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Atropos (author):  atroposRFH@gmail.com

Author's note: It appears that the podcasts were just posted, but I won't have time tonight to complete a summary. At the least, I will attempt to post a summary of the Boners.

Once More Into The Breach
Never again. The next time Bill goes on a work-sponsored "vacation", he is going to insist that there is at least one, preferably two days at the end of the vacation when Bill doesn't have to do any work. Bill doesn't want to be sitting in the lobby, waiting for the airport shuttle, and have to record yet another set for the show. Bill needs a rest.

Eliens?
As Kerry, Sue, Bill, and Mrs. Bill arrived at the parking lot back in Salt Lake City, Bill saw a bright flash of light and looked up to see a stream of fire streak across the sky. Kerry saw the flash of light and simply thought that a parking lot light had exploded. Nope. 'Twas a meteor.

Technical Difficulties
Author's note: The iPhone and Blackberry streams seem to be non-functioning at the moment. As such, I am unable to listen to the show live. Second, there doesn't seem to be a podcast for today either. My apologies.

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5302
Days until contract expiration: 133
Edition 1075 of Atropos' blog.
Day 51 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 356 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Quote #1
"Never get a Mayan and a Scotsman in the same room together." - Kerry Jackson

Quote #2
"I'm not into the naked touchin'." - Richard T. Steadman

Quote #3
"There's no excuse for virginity." - Gina "G-Balls" Barberi

Quote #4
"You don't hate detachable penis?" - Gina "G-Balls" Barberi

Quote #5
"Lizards hate salami. It's a well known fact." - Bill Allred

Quote #6
"I like to think of her as more of a Georgia O'Keefe painting." - Kerry Jackson

Quote #7
"I only have so much action in me." - Gina "G-Balls" Barberi

Quote #8
"It's the man with the tasty titties!" - Bill Allred

Gina's Sign-off
"Only limes and tequila does not a margarita make."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5301
Days until contract expiration: 134
Edition 1074 of Atropos' blog.
Day 50 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 357 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

RFH - 2009-11-17

Episode #5300
Days until contract expiration: 135
Edition 1073 of Atropos' blog.
Day 49 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 358 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Long-Winded Summary
Coco Bongo is like a crazy nightclub, show, and concert at the same time. They keep the populace well lubed with adult beverages as Mambo #5 plays, KISS impersonators sing, and Spider-man Battles The Green Goblin. In fact, Kerry is rethinking his opposition to the Spider-man musical.

Bill was ripped off by a Taxi driver who drove him approximately 20-feet. Cost him $5. Sue was not so bullied. The taxi-driver told Sue that it would be $5. When they arrived at their destination, he demanded $10. Sue threw a bunch of pesos at the driver (about $6.50) and said, "That's all you're getting."

Gina went to get herself a "mani" and "peddi" (manicure and pedicure) and had her fingernails painted. She NEVER gets her fingernails painted, and she got them painted red. Bill predicts that when she gets home and sees Joe he'll regard her fingernails and say, "You know I don't like it when you look like a whore. Kids, don't look at your mother. She looks like a whore."

Whilst Gina was getting all whored up, a douchebag American came in for a haircut. He actually had the huevos to ask the elderly lady cutting his hair what "pendejo" means.

Bill has been telling his children not to feed the agoutis because he saw one of them eating a human finger. Really. It kind of looked like a French Fry, but then Bill saw that the little rodent had it up in its hands and was eating around a wedding ring.

Bill also learned that Mayan food is very similar to tourist food. He went to a restaurant advertising Mayan cuisine and had flank steak, butterflied shrimp, chicken fingers, and a "Mayan Chocolate bomb." Real genuine Mayan food.

The conservative talking heads like Hannity, Limbaugh, and Beck are lying to you. After talking with a Canadian and British citizens, they are not coming to The United States for their health care, they don't understand why we don't want universal healthcare, and they love their universal healthcare systems.

Bill gave the first discussion to a couple of Canadians he met. They began to ask about The LDS church, so Bill gave them the basics. Richie was proud that Bill actually managed to hit four of the five major subjects of the missionary first discussion. After that, Bill and The Canadians went down to the topless beach to debate healthcare.

Whilst down at the beach, Gina asked Kerry to watch her purse and she went out in the water. "Gina going swimming? The hell you say?" Oh, Gina was not about to go swimming - not in the ocean with all kinds of creatures and waves and things. Gina just waded out until the water hit her knees, put her hands on her hips, stuck out her gut, and tried to have a deep thought. Really! She was taking it in!

After a late evening/early morning of alcohol and sex-free fun, Richie and his not-girlfriend woke up at 6:00am and took a ferry over to the island. He had paid for a scuba class and was going to meet the people over there. Unfortunately, when they arrived, "Daniel" was not there to meet them. After asking about, they met Adolof, whom they were assured, "is like Daniel." They spent 15 minutes learning to scuba, then headed out to the ocean. Not-girlfriend was slightly freaked out, but eventually they began having fun - until Richie dove too deep too fast and popped his eardrum. After that, they left the water and went on a scooter trip around the island.


Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5299
Days until contract expiration: 136
Edition 1072 of Atropos' blog.
Day 48 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 359 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Quick Summary
During their time in Mexico, Bill finally realized something about Gina; she's a lone wolf. She's out and on her own, baby. Kerry thinks that "wolf" is too sexy to apply to Gina. It's more like she's a lone Mexican potgut. Gina likes her sugar. On her pancakes? Sugar and lemon juice. On her grapefruit? Sugar. On her bacon? Sugar.

Gina had to move her room from the first floor because she was worried about the critters.

Kerry is looking forward to his Sea Trek. it's a space helmet like device that one can wear underwater to breath. They also give you some weights so that you can actually just walk along the bottom of the ocean. Gina is skeptical. She doesn't trust it. I mean, if you're wearing weights, how do you get out? That's right, Gina. The operators of the Sea Trek never thought of this, so the ocean floor is littered with dead people in space helmets.

Speaking of trust, Gina also doesn't trust the maids. They might try and take her picture of Joe.

Bill feels bad for Richie. Having a sexual relationship is one of the great joys in life, but Richie has not yet allowed himself that joy. In fact, Richie claims that he doesn't even practice having a sexual relationship. Gina worries that when Richie finally does engage in coitus that it will just be a big let down for him.

Gina doesn't trust the Sea Cows either.

Gina's Sign-off
"I don't trust it."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5298
Days until contract expiration: 139
Edition 1071 of Atropos' blog.
Day 45 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 362 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

I'm Shocked!
Contrary to all expectations, Gina's busy Wednesday was fraught with troubles, though she did have some help from Daddy Tom Barberi. Daddy Tom is a four-hour F.O.P. and heard how busy Gina would be, so he went down to the sandwich shoppe and offered to wash her car. Bill wondered if Tom offered to wash the car without his shirt, since every FOP knows how much Gina loves to watch shirtless men. Kerry suggested that maybe Tom used his ample chest hair as a rag, since its soft and supple texture wouldn't scratch the paint.

At this point, Bill realized where the story was going. Gina accidentally left Li'l Mohamed at The Dog Lodge and took Sadie to Grandma Karen's house? Right? Not quite.

Gina got the dogs dropped off at the kennel and was taking the kids up to Grandma's house in Farmington. Mikelle "The Second Barrel" called and asked Gina if she wanted to go see the movie about that singer what used to be living. Gina figured that she could do that as all she had left to do was pack for herself, so she agreed. They went and saw the 90 minute movie, then she headed back home to Sugarhouse.

As Gina began packing she suddenly realized that she didn't have her wallet! Ah... The last place she remembered using it was at the theater. Gina "The First Barrel" called Mikelle and told her the situation. Mikelle agreed to meet Gina at the theater. When Gina arrived, Mikelle was in the theater crawling around in the dark looking for the wallet. When Mikelle couldn't find it, Gina started bitching at the theater employees, accusing them of finding it but hiding it...then she realized... She had switched cars at Grandma's house... She called her mother-in-law and asked her to look in the car and, sure enough, the wallet was in the car. So Gina returned home at midnight and managed to get three whole hours of sleep before leaving for Mexico.

Go Poopie?
Gina doesn't like to go. She hopes to have taken enough Immodium to stop herself up for the entire time they are in Mexico. Kerry's wife, Sue, is with her. They don't want to "have to" go; they want to pick their place to go. Not Kerry. Kerry wants to just get the poison out. Whatever is bothering him, get it out, NOW! Bill feels similarly, but he will use a "stopper" when he is on a 100 mile bike ride. Nobody wants to have to go Number 2 whilst riding a bike. Come to think of it, Kerry feels the same way about his Las Vegas Strip Club tours.

Boners (brought to you by the surprise of blue-striped panties)
1. The NWA Flight Attendants. Though NWA used to stand for something else, the NWA "stewardesses" have a lot of bad attitudes. When Bill asked for a small drink of water for Little Mrs. Bill, the sky waitress replied, "Ummmm....No!" Though it may have been close to take-off, she could have been slightly more polite.

2. The lack of pride in a job well done. Whoever in the Minneapolis airport who put the "SLOAN" urinal plate on upside down.

3. Gina Barberi and her provincial views of water in the resort, the mixing of chicken and fish, and pooping in other countries.

By a total of one vote to zero, Gina is Boner of the Day.


Horrible, Terrible Tragedy - September 17, 2008
Bill's family has recently been fostering some guinea pigs for a local animal shelter. Apparently the guinea pigs were rescued from a medical lab, and were naturally a little scared and shy. The shelter wanted to acclimate the guinea pigs to people so they could adopt them out. Last night, Bill noticed that one of the guinea pigs was looking really skinny and sickly. Little Bill took the little one from Little Mrs. Bill and was holding it and petting it when he realized that the rodent had gone towards the light. Little Bill was very upset. Mrs. Bill asked whether Little Bill wanted to wait for the shelter to come and get the remains or to bury it themselves in the back yard. Little Bill decided it was best to bury it themselves. Little Mrs. Bill was ecstatic! "Yeah! Let's dig a grave! Yaaay!" She really didn't have any concept of what was going on. She was just having a great time. She was particularly interested in finding the headstone. "Can we write 'Dead Guinea Pig' on it!?" All the while, Little Bill is really having a hard time. On the headstone, Little Bill inscribed, "Here Lies an Unknown Guinea Pig." Little Bill then said a few words and buried the animal.

Afterward, Little Bill remembered that a few years ago his beta fish, Ruby, had passed on. Little Bill, who has a great respect for all living things, couldn't bear to part with Ruby at the time, so the corpse was frozen in the freezer. After burying the guinea pig, Little Bill finally decided that it was time to bury Ruby alongside. Little Mrs. Bill was stoked! Another grave! Another tombstone! Bill just hopes she is that excited and happy when he finally passes on.

Episode #5297
Days until contract expiration: 140
Edition 1070 of Atropos' blog.
Day 44 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 363 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

This Blog Has Been Pre-recorded
The majority of today's Radio From Hell Broadcast was recorded on Saturday and played back today as Kerry, Bill, Gina, Richie, and several dozen F.O.Ps fly to Mexico. Gina was worried that hurricane Ida might ruin their vacation. After all, as evidenced by her immaculate weather reports, Gina is a meteorologist....Well, she did take meteorology in college for an easy science credit. She received a "C" for the class.

The show was recorded in Kerry's basement, which looks exactly how one might imagine Kerry's basement to look; toys and cardboard cut-outs everywhere. Bill described it as being decorated by an adolescent with money.

Kerry and Sue keep their house pretty cold, so Gina had to put on a pair of Kerry's wool socks. Much to her surprise, the "smart wool" socks were not itchy. Gina could barely believe it; isn't wool always itchy!? Yes, Gina. You're smart and beautiful. Eat your pot pie and put on your muff.

Unforgettable Quote
"Titty fish ate my titty." - Kerry Jackson

Boners
1. "When Talking Out of Your Ass, Get Your Facts Straight": In attacking health care reform, the financial newspaper, Investor's Business Daily, printed an editorial which read, in part, "People such as scientist Stephen Hawking wouldn't have a chance in the UK, where the National Health Service would say the life of this brilliant man, because of his physical handicaps, is essentially worthless." Not only is Stephen Hawking a British citizen, and very much alive in spite of the nationalized health service, Mr. Hawking credits the NHS for his longevity telling The Guardian, "I wouldn’t be here today if it were not for the NHS. I have received a large amount of high-quality treatment without which I would not have survived."

2. "CRIKEY! Get Out! We Need The Sex!" or "CRIKEY! How Much to Go All the Way?" An Australian taxi-driver was ordered to leave his cab so that the couple who had hired him could engage in coitus in the backseat of the taxi. The driver was then beaten with a high-heeled shoe and denied payment for his fare.

3. "Boomtown": In a Salt Lake Tribute editorial, The Tribune claims that the city of Woods Cross ignored information from the engineer that they hired to study the safety of houses near the Silver Eagle Refinery. That report indicated several safety concerns with building houses too close to the refinery. Instead, the City Council of Woods Cross accepted a report from the engineer hired by the developer seeking to build homes in the area.

The sex-starved taxi-fares are Boners of the Day.

Ask an Excommunicated Mormon - June 19, 2008
University of Utah professor Margaret Toscano is an excommunicated Mormon. Her husband, Paul Toscano, was excommunicated as part of the somewhat infamous "September Six". The "September Six" was the discipline and/or excommunication of six LDS intellectuals. Ms. Toscano was excommunicated later. Ms. Toscano was chastised a number of times for discussing the "Heavenly Mother", women in the priesthood, the role of women in the church, and the possibility that Joseph Smith discussed different roles for women. The church demanded that Ms. Toscano disavow everything she had said previously and to never discuss those things again. She could not. She was taken before a "Church Court" (now referred to as a "Disciplinary Council") and stripped of her church membership. Ms. Toscano still considers herself a Mormon, as that is her family heritage, but no longer a member of the church. She bears no ill-will towards the church and won't discuss issues like temple ceremonies, etc. The real issue, she says, is the rejection of amicable dissent and open discussion of feminist and other important issues.

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today - kind of.

Episode #5296
Days until contract expiration: 141
Edition 1069 of Atropos' blog.
Day 43 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 364 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-offs

• "I am living the dream. I'm not sure who's dream it is, but I feel sad for them."
• "I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?"

Crappy Birthday!
Gina had a lousy birthday. She was stuck at home all day with her sick kids. The Sainted Mary Claire and Mikelle (the second half of double-barrel Barberi) decided to come down and visit Gina for her birthday and bring her some lunch. What did she want? Hires? Oriental Chicken Salad from Chili's? Taquitos from Betos? No. Gina just wanted some "smash fries" from Smashburger. They are French fries tossed with olive oil, rosemary, and garlic. When Mary Claire and Mikelle arrived at The Historical House of Character, they quickly realized that the clerks had forgotten to place the fries in the bag.

BIll Frost, however, saved the day with his gift this morning; an autographed copy of Slaughter's "Stick It To Ya."

Unforgettable Quote
"I once did a little time for cranny peeking." - Bill Allred

Unforgettable Quote #2
"Cranny peeking at a tranny is double-jeopardy." - Bill Allred

Boners (brought to you by over-rated pizza)
1. "I Stopped When I Heard Her Hit the Side of the Truck": An argument between a man and woman in Magna at 5:30am quickly ended as the man peeled out and drove away and the woman held on to the handle of the truck. The woman suffered a severe head injury and road rash and was taken to a nearby hospital. The boyfriend was questioned and police reported that they smelled alcohol on his breath.

2. "CRIKEY! Lock Picking Wears Me Out": Police in Perth, Australia found a would-be thief sleeping at the door of a shopping center with a lock-picking wire still in his hand and inserted into the shopping center door.

3. "We'll Cancel The Prom If You Let Them Dykes In." When Cynthia Stewart asked the principal of Clarktown High School in Alabama if she could bring her girlfriend to the school's prom, she was promptly rebuffed. When Ms. Stewart contacted the ACLU and the school received a letter demanding that the decision be reversed, Principal Gary Odom threatened to cancel the prom for everyone. Update: The school has since rescinded their decision.

The lesbian-hating school and principal are Boners of the Day.

All About Gina
Gina doesn't know how she's going to do it all today. She's so busy and has so much to do before their trip to Mexico. She's got to pick out an outfit for the flight tomorrow, pack her bags, pack the kids, pack the kids' clothing, wash the car, sell sandwiches, go to the phone store, call Joe and find her passport, then take the kids up to Grandma Jones. Bill and Kerry were both slightly confused; was Gina unaware until today that she was traveling to Mexico? "No, but..." Forget it.


Your List of Things That Must Go
People who pass off movie quotes as their own sayings. NPR sound effects. Stupid suggestions on Facebook; "Laughing! Become a fan." "Taking a Dump! Become a fan." People who give a play-by-play of their day on Facebook. Facebook grammar. Podcast listeners complaining about the short computer store spots. People who tell a stupid joke for a second time because you didn't laugh the first time. Provo Police. People who ask, "Aren't you having fun?" when you are engaged in an unpleasant task. Tim the Husband and other spouses that hate Radio From Hell. Birthers who think that Barack Obama's last name is really 'Santos.' Grocery clerks that give you a bag for one item. The people who stare at dreadlocks in Utah County. "Got." As in, "I got to go." Employers who say, "You should be glad to have a job." The spelling and pronunciation of 'colonel.' The Wilhelm Scream. The audience on Rachael Ray.

Gina's Sign-off
"We're going to Minneapolis?"

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

HAPPY MILESTONE BIRTHDAY GINA!


Episode #5295
Days until contract expiration: 142
Edition 1068 of Atropos' blog.
Day 42 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 365 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!!!!!!

Sign-offs

• "What ever happened to the good old days, when children worked in factories?"
• "Strange.  Nobody seems to say, 'It's just a game,' when they're winning."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GI....Oh.  You're Not Here.
Gina couldn't be in the studio today, even though it was her birthday.  Both of her kids are sick.  Gina has two kids, and the other one.  No word on which is what, but that's how Richie sees it.  Joe is out of town, so Gina had to stay home with the kids.  Kerry predicts that Gina will get sick and completely miss going to Mexico later this week.

Boners (brought to you by taco bake)
1. "I'm Only Interested In What's Good For America":  In an amazing demonstration of the kind of people American's elect to government service, Senator Joe Lieberman (I-CT) was quoted on November 8, 2009 as saying, "A public option plan is unnecessary."  This directly contradicts his previous position on government healthcare when in 2006 Mr. Lieberman proposed his own public option saying, "I have offered a comprehensive program. ... MediChoice to allow anybody in our country to buy into a national insurance pool."

2. "I'm a Better Dad Than You Are!":  During a fight about the raising of children, one father demonstrated a remarkable failure of self-control and beat two other people in the face with a golf putter.  Police are now searching for the suspect.

3. "I'm Junkie the Clown.":  In a van used to ferry clowns, party favors, and balloons to children's parties, police found that the driver was also trafficking in heroin.  Police had followed the fan to the home a known gang member who was suspected of dealing in drugs and made the arrest.taco

Senator Joseph Lieberman is Boner of the Day.


I Ain't Got No Book Smarts
If you are interested in dating Richie, you'd better have a college education.  Richie has a college education and wants to ensure that his potential mate has had the college experience and a love of formal indocr....education.  That's not to say that Richie won't date you, it's just that he won't be happy until you're headed back to get that piece of paper.  It's one of the important things on the Richie Steadman Compatibility Checklist.

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5294
Days until contract expiration: 143
Edition 1067 of Atropos' blog.
Day 41 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 1 shopping day left until Gina's Birthday!!!!!!

Opening Song
"Pressure Drop" - The Specials

Sign-offs

• "Sometimes I just wanna put on a bunny suit and scream."
• "Be quiet brain, or I'll stab you with a q-tip."

You're Talking to a Pretty Stupid Man
Just before the show went on, Richie asked Bill if he would want to be an assistant coach for a youth athletic sport along with Richie....  The silence of Bill's answer was deafening.  Richie was just thinking that Bill could do all the yelling and that one of those little turds would be sweet and melt Bill's cold dead heart. 

....And He's Large
Bill has an oversized package.  He has posted notice in his cubicle.

Ginger Brad Pitt
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahFacebookblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahBidetblahblahblahblahblahblahGingerBradPittblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahHappyBirthdayblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahMormonBoysblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahGotSomeActionblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahLostHisKeysblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahCouldn'tFindThemblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah


Boners (brought to you by a lousy hamburger)
1. "Who Needs the H1N1 Shot?":  Kellogg's is being sued for advertising "Now Helps Support Your Child's IMMUNITY" on every box of Cocoa Krispies, which is 40% sugar by weight.  The lawsuit claims that the intention is to mislead the public into believing that the cereal can prevent diseases, such as the H1N1 flu.

2. "Cowabunga!":  An insurance salesman visiting Puerto Rico fell to his death as his "surfed" on the hood of a moving car.  Jorge Geysel fell off of the vehicle, snapped his neck, and was instantly dead.

3. "Battlin' Beauty Babes":  British newspapers report that two beauty queens were involved in a pub fight that resulted in Rachael Cristie losing her Miss England crown and title.  The altercation allegedly began when Miss Manchester, Sara Beverley Jones, received a racy text message from Ms. Christie's boyfriend and showed it to Cristie.  Witnesses say that Cristie punched Jones several times in the face during an "adult" themed costume night.

The battlin' beauty babes are Boners of the Day.

Bill Frost
Dennis Franz gave up on Trauma.  It's been canceled.  Dennis Franz will now be watching Southland on TNT.  The Parent's Television Council is up in arms about the threeway sex scene on Gossip Girl featuring Dennis Franz.  Dennis Franz once played Buntz, but that's another show.  Ghost Hunters Academy will teach people who not to spot the ghost of Dennis Farina, who is often mistaken for Dennis Franz.  Secret Girlfriend is a terrible show, but it does feature hot girls without the benefit of Dennis Franz and his spotted, naked ass.  January Jones will be co-hosting Saturday Night Live with Dennis Franz.  Surprisingly, Ogden actually has two clubs in which you can hear the music of Dennis Franz and Spork; Brewskies and Kamikaze's.  The Prisoner is a new mini-series staring Ian McKellan, Jesus Cavizel, and Dennis Franz.  Super Dave Osbourne lost his beautiful speaking voice after seeing a very special episode of NYPD Blue starring Dennis Franz.

(Author's note: How'd I do Mr. Frost?)

Tricksie
Joe tricked Gina into eating something.  No, not cheese.  Joe has given up on trying to change Gina's hatred of the curd.  No, he tricked her into eating cauliflower.  He told her that he was making garlic mashed potatoes, which Gina loves, but then encouraged her to take the kids for a walk.  When Gina and the children returned, her plate was set with chicken, buttery leeks and the "mashed potatoes."  Joe, however, didn't count on Gina's cunning sense of taste! She took one bite and said, "Those aren't mashed potatoes!"  Hopefully, Joe has learned his lesson.

Your Innuendo is Priceless
This past weekend, Kerry though it would be funny to buy some Twinkies and Sno Balls for the Geekshow panel, as an homage to Zombieland.  Kerry could not, however, find any Sno Balls.  Nobody is selling them.  Bill wondered if maybe Little Debbie had a knockoff version?  Maybe "Little Debbie's Snow Mounds?"  "Little Debbie's Coconut Bumps?"  "Little Debbie's Itty Bitty Coconut Committee?"

Gina's Sign-off
"Those aren't mashed potatoes!"

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Episode #5293
Days until contract expiration: 146
Edition 1066 of Atropos' blog.
Day 38 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 4 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-off

• "What if the hokey pokey is what it's all about?"

It's a Funny Hat
Norm McDonald doesn't get up early.  Norm was made from old sperm.  Norm's father had the word "massive" written on his death certificate.  Norm knows a lot about country music.  Norm really doesn't have Billy Joe Shaver's phone number.  Norm isn't sure if David Allen Coe is still in prison or not.

Unforgettable Quote
"You shot your wad with 'old sperm.'" - Bill Allred

Boners
1. "Don't You Know Who I Am?":  Representative Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) used a swear (the 's' word) when he was confronting TSA agents.  When he learned of this, Jesus cried.  Mr. Chaffetz also threatened an agent with, "Do you know who I am?"

2. "Baby in a Box":  A woman gave her baby to the babysitter and told her to hide it, so she did.  She hid the infant in a box under a bed.  The baby was found 5 days later and managed to survive.

3. "Miss California Walks Away":  The bigoted former Miss California and champion of morality, Carrie Prejean, is dropping her lawsuit against the Miss California USA after TMZ reported that they had received a sex tape featuring Ms. Prejean.  TMZ claimed that the video was too raunchy to be posted on their website.

The baby hiding mother and babysitter are Boners of the Day.


The Painful Circle
If your husband is posting his underpants photos on the internet and looking for love, it's time to leave.  Don't let your oldest sister take advantage of you.  Tell her that she needs to come home and take care of her kids.  If your boyfriend keeps running back to his ex-girlfriend whenever she calls him, you are second choice.  Hit the road.  Don't meet guys at the bar; meet them at the X96 bowling mixer instead.

Days Gone By
Kerry once again forgot his deodorant, so he asked to borrow Richie's.  Richie uses "Right Guard EXTREME!"  Oddly enough, Kerry found that the EXTREME version of Right Guard still smells exactly like that gold can of right guard you got in Jr. High School.

Boner of the Week
Dave "The Flower Guy" Matson chose Thursday's Boner, "When You're a Cop in Tooele, It's Party Time!," as Boner of the Week.

Gina's Sign-off
"Blowin' the dust off my eggs."

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Mr. Allred:

Mocking Gina is one of the fundamental elements of the Radio From Hell show. Please do not misinterpret the following email as a suggestion that the browbeating of Gina Barberi should be relaxed - for it is upon the bedrock of needless Barberi-abuse that the comedy towers of RFH are erected.

If abusing Gina be the food of hilarity...play on.

Having said that, there is one element of Gina-abuse that I feel is somewhat misplaced - the incredulous eye-rolling and sighing that often follows her weather reports. The awkward silence after one of Gina's tossed-off, barely-there weather reports is too harsh a reception for a feature in which she distinguishes herself from the pack.

Yes, we all have a good laugh at the disinterest, the lack of passion, the almost existential fatigue with which she half-heartedly delivers the weather. However, I respectfully submit that Gina's weather reports are more effective, more memorable, and far less patronizing than those of your garden-variety radio broadcast.

Allow me to explain. When I tune in to 880 AM here in NYC (the generic "all news all the time" station), the weather reports are so stacked with needless jargon that the general thrust is lost in the mix. Some terms appear in almost every weather report, terms that I neither understand nor intend to investigate the meaning of: barometric pressure, hot vs. cold fronts, high and low pressure zones, gulf streams, trade winds...it's a lot of crap to wade through to emerge with basic information like "it's kind of cold out today".

And therein lies the genius of the Barberi Weather Report. Gina does not condescend to the audience; her weather reports are gloriously free of any specialized terms or elaborations on the geological or astronomical forces that influence our weather systems. Gina's weather reports are simply that: a snapshot of what it's like outside, and what it'll probably be like later (maybe). Something like, "it's gonna be rainy, just like yesterday" may lack a certain gravitas, but it's more memorable and informative than the kind of crap you hear on stations that still worship the term "Doppler".

You may think I'm being sarcastic here, but I'm really not; on a morning show, it's often the little things that count. And I'm sure there are thousands of people in the Salt Lake City who know what it's gonna be like outside because Gina Bareberi tells 'em - in simple, unadorned English that cuts to the quick and makes a mockery of high-faultin' weather men and women around the country.

So next time Gina delivers a weather report, fill that awkward, underwhelmed silence with some praise - praise for the woman who tells it like it is.

Sincerely, I remain,

Sean M. Kensing

Episode #5292
Days until contract expiration: 147
Edition 1065 of Atropos' blog.
Day 37 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 5 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!

Sign-off
"So many men, so few places to hide the bodies."

Boners (brought to you by a fajita sort of a thing)
1. "Hey!  Blow Into This.":  A man attending a Halloween party dressed a a breathalyzer was arrested for driving whilst intoxicated.  James P. Miller was found driving the wrong way, without his headlights, on a one-way street.  When police stopped Mr. Miller, they found an open container and a half-case of beer on the front seat. 

2. "Is This an All-Ages Show?":  When Layton police learned that local comedian Scott Lee Russell (aka "Scotty Lee") was scheduled to perform at the Wise Guys comedy club, they asked Ogden Police to arrest him during his show.  Mr. Russell has an outstanding warrant for his arrest as a result of possessing child pornography on a laptop computer.  Unfortunately for police, Mr. Russell did not show up for his gig.  Police originally found the child pornography after investigating an inappropriate relationship that Mr. Russell was having with a 15-year-old girl.

3."When You're a Cop in Tooele, It's Party Time":  Two police officers in Tooele have been fired after in investigation turned up that the married couple engaged in sexual harassment, drunken driving, playing twister whilst in uniform and drunk, supplying alcohol to a minor, allowing another person to drive drunk, and many others.  The two officers also may have been engaged in a sexual relationship with another couple that they met through their police work.  They had been on the force for 10 years before being fired.

The wild-and-crazy cops are Boners of the Day.


Ask a Parowan Prophet
Leland Freeborn Jr. is a self-proclaimed prophet and bigot and racist.  He crashed his plane when he was 33-years-old and had a "vision" whilst he was in a coma for three weeks.  His "vision" included "revelations" on polygamy, race, and the beginning of WWIII.  When he told his story to apostle Gordon B. Hinkley, he was promptly excommunicated from the current LDS church.  Mr. Freeborn believes that you should make sure you have some potassium iodide on hand because a nuclear war will break out this December.  He has predicted a nuclear holocaust before, but this time he really believes that it could happen this December.  All he knows for sure is that the nukes will fly during a time when there is snow on the ground and the winter holiday lights are up.  Mr. Freeborn is confident that having President Obama in the Whitehouse will hasten our destruction, but he's never known a black man to keep a job for very long (that joke was from a comic - but Leland thought is was HIGH-larious.)  Mixing of the races is also a terrible, terrible thing - but it did give us some pretty women like Halle Berry.  Freeborn learned that little fact as he was sleeping in a high-school parking lot and writing by flashlight.  Don't believe Leland?  When the mushroom clouds rise up over Hill Airforce Base, your thoughts may alter!  Just don't go running down to Parawon looking for help from Leland Freeborn Jr. and his bomb shelter.  You'll just have to live without toilets and TV videos and Leland's charmingly asinine personality.

Jeff Vice
The Box was not screened.

Ong Bak 2 has some great fights, but terrible, terrible acting.  2 stars.

Gentleman Broncos continues Jared Hess' descencion into immaturity.  Jemaine of Flight of the Conchords is the only reason to see this movie.  2 stars.

Coco Before Chanel stars Audrey Tatu.  That's all Jeff needs to know.  3 stars.

The Fourth Kind could be subtitled, "Close Encounters of the Worst Kind."  It's a movie claiming to be the true story of alien abductions.  Bull[sock].  Milla can't act, it's not scary, it's just......bleh.  If you want a good movie about alien abductions, Bill recommends, The UFO Incident (1975).  The Fourth Kind gets 1 star.

A Christmas Carol.  It's been seen.  Robert Zemekis is too in love with his digital motion-capture animation to actually tell a story.  There was no reason for this move to be animated.  It's too creepy for kids and too stupid for adults.  1.5 stars.

The Men Who Stare at Goats.  The funniest parts are in the trailer, but the rest of the movie is light with subtle humor.  Goofy George Clooney and Jeff Bridges make the movie.  3 stars.

Gina's Sign-off (via Richie)
"I went to the appointment at the time."

Kerry's Status
"Kerry was on the show today."

Episode #5291
Days until contract expiration: 148
Edition 1064 of Atropos' blog.
Day 36 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 6 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!


Sign-off
"The gene pool needs some chlorine."

Chipper
Gina thinks that Bill is acting kind of "chipper" this morning.  Bill did get a lot more sleep than usual last night.  He fell into bed some time last night, but doesn't remember when.  Bill even got into his jammies at 4:00pm.  That's about 2 hours later than Kerry.  Kerry usually trips up the stairs because he's already taking off his pants on his way into the house.

Brilliant!
Yesterday, Bill was asked how the show went.  He replied, "Brilliant."  Bill went on to explain why the show was "Brilliant";  "We are the most talented radio sonsofbitches to ever be on the planet!  This is the best radio show ever done in the history of radio."  Kerry agreed, but argued that the show could always improve.  When it can't improve any further, just kill Kerry.

Boners
1. "You Want an 'A'?":  A teacher who killed a fly with his bare hand promised his high school algebra an A to any student who dared to eat the dead insect.  Stephen Zeldag took the teacher up on the offer and consumed the fly.  When the time for the test came around, the teacher actually wrote "A" on the test, but recorded an "F" in the gradebook.  The principal has opened an investigation into the incident.

2. "What's a Girl Gotta Do To Get a Little Toilet Paper in Here":  A female inmate awaiting a hearing inside a Provo courthouse cell paged a guard and indicated that she needed some toilet paper.  When the guard brought the toilet paper, the inmate attempted to shove her way out of the open cell door and escape.  Though she had managed to remove her handcuffs, the leg-irons she was still wearing hindered her progress and she was quickly recaptured.

3. "I Can't Come To Work Today.  I Will Have Been Stabbed."  A video store clerk in Denver stabbed himself in the leg and told police that he had been attacked by three men dressed in black.  The clerk was hoping to avoid work, but instead ended up in the hospital as police began a manhunt complete with search dogs.  He was charged with obstructing police and filing a false police report.

The self-stabbing clerk is Boner of the Week.

The End of Fun
Last night, Kerry and Sue were at the liquor store when he asked Sue if she wanted some "Peanut Noir."  The intentional mispronunciation of the wine's correct name, "Pinot Noir,"  was inteded to be fun.  Instead, Sue gave Kerry the stink-eye and asked, "Do you even know how to say it right anymore?"  No.  Of course not.  Kerry is actually so stupid that he forgot how to properly pronounce the name of the wine.  He also forgot how to pronounce "The Incredible Huk," "Draclias," and "Werewoofs."

Things That Must Go

Bill

• Referring to "Ghosts and ghouls" as "Ghosties and ghoulies."
• "Holloween."

• Things that pupate.
• The "cockchafer" beetle.

Gina

• When trick-or-treating, children ought not be reaching out and attempting to grab candy from the candy provider.
• Stacy London.  Her jeans suck.  Gina could hide a pistol up front, which is why Bill will now be buying Stacy London jeans.

Kerry

• Hard-boiled eggs that don't peel smoothly.
• A complete diet of hard-boiled eggs.  No, the show hasn't moved to Yellowstone, but Kerry has earned a new nickname; Kerry "The Hot-Pot" Jackson.
• People that give Kerry crap about movies.
• Paper towel rolls that put too much glue on the last sheet.
• The new Facebook style.
• Bitching about the new Facebook style.
• Monopoly.
• Riding your horse to work.

Unforgettable Quote
"I can give them to someone who is unaware of comedy."  - F.O.P Doug on winning Carlos Mencia tickets.

Gina's Sign-off
"My butt makes my pants short?"

Kerry's Status
Kerry was on the show today.

Don't know what to cook for The Annual Tasty Pie Contest? Make Bill and Kerry's favorite pie; Pickle Pie!

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Cookbook:Sunglow_Motel-Cafe_Pickle_Pie

Episode #5290
Days until contract expiration: 149
Edition 1063 of Atropos' blog.
Day 35 in which Bill loves Mrs. Bill even more than he did the day before.

...and...

Only 7 shopping days left until Gina's Birthday!


Opening Song
"Beer" - Reel Big Fish

Sign-offs

• "I'm multi-talented.  I can talk and piss you off at the same time."
• "I work hard because millions of people on welfare depend on me."

Courtesy of Bill Cosby, Morgan Murphy, George Carlin, and Sam Kinison


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCixAktGPlg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFCy1syW8Nc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62_x6-4EM0Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOnPFix5uLE

http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/
Recommended by Reo Manning
Asking questions like:
Height, weight, fighting experience, to
"How much experience do you have in fighting swarms such as bees or against the Zerg in Starcraft?" and
"Would you be willing to use one 5-year-old as a weapon against another 5-year-old?"
They will tell you how many vicous, shin-kicking 5 year olds you could take on at once.

http://learn.genetics.utah.edu/content/begin/cells/scale/
Recommended by Jason Rushton
A zoomable interface to compare the sizes of small things.  From a coffee bean to a carbon atom, and everything in between.

http://myparentswereawesome.tumblr.com/
Emily Courage
See people's parents back when they were young, hip, full of hope, and weren't the uptight weirdos you know now.

http://glamour-news.blogspot.com/2009/10/10-funniest-unfunny-movie-scenes-with.html
Recommended by Atropos
Unfunny, serious, or dark humor movie scenes with a laugh track added - unnecessarily.  Many have NSFW audio, so I've put the ones with safe audio here.

iPhone App of the Week:
MLB.com at Bat
http://mlb.mlb.com/mobile/iphone/
Watch or listen to every Major League Baseball game live, with radio broadcasts giving you the choice if the home or visitor town's broadcast.  Highlights and condensed games for those in a hurry. $9.99 on iTunes per season.
Recommended by Jared Smith

http://mylifeisaverage.Com
Recommended by Halie M.
People sharing fun and funny stories, but unlike fmylife or itmademyday, they end with the declaration "My Life Is Average", or MLIA.
-"The other day in class, we were watching a rated R movie but my male professor said that he had edited it to PG-13. While watching the movie a somewhat sexual scene was playing and my teacher got up from his desk with something behind his back. When the topless woman flashed on the screen, my teacher quickly covered her up with a homemade bra cut out of cardboard. I then wondered how long it took my teacher staring at that one scene to cut out the right size. MLIA"
-"Today, in english class, we were talking about life changing experiences. Most of us talked about a death, or one of their family members getting married. But one kid stood up and started off, "Well, I was born and raised in West Philadelphia. I spent most of my days on the playground." He then proceeded to tell the whole lyrics of the theme song to Fresh Prince of Bell Air in conversational english. No one got it but me. MLIA."
-"Today, my friend showed me the sentence "Woman without her man is nothing," that an English class had been told to punctuate. Apparently all the guys put "Woman, without her man, is nothing," while the girls put "Woman: without her, man is nothing." I will never underestimate the power of punctuation again. MLIA"
-"Today I was in a men's public bathroom. I was doing what one does while sitting in a men's room and enjoying the stereotypical graffiti on the walls when one near the bottom of the door written in small print caught my eye. I leaned forward to make out what it said, leaned a little more forward, then further still. It read, "You are now sh*tting at a 45 degree angle." I laughed because I was. MLIA"
-"Today, I found an alligator shaped stapler. Instead of studying for my biology test tomorrow, I spent the day stapling papers together, pretending I was feeding my alligator. I feel like a good pet owner. MLIA."
-"Last week, I forgot I had a test. It was all multiple choice so I answered "ACDC" down the whole page. Today, I got the test back; I got 87%. Thank you classic rock. MLIA"