RFH - 2005-07-27

Opening Song
"Helter Skelter" -- U2
"Crazy" -- Patsy Cline
"Crazy Train" -- Ozzy Osborne
    * All dedicated to Brian David Mitchell

Unforgettable Quote
"If you want to happy for the rest of your life, make a crack-whore your wife." -- Kerry Jackson

Historical Weddings
Richie attended a wedding reception at the Draper Historic Park.  Kerry mentioned that, historically, Artie likes to poop in that park.  Richie conceded that many dogs appear to enjoy that activity.  Instead of the standard nut cups they had 6" loaves of bread with meats and cheeses, and a little bottle of Martinelli's so everyone could "pretend we're drinking."  It was the first cheese for Richie that came encased in a wax shell.  Richie found the choice of song for the "Parent's Dance" a bit odd.  They played the song with the lyrics, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife."  Just because a song has the words marriage or wedding in it doesn't mean it is a good song for a wedding.  Richie danced with Tickle Girl.  Richie really needs to find a girl who isn't involved with someone else or going somewhere else.  Tickle Girl is going to graduate school in Pocatello.  Bill was surprised to discover that Pocatello had a University.

Non-Sequitur
Big bones get Gina's attention.

The Windtunnel
Gina was at The Gateway yesterday.  Oddly enough, so was Bill.  Bill had taken Little Bill to run through the fountain with the other poor children.  Gina never said that.  Gina had gone to Mimi Maternity to get some new clothes for their New Orleans trip.  She was upset to see that this year's fall fashion trend involves the tight military style jackets...  Gina loves that look, but can't fit into them with the baby on board.

Boners
1. "Sorry.  Wrong car.":  During a training exercise, the Albany fire department used the Jaws-of-Life to tear apart the wrong car.  The 2002 Dodge Caravan was at the junk yard for minor repairs.  They were supposed to be training on a junk car on the other side of the yard.  The proprietor of the yard had pointed the fire department in the wrong direction.  The city has agreed to pay the owner for the damages.
(View Story)

2. "A Boner by popular demand":  This has been a boner before, but is back by popular demand.  A 40 year old mother hosted parties for High School students, providing students with drugs, alcohol, and sex.  She wanted to be a cool mom, especially when the students informed her that they had sex with a neighbor mother.  She's been charged with a number of offenses but the drug charges are much worse that the sex charges.
(View Story)

3. "The plumber takes a leak":  A British plumber was caught on camera urinating into a vase and pouring it into the central heating.  The cameras were set up in a sting operation to catch contractors doing unnecessary work.  The plumber claimed that he had a medical condition and was required to relieve himself frequently.  He also said that he was overcome by the sound of running water.  A plumber.  Running water.
(View Story)

The "cool mom" is Boner of the Day.


Run Downhill
Gina and Joe are going camping in Jackson Hole this weekend because Mary Claire said so.  Mary Claire told Gina that "everybody's going," a statement which turned out to be false.  They are going to Coulter Bay.  Gina had never heard of  the famous "Bears of Coulter Bay."  Kerry and Bill suggested that they park her trailer near a hill covered in moss, because, "It's the moss."  Gina will be going to Kirkham's to get some camping clothes.  Kerry and Bill suggested that she just go to the DI since she'd only be wearing them once.  Gina won't be doing that, just as she won't take Festus down to The Gateway fountain to run with the poor.

New Orleans
Richie will be bunking in with Bill while they are in New Orleans.  That will cut down, a lot, on Bill's private time.  Gina suggested putting a hat on the door or something.  Maybe Bill can just send Richie off for cigarettes.

Your List of Things That Must Go
People who take their dog shopping.  Karl Rove.  Don't stare at the bank teller.  Don't give the teller more than three transactions.  Don't pull up to a closed bank lane.  Don't blame the teller that you have no money.  Bring your ID to the bank.  Bring your account number to the bank.  People who ask reading people what they are reading.  "Jew" as a verb.  Recurring dreams involving steamrollers and human heads.  "It's all good."  The local news term, "Very latest news."  "Limousine Liberals" like Cameron Diaz and her rainforests.  Gas stations passing off their coffee and sandwiches as "gourmet."  Gas stations charging $0.25 for air.  Having a large object attached to the service station bathroom key.  Ominous children in horror movies.  Having the fast-food menu right at the speaker so you can't read it while waiting in line.  Churches using dumb storefront style advertising phrases like "Dusty Bibles Lead To Dirty Lives," or "Sign-guy is on vacation.  Come inside for message."  Asian American things that must go:  "Were you born here?"  "Do you know kung fu?"  "I like Jackie Chan."  "You ought to be grateful for Vietnam."  "I'm not a racist, but..."  "Do you have a small penis?"

Mr. Happy Pills
Gina asked Kerry and Bill, "So, have you?"  Kerry, "No."  Bill, "Yes."  It just came up.