Episode #5202
Days until contract expiration: 282

Opening Song
"Uncontrollable Urge" - Devo

Happy Facebook Day
On Sunday, Gina attempted to call Daddy Gary to wish him a Happy Father's Day.  Daddy Gary and The Sainted Mary Claire were in Colorado Springs at the Ritz Carlton hotel.  Mary Claire informed Gina that she didn't have to talk to Daddy Gary because he had already written on her Facebook wall.  Gee.  Thanks.

Gina has never stayed at a Ritz Carlton.  Kerry did, at Gina's wedding in Maui.  It's definitely a nice hotel.  When Kerry called down for a copy of the TV Guide, they brought him four copies, since each had a different Star Trek collector's cover.  When he tried to tell the attendant that he only needed one, the attendant insisted that he keep all four.

Boners (brought to you by a heapin' helpin' of Italian food)
1. "And in Other News, My Co-Anchor is a Dick":  An anchor woman at a television station in Wisconsin had been receiving harassing e-mails for more than a year.  When she finally searched the name of the person signing the derogatory e-mails, she found that the name belonged to a registered sex offender.  Worred, she called police who subpoenaed the IP address of the e-mailer.  It was not the sex offender in question, but rather the woman's co-anchor, Zach Brown.  Ms. Dupont filed for a restraining order, but it may not be necessary as Mr. Brown's name has been scrubbed from the WXOW website.

2. "Well, How Else Ya Gonna Get A Bullet Out?"  A man attempting to remove a jammed .22 rifle bullet with a screwdriver, accidentally shot himself in the shoulder.

3. "I Was Feeling Damp.":  After a bout of heavy drinking, New Zealander Dave Chatelin went to change his clothes.  Having removed all of his clothes, Mr. Chatelin was searching for a new pair of underpants in the clothes dryer, when his head, arms, and shoulders became lodged in the opening. Attempting to free himself, Mr. Chatelin pulled the dryer over on himself.  He then called for help, brining his mates, who managed to get him upright again.  Finally, the fire brigade was called, and were finally able to free him from the dryer.

The naked dryer-fighter is Boner of the Day.

Dog Days
Over their vacation next week, Sue and Kerry are going to tour the ruins in San Francisco.  When they return, they are going to get another dog.  A young dog to keep Artie energetic as he ages.  Artie is named after the producer from The Larry Sanders Show.  Keeping with the theme, Kerry wanted to name the new dog, 'Larry.'  Sue vetoed that immediately.  The problem?  Kerry used to own two cats, 'The Amazing Larry' and 'Larry's Friend Owen.'  Sue is fine with reusing pet names, but you can't name a dog after a cat.  Richie suggested that perhaps he could name the new dog, "Hat's off to Larry" instead. 

Why Is Mom Grunting?
Gina will spend her vacation in Oregon, camping near the beach.  It's a big, week long camping trip.  Kerry and Bill aren't sure Gina will make it; she can't go a week without pooping.  Gina's not worried.  She'll just wait until the family is all out at the beach, then make and excuse to go back to the trailer for her constitutional.  That's not a good idea.  What if one of the family decides to come back whilst she's busy?  She needs to make sure that everyone knows what she's doing so they won't bother her.  Use some kind of euphemism like, "I've got a project to work on," or, "I'm dropping the kids off at the pool.  Otherwise, they'll come into the trailer and have to ask an aghast Joe, "Why is Mommy grunting in there?"

Unforgettable Quote
"I've got to drop Vern Troyer off at the pool." - Bill Allred

Episode #5174
Days until contract expiration: 325

Opening Song
"Robots" - Flight of the Conchords

Sign-offs

• "Excuse me... I just wanted to ask a question. What does God need with a starship?"
• "Please, sir, not in front of the Klingons."

Comedy Trouble
On Friday, Radio From Hell interviewed stand-up comedian Jamie Kennedy and his girlfriend, Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Mr. Kennedy was performing four shows in Salt Lake City.  Richie was supposed to take them on a tour of Salt Lake city on Saturday afternoon, but they never called him back.  This morning, Gina ran into the owner of the comedy club and asked how the shows went.  Um.... eeehhh..  Mr. Kennedy and Ms. Hewitt were fine, but Ms. Hewitt's mother was high maintenance .  She's the kind of woman who travels everywhere with her daughter and always takes her little dog along with her.  Also, she needs copious amounts of vodka or, failing that, Bud Light.

Boners (brought to you by Unka Todd's carnitas)
1. "I Don't Like Broccoli"  A TGI Friday's restaurant in New York has opened an investigation into an incident in which a severed snake head was found in a side of broccoli by a restaurant patron.  Scientists analyzed the head and found that it hadn't been cooked, so authorities are focusing on the kitchen staff.

2. "Terrorism.  What Would You Do?":  A Colorado school has come under fire after a history teacher assigned students to spend two minutes to come up with a plot for an act of terrorism.  In response to the criticism, the school collected the assignments and destroyed them.

3. "I Hope I Win the Raffle ":  The shoplifter of a Liquor Store in Connecticut was caught after filling out a ticket for a raffle.  The thief had one bottle already in his pocket when he stopped by the counter to fill out a raffle ticket.  He then snatched two other bottles and made for the exit.  The clerk let him go and simply removed the only ticket from the entry box.  Police found the thief at the address indicated on the ticket.

The school of terrorism is Boner of the Day.

A Shared Experience
In reference to Boner Candidate #1, Gina related a story from her waitress days at The J.B.'s.  She once had a customer claim that she put a grasshopper in a glass of iced tea.  Bill once found a piece of string in a chili burger he ordered.  He wasn't too horrified by the first little piece, but then there was another longer piece of string.  He pointed it out to the manager and was promptly kicked out of the restaurant.  If Bill had been the man he is today instead of a high school student, things would have gone much differently.  Kerry once found a cigarette butt in his mooshu .  He pointed it out, but the waiter wasn't bothered by it.  Finally he offered Kerry 1/2 price off his own meal.  Kerry informed the waiter that he would not be paying for anything.

Unforgettable Quote
"Isn't that something?  Well, I'll be darned." - Bill Allred

Changes
Bill is no longer drinking in public.  He doesn't like people to see him crying.  He even waits until the children are in bed before he takes one look at the bottle of gin and descends into tearful wailing.

Bill Frost
The season finale of Big Bang Theory.  House is done for the season.  He'll be sure to nearly kill his patient before curing his oldism.  Castle is probably gone for good.  Riki Lake does some skank wranglin' on the new season of Charm school.  Fringe is like the X-Files with prettier people.  Lie to Me is not the mentalist.  Ben will have his face beat in on the two hour finale of Lost.  Grey's Anatomy also should be beaten in the face.  My Name is Earl is still on.  Numb3rs takes on some math terrorists.  MadTV is over forever.  New Squidbillies on Sunday.

Artie's Friend
Kerry and Sue are shopping for a new friend for Artie.  Citing their requirements of a low-maintenance dog for the elderly, they believe they've settled either on a Pug or a French Bulldog.  Bill disagreed with Kerry's choice on the pug.  Bill's daughter purchased a pug and that dog is not low-maintenance.  Kerry countered with the claim that the dog is adaptable to the environment it was in.  Gina disagreed with the choice of a French Bulldog.  It's unnatural for a pet to be so over-bred and engineered that they can't have sex and can't give birth naturally.  It's a good thing that Kerry brought his dog issues to the show for a floor vote.

Gina's Sign-off
"Boobs for decency."

RFH - 2009-03-24

Episode #5140
Days until contract expiration: 373

Sign-offs

• "I've said it before; equations are the devil's sentences."

• "Giving a fly eye-glasses is like giving a bear nunchucks."

The Sainted One
The Sainted Mary Claire has told Gina that she was anxious to be Bill's FaceBook friend.  Bill indicated that The Sainted Mary Claire must only ask to be his friend.  When Bill clicked to accept Mary Claire's invitation, it indicated that they would be friends as soon as Mary Claire made the final approval of the friendship.  Like everyone, Bill is required to jump through hoops for Mary Claire's affection.

Boners (brought to you by cashew chicken)
1. "Don't You Know Who I Am?":  F.O.P Jamie, who owns the store Trendsetters in Salt Lake City, advertises on X96 as well as another radio station.  The female "talent" on the other station agreed to do some live ads in exchange for in-store credits at Trendsetters.  In December, the radio personality came in and got a shirt, settling the account - or so Jamie thought.  She returned on March 21st and sought to return the shirt because it had two holes in the sides of the shirt from the tags.  Jamie thoughtfully demonstrated on an identical shirt that the tags were not on the side of the shirt, but up in the neckline of the shirt.  If nothing else, it had obviously been worn and laundered for at least three moths.  Still, the "googly eyed troll" insisted saying, "I'm no ordinary customer."

2. "Dirty Little Skate Rats":  Lewis Smith set a skateboard ramp on fire because they owners refused to keep it out of the road.

3. "No Fartin' in Lakeland":  A school-bus driver in Lakeland, FL suspended a student from the bus for three days because he was allegedly passing gas in an effort to make other students laugh.  The driver felt that the stench was so bad it was difficult to breathe.  This action comes on the heels of a November incident in which a student was arrested for farting whilst in class.

The "googly-eyed troll" is Boner of the Day.

The Asian Flush
Yesterday, Kerry related that his wife, Sue, occasionally gets "splotchy" when she drinks too much.  Kerry's friend Scott turned purple when he drank too much.  Not Bill.  He just throws up on to his shoes.

Neglected News
Jebus didn't go with Madrona to the Bru Swillis Sweating.  Sack Effrin will not be in the remake of Footloose.  Instead he'll be insulting the Indian people as Johnny Quest.

Don't Take Artie to Lakeland
Kerry's dog, Artie, has been having some trouble with dry skin and a dry coat.  Kerry changed up his food to one that contained more fatty oils that help condition the skin.  The problem with that, however, is that Artie has a tendency to gain weight.  As a compromise, Kerry is now mixing the good food with a diet food.  The penalty, however, for changing a dog's food is an unbelievably gassy dog.  Artie has now become "Artie Fartie", the dog with the horrendous gas.  This caused Bill to think; maybe he needs to stay on a more consistent diet for the sake of Mrs. Bill?

Gina's Sign-off
"Pound cake."