Cooking For Kids
Bill realized that his kids are at an age where they only want to eat certain things. This led to a discussing with Mrs. Bill about having certain things every week on the same night. Taco Tuesday was a natural selection as it is highly alliterative. Gina suggested Thaco Thursday, but then Little Bill would wonder just what the hell a Thaco was. Kerry does the same thing at his house. Margarita Monday, Tequila Tuesday, and Faling-down-drunk Friday.
Gina and Joe had a similar discussion last night. This discussion was brought up when Joe had a craving for some Cedar Plank salmon from the grill and called to ask Gina to soak his plank. Joe then decreed that 2008 will be the year of no-more-special-meals. Joe will cook one thing for dinner and everyone will eat it, including Gina! Gina initially thought this was mostly aimed at Festus, but really it's Gina that needs to change her habits.
Goonies
At the Simmon's Lagoon Day, Richie and his friends managed to take a very gay-hillbilly looking picture on the Jet Star II. After that, it was Gay Day at Lagoon for Richie and his friends. They went to Pioneer Village and took a really gay photo under the "Meat Market" sign. Then they went to the Clock Shoppe where Richie surreptitiously covered the "l" in "Clock."
Kerry has always thought that Lagoon needed some characters - like Disneyland and Six-Flags. Maybe Goonie the Lagoon Goon. A gangster goon right out of the 1920's. Bill wondered why they had ever given up the Owl mascot; the one that had the two "O's" in Lagoon for eyes? Bill, that's the logo for Hooters, not a family-fun place like Lagoon.
Boners (brought to you by Pork Chop Wednesday)
1. "I Know Where Them Skeeters Are Coming From": An Alabama woman has been charged with arson after burning down the empty house next door. The woman claimed that the mosquitoes in the area were coming from that house and sought to remedy the situation.
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2. "Weiner Nation": Michael Weiner, who is more commonly known by his adopted "tough" name of "Michael Savage", revealed a highly secretive Democratic plot on his radio show "The Savage Nation":
Am I to believe that there's no connection between Charles Schumer on Friday saying that he would never appoint, or never, excuse me, approve another Bush appointment to the court, to any court? And then the chief justice suffers a so-called seizure two days later? You're telling me there's no possibility of a conspiracy by the Democrats to have caused this seizure in some manner? Tell me that it's not possible. Tell me that the stakes are not so high that the liberals -- who've finally lost the court after 50 years -- that they would stop short of anything like this. Tell me it's not possible, and I'll tell you you're a liar.
-- Michael “Savage” Weiner
July 30 broadcast of Talk Radio Network's The Savage Nation.
3. "I'm Telling You, That Yield Sign was Asking For It": Sioux Falls authorities arrested a man for trespassing and discovered a large amount of video tape and film that featured the man engaged in the sin of Onan with various public traffic signs. The man was arrested after a homeowner managed to chase the man off his property, twice, then phoned the police.
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The traffic-sign molester is Boner of the Day.
Wake Up To A Condescending Life
Kerry infected Radio From Hell listeners with another excerpt from Amanda Dickson's book, Wake Up To a Happier Life. Amanda's co-host, Grant, is a great teacher-by-example, especially to his kids. He teaches them to serve others by taking them to the homeless shelter, or to Grandma's house. They've all been bitten by the "bug of giving." Amanda once received a letter explaining how this "dear woman" wouldn't be able to make it without Amanda's voice in the morning. Amanda was this woman's life line. This "dear woman" had the cancer, but was uplifted from her morning pain by Amanda's voice. That made Amanda realize just how important her spirit was to the world. She decided to check her spirit, every morning, to make sure she wasn't taking any of the grumpies to work. She realized that her spirit was like the infection in Outbreak, passing from one person to another. Now she makes sure to say a little prayer on her way to work, asking that she say something to comfort someone, or to remind some divorced and penniless man that he's not alone.
Jeff Vice
Talk to Me is a biopic about Ralph "Petey" Greene. It starts Don Cheedle and Chiwetel Ejiofor. It's very well done. 3 stars.
El Cantante is another biopic about a singer, his rise to fame, and his crashing fall due to drugs. Jennifer Lopez does her best impression of Rosie Perez at every turn. A generous 2 stars.
Hot Rod would have been a Will Ferrel movie 5 years ago, and an Adam Sandler movie 10 years ago. It's just a movie to show off some SNL talent. Half of the jokes fall flat, but some of the ones that hit are really, really funny.
The Bourne Ultimatum ties up some lose ends from the other two films with appropriate explosions and chases. A great deal of fun, and Albert Finney too. 3 stars.
Neglected News
Lindsay has sniffed all of her money up her nose and is now working with the paparazzi for cash. Jessica Simpson is releasing her new movie straight to DVD, not because it sucks so badly that even the folks who released Norbit won't touch it, but because there's too much competition. R. Kelly has to pee. He's trying to hold it, but.....he's going now... He's sorry. He's sorry. Oh, he's so sorry.