Episode #5163
Days until contract expiration: 342
Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials
Sign-offs
"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the freezer."
Follow Up
Bill had the colonoscopy follow-up appointment with his doctor. He only had a few polyps and they all came back benign. No big deal. Most people don't have to have a colonoscopy until they are well into their 40's. Gina had to have one much earlier than that. She was having....problems. Specifically, she was having a bad divorce. The doctors had to check Gina's colon for boarding pirates.
Unforgettable Quote
"I remember a wool cap. I don't remember who's ass it was in." - Kerry Jackson
Boners (brought to you by salad nicoise)
1. "Duct Tape It": A hose repaired with duct tape on a tanker of radioactive material led to a potentially dangerous leak as it left an Energy Solutions site in Tooele. A weigh station attendant noticed a wet stain on the tanker and alerted the authorities. The tanker had leaked nearly a half-gallon of material from the damaged hose. A hazardous materials crew was able to remove the material without further incident.
2. "Happy Birthday": During a birthday party for her husband, a Salt Lake City woman became enranged and stabbed the guest of honor in the upper chest with a steak knife. The birthday-boy is recovering at an area hospital.
3. "Get Mommy Some Panties" A New York woman was arrested after allegedly using her 12-year-old daughter to steal underwear from a Kohl's department store. The woman stuffed the panties into her purse then handed the purse to her daughter who ran outside and locked herself in the car. Store employees called police who persuaded the girl to unlock the car and arrested the mother.
The duct-taping hazardous waste transporters are Boners of the Day.
Inventions
Thinking that Kerry may, at some point tonight, be found drinking, and F.O.P produced a beverage said to help with hangovers. The drink, invented by the F.O.P's brother, is called "After Party" and contains a mix of vitamins, electrolytes, and "natural" pain-killers to recharge your liver. Bill needs no such thing. He recharges his liver with a car battery and two electrodes.
The "After Party" did, however, provide Bill with a new product idea of his own; "After Coitus." It's a drink to recharge your......after a night of hard sex. Kerry suggested that he change the name to "Post Coitus", which would be abbreviated to "P.C." Gina suggested that the drink should probably taste like a sammich - isn't that what guys want after sex?
The Painful Circle
Your hen-pecked and over-nagged husband won't want to have sex with you. Maybe you need to practice with an aide. If your wife divorces you because ap psychic told her that you were having an affair - without any other evidence - she was looking for an excuse. Go ahead and divorce her and send the legal bill to Kathy, The Witch of Brigham. Wrap your rascal two times. It will be joyless and without sensation. You'll be married within the next 10 years.
This is the End, Nearly the End
When Richie was 17-years-old, he nearly wasn't 18-years-old. He and his friend, Bert Hoffman, used to perform on HTV, Hillcrest High Television. On one occassion, they decided they wanted to perform the announcements from the waving guy in Wendover. Richie was driving, but about 18 miles outside of Wendover, Bert decided that he wanted to drive. Instead of pulling over, Richie and Bert attempted to switch places whilst the car was going 70-miles-per-hour. The car wrecked, throwing the seatbelt-less Richie and Bert from the car. Neither was even seriously injured. In fact, Richie still performed with the Sugar Daddies quartet a few days later.
Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose today's Boner as Boner of the Week.
A Promotion
Marcus is The Mayor of Comedy. It says so right on his Wikipedia page. In fact, other radio stations have been asking Marcus about the title Kerry bestowed upon him. Bill Allred is The City Planner of Comedy. Marcus used to be a WWE wrestler. In fact, it was how he met 'Woof' from American Gladiator. Marcus didn't stick with the wrestling for long. He broke nearly every bone in his body at one point or another. Stand-up comedy is slightly easier on the body than being dropped through a table.
Episode #4926
Opening Song
“Ladies of the World” - Flight of the Conchords
Sign-off
“Everybody got it wrong. I said I was into porn again, not born again.” - Billy Idol
“Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live.” - Socrates
“Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit.” - Peter Beckmann
“Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean....Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.”
Pampered Hosts
If Bill has to be at the studio all day, he needs to be pampered. He wants a pedicure, manicure, and a nose-hair waxing. Ear candling? No. You people who believe in ear-candling are weird, crazy, and kinda creepy. Bill tried ear-candling on the air one time. The individual who administered the “treatment” let hot wax drop right down into Bill's ear canal. He had to go to the doctor the next day to have a giant solidified wax plug removed. Gina burned the spare candle provided to Radio From hell while holding it in her hand... It still displayed the same “wax”' that candlers use to show the “sucker” that it's working.
Complicated Questions
After Kerry played the “Evening Circus” drop, one F.O.P had a dream about Kerry and Bill. He was at the fairgrounds. At first, he saw Kerry, dressed somewhat like a cross between Edward Scissorhands and Hunter S. Thompson. He had the hat, glasses, and cigarette holder of Mr. Thompson, and the hands of Mr. Scissorhands. Of course, instead of scissors, Kerry had hands made of cock-tail utensils. Then the F.O.P saw Bill, in a top-hat and a long “Snerdly Whiplash” style moustache. Bill was running the carousel. The carousel was being ridden by a number of children. As the F.O.P watched, some quiet music started in the background. It wasn't quite audible. As the F.O.P continued to look on, the carousel came to life and began to eat the children. The music got louder and louder as the blood spurted from pre-adolescent necks. Finally the music was recognizeable; “Annie are you Ok!? Are you OK!? Are you OK, Annie!? You've been struck by, A Smooth Criminal!” Who sings that song?
Boners (brought to you by salmon – no one knows from whence it came)
1. “I Did Not Sleep So Good”: After a long-night of drinking, a Russian man returned home and fell asleep, with a six-inch knife in his back. The knife was discovered by his wife the next morning. Fortunately for the man, no major damage was inflicted to his internal organs. His drinking partner was later arrested for the assault.
2. “I Needed A Little Booster” or “Church Cougar”: A 31-year-old woman who was charged two-weeks ago with having sex with a 15-year-old boy was arrested again an hour before her court-date as she was still in the company of the underage male. The two met at Calvary Assembly of God church in West Bend, WI where the woman had been employed as an aide in the day-care center.
3. “Back To The War Cripple”: After losing hearing in one ear and severely damaging a knee in Iraq, Army SPC James Raymond was honorably discharged after being determined to be “10% disabled.” He was informed that he was put on the Individual Ready Reserve, but told that he wouldn't be called up until World War III broke out. He has received notice that he has been recalled to active duty.
The recalling of the disabled-veteran to active service is Boner of the Day.
The 4/20 Show
Some people have asked why Radio From Hell does the extended show on 4/20 – a “secret” drug holiday. Unbeknownst to most Kerry is a big druggie. Each day, as soon as the show ends, Kerry looks to Bill and says, “Hey! Shoot that gauge my way! Don't bogart that joint!”
Margaret Ruth
Finding wild, bad, sweet, and nice boys is a hard charge. You can't beat your husband and mother-in-law. Cement truck drivers have a hard time finding special ladies. You be married within the next 10 hours.
Neglected News
Putin is dating a gymnast. Lindsay will take her pants off for money. Scarlet can't act, but she can sing.
Boner of the Week
Dave “Taffy” Matson chose “Your Nation Thanks You For Your Sacrifice” as Boner of the Day.
Parenthood
Hey everybody, it's Bill's son, Dylan! Dylan hasn't spoken with his father for some time. Bill doesn't really think he needs to call his two older children anymore. He gave the family a cardboard stand-up of himself for Xmas, and it gives the same quality advice. Should Dylan ever bring home a date to meet his parents, Cardboard Bill will probably be much more kind.
Kids Are Super-Good Fun
Hey everybody, it's Jonesie and Li'l Mohamed! This is the first time Kerry has even seen Mohamed. Kerry and Momma Sue were much more involved with Gina's first two children. Mohamed, like the other two children, is like and old boat; leaky. He drools all the time and has male-pattern baldness. Jonesie was helping Gina with Li'l Mohamed's bath last night and noticed his maleness with a, "What is that? Take that off!" Oddly enough, numerous women have said the exact same thing to Bill.
Wendover-Gate
Yes, Richie, Toe-Sucking is a real thing. Before Sue, Kerry was with a woman who gave him a great food massage until, next thing you know, his toes were in her mouth. It wasn't weird; it was hot. Actually, it wasn't a woman, it was Bill, and that's the basis for the Wendover story.
For some reason, the Wendover story seems to come up regularly on the All-Day shows. Bill will never, ever reveal that story. Richie wondered if the story were kept in the Granite Vaults by the LDS church. Obviously not; if the LDS church knew the Wendover story, Bill would not be allowed to live in Utah at all.
The Short Bus to Lunch
Though Kerry and Bill enjoyed a couple of well put together turkey sandwiches for lunch, Gina had to be different and "special." It's turdition that Gina get her "usual" from The Hires down the street. Gina's usual consists of a hamburger with ketchup only, fries, fry-sauce, and a vanilla coke. Gina is under the impression that she is very important because the restaurant only knows what she wants. No, this doesn't make her special. It makes her predictable.
A Chainsaw?
Sue created a video of Kerry while he was sleeping and snoring. It really is loud. When Kerry really gets to sawing logs, Sue moves into the guest bedroom down the hall. Through two doors, numerous walls, and over two different sound machines, Sue can still hear him. Eventually he'll shake himself awake. Bill didn't think that he snored regularly, but Mrs. Bill revealed that Bill snores almost every night, and it's pretty loud too. Mrs. Bill has just had to learn how to tune it out. Maybe the sound his muffled somewhat because Bill sleeps on his stomach with his face planted firmly into the pillow.
The Horror. The Horror.
Hey everybody, it's Mrs. Bill! Mrs. Bill is not happy. She was trapped at home with those two......kids without even a single drop of alcohol. Bill finished off every drop last night because he was trapped with those two....kids. He had some vermouth, that he usually uses for martini's, but didn't have any gin. He drank what was left of the vermouth, then got into the pantry and retrieved the sherry usually reserved for cooking. Bill was lucky to have something. With the way the kids were last night, Bill would have gone for the rubbing alcohol.
Intern Show
While in California, right off his LDS mission, Mattie-bear was picked up by a hooker. He didn't know she was a hooker at first. She just asked if she could have a ride. Being the helpful sort, Mattie-bear gave her a lift. As they drove, the hooker asked if Mattie-bear liked to party. Mattie-bear misheard her and thought she was asking to use his cell-phone, to which he answered, "No." She then wondered if any of Mattie-bear's friends enjoyed partying. At this point, Mattie-bear realized who he had in his car and gave her some quarters to end the relationship.
Amber can only remember one joke. "What do you call a convention of hookers?" "A ho-down." Amber is having a girl's night this weekend. Amber and her friends will be driving up to midway. Amber is the only single girl going on the trip, but she's never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Unforgettable Quote
"Use my hairy wax baby." - Bill Allred
Kerry's iPod
"Elvis is everywhere." - Skid Roper and Mojo Nixon
Kerry's iPod #2
"Who do you want to be today?" - Oingo Boingo
Margaret Ruth Round Two
If you suspect that your girlfriend of 4 months may trap you into marriage with a baby, run like hell! If you want that last 'hug', wrap your rascal two times, because you want it to be joyless and without sensation. Bill will even come over and put a condom on you if he has to. If your man can change oil, he's probably the one. Co-habitation and pre-marital sex are not mutually exclusive. Never, ever let go of a hot woman who dresses up as a stormtrooper. If she dresses like Princess Leia, propose immediately. Margaret Ruth cleans up fine. Jim and Guthrie will be married within the next 10 years.
X-Set
Bill - "Underneath the Radar" by Underworld.
Gina - "A Small Victory" by Faith No More.
Kerry - "No One Lives Forever" by Oingo Boingo
Darth Artie
Hey everybody, it's Artie Fufkin! After the discussion of snoring this morning, Artie brought in his CPAP machine. It's a little air-pump with a mask to go over his face. Artie's is really nice because it has a place to put distilled water to increase the humidity. Instead of water, though, Artie adds chili. It really give a nice aroma to his evening slumber. When Artie first tried the CPAP, it was up too high, so Artie kind of blew up like a balloon. He woke up with his stomach four-times it's normal size. Of course, what happens to a balloon if the end isn't tied off? That's right, two-hours of farting. When Artie needs to clean the machine, he uses vinegar. It gets it nice and clean, but the mask smells like a pickle for the next few days.
Unforgettable Quote
“I have to have it tighter to my face or else I fart.” - Artie Fufkin
M.L.T
In Feb. 1992, one F.O.P and his date attended a Siouxsie & the Banshees show. They were in the balcony and noticed as Bill came in with the soon-to-be Mrs. Bill. He turned to his date and said, “Hey, that's Bill Allred.” His date responded, “Do you think she dates him because he's on the radio?” Fortunately Mrs. Bill was available by phone and clarified that she dated Bill because he's short, smart, and funny.
Radio From Hell 13-Hour-Show Haiku
By Atropos. Inspired by three of the last lines from the show:
I have to go fart
Sometimes there's so much I cry
I hurt. I hurt. Hurt.
Gina's Sign-off
“I hurt.”
Opening Song
“Pressure Drop” - The Specials
Sign-offs
“First, the doctor gave me the good news, I was going to have a disease named after me.”
“Kids are not easy because there has to be a penalty for sex.”
“Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature.”
Wrong Day
It may be the wrong day for the 13-hour marathon. Bill is tired. Mrs. Bill wasn't particularly happy about him leaving her with "those two brats" all-day, so she went out and left Bill on Kid Duty. Kid Duty unfortunately often involves kid doodie. Little Mrs. Bill can go number one by herself, and even knows enough to only use three squares of TP. Number two, however, involves a little more help. Bill never understood why number 1 was for pee. It should be number two for poo, number three for pee, and number one for both.
Besides the kids, Bill's sleep was a bit restless in anticipation of the all-day show. Apparently the show makes Bill a little randy, and he had really erotic dreams all night. Gina thought that erotic dreams made sleep better. Oh no, not for Bill. Bill wakes up ready to shake his own hand. You know, ready to bat. If you aren't careful you might round third without being waved on.
Why?
People keep asking Gina why they are doing the all-day show. Is it sponsored? "The Goodyear 13-Hour Show!"? Nope.
Boners
1. "All That You Say and Wear is Wrong": A female student at Alta High School researched her heritage and studied how to perform a traditional Hindu dance. She was going to perform the dance for the school, but her traditional Hindu dress, with a bare midriff, offended the school sensibilities. The student was forced to perform the dance with her midriff covered.
(View Story)
2. "I Thought We Banned You From This School": A crazy woman, who had been previously banned from school property, walked into a kindergarten glass brandishing a cap-gun. The woman fired the gun over and over again. No cause was given for her previous ban, or her current actions.
(View Story)
3. "Damnit to Hell! Where Are My Gall-Durned Doughnuts?": A semi-truck full of sunflower seeds overturned when the driver, Merv Bontrager, took his eyes off the road in order to look for his sack of doughnuts.
(View Story)
The doughnut eating sunflower seed driver is Boner of the Day.
Sweet Utah Wine
The nice folks from Six Tail Cellars brought Bill and Kerry some more of the Utah peach wine they make. Bill loves this wine, but Bill usually doesn't care for homemade wine. He used to make elderberry wine with station owner Jim Facer. It was horrific.
Boner of the Week
Dave "The Best Utahn" Matson chose “Don't You Mess With A BMW Driver!” as Boner of the Week.
Drinking On The Job
There is no way that Kerry and Bill can try the Pumpkin Spice wine at work today. Todd Nukem tried to get Alan Hague to go for it, but he wouldn't. It's against company policy to drink or possess alcoholic beverages. Employees are allowed to "responsibly" imbibe at specific company functions. At the January holiday party, Todd Nukem was not drinking responsible. He was completely sock-faced. F.O.P Mario has fond memories of Mr. Nukem dancing shirtless at DV8 during a Hoodoo Guru's concert.
New Toys
Bill and Mrs. Bill keep a storehouse of “prizes” for when Little Bill demonstrates good behavior. Yesterday Little Bill did everything he was supposed to, so Bill gave Little Bill a realistic plastic bloody, severed foot from The Hills Have Eyes promotional material. When Bill gave the bloody, severed foot to Little Bill, Little Bill clutched the revolting object to his bosom and went around yelling, "I love it! I love it!" He then got his crutch and pirate sword, placed the crutch under his arm, and wandered the house braging about having cut-off his own foot. Later, as he was going to bed, Little Bill set the bloody, severed foot, sword, and bloody, severed ear on his dresser and informed Bill that he is going to start a museum.
Little Bill has created some of his own props as well. A couple of weeks ago Little Bill and Mrs. Bill were creating “Smokey Joe”, which is a mock-up of a burnt corpse. They also bought an oscillating fan from The D.I. to create an “animatronic” ghost – complete with scream mask.
Favorite Things
Kerry has three favorite sounds; ice in a cocktail shaker, Artie's dog tags in the backyard, and a metal lid screwing down on a glass mayonnaise jar. Bill loves those sounds as well, but would add one more - a quarter hitting the bottom of a tin cup.
Kerry's iAudio
As with last year's show, Kerry doesn't have a fancy iPod like Todd. Kerry has a cheap Korean knock-off called an iAudio. For the 10:20am Kerry's iAudio, Kerry played "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed.
Morning Show Feud
One called wanted to know about the “feud” between Radio From Hell and Brett Smith (Chunga). Bill gave “Chunga” his name. There really isn't a feud except that Radio From Hell and Mr. Smith's show compete for ratings. Kerry and Bill suppose that it is a little more personal because Mr. Smith used to work for X96. The End also had a good ratings book when they first debuted and they decided to send really mean fax letters to X96. Mr. Smith has also stolen some of Bill's stories and claimed that they happened to him. Mr. Smith never met the Indian from Village People and was never given a pair of his moccasins.
The Ocho by Bill Frost, A Radio From Hell Exclusive
Eight reasons why there should not be a 13 hour Radio From Hell Show:
It cuts into Gina's second "job" on State Street, but she'll see "customers" in her
cubicle during air breaks.
Todd has too much free time to program more Bush and Candlebox songs into the playlist.
Kerry doesn't spend this much time sober unless there's a court date involved . And even then..
A confused and disillusioned Artie Fufkin will be wandering the streets of Salt Lake City holding sign, "Will holler and sweat for corn dogs."
Bill's righteous indignation levels will be seriously depleted by late afternoon, requiring an emergency visit from . Grant & Amanda.
Richie will run out of charming Mormon anecdotes and eventually begin divulging the debaucheries that go on backstage at the Desert Star Theater: "I seen a girl's stockings!"
In the 9th hour of blogging, Atropos will just begin typing "Worst. 4/20. Ev-er." over and over.
Fooled by his radio alarm, Bill Frost will continue to sleep off his Thursday hangover until 7 p.m.
Advertising Problems
Long-time F.O.P “Gumby” brought Kerry, Bill, and Gina some “Radio From Hell University” stickers. These stickers caused a great deal of controversies at The University of Utah because they looked too much like the “A” level parking at the school. Kerry pointed out that they may have looked similar from far away, but the official stickers were “inside” stickers, and the X96 stickers attached to the outside of the vehicle. Kerry, Bill, and Gina now need to discover what the current parking stickers look like.
Kerry's iAudio
“Lotion” - Greenskeeper
Hybridization of Bill
Bill may be a hybrid man. After his car was totaled yesterday, he really wants to get a new Toyota Prius. Hybrids may be all well and good, but Mrs. Bill wants to do even more to save the environment. She wants to get a diesel car so they can buy a conversion kit to enable the vehicle to run on French fry grease. The rarely predictable Gina absolutely loves the fact that the car smells like French fries as it runs.
Fond Memories
When Kerry was growing up, he really was as obsessive as Little Bill. Kerry would save up his money to buy items from the Johnson & Smith Catalog. One item was the “You Control 6' Ghost.” Kerry had visions of flying this item down the halls and scaring people with it. The kit was a white balloon, a white garbage bag, and fishing line. Not exacting what Kerry imagined. Kerry also ordered the “Personal Submarine”, which he figured he could use to rule the world from his backyard pond. Unfortunately the submarine had the same problem as Optimus Prime – it was made from cardboard and didn't get along well with water.
Bill once ordered the “Machine Gun BB Gun” for his bike. It was a plastic mount with a crank. You turned the crank and BB's were supposed to fire repeatedly from the plastic barrel. It was more like they lazily rolled out out the end. Bill could possible have hit someone who was standing six inches a way, but they probably wouldn't have felt it.
Artie also used the Johnson & Smith catalog. The thing that caught Artie's attention was the book on “How to Pray To God To Get What You Want.” Oddly enough, Artie never got that pony.
Brokeback Pawnshop
Artie Fufkin is a frequent visitor to local area pawn shops, or as his mother calls them, Satan's 7-11. While Artie was at the pawnshop recently, two snobby looking old ladies came into the store carrying a copy of the Brokeback Mountain DVD. When it was her turn, she asked the clerk how much she could get for it. Apparently she had watched 15 minutes into the movie and thought it was the most filthy movie she had ever seen. She was also upset that the clerk refused to give her $5 for the movie.
Five O'Clock X-Set
Kerry chose Radio From Hell opening songs for the X-Set:
“I'm not going to Salt Lake City” - The Dwarves
“Down With The Sickness” - Richard Cheese
“Bumble-bee Tuna” - Mephiskapheles
Getting Older
Bill is looking forward to his old age. Mrs. Bill has promised to push Bill out into the sun while she gardens. Currently Bill just hides behind the bushes with his pants down as Mrs. Bill gardens.
Our Son Kyle
Kyle was once charged with DUI for sleeping in his car. Kyle was under the influence to the point that he didn't feel comfortable driving. He got in the car, put the keys in the ignition to listen to the radio and fell asleep. If Kyle had put his keys in the backseat, apparently there would not be a problem. Kyle appreciated the fact the Bill relayed this story on the air. He'll be spending the rest of the day replying to the text messages his ward sent to his phone.
Margaret Ruth
Be sure to get married before you are 28 – otherwise your boobs will sag to the floor. CONDOMS! are good things, but you have to work them. They're not so good with butter, salt, and pepper.
Soylent Green
Gina only eats Egyptian soylent green. Kerry was under the impression that if it was green, it was very unhealthy.
Unforgettable Quote
“She was no breath freshener, I can tell you that right now.” - Bill Allred
Embarassing Moments
Sue and Mrs. Bill came in to answer embarrassing questions about Bill and Kerry. Joe wouldn't come in. He was worried that people wouldn't understand his thick Egyptian-Kansas City accent.
Bill
Mrs. Bill makes Bill keep his long hair.
Bill has awoken to find Mrs. Bill standing over him with a kitchen knife
Bill does something with his lips when he gets frustrated and is looking for words that drives Mrs. Bill crazy.
Bill enjoys doing the cooking because it gives him some along time with his alcohol and sharp knives.
Mrs. Bill sounds hot.
Bill is an ass-man.
Bill tried to get some dinner reservations recently by using a “Don't you know who I am”, but it failed miserably.
Bill is a cautious driver.
Bill rants in the shower instead of singing.
Bill enjoys saltines and milk. Sometimes he butters the saltines.
Mrs. Bill sometimes learns about her vacations when listening to the show.
Bill used to have a mullet.
Mrs. Bill doesn't know The Wendover story. The Wendover Story will never be told on the radio.
Bill scratches his package and sniffs his fingers while watching TV. Bill wasn't aware that Mrs. Bill even noticed.
Mrs. Bill and Bill will be getting a divorce in the near-future.
Kerry
Kerry loves butch semi-lesbian-esque women.
Sue's boobs are Kerry's favorite part of Sue.
Kerry spends a great deal of time (near 45 minutes) reading in the bathroom.
Kerry “snot-rockets” in the shower and occasionally forgets to clean it up.
Kerry really enjoys watching America's Funniest Home Videos. He hates the jokes, but he loves the kitty videos and the videos where kids fall on things.
Kerry needs to use the “Don't you know who I am” more often.
Kerry has totaled 4 cars. Kerry has been in 2-3 other accidents. Kerry has received a myriad of tickets. Kerry is still a better driver than Sue. Sue disagrees.
Sue and Kerry will be getting a divorce in the near-future.
Kerry used to have a mullet.
Gina
Gina's boobs are asexual.
Gina would not be sexy in a “Slave Leia” outfit.
Joe is a secret sniffer.
Replacement Show
Next week the show will be replaced by Simmon's latest morning show, Mornings With Snot-rocket and Sniffer.
2. “Bill Jones Did Not Comment Because He is One”: U.S. Representative Jo Ann Emerson (R-MO) sent a letter to constituent Bill Jones that proceeded as a typical form letter until the last line which read, “I think you're an asshole.” Rep. Emerson doesn't know how the line was added to the letter and apologized. Mr. Jones refused to comment.
(View Story)
3. “She Put Them Things In her Hidey-Hole”: A woman in El Salvador tried to sneak a grenade and marijuana into a prison by placing it in her vagina.
(View Story)
The grenade sneaking woman is Boner of the Day.
Unforgettable Quote
“It smells funny, but it works.” - Kerry Jackson
Jeff Vice
The Sentinel is just like “24”. Why pay for it? Completely suspense free. 1.5 stars.
Friends With Money is a lot of rich people and one poor person whining about their problems. The cast is good, but the movie has been done better. 2 stars.
American Dreamz is painfully unfunny. It has a funny premise, but it really, really sucks. 1 star.
Adam and Steve is a gay comedy that begins with a joke about explosive diarrhea joke and goes downhill from there. Chris Katan is the least annoying character. 1 star.
Lonesome Jim has a little lowkey charm. 2 stars.
Metal: A Headbangers Journey is a documentary by an anthropologist that discusses the fans of metal music and the people who hate metal music. It's extremely well done. 3.5 stars.
Neglected News
Nick Latchey opened up and explained that he was told when his marriage was over. He and Jessica Simpkins used to enjoy farting contests. After their one-year onion, Jope Simpkins told him the marriage was over by causing a rift. They he cried a manly cry.
“No More F*cking Abba”
Gina and family are going to Las Vegas to see Mama Mia, even though they have already seen it once. Now they are going as “Mom & Daughters.” Bill suggests that they go down and see that Bobby Glands instead.
Woman of Mystery
Gina truly is a woman of mystery. After deciding to extend the show until 2:30pm to accommodate Candace and her desire to hear the Las Vegas stories, Kerry, Bill, and Gina decided to send Richie to the Hires for lunch. Gina told Richie to just ask one of the car hops for “Gina's usual.” Any car hop? Yes. Any one of them. He did so, and they knew what she wanted; hamburger combo meal with ketchup only, and a vanilla coke. Now Joe knows that Gina has been sneaking behind Joe's back.
Mistaken Identity
Because Gina is staying late, she needs to pump at the studio. She'll have to store the milk in the refrigerator until she can take it home. Bill won't mind as long as she labels it. He doesn't want to get it mixed up with his bull semen sample.
Weekend Update
Bill used to a weekend update on Friday afternoons. It always ended with “You Kids Stay Off My Lawn!!!” Since he started complaining about dogs crapping on his lawn, he no longer has the problem. Kerry thinks that it is because of advances in technology. His dog leash has plastic bags put right into the handle.
Kerry's I-Audio
Kerry doesn't have an iPod like Todd, but he does have a cheap Korean knock-off. Kerry played “Ghost Town” by The Specials.
Dreamweaver
F.O.P Andrea had a dream about Bill. It was the day after they had been talking about “dutch ovens.” She was in a field with a bonfire, and teepees, and Indians all around. There was a huge pig roasting in the fire. Suddenly, an Indian hit her in the back of the head with the lid of a dutch oven. She turned around and then Bill was coming towards her on one of those cheap saucer-style sleds. Bill swooped by and grabbed Andrea, rescuing her from a dutch-oven death. Bill then whipped the air and they were carried off by invisible beasts of burden. Kerry met Andrea at the F.O.P.U.C.O.P social and thinks she is pretty hot. Kerry would like it if he could arrange for him to be in the dream next time; dressed in a clown suit and riding a tricycle? Andrea wouldn't mind, as long as she got to take the clown suit off.
Gina likes to cast her dreams with celebrities. She can't make them do what she wants, but she can put the celebrities she wants in them. She make a mistake though with Willie Aames. Kerry keeps trying to get Joan Jett in his dreams, but he can't and it pisses off his wife. Kerry's wife doesn't mind his appreciation of other women, but he only seems to like lesbians. Kerry tries to explain to his wife that Joan isn't a lesbian, but she isn't buying it.
Pumping
Gina pumped, but not very successfully. She couldn't concentrate with the sports guys walking around outside the prize closet. Bill doesn't have a problem with that. He doesn't need to concentrate. He drives down I-15 listening to the The Zone. That or he likes to pump before work to wake himself up. He does need noise though because of that year he spent in prison. Kerry needs quiet and likes pumping after work. It makes him tired.
Skillet
Kerry's wife won't let him feed his pet squirrel Skillet anymore. She's afraid that he'll learn to use the doggy door. Plus, Kerry saw that Skillet had formed a gang with six other squirrels. Kerry's dad is also having animal troubles. He has a bunch of Canadian geese that are chasing him and the dog. Bill wondered if Kerry could train his squirrels to kill the geese. Bill was attacked by squirrels, why not the geese.
Kerry's I-Audio
Mike Doughty – Looking at the World From The Bottom of a Well. (legal download here.)
Marriage Trouble
Kerry's wife is getting a real job. She's no longer going to be super-mom for Jonesie. Because she's going to be working, she needs her sleep and Kerry snores too much. They're gonna try sleeping in separate beds for the next four weeks. Kerry thinks this might be the beginning of the end. Gina thinks that they'll be fine. They'll just be one of those couples with separate beds. Kerry also thinks it might help with the afternoon sex that he prefers. His wife prefers morning sex. Bill prefers morning sex as well. Not the 3:30am sex, but the weekend morning sex.
Courtesy
Speaking of courtesy, Bill tries to clear his gas before getting into bed, or, if he thinks there will be a problem, he takes a little medicine. Unfortunately Bill is “active” when he sleeps. While on a plane trip to Europe with two of their friends, Bill, Mrs. Bill and their friends were all bumped up to first class. Bill had a few drinks and fell asleep. When he woke up, his friend was cheering him on saying, “Way to go Bill!” Bill now takes medicine whenever he is traveling.
(Author's note: I'll do my best to get the rest of today's extended show notes up ASAP)