Radio From Hell Blog

RFH - 2010-01-05

2010-01-05T20:09:28Z

BING!!!
Whilst Bill was introducing the Radio From Hell Show, Avatar went on to make another $10,000,000. Everytime a bell rings, Avatar makes another million. Kerry still hasn't seen the movie, which shocked Bill. He really wanted Kerry to see it. It has no plot, nor characters, but it's 240 minutes of pretty landscapes. Kerry just really isn't excited about it. He read a side-by-side comparison of the movie with Disney's Pocahontas and it seems to be identical. Another reason is that Sue has decided that she doesn't want to go to the movies anymore. She and Kerry have a great movie set-up at home. Why go and watch the movie with other people? Neither Gina nor Bill understood that at all; the movie theater is a wonderful escape from the home life. Gina can never watch a two-hour movie without being interrupted by the children. She just loves to go to the theater and spend her eight-dollars on popcorn and enjoy the solitude.

Hello? Yeah? What?
Shannon is too loud. Jeff Vice is a mouth breather. Radio From Hell signed a new contract. The Zone won the fundraiser with a $100,000 check, but X96 did beat the station with the never-ending soft hits. Bill likes to prick his eggs with his egg-pricker, then put them into boiling water for 10 minutes. After that, he runs them in cold water until they are room temperature; they peel easily. The United States has the best health-care system in the world. After all, if you're suffering from abdominal pain, and need a surgery, and your insurance carrier won't pay for it because it's a "pre-existing condition" you can always win a contest on X96 and pay for it yourself. Kerry is now the leader of the "League of Retards" in his new Captain America hoodie. "That 'A' doesn't stand for France!" Joining Kerry is Jeff Vice in his Spiderman Ski Hat.

Boners (brought to you by white chicken chili)
1. "911? I Need a Ride to The Medicine Store" A Florida man called 911 claiming that he had been beaten and people were shooting at him. When police arrived at the scene, he asked to be taken to another bar. After kicking an officer, the man was tasered and arrested for abusing emergency services.

2. "Stop Eating That Apple": A Lindon Man, stopped by police for suspicious activity, was found to be eating an apple in his car. The attending officer noticed a burnt residue on the apple and suspected that the man had been using the apple to smoke marijuana. When the officer requested that the suspect stop eating the apple, the suspect turned his back and started eating at a more rapid pace. The officer then removed the man from his car and tasered him into submission. He was charged with drug paraphernalia possession, resisting arrest, and tampering with evidence.

3. "You Ain't Gonna Tase Me": Florida officers arrested Jorge Garcia and charged him with child neglect after he attempted to use his child to shield himself from an officers stun gun. Police found Mr. Garcia in the road yelling obscenties as they stopped another vehicle. When officers approached, he returned to his car and refused to get out. An officer brandished a stun gun and Mr. Garcia held up the infant and told officers to "Tase the baby."

Jorge Garcia is Boner of the Day

Bill Frost
Better Off Ted is a great show, but nobody is watching. ABC will be burning off two episodes each Tuesday. Life After People stars Peter Ustinov as he sits in the Library of Congress with his broken glasses. Modern Family stars Benjamin Bratt as Manny's father. Ugly Betty has moved to Wednesday. Ghosthunters International. That show stinks. They won't find Hitler's ghost as they investigate a floating moustache in Vienna (it was Charlie Chaplin all along). Nip/Tuck is nearly over. Dollhouse starts its final three episodes. Stacy London lies through her jeans. Shopko sells Stacy London jeans and volt testers. Battlestar Galactica: The Plan. Big Love premiers. Roman Grant is mobile. Nicki is terrible. Chakotay owns a casino. The Praying Mantis is leaving the show. Bill is running for the Utah Senate because The LORD told him to.

New Promo
"It's Kerry, Bill, and Buck the Truck-Driver on X96."

Opening Song
"Jesus Stole My Girlfriend"

Traffic Sign-offs

'Gorey and slippery?' Reminds me of my time in Poughkeepsie.

Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, when's it all going to end?

Gina's Sign-off
"I'm lilt-less."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5326
Days until contract expiration: 1182
Edition 1094 of Atropos' blog.
Day 94 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 308 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Jake of the Web - 2010-01-05

2010-01-05T13:16:08Z

Questions? Suggestions?
jakeoftheweb@gmail.com
www.jakeoftheweb.com

http://books.google.com/books/serial/ISSN:0199574X?rview=1&lr=&sa=N&start=0
Old 'World News' copies on Google Books! Fun even if you just through and read the covers

http://www.toxel.com/inspiration/2008/09/15/pedestrian-street-art-by-peter-gibson/
Pedestrian Art - stencil art interacting with road lines and crosswalks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqdZFuGt1I4
Surveilance video of a guy throwing his bicycle at two people on a scooter - apparently purse snatchers in the process of escaping from their latest crime.

http://www.olympusbioscapes.com/gallery/2009/
Microscopic photography contest winners.

http://www.tomscott.com/weather/starwars/
Real-time weather descriptions of various earth-bound locations comparing them to Star Wars locales.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWR0_0YaEzI
A-Team intro / Star Wars mashup

RFH - 2010-01-04

2010-01-04T20:50:20Z

Happy Birthday Jonesie!

They Have Returned
Today's show is live. Still doubtful? Listen to that. Hear it? It's the sound of tumbleweeds blowing through the office. Bill barely managed to get into the studio today past the Volvo-sized weed blocking the door.

Have a Growlie New Year
Bill has rabbits. Too many rabbits. They're starting to stink the place up. And they're horny. And they're loud. Bill and family have fostered a number of rabbits, but never rabbits that made noise.

Ass-less?
Whilst on vacation, Bill completely ignored his schedule for several days. Finally, last Wednesday, he thought to take a look. It was fortunate that he did or he might not have appeared on the TV for an end-of-year wrap-up show on The Vanocur Group. After the show, he checked his e-mail for any feedback on his appearance. One e-mailer thought that Bill had worn leather pants on the show. That was ridiculous. First of all, Bill was wearing black jeans. Second, Bill doesn't own leather pants. Third, Bill would never, ever wear leather pants. The e-mailer thought it would have been highly inappropriate to wear leather pants on the show, and somehow equated this with wearing ass-less chaps. Kerry and Gina agreed that ass-less chaps would have been inappropriate, but leather pants?

Kerry never owned a pair of leather pants. He once had a friend who swore that they helped him get chicks, so Kerry tried on a pair. After about 5 seconds of intense sweating, Kerry decided that they were not for him.

Over the vacation, Gina finally gave up on her leather pant dreams. She had a pair of old suede, camel colored pants hanging in the closet. She took them out to Joe and told him that she was giving up on ever fitting into the pants again and was giving them to the DI.

In other news, Gina did not train for her half-marathon during the holiday vacation.

Boners (brought to you by chicken burritos)
1. "I Am So Sleepy": A guard at Riker's Island prison has been suspended for 30 days after being photographed whilst sleeping by another guard whilst an inmate posed for the photograph nearby.

2. "You'll Eat It and Like It": Elsa Benson of Kerrville, TX was charged with abusing 911 after she called the emergency number more than 30 times within a six-month period. She was finally arrested after she called 911 to report that her husband refused to eat his dinner. Ms. Benson had previously called to report that she couldn't find her clothes and that her dogs had gotten loose.

3. "You're Not Santa": A drunken 19-year-old woman in Indianapolis, on her way into a Pacers basketball game, pulled the beard off a posing Santa, and then pulled the hair off of his head. Police saw the woman take a photograph of the Santa before attacking him then laughing as she entered the arena. Officers found a bottle of vodka hidden in her shirt.

The 911 abuser is Boner of the Day.

The Things That Wouldn't Leave
For six very, very, very, very long days, Kerry's home was filled with children and their parents. That is much too long for a visit. What is even worse is all of the things they left behind. First, the advent calendars, filled with chocolate crumbs, dumped behind the television, the long black hairs embedded in the bar of soap in Kerry's bathroom. Then, for the coup de grâce, five full diapers wrapped up and left outside the back door.

Indefensible
Gina's not going anywhere near the new Dubai tower. It's too big and she doesn't trust it. Sure, the chances of anything happening are infinitesimal, but the chances are zero if she doesn't go near it. By the way, clean houses don't burn up in fires. Gina's contractor, Phil, who is also a fireman, told her that. Phil called in to report that they do say that, "clean houses don't burn," even though it is an indefensible statement. It's just something they say. Speaking of things that are just said, but not defensible, Radio From Hell is the #1 radio show in the entire country. Sean Hannity can suck it.

Traffic Sign-off
"The most important thing you can learn is to quit while you are a head."

Gina's Sign-off
"I don't have any flaky paint."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5325
Days until contract expiration: 1183
Edition 1093 of Atropos' blog.
Day 93 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 309 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

RFH - 2009-12-22

2009-12-22T20:20:22Z

Opening Song
"¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?" - Little Augie Rios

Boners
1. "James Cameron is a Man's Man": When James Cameron imagines an alien, he pictures something so bizarre and different from human beings. As he was designing the Na'vi for his new movie, Avatar, however, he couldn't go too far out. He asked himself, "Would you want to do her?" As a result, the 'eliens are a more more feminine.

2. "That's a Racial Slur?" A teacher at the Mount Ogden Junior high school has come under fire after she referred to an African-American student as "a lazy monkey." The student's mother felt that the name calling was racially motivated and contacted the school. The school has apologized.

3. "Hey! We're on Break": Two Emergency Medical Technicians have been suspended without pay after they refused to help a pregnant woman who collapsed because they were on a break. When the woman collapsed at a Brooklyn coffee shop, witnesses report that Jason Green and Melissa Jackson were asked to help the woman, but rebuffed the requests and told them to call 911. The woman died a short time later, and her baby was too premature to be saved.

The allegedly negligent EMTs are Boners of the Day.

A Kiss From A Gina
Last night, Gina discussed the chartiable kissing proposition with her husband, Joe "Babe" Jones. In fact, she even practiced the three-second kiss with him and discovered that a three-second kiss is not just a peck. It's a good kiss. After the discussion, however, Joe gave his blessing to the charitable act, even though he won't be able to take the $1,500 as a tax-deduction. In desperation, Gina call The Sainted Mary Claire, hoping that someone, somewhere would give her a good excuse to back out of the deal. No dice. Even Mary Claire thought it wasn't a big deal and that the $1,500 would do a lot of good for a lot of people.

The final nail in the coffin came from Presiding Bishop of The LDS Church, Bishop Burton, who could not conceive of a better reason for a kiss.

Tune in at 8:00am tomorrow for the results.

Unforgettable Quote
"I am hot for Santa." - Gina Barberi

Unforgettable Quote #2
"I think you have beautiful nostrils." - Bill Allred

A Traditional Prayer
"Crom! Grant me my revenge and slay Christmas! And if you do not, to hell with you!"

Gina's Sign-off
"There's the hot Santa."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5323
Days until contract expiration: 1196
Edition 1091 of Atropos' blog.
Day 80 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 323 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Ear Candling is Stupid and Dangerous

2009-12-22T17:43:59Z

No, really it is. You're wrong. It's stupid and dangerous:

http://www.quackwatch.com/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/candling.html

Punk's Movie Review and Junk Food Update

2009-12-22T13:21:42Z

Because nothing says Christmas like seeing a lot of red it’s VAMPIRE PARTY!!

View the full review as well as a German language trailer @ http://punksmovies.livejournal.com!

Jake of the Web - 2009-12-22

2009-12-22T13:14:44Z

Questions? Suggestions?
jakeoftheweb@gmail.com
www.jakeoftheweb.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_K4mAD8xnc
Recommended by Kerry
A woman crying at the end of Return of the Jedi. And her devious husband who films it.

http://buuurn.com/
Recommended by Pete
Another delightfully simple site, where there is a single red button for you to push when somebody gets, uh, burned (in a metaphorical way).

http://www.jakeoftheweb.com/2009/12/jeep-electronica.html
Jeep Electronica - a group of friends "plays" a noisy old jeep; electric door locks, sparks from jumper cables, slamming doors, seat adjusting, it's all part of the song. Wait until about 1:00 for it to hit its stride.

http://wtfcomcast.tumblr.com/
Recommended by Kerry

Snoop Hood:
The Ghetto can be a scary place. And thanks to Snoop Dogg, it's about to get even scarier. Snoop Dogg brings us three tales of terror from the hood featuring Billy Dee Williams, Method Man and Jason Alexander. They'll scare the shizzle out of you.

The Seventh Sign:
The signs of the apocalypse from the Book of Revelation seem to be coming to pass. A young woman (Demi Moore) thinks they're real and her unborn child is in peril. Honey, if it's the Apocalypse, we're all in peril, okay?

I Know Who Killed Me:
Lindsay Lohan stars as a young woman abducted and tortured by a serial killer. At the hospital, Lindsay becomes disoriented and delusional, claiming she's not who they think she is. Sometimes art really does imitate life.

http://www.androlib.com/android.application.info-fidogames-apps-talktome-zwnB.aspx
Recommended by James Snyder
Speak into this application, and it will transcribe and translate what you say into any of a dozen languages, as well as from those same languages back into english. Currently for TheDroid only.

http://www.90smusicvidz.com/
Recommended by Pete
Remember 80s music vids? Here's its younger brother.

RFH - 2009-12-18

2009-12-18T19:36:18Z

I Hate When Mommy and Daddy Fight
Yesterday, Bill was on location in Centerville. He had at least 15 people come up and ask to by a Radio From Hell Daily Quote calendar, but there were no calendars to be had. As such, Bill wanted to make sure he had some with him at all times, so he asked Richie to put 10 or so in a bag and place it on his desk. Richie agreed, but was quick to remind Bill that he would then be responsible for the calendars...... um....... well..... It was a good thing that Richie informed Bill of this. Bill was going to just take the calendars and pocket the money!!! Richie was just trying to.... Bill knows! Bill knows! He's responsible! Screw it! Keep your damned calendars! What the hell did Richie think Bill was going to do with them!? God!

The Wendover Story
It happened. The Wendover Story is out in the wild. Bill swore he would never tell it. He's never even told the story to Mrs. Bill. Bill could not, however, turn his back on a $1,000 donation to The Road Home. During his remote, Bill entered the Honesty Booth and told the generous F.O.P the entire tale... The F.O.P's response? "We're all human."

Bill pulled out the ten $100 bills and showed it off. Gina commented that she had never even seen $1,000 in cash before. Bill quickly surmised that she had never been hit with $1,000 either, and promptly remedied the situation.

Boners
1. "We'll Get To It": A Florida motorist driving by the site of a accident reported the incident to dispatchers at 911 from a nearby 7-11 payphone. The caller was unable to give exact directions to the site, much to the frustration of the dispatcher. More that 16-hours later, another 911 call was placed reporting the same accident. When police arrived, they found that the driver had been able to climb out of the vehicle, but died while waiting for assistance.

2. "I Wanna Be With Daddy": A four-year-old in Tennessee was found, with an open beer in hand, stealing unwrapped Xmas presents from underneath the tree of a neighbor. The mother of Hayden Wright has no idea how the he obtained a beer or how he was able to get out of the house. She claims to have awoken (come-to) at 1:45am and panicked when she was unable to find the child. She claims that Hayden frequently attempts to run away to be with his father, who is in jail.

3. "HOOTERS!" A high-school music teacher in Arizona has been placed on leave after she took 40 students to a post-concert meal at a nearby Hooters restaurant. The teacher, Mary Segall, claims that no other restaurants were able to accommodate a group of that size. School officials disagree.

The slow, slow, slow, slow, slow 911 dispatchers and police are Boners of the Day.

The Painful Circle
Bruce says, live fast, die young, don't engage in premarital sex, Kid. Bruce says, you need a strong male figure to raise your children, Kid. Bruce says, give up hope, Kid. Bruce says, merry, merry Kiddo. Bruce says, if you're not married, don't have sex for nine-months, Kid. Bruce says, after 40, Kiddo, you gotta have more than sexual attraction. Bruce says, he hates you because his wife is listening. Bruce says, merry, merry Kiddo. Bruce says, there's no cheese down that tube, and you're a mouse, and your problems are a trap.

Unforgettable Quote
"Cash wrapped in panties is romantic!" - Kerry Jackson

Unforgettable Quote #2
"Of course I'm happy! I got a jug of 'shine!" - Bill Allred

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose Sarah Palin and her bill-skipping ways as Boner of the Week.

Traffic Sign-offs
* "So many men, so few who can afford me."
* "God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends."

Gina's Sign-off
"I wanted to do Bill's gushing thing, but I forgot."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5321
Days until contract expiration: 1200
Edition 1089 of Atropos' blog.
Day 76 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 327 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

RFH - 2009-12-17

2009-12-17T20:31:08Z

Gifts A'Givin
The Allred family has a tradition of giving homemade gifts. Bill still hasn't made his. He knows what he is going to do, but he hasn't had time to get it done. Kerry has one more gift to get, but he can't find it and may have to switch to "Plan B." Gina has all of her shopping done, but now she has to divide out the items into birthdays and Xmas presents. All three of Gina's children have birthdays within the next couple of weeks. Apparently Gina is only fertile in the month of March, which does explain the odd smell each spring.

A Holiday Message From Crom
"Crom laughs at you silly humans, spending your treasure to honor an infant too weak to lift a sword."

Boners (brought to you by recurring ribs)
1. "Grandma Sleeps Like the Dead": A elderly woman in North Carolina lay dead in a bed for eight months, even though four other people lived in the house and caretakers made daily visits to the home and kept the house clean. Authorities were finally alerted when another resident called 911 and reported that Blanche Matilda Roth had stopped breathing. Officials are investigating the death.

2. "Don't you know who I am?": Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has apologized after he called a flight attendant "a bitch" on a flight from New York to Washington, D.C. Mr. Schumer was talking on his cellular telephone and refused to turn the phone off when directed by the flight crew. He finally complied with the order, but muttered "bitch" under his breath as he returned to his seat.

3. "The Peeper Escapes" Police responded to a lewdness call and arrested Phuong Le who was, allegedly, using a cellular phone attached to his shoe to record "upskirt" videos. Mr. Le. began to complain of breathing problems whilst in the back of the police cruiser. The officer driving the car pulled over and exited the car in order to assist the suspect. Meanwhile, Mr. Le had managed to slip out of his handcuffs and squeezed himself into the small opening between the front and and backseat. When the officer opened the driver's door to recapture the suspect, he was punched in the face and Mr. Le drove away. A high speed chase ensued, but Mr. Le eventually lost control of the car and crashed into a light pole and a ditch.

Senator Schumer is Boner of the Day.

Ask a Little Chocolatier
Steve Hatch is the owner and operator of Hatch Family Chocolates in Salt Lake City. Mr. Hatch is also a little person or a dwarf. He is 3'9" tall. His wife, Katie, is slightly taller at 4'1. Early in his working life, Steve found that he was a lousy employee and didn't want to work for other people. After he met Katie at a little persons convention, his fate was sealed. Katie had gone to pastry school and became a certified pastry chef. She always dreamed of opening a dessert bar. Steve's family had some experience with chocolates, so they combined the two and Hatch Family Chocolates was born. Some of the people who come into the store are not very bright. They believe that all of the display cabinets have been made smaller to accomodate their shorter stature. Not true. The display cases and shelves are all standard height. The only thing that has been lowered is the cash register. The Hatch's hand dip all of their chocolates, which creates a much thicker chocolate shell than the automated enrobing machines. When hand dipping chocolate - the temperature is not as important as the texture. The best texture is created by heating the chocolate to 120 degrees, then dropping it back down to 80, then back up to 85 or 90 for actual dipping. Steve and Katie are unable to get individual health insurance because their dwarfism is considered a "preexisting condition." As a gift, The Hatch's recreated the Radio From Hell Univiersity mascot, The Lunging Weasel, from chocolate and white chocolate.

Jeff Vice
Anti-Christ is about a husband and wife who lose their child, then go to a cabin in the woods for some good ol' family genital mutilation. The only notably watchable moment is when a fox appears for no reason and says, "Chaos reigns." 0 stars.

Me and Orson Welles features an absolutely remarkable performance of Orson Welles by English stage actor Christian McKay. There is some kind of love story with Zach Effron and Claire Danes, but it really doesn't matter. McKay steals the entire movie. 3 stars.

The Road is the feel-good movie of the season! A father and son learn the true meaning of Christmas as they search for food and shelter in a post apocalyptic world. Hilarity ensues when the wacky friends and relatives show up to make the father and son a nice holiday feast! 3.5 stars.

Did You Hear About The Morgans? No. 1 star.

Up in The Air is a good movie made from a not-very-good novel. Clooney plays a freelance "hatchet man" who fires people for big corporations. He spends more than 300 days a year traveling, and likes it that way. The third act falls apart a little bit, but it's still a very good movie with a great cast. 3.5 stars.

Avatar is visually stunning, but eye-straining at 160 minutes. The action scenes are astounding. Unfortunately, it has very little to provide in the way of original story telling. It might as well have been called "Dances with Fern Gully." 2.5 stars (Atropos' guess).

Gina's Sign-off
"I ate a chocolate weasel."

Traffic Sign-off
"Don't believe everything you read in comic books."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5320
Days until contract expiration: 1201
Edition 1088 of Atropos' blog.
Day 75 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 328 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sawing Logs

2009-12-17T19:25:44Z

Dear Kerry, Bill, Gina, Richie, and Constant Readers,

Since February 9, 2005, I have been the mildly faithful archivist of The Radio From Hell Show. I've documented nearly 3,300 Boner Candidates and have attempted to translate close to 1,100 episodes of comedic genius to the written word. Looking back on my early attempts, I can only hope that my writing abilities have improved with time. Authoring recaps of the show truly has been an enjoyable hobby, and I thank you for the opportunity. I am, however, ready to pass the torch to some other faithful friend - or into the ether - as Radio From Hell sees fit.

Over the past year, it has been obvious to me that my enthusiasms for this task have waned. Though I still enjoy the show as much as I ever have, the endeavor of committing it to the Internet on a daily basis has become tiring, and the lack of vigor with which I write has become evident in the quality of my work. Part of it may be the fact that I rarely, if ever, receive any feedback on the blog - ever since the unfortunate scare-mail incident in December of 2007. Yet another cause may be my lack of ability to invent a new and humorous repudiation of the manner in which Gina dresses her pancakes. And the final factor may be that, after five-years, it just seems like an appropriate time for change.

As such, February 9, 2010 will be the final show recap I intend to author.

I am not convinced that the blog is still necessary for today's Radio From Hell. When I began the blog, there was no podcast. There were no personal blogs. There was no picture gallery. There was no Facebook. In 2005, the blog was the defacto home to immediate Radio From Hell materials, Boner photographs, celebrity pictures, significant Internet links, and more. It was the only place that F.O.Ps could discover the contents of a missed episode. This is no longer the case. Richie and his interns are able to post links, videos, photos, and other information on the X96 website with ease. F.O.Ps can quickly download the podcast and catch up with any shows they may have missed whilst on vacation. Now, Radio From Hell can directly interact with the audience using blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Geekshow.com, and the X96 chatroom. In truth, the only unique feature that the blog continues to provide is a text-searchable index of major Radio From Hell events.

I leave it to you to decide if and how the blog lives on after my stewardship.

In conclusion, it is not my intention to stop listening to or interacting with the program. I derive too much pleasure from graciously bearing Gina's off-color insults. My curiosity demands the honest and vulgarity laced answers from Kerry about the radio business and the occasional ass-hat guests. I revel in reliving my past attempts at levity when re-sending past-blog entries. And, finally, I would never miss the latest narration of "Millionaire Playboy" or "Watch Out For That Pie Truck!"

Once again, thanks to all of you for the opportunity to be a very small part of this fine radio program.

Thank you for letting me listen,

Atropos
December 16, 2009

RFH - 2009-12-16

2009-12-17T04:09:29Z

Opening Song
"Feliz Navi-Wad" - Aqua Teen Hunger Force

The Honesty Booth
Yesterday, Richie explained his Facebook experiment in which he was completely honest for 24-hours and would answer any question sent to him. It spawned the idea that perhaps Kerry, Bill, and Gina should be completely honest for $25/question - to raise money for The Road Home. Of course, Atropos thought to derail the plan by repeatedly mentioning the infamous Wendover Story. This was remedied by suggesting that Bill receive $1,000 for the notorious tale. Have $1,000 to donate to The Road Home? Hear the Wendover story. Contact Richie at richie@x96.com.

Boners (brought to you by...it doesn't matter)
1. "I'm Looking For the Huggin' Reindeer!": A drunken Santa Claus in Wisconsin stumbled out of vehicle in front of a family home, approached some children playing in the front yard, and told the children that he was looking for his reindeer. "Santa" was cited for public intoxication, and the driver of the car was charged with DUI.

2. "The Responsibility was Too Great": The designated driver for an employee holiday party in San Deigo has been charged with Driving Under the Influence and causing a fatal car accident. Michael Landri was arrested for vehicular homicide after he drove through an intersection and into a crossing car, causing both cars to burst into flames.

3. "We're Saving Money For a Run at the Presidency": When Sarah Palin visited Salt Lake City, she hired a local hairdresser to make her up before her appearance at The Costco. When Rhonda Halliday was finished with Ms. Palin's hair, the entourage left without paying, mentioning payment, or leaving a gratuity. In addition, Ms. Halliday was forced to pay for her own valet parking as she left the hotel. Ms. Palin's assistant has since been contacted and told Ms. Halliday to send an invoice.

Ms. Palin is Boner of the Day.

never take yourself too seriously, and mock those who do.

What Are You Talking about!?
For dinner last night, Bill made a lovely pasta with ricotta cheese, peas, and a few onions. His ungrateful little urchin children refused to touch it. They took a taste and prefered to go to bed hungry. Gina agreed with the children. "It's got stuff in it!" Even without seeing it, smelling it, or, god forbid, tasting it, Gina pronounced that the dish would be inedible. Gina recommended that Bill stick with making hot buttered noodles. Everyone likes hot buttered noodles!

Your List of Things That Must Go
People who don't clean up after their horses. Pimples near the nostrils. Ice on the windows in the morning. Having a garage not being a Constitutional right. The electronic traffic signs wishing driver stuck in traffic, "Happy Holidays." People who dress like Jared Leto. Richie haviing a girlfriend. People complaining about two cops pulling them over. "This place is chill." The dried milk at the top of the milk jug. Work e-mails sent in all caps, in bold, and in stupid colors. The nasty ketchup water when you forget to shake the bottle. The 6-year-old boy overheard saying, "Hubba hubba," every time "Edward" came on screen during the new Twilight movie. People who eat at their desk all day. People who sleep at their desk. Supervisors that know their employees are sleeping at their desk and do nothing about it. "Howdy." People who hover whilst you're on the telephone. Dr. Laura's e-mail of the day. Bill Allred voiced commercials during Dr. Laura. DVRs that delete all your shows and settings.

The Honest Booth II
After a discussion of Gina's few instances of being drunk, which Kerry finds cute and endearing, Bill refused to divulge how he felt about Gina and her drunkenness. Using the newly established Honesty Booth, Gina donated $25 to The Road Home, and Bill had to come clean. Honestly? Bill thinks that Gina gets unbelievably stupid when she drinks. Her emotions are on the surface, and Bill could easily, EASILY reduce Gina to a puddle of tears. It's a great power that comes with great responisbility - that Bill has never, and will never use.

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5319
Days until contract expiration: 1202
Edition 1087 of Atropos' blog.
Day 74 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 329 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

RFH - 2009-12-15

2009-12-15T20:07:21Z

Our Long National Nightmare is Over
Yesterday, after a long, long battle, Kerry, Bill, and Gina signed a new three-year contract with Simmon's Media Group. To celebrate, management took the show out for a nice lunch. Gina attempted to order her pepper steak, but found that it wasn't on the menu. A quick word to Samuel the waiter clearly demonstrated that The Chef knew who she was, and prepared her desired meal. Kerry ordered the Reuben sandwich. Bill? He ordered a Cobb Salad. In disbelief Gina exclaimed, "What are you? A woman!?" .......... No. Bill just enjoys a salad, the the Cobb salad with lobster meat sounded delicious. Samuel agreed. The Cobb salad is excellent. According to Gina, that makes Samuel a woman as well. Three more years of this, eh?

Boners (brought to you by sloppy janes)
1. "Great Big Gobs of Greasy, Grimey, Gopher Guts": A woman arrested in 2006 for smuggling monkey meat into New York City has been sentenced to probation. Mamie Manneh was arrested after customs agents found dozens of monkey parts hidden into crates of smoked fish. The judge went easy on Ms. Manneh because she is mentally ill and is caring for 11 children.

2. "Sorry about that Taliban": Stephen Venner, a new Anglican reverend overseeing the armed forces in Afghanistan, has apologized for his perceived praise of the Taliban. In an interview with The Daily Telegraph in London, Mr. Venner said, "There’s a large number of things that the Taliban say and stand for which none of us in the West could approve, but simply to say therefore that everything they do is bad is not helping the situation. The Taliban can perhaps be admired for their conviction to their faith and their sense of loyalty to each other."

3. "He Choked on a Bag of Pot": A Florida man died after trying to flee from police whilst consuming a large baggie full of marijuana. Andrew Grand ran from the scene of a domestic disturbance and fought with police as they attempted to restrain him. They managed to get one handcuff on Mr. Grand before he was able to get away. When police caught up with him again, they hit him with the stun gun as he attempted to feed container of illegal substance into his mouth. The man was found to be choking, and the officers attempted to clear the blockage with the Heimlich Maneuver. When they were unable, they took Mr. Grand to a local hospital where he was pronounced dead.

The pot-choking man is Boner of the Day.

What about the Salmon!?
To celebrate the Holiday's, Gina and the rest of The Sainted Mary Claire's brood all went to dinner. As is tradition, they went to Tuscany. They have new menus! They light up when you open them! Isn't that amazing! Gina spent the rest of the evening opening and closing the menu to see the light - just like she does with the refrigerator! Hey! Gina! Where's your purse? Richie!? Where are your keys? Are there still going to be salmon!?

Experimental Truth
Last week, Richie tried an experiment on The Facebook. He told everyone that he would be 100% honest for 24 hours. Anybody could ask him anything and he would answer in private. He received a myriad of questions. "What happened with Booster?" "Why were you disfellowshipped?" "Have you had a crisis of faith?" "What do you think about me?" "Are you gay?" "Have you thought about being gay?" "Have you really considered the gay lifestyle?" "Really? You're not gay?" "Are you sure you're not gay?"

Richie answered every question as honestly as he could. Some were kind of awkward, especially questions like "What do you think about me?" Kerry really doesn't believe in complete honesty - except as a weapon of last resort. It's like a nuclear bomb, and usually results in people crying with burnt and crackling flesh. Gina, on the other hand, is almost completely incapable of honesty. She would never say anything that might hurt somebody's feelings. In fact, she usually insults Bill by clearing up his honesty in company meetings.

Gina's Sign-off
"There's no crack in Crack Pie?"

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Traffic Sign-off
"Practice safe eating; always use condiments."

Episode #5318
Days until contract expiration: 1203
Edition 1086 of Atropos' blog.
Day 73 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 330 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Jake of the Web - 2009-12-15

2009-12-15T13:09:09Z

http://lmgtfy.com/
Recommended by John Stewart
"Let Me Google That For You"
For the less initiated friends of yours who think that you are the best at finding things online, show them who does all the heavy lifting.

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794889
Recommended by Ben aka Sport Intern
Facebook Updates if Star Wars characters used Facebook

http://www.sketchysantas.com/
Recommended by John Stewart
Scary, weird or funny looking santas - and lots of crying kids.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ-l5PlDa-k
REcommended by Nick Bowyer
World's biggest alarm clock.

http://www.officegamespot.com/officegames/appleshooter.htm
Recommended by Zac Mason
Virtual William Tell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpTqE-YMewQ
Recommended by Heather Henderson and Bill
Adam West is a Boner.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbgLapRAloQ
Recommended by Kerry
The Key of Awesome: Dark Knight parody/plot hole complaints.

RFH - 2009-12-14

2009-12-14T20:05:15Z

RFH - 2009-12-14

Impressive Start
This weekend, 100 F.O.Ps went bowling with Kerry, Bill, Gina, and Richie. It was also the first time the Radio From Hell 2010 Daily Quote calendar was for sale. They sold....um....well.....less than 100. Gina was originally planning to purchase one for her mother, The Sainted Mary Claire. After reading some of the filthy things she has said ("I didn't know that blowfish had testicles."), however, she's now re-thinking her gift idea.

Quite a Haul
When "The Dangler" is not interning, he makes a living as a semi-truck driver for Federal Express. Bill would really like to learn to drive a semi and become a long-haul trucker. He's always wanted to, but has a family which puts some restrictions on that particular career. Gina's husband, Joe, has also wanted to drive a truck, which is partially why he wanted a Xmas tree farm. Maybe Bill could drive with Joe? "Happy Habib's Hilarious Haulers?"

Boner (brought to you by Mexican chicken soup)
1. "What Are You Hiding?": Rachael Porcaro of Seattle, WA was audited by the IRS because she makes too little. Last Year, Ms. Porcaro, the 32-year-old mother of two, reported a little less than $19,000 of income from her $10/hour haircutting job. Ms. Porcaro couldn't understand why she was being audited, but the IRS explained that she couldn't possibly be making only $19,000 because people in Seattle couldn't make it on any less than $36,000 per year. Ms. Porcaro, who lives with her parents, enlisted the help of her father's accountant to clear up the matter. When the accountant pointed out the errors in the IRS' interpretation of tax law, the IRS then launched an audit of her father's business.

2. "I'm So Sorry I Was Doing That thing I was Sorry For the Entire Time I was Doing It": One of the mistresses of golfer Tiger Woods is sorry.

3. "Being Butt-Shot is My Own Business": A West Valley man who was shot in the buttocks by two armed thieves has refused to cooperate with police. After the two men broke into his residence and shot him, the victim called 911 - but refused to open the door when police arrived. A friend had to convince the man to open the door and go with police to a local hospital for treatment.

The IRS and their auditors are Boners of the Day.

Audition
Gina has an audition for a part in a movie. It's the part of a scout den mother. Gina, who has never been a den mother, and who was only in Girl Scouts long enough to get The Sainted Mary Claire a discount, isn't sure she'll fit the part. Bill isn't worried. Gina has always looked radiant in a kerchief.

Bill Frost
Psychic Kids aren't. Paranormal State isn't. 18 Kids and Counting += 1. Jay Leno's show is unwatchable and will become even less watchable with the appearance of Kate Goselin and Glenn Beck. Dexter ended with a satisfying splash. The networks are counting on viewers to be out of the house for the next month. Nothing good will be broadcast until mid-January.

Unforgettable Quote
"Turn on the hymenizer." - Bill Allred

Sign-off

"If life is just a game, I must have missed the kick off."

Gina's Sign-off
"I never opened my punch bowl."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5317
Days until contract expiration: 108
Edition 1085 of Atropos' blog.
Day 72 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 331 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

RFH - 2009-12-10

2009-12-10T22:26:37Z

The Good Life
Though Bill has often eaten food from the Russian deli, Luybochka, whilst getting his pedicure, he's never gone there to buy deli-meat until yesterday. He walked in and the proprietor gave him a sample of veal - deli meat. It was like "butter." Unfortunately, Bill could never take the murdered baby cow meat home with him, so he settled on some smoked bologna instead. When he awoke this morning, that's what he really wanted for breakfast. But, because he was in a hurry, he didn't make a very good sandwhich, and the making of it made him late, so it really wasn't very satisfying.

Unforgettable Quote
"Stop and smell the smoked bologna." - Kerry Jackson

Boners (brought to you by wostada Wednesday)
1. "Fox News: Figures Lie and Liars Can Figure": On November 23, 2009, Fox News sent out a memo indicating a zero-tolerance policy on false reporting. That policy, however, will not be applied to a December 4th broadcast of Fox and Friends. On that day, Steve Doocy called up a graphic displaying a recent poll asking if citizens thought that climate scientists had falsified information to bolster the case for global warming. The graphic showed "59% - Somewhat likely", "35% - Very likely", and "26% - Not very likely." Those numbers add to 120%.

2. "A Little Lovin' During the Dare Assembly": Two female teachers at New York's James Madison high school have been suspended from their duties after a janitor found them in a near-naked "romp" in an abandoned classroom during a school assembly. The janitor immediately reported the incident to school officials who reassigned the teachers whilst accusations of misconduct are reviewed.

3. "TSA: Pro and On The Job": Five employees of the Transporation and Safety Administration have been put on leave after a manual detailing the airline passenger screening process was posted online including sensitive information on what passengers were and were not screened, possibly dangerous items that could not be detected, and the limitations of the x-ray screening machines. The electronic manual contained black rectangles redacting some information, but the redaction boxes were easily removed using available software.

Fox News are Boners of the Day.

Ask An Atheist.
Joel Layton, the president of Salt Lake Valley Atheists, cannot be found in a foxhole. He's an atheist. He doesn't think the word accurately describes his lack of belief, but it's a quick way to get the point across. Atheists can be moral, without relying on the demon fear. Mr. Layton does not believe in ghosts, zombies, or an afterlife, but still finds scary movies scary. He also doesn't believe in elves, dragons, or hobbits, but thoroughly enjoyed The Lord of The Rings. What if he's wrong? What if you're wrong? What if anybody is wrong? The Muslims think the Christians are wrong. The Jews think the Muslims are wrong. The Buddahists think they're all wrong, but don't really care. What's the purpose of life? Why does there have to be a purpose? Perhaps we evolved as an advanced form of agriculture for worms and to give the world plastic.

Guitar Rock Hero Band
It was Bill's turn as lead vocalist for Radio From Hell. Singing Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire", he figured out about 1/2 way through how he was supposed to play the game. BIll didn't have as much trouble with pitch as Gina did, but had a lot of trouble with the tempo. He ended with a final score of 78%. Now Gina wants a rematch. Anyone have $100? You can pick the song she sings.

Jeff Vice
The Maid is a pseudo documentary about a hateful maid. Jeff didn't need to see the middle-age Chilean ladies in the shower. The final 1/3 falls apart. 2.5 stars.

Crude is a real documentary about the country of Ecuador after Texaco and subsequently Chevron finished raping the Amazon Rain Forest. The water quality is so terrible that the people can't drink it. In fact, a baby washed in the water immediately broke out in a rash. They refer to it as a kind of "Chernobyl"-level environmental event. 3 stars.

Invictus should be one of Jeff's favorite movies. It combines a biography film (Nelson Mandela) and a feel-good sports movie. Unfortunatley, Morgan Freeman's accent is terrible and distracting and the rugby portion isn't explained enough to let the average lay-person understand the game. Matt Damon nails the accent and is muscley. 2.5 stars.

The Princess and the Frog is a return to cell-animation for The Walt Disney Company. Largely thanks to John Lasseter of Pixar fame, it's high quality, with a good story, good music, and excellent voice actors. 3.5 stars.

I Can't Make The Duck Do Anything
Gina's foot is numb. Asleep? No. Numb. Really numb? Yes. Really numb. You could probably stomp on it and she wouldn't feel it, but don't. After some discussion, it was revealed that Gina still hadn't purchased proper running shoes (see The Radio From Hell Blog, April 25, 2005) for her half-marathon training.

Gina's Sign-off
"My foot's numb."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5315
Days until contract expiration: 112
Edition 1083 of Atropos' blog.
Day 68 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 335 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Ask an Atheist

2009-12-10T15:52:46Z

Post any questions in the comments.

RFH - 2009-12-08

2009-12-09T04:10:40Z

Best Question of the Week
"What do you know now that you wish you knew in high school?" Kerry isn't sure he'd really change anything. He is happy where he is now, and any change would modify that. If he had to, however, he'd probably use his knowledge of the future to confront the bullies that gave him grief. He'd remind them that high-school will be the high-point of their lives. After this it would be nothing but prison, drugs, addiction, divorce, and mewling brats. Gina would probably tell herself not to get that credit card right out of high school. The one she ran up to it's limit and spent years and years trying to pay off. Bill would like to have been able to make a living as a working actor in New York. He likes his current life, but that was a dream that he had to let go to get where he is now.

Boners (brought to you by green chili)
1. "Harry Reid Does It Again." Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) compared the road-blocking of the health care reform bill by Republicans to lawmakers who used the same kind of arguments to try and block the abolition of slavery and Women's Sufferage. Mr. Reid might have gotten away with the comparison if he had noted that it was Southern Democrats who used those arguments to try and block the end of slavery.

2. "Nazi's Have Taken Over My Homeowner's Association": Helene Ornstein was flabergasted when she looked out of her window to see a Nazi flag hung in the window of her neighbor. When confronted, Lisa Eldridge-Murphy told Ms. Ornstein that it wasn't anti-Jewish, but that she was trying to protest the actions of the homeowner's association, which she felt were unfair. Ms. Eldridge-Murphy feels that she is being discriminated against - just like the Jewish people in WWII. In an attempt to remedy the situation, Ms. Eldridge-Murphy clarified her protest, using a magic marker to write "H.O.A. Gastapo" on the swastika emblazoned banner.

3. "Yeah, That's Michael Jordan. We're Just in The Cheap Sheets" In a publicity move, the Utah Flash organization hinted that they would be featuring a half-time charity shootout between Byron Russell and Michael Jordan. Mr. Jordan did not show, and the sold-out crowd was not pleased with an unrehearsed and unfunny skit starring a fake "Somebody" Jordan.

The Utah Flash and their publicity stunt are Boners of the Day.

The Voice of an Ill-Formed Angel
Bill admits that he can't sing. He has an OK voice, but he quickly finds himself wandering off-key. Gina, however, can't stay on the right note for more than a second - as she demonstrated by trying to remind Kerry what Berlin's "Masquerade" sounded like. Gina agrees with Bill's analysis, but still believes that she could do OK on Guitar Rock Hero Band. The audience will find out tomorrow. Kerry's bringing in his microphone and will let Gina pick the song.

Gina's Sign-off
"Ma me mi mo mu."

Episode #5313
Days until contract expiration: 114
Edition 1081 of Atropos' blog.
Day 66 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 337 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

RFH - 2009-12-07

2009-12-08T19:54:25Z

Opening Salvo
When Bill walked in this morning, Gina saw that he was wearing a scarf. She asked Bill, "What are you? Harry Potter?" Bill should have answered with something clever like, "No. I'm Charles Dickens. Wanna see my figgy-pudding?" Instead, he just called her an offensive name. In honesty, Bill doesn't wear the scarff because he is cold. He wears it because his son made it for him from old cashmere sweaters.

Richie finished the Las Vegas marathon in 4 hours and 45 minutes. Bill thought it was a pathetic time. Richie disagreed. That's about average. Approximately 10 minutes per mile, and there were 11,000 people slower than he.

Boners (brought to you by clam chowder)
1. "The Lord Will Provide": In 2006, Estelle Walker lost her job. Instead of seeking a new job or state assistance to help care for her five children and herself, Ms. Walker placed her faith in a god. Ms. Walker's oldest sibling testified in court that, "We were supposed to wait for God to provide and that's what we did." The children went without food for 11 days. When police were finally summoned to the residence, the children were so malnourished they had trouble speaking.

2. "Yeah, She's My Girlfriend.": Senator Max Baucus (D-MT) saw nothing wrong with nominating his girlfriend for a position as U.S. Attorney. Ultimately, however, he was convinced otherwise. When asked if there should be an ethics investigation into the matter, Mr. Baucus answered that he saw no possible reason for such an action.

3. "It's The Great Muslim Charlie Brown": The mayor of Arlington, TN, Russell Wiseman, believes that Obama is a Muslim and intentionally broadcast his speech on the war in Afghanistan in order to preempt the annual broadcast of The Charlie Brown Christmas Special. On his Facebook page, Mr. Wiseman wrote, "We sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load... try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose."

Mr. Wiseman is ironically-named as well as Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
Men of a Certain Age will make you want to kill yourself, or maybe Ray Romano. Jersey Shore will make you want to kill yoruself, or maybe a guido. Better Off Ted is back. The Charlie Brown Xmas special will be re-aired without interruption from President Obama. Outerspace Astronauts is mildly funny. Glee is over until April. Always Sunny in Philadelphia finales. The League finales. That shiney werewoof from that sparkly vampire movie will be ruining SNL along with Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi was booked because Huey Lewis and The News was busy opening for Paul Revere and The Raiders in Wendover, NV. The Jacksons lament over the passing of their talented family member. Tit-o, Juarez, and Michelangelo are so broken up that they have to plan a reunion tour. Dexter has been excellent this season, and John Lithgow has been great.

They Grown on Trees?
Gina thinks that an "apple picking day" sounds like fun. Bill has been apple picking. Really!? Yes, Gina. They have these orchards with a lock box and an honor system. What keeps people from stealing them!? Nothing. That's why they call it "the honor system." There's really nothing keeping you from taking an apple and walking around the grocery store eating it. In fact, Bill usually does that with a bag of potato chips, but only when he's not shopping at The Smith's. They're on to his thieving.

Go! Go Little Yeasties!
This weekend, Bill and his friend (yes, he has a friend) Matt made beer. Matt used to be a brewer and Bill suggested that they should make a batch. Bill didn't think it was as complicated a process as it turned out to be. There were pots and apparatus filling Matt's kitchen. On the other hand, there was a lot of standing around and need for small talk, which is not Bill's strong suit. Fortunately, Matt provided some social lubricant and Bill did just fine.

Gina's Sign-off
"You have to make eye-contact with me if you want me to listen. Huh?"

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5312
Days until contract expiration: 115
Edition 1080 of Atropos' blog.
Day 67 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 338 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Punk's Movie Review and Junk Food Update

2009-12-08T13:15:50Z

Nothing says Christmas like HARDWARE!

That’s Right, You Can’t Stop Progress!

See the full review and a trailer for HARDWARE at http://punksmovies.livejournal.com!

Jake of the Web - 2009-12-08

2009-12-08T13:06:47Z

Questions? Suggestions?
jakeoftheweb@gmail.com
www.jakeoftheweb.com

http://izismile.com/2009/11/27/giant_santa_on_fire_9_pics.html

Brazillian Santa catches on fire and burns to the ground (some sort of paper mâché statue, not a real person).

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2009/12/be-goodor-else.html
Terrifying Santa Cakes

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2840850&op=1&view=all&subj=178313593434&aid=-1&auser=0&oid=178313593434&id=24718773587#/photo.php?pid=2840850&op=1&view=all&subj=178313593434&aid=-1&auser=0&oid=178313593434&id=24718773587&fbid=185006248587
A Sarah Palin look-alike at a Palin book signing. It is truly terrifying to me that anybody - particularly an adult woman - would choose Sarah Palin as a role model.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bmhjf0rKe8
A kitten apparently mimicking its owner, who tickles the kitten, and when she stops, the kitten lifts its hands into the air, mirroring her actions. Adorable, "Surprised Kitten" is the result.

http://www.treehugger.com/galleries/2009/12/the-unbelievable-world-of-snowflakes.php?page=1
Incredible hi-magnification photos of snow flakes.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=35179715
http://ny-image0.etsy.com//il_fullxfull.104759332.jpg
Emo Superfriends

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CoAQkK8NCE#t=0m14s
James Lipton is starring in a series of commercials encouraging discretion when it comes to text messages. He sets up each spot with a person being tempted to forward or send a viscous text message, at which point Lipton removes his beard and places it on the face of the protagonist, apparently granting them his own capacity and foresight. He finishes each with the tagline: "Before you text, give it a ponder."

RFH - 2009-12-04

2009-12-04T20:10:08Z

Innovation
Gina played Macgyver today. She forgot her deodorant, but was worried about her stench, especially after working out. In a moment of blazing serendipity, she put hand-sanitizer into the pit of her arm. Both Kerry and Bill thought it an ill idea that would likely not be good for the skin of her under arm. Bill would have been happy to loan her some deodorant, but Gina doesn't trust it.

Boners (brought to you by a hamburger)
1. "That Santa's Gonna Blow Up Real Good": A man in Morrow, GA was arrested after dressing as an elf and entering a mall to threaten a Santa with hoax explosives. William C. Caldwell III is being held without bail.

2. "Yeah. Yeah. You're a Veteran. We Get It": The United States' oldest Medal of Honor winner is under fire from a neighborhood association after he had a 21' flat-pole installed in his front yard. Colonel Van T. Barfoot, who won his Medal of Honor after standing up to three German tanks and using a bazooka to stop their advance, raises the American flag each morning and retires it each night. The association claims that the pole violates the neighborhood's aesthetic guidelines.

3. "Please Don't Distract Sarah With Your Pesky Questions": On Ms. Sarah Palin's book tour, organizers are being instructed to keep reporters out of the events. At a Wednesday speech at The College of the Ozarks, reporters were only able to gain access after obtaining the same free tickets distributed to members of the public. Upon hearing that reports had obtained tickets, organizers asked the reporters not to attend and not to report on Palin's address.

The flag-hating neighborhood association is Boner of the Day.

Dead Sexy
Kerry is practicing his sexy sleeping whilst Sue is out of town. He received his new CPAP that makes him look like The Cobra Commander from that other turd toy movie [author's editorial] from this past summer. It has two tubes up the nose and a twinkie looking thing in front of the mouth. Gina was concerned as to what Kerry might do if he had to urinate in the night............Kerry assured Gina that he could take the mask off, just like he will each and every morning.

The Painful Circle
Make sure you talk to your adopted father before just going off and striking up a friendship with the male donor of your DNA. An annulment is really just for piece of mind - and requires very specific circumstances. There is no such thing as married credit; all credit is individual. If your intended spouse has lousy credit, don't buy anything together, don't set up any joint accounts, and, for Dionysus' sake, don't let him/her touch the money! If, after 17-years of marriage, your spouse tells you that he doesn't love you any more, but you're welcome to stay because you have no place else to go, he's a douchebag and you're lucky to be rid of him. Lawyer-up and get all you can.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose today's Boner as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"Stay Care."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5311
Days until contract expiration: 118
Edition 1079 of Atropos' blog.
Day 64 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 341 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Best of 2009

2009-12-04T14:21:49Z

Remember any particularly entertaining moments from this year's Radio From Hell Show? E-mail the details you remember to atroposrfh@gmail.com or richie@x96.com. Also, if you have any favorite passages from The Radio From Hell blog, I'd be happy to hear about it. Thank you.

Atropos

RFH - 2009-12-03

2009-12-04T05:40:54Z

Opening Song
"New World Order" - Ministry

Movie Chat
Bill went to see 2012. It blows. It contains every disaster-movie cliche. The government knows everything, people die, the kids are saved, blah, blah, blah. Luckily, they happen to have a novel by the hero that nobody has purchased that saves the day! John Cusack is John Cusack. Oliver Platt is Oliver Platt. The arks are loaded two-by-two with animals. Huh? Yeah. Arks....Under the mountains in China.

Bill is not looking forward to the film version of The Road. It was the most depressing and terrible book that Bill has ever read. It was well written, but it was just unrelentingly dark. Gina disagrees. It was an excellent book with a message of hope.

Boners (brought to you by chicken and bok choy)
1. "We Know How To Handle The Gay Problem": The Ugandan parliament has proposed a law to punish homosexual sex with a minimum of life imprisonment. If one of the participants in the act is HIV positive or a serial offender a conviction would result in a sentence of death by hanging. In addition, citizens are required to report any homosexual activity or face up to three years in jail.

2. "Thieves Need Xmas Too": California thieves stole more than $100,000 in toys and food collected for homeless families from an underground storage. Twenty-five thousand dollars in new toys and more that 20,000 lbs. of food were stolen.

3. "We're Gonna Have to Review Our Booking Procedures": Authorities of the Texas criminal justice system will be reviewing their policies after a seemingly wheelchair-bound prisoner managed to pull a gun on two armed guards during a prison transfer then escaped on foot.

The members of the Ugandan parliament are Boner of the Day.

Ask a Movie Critic
No. Not Jeff Vice. No. Not Sean Means. Instead, it's Luke Hickman, who reviews movies on Theagle. Mr. Hickman has a website. Mr. Hickman took film and journalism classes at UVSC. Mr. Hickman has a website. Mr. Hickman doesn't care for most things. Mr. Hickman has a website. His three favorite movies are Vanilla Sky, Garden State, and The Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. Mr. Hickman has a website. He hated I Love You Beth Cooper. Mr. Hickman has a website. Richie is a better Mormon than Mr. Hickman. Mr. Hickman has a website.

Jeff Vice
Armored was not screened.
Transylmania was not screened and does not feature George Hamilton.
Brothers was not screened. Of course, the trailer gives the entire movie away. See the original Danish version, Brødre, instead.

Everybody's Fine is adequate. Like today's "Ask a...," it's fine. If it hadn't been for the stars, the movie would have been worthy of the Hallmark channel. 2 star.

The Messenger with Woody Harrelson and Ben Foster is really, really good. It's about the "Angel of Death Squads" that notify family members that their family members have been killed in action. Woody Harrelson should probably get at least an Oscar nomination for his performance. 3 stars.

Episode #5310
Days until contract expiration: 119
Edition 1078 of Atropos' blog.
Day 65 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 342 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

X-Poll: Al Gore or Meredith Baxter Birney?

2009-12-03T15:07:20Z

RFH - 2009-12-01

2009-12-01T19:39:17Z

Still Looking For a Woman!
Sysma, Radio From Hell's favorite alternative Italian rock-band with a 'S' in their name, wrote Gina another letter. Still trying to break into the American music market, Sysma has hired a new singer who apparently speaks English very fluently. It has ruined the band's sound. Kerry insists that she is just eye candy and that they should drop her immediately and continue looking for a more different woman. Gina was also disappointed that the new letter was not signed, "Stay care."

Boners (brought to you by a taco)
1. "This Coincidence Was No One's Fault, So You're Suspended": An electronic billboard in Alabama featured an advertisement for a local news program. The billboard featured the two anchors and the weatherman. The billboard also incorporated a live feed from the news station's Twitter account. Unfortunately someone posted, "Three accused of gang-rape in Monoreville," to the Twitter feed, which was picked up by the billboard. Passersby were able to snap photographs of the billboard, which seemed to some to indicate that the people on the billboard were so accused. Admitting that it was just a misunderstanding and coincidence, the station rationally suspended two employees for a week without pay.

2. "Y Fans. U Fans. You're All the Same." Pictures in today's Salt Lake Tribune and Deseret News show a BYU fan at the Saturday Game seeming to attack and grab the wife, as well as scare the daughter of University of Utah coach, Kyle Whittingham.

3. "I'm Calling For a Ban on Swiss Army Watches" The Government of Switzerland has unexpectedly banned the inclusion of minarets on Swiss buildings. Minarets are a piece of architecture typically found on Islamic mosques. The move is widely seen as an attempt by the far-right members of the Swiss government to crack down on the so-called "Islamisation" of Europe.

Fanatical football fans are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
Scrubs returns, without the stars. It's still mostly Scrubs. The liquor cabinet has been filled and the kitchen loaded with cast-iron pans for the return of The Bad Girls Club. Sons of Anarchy finales. It's a trashy show, but enjoyable. Henry Rollins will stare someone down. Steven Seagal is a Lawman, for reals. TruTV will show The Governator Jr., Jesse Ventura, in a new show called Conspiracy Theory which will get to the bottom of weather control, thermite paint (Author's note: Which is not explosive, but sounds impressive), and a host of other bat-sock. Jersey Shore shows the guidos and guidettes of New Jersey. If they don't like the stereotypes, they should change. Dollhouse starts to burn off their final episodes, two at a time. Monk is finally over. The Syphie channel has a new mini-series based on Alice in Wonderland. Watch Kathy Bates and Mr. O'Brien overact.

Best Question of the Week
"What TV show would you want to be trapped in for a month?" Kerry? Star Trek: The Original Series? No. Deep Space Nine of course! They have a bar, and holosuites, and Kerry can spend the month trying to get his quarters into Dax! Bill would like to be in Mad Men. He could take up smoking again and drink all day. Gina wouldn't mind being in Mad Men as long as that good looking Don Draper promised to cheat on his wife with her. Richie would really like to be on Glee, or maybe MASH, or, or, or.....better...After MASH.

8 Million Rules for Being a Gina
Gina lives her life by studies - as long as the studies back up her own preconceived notions of how the world should work. Gina has all kinds of weird rules. She won't eat anything home-cooked because there was an incident. She has a policy and she never breaks it, unless there is s'more pie - but fortunately Kerry and Bill were there to stop her. Gina doesn't care for carrot cake because it has vegetables in it. Dessert should never be made with vegetables, and rarely with fruit. Gina likes a chocolate cake, and even a white cake, as long as nobody put any of that damned raspberry jam inside of it. Jam is not for dessert; it's for toast. OH! OH! Do you know what Gina tried? Joe brought home some "Lemon Curd" and made Gina try it. He was pretty sure she wouldn't like it because it had "curd" in the name, but Gina really liked it! It was really good! Gina just thinks that they should change the name to "Lemon Spread", which was Bill's favorite vaudeville dancer. Nancy Grace apologizes for "the incident", but he really though they would enjoy the LSD and razor blade laced popcorn ball.

Gina's Sign-off
"Big fan of regulation."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5308
Days until contract expiration: 121
Edition 1076 of Atropos' blog.
Day 63 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 344 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!