Episode #5003
Days until contract expiration: 591

Fresh and Fruity
In celebration of their 5000th episode, Radio From Hell is broadcasting from San Diego.  They are staying in some very nice condos located close to the beach.  Gina is pretty sure that her condo is owned by a gay man.  It's 'fabulous!'  Everything is very tasteful.  Cherry wood cabinets, mirrors, massage chairs, and a memory foam mattress.  Gina wasn't sure that she would like the foam mattress, but she had a great night of sleep.  As the foam has a memory, Kerry can only assume that Gina spent the night sleeping in a gay man's crevice.

The owners of Gina's condo must have known she was coming; some of the artwork showed men on camels, alluding to Gina's attraction to the dark men of the middle east.  Oh.  Bill thought they were just aware of the unmentioned picture of Gina from the past.

Bullsock.
If the World Famous seafood restaurant at 711 Pacific Beach Drive in San Diego, California is, in fact, world famous, it should be for the crappy food served poorly at exorbitant prices.  First of all, Kerry, Bill, Gina, and Richie had to wait for more than an hour for their food.  Bill's $21 plate of seabass would have been O.K, if it had cost $10 from a cart on the side of the road.  Kerry's $19 mahi mahi was squishy, and soggy, with an unpalatable sauce made from some rehydrated packet. Thou's $10 jumbo prawn appetizer was small and unsatisfying.  Richie's dinner resulted in his keeping the hosts at a local Ralph's supermarket for another hour whilst he used the facilities.  Apparently eating fast makes Richie's tummy hurt.  He had to go 'poop.'  'Poop.'  Hehe...  'Poop.'  The World Famous restaurant was a butt.

Boners (brought to you by crappy seafood and a long wait from The World Famous seafood restaurant at 711 Pacific Beach Drive in San Diego, California)
1. "I Thought He Was Asleep":  A 42-year-old Trenton woman killed her live-in boyfriend and left him in the bathtub for at least 10-days before alerting police.

2. "Momma Needs a Drink":  The mother of a 12-year-old girl was arrested after the girl crashed a car into a home and later told police that she had just dropped off her mother at a local bar.

3. "Jesus Would Vote For Me":  In a race against Jason Chaffetz, a Republican candidate who considers it a good idea to round up immigrants and their familes, placing them in desert "tent cities", Democratic candidate Spencer Bennion still managed to sound ridiculous.  Mr. Bennion claimed that Jesus would vote for him and against President Bush's permanent tax cuts.
 
Spencer Bennion is Boner of the Day.

Daddy Drinks Because I Cry
Mommy and Daddy were fighting this morning.  Gina kept referring to the location of their condos as "on the beach."  Bill felt that this was inaccurate as the condos were not directly adjacent to the sand of the beach....There was a parking lot and sidewalk between the condos and the sand.  Gina still maintained that it was "on the beach."  No.  No.  No.  No!  If Bill were to jump out the window right there, he would not land on the sand.  Kerry, tired of Bill's world-usage-douchebaggery, suggested that he try it.  Maybe he could get a running start and bounce off the memory foam mattress.

Butt-Washer
Gina's condo also had a fancy toilet - with a built in bidet.  Gina has had previous experience with a bidet (see here), but that was a hand-held and external device.  Gina was nervous to try it.  Not Bill!  He's always wanted to try one.  After some tampering, the toilet finally came to life.  The seat was even heated, which Bill found somewhat uncomfortable.  Bill likes to spend some quality time on the receptacle, and the seat would become much, much too warm. 

Bill finally engaged the "rear washing."  As a novice, he used the "oscilating" setting instead of the "pulsating."  Bill found the sensation nice, but unbeliveably strange and unnatural.  It reminded him of his years in scout camp.  The "front washing" doesn't seem to be configured for Bill's particular anatomy.  Unfortunately the drying blower didn't quite finish the job.  Bill wasn't sure that such a thing was for him.  Gina was done with this segment.  She wanted to go to the beach.  Do they have a butt-washer at the beach?  Sure.  His name is Phil Macracken.  Oh......Oh.......Kerry.....no.....

The Radio From Hell 5000th Week
By Guest Blogger, Tom Martinez

Episode #5001
Days until contract expiration: 594

Opening Song
“Pressure Drop” - The Specials (Official Radio From Hell Song)
http://www.thespecials.com/

Sign-offs

• “According to my best recollection…I don’t remember.”
• “Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?”
  

Wasted From The Party Last Night...
What a day, that was! Everyone was over at Squatters and there was much celebration until late into the evening. Ritchie T is still riding a wave of adrenaline, which will some result in him either falling to sleep on his way to San Diego, or checking into the Tired Hospital. He even lined up a bunch of people to visit, including…Kyle Brown?! Bill never agreed to this! Show him where he agreed to see Kyle in Writing!!

Also last night, Ritchie had a slide show to present, but it wasn’t dark enough at the dinner, so he improvised on the spot: He serenaded Kerry, Bill, and Gina, with Neil Diamond songs and something from JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT. So sweet, and it’s as close to live theater as Kerry will EVER get.

Do You Remember…?
Ritchie has been bringing in guests to the studio, among them is former DJ Bob Bedore. He used to work at the old KJQ and KCGL, and work there for years until he was fired for changing the ad cards for his play(?!). Nowadays he keeps active, even working at QuickWits downtown. Check it out at:

http://quickwitscomedy.com

Our Son Kyle
Yes, the little albino boy trying to make his way in the world, stopped by the studios today to say thanks! It wasn’t that long ago Kyle came into the old KJQ studios claiming to suck Jell-O through his nose (he still can’t). And even through 18 maladjusted years of his life in the crapper, Kyle still has the unnerving ability (even after a stint in the Learning Box) to just leave Kerry, Bill & Gina on edge as to what he’s going to do next on-air. After 5,000 episodes, Kyle knows that the blame for all this rests squarely on his “dads.”

Boner of the Day (Brought to you by an excellent 5,000 buffet dinner at Squatters & the new Fifth Elemental Ale)
1.) I Got Your Vitals & You’re Gonna Die, or You Owe Me Some Weed!: Two brothers and their father are accused of beating and stabbing a man who says he performed work for the family in exchange for marijuana. In charges filed Tuesday, police wrote that the man, his brother and a friend went to the family's Salt Lake City home near 300 East and Redondo Avenue (1996 South) to collect the "payment" Feb. 22. The visitors began arguing with the father, so one of his sons sprayed two "warning shots" of mace into the room, police wrote.

2.) Here, Honey! Here’s Your Weed: Two men and a woman are behind bars after they allegedly smoked marijuana with a minor. American Fork police responded to a call reporting a marijuana smell coming from a motor home in an area RV campground. Police found that three adults - ages 18, 19 and 22 - had been smoking pot and sharing it with the 12-year-old, whom they were baby-sitting while his mother was out of town. Sgt. Gregg Ludlow of the American Fork Police Department said the adults had passed the pipe to the child, who smoked it. The three were booked into Utah County jail on suspicion of possession of marijuana and child endangerment.

3.) Oh Dear! Where My Car?: Proving the adage that no good deed goes unpunished: British police say a doctor's car was stolen after she rushed out to help an elderly crash victim. According to police, the doctor left her car key in the ignition when she hurried to the aid of a pedestrian who was hit by a bus in the English city of Manchester.

Boner #2 is your winner

Ask A Burlesque Dancer
Founder Lorrie Ann & Mona Moore, the performers of the Slippery Kittens Burlesque group. Burlesque is a theatrical strip tease, where the emphasis is how you remove the clothes onstage, not how fast you remove. Burlesque dancers are not nude…they’re more bikini-esque. The Kittens do this more as a hobby & sometimes there’s money. They buy all their own costumes & they cost! Sometimes they dance to kitschy music, sometimes to AC/DC. All choreography is collaborative, everyone has a diverse dancing background. No aggressive fans (please keep it that way). Really getting more notice on America’s Got Talent & now in the Top 40 of performers. They have a show this Saturday @ Bar Deluxe (private club for members) & will be on America’s Got Talent either August 26-27 or Sept. 1-2. Check the Kittens out at: http://slipperykittens.com/

Jeff Vice & Sean Means (dual Film Crickets)
Tropic Thunder: A Good Idea that wasn’t executed right. Jeff prefers his satire to be subtle, not bludgeoned over the head. And it kept going and going and … (**) Jeff Vice, (***) Sean Means

Mirrors (or Meers, if you’re from UT): Not Screened for critics = death kiss (Keifer, noooooo!)

Fly Me to the Moon: badly animated show about flies in space. Not even Walken’s voice can save this! (* ½) JV, (*) SM

Star Wars: Clone Wars: the CGI Animation sucks & the new Anakin voice actor is another Mannequin. (*) JV, (1/2 *) SM

Vicki Cristina Barcelona: Awesome performances by Penelope Cruz & Javier Bardem, friend-o. But Scarlett’s uninteresting.

Henry Poole Is Here: Luke Wilson’s Somewhat Sundance Hit. Some interesting quirks. (** ½) JV, (***)SM

Edge of Heaven: A Turkish-German Film. (***) JV & SM (“NEXT!!)

American Teen: A documentary (OOHHH, A DOCUMENTARY?!) on Teens in Indiana. It’s good, but a bit slick. Blame MTV for this. (***) JV & SM

The Radio From Hell 5000th Week - Episode II
By Guest Blogger, Tom Martinez

Episode #4999

Opening Song
“Free Time” - The Aggrolites (recorded live during Sundance 2008. Request it! Or don’t! But Request It!!)

The video’s not from that time, but still cool!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2nlzwXUttY

Sign-offs

• “I didn’t ask to be a princess, but if the crown fits…..”
• “Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you up out of the car.”
  

The Faces, The Places…
A fantastic week planned out by the Senior Executive Producer and Gay Companion, Ritchie T Steadman, is hardly enough to begin discussing how almost 5000 episodes have come to fruition. Bill was even amazed at all the pictures, including one that looked like he was on a cruise with his wife, Mrs. Bill. But, wait… this isn’t his beautiful wife! And those teeth are HEE-deous!! (you’ll see the one I mean) If you haven’t seen all the photos yet, check it out at:

http://www.x96.com/rfh/5000_photos

Of course the important thing to take away from this, after returning back to the old studio yesterday is that radio keep going due to people like Lou at the current KOGN 1490 AM (check it out, hmmm!). Not Corporate radio stations. Not Howard Stern. People who have an obvious passion for radio that keep connected with their community.

(Author’s note: Think K-ZIT or The News Authority {snigger} has that kind of pull with audiences these days? Seriously?! ‘Cause it’s people like you [whether on the air or thankful to be listening] that help Radio From Hell make it to 5000 episodes and stations like X96 that still make it local, alternative and independent! End blog rant.)

Unforgettable Quote
“The Ass-ponies from El Paso!” - Kerry Jackson

Boner of the Day
1.) I’ll Marry Ya, But You Better Keep Away From Me!!: A New York state man has been arrested for getting too close to his bride on their wedding day. Police say Timothy Cole quarreled with a wedding guest at a party Friday after wedding his ex-wife in Batavia. Officers knew the 45-year-old Cole from previous arrests and realized his bride had an order of protection against him. Cole was charged with first-degree criminal contempt, a felony, and ordered jailed without bail. The Daily News in Batavia says Cole was convicted of criminal contempt on July 1. The Genesee County public defender's office says Cole hasn't been assigned an attorney.

2.) I’m the Porn Inspector: A man suspected of posing as a police detective and telling an adult novelty shop to give him free X-rated videos so he could check for underage performers was arrested Tuesday, authorities said. Drew Libby, 33, was arrested on suspicion of impersonating an officer, possession of an illegal weapon and possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. Investigators said they believe Libby made three unsuccessful attempts to get free videos from the store, showing a badge and leaving a business card from the Longmont police "age verification unit." There is no such unit, police said. Libby was identified by a police officer and tipsters after photos were distributed from a surveillance camera in the store. No phone listing could be found for Libby. Boulder County Jail does not know if he has an attorney.

3.) So, We Have Several Others…: An Israeli couple going for a European vacation boarded the flight with their 18 suitcases, but forgot their three-year-old daughter at the airport. The girl, youngest of the five siblings, was found wandering at the Ben-Gurion airports duty free shopping area, crying for her mother. The family was running late and made a mad dash for their flight to Paris. In the confusion the little girl was left behind.

Voices of the Past
Of all the people to call and congratulate Radio From Hell, none was more apparent than the former Mrs. Bill. She wanted to say Hi and congrats for over 5000 episodes, and yes, he’s current with his alimony payments. Notably, neither Kerry’s ex, nor Gina’s pirate called in to participate.

Unforgettable Quote #2
“Maybe he’ll send a shot across the bow.” - Bill Allred

Unforgettable Quote #3
“No, he already did.”  - Gina Barberi

The Ocho
Bill Frost's Special List of Eight Reasons Radio From Hell has lasted 5,000 Episodes

8.) X96’s covert “Operation: Gina Kills The Show” plan fails in the ‘90s.
7.) Todd Nuke’Em’s only backup is The Marcy Playground Morning Zoo.
6.) No one has ever really verified the existence of the Orbital Death Ray Kerry threatens with every year.
5.) X96’s covert “Operation: Richie Kills The Show” plan fails in the ‘00s.
4.) The Public Broadcasting System secretly siphons pledge funds to KEEP Bill on commercial radio.
3.) The nightly “Fun Pigs on the Strip” Las Vegas revue is still in Negotiations at the Flamingo.
2.) The Budget’s been kept lean from years of suckering Local Media chumps to come on for free.
1.) There’s ALWAYS something to bitch about, ain’t there?

Close Calls…
There was a point Kerry nearly quit radio. He was at a point where he was going through a divorce, working for ZHT, and his ex-girlfriend almost convinced Kerry to get out of the business because there was no future in radio. Her suggestion: become a writer (which is the same as being in radio, when you think about it). Kerry almost did except for one factor: Dom Casual quit the business, and Bill suggested that there was only one person who could come and fill in on mornings. Now you know part of the story.

For Bill, the hardest thing was when they had the El Paso ass-ponies hire Jon McGant as their Program Director, and would tell staff to do horrible things like refer to the Wasatch Front as the Tri-Plex, and be in his office played computer golf. But Bill knew he was an idiot when one day he saw a picture of a murdered local girl and Said, “Boy, that’s a Shame! She was HOT!” (Author’s Note: next time you wanna pick on Todd Nuke’em as a Program Director, think of what you could’ve ended up with.)

Gina’s almost-moment was when she fought with Kerry over a segment on Taste-testing about a can opener, and (according to her) were really fighting. But all was forgiven. The reason: this happened on 9-11, and Gina hugged him and apologized for fighting.

Celebutard News
Hayden Pantierre’s father was arrested for punching his wife, her mom (classy!). Tori Spelling are branching into music and will still be on the air killing TV (sadly!). Angelina Jolie hasn’t picked anyone for a candidate (this is news? Really?!) Katherine Heigl is being a douche-tastic diva (not surprisingly!). People talking about boycotting Tropical Thunder for using “retard” (get a life, already!!!)

The Radio From Hell 5000th Week
By Guest Blogger, Tom Martinez

Episode #4998

Sign-offs

• "Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.”
• “To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction.”
  

Back to Where It All Began…
Yes folks. This is the Grand Week. 5000 episodes of feeling “like Hell” in the morning. What better way to celebrate this that in the place where it all began…Ogden. This was where at 1506 Gibson Ave a little studio called KJQ was home to Kerry & Bill, the morning show Fun Pigs on June 9th, 1985. Wanna know what it was like? Then Check This Out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EXA3ug8Mq8

The thing Kerry & Bill remembered about this time was that they’d run both the AM & FM stations in the same room, as the AM station was on a tape deck, so sometimes you hear loud clicking going on during their broadcasts. Also, if there was dead air on the AM station, there no alarm to tell them it went off the air (which, of course, you can’t hear in Simmons at all. No way!! It’s impossible to hear a Truck Back up in the hallway!!), instead, there was there Program Director Tom Greeley shouting out, “AM! AM!! AM!!!”

Gina Remembered working overnights in the studio, and how at 3AM in the morning, there’d be someone knocking on the window, asking for the KJQ stickers, and if they could have them pretty please. Now this had all the potential to become a big hazard and a potential for Assault. Management said not to worry about it too much. They’d just make it hard so someone to come into the window. The more things change….

Unforgettable Quote
“Ogden still is the City that will work for food.” - Bill Allred

The News Authority
Bill was swearing a lot at his radio today. As he listened to KSL, he overheard Amanda Dickson discussing a moment during the OLYMPICS, where the Silver Medalist & Bronze Medalist from Russia & Georgia, respectively shared an embrace despite the fact their countries are at war with each other (Author’s Note: The event the athletes medaled in was Shooting, so pile that on the ironic-o-meter). Now Amanda noted this was a touching moment and could have left it at that, right?

Nope! She went on to say, “Maybe they’ll show us the way.” What the $#!* is THAT??!! Once again, your News Authority . . . . SIGHHHH!!!!

Amblin’ Down Memory Lane
The Good Times of the old KJQ Studio. Kerry & Bill fondly remembered the most important member of the KJQ Staff…Mr. Farnsworth. He was such a good staff member, clearing the studio of mice, keeping the DJs company, lazing about on the old tape deck on those cold nights (BTW, it should be obvious that Farnsworth was a cat). Todd Nuke’em came in and mentioned the other fun part of the studio…spiders. Big yellow ones that would dangle in the studio during the warm months over their heads. Squashing them was like popping a zit. (eww!) Also, Bill could answer the phones with the one mike in the studio, but Kerry could not participate.

Improvement or not from the current SimmonsMedia studio, you be the judge.

Boner of the Day
1. "Get That Bike Outta My Grill!": An 8 year old boy was hit by a car in San Diego Cty Thursday night. He rode his bike out into the intersection where he did not make a complete stop, and was broadsided by a car. The driver stopped long enough to get the bike out of his car’s grille, and then sped off. No suspects were found.

2. "Bernie Mac is Fine! No he isn’t! Yes, He Is!": A Salt Lake Tribune story in The Mix section on Sunday stated that he was fine after a stay in the hospital and would be up and about. The front page, however, stated he had died of pneumonia. All in the same paper!

3. "He Let Her Have It With A Char-Broil": A man and a woman found a new use for a BBQ pit . . . as a weapon! n argument over whether a third guest should stay in the house got so heated that the woman picked up the barbecue pit and hit the man over the head with it, police said. The man picked up the barbecue pit and returned the favor and hit the woman in the head with it, police reported. 

Murderers We Have Known
If there’s one thing Ogden inspires and brings to memory, it’s murders and murderers. Bill told of one story in 1983 where a guy he knew in the Ogden area, who’d visit the studio and who he’d scene, spoke about his missing fiancée. Around that time, there was a rash of rape/murders during that time, and the guy was brought in by the police, and was charged and sent to prison for these murders. Bill never suspected he would do that sort of a thing.

Another murderer that called in during their feature “Check In” was a guy called the Missionary From Hell (people would use radio pseudonyms at the time, like PUNK) who was a regular and had an Australian accent (note: first sign of creepiness). The Missionary, Doug Luna, found out of a surprise party at Bill’s mom’s house, and brought over pizzas. Bill was freaked out by the experience and somehow managed to usher him away. The last time Bill saw Doug was at a remote to pick up a couple of stickers. Prior to this, Doug and another guy took their roommate to the mountains and shot him dead!

Check Ins, Redux…
Some of the other people who used to call in with their Check Ins back in the day came by to pay their respects to Kerry, Bill & Gina. Among them was King of the Buttheads (aka Chris Lund), who used to call in with attention issues, and Duck (real name unknown) who not only called with Wrestling updates (he no longer does) and did a show called Duck Soup. He stayed on for awhile even when KJQ turned back into Top 40 Radio.

Unforgettable Quote #2
“I think being back here [KJQ] is a portent of doom!”

Celebutard News
Sarah Silverman doesn’t want to be taken for granted, and she’s fine, just fine, having lunch lunch with a Companion (after Jimmy Kimmel, it’s bound to go up from there). Claiken had a baby with his friend James (dude’s a lady). Could Dave Archuleta be far behind? He could do it. He’s got child-bearing hips, and a seed could find purchase in him. Lindsay Lohan is drinkin...again, and her arms look like a pair of chicken drumsticks, but Samantha is driving her around. And Isaac Hayes has found rest in Xenu’s Arms. Goodbye Children!

Episode #4981

In The Know
Bill was the subject of an invasion of privacy this morning.  Two men with video cameras showed up at Bill's house.  Gina was confused; why would two men with video cameras be at Bill's house?  Gina might be better informed if she were to stay at the officer for more than 30 seconds after her sign-off.  The cameras were part of Radio From Hell's 5000th show celebration.  They'll be following Bill and Kerry around for a morning to see how they prepare for the show.  They told the men not to bother with Gina.  Gina wouldn't allow it.  She's a stick in the mud, and her house is much, much to tiny.

Hero of the Day
"L.F. Eason III, director of the state Standards Laboratory in North Carolina, has chosen to retire instead of lowering flags to honor former Sen. Jesse Helms, saying in an e-mail that the late conservative had a "doctrine of negativity, hate and prejudice.""  (Read More)

Boners (brought to you by salmon)
1. "I Hate These Meeses to Pieces!":  A California woman shot herself and another man with a .44 caliber revolver whilst trying to kill a mouse.  The woman pulled the firearm from a holster under her arm, but dropped the weapon which discharged when it hit the floor.  The bullet went through the woman's kneecap, glanced off a set of keys on the man's belt, finally tearing a hole in the man's pants and grazing across his groin.

2. "She Needed a Spanking":  A Florida police officer has been fired after he was accused of stripping, fondling, and finally, spanking a woman at a party.  The victim alleges that the off-duty officer was intoxicated when he propositioned her for oral sex.  When she refused, he stripped of her pants, fondled her, and held her down while he spanked her with his hand, and later a leather belt.


3. "Whacked by a Commode":  After discovering her boyfriend smoking cocaine in their bathroom, a Florida woman beat the man with a toilet seat.

The spanking cop is Boner of the Day.


My Ex-Wife Loves Him
Whilst at the wedding of semi-celebrity Tom Russell, The Sainted Mary Claire met a song-writer.  She wouldn't give Gina the woman's name as she was afraid that she might find this story via Google.  The song-writer had written for a number of famous artists, including one of Mary Claire's favorites, Neil Diamond.  While Neil Diamond was recording one of the woman's songs for a country album in Nashville, they had a day off and she and Mr. Diamond's entourage were all out by the pool.  The woman's daughter wasn't swimming and was still in her regular clothes.  As Mr. Diamond walked by the 15-year-old daughter, he pushed her right into the pool and walked away laughing to himself. 


Heaven Can Wait
When in Denver at the end of next month, Gina will be staying with Joe and Li'l Mohamed at the Westin.  Gina enjoys The Westin because they have the "Heavenly Beds."  What she just discovered, however, is that they also have "Heavenly Cribs!"  Li'l Mohamed will be resting comfortably on 4" of germ-infested comfort!

Episode #4934

Sign-off

• “Why am I naked and sticky? Did I miss something fun?” - Futurama

Boners (brought to you by brisket)

1. “Your Invitation Embarrasses Me”: A high school lacrosse team has been suspended after the team helped a teammate ask his date to prom by spelling out the proposal on their buttocks and then displaying said buttocks during a school soccer match. The school atheletic director told parents tahat the gesture was inappropriate and disrespectful to women. Say “no” to prom.

2. “Will You Watch My Baby?” A highly intoxicated man showed up at a Miami strip club with a baby in his car. The man asked to use one of the dancer's cell phones. Minouche Eliasin claimed that the man was acting weird and refused to answer simple questions like, “Where's the mom?” The baby had a wet diaper and was sweating profusely. After attempting to leave the infant at the club, the club manager called police. Apparently Robert Hancock had taken the baby, without permission, from the baby's grandparents.

3. “Well, We Can't Afford An Amusement Park”: Police in Minneapolis arrested a woman after witnesses reported seeing her dangle an 11-month old boy from a window, and reported another 6-year-old child locked on the roof of their apartment building in the rain. Police arrived in time to see the 6-year-old climb back inside a window before arresting Vanessa Sparks on child endangerment charges.

The strip-club daddy is Boner of the Day.

You Oughtn' Talk Like That

Dorothy called into the show to confront Gina on her baseball game manners. Apparently Dorothy was the woman who yelled at the “Empire” during Festus' last game. Dorothy was extremely funny and kind, and was just as irritated with her ring-tone shopping fiancée as Gina was.

Memories

During Kerry and Bill's divorce, Bill worked with a fellow who went by the name of Dom Casual. As the 5000^th episode is coming up, Bill thought he would try and find Mr. Casual for history sake. Mr. Casual is now Mr. Mark Allen working for a classic rock station KEGX, 106.5FM. When Bill went to the KEGX webpage, he noticed that Mr. Allen was currently on the air, so Bill thought he'd listen for a moment. Stairway to Heaven was playing. Apparently Mr. Allen still gets chills when hearing that song. As they went to commercials, one commercial started playing right on top of another until there were about six playing simultaneously. Bill, being a good radio citizen, called the station to alert them. He got a secretary, told her the problem, then asked to speak to Mark Allen. She forwarded Bill to Mr. Allen extension, where he expected to only get voice mail. Mark actually answered the phone. Bill said, “Hey Mark, this is Bill Allred. You have about six commercials playing right now.” “Oh Crap!” After Mark fixed the issue, he and Bill had a long, friendly chat.

Things That Must Go

Guthrie

• “Nobody's listening” or “Nobody's reading anyway.”

• “Got Hope?”

• Redundant statements

  • “Sex perverts”

  • “Personal battle with cancer”

• The KSL Nightside “After Party” giving you traffic until midnight! Nothing says a party like traffic until midnight!

• Dress shirts with too many straight pins.

• Jelly Belly jelly beans without proper flavor coloration indicators.

Gina

• Gina and Joe are going to vote for Senator Obama, but he has to stop calling for donations during dinner.

• The omnipresent pacifier.

Bill

• Aching joints when you're sick.

• Fevers when you're sick.

• The clogged toilet in Rock Ledge.

• Not enough soft-serve ice-cream in Salt Lake City.

Neglected News

David Hasselhoff has boob-sweat. “The Hoff” only needs three-hours of rehab. Some women like to take plaster casts of rock-star penises. Hannah Montana will be laying low after her sheet debacle.

Grade

Today's show received a B+.

Episode #4922

Opening Song
"Apeman" - The Kinks

Sign-offs

• Death is life's way of telling you, "You're Fired."

Gay, Nautically-Themed Mascots
Bill chipped his tooth over the weekend. He has no idea when he did it or how he did it, but now he can't stop running his tongue over the sharp edge. It feels like he's been eating a bunch of Cap'n Crunch. Bill always thought the Cap'n was probably gay, but was never positive. Smedley the Peanut Butter Crunch elephant was most certainly a homosexual.

Bill never really cared for Cap'n Crunch as it was much too sweet. It was never Kerry's favorite either, but people kept buying it for him. Kerry was more partial to "Grins and Smiles and Giggles and Laughs" - a cereal vomited by a robot named Cecil. Today if Bill is going to consume a sugary cereal, he is most partial to Cinnamon Toast Crunch, even though the three chef's have been downsized and outsourced.

Five-Thousand
The 5000th episode of Radio From Hell is coming up in August. It's actually an estimate of the 5000th show that Kerry and Bill have done together - even though for a short time the show was known by it's more Top-40-friendly name, "The Fun Pigs." Both Kerry and Bill regret and apologize for this poor choice from their past. At the time they were on KJQ-FM and KJQ-AM. The AM station played really oldies, while the FM played newer, Top 40. Their boss wanted Kerry and Bill on both stations, but didn't want to compromise on the music, so they had to try and sync up the songs. They would play commercials, then play two songs, then it was Kerry and Bill. If one station's songs finished first, they'd have to try and kill time until the other finished. It was terrible - and it wasn't as if the controls were quiet. When Kerry had to feed into the other station while the other was live, everyone on the live feed heard a giant "CLINK!" That board was terrible. It had dials the size of Gina's new boobs. Kerry and Bill made it even better by having a car-painting shop color it bright metallic purple.

Boners (brought to you by Uncle Todd's Shaved Kabobs)
1. "Just Punishment or Pure Torture": After catching her 10-year-old son attempting to steal a digital camera from a Park City retailer, a mother asked a police officer to incarcerate the boy. Apparently he had been caught stealing before and she wanted to teach him a lesson. The officer refused claiming that the boy was much too young. Instead, the mother gave the boy a sign which read, in part, "I am a thief." The sign also listed the retailers from which the boy had been caught stealing. The mother intended to let the boy march from 12:30pm to 5:00pm, but relented at 3:30.

2. "The Klan is Funny": Two Ohio police officers have been disciplined after photos appeared of one of the officers dressed as a member of the KKK. The other officer took a photograph with his cell-phone and sent it to other members of the department. The two claimed that they were trying to recreate a sketch from The Chappelle Show. Apparently the two were unaware that they were white and Dave Chappelle is African-American, which is what made the original sketch successful.

3. "Go! Fight! Steal! Go! Fight! Steal!": Two Utah State University cheerleaders/rally-men were arrested and charged with credit card theft. The two "men" spotted two unattended purses and removed credit cards from them. They then went shopping at the local Wal-Mart. After police determined where and when the purchases had been made, they were able to retrieve surveillance tape and identify the cheery thieves.

The Klan officers are Boners of the Day.

Too Much Work
Intern Matt knows that Gina has too much work to do. Intern Matt also knows that Bill enjoyed Intern Manny's reading of the sponsors. Intern Matt would like to relieve some of the pressure on Gina and read the liners. Bill really only liked Intern Manny's reading of the sponsors because he was so terrible at it. Intern Matt doesn't really care; he just wants more time on the air. Bill suggested that Intern Matt go get a job at a radio station.

Bill Frost
Brett Michaels had his rock of love the whole time. It was *right*...*here*. Apparently Season one "loves" (Flava, Rock, Shots) never work out. Bones isn't House. New Amsterdam hasn't died yet, nor found his true blave. One Tree Hill plants a few more trees. Rules of Enragement is like the live-action Ren and Stimpy. The Paper is one of the few shows on MTV that Bill Frost will recommend. It's a docu-soap about a high-school newspaper. According to Jim is back. Thank god! Now Bill can breathe easy again. The Biggest Loser might be a woman this time. Human Giant finishes it's season. The Real World begins it's 20th season. This time they'll finally kick that ass Puck off the show. After seven seasons of Smallville, Lex Luthor finally does something more evil than giving Clark a swirly in the boy's bathroom. Torchwood was too much like a dramatic version of Garth Merenghi's Darkplace for Bill's taste. John Adams is over. John Oliver of The Daily Show has a special on Sunday night.

Neglected News
Phil McGraw has never been and never will be entertaining or helpful. The Painful Circle gives better advice. Britney followed a finger. Ashton pushed his wife around in her wheelchair. Marilyn Monroe has a sex-film that will probably never be seen.

Gina's Sign-off
"I can be creative."

Episode #4876

Sign-offs

• So, my choice is, “or death?”

• If FedEx and UPS merged, would it be called FedUp?

How Many?
Richie would rather not discuss his plans for Radio From Hell's 5,000th episode. However, Bill overheard Richie talking to Salt Lake Magazine. SL Magazine still owes Gina a flattering photo. Gina hardly ever photographs poorly, but the last one they took of her looked terrible. Bill suggested that she send over a previous photo - one that had to be airbrushed. Apparently the photo showed that Gina was all woman and had some kind of relation to "the ship of the desert." Bill likes that photo a great deal. He still has numerous non-airbrushed copies of the photo for his own purposes.

Boners (brought to you by Gina's salmon)
1. "I Am Protecting The Baby": A Florida woman who was stopped and charged with a DUI, had a case of beer seat-belted into the front passenger seat. The woman's one-year-old daughter, however, was in the back seat without any kind of restraint whatsoever.

2. "Oh, Sadie Girl": A Kerns man was arrested and charged with animal-cruelty after stabbing his neighbor's dog through a fence. The man claimed that the dog barked too much, so he stabbed the dog in the snout with a kitchen knife. The neighbor's came home to find their dog bleeding and rushed it to a veterinary, who was able to help the canine.

3. "A Wild Night at The Food King": As a police officer escorted a shoplifter out of a West Valley grocery store, store security chased another man out of the store who had robbed the service desk at gunpoint. Security eventually tackled the man. The gun was fake, but the man claimed that a friend of his was in the store with a bomb. The store was evacuated. At that point, another man thought it would be a good time to shoplift a few items from the store. The three arrested men were not related in any way.

The beer protecting mother is Boner of the Day.

Pee Shivers
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-micturition_convulsion_syndrome

As a Former Inmate
"Springer" was an inmate in several New York prisons. He was arrested and jailed several times for dealing controlled substances. The most egregious error found him selling mushrooms to a state trooper. He intended on jumping bail, but his mother and father had put up his bail money. He finally decided to "be a man" and take his punishment. Prison-love does happen, but it didn't happen to Springer. The easiest way to find undesired prison love is by failing to pay gambling or drug debts. But, hey, any port in a storm. Prison food really sucks, but you can buy three packages of ramen noodles with the $0.35/day salary they'll give you for working. Making sangria in the terlet isn't easy, isn't tasty, but it works.

Jeff Vice
A movie with James Earl Jones!? Hooray! Not really. He appears in Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins for about five minutes. The rest of the movie is Martin Lawrence, Cedric the Entertainer, and Monique. Monique is fat and sassy. Martin Lawrence is, well, Martin Lawrence. It's terrible. 1 star.

Strange Wilderness. Zero stars.

Gina Barberi may have conceived of, written by, and directed Fool's Gold. The film consists largely of shirt-less McConaughey and skimpy-bikini Hudson kissing with the sun shining through their golden tresses. Watching out for the exploding man, but they all lived happily ever after. 1.5 stars.

Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show is just what it sounds like. It's a bunch of stand up comedians. Jeff liked the movie better as The Comedians of Comedy (Patton Oswalt, Zach Galifianakis, Brian Posehn and Maria Bamford). The off-stage stuff can be funny at times, but the stand-up is just not funny. 2 stars.