.

The wild-and-crazy cops are Boners of the Day.


Ask a Parowan Prophet
Leland Freeborn Jr. is a self-proclaimed prophet and bigot and racist.  He crashed his plane when he was 33-years-old and had a "vision" whilst he was in a coma for three weeks.  His "vision" included "revelations" on polygamy, race, and the beginning of WWIII.  When he told his story to apostle Gordon B. Hinkley, he was promptly excommunicated from the current LDS church.  Mr. Freeborn believes that you should make sure you have some potassium iodide on hand because a nuclear war will break out this December.  He has predicted a nuclear holocaust before, but this time he really believes that it could happen this December.  All he knows for sure is that the nukes will fly during a time when there is snow on the ground and the winter holiday lights are up.  Mr. Freeborn is confident that having President Obama in the Whitehouse will hasten our destruction, but he's never known a black man to keep a job for very long (that joke was from a comic - but Leland thought is was HIGH-larious.)  Mixing of the races is also a terrible, terrible thing - but it did give us some pretty women like Halle Berry.  Freeborn learned that little fact as he was sleeping in a high-school parking lot and writing by flashlight.  Don't believe Leland?  When the mushroom clouds rise up over Hill Airforce Base, your thoughts may alter!  Just don't go running down to Parawon looking for help from Leland Freeborn Jr. and his bomb shelter.  You'll just have to live without toilets and TV videos and Leland's charmingly asinine personality.

Jeff Vice
The Box was not screened.

Ong Bak 2 has some great fights, but terrible, terrible acting.  2 stars.

Gentleman Broncos continues Jared Hess' descencion into immaturity.  Jemaine of Flight of the Conchords is the only reason to see this movie.  2 stars.

Coco Before Chanel stars Audrey Tatu.  That's all Jeff needs to know.  3 stars.

The Fourth Kind could be subtitled, "Close Encounters of the Worst Kind."  It's a movie claiming to be the true story of alien abductions.  Bull[sock].  Milla can't act, it's not scary, it's just......bleh.  If you want a good movie about alien abductions, Bill recommends, The UFO Incident (1975).  The Fourth Kind gets 1 star.

A Christmas Carol.  It's been seen.  Robert Zemekis is too in love with his digital motion-capture animation to actually tell a story.  There was no reason for this move to be animated.  It's too creepy for kids and too stupid for adults.  1.5 stars.

The Men Who Stare at Goats.  The funniest parts are in the trailer, but the rest of the movie is light with subtle humor.  Goofy George Clooney and Jeff Bridges make the movie.  3 stars.

Gina's Sign-off (via Richie)
"I went to the appointment at the time."

Kerry's Status
"Kerry was on the show today."

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radiofromhell
22 October 2009 @ 06:06 pm
RFH - 2009-10-22  
Episode #5282
Days until contract expiration: 161
Edition 1055 of Atropos' blog.
Day 23 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 19 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Theatre vs. Theater
Last night, Bill performed his radio play in front of a preview audience.  Bill has a lot of experience with the theater.  In fact, he was was Hansel for 300 performances of Hansel and Gretel for a school in Flordia.  It was really the only play the school could afford, so they just did it over, and over, and over again.  Gina wondered how Bill could manage the same level of enthusiasm for Hansel after so many performances.  When Richie gets tired of a show, he encourages the other actors to engage in stage games like, "Try and insert the word 'tiberius' into tonight's performance."  Bill doesn't believe in that kind of dishonesty to the craft of acting.  Each performance must be a gem of it's own.

Regretful Hate
An F.O.P called in to admit that she had once told on a school bus driver because the driver listened to Radio From Hell and the radio presenters used the word "hell."  She felt really bad about it and is now a converted member of teh Radio From Hell family.  Little Bill had some troubles on the bus of his own.  Bill didn't give specifics, but Little Bill was banned from the bus until Bill calls and talks to the school.  Later that night, though, Little Bill was singing some goofy song.  When Bill asked what it was, Little Bill replied that the bus driver listens to country music and he heard it there.  That's it.  Whatever happened was not Little Bill's fault!  It's that damned country music.  It angry's up the blood!

Boners (brought to you by cashew [Gesundheit!] chicken)
1. "Minister Farrakhan is a Loon":  Louis Farrakhan, leader of The Nation of Islam, told a Memphis audience that the H1N1 vaccine was a plot to kill people, in order to reduce the world's population.  Mr. Farrakhan was quoted as saying, "The Earth can't take 6.5 billion people. We just can't feed that many. So what are you going to do? Kill as many as you can. We have to develop a science that kills them and makes it look as though they died from some disease."

2. "Sorry About Them Guys in Prison":  A woman who claimed that several white men had beat her with sticks, raped her, forced her to eat feces and drink urine, recanted her story.  The horrific ordeal supposedly happened in September of 2007, and the six of the seven men she accused went to prison for their actions.  Twenty-two year old Megan Williams now claims that the entire story was made up to get revenge against her boyfriend, who had allegedly beat her.  Prosecutors, however, say that Ms. Williams' testimony has never been reliable and that physical evidence had convicted the six men.

3. "Who Votes For The Dead Guy?":  An Alabama Democratic party commission inadvertently appointed a dead man to serve on their committee.  The commission relied on outdated records and appointed Reynold's Smith Jr., who had died the previous November.

Louis Farrakhan is Boner of the Day.

Ask a DJ
No, not another "Hello?  Yeah?  What?"  Today's guest is Marci, who is a new DJ to X96.  Marci would like listeners to join her on X96 from 10:00am-3:00pm.  She once worked in Arizona, New York, and Washington, D.C.  Marci would like listeners to join her on X96 from 10:00am-3:00pm.  Unintentionally, Marci convinced Bill never to give another high-five in his life.  Marci would like listeners to join her on X96 from 10:00am-3:00pm.  She was congratulating Bill on a particularly good ratings period and said, "High five!"  Marci would like listeners to join her on X96 from 10:00am-3:00pm.  Bill, who was tired and ill-tempered looked at her hanging hand and replied, "I don't high-five."  Marci would like listeners to join her on X96 from 10:00am-3:00pm.

Unforgettable Quote
"They don't call me 'Billy with the Wet Willy' for nothing." - Bill Allred

Jeff Vice
Saw VI was not screened.

A Serious Man was not screened.

Adventures of Power is terrible.  It's Napoleon Dynamite with air-drumming.  It should be retitled to Napoleon Drums a Lot.  It's not funny and it's annoying.  1 star.

Cirque du Freak:  The Vampire Assistant is a movie based on a series of books.  John C. Reilly is good and everything else blows.  The one saving grace is Mr. Reilly's romantic sub-plot with the bearded woman played by Salma Hayek.  2 stars.

Astroboy is a gumbo of movies.  It takes parts of Spiderman, Ironman, The Incredibles, Dumbo, and Pinocchio and stirs them into a distasteful mess.  2 stars.

Amelia is gonna bring back bomber jackets, cargo pants, and moxie!  Hilary Swank is good, but the movie is all build up with no pay-off.  There isn't enough biographical information about the movie's subject.  2.5 stars.

Flirting: Mormon Style
Richie would never sully his body with the demon liquor.  Richie's body is a temple; wanna recommend?  One recommend gets you into every temple.  Wanna hold the priesthood?  The song says, "Hold to the rod."  Wanna see a one-eared elephant?  Wha?  Huh?  Nevermind.

Gina's Sign-off
You don't have a flat roof.

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.


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radiofromhell
15 October 2009 @ 09:11 pm
RFH - 2009-10-15  
Episode #5277
Days until contract expiration: 168
Edition 1050 of Atropos' blog.
Day 16 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 26 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-offs
  • "Follow your dreams, except the one where you're naked in public."
  • "Just because science doesn't know everything doesn't mean you can fill in the gaps with whatever fairy tale most appeals to you."
Sleep Aid
Lately Bill hasn't been sleeping well.  He falls asleep fast enough, but he wakes up in the night.  Though Gina is still convinced that Bill suffers from diabetes, it isn't because he has to pee.  He pees because he wakes up.  To combat his wakefulness, Bill has been trying melatonin.  It seems to work ok, but gives Bill dreams and makes him feel "different" when he wakes up.  Bill would really just like some of that propofol that he had in the hospital.  It puts you right out and makes you awake fully rested without any grogginess.  Kerry is now planning to send Sue to nursing school where she can learn to become and anesthetist.

Pizza Wiener
When being a mascot, you want a costume without a tail and with lots of padding in the crotch.  Richie has been a number of mascots.  In college, Richie was "Thor" the SUU Thunderbird.  He's also played a phone book, a Verizon phone, and a pizza.  Being a pizza was the least comfortable - because of the pizza wiener.  The pizza slice costume features the crust at the top along the shoulders, with the point of the slice down between the legs.  When resting and sitting down on the ground, the pizza slice either has to tuck the point down underneath, like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, or it pokes up and the wearer becomes a very excited piece of pizza.

Today's Moment of Chet
Hey!  Sounds great!  Thanks for listening.

1. "Would I Kill My Own Dog?":  When found at the Mount Olympus trailhead late Tuesday night, a Utah man reported to police that two men beat him up, ransacked his home, killed his dog, then dumped him at the trailhead.  Police later discovered, however, that the entire story was made up and that the man killed his own dog to cover up the lie.

2. "My God Man, Put On a Glove":  A 19-year-old woman in Chicago claims that police broke into her house whilst she was half naked, performed a body-cavity search on her without gloves, then forced her to sit naked and cuffed as they searched through her apartment.  Two hours later she was uncuffed and the officers left, leaving a search warrant naming an unknown person on her table.

3. "I've Got a Cake to Make"  A woman in Roy nearly ran over two employees of a store who attempted to stop her from shoplifting cake decorations.  Kayla Duram was already on probation for hitting another man with her van.  In this incident, she was running out of the store with cake decorations when the two employees gave chase.  She got into her car and backed into the two, then pulled forward and hit another car.  She was arrested and charged with robbery.

The dog killer is Boner of the Day.

Ask a Food Critic
Ted Scheffler has been the food critic for The City Weekly (in its various incarnations) for 16-years.  Utah has more than 17,000 restaurants, but Mr. Scheffler has whittled that down to 100 in his latest dining guide.  They aren't necessarily the BEST restaurants in Utah, but they are his favorites.  He doesn't dress up in disguises or anything when he reviews restaurants, but he does show up unannounced.  Ted doesn't feel that he really has the power to drive a restaurant out of business wit a single review.  Want a rack of lamb?  Hit Tiburon.  A unique lunch in downtown Salt Lake?  Try The Olive Bistro or The Bay Leaf Cafe.  Little World has great chinese food, but no real ambiance or service.  Down in the U.C. visit Pizzeria 712 or Communal.  Need a good taqueria?  Lone Star never disappoints.

Jeff Vice
Law Abiding Citizen is crappy.  It's a bad combination of Saw and Eagle Eye.  Torture porn and an exploding cell phone.  It's far fetched and stupid.  1.5 stars

More Than a Game is a documentary about basketball star Lebron James and his high-school friends.    Because Mr. James oversaw production of the movie, any controversies are glossed over.  It still has an interesting subject, however, but the story telling is superficial.  2.5 stars.

OPA! is a romantic comedy set in Greece.  Matthew Modine plays a snarky archeologist, badly.  His love interest in the movie is hot.  2.5 stars

The Boys are Back is sappy, but Clive Owen is fantastic as always.  2.5 stars

Where The Wild Things Are is not a movie for young children.  Eight-years-old and up is Jeff's recommendation.  It's really a movie for people who have already grown up with the book.  The kid is absolutely terrific.  It's touching and terrifying and layered and just really well done.  3.5 stars.

Gina's Sign-off (via Richie)
"I need a vacation with my husband."

Gina's Sign-off (via Atropos)
"Let's just end it there."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.


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radiofromhell
08 October 2009 @ 10:01 am
RFH - 2009-10-08  

Episode #5272
Days until contract expiration: 175
Edition 1045 of Atropos' blog.

Day 9 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 33 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-offs

  • "Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge."
  • "I did not hit you! I simply high-fived your face."

E-mail to Everyone
Bill got an e-mail from a Gina Watson that she sent to EVERYONE. Subject: “OH NO!” Full of cartoons and a rhyme about witches. A witch kiss? And a witch’s bare buttocks? Junk and spam e-mails are a waste of space and a waste of time…except for Gina Barberi, who doesn’t pay attention.

Radio From Hell Radio Players
Kerry and Bill reenacted a transcript from the infamous “The Chunga Show.” He was interviewing documentarian Michael Moore about his new movie. Bill played Chunga, while Kerry was Michael Moore. Chunga didn’t let a word in edgewise, and still accused Moore of not answering the questions posed to him. He then ended the interview abruptly when he apparently realized that Moore actually knew what he was talking about. Remember: no embellishments or exaggerations were taken with this interview. And no animals were physically harmed. Transcript to be posted soon.

Boners
1. “Careful who you take a poke at”: Two men in Wales attacked two men in drag. However, the men didn’t know that the men in drag were trained cage fighters. Needless to say, the instigators got beaten thoroughly, as the men in drag scooped up their handbags and went on their way.

 

2. “I don’t know if he’s Merry or Pippin, but I do know he’s a dope”: While participating in a panel about the new ABC show “Flash Forward,” cast member Dominic Monaghan admitted that he was taking away an American part from American actors, seeing as how he’s British. He also said that “Flash Forward” was simplistic and not as sophisticated as his previous television show, “Lost.” Whoops!

 

3. “Sports and Jesus build character”: A female football player participated in a youth scrimmage in Colorado, causing two coaches to fight over whether or not moral issues prevented the other players from hitting a girl. One of the coaches was suspended for his behavior.

The impulsive drag queen attackers are Boner of the Day.


Ask A Wiccan
Vivian and Ariel are practicing Wiccans. Vivian grew up LDS, but was attracted to the witch mythology popularized by Halloween. She started investigating when she was 13, and feels it is the best way to express her feelings for her god and goddess. The term “witch” has a negative connotation in society, even though the Wiccans themselves don’t mind it. It is a lifestyle more so than anything else. Her god is “Spirit,” which is related to the pentagram. The pentagram is based off of the Vitruvian Man by Leonardo da Vinci. The pentagram has been manipulated and turned upside down by Satanists, although this is not the same pentagram used by the Wiccans. Spells can be cast by anyone, Wiccan or not. When casting a spell, one is essentially sending a request out to the universe. This needs to be followed by acts and devotion. There is no guarantee that the universe will grant the request. “What goes around, comes around” in the Wiccan world, so if you do something negative, it will come back to haunt you three times over.

Jeff Vice
Paranormal Activity is about paranormal activity. All about scariness and superstition. 3 stars.

Séraphine has pretty imagery and a great lead actress, but it’s slow. If you like art, you’ll love it. If you hate art, you won’t. 2.5 stars.

Earth Days is a documentary about important people concerned with the environment. Great interviews, good topics, good archival footage. But it’s very schooly and by-the-book. 2.5 stars.

The September Issue follows Vogue magazine’s editor as they get ready to release the largest volume in history. Sienna Miller appears as a stupid and retouched model. 3 stars.

Amreeka is about Israelis who emigrate to America and the intolerance and hardships they encounter. The director loosely based the story on her life. Great cast. 3 stars.

One Good Man is very technically proficient but dramatically dull. It’s about a day in the life of an LDS man. It feels like a reality show. Good cinematography and assembly, with a good cast. But yawn. 2 stars.

Couples Retreat comes from an awful, old script that was retooled by Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau and another guy, over which the cast just improvises. With bad results. NOT funny. Might be worth it just to see Jon Favreau a little fatter. 1.5 stars.

Gina's Sign-off
“They'll have to throw in some horses.”

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

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radiofromhell
17 September 2009 @ 01:03 pm
RFH - 2009-09-17  
Episode #5257
Days until contract expiration: 196
Edition 1031 of Atropos' blog.

...and...

Only 54 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!


Sign-off
  • "I swear, if you don't stop annoying me, I'm going to shave your head in your sleep"

Boners
1. "Stop Your Hollering At The Damn TV!":  After his mother told a 28-year-old Orem man to stop yelling at the TV, he stood up and began threatening her with physical violence.  As he looked about to hit his mother, the man's 21-year-old brother intervened.  The two brothers then began to fight and the younger man was struck several times.  Hearing the commotion, a 15-year-old brother also stepped into the fray and was wacked around as well.  The 28-year-old was charged with two counts of domestic violence.

2. "Eh...I Remember Going to Hooters":  A man with a long history of drunkenness was pulled over by police after he was spotted riding his motorcycle down Interstate 75, whilst naked.  When questioned by police, the naked man indicated that he did not know where he was coming from, but did remember going to Hooters and did remember having something to drink.  The man was also unable to remember how or why he lost his clothing.

3. "You Try Being A Gay Porn Twin!":  Twin brothers in Philadelphia, who have appeared as co-stars in such adult films as Mark and the Twins, plead guilty to burglary after being caught cutting holes in the roof-tops of businesses in order to rob them.  One of the brothers was given a heavy sentence due to previous arrests, including one incident in which he swam across a lake, in handcuffs, to avoid police.

The drunk and naked motorcyclist is Boner of the Day.


Ask A Herbalist
Al Garcia is an herbalist.  Third world countries have a lot of luck treating polio with vitamin C.  John Wayne died with 40 lbs. of feces in his colon.  Mr. Garcia and other herbalists know this despite the fact that no autopsy was ever performed on Mr. Wayne.  Most licensed medical doctors don't know about nutrition, but the largely-unregulated herbalist can help you through that.  Though your body carefully regulates the narrow pH at which it can function all by itself, it's important to watch for calcium imbalanceswhich will make you more alkaline or acidic.  Herbs that have been used forthousands of yearshave no need to demonstrate their medical efficacy.  Autism is caused by homogenized milk.  Don't drink homogenized milk and avoid gluten to stay autism free.  Fenugreek makes you smell like maple syrup.  http://www.learntohealthyourself.com

Jeff Vice
Afghan Star is a documentary about a karaoke contest in Afghanistan, similar to the one held her in The United States by a similar name.  The characters are engaging and sympathetic.  3 stars.

Cold Souls stars Paul Giamatti as himself, but not really.  He's a stage actor who is irritated by the oppressive weight of his life.  He is recommended to a "soul storage company" which will remove a person's soul, store it, and give them a loaner soul until they feel better.  The sub-plot about the soul-carrying donkey is great.  3.5 stars.

Jennifer's Body proves that Megan Fox is just another pretty face.  "Shut up and show us your ass."  Terrible acting and too much Buffy-style action.  1 star.

Love Happens.  Gina movie.  2 stars.

The Informant proves that Jeff Vice doesn't care for the films of Steven Soderbergh.  He is too much of a director.  Matt Damon's performance is great.  He's much like a live-action Ned Flanders.  2.5 stars.

Gina's Sign-off
"My neck's burning."


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radiofromhell
03 September 2009 @ 10:16 pm
RFH - 2009-09-03  
Episode #5248
Days until contract expiration: 210
Edition 1022 of Atropos' blog.

Sign-off
  • "Consider the daffodil, and while you're doing that, I'll be over here going through your stuff."

A Child of God
Sean From New York likes to discuss religion with Kerry, Bill, Gina, and Richie.  Today he's being taken to the LDS Church Facilities in downtown Salt Lake City.  Sean was kind of disappointed that he wasn't allowed to enter The Salt Lake Temple.  Richie was quick to point out that Sean wasn't banned from entering the temple.  In fact, Richie has a couple of female friends who would be happy to meet with Sean after his tour and tell him exactly how he can view the inside of The Salt Lake Temple.

Additionally, whilst going through his old papers, Bill came across a certificate confirming Bill's appointment as a priest in the Aaronic Priesthood.  In fact, technically, Bill is still a priest.  If he and Sean start working hard right now, Bill could actually be the one to baptize Sean into the LDS church.  Bill is doubtful that will happen.  Looking at Bill's Priesthood Family Tree, his branch has been removed and tarred over due to Dutch Elm Disease.

The Easy Take Place
For Kerry's birthday, Sean intended to pick up the cost of Kerry's hold at the comic book store.  Instead, Sean bought Kerry an Airsoft replica of Robocop's gun.  Kerry's gun was manufactured in China and has a number of warnings that he should follow.  "Use before please read explain book."  "Do not use in many people place."  "Keep away from childe in not easy take place."

Boners (brought to you by pasta)
1. "I'll Teach You Family Loyalty":  Kenny Jackson is accused of ripping the shirt off his 4-year-old son because the color of the shirt represented a rival gang.  When police were called, he was hiding in the trunk of his car.

2. "I'll Give You Something To Cry About":  A man in Georgia slapped a 2-year-old toddler when she would not stop crying in a Wal-mart.  Roger Stephens approached the mother of the child and told her, "If you don't shut that baby up, I will shut her up for you."  When the baby continued to cry, Mr. Stephens approached them again and slapped the little girl 4 or 5 times.

3. "What's She Need With Money?":  As Beatrice Barker lay dying from neglect and bed sores, Corin Barker and his wife, Nadine, stole more than $100,000 from their mother.

Mr. Stephens is Boner of the Day.

Ask A Proctologist
Why be a proctologist?  Well, maybe you played "Butts up" as a kid, or maybe you just want to help miserable people get better.  The modern term for a proctologist is a "colorectal surgeon."  A third of the work is cancer, another third is pelvic floor problems (for  women), and the last third is actual proctology.  Men should start getting colonoscopys at age 50, and ever 10-years thereafter.  If you have a history of colon cancer, start 10 years earlier.  One should not insert a mason jar of nuts and bolts into your rectum.  One should also never engage in "down there" irrigation, unless you like ruptured colons.  If you don't want to be constipated, make sure you are getting enough fiber and drinking enough water.  Anal intercourse will not give you cancer, but women should get the HPV vaccine to avoid anal cancer.  "Be sure to use a condom!  These are dangerous times!"  "Brace yourselves -- the area of penetration will, no doubt, be sensitive."

Ready For  School
Riding on the bus doesn't bother Little Mrs. Bill.  In fact, even when Mrs. Bill was at the school as a volunteer, Little Mrs. Bill INSISTED on riding the bus home.  In fact, she even wanted to walk the three blocks back to the house, but Mrs. Bill went ahead and drove her home.

Jeff Vice
Gamer was not pre-screened.

Little Ashes stars the Twilight darling as Salvador Dali.  He sucks and his accent sucks.

Soul Power is a boring and dry concert film.

All About Steve is god-awful.  Sandy Bullock is a crossword constructor who stalks a camerman.  They fall in love after she falls in a sink hole with other deaf children.  It's colossally bad.  0 stars.

Management is awful.  Steve Zahn stalks Jennifer Aniston.  They end up in love, despite bong smoking by Woody Harrelson.  2 stars.

Extract is Mike Judge's latest movie.  Jason bateman plays the owner of an extract company that is bored and wants to sell off the company.  He also hates his wife and wants to mount Mila Kunis whilst under the influence of marijuana and horse tranquilizers.  J. Jonah Jameson and Gigli co-star.  2.75 stars.

Gina's Sign-off
"Go Utes!"



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radiofromhell
27 August 2009 @ 07:27 pm
RFH - 2009-08-27  
Episode #5243
Days until contract expiration: 218
Edition 1017 of Atropos' blog.

Sign-off
  • Good things come in small packages.  So does poison.

The Boom Has Been Lowered
Mrs. Bill finally wavered; she couldn't let a complete stranger stay in her home with her kids.  Sean from New York would have to stay somewhere else.  She thought she was OK with it, but when it came down to it, she couldn't.  Instead, Sean will be staying, primarily, with Richie in The Nana Cave.  On his first night in town, however, he'll be joining The Geekshow at movie night, then staying at Kerry's place.  "Ohmygodican'twait!"

Boners
1. "He Didn't Look Polish Enough":  Microsoft has apologized for an altered photo published in an advertisment by their Polish division.  The photo featured a woman and two men; one Asian, and one Black.  The head of the Black gentleman was removed and sloppily replaced with that of a Caucasian man.  The graphic artist even forgot to change the visible hand of the Black man.

2. "Louis Was Always So Quiet...Too Quiet":  The CEO of a Virginia based anti-animal cruelty organization accidentally killed her 16-year-old blind & deaf dog, "Louie", when she left him in her hot car for more than four hours.  According to Robin Starr, her husband had placed the dog into her car without her knowledge.  Louie failed to make any noise to alert Ms. Starr to his presence, and was left in the car for more than four hours.

3. "Well, I Guess We'll Have to Take The Bugger Out Again":  After weeks of excruciating pain, Mark Watson had his appendix removed.  A month later, the 35-year-old collapsed in agony and was again taken to the hospital and told that his appendix had ruptured and to be removed immediately.  Now Mr. Watson is wondering what was removed from him the first time.

The dog-killer is Boner of the Day.

Ask a Transsexual
What parts does Tyler have?  All the parts he needs.  Tyler grew up as a female, but always felt some measure of depression and anxiety.  After therapy to determine his appropriate state of mind, Tyler began taking testosterone to build up his physical size and make his opinion more masculine.  Even when he was young, it was understood by his family that he liked girls.  His family has been really supportive of Tyler and his transformation.  His mother even attended with him when he went before a judge to have his name and gender legally changed.  Tyler would like to have chest surgery to remove his breasts, but will have to wait until science improves before any further surgery is done.


Jeff Vice
Halloween 2 was not screened for critics.
Final Destination 3D was not screened for critics.

Adam is a Sundance film about a man with Asperger Syndrome who falls in love with his new neighbor, who is getting over a bad breakup.  Unforunately, the final third of the film falls apart.  It's almost as if they spliced in the final reel of Say Anything. 2.5 stars

Taking Woodstock is Ang Lee needing to make a movie that is less serious.  It's a comedy, drama, and music film.  The comedy works, but the drama really doesn't. 2.5 stars.

Neglected News
Jamima Simpkins doesn't understand human evolution.  Michale Jackson isn't dead.  It was all a hoax.  Kevin Smith and Bruce Willis are a couple of dicks.

Gina's Sign-off
"My candy needs subtitltes."



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radiofromhell
13 August 2009 @ 08:15 pm
RFH - 2009-08-13  
Episode #5233
Days until contract expiration: 231
Day 13 of Gina's Most Newest Morning Meander

Quick Summary
Marcus may be gay.  He enjoyed Seventeen Again nearly as much as Richie and Gina.  Of course, unlike Richie, he's not going to rush out and subscribe to Tiger Beat in order to find out to which Harry Potter character Zach Effron most relates.  If Marcus had a minstrel band in World of Warcraft, he would name it Pat Minotaur....Love certainly is a battlefield in World of Warcraft.   Richie is alone and rapidly approaching the fiery ritual of carousel when he will have to go to the 30+ Singles ward.  He hasn't even eaten an ostrich burger.   Marcus doesn't get chocolate cake and ice-cream.  He really doesn't get chocolate cake and ice-cream that is sensually melted together in a microwave.

Boners (brought to you by a steak fried in the manner of a chicken)
1. "Ding-Dong":  He's big!  He's naked!  He's ringing your doorbell!  The 6'7", 250 lbs. Peter Allen Steele was arrested after at least two residents reported seeing Mr. Steele standing naked in the street after he had run their doorbell.  Mr. Steele has plead not guilty.

2. "I Want My $10 Big Screen TV":  A computer error led Best Buy to list a 52" plasma screen TV for only $9.99.  Some Best Buy customers purchased 10 of the ultra-low-priced televisions.  Best Buy has canceled all of the orders and apologized for the incorrect price.

3. "Would Somebody Please Hit This Guy?"  The 22-year-old man begging for a fight behind a TJ Max was granted his request after his sucker punched one of the spectators.  The instigator began throwing rocks at the group of five people before claiming that he was preparing for a UFC fight and needed to practice getting knocked out.  He then punched one of the group and was pummeled.

The UFC fighter is Boner of the Day.

Ask a Divorce Lawyer
The majority of divorces are caused by selfishness.  Most of a divorce lawyer's work is done after the divorce is finale.  Amending a divorce is fairly simple.  Divorces can be expensive, but if the divorce involves children, you should definitely have a lawyer at least look over the documents.  Most spouses with children need to give at least 60 days notice.  Some people fight over really stupid things like pet visitation schedules and adult toys.

Jeff Vice
Paper Heart is a faux documentary with recreations.  The shtick runs thin.  2 stars.

Band Slam has Disney stars and someone what looks like Sheila Boof wearing an Albert Brooks wig.  It's an inoffensive and bland movie.  2 stars.

The Goods.  It's Jeremy Piven playing Will ferrell.  Ving rames is funny.  2 stars.

Ponyo is the latest animated film by Hayao Miyazaki about a goldfish that wants to be human.  It's got a great voice cast.  It's more from kids than some of the other Miyazaki movies.  Marcus doesn't get it.  3 stars.

District 9 is the aftermath of a scrapped Halo movie.  It's a science-fiction allegory for apartheid.  The aliens are called "prawns" and look like shrimps.  The main criticism that Jeff had with the movie was the video-game-esque ability for the characters to find a gun just when they need it.  3.25 stars.

Gina's Sign-off
"Crap."


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radiofromhell
30 July 2009 @ 01:12 pm
RFH - 2009-07-30  
Episode #5223
Days until contract expiration: 245
Day 3 of Gina's Most Newest Morning Meander

Boners (brought to you by wostadas on Waco Wednesday)
1. "Out of Sight, Out of Mind":  After a complaint from the National Federation for the Blind citing The Utah School for the Deaf and Blind for ill-trained teachers, incomplete student evaluations, shoddy braille translations, and a myriad of other problems, the state, launched it's own probe into the school.  The state feels that none of these problems are particularly bad, but are looking to remedy some issues.

2. "We Thought It Would Be Funny":  Six-people were cited in Ogden after they injured a motorcyclist on his way home.  Matt Sevy was driving home in the early morning when he suddenly felt himself chocking and couldn't breathe.  The would-be pranksters had tied a fishing line across the street, which caught Mr. Sevy in the throat.  He managed to maintain control of his bike and stop, but has been left with a long scar across his neck.

3. "I Just Wanted To Be On The Radio So Bad":  During a standard radio bit with a lie-detector, a mother was invited on to ask her 14-year-old daughter about her experiences with sex and drugs.  The segment, however, was cut short when the teenage daughter revealed that she had been raped as a 12-year-old.  The mother, however, already knew of the incident but neither of the two had ever reported the incident to police.  After the incident was revealed, DJ Kyle Sandilands continued with the questions asking the daughter, "Is that the only experience you've had?"

The mother, daughter, and radio jock are Boners of the Day.

Ask a Baptist Pastor
Unlike the LDS and Catholic church, there is no central church authority for the Baptists, so a lot of things change from congregation to congregation.  The Bible is a literal history.  Adam and Eve were the first human beings and the theory of evolution takes as much faith to believe as believing that two of every single creature on Earth (except the fish and evil ducks) were placed onto a single hand-made boat.  Being a homosexual is just as bad as being an adulterer which is just as bad as being a pornographer which is just as bad as being a fornicator.  Baptism isn't a carried-over event.  If you joint The Baptists, you have to get re-Baptized by immersion. 


Jeff Vice
The Ugly Truth is terrible.  That woman from Knocked Up can't act.  Gerard Butler attempts to save what he can, but his phony American accent gets in the way.  1.5 stars

Funny People is too, too long.  It does, however, have a lot of laughs.  Mr. Apatow just needs an editor.  2.5 stars.

500 Days of Summer is a movie that premiered at Sundance.  It's fantastic.  Just go see it.  4 stars.

Gina's Sign-off
"I'd kill to be a size 6."


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radiofromhell
23 July 2009 @ 12:48 pm
RFH - 2009-07-23  
Episode #5219
Days until contract expiration: 253
Day 1 of Gina's Phony Morning Meander

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

Sign-offs
  • "What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?  I have trouble choosing a wine in the morning." - George Carlin
  • "I'm looking over your shoulder, but only because I've got your back."

Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? (paraphrased)
Gina:  This is starting well. 
Bill:  There's no headphones.  There's nothing in my headphones.  I won't do it.  I'll go home.
B:  You can't find the music bed?
G:  Kerry showed me where it was, but then I forgot. 
B:  Can't you search the whole database?
G:  No.
B:  We don't need the music bed anyway.  It's a crutch.
G:  How about this?
B:  No.  It's too loud.  And there's a distracting trumpet.
B:  Is the delay on?
G:  No.  Hold on.  Hold on.  I can do it.
B:  Is Tom Martinez listening?  Tom, if your listening, call right now!
G:  I can do it!
B:  I told Tom not to come in because it would save the company some money and would be funnier.
G:  Usually when I run the board, Richie is here to help.  I can do it, I just need someone looking over my shoulder and telling me how to do it.

Boners (brought to you by chicken wacos for Waco Wednesday)
1. "Move it!  I Got Bread to Deliver!":  Utah Highway Patrol officers pulled over a Hostess bread truck driver for tailgating another driver, obscenely gesturing at the other driver, and threatening the other driver with a pistol.  The pistol ended up being a BB gun, but the driver was arrested on various traffic and weapons charges.

2. "This is the Way We All Live in America":  A Pennsylvania woman was charged with criminal negligence after she placed foreign exchange students in substandard housing.  The children were placed in homes with shortages of food, homes littered with animal feces, and in the homes of ex-convicts.

3. "We Were Afraid We Would Catch Something":  During an emergency meeting of the Fort Myers Beach town council, city manager Scott Janke was fired without cause.  The cause?  The town council had become aware that Mr. Janke's wife was an adult film star.

The PA woman is Boner of the Day.

Weekend Plans
This weekend, Bill is taking the family up to cherish the cabin.  There was also some discussion that they may spread Bill's brother's ashes at the cabin, as Nole had always cherished the cabin.  Bill was concerned that perhaps his sister and other family members may not be able to attend and would be upset that Bill scattered his share of the ashes first.  Gina suggested that Bill and his family use a FaceBook application to accomplish the task together; "Bill Allred has scattered ashes at you!  Click here to scatter ashed back."

Festus, on the other hand, will be blowing things up with The Pirate.  The Pirate is sailing up to Evingston to purchase illegal fireworks.  The fireworks in Utah suck and, "Every kid should have a chance to blow something up!"  Gina is hoping that The Pirate is caught by the privateers of the UHP and made to walk the plank.

Ask a Paparazzo
Celebrities are not people; they're corporations.  Lindsay Lohan needs a bailout.  Most photographers are freelance.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" chose today's Boner is Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"I kept it goin'!"


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radiofromhell
25 June 2009 @ 08:26 pm
RFH - 2009-06-25  
Episode #5204
Days until contract expiration: 280

Opening Song
"Next to You" - The Police

Sign-off
"Life's tough.  Get a helmet."

Boners
1. "Take a Little Nip":  A woman in North Dakota has plead guilty to child neglect after breastfeeding her baby whilst intoxicated.  Stacey Anvarinia was arrested after police arrived at a residence on an unrelated matter.  When police informed her that breastfeeding while drunk was bad for her baby, Ms. Anvarinia refused to cooperate and continued feeding the baby.

2. "I Like the Birdies":  Colorado police have seized more than 53 baby birds from the bedroom of a 15-year-old boy.  The boy had apparently collected the baby birds from neighborhood nests and stored them in his room.  Forty of the birds later died, but 13 are recovering at an animal control facility.

3. "I Need Them Fries to Go":  A theif in British Colombia made off with hot French fries from a fast-food restaurant in a brazen robbery that involved a naked run past the drive-thru window.  Police have no evidence nor any suspects.

The breast-feeding drunk is Boner of the Day.

Ask a Child Psychiatrist
Samuel Goldstein is the former front man for Fertile Dirt, a local University of Utah professor, and a neuropsychiatrist who specializes in children.  Dr. Goldstein has authored 28 books including Raising Resilient Children and Raising Self-Disciplined Children.  First lesson?  Good mother's keep giving.  Forcing picky eaters to eat things they don't like doesn't really help make them better eaters.  Regular family meals, on the other hand, are very important.  They help the family communicate better.  Regardless of what genius biologst Jenny McCarthy says, autism is not caused by vaccines or innoculations.  Alzheimer's, however, is caused by cooking in aluminum pans.

Jeff Vice
Remember when Star Wars was new and exciting?  Then, along came The Phantom Menace and it took the polish off?  Transformers 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold is like that.  it's nearly as bad as The Phantom Menace.  It's way too long, and much like sticking your head in a dryer full of rocks.  It's got robot smashing, which is good.  It also has a human story, which is brutally bad.  1.5 stars.

Summer Hours is a French drama with a bunch of folks arguing about a house.  It's a great cast, but the story isn't that exciting.  2 stars.

My Sister's Keeper shows that Cameron Diaz can act, and even star in a movie without her stupid laugh.  It's a quicky movie, with a quirky Joan Cusack playing a judge.  2.5 stars.

Away We Go is a "shambling, rambling road movie."  Maya Rudolph is a great actress, and Jeff Daniels and Catherine O'Hara are fantastic as always.  It's quirky, funny, and light.  3 stars.

Neglected News
Kevin Federline has become a clam.  No word on when he started discussing religion with Tom Cruise.  Lindsay doesn't have boobs; she has lies!  Jon and Kate haven't had sex with Nate in over a year.  Sonnett doesn't like Gina, but Richie and Kerry like Sonnett. 

Gina's Sign-off
"Button haters!"


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radiofromhell
18 June 2009 @ 01:01 pm
RFH - 2009-06-18  
Episode #5199
Days until contract expiration: 287

Opening Song
"Mr. Jones" - Talking Heads

Sign-offs
  • "Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting."
  • "Never wear a backwards baseball cap to a job interview, unless your interviewing for the position of umpire."
Audition
Next Monday, Bill is sitting in for Doug Fabrizio on Radio West.  Kerry is pretty sure that's where Bill will end up after Doug is snatched up by Ira Glass and his cohorts at the National NPR studios.  Bill would rather not.  Bill enjoys being silly on occasion, and Radio West is way too serious.  He'd much rather just stick around with Kerry and Gina and do this little show.

Boners (brought to you by a plate of pasta)
1. "I Need My Bunnies":  Oregon authorities have once again arrested Miriam Sakewitz for possessing rabbits.  Ms. Sakewitz was arrested in 2007 after being found in possession of more than 250 rabbits, including more than 100 dead rabbits kept in freezers and refrigerators.  After the rabbits were confiscated, Ms. Sakewitz broke into the facility in which they were held and stole back most of the rabbits.  In than incident, Ms. Sakewitz was sentenced to five to seven years in prison and ordered to keep at least 100 yards from all rabbits.  On this past Tuesday, police found Ms. Sakewitz in possession of another eight rabbits, including one dead rabbit.

2. "Liberal Fly Killer":  During an interview with CNBC President Barack Obama (D) was tapped swatting a housefly dead.  PETA (the people for the ..........) sent Mr. Obama a bug catching device that would allow the president to capture the housefly and set it free.

3. "What a Scam!":  Last night, Bill Allred was sitting at home by himself.  As he did so, he noticed a woman walking away from and neighbor's house and approaching his own.  When he answered the door, the woman announced herself as "Melissa, Matt Houston's daughter.  Down on 1100?"  She claimed that she needed to contact 100 people, for school , in order to get a trip to Hawaii.  The woman handed Bill a flyer that looked like an advertisement for several magazines that Bill did not recognize.  The woman also appeared to be in her mid-thirties and wearing a great deal of perfume.  Suspicious, Bill asked what school "Melissa" attended.  She replied that she went to Utah State!  Bill then asked her in which city Utah State was located.  "It's...it's....It's in Uta........You're a jerk!  I'm gonna go get my dad right now!", and stomped away.

The folks at PETA are, once again, Boners of the Day.

Ask a Flaming Liberal
The folks what work at the ACLU aren't all flaming liberals.  In fact, some are quite conservative.  They all share, however, an opinion that the Bill of Rights is important and requires constant vigilance and defence.  A lot of what they do is taken care of behind the scenes with a phone call or a letter that educates certain authority figures that their actions are against the law.

Jeff Vice
Easy Virture, shows that Jessica Biel is not ready to star in a Noel Coward movie.

Outrage is a documentary about closeted homosexual politicians who have an anti-gay agenda.  It's really well done.  3 stars.

Tyson is a documentary about Mike Tyson by a man who nearly caused a lot of trouble for Radio From Hell.  It's fascinating, but the filmaker is a douche.  3 stars.  (Author's note:  Editorial content provided by the author and not Jeff Vice.)

Departures is a Japanese movie about men who take away dead bodies.  It's heavy and slow, but enjoyable for those folk that like that kind of movie.  3.5 stars.

Year One.  Jack Black plays Jack Black and Michael Cera plays Michael Cera.  Even the David Cross and Paul Rudd "Caine and Abel" scene is painfully unfunny.  Nothing but crass humor.  It's even worse than the latest Eddie Murphy movie.  1 star.

The Proposal stars Sandra Bullock as an unpleasant Canadian who is about to be deported.  She gets her assistant, who hates her, to marry her in order to stay in the country.  Also starring a filthy Betty White, it's actually funny and is a pain-free date movie.  3 stars.


Gina's Sign-off
"Cooo wHip."



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radiofromhell
04 June 2009 @ 01:17 pm
RFH - 2009-06-04  
Episode #5191
Days until contract expiration: 301

Sign-offs
  • An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!
  • I didn't say it was your fault.  I said I was going to blame it on you.
Hello?  Yeah?  What?
Drag Me To Hell is scary fun.  If your wife doesn't like Radio From Hell and is offended by *Boners* in the News, it's time to get a divorce.  A muffelata is a damned fine sammich.  Kerry's favorite MST3K is Manos, Hands of Fate.  Bill will have an LGBTQ.  Hold the mayo. 

Boners (brought to you by mashed potatoes and kielbasa)
1. "Don't You Know Who The Todd Is?"  Robert Maschio, who plays 'The Todd' on Scrubs, has been sued after allegedly engaging in a drunken attack during a Make-a-Wish fundraising event.  Mr. Maschio is accused of using another guest's necktie to choke the man and lift him partially off the ground. 

2. "Nobody's Ever Given Craig T. Nelson a Hand Up":  In an interview with Fox News' Glenn Beck, actor Craig T. Nelson was quoted as saying, "OK, I go into business, I don't make it, I go bankrupt. They're not going to bail me out.  I've been on food stamps and welfare. Anybody help me out? No. No."  Apparently neither Mr. Nelson nor Mr. Beck realize that food stamps and welfare are forms of government assistance.

3. "Kill the Freaks":  Radio scum, Rob, Arnie, and Dawn of KXRQ in Sacramento went on a vicious tirade against transgendered children, encouraging parents to "fix" the children with various forms of verbal abuse and shock therapy.  'Arnie' threatened his own son saying, "God forbid if my son put on a pair of high heels, I would probably hit him with one of my shoes."

The radio scum are Boners of the Day.

Ask a Video Game Designer
Aaron Connors is a game designer for Big Finish Game and their newest game, Three Cards to Midnight.  Three Cards to Midnight is a game for casual video gamers.  Three Cards to Midnight features big-busted women in tight sweaters.  Three Cards to Midnight was designed by people with talent AND experience, as opposed to some other games.  Three Cards to Midnight and other Big Finish Games are scored by a local composer.  Testing games, like Three Cards to Midnight, is a painful and tedious process.  Aaron Connors, designer of Three Cards to Midnight, is not related to Chuck Connors.

Jeff Vice
My Life in Ruins looks like a joke, and really is.  Nia Vardalos, of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, returns to Greece as a history and Greek specialist employed as a tour guide.  It's terrible.  1 star.

Lemon Tree is a film about ongoing Israeli and Palestinian tensions and a lemon-tree grove.  It's dull, dull, dull, my god, it's dull.  1.5 stars.

Land of the Lost should have been named to The Land of the Lost Opportunities or Land of the Lame.  Nothing but dinosaur poo or pee jokes.  Chaka likes boobie grabbin'.  Only Anna Friel of Pushing Daisies is tolerable.  2 stars.

The Hangover is the story of three men who lose the bachelor during a bachelor party.  In the wake of the party the three find a tiger in the bathroom, and a baby in the closet.  They then try to piece together the night before and find the bachelor before it's too late.  Very funny.  Ed Helms and Zach Galifinakais are brilliant.  3.5 stars

Celebrity Interview
Film-maker and author Guillermo del Toro doesn't understand David Carradine, nor Michael Hutchence and their particular means of thrill.  Mr. del Toro is more of a meat and potatoes guy.

Gina's Sign-off
"My uterus is too tired for log-rolling."



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radiofromhell
07 May 2009 @ 12:33 pm
RFH - 2009-05-07  

Episode #517
Days until contract expiration: 329

Opening Song
"Magic Chicken " - The Aquabats

Sign-off
"It's not my fault I don't listen when you talk."

Eye See You
Bill had to pay a visit to a specialized eye doctor yesterday.  He's been having trouble with dry eyes and eye infections that just won't go away.  The doctor performed a "tear duct irrigation", in which he used a syringe-like device to inject fluid into Bill's tear ducts.  It wasn't particularly painful, but was unpleasant and strange.  Bill could actually feel the liquid squirting him in the back of the throat.  The doctor thinks that Bill's problems stem from his saggy eye-lids.  They roll open as he sleeps, exposing Bill's eyes to dust, his pillow, and all other manner of ailments.  He's having surgery in June to permanently fix them.

Boners
1. "Hey!  Prisoner!  Where'd Ya Get That Shirt?":  After nearly causing an automobile accident whilst on his bike, a California man was arrested and charged with stealing a prisoner t-shirt from the local jail.  He was arrested the previous week for child abuse and possession, but managed to conceal the shirt when he was released.

2. "Got in Himmel!  Keep Your Greetings Down!":  An 82-year-old German man called police to complain that his neighbors were continually playing the same song, over and over, in order to annoy him.  When police arrived they discovered that the source of the music was an electronic greeting card set up on his window sill.  The breeze from the open window would open the card slightly, causing it to play its musical payload.

3. "No Car Thieves in Here.  Only Ladies":  When police pursued three men spotted in a stolen pick-up truck, the trio fled into a small office building.  Inside the building, two of the men were found crouched up on toilets in the ladies room.  The men tried to use falsetto voices to fool the police into thinking that they were women using the restroom.  The authorities were not fooled and the two were arrested.

The German man and his musical greeting card are Boners of the Day.


Ask a Superhero
Citizen Prime is a costumed hero right here in Salt Lake city.  He chooses his weapons and gear appropriate for the venue.  This morning, he thought a stun gun, a phone, and his business cards would keep Kerry, Bill, and Gina in line.  Mr. Prime is married, has one child, and one on the way.  His wife is supportive of his heroic activities.  Mr. Prime is not looking to collar criminals, but looks to engage and inspire people.  He particularly enjoys participating in "Kid Heroes" at local schools.  You can contact Citizen Prime @ prime@citizenheroes.com.

Jeff Vice
Love and Dancing is terrible.  If you cut out all of the plot and nonsense, you'd have a pretty good 30 minute dance movie.  Billy Zane acts as if he is intentionally sabotaging the movie. 1.5 stars.

Paris 36.  2 stars.

In a Dream is a documentary about a Philadelphia-based mosaic artist with a history of mental illness and family dysfunction.  If you like art, you'll appreciate the movie.  2 stars.

Is Anybody There wouldn't work if it wasn't for the talents of Michael Caine. 3 stars

Star Trek.  See it.  Yes, the Trekkie Taliban will be upset and won't enjoy it.  They can stay home.  Otherwise, real fans will love the references to "Balance of Terror" and "Space Seed" along with great action sequences and dramatic scenes.  Mrs. Bill (who once wrote a song about Captain Kirk) particularly enjoyed the use of Captain Christopher Pike in the movie.  Kerry gives it 4 and claims it is the best Trek movie ever made.  Jeff was slightly less enthused with the weakness of thevillain and gives it a solid 3.5 stars.

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radiofromhell
30 April 2009 @ 01:24 pm
RFH - 2009-04-30  
Episode #5167
Days until contract expiration: 336

Opening Song
"One More Time" - Goldfinger

Sign-off
  • "I have kleptomania.  When it gets bad, I take something for it."

Boners (brought to you by lemon clam spaghetti)
1. "How Much For The Little Girl?":  A couple from Wisconsin have been charged with selling their baby to a woman from Missouri.  The couple gave birth in 2004 and attempted to authorize the hospital to release the baby to the Missouri woman, who was supposed to be a surrogate mother.  The hospital refused, but staff later saw the couple handing the baby over to the other woman.

2. "Swine Flu?  You Guys are So Crazy":  Two-hundred and seventeen passengers were detained for more than an hour when the flight crew reported that they suspected two passengers experiencing nausea and fever of having the swine flu.  The flight was returning to Baltimore, MD from Cancun, Mexico.  The two passengers were isolated and examined and it was determined that they were simply intoxicated.

3. "They Did Not Kill Him Because He Was Gay":  In a floor speech debating a federal hate crimes bill, Virginia Foxx, an ignorant bigot and Republican representative from North Carolina, decried as a hoax the 1998 lynching of Matthew Shepard.  Ms. Foxx claims that the vicious and fatal beating was due to a botched robbery and not a targeted anti-homosexual hate-crime.

Ms. Virginia Foxx is Boner of the Day.

At Least it Wasn't His Keys
Richie is constantly losing his wallet.  He has trouble with his back, so he always removes his wallet from his back pocket before sitting down.  Last night he sat down to watch Gilligan's Island Minus Gilligan.  Apparently, Richie became so excited by this greatest of episodes that he accidentally kicked his wallet under his chair.

Ask a Car Salesman
Gabe is a car salesman.  He does all the car salesman things.  "What can I do to put you in this car today?"  "I have to talk to my manager."  If you ask, he'll give you his non-negotiable price or his negotiable price.  Be informed and don't bring your kids.

Jeff Vice
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is a non-Xmas version of A Christmas Carol.  Instead of being a miser, Mr. McConaughey is a womanizer.  The movie is terrible.  The only, ONLY watchable moment is after Michael Douglas appears as the ghost of Mr. McConaughey's bigoted uncle.  Mr. McConaughey has no range and cannot act.  For a fun drinking game, take a drink every time Mr. McConaughey says, "Alright."  1.5 stars.

Battle for Terra.  Looks awful.  Is awful.  It's the worst episode, thus far, of Star Wars: The Clone Wars.  It's an environmentally aware rip-off of every other sci-fi movie and series.  1.5 stars, but it's still better than Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

Twelve is a Russian version of 12 Angry Men.  It took a 100 minute movie and expanded it to 153 minutes.  It didn't make it better, only longer. 2 stars.

Wolverine is the best movie this week by default.  It's not terrible.  It's not great.  Huge Jackman is ripped and impressive looking, but there are too many characters that are never developed.  The first half of the movie is pretty good, explaining how the title character obtains his signature metal skeleton.  After that, the movie just attempts to hit the reset button on the X-men franchise.  2.5 stars

Are you a bear?
In the movie, Wolverine, the audience learns that going to bed with Wolverine can be dangerous:

Kerry:  Apparently it's dangerous to go to bed with Wolverine, just so you know.
Gina:  Well, so, did they replace...?
Bill:  It's dangerous to go to bed with any man.  Did you want to know something about his exoskeleton?
Gina:  Well, I guess it's cartilage, so they didn't replace *that*.
Kerry:  No.
Jeff:  Did they replace his nose?
Bill:  Cartilage?
Kerry:  There's no cartilage.
Bill:  There's no cartilage. 
Gina:  No?  It's a....a...
Bill:  It's just flesh and muscle and blood.
Kerry:  Yeah.
Bill:  There's no cartilage....unless you're a bear.  I think some bears and animals have that, [and] Whales.
Kerry:  God, Gina!  'Whalevorine'; that's not it!
Bill:  I don't know who they hell you've been sleeping with!
Kerry:  Jeez...  Is it an Egyptian thing?


Radio Bet
Gina and Bill made a radio bet.  Gina saw a picture of Gul du Kim Cardassian as a blonde, and liked it.  She wondered how she might look with a similar hair color and put the question on her blog and FaceBook page.  Bill responded to Gina's blog, "Do it.  Don't be a puss.  I dare you."  Gina was dared.  If she shows up tomorrow with blond hair, Bill has to dye his hair a dark brunette.  Bill believes that all of this is idle chatter and Gina will puss-out.

Gina's Sign-off
"I'm doin' it."
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radiofromhell
23 April 2009 @ 01:12 pm
RFH - 2009-04-23  
Episode #5162
Days until contract expiration: 343

Sign-offs
"I'm an acquired taste.  If you don't like me, acquire some taste."
"Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, when's it all going to end?"

Canaries in the Coal Mine
That horrible bitch, Dr. Laura, actually mentioned X96 on her nationally syndicated and useless radio show.  Apparently she is moved that one station manager, G. Craig Hansen, could be so moral and upstanding as to refuse an advertisement from the Ashley Madison dating service.  Apparently the service offers anonymity and pairing to married people who would like to cheat on their spouses.  Dr. Laura didn't mention that it was Kerry, Bill, and Gina who warned their bosses that the advertisement might be offensive to their listeners.  Kerry, who runs in seedier circles had heard of the agency before.  He told Bill and Gina, who told Richie, who told Todd, who told Mr. Hansen. 

After saluting KXRK, Dr. Laura went on to tell an Iraq war veteran, who was haunted by some of the things that he had to do in the service of his country, to buck up!  He shouldn't feel bad all.  It's not like he was killing people; he was killing terrorists.


Boners (brought to you by broccoli)
1. "It Looked Like an Appendix to Me ":  A surgeon in Minnesota had to perform two appendectomies on the same patient.  The surgeon realized that he had not removed the appendix, but rather a piece of fatty tissue after a pathologist informed him that the tissue was not an appendix.  The second surgery was performed after the swollen appendix had already burst, requiring an emergency surgery two days later.

2. "Baby Shaker.  No, No, No":  After public outcry, Apple has removed the controversial "Baby Shaker" iPhone application from it's iTunes application store.  The application features the image and sounds of a crying baby and allows the user to repeatedly shake it.  All iPhone applications must go through a rigorous screening process before being approved.

3. "You Got My DNA From a Hunk of Chaw!?:  Police were able to identify the burglars of a local bar from the DNA extracted from chewing tobacco spit. 

The surgeon is Boner of the Day.


Ask a Financial Smarty Pants
Rex Rollo is the CFO of America First Credit Union.  Gifts are tax free.  Inheritance is taxed.  Give away your money before you die.  Save your surplus X-Amounts of Cash, or take your favorite radio show out for dinner and drinks.  The Ritz Carlton in Maui has the best Mai Tai's in Hawai'i.  Financial counseling and debt counseling are often offered free from your financial institution.

Jeff Vice
Disney's Earth is amazing.  Much of the footage was culled from extra footage filmed for the Planet Earth mini-series. James Earl Jones narrates.  4 stars.

Fighting, staring unapologetic wife-beater Terrance Howard, was not screened.

Obsessed not screened.

The Soloist was screened, but the film screwed up.  The first 20 minutes was three-stars.

The Informers stars Billy Bob Thornton, Winona Rider, Kim Bassinger, and Micky Rourke.  It is a giant, steaming turd.  0 stars.

Gigantic stars Zoey Dechanel, Zack Galifinakis, Ed Asner, and John Goodman.  A great cast, but bad execution.  1.5 stars.

Delightful Water Universe features a local cast, including Bill Allred and Richie T. Steadman.  A post-apocalyptic drama depicting the Bush administration's eight years.  Features Mr. Allred in a comical sex scene, complete with reverse spooning.  It's a Trent Harris movie.  2 stars.

Hunger is a dramatization of the 1981 hunger-strike in the Maze Prison in Ireland.  It's disturbingly vivid, including vicious prison beatings and "enhanced interrogation techniques."  3.5 stars.



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radiofromhell
09 April 2009 @ 01:12 pm
RFH - 2009-04-09  
Episode #5152
Days until contract expiration: 357

Opening Song
"Roots Radicals" - Rancid

Sign-offs
  • "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
  • "I'm gonna live forever or die trying."

Sweet Dreams
Last night, Bill had a disturbing dream about Richie.  Richie was upset and complaining that, "I just can't do it anymore."  Bill got pissed and yelled, "Then quit!" then told Richie that he could consider himself fired.  Then Bill found himself wondering if Richie ever got tired of being so nice and being taken advantage of - like in his recent drunken girl vomit story.  Richie gets asked to do all kinds of things because people know he'll do it and won't say, "No."  It does get a little wearing on Richie.  About every four to six months Richie has to climb over and hide behind his wall for a bit. 


Cult of Personality
Gina wishes that they hadn't done the TV yesterday; she looked as if she weighed 500lbs.  Bill comforted Gina, informing her that the camera visually adds at least 10lbs. of weight.

Bryan Woolley, the chef of KUTV, apparently does not know the difference between chicken fried steak and chicken fried chicken.  The first, is mad with steak, the latter is made with chicken.  Mr. Woolley made chicken fried chicken, but repeatedly referred to it as chicken fried chicken.  Unfortunately, Gina ruined the show.  She was in charge of breading the flattened chicken breasts and Bill was in charge of frying them.  Gina put way, way too much flour on the meat, which burnt in the pan.  Gina tried to pass the mistake off on Bill as he should have noticed the extra breading and knocked it off.  Bill's only mistake was letting Gina help cook.



Boners (brought to you by a pot-sticker salad)
1. "I Love Tofu":  The Colorado DMV has rejected a request from a vegan who wished to evangelize her love of tofu with her vanity license plate.  Officials of the DMV claimed that "ILVTOFU" could be misinterpreted as something offensive.

2. "I Didn't Get No Extra Shrimp in There":  A Texas woman called 911 when she didn't get as much shrimp in her order of fried rice as she felt was deserved.  The restaurant refused to issue a refund to the woman, who left before police arrived.

3. "Fart Again and I'll Stab Ya!":  A Waco man was stabbed in a motel room whilst eating with a friend when he refused to control his flatulence.  The "friend" warned the man to stop expelling his flatus.  When he did not, his associate threw a kitchen knife at him, then stabbed him in the chest for good measure.  Jose Ramirez was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.  The victim is expected to recover.

The fart-stabber is Boner of the Day.


Ask an Exotic Animal Handler
Gina clucked and chickened out of this particular interview.  The snake wrapped around Bill's neck and staring was too much for her.  Bill's new accessory was an eight-foot long, 40lbs., albino Burmese python.  "Whitey" eats rabbits and large rats about once per week.  Snakes really don't have personalities.  They have more of their only behavioral traits and conditioned reactions.  If you lose a snake, look for warm places - behind the fridge, heater vents, or around dryer vents.  In some countries, pythons are still hunted for food and leather.

Tarantulas can't kill you.  They can bite you and cause very, very, very painful wounds.  Most of the tarantulas in Utah are actually pretty docile and you're allowed to keep them as a pet - but make sure you know the time and effort it will take to keep it.  Tarantulas also kick off the hairs of their abdomen, which can be irritating to the eyes and nose.

http://www.creatureencountersinc.com


Jeff Vice
The Cake Eaters is a quirky movie about a quirky Kristen Stewart who has a quirky problem and hangs out with Bruce Dern's quirky nose hair.  2 stars.

Everlasting Moments is aptly named.  131 minutes of Swedish family dysfunction. 

Hannah Montana.  Jeff is not a 12-year-old girl.  As such, he wanted to claw his eyes out.  If he were a 12-year-old girl and a fan of crappy country music, this movie would probably suit him just fine.  Be warned, there is a "hoe down", which apparently results in some kind of abortion-based sub-plot.  2 stars (1 for Jeff, 3 for 12-year-old girls).

Observe and Report.  The anti-Paul Blart.  It's an uncomfortable movie, but Seth Rogen isn't the lovable goof-ball that he normally is.  In fact, the audience can't decide whether to root for him or root for his swift demise.  Anna Farris is very funny, and Ray Liotta is getting out of his shell and acting as a hard, no-nonsense cop.  A disappointed 2 stars.


Neglected News
90210 smells like a litter box.  Jumpym Tambermann is massaged by a heavy-ham fisted woman.  Jesus is not alright with Madrona.  Now she likes polo.  Bill's children will not be recieving peeps or Easter baskets of any kind.  Gina's children, on the other hand, will be eating chocolate eggs, peeps, and watching the Easter story on TV.  Kerry was confused - which Easter story?  The story about Jebus coming back.  For Easter, Richie is sending two well-dressed young men to Kerry's house with a video to explain the whole story.  That's fine with Kerry.  He can just lift drops off the video tape.  Kerry isn't really anti-religion.  Religion just seems like it would take too much time, and is way too open for interpretation.  There just aren't any burning bushes around to tell Kerry exactly what God is thinking.  Bill doesn't know much about the burning bush, but he does have some ointment to treat it.

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radiofromhell
26 March 2009 @ 12:54 pm
RFH - 2009-03-26  

Episode #5142
Days until contract expiration: 371

Opening Song
"Something is Squeezing My Skull" - Morrissey

Sign-offs
  • "Why hasn't the high cost of living affected it's popularity?"
  • "Never put off until tomorrow what you could do the day after."

The Sock List
Richie is on Bill's sock list.  After expressly telling Richie not to do so, Richie still placed a new t-shirt on X-Market that read, "radio from hell gives me a boner."  Kerry and Bill both agreed that the message was too infantile and should not represent the show.  Richie didn't care, created the t-shirt, then blogged that people should rapidly purchase it before RFH made him remove it.  It seems, however, that there's no accounting for taste and the shirt has become X-Market's best seller.  As Gina said, one can't argue with sales.  That same argument always seems to fail for Bill's meth dealer.

Boners (brought to you by Mrs. Bill's enchiladas)
1. "Let's Talk":  A woman seeking to reconcile with her husband handcuffed herself to him and then, when he called for help, began biting him on his arms and torso.

2. "She Doesn't Love Me.  She Doesn't Love You":  A West Valley man has been charged felony torture of an animal after viciously beating his girlfriends puppy and recording it onto her voice mail.  The dog was in critical condition, but is doing better and is expected to survive.

3. "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them":  In a letter to the editor of Rolling Stone magazine, supposed Park City resident, Kit Nelson, complained that theaters in Park City were prevented from playing the movie Milk by "the church."  Mr. Nelson lamented that he would have to leave Utah in order to see the movie.  To put it mildly, Kit Nelson is incorrect.  The movie has been screened in Park City, is playing 20 minutes from Park City at The Broadway Theater, and is available for rental on DVD.

The puppy beating @*()#&%*@##*$&@#(*& is Boner of the Day.

Ask a Belly Dancer
Belly Dancers Amanda, Natalie, and Meg began dancing for different reasons.  It's a low impact exercise, it's fun, and there are sparkly outfits.  There is no reliable history to belly dancing.  According to an informal studio survey, only one in three belly dancers are loose women.  It is probably the same ratio with ballerinas.  You can see them dancing at Mazza, at 9th and 9th, this weekend.  Dinner and dancing is only $40.

Jeff Vice
Harvard Beats Yale is a boring, boring, boring documentary.  It has Tommy Lee Jones, but he has no interest in the interview.  2 stars.

Sunshine Cleaning has a great cast, but is sort of a mess.  The acting is great, but the tone and story are inconsistent.  2.5 stars.

Gomorrah is a film, with subtitles, based on an in depth book about the Italian mafia in Italy.  It's really interesting but will require the viewer to really pay attention.  3 stars.

Monsters vs. Aliens has a great cast and great characters.  It also appropriately pays homage to horror movies of the past including Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, The Creature from The Black Lagoon, and The Blob.   3 stars.


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