“Pressure Drop” - The Specials
“First, the doctor gave me the good news, I was going to have a disease named after me.”
“Kids are not easy because there has to be a penalty for sex.”
“Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature.”
It may be the wrong day for the 13-hour marathon. Bill is tired. Mrs. Bill wasn't particularly happy about him leaving her with "those two brats" all-day, so she went out and left Bill on Kid Duty. Kid Duty unfortunately often involves kid doodie. Little Mrs. Bill can go number one by herself, and even knows enough to only use three squares of TP. Number two, however, involves a little more help. Bill never understood why number 1 was for pee. It should be number two for poo, number three for pee, and number one for both.
Besides the kids, Bill's sleep was a bit restless in anticipation of the all-day show. Apparently the show makes Bill a little randy, and he had really erotic dreams all night. Gina thought that erotic dreams made sleep better. Oh no, not for Bill. Bill wakes up ready to shake his own hand. You know, ready to bat. If you aren't careful you might round third without being waved on.
People keep asking Gina why they are doing the all-day show. Is it sponsored? "The Goodyear 13-Hour Show!"? Nope.
1. "All That You Say and Wear is Wrong": A female student at Alta High School researched her heritage and studied how to perform a traditional Hindu dance. She was going to perform the dance for the school, but her traditional Hindu dress, with a bare midriff, offended the school sensibilities. The student was forced to perform the dance with her midriff covered.
2. "I Thought We Banned You From This School": A crazy woman, who had been previously banned from school property, walked into a kindergarten glass brandishing a cap-gun. The woman fired the gun over and over again. No cause was given for her previous ban, or her current actions.
3. "Damnit to Hell! Where Are My Gall-Durned Doughnuts?": A semi-truck full of sunflower seeds overturned when the driver, Merv Bontrager, took his eyes off the road in order to look for his sack of doughnuts.
The doughnut eating sunflower seed driver is Boner of the Day.
Sweet Utah Wine
The nice folks from Six Tail Cellars brought Bill and Kerry some more of the Utah peach wine they make. Bill loves this wine, but Bill usually doesn't care for homemade wine. He used to make elderberry wine with station owner Jim Facer. It was horrific.
Boner of the Week
Dave "The Best Utahn" Matson chose “Don't You Mess With A BMW Driver!” as Boner of the Week.
Drinking On The Job
There is no way that Kerry and Bill can try the Pumpkin Spice wine at work today. Todd Nukem tried to get Alan Hague to go for it, but he wouldn't. It's against company policy to drink or possess alcoholic beverages. Employees are allowed to "responsibly" imbibe at specific company functions. At the January holiday party, Todd Nukem was not drinking responsible. He was completely sock-faced. F.O.P Mario has fond memories of Mr. Nukem dancing shirtless at DV8 during a Hoodoo Guru's concert.
Bill and Mrs. Bill keep a storehouse of “prizes” for when Little Bill demonstrates good behavior. Yesterday Little Bill did everything he was supposed to, so Bill gave Little Bill a realistic plastic bloody, severed foot from The Hills Have Eyes promotional material. When Bill gave the bloody, severed foot to Little Bill, Little Bill clutched the revolting object to his bosom and went around yelling, "I love it! I love it!" He then got his crutch and pirate sword, placed the crutch under his arm, and wandered the house braging about having cut-off his own foot. Later, as he was going to bed, Little Bill set the bloody, severed foot, sword, and bloody, severed ear on his dresser and informed Bill that he is going to start a museum.
Little Bill has created some of his own props as well. A couple of weeks ago Little Bill and Mrs. Bill were creating “Smokey Joe”, which is a mock-up of a burnt corpse. They also bought an oscillating fan from The D.I. to create an “animatronic” ghost – complete with scream mask.
Kerry has three favorite sounds; ice in a cocktail shaker, Artie's dog tags in the backyard, and a metal lid screwing down on a glass mayonnaise jar. Bill loves those sounds as well, but would add one more - a quarter hitting the bottom of a tin cup.
As with last year's show, Kerry doesn't have a fancy iPod like Todd. Kerry has a cheap Korean knock-off called an iAudio. For the 10:20am Kerry's iAudio, Kerry played "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed.
Morning Show Feud
One called wanted to know about the “feud” between Radio From Hell and Brett Smith (Chunga). Bill gave “Chunga” his name. There really isn't a feud except that Radio From Hell and Mr. Smith's show compete for ratings. Kerry and Bill suppose that it is a little more personal because Mr. Smith used to work for X96. The End also had a good ratings book when they first debuted and they decided to send really mean fax letters to X96. Mr. Smith has also stolen some of Bill's stories and claimed that they happened to him. Mr. Smith never met the Indian from Village People and was never given a pair of his moccasins.
The Ocho by Bill Frost, A Radio From Hell Exclusive
Eight reasons why there should not be a 13 hour Radio From Hell Show:
It cuts into Gina's second "job" on State Street, but she'll see "customers" in her
cubicle during air breaks.
Todd has too much free time to program more Bush and Candlebox songs into the playlist.
Kerry doesn't spend this much time sober unless there's a court date involved . And even then..
A confused and disillusioned Artie Fufkin will be wandering the streets of Salt Lake City holding sign, "Will holler and sweat for corn dogs."
Bill's righteous indignation levels will be seriously depleted by late afternoon, requiring an emergency visit from . Grant & Amanda.
Richie will run out of charming Mormon anecdotes and eventually begin divulging the debaucheries that go on backstage at the Desert Star Theater: "I seen a girl's stockings!"
In the 9th hour of blogging, Atropos will just begin typing "Worst. 4/20. Ev-er." over and over.
Fooled by his radio alarm, Bill Frost will continue to sleep off his Thursday hangover until 7 p.m.
Long-time F.O.P “Gumby” brought Kerry, Bill, and Gina some “Radio From Hell University” stickers. These stickers caused a great deal of controversies at The University of Utah because they looked too much like the “A” level parking at the school. Kerry pointed out that they may have looked similar from far away, but the official stickers were “inside” stickers, and the X96 stickers attached to the outside of the vehicle. Kerry, Bill, and Gina now need to discover what the current parking stickers look like.
“Lotion” - Greenskeeper
Hybridization of Bill
Bill may be a hybrid man. After his car was totaled yesterday, he really wants to get a new Toyota Prius. Hybrids may be all well and good, but Mrs. Bill wants to do even more to save the environment. She wants to get a diesel car so they can buy a conversion kit to enable the vehicle to run on French fry grease. The rarely predictable Gina absolutely loves the fact that the car smells like French fries as it runs.
When Kerry was growing up, he really was as obsessive as Little Bill. Kerry would save up his money to buy items from the Johnson & Smith Catalog. One item was the “You Control 6' Ghost.” Kerry had visions of flying this item down the halls and scaring people with it. The kit was a white balloon, a white garbage bag, and fishing line. Not exacting what Kerry imagined. Kerry also ordered the “Personal Submarine”, which he figured he could use to rule the world from his backyard pond. Unfortunately the submarine had the same problem as Optimus Prime – it was made from cardboard and didn't get along well with water.
Bill once ordered the “Machine Gun BB Gun” for his bike. It was a plastic mount with a crank. You turned the crank and BB's were supposed to fire repeatedly from the plastic barrel. It was more like they lazily rolled out out the end. Bill could possible have hit someone who was standing six inches a way, but they probably wouldn't have felt it.
Artie also used the Johnson & Smith catalog. The thing that caught Artie's attention was the book on “How to Pray To God To Get What You Want.” Oddly enough, Artie never got that pony.
Artie Fufkin is a frequent visitor to local area pawn shops, or as his mother calls them, Satan's 7-11. While Artie was at the pawnshop recently, two snobby looking old ladies came into the store carrying a copy of the Brokeback Mountain DVD. When it was her turn, she asked the clerk how much she could get for it. Apparently she had watched 15 minutes into the movie and thought it was the most filthy movie she had ever seen. She was also upset that the clerk refused to give her $5 for the movie.
Five O'Clock X-Set
Kerry chose Radio From Hell opening songs for the X-Set:
“I'm not going to Salt Lake City” - The Dwarves
“Down With The Sickness” - Richard Cheese
“Bumble-bee Tuna” - Mephiskapheles
Bill is looking forward to his old age. Mrs. Bill has promised to push Bill out into the sun while she gardens. Currently Bill just hides behind the bushes with his pants down as Mrs. Bill gardens.
Our Son Kyle
Kyle was once charged with DUI for sleeping in his car. Kyle was under the influence to the point that he didn't feel comfortable driving. He got in the car, put the keys in the ignition to listen to the radio and fell asleep. If Kyle had put his keys in the backseat, apparently there would not be a problem. Kyle appreciated the fact the Bill relayed this story on the air. He'll be spending the rest of the day replying to the text messages his ward sent to his phone.
Be sure to get married before you are 28 – otherwise your boobs will sag to the floor. CONDOMS! are good things, but you have to work them. They're not so good with butter, salt, and pepper.
Gina only eats Egyptian soylent green. Kerry was under the impression that if it was green, it was very unhealthy.
“She was no breath freshener, I can tell you that right now.” - Bill Allred
Sue and Mrs. Bill came in to answer embarrassing questions about Bill and Kerry. Joe wouldn't come in. He was worried that people wouldn't understand his thick Egyptian-Kansas City accent.
Mrs. Bill makes Bill keep his long hair.
Bill has awoken to find Mrs. Bill standing over him with a kitchen knife
Bill does something with his lips when he gets frustrated and is looking for words that drives Mrs. Bill crazy.
Bill enjoys doing the cooking because it gives him some along time with his alcohol and sharp knives.
Mrs. Bill sounds hot.
Bill is an ass-man.
Bill tried to get some dinner reservations recently by using a “Don't you know who I am”, but it failed miserably.
Bill is a cautious driver.
Bill rants in the shower instead of singing.
Bill enjoys saltines and milk. Sometimes he butters the saltines.
Mrs. Bill sometimes learns about her vacations when listening to the show.
Bill used to have a mullet.
Mrs. Bill doesn't know The Wendover story. The Wendover Story will never be told on the radio.
Bill scratches his package and sniffs his fingers while watching TV. Bill wasn't aware that Mrs. Bill even noticed.
Mrs. Bill and Bill will be getting a divorce in the near-future.
Kerry loves butch semi-lesbian-esque women.
Sue's boobs are Kerry's favorite part of Sue.
Kerry spends a great deal of time (near 45 minutes) reading in the bathroom.
Kerry “snot-rockets” in the shower and occasionally forgets to clean it up.
Kerry really enjoys watching America's Funniest Home Videos. He hates the jokes, but he loves the kitty videos and the videos where kids fall on things.
Kerry needs to use the “Don't you know who I am” more often.
Kerry has totaled 4 cars. Kerry has been in 2-3 other accidents. Kerry has received a myriad of tickets. Kerry is still a better driver than Sue. Sue disagrees.
Sue and Kerry will be getting a divorce in the near-future.
Kerry used to have a mullet.
Gina's boobs are asexual.
Gina would not be sexy in a “Slave Leia” outfit.
Joe is a secret sniffer.
Next week the show will be replaced by Simmon's latest morning show, Mornings With Snot-rocket and Sniffer.