• If you're screaming, you had better be in pain.
• Next door neighbors who create a neighborhood fog of bug-spray.
• People who drive into the school parking lot too fast.
• Especially those with "Invest in Children" bumper-stickers
• Especially BMWs with "Invest in Children" bumper-stickers

• People's obession with photographs of celebrity children.
• People over the age of 15 who still giggle at the number "69."
• People at the head of the line who aren't ready to leave after a long-red light.
• People at the head of the line who aren't ready to order at a restaurant.
• The attitude from "Flight Attendents" when they are referred to as "stewards" or "stewardesses."  They're plane-waiters.

• Booing Derek Fisher.
• Passing out t-shirts at the arena so everyone is dressed the same.
• Individuals are scary.
• People who sit in the window seat and won't open the window shade.
• Serving Coke at a "Chi Chi Burger?"

F.O.P Jeff would like to know, do you want Kerry, Bill, and Gina to perform a 13-hour show for the 5000th episode.

Episode #4940

Opening Song
“Radar Love” - Ministry

Green Sex
For green sex, make sure you role play as Captain Planet! You can also make sure that your massage oils and lubricants are all natural and paraffin free. Stores have to keep the “silk” locked up because The Gays steal it. Stay away from PVC sex toys. Stick with fruits and vegetables. They're all natural, and biodegradable. Avoid rubber condoms in favor of lamb-skin condoms. If you're lonely, try Greensingles.com – you can find a woman who looks like Al Gore. “There you go. You're warming my waters. My Florida is getting so warm.”

Where Am I?
After arriving in The Bahamas, Kerry and Sue took a cab to their hotel. Kerry asked the driver what they should do on the island. The Driver replied, “Anything you want man.” Kerry didn't find that answer particularly helpful. He tried again, “If we could only do one thing while we're here, what should we do?” The driver replied, “You'll know when you're doing it.”

Obviously, the driver didn't feel much like conversing. He had the car radio on and it was playing Frank Sinatra's “My Way.” Directly after that song, the station played a really lousy cover of “The Monster Mash.” Kerry was pretty sure that it wasn't October. As he listened to this fake version of “The Monster Mash”, he looked out and saw an entire gang of oldsters riding Segway Scooters. Kerry had narrowly avoided.....The Scary Door.

Boners (brought to you by popcorn)
1. “I'm Not That Criminal”: A Wisconsin man was arrested after giving police his name as the name of a man wanted for vehicular homicide. Although the man was lying and did not commit the crime, he was arrested on obstruction charges.

2. “I'm Getting Close To Nature”: According to Bill, hiking naked is fun, but confronting people is not. A St. George man has been approaching women on hiking trails and offering to take their pictures. Police arrested the man and charged him with exposure.

3. “Who Are You Gonna Believe”: An Idaho student claims that his P.E. Teacher threw his Mexican flag in the trash on Cinco de Mayo. Several students brought the flags with them to celebrate the Mexican holiday. The student claims that the teacher took the flag, claiming that “we are in the United States, not Mexico. When the student asked for his flag back at the end of the day, the teacher allegedly pulled the flag out of the garbage can. The teacher claimed he had no other place to put the flag.

The Mexican hating teacher is Boner of the Day.

Ask An Independent Filmmaker
Ask Trent Harris, maker of such movies as Plan 10 From Outer Space, Rubin & Ed, and The Beaver Trilogy. Trent was really influenced by the surrealist movies of Fellini. Deseret News film reviewer, Chris Hicks, never really cared for Mr. Harris' movies – especially Plan 10 with it's “rear male nudity.” Trent enjoys directing Bill in Delightful Water Universe because Bill doesn't need much direction. Delightful Water Universe should have it's premier in late summer, or early fall.

Neglected News
Hannah Montana was out on the slip 'n slide. Nice guy Owen Wilson was in Miami, takin' shots of tequila, and trying to get a woman to join he and Vince in a threesome. Owen and Vince are very close. Mariah's new husband enjoys skirts on his sluts. Scarlet Johanessburg is not Tom Waits. Rebecca Romjin refuses to work with Lindsay. People like Gweneth Paltrow in Ironman.

Episode #4939

Hey, Whore!
Bill is a ratings whore. Yesterday he spent a great deal of time berating those F.O.Ps that podcast. It's not that Bill doesn't like the podcast, but they really don't count. They don't count in the ratings, so they don't help Bill get any more money. Gina and Kerry really don't care. As long as you're listening, and tell anyone that may ask that you listen to Radio From Hell for the entire four hours of the show "each and every" day.

Boners (brought to you by Hawaiian pizza)
1. "Burn The Wizard": A substitute teacher in Flordia claims that he was fired for "wizardry." Jim Piculas claims that he was called by the head of the substitute teachers and told that he could no longer accept teaching jobs because he performed a disappearing toothpick trick in front of a class of students. Mr. Piculas claims, additionally, that the school-board is now suggesting claims of failing to follow lesson plans and allowing students to use unauthorized computers in an attempt to keep from looking foolish.

2. "Oh, Poor Miss Myrtle The Turtle": New York residents are blaming a construction crew for spray-painting a neighborhood box turtle. The turtle, which has long roamed the yards of the residents, was found covered in orange paint.

3. "This Wine Has Such a Clean Finish": Two women were hospitalized after being served dish detergent instead of the wine. Patron Sarah Ferguson ordered a glass of "Mountain Thunder" wine, but immediately spat it out after experiencing a burning sensation in her mouth. The server offered to test the wine and experienced an even more severe reaction. Authorities later discovered that an empty container of wine had been used to store the detergent and was inadvertently served to the customer.

The bad-wine serving cafe is Boner of the Day.


There's Got To Be A Morning After
The morning after Gina's disturbing and naked initiation into the world of the occult, the group went to The Marriot for breakfast. Gina noticed something on the menu that she LOVES, but rarely ever gets to eat; oatmeal topped with crème brûlée (a custard topped with a glass-like layer of caramelized sugar). When the waiter brought out the bowl, it was just crème - no brûlée. Gina was severely disappointed. When she pointed out the problem to the waiter, he indicated that instead of a torch, now they just stick it under a heat lamp for a while; that's just how they do it. Fortunately, someone from The Marriot called and indicated that the waiter had probably just taken the oatmeal before the chef had finished preparing it.

I Learned It From Watching You
On the excruciatingly rare occasions that Bill is flatulent, he usually uses one of many cute euphemisms for his shame. Phrases like "Hear that barking spider?", or "Did someone step on a duck?", or "There's that bear again." Little Mrs Bill can also have the occasional bout with intestinal gases. The other day, Bill was reading a story to Little Mrs. Bill as she was laying on her bed. Without warning, she ejected her flatus with particular bravado. Bill exclaimed, "Honey! That was a loud one." Little Mrs. Bill demurely replied, "It sounded like a door closing! A door with rusty hinges!"

Start Them Early - February 16, 2006
(Author's note: After the entry above, I was reminded of another demonstration of Bill's effect on his daughter.)

Bill had to stop at the liquor store with Little Mrs. Bill. When Bill picked up a small hand-basket, suddenly Little Mrs. Bill really, *really* wanted one. Bill thought they were only going to be there a moment, so he went ahead and gave her one. Little Mrs. Bill immediately went over to the beer and started piling bottles into her basket.

Your List of Things That Must Go
"Nummy." Sean Hannity. Rush Limbaugh. Ryan Seacrest. Personal hair. J.T.'s refusal to give traffic information for eastern Utah. Too many fasteners on pants. Britney Spears' court dates. Thin milkshakes. Housing prices. "Is it Friday yet?" People who blow their nose at their desk. People who complain about crowds at the zoo on a holiday. People who brag about voting for Obama. "He's the Tiger Woods of chess." "He's the Tiger Woods of shuffle-board." We don't say, "Eminem is the Larry Bird of rap." The Utah Legislature not being sucked into The Delta Quadrant must go. French Fries that leave you nauseated.

Episode #4938

Our Son Kyle
Kyle has been with Radio From Hell since March of 1990.  That was when his mother related the story of her infamous evening with Kerry and, separately, Bill. 

Kyle is sick of David Blaine.  Blaine keeps breaking the records that Kyle has previously set.  Kyle is tired of it.  He's come up with the ultimate stunt; Kyle will spend a week inside a refrigerator.  Kyle will be in the fridge with just his food, water, warm boots, camp stove, cake, 8mm camera, and his Nintendo Wii.  Just the basics.  Gina was curious as to how all of that material would fit in Kyle's fridge.  First of all, it's not Kyle's fridge.  It's Kerry's downstairs fridge for the drink mixers.  Second, his supplies won't be in the fridge with Kyle.  Only Kyle will be in the fridge.  Everything else will be outside of the fridge within arms reach.  See Ya!

Boners (brought to you by spaghetti)
1. "Shut It Copper!":  After flipping an obscene gesture at a police officer, Frank Patti popped-a-wheelie on his motorcycle, and then crashed his motorcycle after a short chase.  Mr. Patti was arrested and charged with several traffic violations.

2. “When You Play Video Games, You Get Focused On That”: The parents of two toddlers were charged with neglecting their children whilst they played video games.  Witnesses reported seeing two toddlers wandering around a motel with no sign of their parents.  Police were called and searched a nearby room.  Police found scattered piles of trash and vomit.  When the parents returned to the room, they reported that they had gone to a club then to a friend's house to play video games.

3. "What's That What Fell From Your Underwear":  After being arrested for urinating in public and for possession of a small amount of marijuana, Martin Fox became very agitated during the booking process.  Mr. Fox tore off his clothing and threw a boot at an officer.  During the ensuing scuffle, another bag of pot dropped from out of his underwear.

The video-gaming parents are Boners of the Day.

The New York Gina
After arriving at the Salt Lake Airport and getting through security, Kerry and Sue thought they would get something to eat at the Squatter's.  Bill couldn't figure out why they wouldn't have gone to Dick Clark's Rock n' Roll Cafe.  Either way, it didn't matter.  Everything was closed.  They asked an airport employee driving by in one of the beeping carts if there was anything open.  He directed them to a sandwich shop back outside of the secure area.....Ok.  Kerry and Sue had plenty of time, so they headed to the sandwich shop.  Ahead of them in line was an obviously New York woman with her two ill-mannered brats.  They brats were running around yelling and talking and wanting and needing, but the mother couldn't possibly deal with that and the ordeal of ordering a sandwich.  "I want turkey.  No lettuce.  No tomatoes.  No onions.  No peppers.  No..... No....."  The woman then wanted a sample of the "Orange Bang" as she had never had before and wasn't sure she would like it.  When she was told that her total came to $36, she was incredulous.  She couldn't figure out how it could possible be that much.  Finally, after making some decision about the chips, she left.  The two employees behind the counter looked about ready to lose it.  Kerry and Sue tried to be as uncomplicated as possible and gave the two a healthy tip.

The sandwiches were well enjoyed, and they made it back to their gate with plenty of time.  Of course, right by their gate, was an open Quizno's restaurant.....The airport employee who had directed them elsewhere even had the nerve to drive by and ask if Kerry and Sue managed to find something to eat.

The 'Betes
In the Bahamas, Kerry and Sue left the safety of the resort to see some of the town.  They stopped in a little store to buy some liquor.  They asked what the locals enjoyed drinking and were directed to "Old Nassau Rum."  They didn't have any "real" rum - just the flavored rum.  After several generous samples, they settled on the Mango flavored rum.  It was unbelievably sweet, but Kerry figured they could cut it with some diet soda or tonic water.  Something.  Regardless, the rum left Kerry sticking tissues into his ears, but that's another story for another time.

Girl's Night Out
The Sainted Mary Claire's birthday in March was interrupted by a death in the family.  As a result, Mary Claire and her daughters were not able to go to a movie and a night in a hotel.  Instead of a movie, they changed to a concert at The Depot.  So they rode Trax down to The Gateway and had dinner at the adjoining restaurant.  That's the way to do it.  As they had dinner there, they also received VIP entrance to the concert.  The Sainted Mary Claire wondered if the concert had tables, or chairs, or what.  The Depot has some tables, but also suites.  Mary Claire told Gina to go pick up the tickets, tell them who she was, and get them a suite.  Gina went to pick up the tickets and the cashier was Phil Jacobson, from The City Weekly.  Gina asked about a suite and was promptly informed that Gina's special price would be the same as anyone else; $45 per ticket.  Instead, they went and sat at a big table behind the bar.  As people filtered in, the view got worse and worse.  One gentleman, in particular, was blocking Gina's sisters view.  Mary Claire informed the gentleman that he'd better be careful or he'd hear about himself on the radio!  Gina was aghast, but fortunately he was an F.O.P who was happy to chat with Mary Claire.  Mary Claire informed Gina that, see, she was right; Gina should always wear lipstick for unscheduled photographs with the F.O.Ps.

Later, back at the hotel, Momma Debbie, who is Daddy Gary's first and second wife, wanted to perform a ceremony from book about the Illuminati in honor of Mary Claire's milestone birthday.  The room was filled with candles, and they had to move the beds out of the way so they could all sit (naked?) in a circle on the floor.  Mary Claire complained about having to sit (naked?) where the bed had been - it never gets vacuumed!  Everyone was supposed to bring a (naked?) story about how wonderful The Sainted Mary Claire had been in the past.  Mary Claire then had to get up and tell everyone some things about herself that others might night know.  When she got to the part where she likes to sleep (naked?) naked, Gina's sister, Kerry, looked absolutely appalled!  Mary Claire had to quickly explain that she didn't do it any more, or that often! 

After the ceremony they all joined the Colonel at his secret country mansion, in Colorado, known as "The Meadows."

Neglected News
Scarlet Johannesburg has never been plucked.  She also has never made an best selling alblum, and isn't starting now.  Ms. Kentucky enjoys simulating.  Keith Richards hates David Bowie.

Gina's Sign Off
"How did they get up there?"

Or search 'mario brothers synthesizer'

A good looking, fun sound board that contains every song and sound from the original Super Mario Bros.  It really took me back.

http://www.4colorrebellion.com/archives/2006/01/28/super-mario-bros-super-synth/

A downloadable version is also available, so you don't always need to be online.

Joyce emailed me to ask about options she had for anti-virus and anti-spyware software since the ones that came with her computer had expired.  Fortunately, some of the best ones are also free:

AVG Anti-Virus

http://free.grisoft.com/

Ad-Aware

http://www.lavasoftusa.com/single/trialpay.php

and Spybot

http://www.safer-networking.org/en/index.html

(Disclaimer: I have used these free applications for years without issue.  However, if you somehow jack up your computer, it's your own damn fault: don't come crying to me.)

http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/cgi-bin/seigmiaow.pl

Recommended by Atropos for Kerry

Hitler Cats!

http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/cgi-bin/seigboardbest.pl?8:1

The number one 'Kitler', as they call them, is amazing!  He even has the same haircut as Hitler.

(Disclaimer: We don't like Hitler – he was a total ass-hat.  A good way to show our disdain is by comparing him to animals.)

http://www.truckspills.com/

The name is pretty self-explanatory.  I figured we should mention this site in honor of our trax/truck collision yesterday.

Favorite truck spills: Beer, Idaho potatoes (extra points for using a snowplow to get them off the road), any number of spoiled foods (hot dogs, Sunny D, various animal parts) and probably the best of all: cocaine!  Utah gets honorable mention for the Spanish Fork canyon explosion from '05.

Young Folks
Kerry might have been the only person who didn't see Ironman this weekend.  Even Bill saw it.  Bill went with his teenage friends, Mattie-bear, Natty-bear, Richie, and Booster.  Afterward, he bought them all beer.  Usually Bill finds the superhero movies boring, but Ironman was very entertaining.  Bill though it was because the final battle wasn't ridiculously long.

Gifts
Kerry brought everyone a gift from New York City.  He brought Bill a new copy of his worn-out John Lennon t-shirt.  For Richie, Kerry was moved by the memory of the missing keys and brought Richie a New York Skyline keychain.  Gina's gift actually came from The Forbidden Planet comic-book store.  Just as he was checking out with his free comic books, he noticed a Dirty Dancing sound machine.  It spurts memorable lines from the movie like, "I carried a watermelon," or "You're invading my dance space."  Bill hoped that someday they would release a sound machine for Somewhere in Time.  It would have one button shaped like the peach-fuzz strewn face of Jane Seymour and scream, "RIIIIICHAAAARDDDDD!"

Do I Have To?
Gina and Richie went to the secret press conference for High School Musical 3.  Zac Effron is cute.  The secret location was East High School.  Zac Effron has good hair.  The cast pulled up in a white van.  Zac Effron smells like cookies.  The cast tried to lead the reports in a school cheer.  Zac Effron is really good looking.  Zac Effron.  Zac Effron.  Zac Effron.  Richie lost his keys.  There won't be any salmon.

Boners
1. "My Ears Are Still Ringing": After showing up late for a shift at an Ohio BBQ, Rochelle Crockett was locked in a storage cabinet whilst three other employees beat on the cabinet with hammers for more than 20 minutes.

2. "I Want Pink Triangles For The Gay Ones":  Claiming that she wanted to cut down on public displays of affection, Principal Daphne Beasley of a Memphis-area high school, created a list of all of the couples in the school, including a homosexual couple.  The principal contacted the mother of one of they gay students and told her that she did not like homosexuals. The mother was, at the time, unaware that her son was gay. The ACLU claims that the list is an invasion of privacy and put the two students at risk for discrimination.

3. "I Will Too Shoot Her":  Winning a $1 bet with her intoxicated boyfriend, a Sheboygan woman shot her eight-year-old daughter in the leg with a BB gun.  Her boyfriend bet that she wouldn't do it, and she promptly proved him wrong.

The BB shooting mother is Boner of the Day.

Bill Frost
Two and a Half Men and CSI: Original Flavor are switching writers.  That should be entertaining.  Children of the Grave has the pretend ghosts of supposedly dead children.  Wait.  Do you hear that?  I think it just got colder in here.  I have a funny feeling about this.  Listen.  Do you smell something?

Really?  Again?
Radio From Hell has decided to become a more successful morning show and sponsor one of the American Idol contestants so they picked Montana's own David Cook because of his raspy voice and prison-like appearance and Bill won't watch, but if someone reminds him, he'll vote for Montana's own David Cook and Gina will let Bill know who wins because she watches the show for Kerry and Bill so that they don't have to watch Montana's own David Cook and listen to the horrible way he butchers Neil Diamond or The Eagles or whatever he ends up singing week after week after week after week.

Neglected News
Hannah Montana has creepy pics with her dad.  Tom doesn't know.  I mean, it's hard for him.  Lassie and Puff Diddle now have something in common.

Gina's Sign-off
"Would you come baptize me for the dead?"

Episode #4936

Sign-off

• “The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.”

Quality of Service
It's actually a good thing that X96 is such a poorly funded endeavor.  If Simmon's gave them money for good equipment and studios, they might forget about the quality of the product they're selling - like KSL.  God bestows upon KSL all the money they could ever want or need and just look at the quality of their broadcasts.  Thank goodness for false hopes and exaggerated claims.

Boners
1. "I Led Them Boys on a Merry Chase":  John Messerly was arrested after being found walking naked along a Pennsylvania highway. Mr. Messerly claimed that he had been driving his employer's van when some lumber on top of the vehicle had come loose. Mr. Messerly then climbed on top of the van, and was thrown into the woods when the van, oddly enough, crashed. Mr. Messerly claimed that he stripped naked to check for injuries. Mr. Messerly was found to have cocaine in his system.

2. “Oh, Whitters, Whitters, Whitters...” OR “Kiss My Ass”: Troubled singer Whitney Houston disappointed a crowd during a rare concert in Tobago. Ms. Houston was only able to get through seven songs during the 1 ½ concert. By the third song, Houston was only able to manage a raspy tenor. At one point, Ms. Houston skipped around the stage yelling, “I love you Trinidad!”, even though the concert was held in Tobago.

3. “The Children Are Sick, Sick, Sick”: A Texas woman has been sentenced to 15 years in prison after performing two unnecessary surgeries on her children. Prosecutors told jurors that Laurie Williamson was using the supposed sicknesses to solicit donations from charitable organizations and people. Williamson raised approximately $150,000.

The surgery performing mother is Boner of the Day.

Boner of the Week
Dave “The Flower Guy” Matson chose today's Boner as Boner of the Week.

Episode #4935

Sign-off

• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitos.

Boners

1. “Starting a Record Company is Expensive”: 21-year-old Charles Ray Fuller was arrested last week after attempting to cash a $360 billion check. Oddly suspicious of the the amount, the cashier phoned the originator of the check. The check's owner stated that Fuller was her daughter's boyfriend and stole the check. Mr. Fuller claimed that the money was given to him by his girlfriend's mother in order to start a record label.

2. “You're Lesbians. Deal With It”: Citizens on the Greek island of Lesbos are suing a gay rights organization for using the term “lesbian.” The term “lesbian” originated from the Greek poet Sappho, a native of Lesbos, who coined the term in the 7^th century B.C.

3. “I Enjoy Driving. I'm Good At It”: Estonian police officers have caught, again, a blind and drunk driver. Twenty-year-old Kristjan Gradolf was previously caught last year. Police only discovered that Mr. Gradolf was blind when he couldn't find the tube for a breathalyser test.

The blind and drunk driver is Boner of the Day.

Spa Day

A few weeks ago, for The Sainted Mary Claire's birthday, Gina and her sisters were supposed to have a whole spa-day, movie, and hotel sleep-over. Unfortunately, a death in the family cut-short the party. The Sainted Mary Claire, however, like an elephant, never forgets. They've rescheduled for a concert and a night in the hotel. Gina's sister, Mikelle, the bossy one, won't let Mary Claire have a cake. She wants Gina to pick up some pastries from their remote broadcast tomorrow.

Ask An Escort

Natalia and Lisa from the Seduction Escort service. In Utah, escorts are perfectly legal private entertainers. They do have to register for a sexually oriented business license, but they can get completely nude, and the customer can touch the dancers – within reason. Escorts are not allowed to engage in sex with the customer, but still have to be tested for STDs once per year. The company keeps track of the dancers very well. Dancers call when they arrive and when they leave an appointment. They also take a bouncer along with them.

Jeff Vice

Flawless has Michael Caine. That's the only good thing. Demi Moore speaks with a fake British accent that would make Madonna proud. 2 stars.

Made of Honor once again demonstrates that Patrick Dempsy can't act. 2 stars.

Carmel can be used as a substitute for hair removal wax. It's also a movie. 2.5 stars

Ironman is really, really good. It would get 2.5 stars for the casting of Robert Downey Jr. alone. The suits are not CGI whenever possible. Jeff Bridges is excellent as always. 3.5.....4 stars.

Episode #4934

Sign-off

• “Why am I naked and sticky? Did I miss something fun?” - Futurama

Boners (brought to you by brisket)

2. “Will You Watch My Baby?” A highly intoxicated man showed up at a Miami strip club with a baby in his car. The man asked to use one of the dancer's cell phones. Minouche Eliasin claimed that the man was acting weird and refused to answer simple questions like, “Where's the mom?” The baby had a wet diaper and was sweating profusely. After attempting to leave the infant at the club, the club manager called police. Apparently Robert Hancock had taken the baby, without permission, from the baby's grandparents.

3. “Well, We Can't Afford An Amusement Park”: Police in Minneapolis arrested a woman after witnesses reported seeing her dangle an 11-month old boy from a window, and reported another 6-year-old child locked on the roof of their apartment building in the rain. Police arrived in time to see the 6-year-old climb back inside a window before arresting Vanessa Sparks on child endangerment charges.

The strip-club daddy is Boner of the Day.

You Oughtn' Talk Like That

Memories

Things That Must Go

• “Nobody's listening” or “Nobody's reading anyway.”

• “Got Hope?”

• Redundant statements

  • “Sex perverts”

  • “Personal battle with cancer”

• The KSL Nightside “After Party” giving you traffic until midnight! Nothing says a party like traffic until midnight!

• Dress shirts with too many straight pins.

• Jelly Belly jelly beans without proper flavor coloration indicators.

Gina

• Gina and Joe are going to vote for Senator Obama, but he has to stop calling for donations during dinner.

• The omnipresent pacifier.

Bill

• Aching joints when you're sick.

• Fevers when you're sick.

• The clogged toilet in Rock Ledge.

• Not enough soft-serve ice-cream in Salt Lake City.

Neglected News

Grade

Today's show received a B+.

Episode #4933

Sign-off

• The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away.

It Begins
Kerry is off to ruin Sue's vacation in the Bahamas, so Gina is here to ruin the radio show. Why must Gina run the board when Richie does it much more often? Why!? Because she likes it! She wants to have a skill to fall back on after the earthquake hits and she needs to take care of her family.

Since Gina was doing Kerry's job, Guthrie, once again, sat in for Gina. Gina doesn't have much to do on the show. Her only real duty is to find topless pictures on the internet. It doesn't really help the radio show, but it does boost morale.

Up The Old Fork Road
Bill is suffering from allergies that are turning into a cold. Bill used to have allergies as a kid, but they eventually went away. Now they're back. Gina wondered if anyone had ever forked up Bill's back. No ma'am. Bill is a staunchly heterosexual male and he's never let anyone fork up his back. He's let a few people do a little forkin' up the front, but never up the back. Well, there was that one time when he slept over with Danny Wright, but that was the only time! That was just curiosity. You know, you give it a try and then say, "I don't like that!" Since then, no one forks up Bill's back.

Sexity
Since Bill has allergies and a cold, Gina suggested that he re-record his voice mail and answering machine greetings. Gina learned from The Sainted Mary Claire that it's the best time to record those messages because you sound sexy. The Sainted Mary Claire waited until she was on death's doorstep to record her messages. Even though she has several adult children, one of whom is a sheriff's deputy, The Sainted Mary Claire likes to ooooooze her sexuality. In fact, The Sainted Mary Claire was somewhat disappointed to learn that M.I.L.F Island only existed in the phony reality of 30 Rock. F.O.P Travis mused that if Gina were a 'cougar' Mary Claire must be a 'saber-tooth?'

Boners (brought to you by a chicken caesar salad)
1. "She's a Bright Young Girl": Officials at a West Virginia university are under fire after granting a master's degree to the governor's 38-year-old daughter, which a investigative panel claims she did not earn. Several members of the administration have resigned amid the scandal.

2. "I'm Still Hungry": A prisoner in Arkansas has sued the state claiming that the prison does not provide good quality food, nor enough of it. Broderick Lloyd Laswell claims that he is being slowly "starved to death" by the prisons 3,000 calorie diet. Mr. Laswell entered the prison weighing 413lbs. but, after a year, now weights a svelt 308lbs. Mr. Laswell claims that after recent exercise his vision blurred and me felt as to pass out.

3. "Oh, Who'd Want Those?" A homeless man looking for cardboard recently came across a "Secure Document" which contained detailed blueprints for the World Trade Center's "Freedom Tower." The documents detailed the location of air ducts, elevators, electrical equipment, as well as the thickness of steel and concrete. The plans indicated that they should be destroyed if discarded.

Whoever threw out the blueprints for the "Freedom Tower" are Boners of the Day.


Meh
Guthrie still demonstrates his mountains of ambition. He's taking a few classes at the community college, and spends most of his time watching Chuck Norris on the Trinity Broadcast Network. He and his friend would like to start a cartoon, but they lack any apparent animation talent. Guthrie still drives his grandmother's car, pays for gas from his savings. Friday he will play the theme song for his non-existent cartoon on the air.

Goan' Ta Pick a Fight
Festus had a baseball game last night, but Gina was in one pissy mood. Why? Mind your business! She went to the game just looking to pick a fight. Luckily, there was a perfect candidate sitting behind her. First, he had on slippers. Wear some shoes! Second, he went through every.... single.... ring.... tone.... on.... his....phone. For the entire length of the hour-and-a-half game, he continuously played 10 seconds from every available option. However, before Gina could turn around to ask him, "Hey! Find one yet!? The woman with him stood up and started yelling at the "Empire" and scared Gina off.

Unforgettable Quote
"Pie me up baby! I'm gonna have some soup!" - Richie T. Steadman

No More F**king ABBA
Richie and Booster went to see the movie Baby Momma this weekend. During the opening, there was a trailer for Mamma Mia, the movie what has ABBA songs. Richie got really excited about the movie! Booster leaned over and whispered, "Queer."

Neglected News
Richie killed John Michael Montgomery. John Michael Montgomery killed Cheri Oteri. Britney looks better than K-Fed. Tom Cruise took Orpha on his snowmobile. Cher Bono had the sex with Tom Cruise until sun up. Kristen Bell plans on wearing her school girl uniform on her wedding day.

Grade
Today's show was received a C+.